Thursday, December 28, 2006

ImBringingBloggingBack Goes to NYC


Similar to when The Brady Bunch went to Hawaii, I Love Lucy drove out to LA, and Who's the Boss went on that ski trip...ImBringingBloggingBack is going to NYC for a little New Years Eve fun-a-palooza-2006. We will not be in Time Square, as not being able to drink there is reason enough to pass on the festivities, but at a fun bar instead. Therefore and so on and so forth, I will be taking today off from my blogging duties and will return next week...2007 baby!

Thanks to all of you who continue to read this award-winning (award to be determined at later date) crap! It's amazing to me that in just the past 4 months tens-of-thousands of you have visited this little old site. As always, thanks for the support. I also got to talk with some great people and even make some other blogging friends. Please be sure to check out their kick-arse sites. Happy New Year and here is to me "making it big" in 2007! Wait, I can toast to myself, right?

And when all else fails, you can always watch the first ever IBBB Video Montage...Ode to Hariet Carter.


Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Harriet Carter: The Video Montage Palooza

So it's been a pretty slow news week with it being the holidays and all, but it is Harriet Carter Wednesday, so I figured what better way to celebrate the last Harriet Carter Wednesday of 2006 than a bit of a video montage of some of her best products. I get literally hundreds of emails each week (no joke) about my Harriet Carter posts, which means that they are even more popular than any Britney Spears crotch shot that has been posted here....go figure. A friend of mine strongly suggested that I do a video blog so you may now suffer through it. Let me give you a heads up on this video. It's a little worse than 70's extra low budget porn. No joke. But, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for my Harriet Carter or IBBB readers. Enjoy!




Check Out My YouTube Channel

Billionaires Can't Afford New Shoes


Why is it every time I spot an Olsen they/he/she always have on the same pair of shoes. I only notice them because they always scare me only because they look like they take up half of their body. Do you think the Olsen Sluts are trying to tell us something? I definitely think so. I think they are alerting us to the fact that 2007 will be the year of the "crack whore." I'm totally into it too. I mean, just because you have enough money to wipe out poverty in the United States doesn't mean you can't dress like a street walking crack whore. Mary Kate clearly bleached the ever loving piss out of her hair and is walking it around town with great pride. I actually think it looks good. Nah, just kidding, she looks like crap. She doesn't even look good enough to make it into Uncle Jesse's "Forever" video. Although, it would have totally been a step up from Nikki and Alex.

Jessica Biel Will Kick All Our Asses


Jessica Biel was caught vacationing in Hawaii for Christmas, and just like it says in the Bible, "Thou Shall Play Beach Paddle Ball During the Birth of our Savior Jesus Christ." Check the Bible, it totally says that. Jessica Biel can completely kick my ass, but don't get me wrong because she can kick your ass too. Actually, she can kick all of our asses. Look, I'm not saying that she needs to get Nicole Richie "stick-like" but Jessica is a little to muscular for my taste. Reverend Camden would have NEVER let her get guns like that (and not the other guns you're thinking of).

Fantasia Sweats Through Her Cameltoe


Yeah, so is this a Fantasia concert or her second set at Curves? Seriously look, you don't just randomly start sweating like that. Therefore, if you know that you're a "sweater" you may not one to wear a unitard onesie. That's right I said it. Unitard. Fantasia is totally sweating right through her cameltoe, which may be a first for celebrity cameltoe (Fergie pissing through her jeans comes in a close second). I would be even more nervous if she were to turn around. I certainly don't need to see Fantasia's sweaty skid marks. Yeah, I said it. Skid marks.

Gerald Ford Dies at 93


It's not a good week for life, as death seems to be winning out. Gerald Ford, who was our 38th President (yes I know more than just Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan mindless information), had suffered from pneumonia back in January of 2006 for 12 days and underwent two heart treatments in August has died at the age of 93, says his wife Betty Ford.

They say that deaths come in 3's (and by "they," I would assume that would be the Muppet's)and with James Brown dying just the other day we have one more to go. My thought is that since Saddam Hussein will be executed any day now (within the next 30 days) it may be him. That's right, I just got political on your ass.

RIP.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Jackson Moves In, Vegas Gets Creepier


Look out Stratosphere. Move to the left (to the left) Palms Hotel. There's a new attraction in Vegas, baby! (I can't say Vegas without the "baby," just not possible). Michael "the diddler" Jackson has moved all of his crazy crap into a new home he purchased in Vegas, baby! I guess Jackson is trying to strike up a deal to do a live show that some are comparing to Celine Dion's. Oh, and by "live show" I'm talking about "music" and not "diddling children."

It looks like Jackson may actually be set to make his comeback. Vegas (baby) entertainer Jeff Beacher has said to US Weekly, "He wants to make his comeback here...Jackson wants this to be his new Neverland."

Uh, yeah that's cool because the original Neverland ended up being so successful? I can't even imagine what this show will be like. Do you think that Jackson wants to relocate to Vegas (baby) because of that old saying, "What happens in Vegas (baby), stays in Vegas (baby)?" Someone should tell him that it doesn't apply to "diddling."

The Little Lohan That Could


Dear Ali Lohan (or as I like to call you, "Aloe"),

Honey, I'm going to need you to really focus on this open letter to you, ok? I'm going to need you to nod in agreement from time to time as you read this, ok? Good.

Aloe, you are at the very young age of 13. Already, you have made more money than I may see in my lifetime. You see, I am already jealous of you for this one reason alone (that, and you probably have taken a bath with Lindsay before....is it freckles all over? Even...down...there?). Moving on. Ok, so you have a Christmas album out right now. I think that is a good start. You definitely need to start out with that "holy" image as your sister probably will make many of us think bad things about you. I say this because you guys look very much alike and you have that same "nails on a chalkboard" voice.

