Thursday, February 05, 2009

IBBB Has Moved! Come Visit the New ImBringingBloggingBack.com!


Well folks, after over 2 years on Blogspot, it's time to say peace out and find a new home. Check out the new IBBB site at:

http://www.imbringingbloggingback.com/

So update your bookmarks, update your links, slap your kids, pack your crap, sing a song, and visit the new IBBB!

Let's mark this occassion with song:

There's a new blog in the neighborhood and it lives over here and it's understood.
I'm here just to take good care of you, like you're part of the family.
IBBB's in charge of our days and our nights.
IBBB's in charge of our wrongs and our rights.
So I say, I want IBBB in charge of me!


MTV TJ Search

Who is the Saboteur: Big Brother 12 Recap
The Hills Recap: Costa Rica: Welcome to the Jungle
Jersey Shore Season 2 Preview: I'm in Miami, Bitch!

The "B Team" of The Hills Has a Reunion!



I don't want to oversell this, but....JACKPOT! Remember Brian and Jordan from the first season of The Hills? One of them played the boyfriend of Heidi and the other played the kid who was chasing after Oddrina.

(Insert sarcastic overtone) I'm sure these dudes are kicking themselves for not sticking with those two prizes. Just think, fella's, today you two could be Justin Bobby and Spencer Pratt.

Anyscript, those two dudes and LC's ex-boyfriend/ex-Laguna Beach cast member, Jason Wahler, were all bloated smiles as they attended the premiere of "2 Dudes and a Dream" in LA the other night.

While Kristin Cavallari was not ever in The Hills, she was in Lagina Creek and also attended this event....and I sweat Kristin so I decided to add her photo too.

If you like The Hills recap check out all that is Jersey Shore, the new show by MTV, that features characters like Snooki, The Situation, Jenni JWoww and more! I know I'm dumber for writing it, so you should be dumber for reading the Jersey Shore Recaps!

Clay Aiken Heading to America's Next Top Model

According to the crack-whores at Us Weekly, America's Next Top Model is about to get a whole lot sassier. Clay Aiken is scheduled to appear in the new season in an April 8th episode where he'll be working with the models in an acting challenge.

Um, I don't want to judge, but, uh, for about 20-something years Clay was trying to "act" as a straight man and, well, we see how that turned out. Not. So. Convincing. It's kinda like having Nikki Blonsky giving "healthy eating tips" to the girls. Ok all done.




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Dear Everyone, Please Stop Saying "Ponzi Scheme."

Dear Everyone,

Please stop saying "Ponzi Scheme." My ears have heard enough of it. You may, however, say "Fonzi Scheme" which is a much more enjoyable scheme to hear about. That'll be all.


Thanks,
IBBB






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Hey Stupids! Gotta Question for IBBB?

A spinoff of "Spencer's Busy...Let IBBB Take a Message," IBBB is proud to present you with another installment of "Hey Stupids! Gotta Question for IBBB?" Here's how this works. You have a question or need advice, you send me an email. I read it. I advise. Sometime, depending on my mood, I advice as well. Here are some recent questions/comments I've received. The names have been changed to protect the trashy.


Dear IBBB,

I'm graduating college in May and haven't found a job yet since the no one is hiring. Can you possibly pay me to just read your blog? I do it anyway!

Signed,
Unemployed


Dear Unemployed,
The economy isn't that bad when you really think about it. Let's face it, you have no real experience so even in a great economy I'm sure you're not getting a high-level job anyway. See how I view the glass as "half-full?" Regardless of what the economy is doing, you know who is always hiring? Always? Pimps. That's right, Unemployed, if you're willing to do $2 dollar sucky-sucky on the corner of Washington and Broadway then you'll be just fine. And, if you're smart about it you'll bring your "services" to Hollywood and perhaps you'll end up banging someone famous in which they'll either pay you a ton of money...or turn your story into a movie or television series on HBO. So remember this last bit of advice boys and girls...when the economy starts to really blow.....blow back.

Wear Protection,
IBBB


Dear IBBB,
I miss The Hills. Is that bad? I feel like it is.

