Thursday, November 30, 2006


Christina Aguilera Hates Christmas

So there isn't really a lot to report from the "horrible" Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting Ceremony (I may have just titled that myself), however the one big take-away I have from watching this last night was that Christina Aguilera hates Christmas. Why would I think that? Well has Taylor Hicks (Jay Leno), Sarah McLachlan, Lionel Richie, John Legend, etc sang random Christmas songs, Christina Aguoerjadsadaa decided to take this opportunity to sing her latest song, "Hurt" in front of the live crowd. Um, yeah. Festive.

To top things off, Sasha Cohen ice-skated around while Christina sang. It was like a bad dream. At the end of the song when the crowd cheered (ish) Christina did a "half-clap" and whispered "Sasha!" Yeah, don't let that ice-skating bitch steal your spotlight! Oh also, Christina "yelled" her song. At one point I was looking at the TV and thinking, why the hell are you yelling at me. What the hell did I ever do to you!?! I got very reminiscent of Beyonce's "Ring the Alarm." Long story short, "Hurt" is not a Christmas song. Christina hates Christmas. Christmas is ruined.

1 Wiggle Down, 3 to Go!

Tip your 40 ladies and gentleman because the "yellow wiggle" will no longer be part of "The Wiggles" anymore. Ok so I guess I'm a little heartless because "yellow wiggle" had to quit the group due to a heart condition. Oh relax, it's nothing serious. I guess when he stands up his heart doesn't pump enough blood through his body. I bet the other Wiggles are wondering if it's contagious. See? Even God is sick of the Wiggles. You may think I'm mean, but you know that parents from all around the world are high-fiving right now. 1 Wiggle down, 3 to Go.

I'm Calling the Pussy Police

I don't even want to blog about it any more, but how can I not? I'm totally calling the pussy police on Britney Spears and if they don't want to do anything about it I'm going to perform a citizens arrest (amongst other things). Britney had been showing off her tater-tot almost each and every day. I feel like its similar to seeing the groundhog seeing its shadow. If Britney's stanky putanky sees it's shadow then we will definitely have 6 more weeks of winter. The sad part is that we're not even in winter yet. It's not looking good for us. It will get a little scarier if the "groundhog" starts to grow a beard....if ya know what I mean....and I think you do. Oh yeah, you do.

Lady Sovereign Scares Me!

So what the F is up with Lady Sovereign? The first time I heard "her" song and saw "her" video I actually thought it was a a skit. I kinda figured it was like a Weird Al type of song, but then I realized it was actually real and not a joke. What is even more shocking is that she is signed under Jay Z's label. I know! Go figure.

Her song "Love Me of Hate Me" literally makes no sense to me. Is she swearing? Is she just British? Is she rapping? Wait, is that really Sporty Spice? Now I know where I saw her before! I think by now you all know how I feel about a British accent. Yeah, it kinda makes me nauseous. I know, I'm ignorant. Oh well. But not only does she have a British accent, she raps with a British accent. Oh, and she has my eyebrows too. Being British I just assumed she would have bad teeth and, luckily, the stereotype was true. As soon as she makes some money off this song she should get her "teef" fixed.

Again, Lady Sovereign will totally just be a flash in the pan. We didn't like it the first time we saw her....when she was Sporty Spice. Now head on back to England..pip pip!

Reese, Can You Hear Me Now? Good

Reese Witherspoon is getting tired of hearing about the rumor of a relationship with her an her co-star, Jake Gyllenhaal, so she decided to ban the use of all cell phones on the set of her new movie, "Rendition."

One random source said, "Reese doesn’t want any rumors about her and Jake." Uh, I don't think that makes Reese a good decision maker, as much as it makes her a bit of a douche bag. I said it before and I'll say it again....she kinda seems like a douche. The only people that should be able to ban the use of cell phones in the work place are people who work for Naomi Campbell.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Harriet Carter and Harriet Carter

Wow the week goes by so fast! Time for a little Harriet Carter action! There are many things I learn from Harriet Carter. I learn about her love of horses, her cheap and tacky decorations, her need to always remind you about death, and much much more. This time, we tackle many variations of her favorite things. Similar to Oprah, this segment is now called, "Harriet Carter's Favorite Things!" (insert Oprah voice) You get some crap, and you get some crap, and you get some crap. Everybody gets some craaaaaaap!

Product # 1 - Do you ever wish you could let horrible sayings from the past decade live forever? Well now you just may be able to with the Harriet Carter "It's All Good" wall decoration. Let all your friends know that "It's All Good" no matter what room they're in. Other wall decorations that I truly hope that Harriet comes out with include: "I Know You Are, But What Am I?" or even "Ain't No Thing But a Chicken Wing," or "Can't Touch This." One day hopefully I will be able to buy one that says, "Don't Worry Be Happy" or "DYNOMITE!"