So, here is where my concern comes in. You claim that you and Lindsay talk every day and Lindsay gives you tips on how to become a star. Look, don't listen. Oh yeah, and don't listen to your mom either. Is dad still in jail? If so, score one for you! I need you to listen to me, a perfect stranger, yet someone who is dead on. You need to be the "anti-Lindsay." That's right. You need to where pants and underpants at all times. You need to stay off the bottle. You need to stay the hell away from The Ivy. You need to just not drive. Ok, so you're only 13, but 16 is right around the corner. You need to just get a driver. You must never go anywhere with Paris Hilton or Britney Spears. Please also stay clear of Nicole Richie. You must eat. You must eat. Oh, and you must eat. You must sing songs that are fitting for a girl your age. Therefore, you must stay clear of anything that JoJo passes up, meaning that you must not have lyrics that deal with "how to touch a girl" and "come with me, stay the night." I said it before and I'll say it again, JoJo is the next "Lindsay Lohan in Waiting."

Following my instructions carefully can insure you some staying power in Hollywood and when everyone is over Lindsay No Pants, people will think that you are refreshing. Now, if after a few years your career isn't going exactly where you want it please make sure to abandon my instructions and just stick with whoring it up. But, please do it in moderation.No one likes a showoff. Best of luck!
Luke-Warm Regards,
Pasquale @ ImBringingBloggingBack

...In Other News...

~ Britney Pukes in Public....Only Because She Was Full Y'all! ~ Yeeeah!
~ Jennifer Love Hewitt Has a New Job ~ CelebritySmack
~ Saint Jennifer Lopez Does MTV Reality Dance Show....Boom Boom Cat! ~ PopBytes
~ Brooke Shields is too Big to Pick Up! ~ HollyScoop
~ The Best Paparazzi Phone in the World! ~ SpankCheeks
~ Miss Nevada Really Was Wholesome ~ EvilBeet

Amanda Wyatt & Keith Urban: Secret Skanks


Uh oh, it looks like Nicole Kidman may be getting the shiz-end of the stick again. First, she was almost locked up in a Scientologist prison/marriage to Tom Cruise and now it looks as if Keith Urban may have had an affair (or 10) even while Keith and Nicole were engaged.

It's strange that Amanda Wyatt (the model is has come out to tell this story) would want this type of publicity. Oh wait, it's a career move. Ok, sometimes I'm a little slow on the draw. Here's what Amanda Wyatt had told a UK newspaper (allegedly, allegedly, oh yeah and allegedly):
  1. Keith was boozing and drugging up a storm (perhaps he is responsible for El Nino?)
  2. She and Keith had unprotected sex while he and Nicole were dating (that's clean, whore)
  3. She was a Keith Urban groupie (classy)
  4. Urban was "reckless in bed" (where a helmet, skank)
  5. The two enjoyed bubble baths in his hot tub (thanks Mr. Bubble)

She sounds like a real class act. He sounds like a complete mess. The two sound perfect together. I'm really pulling for these two crazy kids. Similar to Ross and Rachel, I hope these two get together someday.

Look, I wouldn't toss her out of bed for getting animal cracker crumbs on the sheets, but...really? With her? She kinda has a bit of a snaggle tooth/teeth and in some shots she kinda looks like a man baby, yeah! I mean, if he was going to cheat he should have totally cheated up, not cheated down. Keith totally cheated down and I'm not really a big Nicole Kidman fan. Oh by the way, it totally came to me right after I saw these pictures of Amanda that I felt like I had seen her before....but where? But where? Then it hit me. Holy crap. Kyndra from Laguna Beach Season Three (minus the snaggle tooth/teeth). Yup, they totally look alike - just check out the pictures. I mean I don't want to toot my own horn, but "toot-toot." I am totally dead the F on every-single-time. Correct me if I'm wrong. Go 'head. I dare ya.

Who Whored Those Words!?! and Who Shot Amanda/Kyndra!?!

James Brown Doesn't Feel Good: RIP


Poor James Brown died at 73 years old on Christmas morning after suffering from pneumonia for a few days. James Brown had called a bunch of his friends from the hospital to let them know he was looking forward to performing this New Years Eve, but his heart stopped just a few hours later. James was instrumental in making soul music what it is today and I must admit I do a killer James Brow impression. Sad. Sad over the death. Sad over my James Brown dance impression.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas From ImBringingBloggingBack!



To all the ho-ho-ho's and faithful fans of ImBringingBloggingBack, we/I wanted to wish all of you (except 2) a fun, safe, and Merry Christmas and Merry Holiday! Please always keep in mind what this holiday is truly about......drinking the day away just to get through it. Oh, and it's Jesus' b-day too. I think Jesus' B-day CD would have sold a few more copies than Beyonce's if only He would have not released it over 2,000 years ago.

Anyway, as my Merry Christmas and Merry Holiday gift to all of you, please be sure to check back over the next few days as I will be posting my "Harriet Carter Best of 2006 Video Recap." Oh yes, my friends, I did say VIDEO. You will get to see yours truly with extremely ghetto special effects, etc counting down the top 4 Harriet Carter posts of the past 6 months. It will be riveting. Stay tuned!

Ho-Ho-Ho,
Pasquale Claus

Friday, December 22, 2006

...In Other News...

~ Miss Nevada Also a Whore ~ Yeeeah!
~ Lindsay No Pants Almost Stanky Putanky in the Wind ~ CelebritySmack
~ Annoying Celebrity Awards ~ PopBytes
~ Diddy Has Twins, Puffy and P ~ HollyScoop
~ Angelina Forgets Things ~ SpankCheeks
~ Naomi Watts Hates Romance ~ EvilBeet
~ Jake on a Bike ~ MollyGood
~ Gisele on a Mountain ~ Egotastic
~ Beyonce Set to Eat All of America's Christmas Dinners ~ DListed

Victoria Beckham is a Fatass

This photo was taken of Poshtoria just the other night as she was leaving Gordon Ramsay's restaurant. Obviously she ate a ton, fatass. I mean, look at her? All I see if fat, fat, fat. Seriously, she's like a stick, with boobs. She's boobs on a stick.

Speaking of boobs it looks like Poshtoria may be rockin' a bit of the ghost boobs. Good for her! What does make me a bit concerned is how she's wearing her pants all the way up to her boobs. One of my great-aunts wore her pants up to her boobs, but that was after she had her stroke. Do you think Poshtoria had a stroke?

In even more interesting news, online gambling website (PaddyPower.com) has released betting odds that Poshtoria and David Beckham will be one of the first celebrity couples to break up in 2007, with 6 to 1 odds. Come on cherry, cherry, cherry!

