Saturday, September 02, 2006

An Open Letter to Singer JoJo

An open letter to singer/songwriter, JoJo ~

Dearest JoJo,

Please put down the pogo-stick, jump-rope, and jacks and listen to this open letter dedicated to you. J. Jo, you are, what like 16? There's a chance you could be 17, but regardless you just started puberty, which brings me to my next point. You're too young to be singing lyrics like, "Come with me, stay the night...." No no honey, I need you to not say things like that. You see, that is how you get pregnant. I mean, look what happened to Debbie Gibson. I'm sure you're saying, "Debbie who?" right now, which is exactly my point. Debbie Gibson was singing about shaking her love in the mid eighties and where did she end up? Playboy. That's right, she was forced to show the world her "hoo-ha's" for a small paycheck and some McDonald's coupons.

Moving on. Being from Boston too I do support you. I mean, hell, all that we really have is New Kids on the Block and a homeless Tracy Chapman. With the Red Sox in the shitter this season, you're all we've got.

It's not "a little too late" to change your image. So here's what I'm thinking. I need you to sing songs like DJ Tanner sang to Michelle during Danny and Rebecca's 24 hour telethon for "Wake Up San Francisco." Since there's a good chance that you were in daycare when that episode of Full House aired, let me catch you up. DJ was singing about lollipops and gummy bears as she pushed Michelle in a shopping carriage licking a giant sized lollipop. Now let me ask you, did Jodi Sweetin sing about that? Nope. And where is she now? She was hooked on Crystal Meth. See how much I am helping you?

It's easy to get caught up in the hype. You'll end up drinking "car bombs" with the original cast of Laguna Beach at The Ivy in LA and then you'll end up dry humping the paparazzi. And they'll like it, oh yes, they'll like it. And guess where we end up again J. Jo? Yup, pregnant. Do you really want to be "with child" at a time like this?

In closing, you just need to cruise through the next few years, turn 18, and really white-trash it up like Britney and/or Lindsay Lohan. After doing that for a few years you can really clean up your image and make a comeback like Mariah Carey or Christina Aguilashwnajrkewnfsa. See the light at the end of the tunnel?

Best of luck my little J. Jo. Please don't F this up. Boston is counting on you!

Warm Regards,
Pasquale from ImBringingBloggingBack


Anonymous said...

LOL LOL LOL LOL OH MY GOD! I just spit out my drink as I was reading this. This is your best work yet!

jessica-acissej said...

That is brilliant advice from such a cute guy ;)

Anonymous said...

thanks for putting a smile on my face, like always. J.Jo kicks J. Lo's ass, just not literally.

myspacewhore said...

Hysterical! I'm glad you added this to your myspace bulletin. Breaking news, no, but entertaining, hell yeah!

Anonymous said...

u r seriously crazy but in a good way

Pop Culture said...

WOW thanks guys. I am amazed I have yet to receive any hatemail yet, but I did just post this. Thanks for the love and the future hate.

random_wins_it said...

you win the award for getting the absolute most random reference ever into one blog article.

floridas-finest said...

I agree. I thought that when she was singing "get out right now" 2 years ago when she was 14 yrs old. maybe she meant get out of my sandbox?

Anonymous said...

wtf is j jo?

Renee said...

Hey Pasquale,
LOL! Good letter! Let's hope she listens to you. Love it! I'll work on the banner for you this week :)
Talk to you soon.

Anonymous said...

i will ask again... who is jo jo?

Pop Culture said...

JoJo is a singer. Go Google crazy and check her out.

you know who said...

awesome! she sucks! i'd bet money that she already has the herps. you're too little too late.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget New Edition, Boston is also known for them.

Anonymous said...

Your so mean I like Jojo shes cool...but I do think she shouldnt be talking about sex and stuff!!

Anonymous said...

Dear JOJO:
This is one of your biggest fan I just wnat to tell you keep up the great work. but do us all a favor and stop singing songs that contain lyrics like "I'm down anything, boy, you and me
It's the way you know it's supposed to be
Cause I would do anything for you baby
I'm down anything, boy, you and me
Should be doin what we both know comes naturally" and "Come wit me
stay tonight" also "And baby you can have your way
Just as long as I can have you" I don't what this to sound like a threat or something but you should not be singing this kind of lyrics, not eveing writting. I'm just saying that beacuse you know that if you contine with this than you will winded up pregent. you know I'm telling you the bare truth with your hot looks get pregant is super easy and you don't what to be a mother at 16. you will lose all your fans and to make your life even worse you will never be looked at the same. I am not only telling you this because of your fans but if you don't what to listen to your caring fans than do it for your self. I what you to know that you fans that very love and worries about you so don't f this up. you don't what to end up like lisay lohan. but remember this saying "many things will catch your eyes, but only a few will catch your heart" I'm saying this so you can turn over a new leaf before it's too late for now it's never "too little too late" for you. I care about you but you don't know me but i know you. (jojo don't think about as a Slatker). for those out there reading this I am not her boyfriend ok!!. but on a real note jojo just take care because you can only protect yourself so to end this before doing something
with your boyfriend/ write and sing a song think about this letter then make you choose I hope you make the right and safe choose.

Anonymous said...

Dearest JOJO:

I won't tell you my name or anything but come on do u have to be singing songs that can cost u alot in your future. but can u do something for your fans and try to stop ing sing song that will get you pregant because since you have a hot boby u should always be careful with those guys that want to make out with them beccausse the will dump you if the find out your pregant. than like most celebs. that be came moms at a younger age suffer with the life as a celebs and as moms. soo pleace be careful in everything you do since many fans will try to get with you and make false promises that they will never complete. to end this quickly just becareful because you don't want another problem with the press. like the time when were thought to have drunk in that club. you could have lost all your loving fans so becareful at all times so drop your guard not even for one second, beacuse that one second can change your life forever and maay be immpossible to change it back before that event. sooo pleace take care not just for your sake but also for your many fans