Product # 2 - In keeping with the "how to white-trash up your house" theme that Harriet Carter provides you can now own this genuine Tony the Tiger wall clock. Push that grandfather clock right down the basement steps and tack up this clock. I mean, nothing truly says "class" quite like a clock that actually has a picture of a cereal cartoon character in it. Actually I think this is a good reminder for the kids. The next time the kids say, "Hey dad what time is it?" you can reply back, "Well son it's time to get your lazy no-good ass back to school because if you don't you'll wind up only being able to afford a clock like this." Thanks Harriet, you're Grrrrreaat!

Product # 3 - Are you tired of being able to "see?" Is staring into the sun getting a little too "boring" for you? Well worry no more because now you can stare directly into this sun box. Yes, sun box. Supposedly you can "chase away your winter blues" by looking directly into this light each and every day. I guess when you burn out your cornea's you aren't so sad anymore that it's snowing and cold. Nice work Harriet! Hopefully you'll find a way to allow loud whistles to blow directly in your ears. Let's just wipe away as many of our senses as we can!

Product # 4 - Hey ugly, are you looking for a way to get uglier? Well today is your lucky day because now you can turn your ugly glasses into an ugly visor, likely to keep you single until the end of time. Are you ever walking down the street with your sunglasses on and think "hey, do I look stupid enough yet?" That happens to me all the time. Next time you think that, just slap on that visor that your sunglasses lock right into. This contraption is also a "must have" when you're playing shuffleboard at the retirement home....or even on the run from the law.

Thanks Harriet Carter for more absolute crap! Here's to anther 58 years!

Jessica Biel is Dead to Me

While I once thought Jessica Biel was hot I now have to officially say that Jessica is dead to me...for the time being. And why, you ask? It looks like Jessica Biel and Derek Jeter have turned into a couple as they were seen in Vegas together at various VIP spots being all "cozy" and whatnot. She is such a traitor! Clearly by now all of you IBBB readers know of my love of the Red Sox and my hatred of the Yankees. Yeah, well she is dead to me now. What, does she think she's too good for Manny Ramirez? Traitor!

Paris & Britney to Ruin Billboard Awards

Oh crap! Get ready for the least funny, yet most "train-wreck-like" Billboard Music Awards ever. Britney and Paris (ernie and bert) will be co-hosting the Billboard Awards next week (Monday @ 8pm EST) in Vegas. An "insider" said, "they'll be fun on stage." What? Fun on stage? If by "fun" you mean "awkwardly reading cue cards and looking into the wrong camera" then 'yes' this will be fun.

So far there are LUCKILY no plans for Paris or Britney to perform. Those who will be performing include Janet Jackson, Gwen, Mary J, Carrie Underpants, etc. Set your Tivo's as this is likely to be a complete joke.

Tracy Morgan Pulls a Paris Hilton

Tracy Morgan of "30 Rock" was arrested yesterday for drunk driving. According to a report, when Tracy was pulled over for driving all crazy-like, he told police that he had some beer at a club. Sadly, Tracy was is currently on probation in LA for a DWI.

Now, it will be interesting to see what happens with this one, as I believe Paris Hilton ran into the same situation not too long ago. She claimed she had 1 Margarita and was just tired. Yeah, nice try. For some reason I think that Tracy may not get off that easily. Perhaps if he goes with the whole "I was tired" route, that just may do the trick.

Also, please note continued brilliant photoshopping skills.

Amanda Peet Mocks Julia Roberts

Amanda Peet was at the "Studio 60" press conference yesterday and I immediately figured she was making fun of Julia Roberts, but looks like I was wrong. She was just a horse...on the winter....while with child.

Britney: Crooked Boobs, Blood, & Sweat

Wow Britney is busy really letting herself go to waste. I think there have been more Britney Spears posts this week than ever before. Just when I figured I would give it a rest I come across (not literally) these photos. Looking good Britney! There are so many "favorite parts" to this photo, but my top favorites are, by far, the completely wonky boob that looks like it is literally trying to run from her body. In a close second is the bloody lip (and don't say it's lipstick because it's the perfect shape of her two front teeth). Finally I do love the necklace with her name on it. 1987 ruled and I'm glad she thinks so too.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Nicole Richie Disses Bitches on Myspace

Nicole Richie is using the power of Myspace to write a little gossip of her own. Here is what Nicole wrote on her infamous Myspace blog very early in the morning today:

BLIND ITEM:What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist? HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup...

I may not be a rocket scientist (although, I am), but something tells me it's Rachel Zoe. Now, I don't know if I would have said "raisin face" as I would have gone the whole "grinch" route, but that's just me. We're all creative in our own ways. Oh, and I have a "hint" too. Asparagus makes your piss stink. I love how people can now fight via Myspace. What ever happened to the days of fighting in person or even on a talk-show for that matter? God bless technology so we can do it online now!

Tom and Katie: The New Sonny and Cher?

Please tell me this isn't actually true. I mean, I love to be able to hear things and I do NOT want to go deaf at such a young age. The Sydney Morning Herald is claiming that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to re-record the song, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" after Tom sang that to Katie at their wedding.

Allegedly, record labels are a little nervous about this as they feel it will be a huge hit and don't want to lose money on it due to Scientology.