Britney Looks Good, World Implodes


Like I always say about the "greenhouse effect" the hotter the better and the same goes for Britney Spears. While I typically think she is a bit of a white-trashish tool, I like her much better when she looks hot and, I'm afraid to say, Britney looks good right now. Now, this could change literally within 45 minutes, but for this one specific period in time I am going on the record saying she looks good, hot even. I mean, her kids are still nowhere to be found, but I guess she needs to focus on one thing at a time. First, look good. Second, find children. I like how she has the same priorities as me.

Britney is seen here with Brian Friedman, the judge on "So You Think You Can Dance." These two Ernie and Bert mother f'ers have been seen around town a lot lately, meaning they are either friends, dating, or he's teaching her how to do the running-man. I don't think there are any other options then those. Yup, those are it.

Beverly Mitchell Sings, Why?


Ok so no one will care about this story at all except for 3 people I know, literally. I was laughing my ass off when I dug up this one. Beverly Mitchell, star of "7th Heaven," is set to release her own CD on January 23rd. Just in case you can't find it on the shelf that day please be sure to immediately check the clearance bin. Anyway, the reason I'm posting this is because besides Dianne Keaton, Beverly Mitchell is my arch nemesis. Now I hardly ever watch 7th Heaven, but the times I have it always made me so mad that the show tried to make her seem like she was wicked hot and all the guys wanted her. Clearly in real life, we know that is a big stretch. I truly never understood this. And, now that she's trying her hand at singing it really tops things off for me. I wonder if when she does her video she will have Ruthie dance "sexy" to Spirit in the Sky? Bonus points for anyone who knows what that means.

Mariah Carey: Christmas Cameltoe


It's really important that we remember the important things when it comes to the holiday season....you know, like Christmas Cameltoe. I'm sorry, that was wrong of me. I guess what I really meant to say was, "Holiday" cameltoe because cameltoe really doesn't belong to any one religion. That's the beauty of "the toe."

Mariah Carey is sporting some holiday cameltoe in the front and in the back, which I believe it a first in the cameltoe community. I'd also like to make mention of the toothless crackwhore just behind Mariah. I bet she's going right for Mariah's champagne. By the way, do you carry champagne with you outside when it's snowing? Maybe that's just what the rich and famous do. I've also kept my word on the cameltoe rating system called: ImBringingBloggingback Celebrity Cameltoe Rating System...to the Stars! This time, Mariah has been awarded 3 out of 4 camels. What an honor. While normally I would have given her just two camels, because of the ass cameltoe I had to add one camel to the mix. I hope I can one day in 2007 award Mariah 4 out of 4 camels.

So what else is going on with Mariah besides just front and back cameltoe? Funny you should ask. Mariah is now in the process of developing her own line of perfume. Now do you think the scent will be similar to "the toe?" Only time will tell. I hope she names it Glitter Toe. Rumors are also floating that Mariah is working on a book about her life titled "500 Hours" that talks about her time in beauty school. Uh, awesome? I can't wait for them to make it into a movie as I do not like books.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Marguerite Perrin: The Comeback Kid



Yes, my friends, the Lord does answer prayers. I hear a lot that people pray and pray and never have their prayers answered. My answer to those people? You are not praying for the right things. Health, love, money....nah that never works, but when you pray for mindless things, chances are the Lord will listen. After praying for 1 year solid, my prayers have been answered. Marguerite Perrin, from last years "Trading Spouses" will return for this season starting on January 19. I am literally beside myself with excitement.

Anyone who knows me, knows how obsessed I was with this crazy lady. I've yelled her many lines in many bars such as, "He's not a Christiaaaaaaaaan!" as well as other favorites like:


  1. They're dark-sided
  2. Everything's un-godly!
  3. It's tainted! I don't want nothing with tainted anything in beliefs doing anything to my family! Get out!
  4. Get the hell out of my house, in Jesus name I pray.

Clearly, you get the picture. I've been tossed out of bars for yelling these lines. I've used these lines in business meetings. In fact, I literally have a clip of her on my cell phone that I shared with people just days ago. Obsessed? Hell yes. I couldn't be any more happy about this. Of course, I will be reporting on this as soon as it airs. God bless you Marguerite, God bless.

...In Other News...

~ Celebrity Christmas Cards...Yes Christmas ~ CelebritySmack
~ LolliPop Boyle Gets Married ~ Yeeeah!
~ Kate Winslet Forgot Her Pants! ~ PopBytes
~ Britney Gets a White Trash Tattoo ~ HollyScoop
~ Hey Kids! Santa's in the Mob! ~ SpankCheeks
~ Did Britney Cheat Too...I Mean, "Also." ~ EvilBeet
~ Who's the News Homeless Celebrity? ~ MollyGood
~ Celebrity Drug Parties? Where's My Invite!? ~ CityRag
~ Golf is Waaaay Hot ~ Egotastic
~ The Jolie-Pitts Heart Cambodia. Um, Pretty? ~ JustJared

Rosie vs Donald: The Bad Hair Bitch Fight


Girls, Girls! Now don't make me have to separate the two of you! With all the hoopla (my favorite word) surrounding Miss USA and Donald Trump lately, Rosie O'Donnell decided to call Trump a "snake-oil salesman." OH SNAP! Wait a minute, what the hell is a snake-oil salesman. Uh, and Rosie? Shouldn't it be a "snake-oil salesperson?" I figured you would be the first to say that women can sell too.

Well, after the Trumpet heard this horrible insult (really?) he dialed up Multiple Persons Magazine and said that Rosie is "a women out of control" (The Apprentice on NBC). And also that he plans on suing over her statements that question is financial well-being (But not before next seasons The Apprentice on NBC). Rosie claimed that the Trumpet was bankrupt. So what else did the Trumpet have to say:

"You can't make false statements. Rosie will rue the words she said. I'll most likely sue her for making those false statements – and it'll be fun. Rosie's a loser. A real loser. I look forward to taking lots of money from my nice fat little Rosie."

Hahaha seriously the more I read that, the harder I laugh. Did he mean that to be funny because it actually was. The only thing that he was missing in that statement was, "The Apprentice on NBC." I love it all. If they could somehow settle this on Judge Judy, both my Tivo and I would be very happy.

