Friday, October 27, 2006

Links Before My Vacation


Oh my friends I will be gone on a mini vacation, but will return on Tuesday. I know, the horror. I'll be heading to Florida later today to get the hell out of this cold weather and I will be looking for Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx. If I find her I'll let you know. But, when I get back I'll be revived and ready to go on Tuesday! In the meantime, check out these sites to get you though this difficult time.

~ Carmen Electra's Boobs Have Their Own Credit Card ~ Yeeeah!
~ Mischa Barton Wears Dolls Clothes ~ ImNotObsessed
~ Perez Hilton's Bitch Brawl ~ CelebritySmack
~ Paris Gets Felt Up ~ MollyGood
~ Nicole and Keith: Up Close, Very Close ~ PopBytes
~ Designing Grandmothers ~ DListed
~ Mary-Kate Makes Me Afraid ~ JustJared

Boy's Father a Pain in the Ass


Seriously, every time I turn around there is some new story about the "boy's father" in reference to the boy that Madonna is trying to adopt. Every two seconds the "boy's father" is making a statement about the adoption. He's afraid, he was confused, he didn't know who Madonna was, he thought she was just borrowing him, he doesn't want her to adopt him, he does want her to adopt him, he's in the mood for Taco Bell. I mean, this guy is relentless.

Now "boy's father", Yohane Banda, is "afraid that Madonna may get angry and frustrated and decided to dump my son because of these people (the Human Rights activists)."
He also said one of the nicest things you can say as a father. "Boy's father" stated, "I'm afraid David may be sent back and the orphanage may not even accept him. So where will he end up? Here?" Ohhh, that is so sweet. Dude, why would the first place this kid goes if he gets rejected by Madonna an orphanage? Why wouldn't he just go back with "boy's father?"

So, here are my thoughts. Madonna sends for "boy's father" and has "boy's father" live with them in London. Perhaps he'll be their butler or assistant or something. Madonna can quickly teach him a horrible fake British accent and then they can immediately make this into a reality show that will be broadcast on the BBC and titled, "Madonna, Boy's Father, and Me!" It will open to rave reviews. "Boy's father" will sign endorsements with Sketchers, Axe Body Spray, and Swiffer. All will appear on American Idol as guest judges and then "boy" and "boy's father" can head back to their village and run for mayor. It's really a win-win.

Kelly Clarkson Has Mom Hair


...meaning, she has your mother's haircut....literally. Go check on your mother and see if she is missing her hair. Kelly Clarkson was at the "CMT Giants Honoring Reba McEntire" last night and was performing for Reba. Honestly, I think she was mocking Reba a bit by making fun of the haircut that Reba had in 1991. I believe in order to get this particular haircut a few things need to happen (1) you must be a minimum of 43 years old (2) you must first start with a home perm (3) you need approximately 1.5 cans of Aqua Net (4) you must use the curling iron for 3 sessions of 45 minutes (5) you must have children and (6) you must be a newscaster. Is Kelly Clarkson trying to tell us something? I mean she already has the "mom hips" and "mom ass" and she is literally seconds away from rocking the cameltoe. If she lifted up that shirt (??) about 2 centimeters she would be full on cameltoe. Well, just another reason why country music and anything to do with Reba McEntire frightens me.

Snoop Dogg Arrested, No!


Yes my friends it's true. Pick your jaw up off the ground. Snoop Dogg has been arrested at a California airport on suspicion of drug and gun possession. The horror! I don't believe it for a minute! Snoop is a quick one though because he already posted bail of $35K and will be scheduled to appear in court on December 12th.

You would think Snoop would be smarter about this by now. He should have gone the Paris Hilton route and hid his drugs in a "Tickle Me Elmo" doll. That way if he ever gets busted again he could clearly place the blame on Elmo and just say that he's laughing cuz he's high. I'm such a problem solver.

KFed McDonald


KFed is clearly channeling Ronald McDonald. You know, even with the white paint on his face, Kevin Bottomfeederline is more white than good old Sir Ronald McDonald himself! Uhhh, does he know his hat is about to fall of his head. Do you still do that when you're 30?

