Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Gets a Rehab Roommate!

Sure rehab can get a little boring ever now and then, I'm sure for Lindsay too. They say that it's the people that can also make your rehab experience great and worthwhile. Well, guess who's checked into Lindsay Lohan's rehab facility? That's right folks, Mike Tyson! Oh this should be good. Mike Tyson checked himself into Wonderland just a few days ago for drug and alcohol addiction. In mid December, Tyson was arrested in Arizona on suspicion of drunk-driving and felony drug possession (the best type of drug possession, in my humble opinion). Tyson admitted during the arrest that he was a drug addict and had a problem. No word if Tyson also admitted that we was also certifiably insane.
I hope that Mike Tyson and Lindsay become rehab roommates and have bunk beds. Seriously, I would love to be a fly on the wall at this place. Who am I kidding, that place looks great. I'd love to just be there! If there is a God, someone is filming these rehab events and turning them into a reality show. It could be called something catchy like, "TKO and Freckle." Just go with it.

Screech Wants To "F" Kimberly Locke, Why?

In today's "Wait, Is This Not a Joke?" News, TMZ has reported that on the set of VH1's Celebrity Fit Club, Screech (Dustin Diamond) from Saved by the Bell has allegedly said that he wants to "make a dildo of my c*ck and f*ck Kimberly Locke with it." For those of you who forget, Kimberly Locke was on American Idol. Uh, didn't Kimberly get F'd enough twice a week when she performed on American Idol? After Screech said this on the set, Kimberly stormed off the stage (well probably not "stormed" since she is a little heavy, but she probably did walk sorta fast....then took a break, downed some water, and then continued to walk sorta fast again). The rest of the cast, Tiffany (80's pop), Warren G, and Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) also stormed off the set. Producers are no longer, for the time being, allowing Screech to talk with or be near the rest of the cast.

Seriously? What do you do when Screech threatens you? Think. Think. What would Lisa Turtle do (WWLTD)?

Tyra's Before and After is the Same, No?

I love Tyra, but let's face it, no one loves Tyra more than Tyra. After some unflattering pictures appeared of Tyra in a brown one-piece (aka: grandma's) bathing suit Tyra did what she does best. She made her show all about her favorite topic, "Tyra." As you can see from this short clip on YouTube (that actually was provide by Tyra...go figure) she basically looks the same as the picture in the background, but perhaps with more of a hint of the cameltoe. It's not too obvious, but I definitely say that Tyra is a "cameltoe in waiting." My favorite part of this clip is Tyra making the sounds of the paparazzi cameras going "click click click click click." Um, they don't make those noises, Tyra. They make more of a noise that sounds like, "chook, choock, choock, choock, choock." Jeeze, Tyra is such an amateur at camera noises.
In the second clip, brought to you by Tyra, Tyra reads quotes from what people have said about her. She is so brave. I won't lie, I was hoping deep down that one of my quotes made the cut, but they didn't. Oh well, back to the drawing board :(

Saint Harriet Carter Wednesday

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday all you sick-son-of-a-bitches! Let's face it, every day is really Harriet Carter Wednesday! I also want you to know that I have a new goal. Sure I want to guest-host The Soup on E!, and write for The Family Guy, and do a little something with MTV, but I am adding my newest and most important goal. I want to model some type of product in the Harriet Carter catalog. No joke. So, Harriet if you are out there and reading this hook me up. I'll make you proud.
Product # 1 - Grandma really meant a lot to us while she was alive for those 110 years, but let's call a spade a spade. Grandma just died and I ain't spending half of my 401K to bury the bitch. I just really wish there was some type of plastic cross that I would stick in the ground in my backyard where I just buried Grandma. Oh wait, there is? Of course there is with Harriet Carter! Don't bother with the tombstone and the cemetery, just toss Grandma right there in the yard (behind the pool), write her name on the cross with a Sharpie, and hammer this cross right into the ground. Done deal. You'll be back to digging through Grandma's junk looking for that diamond ring before you know it. Thanks Harriet! See you in hell!
Product # 2 - Hey ladies are you tired of telling your husband that you aren't in the mood for sex over and over again? Well, don't lose sleep another nights sleep pushing off his advances, just simply strap on this "cotton-padded cock-block" and drift off to sleep. If your husband tries to get his "business" anywhere near you, he'll just "bump" into this contraption that's hooked to your knees? Yup, I just looked again, it's hooked around her knees. However, husbands, don't think this is the kiss of death just yet. She may be sleeping, but that doesn't mean you can write her a note on that thing. Perhaps book an appointment on that cotton cock-block for the following night? It's time to literally think outside of the box (yes I just made myself laugh with that one).
Product # 3 - Can't get enough of that pussy around your neck? Either can this lady. She loves loves LOVES a nice heated up and dark pussy (cat) around her neck. What? She doesn't discriminate! This pussy cat heats up and keeps your neck warm all night long and you don't even need to plug it in. Now, I'm not sure what those red lines are coming out of the cat. Perhaps that car is possessed or casting a spell on your neck? Maybe the cat vibrates? Maybe the cat farts? I mean, it's a real crap shoot when you buy out of the Harriet Carter catalog so sky really is the limit with this one. My one final thought...look at the lady's face. You know she is totally thinking, "yes, that is some hot pussy cat humping my neck and I'm ok with that!"
Product # 4 - Are you king of "stating the obvious?" Do you like getting your ass kicked absolutely everywhere you go? Well then this mug is for you. Have everyone in your office pissing their pants with laughter for literally seconds when you show them your "World's Biggest Mug" mug. They won't even believe their eyes! But don't just stop there. The next day make sure you wear your "World's Dumbest Bitch" t-shirt. Seriously, is this chick for real? Wait a minute. Stop the press! Is that lady with the mug the same lady with the cat? I think it is! Lucky! If there was any justice in the world, that "electronic cat" would jump out of picture number 3 and attack the lady with the mug in picture number 4. Ugh. World's Biggest Mug. Douche Bag.
That concludes another segment of Harriet Carter. Be sure to write to Harriet Carter and request that I start modeling crap in her catalog. Like Oprah always says, "God dreams bigger than you can dream for yourself." I think God is dreaming that I make it into the Harriet Carter catalog.