This makes me nervous, very nervous. I think it will be popular, but more like "William Hung" popular. Imagine the music video? I bet Tom will do all of his own choreography. I also totally feel that it will be very similar to the episode of Saved By the Bell when Jesse and Slater sang "How am I Suppose to Live Without You." For your viewing pleasure, I've added that clip as well. What can I say? I'm a giver.

Link it Up!

Britney: Putanky Palooza!

Seriously, is Britney new? I mean, is she new to being in the spotlight and getting in and out of cars? Is she new to underpants? Well, I'm glad she has no clue. Ever since Britney has been hanging out with Paris it's like the game "Is That Paris Hilton Ass, Boob, or Stanky Putanky" has totally wore off on her. I've probably seen more Britney Spears ass, boob, and stanky putanky than KFed has. At least Paris is being a good friend and letting Britney know that she needs to keep her legs closed while getting into the car.

Again, anyone see her kids? And I actually mean her children...not boobs. Oh ok, has anyone seen those too?

Will Jessica Give an Oscar Performance?

Uh-oh, it looks like the sex-tape rumor whorehouse is busting at the foundation again (I have no idea what that means)! Rumor has it that there is a Jessica Simpson sex tape floating around town in which her and Nick Lachey are screwing until the cows come home.

A random source has told a British newspaper that "Jessica is horrified her name and sex tape are being mentioned in the same sentence. She's always been a good girl of high morals and principles."

What's the big deal? This tape will definitely sell more copies than the "Dukes of Hazard" sold and as long as Jessica doesn't try to do another bad southern accent, I'm in! Allegedly, this tape is in the hands of the same people who leaked the Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee sex tape. Well the good news is that nobody saw that, right?

Good luck Jessica! This could be your best work yet!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Which Last Name Will Pam Use Now?

Pamela Anderson Hep Lee Rock has filed for divorce from her husband Kid Rock. I mean, they did give it a good solid 4-months. The best part is that it literally was a race to the courthouse. Pam filed for divorce first and then in less than an hour Kid Rock went to the courthouse and filed for divorce too. It's nice that they still stay competitive with each other. I just hope that Pam finds someone right away and marries him so that I can add another name to her last name.

JoJo Says Shes F'n Stupid

I had reported last month with my award winning journalism that singer JoJo was spotted at Hyde (a club/bar) in LA. Being that little JoJo is only 15 years old it was odd that she would be at a bar in which you must be 21 to enter. I know, the horror. Anyway, Multiple Persons Magazine followed up with JoJo about a month later at the American Music Awards and has asked her what that was all about.

Basically, JoJo said that she was an f'n retard, but let me show you what she specifically stated:

"I didn't know it was 21 and's a freakin' restaurant and I was there with my mom and two other underage friends. I had milk and cookies.....[but] it was great!"

Oh JoJo, way to throw your mother and two underage friends under the bus. I'm calling DSS and having them take you out of your house since your mom forces you to go to bars. And, "whatever" that you didn't know it was 21 and over. I sometimes make that mistake as I walk into a "bar" and am there all night and then am like, "wait a minute this isn't a bar at's a nursing home!" It happens to me all the time. I mean, even though there are old women in wheelchairs, under blankets, being fed applesauce does not mean that I'm just "suppose" to know that it isn't a bar. Besides, I get way lucky at a nursing home. I do well with old women. Hmm, I miss them.

Anyway, watch your step there J. Jo because it won't be long before you end up just like Lindsay unwed mother! Oh wait, that isn't true? Oh well, you get the point. P.S Next time you say "freakin'" in an interview I'm going to wash your mouth our with sour milk. Good day.

Morning Links

I'm back! Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and some time off. Enjoy these sites as yet another gift from me to you!

~Jessica Alba Channels an Olsen ~ Yeeeah!
~Uh-oh, Britney Forgot Her Underpants ~ CelebritySmack
~Michael Richards Continues Damage Control ~ HollyScoop
~You Wanted KFed to Choke on His Turkey? ~ SpankCheeks
~Famous People Without Makeup ~ PopBytes
~Is Lohan Losing Her Shit? ~ Celebitchy

Am I Too Old for MTV?

There comes a time in everyones life when they start to feel a bit older, not necessarily old....just older. For me, there isn't anything that makes me question my age quite like MTV. I mean, first I know that I'm getting older because I am no longer of "eligible" age to try out for the Real World and with most other shows they are casting for they say you must "appear" to be between the ages of like 21-24. Again, I feel old and I'm not even. I feel ancient when I watch Laguna Beach, but like an actual major catastrophe you are forced to watch episode after episode (plus, I heart Cami).

The straw the broke the camels (toe) back for me was tuning into a rerun of the season premiere of The Real World: Denver. Seriously? It's the same thing every season. Not only is it the same thing every season, but it always reminds me of many of my college experiences. Basically, to sum up, everyone gets completely shit-faced, hooks up, screams, yells, gets into a fight, wakes up, and does it all over again. And, this season looks to be much of the same. Yeah, I got to see that in seasons 1-12...I may be ready for a change. Or, worse yet, I may just be getting old.