Signed,
Hills Fanatic

Dear Hills Fanatic,
I could, of course, completely tee off on you. However, I won't. I won't because I, too, miss The Hills. I miss the old Hills....you know, season 2? I miss the days when Heidi looked like Heidi. I miss the days when Audrina just sat behind the receptionist desk and only had 2 lines per episode. I miss the days when Lisa Loveless would rule the office with an iron fist. I miss the days when Lauren and Heidi didn't look like they were about to hit the red carpet in every scene. While I'm at it, I miss Laguna Beach. I do. None of that Newport Habor crap...I'm talking actual Laguna Beach. It will be back soon. Keep the faith.

In Desperate Need of a Life,
IBBB

Dear IBBB,
What's in your iPod?

Signed,
Nosy iPoder


Dear Nosy iPoder,
What's in your bank account? None of your business.

Getting a Restraining Order,
IBBB

Gotta question for IBBB? Email it. Or don't. Either way, I'm not losing sleep over this.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

...In Other News...

Are the Friends really friends? In other news....

~ Penelope Cruz Has a New Love ~ ABH
~ Heidi and Spencer Continue Their Facial Expressions ~ Websters
~ Is Michael Phelps Going to a Paris Hilton Jail? ~ CS
~ A Hilton vs. Cruise Boob-Off ~ Ayyyy
~ Avril Lavigne Turns Into an Old Woman ~ POTP
~ Scar Jo's New Look ~ PB
~ Joe Francis Jail Time ~ FB
~ Pam Anderson Looks Stunned ~ DSF
~ Jamie Pressly in Insane Shape ~ Yeeeah
~ What You Should Be Watching Tonight ~ GMMR
~ Oregon Trail Predicts How "The Hills" Cast Will Die ~ GuessWho

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"Oregon Trail" Predicts How "The Hills" Cast Will Die

Walk with me, my friends, as IBBB mixes two of his favorite things in life: The Hills and Oregon Trail. If you're like me, you've always wondered what horrible diseases the cast from The Hills would die from and, well, I'm here to provide you those answers. So, get your oxen ready, buy some boxes of bullets, store the extra wagon wheels, and buy a few extra sets of clothes because it's gonna be a bumpy ride up to The Oregon Trail. Yeeee Haw!


~ As the wagon leader, IBBB invited some of his favorite Hills cast members along for an all expense paid trip. Saddle up Audrina! Pack your chin, Heidi! Bring your beard bleach, Spencer. And do whatever it is you do, Lauren because we are just about ready to shove off!

~ IBBB, of course, chose to be the "banker from Boston." I didn't buy too many sets of clothes because I was hoping that Audrina will eventually become "exhausted" whilst on the trail and perhaps show her rack and/or "gentlemen greeter." We may need those things easily accessible in case some robbers try to steal our crap when we're broken down on the side of the dirt road.



~ This is going to be a great journey! It'll be the same as when LC left Laguna Beach and traveled on her "big dangerous adventure" to Los Angeles. The rest is still unwritten.....



~ Honestly, we're not even 2 full days into the trip and Heidi already has typhoid. She is such a drag (queen). We brought her to a nearby doctor and their opinion is that her chest and/or chin is about to explode due to "being a whore." Hey, it's the year 1848. What doctors have ever heard of "breast implants" or "chin removers?" We've asked Heidi to sing some of her magical songs to help lift her own spirits. This may cause sickness for others in the wagon, but we're not ready to lose Heidi yet.






~ What luck! We're already out of food, but come across some "wild fruit." We had no clue that Brody and Frankie would gracing us with their presence! What a treat.





~ Here we go again! Audrina is an f'n mess. She's been diagnosed with "exhaustion" but we tried to inform the doctors that she always looks like this. She tends to look up at the ceiling which makes her look sleepy. With all the "performing" that Heidi's been doing in the wagon we're not sure how much more Audrina can take.




