Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Harriet Carter: My Heart, My Soulmate

As always, Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! My goal is to change the entire world population from saying "Happy Humpday!" to "Happy Harriet Carter Day!" Spread the word.
I am truly amazed by the amount of products that are in the catalog. I feel like every time I go back to look there are an additional 3,000 more pieces of crap for sale. I think I want to start buying it just for the hell of it. Anyway, let's dive in, shall we?

Photo # 1 - Looking forward to that big upcoming job interview, but don't want to appear cheap and lazy? I hear ya! Well, worry no more because now you can throw on your business suit, ladies, and you don't have to worry about being totally weighed down by a full shirt. The thought of having to wear a full shirt is crazy! Harriet Carter has made it easy for you! Now you can just purchase the part of the shirt that people will see. Are sleeves too confusing and complicated for you? Me too! Now you only have to worry about the collar and, what looks like, an unfolded napkin. Dazzle your future co-workers with this stylish get up. Let's just hope your future employer doesn't ask you to take off your jacket or it could get a little embarrassing. If that does happen, simply take off your coat, expose that getup you have on and simply say, "I'm such a go-getter I don't have time for sleeves." Without knowing it, you probably just increased you salary by about $40K and landed yourself the VP title. Thanks Harriet, you lazy whore!

Photo # 2 - Ok, so I'm convinced that Harriet Carter blows horses. Yup, she's totally into it. She sells so much horse shit (pun intended) in her catalog that it amazes me (remember that dreaded horse pillow?). Are you finished pondering all human issues and experiences? Are you ready to start figuring out what horses think about? Well, now you can simply just read the book titled, "How to Think Like a Horse." Seriously, what!?! No joke, Harriet should be tied to that horse and dragged though a field where all the other horses get to stomp on her. Still can't imagine a life without horses, Harriet?

Photo# 3 - Your son is NEVER to young to start looking like a child molester. Get him started early and start from the top! Seriously, regardless of the fact that this is ANOTHER horse item, check out the hair on this kids head. First of all there is absolutely no way that is his real hair. If you click on the photo you'll see that the top of his hair is literally like 12 feet away from his forehead. For whatever reason they decided to photoshop the hair of a convicted level three sex offender and cut and paste it onto this kids head. Without exaggerating this is the craziest thing I may have seen in my life. I can't stop looking at it. It is literally the hair of one of the Three Stooges, or KD Lang. And is that supposed to be grass? It looks like moss. And why does the "sky" literally go all the way to the grass? Is this kid riding a horse or a spaceship? And is that horse supposed to be fun? It looks f'n boring. That kid can barely fit on it and he looks like he's ready to take a shit on the saddle. Seriously, that looks like a horrible horrible time.

Photo # 4 - Aren't mornings a real bitch? Now you don't even have to say anything to your family or co-workers with this handy-dandy Betty Boop coffee mug! Betty doesn't do mornings and neither do you! Oh that Betty is a feisty little minx isn't she? Thanks to this mug you can be as grumpy as you want in the morning, but do me a favor if I am EVER in your office or even your house and I see that mug you know what's going to happen? Yup, it's totally being smashed over your head because you wanna know why? I don't do mugs. Seriously if someone ever said to me "I don't do mornings" there is one very simple response to them; "Fuck you." No additional argument is needed. P.S Harriet, it isn't 1982 anymore. Take that mug, that horse book, that kids wig, and that turtleneck dickie and shove 'em all up your ass. You should get the death penalty. Ho-ho-ho.

Photo # 5 - Hey ladies! Are you running out of reasons to want to kill yourself? Well, now you have a daily reminder on why you should be taking that permanent dirt nap...you're single! And do you want to know how you can remember that you are single? Well, this "boyfriend" pillow but of course! Just think, you get home from a long day of work to an apartment that you live in alone, you eat dinner alone, watch TV alone and then you get ready for bed. Oh no, there is no man in you life to keep you warm. You need to use this pillow as a man substitute and thank God that it comes with an "arm" and a "hand" so it doesn't feel like you are totally alone. If you had any luck at all that arm and hand would come to life and choke you in your sleep and put an end to your miserable life. You should totally thank Harriet Carter for this constant reminder of the single life. Maybe if this lady tossed on some makeup, brushed her "rats nest" of a hairdo, and took a weed-whacker to those eyebrows she wouldn't be sleeping alone?

Ok, well that wraps up another week of Harriet Carter hijinks. I hope you enjoyed it!

5 comments:

Christina said...

OMG, too funny... Thanks for the laugh this morning! :)

Anonymous said...

is that a PONY in photo #2??? hmmmm - happy harriet

Zanna said...

Tell me, does the "man pillow" vibrate? Because that there WOULD make a difference.

Anonymous said...

Dear Zanna:

Can you sew? All you need to do is a simple cross stich once you've inserted any vibrating device. Place the hand on your "back" for a great "massage"....wink wink

Thanks Harriet....Oh god thank you harriet...YES

Anonymous said...

How to think like a horse. It should be: HOW TO BE A HORSE'S ASS.

I agree Harriet is a Whore (good for her)