What I want to know is where is the programming showing the people roughly my age. Just show me some 25-29 year olds once in a while and I'd be fine. Is there really nothing going on in that age bracket?
Ok so, sure you have to work a real job and stuff, but there is plenty of hijinks that me and my friends get into and usually it does involve drinking, but also some major life things that are really important. Please don't tell me that if I want to watch that I have to tune into VH1. I'm not that old yet.

Instead of "Sweet Sixteen" how about "Shitty 27." It could be what it's like to celebrate your 27th b-day with your friends and feel like your world is about to come to an end because you haven't achieved your goals yet, your still trying to save money for a house, you're single, and no one is buying you a car....or anything for that matter. Oh wait, is that just me? Regardless, to all of you out there who are in the same boat as me one day we will live in a world where "entertaining television" does not just consist of people who are 18-24. I promise there is a market out there for the 25-29 year old. Sorry 30-year olds, there is not a market out there for you.....until I one day turn 30 and change my tune. If 60 is the new 40, couldn't 27 at least be the new 21? I mean I'm not too good with math, but that makes sense right? How about "True Life: I am Destined to Create Programming for the 25-29 Year Olds." Ok, so the title isn't catchy, but it would be good, right?
Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE me some MTV...always have, always will. I just want MTV to grow with me. See, I can be mature sometimes too. Ok, I'm off my soapbox now. Hahaha, I said "box."

Britney & Paris: Ice Skating Partners

Did Britney pull a "Tom Cruise" and forget about her kids? I think she may have. They haven't been seen in weeks. I say "full custody" to KFed. Moving on, Britney and Paris have been "buddy buddy" or as like like to call them "busty bustless" over the past few weeks. This time, over the weekend dressed like ice skating partners, Britney and Paris were in a private party (with their privates) in the Hollywood Hills. What perhaps could be the best part of all of this is how each of them are wearing just one fishnet stocking (does saying that make me 50?). Paris has one on and Britney has the other one on that is perfectly torn just inches away from her crotchy crotcherson. Good for her. Maybe she tore them "scratching" at herself due to a frequent itch and burn. I just hope that these were Britney's and Paris took one from her because if it were the other way around I think you can get crabs that way. Yup, I just looked it up in the whore-encyclopedia and it stated that you could.

Nelly Furtado is a Letdown

I'm gonna say it. I like Nelly Furtado. I think I may have even said it before. However, sometimes she reallly lets me down. There was that one time she had flames painted up and down her arms and now there is this. Nelly was asked to pose for Playboy and she turned it down. Oh, did I mention they offered her $500,000 to do it? Oh yeah, and did I mention they just wanted her to pose fully clothed? Yup. Not even boobs to the wind! According to Nelly, "To do it would be a vanity thing, an egotistical thing."

Uh, so? It would also be a money thing, meaning you would get money to do this. I know, the thought is crazy. Let me tell ya, Nelly, I would take a picture of me dry-humping a dead turkey on the side of the road....naked....with a pinwheel hat on....and without teeth for like $175. Hell, I'd do it for $175 Canadian dollars. It's just very disappointing.

Shakira Works at My Bank

I'd been wondering what in the hell happened to Shakira. I mean, I know that "Hips Don't Lie" is still #1 on the Billboard Charts (trust me, it is), but I really hadn't seen or heard from Shakira in what seems like months. Then after I saw this picture of her from over the weekend I had remembered! Shakira totally works at the bank that I go to. That's what she's been up to. I'm actually really happy for her because according to the poster that is framed and hanging in the banks lobby she has just been promoted to "Head Teller." I think that's great. She's already dressing like a business woman from the early 1980's, so she must be taking her new promotion seriously. I just hope that one day she gets promoted to "drive through" teller. I would love to hear her voice over the microphone.

Moving on, why the hell is she protecting that bag in both pictures? What's in it? Perhaps she robbed the bank? Perhaps she is trying to hide a bit of the cameltoe that's trying to peek out? The possibilities are endless. Shakira, let me tell you a little something...none of your employees are going to respect you if you wear business suits that show off the cameltoe. You'll be demoted to "bank greeter" before you know it!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy Almost Thanksgiving Links

Sorry to disappoint, but with the craziness of Thanksgiving upon us I will have to leave you with only some other sites to check out, BUT I do have my priorities straight and I understand that it is Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday, so that one is below. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone and if you are not reading this in the US, have a happy Thursday tomorrow. I will be back on Friday.

Happy Harriet Carter Thanksgiving!

Wow, the day before Thanksgiving already! What better way to celebrate the day before than to have yourself a slice of Harriet Carter. Let's see what she has to sell to us this time.