...In Other News...

The Olsen Sluts had a visibly enjoyable time with Bob Sagat at the DVD release party of "Farse of the Penguins." I love me a good old fashion Full House reunion! It looks like Michelle Tanner is up to her old tricks again and Danny Tanner has had it up to here! In other news...

~ Mena Suvari Tards it Up ~ Yeeeah!
~ Neve Campbell Looks Like a Little Boy Up to No Good ~ CelebritySmack
~ Why Does Nicholas Cage Look Like a Level 3 Sex Offender? ~ DListed
~ Larry Birkhead vs. Howard K Stern ~ HollyScoop
~ Britney Changes Religions Like She Sorta Does Underpants ~ MollyGood
~ Brad and Angelina Secretly Married? ~ PopBytes
~ A Good Old Fashion American Idol Recap! ~ EvilBeet
~ Paris Smoking Pot and Acting Slutty? I Won't Believe It! ~ NinjaDude
~ Guess Which One of Elizabeth Taylor's Husbands Was a Cruel Drunk. Guess. ~ CelebrityMound
~ Eva Longoria Sans a Face Full of Makeup ~ GabSmash

Kelly Osbourne Tells the Sun to Kiss Her $%^@# Ass!

What the hell did Mother Nature ever do to Kelly Osbourne? As Kelly was celebrating at the In Style Awards the other night she stopped for a photo opp or two. I have never been more grateful that Playboy didn't want her. As white as her face is I can't even imagine what the "un-tanned" parts must look like. I mean, can you get whiter than her face? Luckily, since her face looks like ass I now know what her ass looks like. Great! You do the math. Other things that are lucky? Japan. Kelly has recently stated that she will never live in Japan (that's make two of us). Apparently she likes to hear the person next to her taking a horribly messy dump. Kelly said, "In public toilets you don't have to touch anything. A machine gives loo roll and makes birdie noises so you can't hear the person next door break wind. It spoils the fun!"
Yes Kelly, that definitely spoils the fun. Nothing is more fun than having a "fart-off" with the person next to you.

Who Shot That White Mess!?! and Who Said That Crap, Literally!?!

Is It Just Me or Is Nicole Richie Fat?

I actually would like to applaud Nicole Richie for doing her best "lollipop" impersonation. Wasn't Nicole working on gaining weight? Maybe it's the photos from "ParisExposed" of Nicole eating coke off of a plate that made her lose her appetite. Yeeeeah, I'll go with that. Regardless of what type of lollipop head syndrome (LHS) that Nicole is suffering from, she and Paris spent some time at Mr Chow's for a little din-din.
In Paris Hilton news, Paris has filed a federal lawsuit to have "ParisExposed" shut down and she wants her junk back. She also wants her virginity back, but you can't reverse that crap. You know what? I'm filing a federal lawsuit to have Paris Hilton shut down. I don't mean the website, I actually mean her.
Who Shot Those Two!?

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

MTV The Hills Recap and More and Less

Uh-oh it's Heidi's birthday and you know that nothing good is coming out of that. I really enjoyed how they keep saying it's Heidi's birthday, but they won't say how old she is. Now don't get me wrong, I was drinking waaay before I was 21, but it's neato to see how they won't say her age. I'm making a citizens arrest if I ever see her in public.
So, confusing moment # 6 of the season so far for me is when Lauren and Brody where on a little lunch date. After they talked about Brody dating Kristen (Laguna Beach) and Nicole Richie, Lauren told him that he needed to be single for a while and not jump girl to girl. Wait a minute, aren't they on a date? Good move, dumbass.
Later, Audrina (Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell) shows up at Heidi's b-day party....da-da-duuuun. A bitch-fight starts up, thanks to their random friend Jenn, and Audrina goes home in tears. Wait, was this an unscripted moment? I have to think "yes" because I don't think that Audrina is good enough to cry on cue.
In my favorite, "you stole this concept from Laguna Beach" moment, Lauren and the girl she works with (whose name I blank on every week) meet up with Audrina at a restaurant to "talk." Oh, and they bring their own coffee to the restaurant. Who does that?!? If I was the waiter I'd make them spill out their drinks that they got from "the outside world" and order from the menu. To me, that's like bringing your own beers to a bar (which I have done once before, but I got kicked out....see?). In the most awkward lunch conversation ever Audrina finally realized that she and Heidi grew apart, but not before "that other girl that Lauren works with whose name I blank on every week" threw in some random commentary/advice that made no sense and convinced me she was high. For all of these reasons, this is why this "lunch scene" is my 5th favorite scripted moment of The Hills Season II (yes, I'm keeping track).
The episode ends with the 90210 gang...oops wrong show...The Hills gang at a random LA club where Lauren goes back to Brody's condo in Hollywood and they share a kiss as they overlook a 1970's lit up store sign. Romantic.
For me, "The Hills Question of the Week" is: "Where in the hell was Lisa Loveless in this episode and do you think she sleeps hanging upside down?"