Nicole Richie Rehab: Why???


Why in the hell would Nicole Richie ever have to cart her ass to rehab? She seems totally fine, why? Oh I get it, she's skinny. My friends at E! Online (they don't know me) are reporting that Nicole's publicist has said:

"She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition," says the rep. "It is important to Nicole that she achieve this goal in a healthy way, [but] this is not a treatment for an eating disorder."

What do they mean she can't gain weight? Does crack keep the pounds off? Who knew?!?! Now, I'm definitely not a doctor or a nutritionist, but I have read multiple medical books and I guess there is some new treatment out there on how to add some weight to your body. It originated in a secret jungle and is now making waves in the United States. It's called "food." I know, odd. I guess what you do is you eat this substance called "food" and there are many different types of "food" to choose from. A doctor friend of mine told me that you put this "food" in your mouth and then use your teeth to chew the "food" and then you swallow it. I guess you're supposed to repeat that process multiple times per day. I just hope that Nicole has the connections to the doctors and medical books that I've learned this information from.

Angelina to Take Your Baby Next


Parents, hold on to your screaming bratty kids because Angelina Jolie is out on the loose and she's looking for a new kid to adopt. Now, being here in the US, your kids are probably safe as Angelina typically likes to go to no name countries to get herself a kid at a discount price.

According to recent random reports, Angelina and Brad Jolie have already applied to adopt a baby from an Indian orphanage and hope to bring the child home (kicking and screaming) by Christmas. That's sweet. I'm jealous. Sometimes I wish that I were from a poor village so the rich and famous could adopt me. Damn my parents love for each other!

A drunken source has said, "Brad would prefer a boy no older than 18 months." Who knew Brad Pitt had so much in common with Michael Jackson? It must be fun to pick and choose kids the "Burger King way."

Thursday, October 26, 2006

A Hot Cup of Links


Adopt a Homeless Celebrity


Move over Namibia and Malawi (or whatever the hell it's called) there is a new place to adopt. Right here in the good old U S of A! Why bother adopting a young child that you need to teach, raise, pay for, etc when you can adopt a homeless celebrity right here in your very own backyard. They're already potty trained (well almost all of them), they already have their own careers, and one of them is already a billionaire and I'm sure they'll make room in their will for you! All that these homeless celebrities really need is a good scrubbing, clothes that fit, clean clothes, perhaps a shave, and maybe even a little coffee (well not for the Olsen...it will stunt her growth).

So, for $1.00 a day, the price of a half a cup of cold coffee from a seedy diner, you too can adopt your very own homeless celebrity. Can you look them in the eye and really say no?

VH1 Totally 80's Party---From Hell


When VH1 wants to throw an 80's party they know how to throw it! Well, they just don't know how to get any celebrities to go to it. When they had their "Totally Awesome" party the other night in Hollywood it was all E-list all over the place. What kind of "celebrities" would make it to an event like this? Good question. Well it would be none other than Andrew Dice Clay, who is possibly the newest "fat Elvis," Tina Yothers from "Family Ties," and Chris Kattan from "SNL" of yesteryear and that's about it. What could these three possibly talk about once inside?

Laguna Beach Gossip Hurts


As always, I must start this post by saying that I'm getting too old for this crap. However, like a choreographed train-wreck, I must watch. Seriously, Laguna Beach is completely bizzaro world. Cameron and crew are playing bocci ball on the beach. Yup, on it. In the sand. Really? Yeah really. Rocky's ex and his buddy are at the driving range and decided to stop in the middle of it to call Lexi and her friends to ask them to the concert. And, cue Rocky's ex (whose name I can never remember) take a swing at the ball and completely let go of the club. If I was there and after seeing them on their cell phones I would have run out, grabbed the club, and hit him over the head with it. Complete tool.