Photo # 1 - Where to begin, where to begin? There's so much, really. First off, let's go with the t-shirt well before we even begin to comment on this little girl. "What happens at Grandma's Stays at Grandma's." Um, yeah. Is Grandma in Cancun on spring break, because that's the only time I've ever really heard that expression used. What does happen at grandma's? Is this girl getting abused by grandma and the t-shirt is just a friendly little reminder to keep her mouth shut? If so, I say "run little girl, run!" Don't let grandma bully you anymore! On the other hand, this little girl actually looks like what happens at grandma's. It looks like grandma brushes her granddaughters hair with an egg-beater and then sprays 2 cans of AquaNet all over it....and then she wets it with the hose. Then, she takes that hose and hits this little girl in the eye. Seriously, I can only imagine what these "Harriet Carter photo shoots" must be like. I may not be a professional photographer, but all they really need to do was look at the picture and then say to themselves, "You know what? We should totally take this over again." It really is that simple. Again, if this little girl is "what happens at grandma's" then stay the hell away from grandma's. They would have been better off putting that shirt on a dead woodchuck and taking the picture. Ok ok, I'll be roasting in hell if you need me. Let's move on.

Photo # 2 - You know what would totally dress up your trailer? Little cats wearing hats that sit on the top of your lamp shade. I know, brilliant right? Luckily Harriet Carter sells these. I know, go figure. Now these can totally be marketed at two totally different groups of people. (A) Spinsters and (2) Your crazy great-aunt who has finally just stopped taking her meds cold turkey. My thought though is that if you truly are a spinster, you probably already have these. I have a question. Who paints their wall that blue? Is that lamp in the sky? I can't quite tell. With any luck those cats are flammable, will catch fire, burn down the trailer, and put you out of your misery. Thanks Harriet, but only you can prevent trailer fires.

Photo # 3 - Like I said before there are two things that Harriet Carter seems to be obsessed with; horses and death (but not combining the two). Harriet always likes to remind you that you are missing someone in your life. This time her death stone says the following: "If Tears Could Build a Stairway and Memories a Lane, I'd Walk Right Up to Heaven and Bring You Home Again." Ok, so first off the words "lane" and "again" don't rhyme, unless you say the word "again" with a British accent and say it like, "ah-gain." Stupid. Second of all I kinda get the tears part for building stairs, but why the hell would you need a lane? My guess is that you probably would have the only stairs going up to heaven, so would you really need a lane for that? I mean it's not like there will be tons of stair traffic. And I'm all for you walking up to heaven, but that's a realllly long walk. Say for example I was in heaven. If you showed up and was all like, "hey I built some stairs, you wanna come back down to earth?" I'd be like, "thanks, but not really. Heaven is cool. I don't have to work, I can eat whatever I want, and I have the best tan." Good luck with the walk back down to earth jackass. I mean, not for nothing, but I'm not going to back to earth and have to re-open my checking account and beg my job to take me back. I kinda like not having to pay a mortgage. I'm all set, thanks though.

Photo # 4 - Have you been looking for the world's most obnoxious umbrella? Well, I know this may come as a surprise to you, but guess who sells it? Harriet Carter! I know! Nothing says "high maintenance" quite like a see-through umbrella that covers your entire head. Take a look at that picture. Now, imagine walking up the street and seeing that chick coming at you with that shit-eating grin on her face. I hope that umbrella is "punch proof" because someone is going to totally kick her ass. And, again with the blue background? Are they taking this picture literally in the sky? Why the hell is she even using this umbrella? It looks like it's partly sunny out. Wait a minute, maybe she built some "stairs of tears" and is heading up to heaven to bring someone home. Brilliant! Good job planning ahead lady! I apologize. Carry on.

That concludes another segment of Harriet Carter. God bless that crazy son-of-a-bitch!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Val Kilmer Envies Tom Cruise's Chins

Val Kilmer totally sweats Tom Cruise and is doing his best to mimic everything about him...starting with his extra set of chins. These photos were taken last night at the after party for the movie, "De Ja Vu." You know what Val is having "de ja vu" with right now? Gaining his "freshman 15." He has more chins than a Chinese phonebook. Oh! Stop me if you heard this. Seriously that joke was in a joke book I had when I was little, really. Ah, the good old days when nothing was politically correct.

Anyway, what the hell happened to this guy? He totally looks like me from my freshman year of college, but right before my sister saw me with a tie on and told me it looked like my head was going to pop off. It was then that I knew that I'd had one too many beers/late night snacks. So Val, as my wise sister once said, you look like your head is going to pop off. Reign it in brother, reign it in.

No word if Val has called Jenny yet or if he plans to appear on Oprah in one year in a lime-green bedazzled speedo. If and when that day comes I will be pouring bleach into my Tivo.

Kelly Clarkson IS Sally Field

I've said before that Kelly Clarkson is angry, has mom hair, has mom ass, and now I can add something new to the list. Kelly Clarkson is Sally Field (who also happens to be a mom).

As a side note, in other breaking Kelly Clarkson news, she has enlisted Mike Watts to help her out with her upcoming 3rd album. With the help of Watts, there are sure to be a bunch of angry songs in which Kelly can yell at all of us, tell us she's moving on, she's independent, and make us all feel bad about ourselves...well the guys at least.

Kramer is Wicked Sorry Dude

Similar to Michael Jackson live at the Neverland Ranch holding a press conference, Michael Richards was "via satellite" last night on Letterman. As a side note, I love via satellite. I wish I could be via satellite once in a while myself...I'm working on it. Anyway, on Letterman, Michael Richards apologized for his insane racial outburst. Here's what he had to say:

"I lost my temper on stage. I was trying to do my act and I got heckled. I took it badly and went into a rage and said some really nasty things to some Afro-Americans," Richards tells Letterman via satellite. "I'm really busted up over this. I'm really, really sorry. "I'm concerned about the anger coming through. I'm deeply, deeply sorry. I'm not a racist, that's what so insane about this....I just have to do personal work. I'm still reeling from this."