...In Other News...

~ Debbie Gibson Still Alive and Kicking ~ CelebritySmack
~ KFed's New Commercial ~ DListed
~ A Younger, Heavier Poshtoria? Same Nose. ~ HollyScoop
~ Haylie vs. Jessica ~ PopBytes
~ Wait, Katharine McPhee Sings Too? ~ EvilBeet
~ The Never Ending Pile of Paris Junk ~ Yeeeah!
~ Celebrity Upskirt Palooza ~ NinjaDude
~ Lance and Reichen Are Over and Update Their Myspace Profiles ASAP ~ MollyGood

Paula Abdul Wears All Her Clothes

I love me some crazy and I love me some people who dress a little crazy and, therefore, I love me some Paula Abdul. Paula was getting her hair done in Beverly Hills and was spotted wearing all of her clothes, but in no particular order. Oh, and she has on her WWF belt too. I wonder who she beat to get that? I say it was Randy's old bracelet, but you can make your own guesses.

Some People Want Hep-C, Don't Judge

You know, sometimes I jump to conclusions. Yesterday I was all, 'Oh George Clooney didn't date Pam Anderson. He doesn't want Hep-C." I think I was very unfair to say that, as I need to remember that there are some people out there who want Hep-C and I should NOT discriminate against them. It's just not fair. Pamela Anderson was seen with San Diego Chargers David Binn out and about the other night. Now the two have been friends for years, but rumors are flying that the two are now more than friends. And for those of you who don't know what that means, the rumors are flying that the two having sexual intercourse. Intercourse. Yeah, I said it. Jealous?

Brandy Wishes She Was Sitting Up in Her Room!

It appears that there is a chance that Brandy may be charged with a (missy) misdemeanor count of vehicular manslaughter with gross negligence. Doh! If this does happen and Brandy is found guilty she could face up to 1-year in county jail. Wow, that sucks. Wait, didn't Lil Kim serve 1-year in prison? She didn't even kill anyone did she? Anyway, Brandy probably wishes she was sitting up in her room (bonus points for bringing back a song from 10-years ago).
At this time, Brandy's rep had no comment. However, if they do comment like they did the last time (on myspace) we can be sure that they won't miss another opportunity to plug her upcoming album.

Who Said That!?!

Where's My Dinner, Bitch!?

Here's a new little segment I'm going to call, "Here's Some of the Crap That's Going On in My Head." I've gotten a ton of emails over the past few months from people that think that my sense of humor is "on point", original, creative, strange, twisted, horrible, immature, bad, satanic, etc. Clearly, every end of the spectrum is covered. So, I figured I'd share with you a little of what goes on in my life. So for me this video is hysterical, but only because I have a friend with whom (who? whom?) I've played this game with. I'm calling this friend, "Janine," but only because that's her real name. Me and Janine, I'm sorry...Janine and I have been friends for years and we like to play "puppets" with each other which consists of making each other do things in public that are completely ridiculous. This usually takes place at a bar and after several drinks. We've played puppets many times which consisted of, "where's my dinner bitch" as I get a slap across my face and we also play the "1,000 Feet! Restraining Order Game" in which Janine screams at me that I need to stay 1,000 feet from her due to a restraining order and then we wait to see how long it takes for someone to step in and make me leave. Oh the fun we have. Up until this point (knock wood) neither of us has ended up in jail from playing puppets, but it's good to have goals.
So, as you can see we are both years ahead of this SNL clip. Damn it why am I always one step behind!?! I hope you got to enjoy this little glimpse into my less than sane world. I strongly encourage you to play "Puppets" with your friends when you go out. Just be sure to give me credit. Thanks. Good day.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Pauses from Hectic Rehab

Sometimes when rehab gets a little to intense you should be allowed to leave your facility to go shopping. Hell, go grab a drink while you're at it! I mean, it makes perfect sense. Lindsay took a pause from attending rehab to "shop it out bitch" with her mom, Dina, (my favorite) at mega expensive Dior over the weekend. Is it bad if I say that Lindsay actually looks good? Would you stop reading if I did? Anyway, I guess her buddies at her rehab are getting pissed at her because she's, allegedly, getting special treatment. Insiders are saying that she has her own personal masseur come in regularly, a hairstylist, and a makeup artist. Is that special treatment? Now, if she has her own bartender there then I guess that would be special treatment. Lindsay's rep has been quoted as saying:
"Lindsay is 100 per cent not getting special treatment. She's getting the same as everyone else. This isn't the Betty Ford Clinic, it's not a lockdown facility. There is personal time. All these naysayers who keep blogging and speaking out... they don't know what she's going through, they're not there. They shouldn't speak until they've gone through something like that."
Ok, first off, for all of you right now who are at Betty Ford - congratulations, you're in a lockdown facility. Second, you're right, publicist lady, I am one of those bloggers who is speaking out and I shouldn't speak until I've gone though something like that. I'd LOVE to go through something like that. That rehab facility sounds amazing! I've seen pictures of it too. It looks awesome! It's far better than any house/condo I could afford!