~ Audrina could only take about a week of Heidi's performance of "Higher" before she went into the light. Audrina passed away on June 19th. We did allow, however, one of the oxen to make sweet, sweet love to Audrina after she was pronounced dead. It's the "circle of life" people. Get over it. We have removed Audrina's beaver teeth (I said teeth...we left her actual beaver in tact) and are using them to help dig us out of the mud when we get stuck trying to cross the deeper rivers. It comes in handy for that....and to help remove many of Spencer's Santa Pubes from his beard. Audrina was a real giver until the very end. R.I.P Teef.




~ Ugh. Everyone is sick and hungry. These guys are the f'n worst. I head out of the wagon for a little hunting session and bag me a buffalo. I've now provided us 100 pounds of meat. It's strange because I'm convinced these chicks have eating disorders, yet we never have any food. As a sidenote, I dragged Audrina's toothless body into the forest to try and lure out the buffalo. It worked. I then allowed the buffalo to make sweet, sweet love to Audrina. Looks like she bagged herself a buffalo husband. I left her in the woods.






~ It's insanely hot out and LC got herself a case of Cholera. None of us know what that is but we assume it's like herpes. We all sit about a campfire and tell stories of the days when LC used to date J Wahl. We should've invited him. Next time, maybe.




~ LC fought off her herpes-like virus for almost 10 days, but decided to visit Jesus instead of Oregon. As we tossed her in a shallow grave, we added "She'll Always Be Known As the Girl Who Didn't Go to Oregon" on her tombstone. It just seemed fitting.






~ Not one to let LC control things, Spencer died shortly thereafter but was never sick up until this point, which was strange. We suspect he wanted to follow LC into hell (which is where she ended up). We skinned off Spencer's "Santa Pubes" beard and made a very 1848 stylish hat for Heidi.







~ Just when things seemed like they hit rock bottom, we lucked out a bit. You see, "Indian's" helped us find some food, which was great! It was also very ironic because The Hills seldom allows other nationalities to make it onto their show. This is probably only why it "says" that Indian's helped us, yet we didn't actually "see" them. Regardless, the food they found us gave Heidi the shits.





~ I decided to head out hunting again, but it was just basically to get away from Heidi. Dear God that bitch is annoying. There weren't any animals roaming around the forest so I took out Audrina's teeth and had a 20 minute conversation about the awkwardness that we all felt when she was still alive and trying to become friends with Heidi again, even though LC was sitting right there in the wagon next to her. This conversation made me feel good. I swear I thought I saw those damn teeth smile back.







~ Heidi isn't doing too good, you guys. She is f'n exhausted! Heidi's realized how hard it is to lip-sync to her music video, chase seagulls around, AND hold the video camera and boom box all whilst flailing her arms. It took a lot out of her and she realized just how much Spencer helped her that day on the beach as he filmed her video for "Higher."





~ I tried to convince Heidi that the drink I was giving her was tequila. She drank it down and started calling me "Jose." We both smiled at each other, but what Heidi didn't know was that I didn't give her the tequila that she normally liked to drink on various episodes of The Hills, but it was just "bad water" instead. Similar to the episodes, Heidi did start saying every stereotypical Spanish thing she could think of. She assumed she was drunk. She wasn't. I guess she was just racist. Heidi died on August 21, 1848. I sprinkled her new boobs, new chin, new weave, new lips, new nose, and new fake tan all across the glorious Mississippi River. It was touching. I was, however, a little relieved to be away from the cast. God works in mysterious ways.




~ Well, it's just me in this funky smelling wagon. A thief came in the middle of the night and stole 9 of my oxen. It was dark and I could only make out a little bit of what the thief looked like, but it had shoulder length stringy black hair, white pasty skin, tired looking eyes, and some jacked up teeth. I'm almost certain it was Kelly Cutone who robbed my wagon. She may have robbed my wagon, but she rocked my world.




~ Ugh. Is everyone else this hot or is it just me? Am I hearing things? Now why am I freezing? Damn it. I bet I have a fever. I ask my one remaining oxen to see if I have a fever and he just kicks me in my junk.