And Scene!

I kinda know where he's coming from. One time on this very blog someone left me a comment and told me that I sucked and that I should get off the Internet. I don't know what happened. I went into a rage, myself, and ran out onto the street and just started beating the bag out of old women. I broke their canes, put tree sticks in their wheel-chair spokes, pulled out their dentures, stole their calcium supplements, and then pushed them onto the ground (hoping for a brittle bone break). I am deeply, deeply sorry. I don't hate old women, that's what was so insane about this. I guess I'm still reeling from this.

Does that make it all better? Dude, Barbara Walters lost her shiz over what Mel Gibson did and vowed never to watch any more Mel Gibson movies. If someone doesn't say something similar about this (hint hint Oprah) I fear another LA riot....and cue Rodney King.

I know things can change with time, but for now I can never look at Kramer the same way. I may never even watch any of his shows again. Well, only because they are typically canceled after the pilot. Regardless, I'm starting to rethink my Tivo Season Pass for Seinfeld.

Who Said That!?!

Show Me the Money: Holy Shat!!

Other countries hate America for many reasons such as ignorance, "the war," our fat and happy attitude, etc. Now we have an additional reason: Show Me the Money. "Show Me the Money" is a new game show hosted by William Shatner. This is the final straw for me when finally realizing that America Reality Television has turned into "Sabado Gigante." Many of you should be familiar with "Sabado Gigante." It's basically the "free-for-all" show on the Spanish channel. There's lots of flashing lights, sparkly clothes, and people doing random shit for absolutely no reason at all. Show Me the Money is totally Sabado Gigante. The show premieres tomorrow night on ABC, but I've already seen the preview episode and let me tell ain't pretty. What starts out as a regular trivia game show quickly takes a turn for the worse when William Shatner stops the question asking and informs the women of the show to "dance." So, they dance. He's told them to "salsa" and they do. It literally is like an SNL skit, but it's for real.

Could other countries hate us any more? Now I may say that it's a train-wreck, and it definitely is, and I also say that it is hands down the worst show on television, which means....I of course love it. You nee to watch this show. You actually won't believe it. It's shat-tastic!

Britney and Paris: The New Ernie and Bert

Britney and Paris were hanging out in Vegas...why? No clue. Regardless there they are with pictures snapping all over the place. What has it come to in your career when hanging out with Paris Hilton seems like a good business/career decision? Perhaps Britney is getting sex tape tips from Paris. It's kinda like "ask the expert." I just hope Britney's sex tape doesn't have that green lighting like Paris' tape did. It was very alien-like.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Kramer is the New Mel Gibson

Click Here To Play: Be Warned This Contains Swear Words. Earmuffs Kids!

Oh snap! Right now Mel Gibson is breathing a sigh of relief right now as all the racial spotlight is on Michael Richards, Kramer from Seinfeld. Michael Richards was performing at The Laugh Factory when he experienced a little heckling. Allegedly one of the hecklers, who was African American (see how politically correct I am) said that he wasn't funny. Then that's when the real shit went down. As you saw in the video, Michael Richards completely lost his shit and started screaming racial slurs at the gentleman. Seriously it was horrific. Completely awkward. It seem like a first the crowd was laughing a bit, probably thinking it was part of the show, and then they soon realized that he totally lost his mind. This went on for over 2-minutes and was all caught on tape.

While at this point Michael Richards still has not released a comment, but Jerry Seinfeld did. Jerry said, "I am sick over this. I'm sure Michael i sick over this horrible, horrible mistake. It is so extremely offensive. I feel terrible for all the people who have been hurt."
Good luck getting out of this one!

Free Sex Tape! Get Your Free Sex Tape!

It looks as if all the hoopla may come to an end (ish) if Britney has her way with the alleged "Britney/Kevin" sex tape from their honeymoon 2-years ago. A random unnamed source close to Britney (yeah, must be real close) has claimed that Britney may just end up giving the sex tape away for free so that Kevin can't make a dime off of it. Or...better yet, Britney also mentioned posting a clip of it on Myspace. Score. Hopefully she'll except my "friend request" before it's too late.

According to this random source, "Half of nuthin' is nuthin', and that's what her lying skunk of a husband will get if she gives that video away before he can find some sleazeball to buy it."

You can almost hear an audience in the background chanting, "Go Ricky! Go Ricky! Go Ricky!" No word yet if the "random source" then shot a gun in the air and yelled "yeee haw!"

In other Britney news, she was spotted in Vegas over the weekend with her previous manager, Larry Rudolph, (photo above) to work on her new album and she even found the time to hang out with Mario Lopez. Random.

Who Claims This Crap!?!