Gideon Yago Leaves MTV, I Send Resume

Looks like there's an open seat at the MTV news desk (if that even exists). Gideon Yago, a staple at MTV for the past 7 years, has given his notice at the network in order to pursue his film career. I guess Gideon sold a screen play based on the Iraq War to Focus Features. So I totally sent my resume to MTV for his job. And by "resume" I really mean a screen shot of the ImBringingBloggingBack site. I mean, who wouldn't want to see my award winning journalism live on a daily basis? Oh, and by "award-winning" I really mean the awards that I make up in my head that I seem to win on a daily basis. Anyway, here is the open letter that Gideon wrote about his departure. Tell me if you think some of it is a little bitter.

Hello -
As some of you may have heard, today marks my last day as a full-time member of MTV News. I hope to work with you all again in the future but for now my days as a permanent daily fixture on 29, in the studio, or the edit come to an end. I feel incredibly lucky to have spent these last seven years at MTV. I have done so much, seen so many things, worked with such outstanding people that I can say without an ounce of hesitation that it has been the single coolest experience of my entire life. I wanted to thank you all for all of it.
In the short term, I am headed to Los Angeles to try my hand at other creative ventures. I'm am easily reachable, not just through the homing chip Erica Laden planted in my neck, but at [redacted] My cell phone is also ... thankfully ... still active.
I did want to offer one final valediction, though. I have learned a great many things during my tenure here: how to write for television, how to do a stand up, how to interview, when to pick your battles. There is one lesson, however, that I consider far more valuable than all the others combined: our audience deserves integrity and respect. Growing up in America is a difficult, sometimes traumatic, often alienating, very strange proposition. In between trying to figure out who they are and what matters in life, there is a chorus of parents, teachers, people and pitchmen telling them what to think and what to do. We are lucky to have an audience that treats us as peers. Though it might be seductive to play the short game with their trust in return for stacked favors and immediate gains, please keep fighting for them and thinking of them in the fine work that you all do. They deserve as much.

Thank you for letting me be part of your lives and your work.
Very Best,

You know what, Gideon, I would never leave MTV. Ever. Well, only because I probably wouldn't have any additional opportunities. And a film on the Iraq War? Yeah, I would have written a screen play based on a civil war going on right here in the United States. That civil war is, of course, the war between Cami/Kendra and Tessa of Laguna Beach Season III.
Ok, so please send letters to MTV requesting that I fill his position. Just so you know, I am also available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. I am not available for children's birthday parties.

Who Said Goodbye!?

Marguerite Perrin: Hip Hop'er, Gizzard Eater, God Warrior.

Marguerite Perrin finished up her two-part Trading Spouses episode and what a real treat it was. While last season she was a "God Warrior" this season she is a hip-hoppin' gizzard eating sass master. I've been loving Marguerite for over a year now, she is the reason why I get up each day and why I am the best God Warrior I can be. You're un-godly, not me.

Words to live by from Marguerite this time around when faced with a racial confrontation, "I'd be hip-hoppin', having a good ole' time, eatin' gizzards." Seriously? Brilliant.

P.S My editing skills are still top-notch, clearly.

...In Other News...

~ Sienna Miller the Unhappy Prostitute? ~ Yeeeah!
~ More ParisExposed Crap. Aren't You Glad You Didn't Pay for a Membership? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Paula Abdul Gets Named, "Women of the Year" and the World Implodes ~ DListed
~ I Watched The Family Guy, But Here is Some SAG Award Coverage ~ HollyScoop ~ Angelina Jolie's Mother Passed Away ~ MollyGood
~ Blades of Glory with Will Farrell Looks Hysterical ~ PopBytes
~ Haha! A Typical Hilton Board Meeting ~ EvilBeet
~ Britney Heads to McDonald's - Still Thinks Trucker Hats are Cool ~ NinjaDude
~ Craig T Nelson Looks 104 Years Old ~ CelebrityPuke
~ Jessica Biel Hearts H20 ~ GabSmash

George Clooney Says "No" to Hep C

I don't know why some people are so against Hepatitis-C. George Clooney is denying that he and Pamela Anderson Lee Hep C Rock Anderson Again have gone out on a date. If you remember correctly, last week it was rumored that George and Pam went out for a dinner-date (who says that?) at the Valley Inn restaurant in Sherman Oaks, CA. However, George's rep is now saying that George told him that, "I worked with Pam 7 years ago and haven't seen her since. And I've never been to that restaurant." Now, what I think what he really wanted to say was the following, "I banged Pam 7 years ago before she had Hep C and didn't hit the wall. Why would I take her to that restaurant when we can't have sex there? P.S I don't want Hep C, so I will be staying away. P.P.S It's not 1998 anymore."

Poor Pam. Did she ever think the day would come when a guy would go on the record saying that he ISN'T dating her. Seriously, if the rumor was swirling I would totally go with it. Then, I would say I got Hep C (which should keep me in the news a little longer) and then I would say that I cured myself of it (which should put me back in the news). Then I'd become the national spokesman for the Hep C foundation. It's really a win-win-win at this point. Wait, where the hell am I again?

Who Claims This!?!?

Rihanna, the Next Mariah Carey?

Rihanna was "performing" at Cardiff International Arena just the other night and she was certainly excelling at her signature moves that include, but are not limited to, the "pop out the ass," "100% spread eagle," and the "pop out the ass while performing a 100% spread eagle." Now these are tricky moves, my friends, these are tricky moves. Is it just me or is Rhianna training for the Mariah Carey Olympics? Either way, I say good for her.

Mary-Kate is the Abominable Snowslut?