~ Well, it got worse you guys. It looks like I didn't die from the fever, but from "Inadequate Grass." I didn't know you could die from lack of pot, but apparently you can. Oh well.




~ In my final resting place I got to decorate my own tombstone. Jesus Claus and the makers of Oregon Trail are good like that. I had a wonderful trip with all my Hills friends. There was no doubt in my mind that I would, of course, outlive them all. All of us are in a meeting right now with Jesus (who strangely enough is 100% Irish) and we're asking him if he knows why he programmed Whitney's brain to add the letter "K" to words that really end with a letter "G." He said he was thinkinK about it and would get back to us. Drat.


Well that wraps that up. Hope you enjoyed it because if you did you may like the Jersey Shore recap or all things Jersey Shore. Maybe not. Feel free to check out The Hills recap or The City recap while you're there.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Talk to the Hand

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday y'all (that's southern for "you all)! Due to my new website being hijacked and me trying to bitch slap the flu like Ike did to Tina, Harriet Carter Wednesday has suffered. Well, dry your red eye because HCW is back like a flair up of the herpes virus. This week some little Bindi Irwin lookin' mother f'er tries to sass an oncoming truck, Harriet turns a coffee filter into a cleavage blocker, and pranks your ass...literally. Let's go!
Product # 1 - Give it the gas. Seriously. If I ever saw some little bitch, in the middle of the night, who was missing one shoe, on a little boys bike, giving me a "talk to the hand" whilst I was trying to leave my own driveway I would just gun it and run the skank down. I'd then tie her to the roof like a deer and mount her on my living room wall with a sign underneath her that said, "Should've Been Studying." But that's just me. You may react differently to a little girl on a bike. Anyhuffy, what's this girl doing riding her bike in the middle of the night anyway? And where are her parents? Probably in a meth lab, I'd assume. And where is her other shoe? I have many questions. Not for nothing, but stay the hell out of my driveway. No really, get off my private property before I call the police. Perhaps she didn't see my "Beware of Dog" sign I have plastered all over the place. She's so rude. We're in a fight. Oh, and where's her helmet? I mean if I'm going to hit her with my truck I don't want to give her "the brain damage" I just want to scare her, you know, and teach her a lesson about private property.
Product # 2 - "Honey, did you wash my Modesty Panel? Yeah, Modesty Panel. Did you wash it, because I can't seem to find it. My Modesty Panel? No? You didn't? Never mind, I found it. It was in the drawer next to my faux-dickie." Seriously, a "Modesty Panel?" Is there a name any less sexy than "Modesty Panel?" It looks like some little 2nd grader cut a coffee filter into a heart shape and then used chalk to draw flowers on it for an "arts and crafts" Valentine's Day project. Who's wearing something like this? I want names! Whatever happened to the days when women would allow their rack to peek out the top of their low cut sweaters? Those were the good old days. Simpler times. Happier times before the recession. Let me give you a little advice. If you're trying to camouflage your rack, you should just stay home and knit. Knit and knit and knit....you know...for your cats? Knit them little cat sweaters and little cat hats and then take pictures of them and add them to your myspace page with funny little captions like, "Meowy Meowerson's First Day of School" and "A Life Without Cats...I Don't Think So!" Look, the economy is in the crapper and your rack is all we have left, so throw out this Modesty Panel and release the beast within.



Product # 3 - Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That's me faux-laughing at your toilet paper prank. The "Don't P Me Off Toilet Paper Holder" prank isn't a laughing matter. In fact, if I was ever at your house using your bathroom and couldn't get to the toilet paper, you know what I would do? I'd use your nice "for company only" white towels that are folder ever-so-nicely on your shelf. I'd also press my ass up against your wall and just jump and down until I could write my name on your wall in crap smears. I'd also jump backwards into your wall so that I was leaving "crap kisses" all over the place. So, you still think it's funny to try to "prank me" with your toilet paper puzzle? Yeah I didn't think so either.




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Tuesday, February 03, 2009

IBBB Named in Top 100 Blogs by GiveMeMyRemote!



