Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Harriet Carter: Get Used to Her!

So after having numerous conversations with many of the IBBB readers over the past few weeks, I see one common theme. You want me to expand. So, I give you exactly what you want. I present to you my new weekly segment: "Harriet Carter - Get Used to Her Because She Ain't Goin' Nowhere Anytime Soon." Catchy title, huh?

Let me quickly give you the background info on my experiences with Harriet Carter. First off, I don't want to try to oversell this, but THIS IS THE BEST CATALOG THAT IS ON THE MARKET TO DATE! They have been peddling this cheap crap for like 58 years, no joke. Growing up in Boston, my sister and I used to wait for the Harriet Carter catalog to arrive in the mail so that we could laugh ourselves to death over the products that are in the catalog. They truly are priceless. We've been looking through this catalog for the past 20 years so I figured why not share it with all of you. I'll be choosing certain kick-ass products to hilight each week. God Bless Harriet Carter and God Bless America!

First off, we have the good old "finger nose and ear trimmer." I mean nothing says class quite like looking like you're actually picking your nose and then putting it in your ear. I mean with this nose trimmer you and the family will literally be laughing for 10's of seconds. I hope this guy pushes his finger right through to the other side.
Next up we have some nice "tractor suspenders" which just scream NYC chic. I'm getting these and am wearing them to the bar. I'll let you know what the girls think.
Finally, we have your typical "beer helmet." Perfect for the true alcoholic with the ability to carry multiple beers at the same time and a sturdy enough helmet to protect even the biggest drunk from going right through the front windshield. Don't forget to take this off once you get to your AA meeting, but only because they're usually in the basement of a church and wearing a hat in church is disrespectful.

Now let's move onto the apparel and home accessories aisle. I just want to remind everyone that these items ARE NOT JOKES. They are legit products.
Perhaps my personal favorite of the entire catalog is the pillow that says, "A Life Without Horses...I Don't Think So!" What the F is that supposed to mean? Who's threatening to take away horses? And, why the hell would you ever put that saying on a pillow? I don't care what part of the country you're from. If you have that pillow you should get the electric chair. And, is that guy with the bat on his head supposed to be scary? He looks like he's taking a crap. If someone showed up to my house wearing that on Halloween I would suffocate them with my "horse pillow."
Well folks, that concludes my very first segment of "Harriet Carter: Get Used to Her Because She Ain't Goin' Nowhere Anytime Soon!" If you didn't that's ok, but it will be here each week so please only praise this new segment.


Zanna said...

Harriet Carter is my FAVORITE thing to read in the bathroom. Really!

Pop Culture said...

Oh yeah! It's going to take some real sick bastards like you to think my Harriet Carter tribute will be funny! Glad that are sick bastards like me out there!

Anonymous said...

Oh, hell yeah! Harriet Carter?? Without a doubt, call me a sick bastard because that is funny shit!

Debil Dog said...

I'm gonna get my husband one of those shirts and he better like it!

Lori said...

ROFL! All of the people over 50 in my family receive Harriet Carter catalogs. Imagine my excitement when my mom bought me a shirt from HC that said, "Prozac: 'Cause Sometimes I Feel Like a Nut, Sometimes I Don't'. Way to ruin my favorite candy bar commercial, Harriet!

mla said...

LOL!!! I'm still laughing over the thought of smothering the bat hat dude with the horses pillow!

The Harriet Carter catalog rules! A bunch of cheap useless crap mixed in with some actually useful items! Way, way, way more entertaining than the Swiss International catalog.

HC - serving crazy old ladies and the crazy old lady inside everyone for 50+ years.