Mary-Kate Olsen was out and about in LA dressed like the Abominable Snowslut. I actually feel bad for the Abominable Snowman who is probably running around naked right now after being skinned-alive by Mary-Kate. And how in the hell can she get around with that purse in front of her face? She officially looks crazy, which typically I love but in this case I think I would have to throw a net over her and toss her in a van if I were to see that stumbling up and down the street.
In other Mary-Kate Olsen news, her reps are denying reports that she has relapsed with anorexia. Her rep has been quoted saying, "Mary-Kate has not lost weight. She is taking good care of herself."
Hasn't she learned anything from that episode of Full House when DJ didn't eat for 3 days so she could fit into her bathing suit for Kathy Santone's birthday pool party? Maybe Mary-Kate shouldn't have been focusing so much on saying, "You got it dude" and focused more on DJ starving herself. Jeesh! Kids.

Who Said That!?!

MTV DanceLife w/ Saint Jennifer Lopez

It's been a little while since I had a "rant" so I figured now is as good a time as any. First, the weekend is a great time to catch up on your MTV reality shows. God bless the MTV marathon. Second, I'm embarrassed to admit that I had watched "DanceLife" with Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx. I can't help it though. I must admit the show isn't that bad (imagine me being nice? I know, right?). However, here's my issue. It's a little something I like to call "the embarrassment factor." It seems like at the end of every episode they rotate one person doing some crazy interpretive dance and it always seems like it's the person of the episode who is having the biggest stressful moment. Therefore, I get embarrassed. Then I thought to myself, what if everyone in life did this? So, the next time I'm in work and am having a crappy day I'm going to go into one of the conference rooms, turn on the boombox (yes, I said boombox), flick on the floor fan, and dance my ass off. I strongly suggest that you do the same. Are you stuck in traffic and all pissed off? Well, just get out of the car and start dancing. Have a "dance off" with the person in the next car. On DanceLife this always seems to solve the problem of the episode. P.S, the one dude from Boston has a worse accent than me and I didn't think that was possible. Go figure?
P.P.S, I saw a commercial for a new MTV show called "Juvies" about kids going to Juvenile Hall. Seriously, I can't wait. I can only hope that somehow the girls from Sweet Sixteen somehow end up on this show and go to jail. Fingers crossed.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Lindsay Runs Like a Jailbird

It looks like Lindsay tried to break free from Wonderland Rehab and make a run for it, but the cameras where there to stop her. Also, the security dogs were a little too fast for her anyway. Actually, Lindsay was allowed to leave her rehab facility for a short time to grab some groceries and head on back, she just happens to be dressed like a prisoner (just a coincidence).
Lindsay No Pants has been really enjoying herself in rehab and has been text messaging her friends saying she is the "happiest she has ever been." Um, I never got my text message from Lindsay? I thought we were friends? Anyway, Lindsay's doctors have given her the green light to return to the set of her new movie today. Now, I don't mean her rehab doctors, I mean her appendix doctors. Lindsay is free and clear to hop back on that stripper pole and really make it her own.
Who Said That!?!

...In Other News...

~ Carrie Underpants is Extra Skinny in her New Video ~ CelebritySmack
~ Madonna Family Picture Without David (Boy's Father Must be Pissed!) ~ DListed
~ Poshtoria in a Reality Show? ~ HollyScoop
~ Tom Brady and Gisele? ~ MollyGood
~ Kelly Osbourne Gets Sorta Naked, but Not in Playboy ~ PopBytes
~ Jessica Biel Jumps from Jeter to Justin? ~ EvilBeet
~ Tom Cruise is the Jesus of Scientology ~ Yeeeah!
~Tyra Mail: Not So Skinny ~ NinjaDude
~ Katie Plays in Paris, Shows Hairy Arm ~ GabSmash
~ Mandy Moore Wants Me to Call Her...No Joke ~ POTP

Paris Rocks the Cameltoe

As Paris continues to shoot her new movie "The Hottie and The Nottie" she also continues to be oblivious of her obvious cameltoe. Now I may not have my own personal "lady business" but I would assume it has to be like having a wedgie, no? You totally know that it's there and you need to fix it. Wouldn't it be the same for the cameltoe as well? Maybe she is numb down there from "years of excessive use?" The reasons are really endless. Anyway, when I spot me some cameltoe that can only mean one thing, it's time to play...."The ImBringingBloggingBack Celebrity Cameltoe Rating the Stars!" You know the drill. I give this Paris cameltoe 4 out of 5 camels. Congratulations! I mean, who needs an Oscar nomination when you can win an award like this?

Brandy Crashes Into Myspace

Wow I'm gone for a couple of days and look at all that I miss! After the fatal car crash that Brandy was involved in, she has taken to Myspace to give her condolences and plug her upcoming album (twice) in her Myspace message. Here is her message:

Brandy wishes to publicly express her condolences to the family of the deceased.
Brandy asks that you respect the privacy of everyone involved at this time.
Brandy Doing Fine After Accident; Finishing New Album. - January 25th, 2007

"Yesterday news reports went wild that singer/actress Brandy was involved in a fatal accident. Despite previous reports, the cause of the accident is still under investigation. Brandy was not injured, was not arrested and drugs or alcohol was not involved. In a statement issued Wednesday, her publicist said Brandy "wishes to publicly express her condolences to the family of the deceased. Brandy asks that you respect the privacy of everyone involved at this time." Brandy is doing alright since the accident and is currently in the studio putting the finishing touches on her new album, due out later this year."