Moving on. The producers of Laguna Beach must have given everyone some bonus money if they could continually do two things: (1) Say the word "bonfire" and (2) constantly analyze the events of the bonfire. Literally, every two seconds Rocky, Tessa, and Chase would talk about being at the bonfire and their boyfriends not talking to them at the bonfire and having it be awkward at the bonfire and wanting to leave the bonfire. I'm like, girls stop saying freakin' "bonfire."
Tessa struggles with her boyfriend as he hasn't talked to her in like 3 days, but she's going to give him another three days to see if he ends up talking to her. She's an ass. I hope she gets another allergic reaction.

Now, cue the concert. The whole deranged gang is heading out to a concert. Rocky is dressed like she's going to the prom. Everyone else is wearing t-shirts. I think the concert is at a bar. Well, more like a barn that has a bar. Perhaps the best part of the concert is that Cami was there. I miss her. She was wearing red just like the actual Kool-Aid guy. Very appropriate. I like it when Cami makes a cameo, or as I like to call it a "cami-yo."

Even Breanna made an appearance. I believe she had about 14 seconds of air-time. Good for her. That's 10 seconds more than normal. Ok, but back to Rocky. When Rocky hears her ex-boyfriend call her a slut, her reaction is priceless. You would actually think that someone gave Rocky the news that her parents were dead. She covers her mouth, grabs her chest, and has to crouch down on the ground. PRICELESS.
In conclusion, Tessa calls her boyfriend for "the talk." She heads over there, as he waits in the street for her and what do they talk about? Yup, the "bonfire." Her boyfriends decides to just be "friends." Oh well, poor Tessa. Now I feel bad that I wished an allergic reaction on her. I'll be in hell if you need me.

Kirsten Dunst is My Grandma


No, she really is. I'm going onto Maury Povich for a DNA test to prove that Kirsten Dunst is my grandma. I mean, she dresses like my grandma. She has my grandma's open-toed orthopedic sandals on. She has my grandma's shawl/coat that keeps her nice and toasty warm on cool autumn afternoons. She even has my grandma's pocketbook from the mid 1980's. It's the same one that my grandma had that contained mints, juicy fruit, band aids, diabetic candies, her medical alert bracelet, photos of her grand kids, mase, telephone book used for driving, her cataract glasses, bingo dobber, scratch tickets, and half of a peanut butter sandwich. Yup, she's definitely my grandma.

A Fitting Witch for Halloween


The only real thing missing is Sarah Jessica Parker's broomstick. SJP was out spreading her "word" on a decent charity, "Unicef." She was trying to get kids to trick-or-treat for charity. Uh, yeah - I'm sure that's exactly what kids want to do on Halloween. Nothing says childhood Halloween fun quite dressing up in a costume, ring the doorbell, and then having someone give you some money and canned goods.

The real reason I'm showing this picture is because clearly SJP likes ImBringingBloggingBack Blue. I mean, who wouldn't!?

Naomi The Slammer Campbell


Was Naomi "The Slammer" Campbell arrested again in London? Sources at TMZ are reporting that Naomi was arrested on suspision of assault. Supposedly the woman who filed the assault charge was her drug counselor and was "scratched all over the face."

What good times for Naomi! I mean with all the assualt charges she has against her they really should institute some type of "buy one, get one" policy. Basically, for each additional assault charge that Naomi gets she should get off the hook once for free, meaning "no charge." It will be good for Naomi, good for the court system, good for London, and good for the United States. Really, it is a way to create peace between two nations. Think of the bigger picture people! Wait, where was I going with this?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Sorta Almost Dead?


Oh Elisabeth Hasselbeck, from The View, is using her angry words lately! Recently in an episode of Law & Order: SVU they had someone named "Elisabeth Hassenback" raped and killed. Coincidentally, this character was also a 3o-year old woman from NYC. The real Elisabeth Hasselbeck was, of course, really freaked out by this and called one of the producers of SVU to let him know that it was socially irresponsible to do such a thing. To which this producer told her it was a coincidence that their names were so closely related, apologized, said "goodbye lady" and then hung up the phone. Nice! So she's all bent out of shape now and saying that she can't sit next to any of the cast of SVU, etc.
If we've learned anything from this it's that it was a big mistake. Clearly, they decided to focus on the wrong "View" cast member. They could have killed off "Star Janes" or even "Barbara Valters" or hell even "Rosie O'Donald." Why did they have to pick the prettiest one?!