Hey Kelis, I Don't Get It!?


Kelis was the host of Nas' Album release dinner the other night. If you don't know what that sentence meant you probably don't partake in the hip-hop world and that means you're probably a racist. Nice work. Now how good do you real about yourself?

Anyway, I am very confused by Kelis as a whole. Also, is that her natural hair color? I think the technical name for that color is "Gwen Stefani White." And where the hell does she keep putting her hand? Is that her hip? It looks a little high to me. I think she is more than likely grabbing her rib-cage. Finally, are those white traffic lines from the highway on her dress? She needs to be careful because a drunken Lindsay Lohan could go speeding up Robertson Blvd and mistake her dress for a continuation of the road and then ride right over her! Ok, you may think that it's a bit of a stretch, but my money is on Lohan. And by "money" I mean $2.14.

As a perfect transition...speaking of cars...Kelis is the new spokesperson for Ford's "Push it to the Edge" campaign. No clue what that means, but she'll probably get a car out of the deal. By the way, do people even say "spokesperson" anymore? I haven't heard that title since a 1988 episode of Star Search.

Tara Reid the New Carol Brady?


Ok so she was drunk and fell down the other day, but who didn't really? Tara Reid cleaned herself up for the other nights premiere of "Black Christmas" and she even got into famed club "Hyde" the same night! Wow, she's 2 for 2 at this point! You may remember that the last time Tara tried to get into Hyde she was not allowed past the front door. I do think they did let her peek through the door for about 5 minutes though. That's nice of them.

Tara is totally the new Carol Brady with both her behavior and apparently her look. Now the only difference is that I don't think Carol Brady went on 15 different talk shows to discuss her bad boob job and faulty liposuction, but I mean we're really just splitting hairs at this point anyway.

Tara isn't out of the woods yet though. She'll be giving an "appearance" at the Marriott Hotel in Chicago for New Years Eve. Wait, I think I seriously have better plans than her for New Years. Pasquale 1, Tara Reid 1. I'll figure out a way to beat her yet!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Mandy Moore is Trying to Save Your Life


I mean she's not trying to save your life by becoming a doctor or anything, but she is trying to protect the environment by purchasing a Toyota Prius, which in turn could mean cleaner air, which in turn could mean less issues with your breathing/lungs, which in turn could mean a longer life for you. See, she really is helping. Sure that was a stretch, but there isn't always a lot to say about Mandy Moore. How do we get to say more about Mandy Moore? Ok now, say it with me...all together now: "Become a drunken whore like Britney Spears." See? We have learned a lot from this blog.

Mandy is a good kid. You look at her and say two things (1) She's hot and (b) She's a good kid. So, what's new with Mandy Moore? Well funny you should ask. She's been recently recording her new album in CA that may be called "Wild Hope" (I was pushing for "Wild Ho") which is set to be released at some point in 2007. Mandy has also recently said:

"It's been seven or eight years since I signed a record deal and it's been that long to make this record. I feel like I knew pretty early on, even if I wasn't listening to the Joni Mitchell's of the world back in '99, 2000, I knew this was something I wanted to eventually reach."


Oh, she seems like a good kid. Seriously, I'm finding it hard to think of something to knock her for. What is happening to me? Must shut down.

Beyonce, Sluts Wear Red

I said it about Oprah and I'll say it about Beyonce: Sluts Wear Red. It's a fact. Check your fact book and you'll see it there. Look at the second photo, she's even touching herself in public like a pervert...or a slut. See? I'm rarely wrong. Funny story, I get more hate mail from people when I tee-off on her than any other celebrity I write about. Clearly she has very committed fans...or fans who should be committed. Sometimes I mix up the two.

Moving right the hell along, Beyonce was wearing "street walking red" coming out of David Letterman last night. As a side note, Beyonce was just named "best dressed in Hollywood 2006" by Life and Style Magazine. Now I thought you could only win "best dressed" in high school, but clearly that title can be carried through to other times in your life as well. Can I win "best dressed blogger of 2006?" Can someone create an award for that and than nominate me and then choose me as the winner? Thanks. Congratulations on your award, Beyonce. I'm sure it feels better than if you were to win the Oscar.

Who Shot Red!?!

....In Other News...

~ Kelly Clarkson is a Fat Rebel ~ Yeeeah!
~ Nelly Furtado is Solid Gold! ~ PopBytes
~ Will Perez Win or Lose? I Kinda Think Spicy Thinks Lose! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Festivus is On Baby, Yeah! ~ SpankCheeks
~ Eminem is Back on the Market and at 75% Off ~ HollyScoop
~ Is it Lohan Who is Never Invited Back to Oprah?? ~ EvilBeet
~ Is Adam Brody Homeless? ~ MollyGood
~ Paris Asks Britney For Marriage Tips ~ Egotastic

A Very Special Harriet Carter Christmas

Christmas is right around the corner which means two things: (1) Little baby Jesus was born and (2) It's the ImBringingBloggingBack: A Very Special Harriet Carter Christmas The Wednesday Before Christmas. Long title? Long laughs. Let's take a look at special Harriet Carter Christmas crap and even some of her Christmas gifts. No joke, she is recommending some of this stuff for Christmas. God bless that crazy little minx. Let's go!

Photo # 1 - "Hey kids! Ready to decorate the house for Christmas? Ok kids, then go down into the basement and bring me up our Christmas sticks." Yes sticks. Think of all the joy you will bring to your children's lives when they place these actual sticks that light up all around the house. I mean seriously? Come on! Why not just put some lights on a role of paper towels and call it day? Santa is going to be psyched when he drags his fat ass down the chimney and sees how you've decorated your house with dead wood that lights up. Thanks for taking the easy way out, Harriet you lazy skank.