Time for a little self congratulations (which is the safest sex possible, I believe). GiveMeMyRemote.com (an actual legit website, unlike mine) has named my little site as one of the Top 100 Blogs! Now, GMMR said the list was created in no particular order, but if we were forced to count, I'm #20. Yeah, that's right. I counted.

GMMR is a great site that actually gets to interview people from The Office and a variety of other shows. You should definitely check it out because, well, they were nice enough to include me. Plus, the chick that owns the site is from Boston and, well, you know how that goes.

Thanks GMMR for the kudos. I would like to return the favor and award you with The Best Website on the Internet (see below).

#1 Best Website on the Internet: GiveMeMyRemote.

See? You're welcome.



The City Recap: Kelly Cutrone and Her Birthday Saves the Show!

All hail! Blessed Mother Kelly CUNTrone is back to save and bless The City! Now I know I've tee'd off on Kelly ever since The Hills, but the truth is I love her. Oh, and she is clearly the most talented person on The City....or just in life in general. Plus, I bet she'd wanna bump sewing machines with Olivia and by that I mean have sex. Was that not clear? Here's what went down last night on The City (cow-bell, cow-bell, cow-bell, cow-bell):
  • The crapisode starts with all the girls having a little lunch. There's one girl sitting there in which I have no clue who it is, although she looks familiar. I soon realize it's actually Erin, whose pinned back her bangs and painted on some whore-red lipstick. I never realized Erin was suffering from the horrible disease, AULS (Audrina Upper Lip Syndrome).

  • Poor (not financially) Erin is looking for a job and Allie's agency is looking to hire people with no experience, but apparently who can smile and talk to people. I'm sorry sweetie, but we're in a recession and most companies have let go of about 5,000 employees in the past month.....good to hear your company is hiring people without experience. Trash bag.

  • Erin quickly scores an interview at Allie's model agency, "One Management," with President Scott Lipps. Is it ironic that Scott Lipps is actually missing his lips? Erin is also sorta missing her upper lip. This is a match made in scripted City heaven!

  • Erin's interview skills are top notch! She let's Scott Lippsless know that she's be "unofficially styling" for a long time. Yeah, that's code word for "I dress myself and make fun of the way other people dress when I'm standing at the bar, drunk, judging everyone else in order to make myself feel better."

  • Well apparently that's all it takes because Erin scored the job, instantly. Erin's job is a Production Coordinator, which is the next step up from an assistant. Look, neither of those jobs is a bad thing and everyone needs to start somewhere, but they are certainly not paying the kinds of salaries that are allowing Erin to live in her Gramercy apartment. Geesh! Save the jobs for the people who really need them, whoreface!

  • Moving on to more important things, it's Kelly CUNTrone's birthday party! I love it! What, is she like 75 or something? I love me some Kelly. Whitney is fillinK all the girls in on how honest Kelly is about everything. Allie, the walking corpse of the group, is acting all cocky like she's not afraid of Kelly. Oh we'll see Allie. We'll see. Oh, and it is just me or does anyone else feel like you'd only be able to talk to Allie via a Ouija board?

  • So is Kelly wasted? She kinda looks it? When she walks up to Whitney's table and hugs her it looks like she's hanging on to Whitney for dear life. Awesome! I'm also loving how Kelly is dressed like Uncle Jesse, from Full House, when he was doing a "Jesse and the Rippers" concert. Brilliant.

  • Gutsy Allie tries to get Kelly to tell her what she thinks of her outfit and Kelly jumps back with a "I get paid money to talk about things like that." I felt like giving a z-snap when I heard her say it.

  • Moments later Kelly is asking Allie if she's ok because she seems so skinny. Sweet! Kelly is like the conscience of all of us watching this crap. She's actually interacting and acting the exact way I would if I were ever given a chance to be on The City. Anyway, Allie claims that she's fine and Kelly doesn't believe her 75 pound bony ass. Kelker Seltzer tells Allie that it's a question she should be asking herself. I think Allie should be asking herself if she comes from an alien background. Check the family tree. In the end, Kelly leaves the table by saying, and I quote, "I'm going to go DJ...I think." I love a drunken Kelly CUNTrone and a sober Kelly Cutrone. I like both of them. There, I said it.