Seriously? Ok so it's cool to express your condolences, but don't use that opportunity to plug your new album.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

KFed to Brit: Go to Rehab With Lindsay

According to an upcoming issue of Star Magazine, KFed wants Britney to check her tired ass into rehab, as he's afraid she's going to hurt herself. A random source close to the ex-couple has said that Kevin has tried everything to get Britney to go to rehab, even threatening to take away her kids (she has kids?). KFed is also concerned that Britney isn't spending enough time with her kids and that they're being raised by strangers.

Wait a minute, now that is a low blow KFed! First off, how do you even know that she has kids? Second, if she did have kids I think we would know because they would probably be in all the paparazzi pictures of Britney out 5 nights a week getting hammered and showing her "hoo-ha" as she gets in and out of cars. Third, she doesn't need rehab, she's just tired and needs a nap. Wow, give her a break.
Who Said That!?! and Who Shot That!?!

Wanna Buy Paris' Old Crap?

Do you want to call all of Paris Hilton's celebrity friends? All you need to do is buy her old cell phone. Wanna see Paris bumping uglies with guys and gals? All you need to do is buy her personal sex-tapes. It really is that easy my friends. So check this out, a new website: launched yesterday and has a ton of old Paris Hilton stuff from her storage unit that she never made payments on. The junk then went to auction and then some dude bought all her stuff in September and is now selling it all on his joke. For a monthly fee of $39.97 you too can gain access to the following:

~Her cell phone numbers
~Personal video diaries
~Sex tapes
~Love letters to and from Nick Carter
~Paris' AA sponsorship
~Photos of billionaire kids doing coke off someones chest
~Personal written diaries
~Discover if she really did give Cher's son herpes
~Fan mail
~Medical records
~Bank statements
~much much more...and less

So if you spend the $39.97 to check this stuff out let me know. Better yet, send me over the photos, etc. I'm too cheap to pay for this myself and would rather have someone just tell me if it's true or not. Oh, by the way there is a free movie clip that shows Paris smoking a tampon. Yup, the world is definitely coming to an end...for sure.

Harriet Carter: Nothing But Love

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! I must make a confession, I fear the day when there are no more products available in the Harriet Carter catalog for me to write about. Let's hope that day never shows up in our lifetime. Today's Harriet Carter segment has a little something for and adults, clearly. Let's go!
Product # 1 - Who wants to make disgusting pizza! I do! I do! Harriet Carter provides the absolute freshest ingredients such as pizza sauce (ketchup and water), pizza crust mix (sawdust), and my personal favorite..cheese - which (if you look very closely) either looks like it's all moldy or it's just shredded green paper. Mmmmmmmm it smells so good! Now, look at that little bitch of a terror who's making that pizza. Yeah, I don't trust her for a second. She actually looks like she'd be a friggin animal in the kitchen. In between stabbing her brother with scissors, slapping her mother in the face, and performing a high-pitched scream she can toss that pizza mess in the oven. Toss her in after the pizza. She is clearly declaring "jihad" on the kitchen in her first photo. Seriously, if my kid ever made me a pizza with those shitty ingredients I'd drive them to New York, open the car door, give them a bit of a push, toss $20.00 at them and then drive back home. Adios kid! Maybe you can become a pizza chef in the "big city?" P.S Watch out for the rats. Love Always, Dad.
Product # 2 - Do you ever get tired while driving to work and wish you could just close your eyes and take a quick catnap, but your window isn't comfortable? I know! That happens to me all the time! Luckily, Harriet has us all covered with this window pillow. Don't even worry about pulling over. All you need to do is suction-cup this pillow-hanger to the window and PRESTO you'll be asleep in seconds. The good news is that it looks very comfortable. I mean, that lady's body isn't twisted at all. Is her head even on the pillow? And, is her left eye kinda peeking at me? Maybe she's keeping one eye on the road. That's smart. If there's any justice in this world she'll hit a pothole and her head AND the pillow with go right through the window. Wait, was that crossing the line? Oh well, what's done is done. What's the one major thing that's wrong with this photo? If you guessed her would be wrong. If you guessed, "she doesn't have any of the Harriet Carter seat belt options" you would be correct! Come on Harriet, you dumb-bitch, you could have also upsold us some of your seat belt crap. Better luck next time. You just lost a sale. But you gained a friend. I heart you.
Product # 3 - Ouch! Does your "neck" hurt? Is your "neck" throbbing? Are you all stressed out and haven't had any "neck" exercises performed in a while? Well, worry no more that your husband isn't around, ladies, because you won't need him to massage your "neck" anymore because now you can take care of your "neck" issues all by yourself. Uh, is this a joke? Do women typically use their vibrators on their neck because I've never seen that before. It's kinda like a guy using the Internet to not search for porn. It just doesn't happen. Has this chick noticed what she's holding in her hand? Maybe that's why she has that half smile on her face? Maybe if she used it "elsewhere" besides her neck she would have a full smile? Just a thought. I even added the little message that was with the photo. It is totally trying to trick you. It actually says,
"A convenient way to reduce stress and relieve tension! Compact design, available in 3 sizes, is ideal for easing neck and back pain...for relaxing tired, aching muscles! Quiet and powerful!"
It ACTUALLY says that. First, does a neck massager need to come in 3 sizes? I also like how they threw in there, "for relaxing tired, aching muscles." Is your neck really aching? Ok, let's put it this way...if you use this thing your "neck" has a chance of getting pregnant. Why Harriet, you little sex-monger!
Product # 4 - Hi there pretty! Have you ever wanted to capture the exact moment that your daughter turned into a butch lesbian? Well, now you can with this kick-ass picture puzzle. Seriously, what's up with the "Harriet Carter kids?" This puzzle would have sold more if they used a stick figure instead of this little shit. And I thought it was Harriet Carter Wednesday not Ash Wednesday? Why does this little girl have ashes on her forehead? Cut her mullet, take a weed-whacker to her eyebrows, and toss her in the tanning booth for 7 minutes. Then take her picture. This picture makes me not want kids. If someone ever gave me this puzzle with this girl on it I would never put it together...EVER. Well, maybe I would put the blue background together and the yellow sweater, but that's it. As soon as I got to her hair or nose I would take the entire puzzle apart and toss it in the trash. Bet you never thought 6th grade would be this bad, did ya?
Well, that ends another Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday segment. Until next time, folks, who wants to make a pizza?!