Photo # 2 - Does the beautiful smell of a a Christmas tree make you and your family sick to their stomachs? Do you hate nature? Do you despise things that are real? Well you may not be the norm, but Harriet Carter has you covered this holiday season! You no longer have to worry about having a real tree in the house when you can simply just "raise up" your fake tree that kinda looks like a cross between pipe cleaners and the fake grass that you put underneath a train set. And better yet it already comes with lights attached to it! Nothing says, "Sorry kids, daddy got laid off this year and not only will there be no gifts under the tree, but there really isn't a tree either" quite like this contraption. That's what it is, really, a contraption. "Honey, can you go an get the Christmas tree contraption? I need to set up the tree contraption!" Again, don't be surprised if you find that Santa shit all over your living room once he sees this kind of disrespect. Oh, and make sure you have a hose in the house because it looks like this tree contraption will burst into complete and total flames in under 14 seconds. Thanks Harriet, but only you can prevent forest fires. Whore.

Photo # 3 - (Repeat) Are you struggling to tell your kids that grandma is dead this year? I know, but don't spoil the surprise by just walking up to their bedroom and telling them. Wait until Christmas and fill in the whole family with this stylish and descriptive Christmas Tree ornament. In case you can't read what is says (even though you already clicked on the photo) let me fill you in. It says, "I Love You All Dearly, Now Don't Shed a Tear, I'm Spending My Christmas with Jesus This Year." Ohhhh, isn't that sweet. Just imagine the precious look on your children's faces when they scurry down the stairs on Christmas morning and race towards their gifts. You interrupt by saying, "Oh Jenny and Davey before you open those gifts look at the little note that grandma left for you. It's over there on the tree." The kids will really appreciate grandma taking the time to write them all the way from Heaven and the smiles will last all morning even after they open their Tickle Me Elmo. Thanks Harriet Carter for literally bringing Christmas to its knees!

Photo # 4 - Let's remember, Christmas is also about the season of giving. So what does Harriet have up her sleeve for this gift giving season? Ladies, did you ever want to dip your stanky putanky in chocolate? Gentlemen, have you have wanted to place your junk in dark chocolate? Well you're in luck because now you can have your naughty bits wrapped in chocolaty goodness thanks to Harriet Carter's Chocolate Thong. Just picturing Harriet in her chocolate thong did make me throw up in my mouth a little......oooops there it is again. Ok, I'm back. If we look at these thongs it actually says on the thong for the dude, "I have a heart on for you," and for the ladies the thong says, "Eat your heart out." Just think about how sexy that's going to be once things start to heat up in the bedroom. Nothing is hotter to see on a chick than melted chocolate around her ass. "Honey, is that melted chocolate or have you just shit yourself?" Hot, I know! I realllly like it to look like actual crap all over her body. What would happen if an old lady wore this? Do you think the chances are greater that it actually is shit on her ass? Yes, I age discriminate. Thanks Harriet for slutting up the holidays like never before!

Photo # 5 - Who wants send grandma into cardiac arrest? If your kids are yelling, "I do! I do!" then this is the perfect gift to give grandma. Simply place her gift card (I'd assume to the Harriet Carter store) into this plastic-locked maze and just sit back and watch grandma lose her mind while she tries to figure this puzzle out. Considering grandma typically answers the door when the phone rings, this should be a real hoot to watch. If you wanted to really get creative, simply replace the gift card with her heart medication and see how determined she is to crack the code. Oh, and with the arthritis she suffers from the laughs will be endless this holiday season. Please make sure to check her pulse and immediately dial 911 when grandma says she smells burnt toast and then falls out of her chair. Thanks again Harriet for making plastic even more fun than we could have ever imagined!

Well, ho-ho-ho that concludes another Harriet Carter segment, yet the first annual Harriet Carter "ImBringingBloggingBack: A Very Special Harriet Carter Christmas The Wednesday Before Christmas." I hope you have as ghetto a Harriet Carter Christmas as you can. Make her and me proud!!!

Christian Slater: Sorta Banging His Mom


Christian Slater and Sharon Stone have confirmed sick rumors that they are dating. They'll also spend this Christmas together. Did I mention that Sharon Stone is 48? Did I mention that Christian Slater is 37? Did I mention that I threw up a little in my mouth?

Oh, and a random source has been quoted saying, "They're both really happy - but they don't have long-term expectations. It's a fun fling for the holidays and Sharon is a good influence. She rarely drinks and has three kids. It's a good match for now."

And End Scene!

Seriously? There is so much wrong with that statement. First off, not having long term expectations basically says they're in it just for the banging rights. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but does Christian Slater know that he's still famous? Does he know he should be working in the 18-21 year old category? Does he know that the 48 year old category is only for him once he turns 75? Next up, saying that Sharon is a good influence because she rarely drinks and has three kids is a little crazy to me! The fact that a girl doesn't drink immediately bores me and only makes it that much worse that she is a sober mother of three. Yeah, that sounds like a wild time!

How Tara Connor, Miss USA, REALLY F'd Up


As you know by now, Miss USA was not fired by Donald Trump. I'm still a little in shock that there was an actual press conference about all of this, but I guess I have seen crazier things before. I now present you my short open letter to Tara Connor, Miss USA:
Dear Tara Connor aka Miss USA,

You really messed things up and I'm a little disappointed in you. Underage drinking? Rehab? Sexual escapades? I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that you didn't talk these things up more! The biggest mistake, career wise, that you could have done was apologize for this behavior. And seriously, rehab? Uh, doesn't everyone drink before they turn 21? Aren't you just basically building up your tolerance level for your 21st birthday when you're starting at 16?

Let's face it, the title Miss USA kinda sucks. I mean, it's a good title, but seriously what are you going to do with it now? Let's look and see who's all over the news, magazines, websites, etc. That would be Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, etc. These people should be role models for you. Get the message? No one likes a good girl. Clearly, drunken trash is the way to go. Ok, so as Miss USA you can be on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens, but a drunken, bisexual, coke-head FIRED Miss USA gets the cover of US Weekly, People, Entertainment Weekly, and endless talk show appearances. Not to mention you could have been a shoe in for the next season of Dancing with the Stars.

So, as you can see, I'm disappointed in you. Your best bet would have been to show up at your press conference completely shit-house, wreaking of tequila, and swearing into the microphone. Bonus points if you attempt to pull off the Donald's wig.

In conclusion, I hope you make better decisions for yourself in the future. Have a couple drinks, make out with Paris Hilton, show off a little of the stanky putanky, THEN go to rehab. Ride the wave baby because we're already starting to forget about you.