Mena Suvari the New KFed?


What happened to this chick? Mena Suvari seems like she's getting more and more crazy by the day! Does she know that she's white? Oh, and not a man? She's totally give KFed a run for his money (well, Britney's money at least). Anyway, Mena was busy getting her nails did in Venice, CA. I wonder if she is just trying to hide her bowl-cut mullet that she was rocking a few weeks back?

Kathy Lee Blows, Literally!



Do you ever wonder what happened to Kathy Lee Gifford? If you're like me and have lost sleep at night wondering what happened to her, you're in luck! Kathy Lee has been very VERY busy. She's been blowing bubbles, helping other people blow bubbles, and...er...that's about it. It looks like she's finally catching up with good old Frank (age-wise). It is odd to see her actually helping people blow bubbles. I figured that she'd have some kids in a third world country behind the scenes blowing bubbles for her. Oh that's right, I reverted back to 1992. What? I wasn't old enough to blog back then when the actual Kathy Lee scandals were taking place. I don't even think there were blogs back then.

Anyway, the whole Gifford family were celebrating the 10th Anniversary of Cassidy's Place. What in the hell ever happened to Cody and Cassidy anyway? Perhaps they're sewing labels into Kathy Lee's clothes?

Good Morning Links

Ch-ch-check 'em out!

~ Lisa Rhinna Just Needs a Hook and a Parrot ~ Yeeeah!

~ Brad Pitt and a Hooker? ~ CelebritySmack

~ Rachel Bilson All White All the Time ~ MollyGood

~ Borat Mania! ~ PopBytes

~ Happy Birthday iPod! ~ SpankCheeks

~ Lindsay Lohan a Van Dyke? ~ PopSugar

There's Something About Courtney


I clearly spoke too soon when I said yesterday that Courtney Love actually looked good. After taking a bit of a closer look, she definitely is now channeling "There's Something About Mary." I don't even want to think about how she got her hair like that. Urine on her pants yesterday and God knows what in her hair today. Courtney stepped up and out for the premeire of the movie by Borat.

Britney's Baby: Ok, So I Was Half Right


As you know, I think my record is that I'm correct about 22.5% of the time. It looks like Britney's baby is a boy (I said girl), but the name is, infact, Jayden James Federline. I hope and pray they call him "JJ," but when they do they need to be chewing on a piece of hay and shoot a rifle in the air at the same time. Even more intriguing is that Kevin's middle name is "Earl." How honky tonk! Yeeeee haw!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

TomKat To Enter Legally Bound Contract


Rigatoni! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will be getting "married" on the weekend of November 18th in Italy. Entering into this legally binding contract, that I believe you are forced to sign when in a 'relationship' with Tom Cruise, will take place between Nov 16th - Nov 19th for "wedding events." Seriously, if I got a secret invitation that just told me to be ready for events between a few days I'd be like F off. Actually who am I kidding? I'd totally book out a full week. Wedding attire will be made by Giorgio Armani. No word yet if Suri will be put in a red wagon and pulled down the aisle. Nah, they'll probably just leave her at home with Tom's other kids.

Who Said That?!!?

Link it Up!


Madonna to Appear on Oprah


....well not literally because I don't think that Oprah is into that. Well, maybe she is. Anyway, Madonna plans on talking about adoption on Oprah's show, titled "Oprah." Madonna wants to talk about the adoption of her brand new 13-month old son, David. Wait. One child is Lola and the other is Rocco. Why in the hell would she give this kid such a normal name? The interview will be taping today and should air tomorrow (Wednesday). It is expected that Oprah will somehow work a fake British accent into the interview, just to match Madonna's.


10th Annual Hollywood Awards



Welcome to the 10th Annual Hollywood Awards, where I can only suspect that Hollywood is giving out awards to each other for just being rich and famous! A thru D-list was there so there was a little something for everyone.