...In Other News...

Doh! Time for another secret mission. Booooo! This time I'll be in NYC for 2 days (I heart New York). While I typically say I'm going to adopt children, this time I'm going with "I'm going to NYC to appear on TRL to sing the acoustic version of 'Smack My Bitch Up.'" It's all the rage with the kids. Anyway, not sure if I'll have time to blog it up until Friday so just in case check out some other interesting news sure to rot your brain. By the way, if there isn't already a slogan that says "I Heart New York" there should be. Maybe I'll put it on a t-shirt. Hmmmm.

~ Anna Nicole Like Instant Messenger and is Retarded ~ DListed
~ Janet Jackson Grabs Her Boobs....Again ~ PopBytes
~ Tara Reid at Sundance...For Some Reason ~ CelebritySmack
~ Jared Leto is Cranky-Pants! ~ HollyScoop
~ A Chick Beat Top Chef's Ass ~ EvilBeet
~ Aniston to Kiss a Cox ~ Yeeeah!
~ Disney Execs Have No Morals ~ NinjaDude
~ Eva Longoria Shirtless on a Chair ~ GabSmash
~ Tori Wants to Look Like Little Drew ~ CelebrityPuke
~ Nelly Furtado Wants More Kids!?! ~ PoponthePop

Jessica Alba & Tom Cruise to Horrify You

I think there's an open seat at the Scientology club! Jessica Alba has just signed on to star in a horror film, The Eye, for Tom Cruise's production company. Jessica signed this $4 million dollar deal, but all the Scientology jokes that will comes from this? Priceless. There is no word yet if Tom Cruise will co-star in the film, but either way phonebooks are already being stacked on all the chairs on the set so Tom can feel like "a big boy" when he sits down. They are starting to film this next month in New Mexico, so if you see Katie Holmes going "south" with Tom you'll know why.

I don't know if this is a good move for Jessica. I think I'd stay clear of the "Tom Cruise Train Wreck of Horror" for a while. Although, I typically make the wrong decisions so maybe she should go with the opposite of what I say.

By the way, these photos are of Jessica Alba pumping gas in LA yesterday....riveting, right? Well, the thought of Jessica "pumping" anything is pretty hot, so just go with it.

Eva Longoria's Supermarket Sweep

There really isn't much going on with Eva Longoria, but I just wanted to post these recent pictures, as she is hot as hell. I'm also typically in awe when I see celebrities doing "normal things" like unloading groceries as they exit the supermarket, or "supermercado" for all my Spanish speaking fans. For me, it's kinda the same thing as when I was growing up and I would see the nuns from my school out on a Saturday afternoon eating a hamburger. It always just seemed to strange seeing them outside their "normal" settings. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way comparing Eva Longoria to a nun. Although, I did just get a metal picture of Eva dressed as a nun. You know...the kind that's a Halloween nun costume that's all "slutted" up. Ok, I'm done now. Good day.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Oscars to Beyonce: To the Left, To the Left

The Oscar nominations are in and Beyonce was told to put everything she owns in a box to the left. While Dreamgirls was nominated for 7 Oscars, it was not nominated for best film and Beyonce was not nominated for anything, except for my future wife. She can definitely win that award (sorry Mandy Moore, we're finished...just kidding, we'll never be over).
Here's a list of the other movies (which I haven't seen) that are nominated.

1. Best Picture: "Babel," "The Departed," "Letters From Iwo Jima," "Little Miss Sunshine," "The Queen."

2. Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond"; Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson"; Peter O'Toole, "Venus"; Will Smith, "The Pursuit of Happyness"; Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland."
3. Actress: Penelope Cruz, "Volver"; Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal"; Helen Mirren, "The Queen"; Meryl Streep, "The Devil Wears Prada"; Kate Winslet, "Little Children."
4. Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Jackie Earle Haley, "Little Children"; Djimon Hounsou, "Blood Diamond"; Eddie Murphy, "Dreamgirls"; Mark Wahlberg, "The Departed."
5. Supporting Actress: Adriana Barraza, "Babel"; Cate Blanchett, "Notes on a Scandal"; Abigail Breslin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls"; Rinko Kikuchi, "Babel."
6. Directing: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel"; Martin Scorsese, "The Departed"; Clint Eastwood, "Letters From Iwo Jima"; Stephen Frears, "The Queen"; Paul Greengrass, "United 93."

View The Full List Here

Fantasia Looks Ugly in the Eye and Says, "Hey I Know You!"

Fantasia brought down the house at Madison Square Garden where she performed with Jaime Foxx the other night. Oh, and by "brought down the house" I actually mean "cleared out the house." Seriously? WTF it that? It's official, Fantasia now scares the crap out of me. However I can't blame myself for feeling this way. I blame the American public who continuously voted for Fantasia on American Idol. It's all those votes that brought Fantasia to where she is light breeze away from showing her 'lady business' and one knee bend away from showing her "Barrino's" as they fall out of her dress. Thanks Fantasia! No wonder why other countries hate us.