See Jesus in Everyone,
Pasquale (Career Advisor to the Stars!)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Tootie is With Child, Mrs Garrett Pissed


Ohhhhh I knew that living in roller skates could only lead to troubled times! Tootie...er...I mean Kim Fields is "with child" and couldn't be happier about it. Star of "The Fact's of Life" (well, Blair was the real star, but for purposes of this story we'll say that Tootie was the star) expects her first child in May 2007 with boyfriend Christopher Morgan. That's right, boyfriend...not husband. Mrs. Garrett must be pissed! I mean, after all the time that she spent with those girls trying to teach them right from wrong and Tootie goes and pulls this type of shenanigan!? She has some nerve I tell ya, some nerve!

So here's how it went down. Tootie and her boyfriend were on the subway and her boyfriend was all, "Tootie let's start a family" and Tootie was all, "Uh ok, but I should check with Mrs. Garrett" and her boyfriend was all "well if Jo Polacheck gets to have a motorcycle then you, Tootie, should be allowed to have a kid." Ok, so it went down a little different than that, but the did decide to start a family while on the subway.

To read more from this breaking news story, click right the F here

A Link Break, Because I Said So!

~ Lindsay No Pants Strips While Looking Like a Fortune Teller ~ Yeeeah!
~ First Annual Bloggers Choice Awards and I Made the Cut! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Nicole Kidman Does Nice Things Before Christmas...What's That Like?? ~ HollyScoop
~ Wait, Poshtoria IS an Alien! ~ PopBytes
~ Vincent Gallo, a Bit Crazy ~ SpankCheeks
~ Nicole Richie Buys Food...But Does She Eat It? ~ MollyGood
~ The Lakers Crowd Does Not Heart Britney Spears ~ EvilBeet

Mary Kate: Carpet and Drapes Don't Match


I don't need to see a typical "Britney Spears Getting Out of the Car Stanky Putanky Slip" to know that the carpet does NOT match the drapes for Mary Kate Olsen. Even though wonders can be done with the magic of "dye," to "dye" anything that blonde could potentially make you not able to have children due to a burnt off Stanky Putanky. I may not be a doctor (even though I am), but I think that can happen. It is amazing to see Mary Kate in what I can only imagine is a "fright wig" that she pulled out of the clearance bin at Walgreen's for $2.99. She is now officially in the entire uniform for a typical American street-walker. I'm not sure if prostitutes wear different uniforms overseas, but this is the latest and greatest in American hooker-wear.

I only wish I didn't waste my "$2.00 sucky sucky" on my Britney Spears post yesterday because it would have been much better suited on Mary Kate's blog post today. Doh! If only my time machine was ready.

Martha Stewart: Prison, Bitches, & Stern


According to a recent Martha Stewart interview on the Howard Stern show, Martha talked about the many women she had lunch with in prison, who had mustaches and beards, that all had business plans. Wow! Prison seems like a real hoot! Here's more of the interview:


Martha Stewart: "I don't have a lot of offers to go out on dates."
Howard Stern: "I thought there was a point you wanted me."
Martha: "I did...but then I met you."

On her brief courtship with Sir Anthony Hopkins:

Martha: "I wish more men would ask me out, actually."
Howard: "Men are afraid of you."
Martha: "I know, that's the whole problem."
Howard: "Sir Anthony Hopkins...you dated."
Martha: "Oh, I loved him, but he was...scary. I was going to invite him up to Maine, I have this beautiful home in Maine…but then I revisited because I saw that movie again, [Silence of the Lambs]. I couldn't get past the Hannibal thing with him. I couldn't get past it – do you want someone eating your brain while you are sitting in your beautiful dining room in Maine?"
Howard: "What you bring up is true because I had Linda Blair when she was very young on my show, it was after The Exorcist and she was kind of coming on to me, and I was like 'That's the chick who's possessed.'"
Martha: "I would have probably had a very nice relationship with Anthony Hopkins but I couldn't get past the Lecter thing."

On her fellow prison inmates asking for dates and business advice:
Martha: "I managed to find a group of women there who were intelligent, had a lot of talk about."
Howard: "Who came on to you?"
Martha: "Some girls that looked like boys."
Howard: "What would they say to you?"
Martha: "They would ask me for lunch, a lunch date. They also wanted to learn. I'd have lunch with them. There were girls with mustaches and there were girls with beards. First they'd ask about business. They all had business plans. Everybody in prison has a business plan."

End scene and fade to black.

Fred, Barney, Yogi, Tom & Jerry Are Dead


Sorry kids, don't mean to crush your dreams but all of your favorite cartoon characters are dead. It is sad to report that Joe Barbera (the successful half of famed cartoon creators Hanna-Barbera) has died at his home of natural causes at the age of 95.

Hanna-Barbera also created the Jetsons, Scooby-Doo, The Flinstones, and many more. I had to double check that he didn't create Guy Smiley because if he did I would actually be in tears right now. For those of you who frequent my Myspace page, you will know that Guy Smiley is my career hero. I always wanted to be like him. I chase the "Guy Smiley dream." Luckily, Guy Smiley is still alive and kicking.

Is it in poor taste that I feel that I reference a Harriet Carter death stone? I'm doing it anyway. I'm doing it for the kids after all.

"If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again (ah-gain)." ~ Harriet Carter

Sometimes I go on a crazy tangent. R.I.P Joe Barbera. R.I.P.

Whitney Houston: Celebrity Big Brother?


Sometimes I say prayers for my family and my friends. Sometimes I say prayers for health, love, and happiness. When that's over I sometimes pray for really useless things. For example, I pray that it is true that Whitney Houston may be in talks to join Celebrity Big Brother.

It is reported that the big-wigs at Big Brother are thinking that Whitney will boost ratings due to her troubling past recent split from Bobby Brown. I can't even imagine what this would be like. For sure, I would watch. However I do have some requirements. First, Whitney must go back to either some type of drug or drinking. I refuse to watch her totally sober. I mean, I'm not an animal. Second, Whitney must be visited at least twice by Bobby Brown from the Big Brother house. And Eighth, Whitney must must must not be allowed to have a hair or makeup team with her. This is exactly how I like my Whitney Houston.