A Link is a Link is a Link is a Link is a Link

Check out these links or Jada gets it! Ok, well check them out anyway,

Brad Pitt Channels Willie Nelson

It was really a toss up for me whether I thought he was channeling Willie Nelson or that dude who sang "Rico Suave" in the mid 1990's. I went with Willie Nelson, well, because of the whole drug factor and braids, etc.

Regardless, the Jolie-Pitt's were out and about with their family in sunny Mumbai (no idea where that is) and decided to hop on a boat and take a bit of a tour. The water looks awesome...very tropical. I believe that water of that color is most ideal for fishing for new kids to adopt. I'm sorry I just have this rule about not getting on a boat in a foreign country. I never would go para sailing on some random island. I just think that they have different rules/laws over there when it comes to boats that are way different than here in the good old U.S of A. Call me ignorant.

In even more important Brad and Angelina news, some crazy-ass newspaper is claiming that Angelina Jolie has been using "voodoo" to keep Brad and Jennifer Aniston apart. No joke, they're actually saying that. Here is a quote, (I shit you not):

"...And according to a leading voodoo expert, Doctor Snake, Jolie has allegedly put a magical spell on Pitt to forbid him from rekindling his relationship with the former Friends beauty.

"That vial sounds suspiciously like a voodoo 'mojo hand', or magical charm", said the author of cult best-seller "Voodoo Spellbook" to Softpedia."

Awesome! Seriously? Dr. Snake? Mojo Hand? Dr. Snake? Really? Dr. Snake? Let me tell you something "HindustanTimes" it's award winning journalism like that that will land you an online celebrity blog such as one like ImBringingBloggingBack. Keep up the great work.

Time to Play the Paris Game!

It seems like ages since we were able to play with Paris herself, but you're right it's time to play, "Is That Paris Hilton Ass, Boob, or Stanky Putanky!" I even wrote a jingle for it, but since you can't hear me you'll have to make up your own beat.

"If your day in work is boring or you are a little cranky,
ImBringingBloggingBack can get you outta that funk,
Cuz it's time to play, "Is that Paris Hilton Ass, Boob, or Stanky Putanky"

And Scene. Fade to black.

If you guessed, "ass" I'm sorry that would be incorrect. If you guessed "boob" ding ding ding you would have won. If you had put down "drunken boob" you would have guessed the secret answer and won bonus points, along with a year supply of random products by "Goya."

Paris and Starvros looked drunk as hell as they were recently coming back from a night out and stopped at a drive-thru, but not before Paris popped and her shirt fell down. I'm assuming it's because she is forced the buy cheap clothes and is on a fixed income. I tell ya, underage kids in India certainly can't sow like they use to. If it was up to me, I'd knock their hourly wage down to 12 cents an hour and see if they get the message.

TomKat Officially Married, Again!

How many times can two people have the same wedding? And more importantly, why does it look like Katie Holmes has a comb-over mullet? Katie and Tom spent $2.5 million on their Italian wedding (cheap bastards), but that wedding was more just for "show." The rep of Tom and Katie (possibly Xenu) confirmed that their official wedding actually took places earlier in LA. So, basically just as I always suspected this wedding was more of a skit with a lot of guest stars. I'm tired of talking about these two. Hopefully we won't be hearing from them until their divorce, which my guess will be July 2007. See you then. Hopefully Katie's Rogaine will start to kick in by then and she won't need the comb-over anymore.

Who Said That!?!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Links Before The Wedding of Tom and Katie

My computer seems to be on the fritz today, so I will leave you with some excellent links. It's my little gift to you, Tom, and Katie (not Suri) before their big day.

Tyra and Clay: Who's The Chick?

...and I'm not saying which is the chick and which isn't or which is the dude and which isn't. It's kinda like a brain teaser, really. Clay sashed his way onto the set of Tyra and even got to have his very own cue cards! Wow, see it doesn't matter that you didn't win American Idol, you still have so much to be grateful for. I mean the Tyra Banks show really when you realize that you have arrived.

Clay spoke of such things as his new album, his hair, and that's about all. No word yet if Tyra crushed him like a bug and ate him. One thing can be gaurenteed though; Tyra was loud, obnoxious, awkward, and not that funny.

The episode will air on Nov 22, so set your Tivo all you Clay Aiken if your Tivo didn't think you were gay enough already!

Suri Loses More Baby Fat Than Tom

Suri must have a rigorous workout because she has lost waaay more baby fat than Tom has. Is he kidding with the double chin? Don't most people try to lose a pound or two before their wedding? And it's not like he's packing on the pounds for a big movie role, as he is "without work" for the time being.

It's almost time for the wedding and everyone is already arriving for this circus, except Oprah who never made the cut. Too bad. Dream bigger next time Oprah. Jim Carrey, Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx, Jada Pinkett Smith, and the paparazzi were the first to arrive for the wedding. I hope they got Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx to sing during the ceremony. I would love to see that. Oh, but I wouldn't want to hear it, just see it.

Is this whole thing a little insane? When you really think about it, it kinda is. I feel like Tom and Katie feel like they're royalty. And where the hell are Tom's other kids? I saw one photo of them and they looked miserable. Have they even been introduced to Katie yet?