Penelope Cruz: A Waiter at Olive Garden


I know that she hasn't been in any good movies lately, but to be forced to wait tables at the Olive Garden must be unbearable for her! Oh, wait. Never mind. Penelope Cruz is actually at the 10th Annual Hollywood Awards. So, basically she wore that outfit on purpose. It's very feminine.

Breaking News: Courtney Love is Normal


...well at least she looks normal in this picture. Courtney Love is leaving restaurant Mr. Chow with singer Jamie Burke and they look normal, so to speak. I mean the bottom of her pants are wet and she was inside, so there's a good chance that it could be urine since this is Courtney Love we are talking about. However, I will give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Too Little Too Late


Why won't people ever listen to me? I tried to warn singer JoJo that she was heading down a slippery slope. I predicted she would eventually be the new/next Lindsay No Pants. Looks like I am slowly on the right track. JoJo was spotted leaving hotspot "Hyde" in Hollywood. Did I mention that you need to be 21 to get into Hyde? Did I mention that JoJo is 15? Do you want to know what I was doing when I was 15? I was getting my braces tightened.

Be careful Jo Jo! You'll be knocked up before you know it!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Happy Harriet Carter Monday!


That's right! Back by popular demand, I am pleased to say that Harriet Carter is back baby! Seriously, with all the absolute crap that they sell in the Harriet Carter catalog I will be able to post about her for months and months...and months. As long as she continues to peddle crap, I'll be writing about it. Let's get to it!

First off I've numbered each photo because, well, I'm fancy with photoshop. Look at the absolute high fashion in photo #1. Seriously, the brim is about 2 feet long and I also think that the brim is a legit old fashion table place mat. I think you can take it off, unfold it, and then place your plate, fork, knife, and glass right on it! Lunch on the go! I believe this was all the rage at Fashion Week recently. Something like this would totally cover Nicole Richie's entire head. Wait a minute....!

Let's scan to photo #2. Haircutting has never been easier and it never looked more fun! Nothing says "$100.00 haircut" quite like that contraption. That's actually what it is; a contraption. I can almost hear this dude saying to his wife, "Honey can you give me a haircut?" And then she replies back, "Sure, honey, get the contraption." What a complete horror show. This guy makes me so mad I hope he goes bald and then they can throw away that contraption.

Photo #3. I've spent hours searching and I cannot seem to find a more dramatic picture than photo #3. This lady is so bent over in the "before" photo that she has to be wheelchair bound. Seriously, if are that hunched over you don't need a $14.99 back brace from Harriet Carter, you will literally need major spinal cord surgery. That will run you about $80,000. Also, once she puts on that back brace is she literally getting struck by lightning? Good for her! They should have a disclaimer on it though that lets you know as soon as you put it on you increase your chances of being struck by lightning by 99.9%.
Moving on to Photo #4. There's not much to say about this one, except that it's a dude with rollers in his hair. His hair is white. That is a man. Clearly he is getting ready for his pedophile convention. Sidenote...that looks like my 8th grade nun.
Finally, Photo #5 is such a snappy t-shirt with a hilarious saying on it that will keep your friends laughing for minutes. Not it doesn't, it sucks. Now, cut that t-shirt in half and use it as curtains in your trailer because you know that's where it's heading anyway.
Well folks, that concludes another episode of "Harriet Carter." Thanks for tuning in.

Nicky Hilton and Fat Elvis


It's true! Elvis is alive! Nicky Hilton was spotted with fat Elvis in Malibu this weekend. At one point I actually used to think Nicky was kinda hot. What in the hell happened to her? Doesn't she know my rule about what you're supposed to do when you have money? I guess not.

Is Britney's New Baby a Big Sissy?


Rumor (Willis) has it that Britney and Kevin's baby boy (SPF2) may not actually be a baby boy after all. By process of elimination if not a boy the baby may, in fact, be a girl. Da-da-duuuun! The new possible name of the possible baby in question may actually be "Jayden," which I believe is technically translated from the Native American language meaning, "white trash." Yeah that's right, I went after a poor defenseless baby. Who wants to join me in hell? We'll play Twister and share Satan's Snoopy Snow-Cone maker.