So who else may join the cast? Well they are being pretty tight lipped about it, but rumor has it that Kevin Federline is in talks to join the cast as well. OJ Simpson was in talks, but after the backlash of his book talks are off the table. Well at least we know nobody will be killed! See? I always tend to look o the bright side.

By the way, there is no way that this story can be true. Whitey is working with Akon on her comeback album, which is supposed to be pretty upbeat since she's been so down for a while. But if it is true....if it is true...I will make it my job to report strictly on this show. In the delicate words of Whitney, "Kiss My Ass!"

Janet Jackson Hearts Photoshop


Ms. Jackson if you're nasty Janet Jackson (that's a wicked long name) will be gracing the cover of Bazaar this January. While this isn't breaking news it really got me to thinking. Janet is totally a part of the "Oprah Cover Phenomenon," meaning that she has been photoshopped the piss out of. That's actually the literal definition:

Oprah Cover Phenomenon: (verb) to have been photoshopped the piss out of.

Yup, check your dictionary...it's in there, unless you have one of those old-fashioned dictionaries. Moving on, Janet is also on sale in 2007. Well not her, exactly, but her calender. You can check out Janet with boobs to the wind January - December. God bless the new year.

Why I'd Date Jaime Lynn Sigler


Why I'd Date Jaime Lynn Sigler
By Pasquale @ ImBringingBloggingBack

There are many reasons why I'd date Jaime-Lynn Sigler beyond just wanting to know how the Soprano's will end even before the final season airs. There are many reasons why I'd date Jaime-Lynn Sigler beyond just the pretty face, hot body, and sex boots (even though that does help). There are many reasons why I'd date Jaime-Lynn Sigler beyond just her happy look in photo 1, relaxed look in photo 2, and pissed off look in photo 3 (as I do like a bit of a high-maintenance bitchy attitude). There are many reasons why I'd date Jaime-Lynn Sigler and I can only tell you once the restrictions are lifted on the restraining order. Do you think she likes me? Can someone ask her? Print out this blog post and pass it to her in homeroom.

J-L-S was stopping by the 1 year anniversary party of Pacha. Yeah I had no idea what Pacha was so I used the trusty InterWebs to research it. Pacha is the newest branch of international club franchise called Pacha. Diddy did a little impromptu show there in April. Does that mean he shot someone? I'm not down with the lingo.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Britney: Two Dollar Sucky Sucky


Nothing says, "Happy Birthday Mom!" quite like a stroke. Britney was helping to celebrate her mom's birthday and by "helping to celebrate" I really mean "dressing like a complete whore." The last time I saw an outfit like this was actually two times: (1) In the Paula Abdul video, Cold Hearted Snake - except with a black bra and (2) While walking up the strip in Vegas - but it was worn by actual street walking prostitutes.

And the Mother of the Year award goes to.....Britney Spears!

Britney: "Thanks y'all! I'd really gonna be havin' to thank my boobs and ass for this award because, y'all, none of these pictures would be here without them. I'd also like to thank my kids, y'all. You know, "what's his name" and "the new one." Yeah, them. If you've seen them by the way let me know where they're at y'all, ok? Tell DSS I'll be home soon, just as soon as I finish my drink y'all."

Yeah that's kinda what I think she would say. Anyway, way to whore it up Britney! I know I give you a hard time, but you really are a great role model.....for new prostitutes. They really need someone to look up to and I think you are the Mother Teresa of the streets!

Daily Links: God Bless


Every NBA Game Should Be Like This


Basketball is my favorite sport to play, yet least favorite to watch. Maybe because the Celtics have sucked for a while (although at the time of me writing this I believe we are in first place). Regardless, if we could see more fighting like this, I'd watch more...for sure.

As if you haven't heard yet, there was a brawl on Sat night between the Nuggets and the Knicks. I mean, any time someone can brawl it out with a New York team, I'm pleased. Anyway, Carmelo Anthony and about 10 other players were tossed out of the game for the fight. Boooo! I say keep them in and give them some type of weapon. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean a gun or knife, more like boxing gloves, or those big foam sticks that they use to use on American Gladiators (great show of yesteryear, by the way). If I could choose one weapon to bring to the b-ball court it would definitely be, hands down, the metal chain with a metal ball at the end that has spikes sticking out of it...similar to what they use to use during medieval times.

Anyway, what a great game! Sure they'll be fined until the cows come home, but very entertaining nonetheless.

Beyonce Suffered Depression & Is Skitzo


Sometimes I feel really bad for celebrities. I mean, they're very rich, loved by millions, and can get basically anything they want. Who can live like that? In this Sunday's Parade Magazine, Beyonce talked about how she was depressed when she was 18 and two of the members of Destiny's Child were booted/left the group. Poor Beyonce stayed in bed all the time (probably counting her millions). Beyonce also struggled with discovering if people really loved her for "her." Let me answer that for you Beyonce. "No." They don't. Well, it's not that nobody loves you for you, but most people are probably a bit more into you due to your fame and fortune. I know I would be.

The Beyonce Machine also continued to talk about, what seems like her favorite subject, her alter ego/2nd personality. This alter ego is known as "Sasha." Yup. Here is a bit of a recap from that article on Beyshasha or as I like to now call her, Sashonce.

"That person on stage isn't me. I become someone else when I'm on stage. I call that stage persona 'Shasha.' I keep her onstage and keep me, Beyonce, off stage. I wouldn't like Sasha if I met her off-stage. Oh, no! She's too aggressive, too strong, too sassy, too sexy. I'm not her in real life at all."

Sashonce, when asked about marriage, continued, "My parents have been married for 27 years, and they're still in love. That's a great example for me. I know it's possible."

Oh that's sweet Sashonce, but screw me if I'm wrong...didn't your parents separate for a little while and live in different houses? Sure, it's love, but once the money started pouring in I think that really helped push them back together. Ok, that was a low blow.