Anyway, the wedding is taking place in the next day or two. My money is on Tom crying like a little bitch throughout the whole ceremony. Congratulations, in advance....sort of. Not really.

Tina Fey Hates Paris Hilton

Tina Fey stopped by Howard Stern to promote her show, "30 Rock" and it's move to Thursday nights, but not before giving up some info on some horrible guest hosts of Saturday Night Live. Typically the hosts were great according to Tina, but everyone now and then you would get a bad one. And, cue Paris Hilton. Tina thought that Paris Hilton was a "piece of shit." Most of the cast felt the same way too.

According to Tina, Paris had asked them to write a skit so she could play Jessica Simpson because she hated Jessica and thought she was fat. Paris was also so uninterested in anyone but herself that the cast actually had a bet going to see if Paris would ask them anything personal like, "how are you?"

I say, awesome! I mean who doesn't get that douche bag vibe from Paris?

Who Said That!?!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Michael Jackson is Condom Ready

I wonder if Michael Jackson is up to his old tricks again? Michael was at the World Music Awards last night with what looks like a condom in his hand. He is "ready for action" at a moments notice. Jeesh! This isn't the "Children's Music Awards." Keep it in your pants you perv.

Anyway, after Michael won 8 awards (for I have no clue for what) he was supposed to sing a little bit of "Thriller" on stage, but instead he broke into a few lines of "We Are The World" and he even struggled with a few of the high notes (amateur). Awkward!

While Michael was in London, it has been rumored that he demanded that the hotel he was staying at construct an 18-foot wall to provide him with added privacy for him and his family. I mean, I think that 18 feet is the exact measurement needed in order to properly diddle in private. What? I'm just saying.

At the World Music Awards, hosted by Lindsay Lohan (why?), Michael did win the "diamond award" which is only given to those who have sold over 100 million albums. Wow sounds like a real train-wreck of an award show to me. Wish I was there.

Laguna Beach 3, RIP

R.I.P Season 3, R.I.P.

It's graduation day for some of the kids of Laguna Beach and you know what that means! There are only a few more times that Cami can show her boobs. How sad. In the first 10 minutes alone Cami's boobs were falling out of her tennis shirt. Later at graduation, Cami had on this "shirt" that basically just covered the lowest part of her boobs (just directly above her waist). Oh Cami, I can't wait for next season when you graduate and you can put your tassel somewhere else besides your cap.
Graduation also consisted of Cameron and Kyndra getting into a fight about "standing up" and "cheering" for the graduates. Yeah, no that's really what they were fighting about. I almost forgot to say my obligatory, "I'm getting too old for this shit."
Next up, Cameron has a "beginning of summer" bbq that even included a slideshow. Really? Who does that? Kyndra fake cried and even more shocking was the Cami's boobs actually were inside her shirt. Maybe they were sick?
Later, Breanna wrote Rocky a love letter basically blaming herself for the fall out of their friendship. Breanna basically begs for her friendship back. I hope Rocky says no. Breanna is boring and she looks like Mask. But, Rocky doesn't take my advice and she goes to Breanna's mansion. Then, it gets awkward. I wonder if Breanna wants to make up so she can get some more camera time next season. I would if I were her. Breanna is a girl genius!
Uh, yeah and Tessa didn't take the news to well that Rocky and Breanna were becoming friends again. Rocky totally traded down.
Breaking news: Cameron and Jessica go to the beach and feeling "glum" Cameron asks if Jessica ever thinks she would turn into his girlfriend. Typically Jessica would be all dysfunctional and throw herself at him and then yell at him, but this time she said "no." She didn't think she would ever be his girlfriend. I think, I think that may be a sign of the end of the world.
In conclusion, Alex gave Rocky a ring that kinda looked like a cross between a seahorse and a lady bug. I have to be honest, I threw up a little in my mouth.
And so ends another season of Laguna Beach. I am dumber because of it. Thanks MTV.

OJ Simpson: If I Did It

As you've probably already heard by now OJ Simpson is giving an interview about how he would have committed the murders if he was the one responsible for the crimes. Come on OJ, be positive. Don't say "if" say "when"....when you killed your wife.

To no surprise, news of this interview has made relatives of the victims insane! The interview with be shown on none other than Fox later this month and just in time for sweeps week! OJ's book is called "If I did It" Again, I think he should always say positive and title it "When I Did It."
You know you're totally going to watch this train-wreck of an interview. No word yet if an interview with Osama Bin Laden pinpointing his involvement in Sept. 11th will air immediately following the OJ show.

Who Said That!?!

Ba Ba Brangelina, I'm Loving It!

As Angelina Jolie is dressed like an ethnic housewife, they are actually filming scenes from "A Mighty Heart" right smack dab in McDonalds. Do you really need to go all the way to India to film in a McDonalds? I don't even think that Angelina's body even knows how to process food from McDonalds. I bet they said "action" she chews some food, they yell "cut" and she spits it out in the lap of her co-star. I'm thinking she figured she was filming in a homeless shelter. Better watch your kids! Angelina looks hungry for adopting some kids....not food.