How to Make Jennifer Anison Look Better?


...just strategically place this crazy looking lady directly in front of Jennifer and, presto-chango, you have a younger, prettier, and skinnier looking Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer will be playing the lead role in future movie, "Counter Clockwise" and will also be one of the producers. I wonder what role she'll be playing? I thought she just basically played either herself or "Rachel" in every movie?

Keith Urban is His Own Songs


If only he had lost his trailer and someone stole his dog would Keith Urban really be living his music. Instead, we'll just have to settle for some good old-fashion "rehab." Keith has checked himself into a rehab facility on Friday for possibly either alcohol, drugs, or my personal favorite option; gambling. Ok, so it probably isn't that one, but wouldn't that make the story a little bit better!? His wife, Nicole "Forehead of Steal" Kidman has canceled some interviews, etc to stay by his side. Keith has told fans the following:

"One can never let one's guard down on recovery and I'm afraid that I have. With the strength and unwavering support I am blessed to have from my wife, family and friends, I am determined and resolved to a positive outcome."

Wishing Keith a speedy recovering, but remember the old saying, "Rehab is for Quitters."

Shiloh is the New Blanket


Uh, isn't it like 115 degrees in India? I may not have kids, but I don't think you're supposed to put a wool blanket over a baby when it's that hot outside. Ok I just checked my "Parenting for Dummies" book and it specifically said that you shouldn't do that. Oddly enough it also said that armed guards surrounding you and your baby while in India can do permanent psychological damage to a baby. Odd.

You would think that Angelina would know about how bad the heat is since she literally fainted while filming her new movie, "A Mighty Heart." In fact, it's reported that she fainted 3 times over the past few days and claimed it was the heat. Well, nothing cools you down quite like being wrapped in a nice warm blanket. Somewhere in the world right now Michael Jackson is hi-fiving his kids (oh, and also dressed like a woman).

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Getting To Know You!








So after a million emails and messages from many of you asking to learn more about me, I've decided to do up a quick post about yours truly. I don't know why people seem to interested about me, but I finally decided to bite the bullet and scare all of you with some pictures. I met up with a few of my friends last night for a drink or ten at a bar in Boston. They wanted to welcome me home after my top secret mission of adopting children and going through a major rehab program. What starts off as a slow night never really seems to end up that way. One person that I did want to point out is the crazy chick that I'm doing the ice-skating pose with. Hands down she is the funniest person I've ever met in my life and has been a great friend of mine since college and a kick-ass writing partner. Over the next few months she'll be stopping by the blog for some guest writing and other hijinks that we have planned for this little old blog.



Back to business....I'll be back to my regular posting schedule starting tomorrow morning. I hope all of you have been well and hopefully no more top secret missions for me. Getting to know me.....

Friday, October 20, 2006

I'll Be Back, I Will Be Back!


So my secret mission is almost coming to an end. I've adopted 12 children, got married, recorded a rap album, ran a marathon, reunited with Nicole Richie, raced an Olsen twin, polished Heather Mills wooden leg, and I'm now ready to return. I will leave you with these links for today, but will do a little posting over the weekend before things return back to normal on Monday. I know, I'm such a giver.

~ Kirsten Dunst Looks Like a Lesbien Comedien Cira 1982 ~ Yeeeah!

~ Donatella Versace Frightens Another Country ~ CelebritySmack

~ The Simpson Family Photo Album ~ MollyGood

~ After All of My Fraggle Rock References it Looks Like They'll Be Coming to the Big Screen ~ PopBytes

~ Nicole Richie Wants to Sing...Not Eat ~ HollyScoop

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Link For You, Link For Me


Ok, so even though I'm away on my top secret mission I got up at the crack of dawn to post some stuff for today. See how dedicated I am? It is Wednesday so you know what that means!? Harriet Carter Day! I hope to be able to do that at some point today, if not by the end of the week at the latest. I know, I know, deal with it. In the meantime, enjoy this additional information brought to you by "Goya."