I'd like to get back to "Sasha" and your alter ego. Bey-Bey, that's actually a mental disorder. Turn on any trash talk show and you'll see that these same people are on them talking about the same issues. The only difference is that you're getting paid millions, while these other folks are mostly on welfare. It's not an "alter ego" it's more of issue that can be treated with proper medication such as Paxil, Wellbutrin, etc. Let me ask you something Bey-Bey. Does "Sasha" ever talk to you? Stalk you? Threaten you over Sunday dinner? If you answered yes to any of these options please seek treatment immediately.
P.S., Clearly my "scanning" skills are almost as good as my "photoshopping" skills...almost.

Trump to Miss USA: To the Left, To the Left!


All of a sudden a little "coke" is a bad thing? Apparently Donald Trump thinks so and after it's been reported that current Miss USA, Tara Connor, has tested positive for cocaine and has been sneaking dudes into her Trump apartment, which I guess is frowned upon.

TMZ has reported that the doorman for the Trump building as said that, "She does not live here anymore...and is not allowed on Trump property." He also didn't think that this was her choice. Uh yeah, Mr Doorman? I kinda think you will be fired next for blabbing to the paparazzi. Anyway, she should be "decrowned" soon...very soon.

Here's the way that I think it went down and what Donald Trump said to Miss USA:

To the left, to the left,
Everything you own and your box to the left.
In the closet that's my rug,
Yes if I bought it, Miss USA please don't touch.
And keep snorting that coke, that's fine,
But could you snort and walk at the same time,
And it's my name that's on this pad,
So remove your bags, let me call you cab (sponsored by Yahoo!)
You must not know 'bout me, you must not know 'bout me,
The Apprentice on NBC.

Clearly, not as funny as my live Donald Trump impression, but you get the point.

Justin Guarini the New Jennifer Grey?



My sister loves "before and after" pictures of people on crystal meth (awesome!). I love "before and after" pictures of celebrities who change just one thing about themselves and then look like a completely different person....not just a little different, but insanely different. Looks like I hit the jackpot again as Justin Guarini ditched his "Sideshow Bob" haircut or even his "Rhea Perlman Updo" for a straightened, almost Michael Jackson, hairdo. Similar to "jumping the shark" I'm going to start calling this one "Hopping the Jennifer Grey." You all remember how Jennifer Grey got an innocent nose job and ended up looking totally different? You do, don't you? Don't make me come over there!

Justin is on the set of upcoming film "Fast Girl" which should promise to be not as good as, "From Justin to Kelly." So what else is going on with Justin Guarini? Good question. Well, he is turning down jobs left and right (good move). When interviewed by my future employer MTV, Justin told them that it's ok to say "no." Not to drugs or anything, but to work. Justin continues:

"I got offered reality shows, do this, do that, left and right. That's not the kind of entertainer I feel that I am. If other people chose that for themselves, good for them, but for me I really wanted to make sure that what I did spoke from my heart."

Let me give you some advice, my friend. Take EVERYTHING and bank every last dollar because it's going to be over soon, real soon. In fact, it already really ended for you. Take those reality shows and here's why. Do a bad reality show and move your status up to "d-level." From there, spend time at Hyde in LA and wait there, just wait there, because eventually Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and/or the Olsen Sluts will show up. Then, buy them some drinks, become friends, ask one of them out (or ask all of them out as your chances aren't so great). Fast forward 3-months to a drunken Las Vegas wedding and guess what? You will now be entitled to 50% of their earnings. Divorce. Take the alimony and additional settlement money and retire. If you really wanted to up you cash flow, please make sure to record a sex video with your new Hollywood wife. This will really come in handy if the divorce settlement doesn't add up. Act now, thank me later.

Bridget Moynahan Really Was Dead Weight


So last week I broke the news that Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan broke up. I also figured that the Patriots were losing because of her. Mature, I know. Anyway, I'm convinced more than ever that Bridget really was bad luck....or as cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch called it, "a jinks." She totally was a jinks because the Patriots kicked ass yesterday against the Texans (40 - 7). Yeah, that's how we do it. Seriously, Bridget better hit the bricks for a while or at least until after the playoffs/super bowl.

So, in order to ward of the evil spirit of Bridget Moynahan against the Patriots I have paired her up with cousin Oliver. Hopefully that will do the trick.

Selma Blair Gets Little Boys Regular


Selma Blair has clearly stolen half of my dads comb-over and half of my godson's little boys regular haircut. The more I look at it the more I am puzzled. What's the point of that haircut? Wait a minute, didn't Rosie O'Donnell have that first? Clearly she has stolen this idea from my dad, godson, and Rosie O'Donnell. Be ashamed of yourself Selma, be ashamed.

IBBB: A Fan


Am I an attention whore? Perhaps a bit. However this was the first time that someone recognized me from ImBringingBloggingBack. Go figure!? Ok sure it was local to Boston, but maybe that's just the beginning? From here I plan on tackling Nebraska...and then going as far as California. But I'm definitely stopping there.

Kelly, a fan of IBBB, is med student here in Boston and catches up on my random ramblings between studying....and drinking. Good for her! I always say that a drunk doctor is a better doctor. Anyway, since she requested a picture how could I say no? She didn't think I would add it to IBBB. Clearly I have. Enjoy Kelly. Now go and save some lives. Also, thanks for teaching me about concussions.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Britney's Ghost Boobs Go XMAS Shopping



Here comes ghost boobs, here comes ghost boobs right down trailer park lane.....

Britney is on the hunt for some Christmas gifts in Beverly Hills (that's only where I shop too), but it looks like Santa Claus already brought Britney one gift already....a bra! Who knew Santa's elves made bras in the North Pole!? Maybe she should ask for a little tummy tuck this year too. Yeah, that's right I went there. I don't care that she just had a kid. I don't think it's baby fat either. I think it's martini fat from all the partying she's been doing. Actually, I shouldn't be talking crap about Britney because I don't want Mary J Blige to kick my ass. Here's what Mary J had to say about Britney's wild ways, and by "wild" I really mean "whorish."

"I know that at some point in our lives we've had a situation like Britney's, meaning that we all were with someone we thought loved us and actually didnt. We make mistakes. I am looking at Britney as a human being just like myself. I messed up big time in my life. I love Britney and I send out all of my prayers and all great energy to her because she's young and she is going through it. She is going to get through. She is going to come out on the other side real nice I think."

Well said Mary J. Way to may it all about you!