  • Erin bumps into her ex-boyfriend. The two of them put me to sleep. I'd rather listen to stories about my parents dating back in the 1960's than watch Erin and her ex interact.

  • Hurricane Cutrone moves to a different part of the bar in which it hits landfall as a category 3 on Allie's ass once again. Allie informs Kelly that she works for Scott Lippsless and Kelly responds, once again, that Allie is so skinny and if she needs any help to let her know. Like a 5 year who's been caught stealing Big League Chew from the corner store, Allie books it outta there in the middle of Kelly's intervention with her. Whitney, of course, chases Allie out of the building and up the street in which they embrace. Awww, how....awkward. Don't hug an alien, you'll get slime all over you.

  • The next morning Erin's ex puts his shirt on and leaves her apartment. He tells her he'll "shoot her a text or something." I hope he shoots me and the bullets come right through the TV and hit me on my couch and put me out of my misery.

  • Later, we learn that Erin's first day of work consists of her talking to her work-mate about her dating life because, you know, that's professional on your first day.

  • At night, One Management is having a dinner party and I get very confused. So here's the deal. We literally see Erin sitting at the table with the rest of the people from work....AND Allie. Next thing you know, you hear Allie say to Scott Lippsless, "Did Erin start yet?" Um, isn't she sitting at the table with you? Did anyone else notice that? I'm confused. Is this an editing mistake or is Allie that dumb? Studies do show that malnourished children can have many developmental delays.

  • Sweet! Hurricane Cutrone has been spotted up the coast of Allie's ass and is also at the One Mgt party! She hi-five's some people, in typically Cutrone fashion, and sits her ass right down across from Allie. Allie, the lifeless skank that she is, asks Kelly if she remembers her. Kelly, of course, does and apologizes for making her feel bad, but really wanted to know if she was ok.

  • Meanwhile, Adam wants to confront Kelly. Dude, shut the F up and sit the F down. You're getting a little too close to Spencer Pratt status. Get an f'n grip on yourself and your d-bag walking corpse of a girlfriend.

  • Wow, well we're 25 minutes into the episode and FINALLY we get to see Olivia. Whitney tells Olivia what happened between Allie and Kelly and Olivia tells Whitney to let it go...over and over again. They probably just hit "replay" on the editing machine. You know that the whole time Olivia is thinking, "Are you 12? Get a life." I love Olivia. Love her. Me gusta Olvia. I'd want her to sit on my lap and just do "eye rolls" to me for 35 minutes.

  • Adam and Allie are grocery shopping and are both trying to justify that Allie is at a normal weight and there are people out there that are way skinnier than her. Yeah, they're called "Ethiopians." Allie also seems to think because she's getting work than it's ok. She's a joke.

  • In the end, Whitney goes to Kelly's office to talk about what happened. Kelly tells Whitney she won't apologize for what she said to Allie. I love it! She also says, "the truth doesn't always come as a shiny bluebird on someones shoulder. The truth hurts." Someone make that into a t-shirt...STAT! Can I meet Kelly? Can someone make this happen?

  • Overall, you have to give Kelly props for what she's saying because she is speaking the truth. We have to remember that the target audience for The City is young girls...and me....and they're going to be watching this and looking at Allie and aspire to look like her bag of bones. I think it's great that Kelly is saying that it's an issue that the industry is forcing these girls to look like this and that even the consumers don't want to see people that skinny and do not want to be that skinny. Sure, Tyra Banks has been chirping about that for years, but at least Kelly doesn't make it about herself whilst she's chirping.

  • I say more power to Kelly. It was refreshing to have some real life-life people in this episode.

What did you trash-bags think of this episode? Are we going to get into an actual adult conversation in the comments section about ideal weight and eating disorders or should we just make fun of everyone? Your call!

Check out more on Kelly Cutrone, from info on her new Bravo show Kell on Earth, or from The City Recaps over at the new ImBringingBloggingBack.com