~ Christina Loves a Little Piss ~ Yeeeah!
~ Does Katie Holmes Have Mom Ass? ~ MollyGood
~ Madonna Can Type ~ CelebritySmack
~ Suzanne Somers Looks 60 ~ CityRag
~ Omarosa's Store Bought New Boobs ~ PopBytes
~ Brittney Want to Hop on the Madonna Bandwagon...Again? ~ SpankCheeks

A Meeting of the Lollipop Head Guild!


We represent the lollipop head guild, the lollipop head guild, the lollipop head guild. And in the name of the Anorexia League...we wish to welcome you to binge and purge land! And...end scene.

Nicole Richie and friend/designer Rachel Zoe were all week and tired smiles at the "Charlotte Ronson Cocktail Party to Celebrate The Spring 2007 Collection." Yup, I officially don't know what more than half of that sentence means. Anyway, if this was People Magazine they would then circle Nicole's stomach in the above picture with the caption "Baby Bump?" She's probably just bloated from all the mints and sugar water.

Teri Hatcher Grabs Her Pussy


Cat! Her pussy cat! Wow get your mind out of the gutter people! Hmmm, could her nickname be Teri Snatcher? There's a good chance that that's what I'll be calling her from now on. I hope no one else already coined that name for her! Anyway, Teri Snatcher is on the set of Desperate Housewives with her new little cat friend and she's in a bathrobe. Pervert. Nothing to report here, I just wanted to go right for the easy smut joke. Good-bye.

Whitney Files for Divorce: Hell to the Yes


Wow this must be getting somewhat serious! Yesterday Whitney "Hell to the No" Houston filed officially for divorce from Bobby Brown. Whitney is also looking for custody of her daughter Bobbi Cristina, but will allow Bobby visitation rights. Speaking of Bobby Brown, looks like he will be allowed back in Massachusetts again since he just paid up his $11,000 in late child support. Too bad! I was really looking forward to come reward money when I found him in Boston and turned him into police. Why do bad things always happen to me!?

Who Said What to Who!?!

A Laguna Beach Coke Whore?


Uh-oh! And what do we have here? The rumors are flying that Nikki from Laguna Beach likes to dabble in a little coke. I mean this really could be anything. Anthrax even! You may recall that Nikki is the sister of Tyler who is now the ex-boyfriend of Kyndra. I remember the episode where Nikki was talking about having an allowance of $6,000 for shopping money for the week or month. Clearly she would have the extra cash for a little extra-curricular activities. You would also that $6,000 would be able to buy you a little something nicer than Coors Light. Don't get me wrong, I love Coors, but I'm poor. I like a little Stella every now and then when it's pay day, but enough about me.

Reese Kinda Seems Like a Douche


I'm sure I'm in the minority of people who seem to think that Reese Witherspoon kinda seems like a douche, but I do. Every time I see her on some award show or interview she always seems to have that "pissed off" look about her...kinda like she pretends she isn't any different because she's famous, but deep down she knows she's better than us? She's always like, "I'm a strong woman, blah blah blah." Now don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking strong women, just her. Reese always seems to be on a permanent soap box. I mean, didn't she get pregnant and then have to get married? Even though there isn't anything wrong with that, I'm just saying...

Reese was with her servant/husband Ryan Phillippe yesterday at the NYC premiere of his movie "Flag of Our Fathers." When Fox News sat down to interview Reese the other day about her new movie, "Rendition" it was mentioned that she was the lead woman in the movie to which Reese replied, "...where are all the real women in movies? Have you noticed they're just not there?" Oh please. What the hell is she talking about? Maybe she hasn't heard of a few women named Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Carmen Electra...? Oh wait, I get it now. Good point. Off your soapbox please!

Lindsay Lohan Dresses Like a Molester


It's official. Lindsay Lohan is in the official child molester uniform, right down to the molester socks and the diddler shoes. Ok, so the the dress isn't too molestery, but the socks and shoes are definitely official. She looks like she should be driving a 1985 Oldsmobile and going about 5 mph around a school playground. Pervert. I know I've said it before, but if you have money, dress like it. I don't care if you are running to grab a coffee at 3:45 in the morning, you should be dressed to the nines, if you're rich. If I was loaded and had to run out and didn't have anything good to wear I would just staple $100 dollar bills up and down my pants and shirt, just so people would know I had money. If Lindsay needs help with the staples all she has to do is let me know.

Moving on, Lindsay has recently said that she wants to be married by the time she's 30 and also have an Oscar by then as well. It must be nice to have dreams like that. Sometimes I dream that I win $5.00 on a scratch ticket or that it won't rain tomorrow. I guess Oprah was right when she said that we should dream big. You know what, Oprah, you're right. I will dream big. I dream that by the time I'm 30 I get to throw eggs at Lindsay at the Oscar's. Wow. It does feel good to dream big.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Celebrity Parent ControlOff Winner!


Congratulations Joe Jackson, you have been voted "The Most Controlling Celebrity Parent!" I mean the way you have controlled and messed up an entire family really should be applauded. Michael and Latoya alone should have won you the award, but then with the rest of the Jackson clan, you really were a shoe-in all along!
I wanted to say thanks to all of you for voting on this pointless, yet fun, contest. I literally got hundreds of emails and while it was a pain in the arse to keep track and tally up, it was overwhelming to see how many people wanted to say hello and vote. Who knew so many people were into this little old blog!? Thanks again, we should do this again soon. Yes, that is also how I end a bad date.

Future Travelinks


I know, I know dry your eyes. I will be off to another top secret mission over the next few days so I may not be able to post as much as before, although I will try my hardest. I will, however, make sure that I let you all know the winner of the Celebrity Parent ControlOff tonight. In the meantime, check out these links!

~ Lindsay and Keira are Getting Kinky ~ Yeeeah!

~ Vince Vaughn Suing The Sun..and The Moon Next! ~ I'm Not Obsessed

~ Perez Hilton is a Fat Sissy! Nice! ~ CelebritySmack

~ Peace Out CBGB ~ CityRag

~ Cox on Parade ~ PopBytes

~ Vintage Arnold ~ SpankCheeks

~ A Conversation Between Paris and Nicole ~ EvilBeet

Nicky Hilton and Kevin Connolly Kill It


Our dear friends at Us Weekly are claiming that Nicky Hilton and Kevin Connolly (from Entourage) have decided to kill their 2-year relationship. Rumor (not Willis) has it they Nicky dumped Kevin after the found out that he was unfaithful. It must be hard for them being in a relationship. I mean, he is working all the time on HBO's "Entourage" and Nicky has to go to, literally, hundreds of Fashion Week fashion shows a month. Who can find the time for a relationship? Well, if this news is true I'm packing up my crap and heading to Hollywood to bag me a hotel heiress, oh, and the millions of dollars. We'll have a joint checking account. What? That's totally 50/50!

Halle Berry Has Gas ish


These are perhaps some of my favorite photos that people take; the celebrities pumping gas. I never really care or think that they can't pump gas, I mean they weren't always famous. However, I do always wonder if they care about gas prices like the rest of us. I mean, we all lose our sh!t when gas prices drop like 10 cents and I bet it doesn't even phase them! Lucky bastards!

Halle wears a little bling (do the kids still say "bling?") while pumping gas for her car? Where the hell is her car? In the first photo it looks like she is about to pay, but her car is nowhere to be found. Maybe she's just paying for the next person? Perhaps the best part of all of this is Halle scratching her ass. Why is this the best part? Well because I have the mentality of a 12 year old.

Mischa's Dress Runs Away


Fall is in the air and it must be that time of year where the women of Hollywood decide to show a little nylon ass. Lindsay No Pants started this trend recently and now we see Mischa Barton jumping on the nylon ass bandwagon. I'm not really sure how it works, but wouldn't you be able to tell that your ass was hanging out? I figure it would make you cold. Mischa really tops off the outfit with some good old fashioned nylon rips. I mean, nothing says "sex pot" quite like that!

Who Shot That Ass?!?!