MTV The Hills: Heidi Pregnant?

Man the last week flew by and every day was plagued by me trying to figure out if Heidi was indeed pregnant or was I just the pawn in a clever cliffhanger letdown. Did crafty editing trick me again? Here's what went down on "The Hills" da-da-dunnnnn.

Doh! I was completely tricked by a clever cliffhanger letdown. In the first, I think, 14 seconds Heidi says it was a false alarm. I was extremely relieved, but only because any potential offspring of Heidi scares the ever-living-hell out of me.

However, I wasn't the only one who was tricked. Heidi, that little minx, tried to pull a fast one over on her boyfriend (who I'm still calling Steve Sanders) by telling him that she thought she was pregnant EVEN THOUGH she knew she wasn't. Steve Sanders tried to play it all cool and even said that he was on "team Heidi" so no matter what she wanted to do, he supported. Uh yeah, the look this dude gave her when she said that completely made me think that as while she was talking he was already plotting ways to trip her down a flight of stairs. Seriously, if a girl ever tried to give me the "pregnancy trick plot" I would be less than pleased. Although, if she was also humming "to the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left" it would probably ease the situation for me.

Meanwhile, does Lisa Loveless think that Lauren is retarded? When she asks Lauren to do something she talks real slow at Lauren and nods her head a lot too. I think she thinks Lauren has no clue what's going on. She totally did this when she told Lauren about the fashion show in LA that she had to attend. The other chick Lauren works with (blanked on her name) couldn't go because she had school and Lisa Loveless said that school was very important...and then she shot Lauren a look that basically said, "Hey f*ck-face Conrad hit the books, stupid." Even the chick that ran the fashion show asked Lauren 3 times if she knew how to answer a phone. Wait a minute, maybe Lauren is retarded? By the way, the chick that ran the fashion show was legit nuts.

Ok, I have a question. So Brody Jenner is calling to ask out Lauren. Why the hell is there already a camera in his car as he calls to ask out Lauren? This officially makes this scene my 4th favorite scripted moment of the season.

I'd like to raise my glass for a toast: To the creepiest first date conversation! Cheers! Brody and Lauren talked about their creepy smiles and big noses. Then they went home. No joke.

For me, "The Hills Question of the Week" is: "Do you think Brody thinks Lauren is a fat-ass after dating Nicole Richie?

Mandy Moore Has the Clinical Blues

I think I've blogged about Mandy Moore in the past 2 weeks than in the past 5 months combined. She's all over the place. Clearly at this point you know that I sweat Mandy Moore and after her dating DJ AM and Zack Braff I definitely have a chance. But something saddens me. Mandy Moore has recently told Jane Magazine (via People Magazine) that after she broke up with Zack Braff she suffered some mild depression. Mandy also said she suffers from "the blues." Ok, so that's kinda the same thing, but I won't hold it against my Mandy. Mandy also gets pretty philosophical by telling Jane Magazine,
"I've been going through this really crazy time in my life. I'm asking myself life-altering questions, like 'Who am I? Where do I fit in this world? What am I doing? What do I want to do? Am I living to my full potential?'"
Mandy honey, pumpkin, sweetie, I don't need you thinking of these things. I need you to focus just on me. Also, as a side note, the crazy questions are making you a little less attractive to me...don't worry though, only by like 1%.
Mandy continued on by stating that she has tried dating, but doesn't really like it.
"I know I should be putting myself out there. But I don't really think it's for me. That's not to say I'm ready to jump back into a relationship anytime soon. I'm definitely not looking. But it'd be fun to have a crush."
Mandy no need to look any further. I'm right here. Behind the computer. I think it would be fun to have a crush too, although TRUST ME crushes don't work out EVER. Nevertheless, let's grab some beers at some place real fancy. You know, with white linen table clothes and awkward wine lists. You in? Call me.
P.S. Please rethink the restraining order.

...In Other News...

~ Paris Gets 3-Years Probation...Good Luck Not F'ing Up! ~ NinjaDude
~ Kate Winslet is All Photoshopped Out ~ PopBytes
~ Jessica in SOBE ~ HollyScoop
~ It's Baby Deadline Day For Anna Nicole! ~ DListed
~ A Tranny Breakdown For All You Freaks ~ EvilBeet
~ Christina Poses Her Ass Off ~ CelebritySmack
~ Joanna Krupa Loves Fur ~ Yeeeah!
~ Keith Urban Tries to Out-Rehab Lindsay's Rehab ~ ImNotObsessed

Victoria Beckham Does Ghetto Photoshoot

Now I've never really liked Poshtoria as she scares me and small children. However, after seeing these new photos of Poshtoria in her LA hotel I may have a new found respect for her. Poshtoria has someone take some very ghetto pictures of herself posted on her blog. Her blog you ask? Oh yeah, she has one too. I only say the photos are ghetto for two reasons: (1) They were taken with her mobile phone and (2) I take the same type of pictures and, clearly after viewing my blog now for the past 5-months you know I'm all about being ghetto. So now I'm scared because I feel like me and Poshtoria are sharing too much in common. Will I turn into a robot next? Am I already a robot? Zoinks Scoob!

In other Poshtoria news, allegedly she is pissed over the fact that she and David (yes I use proper English sometimes....sometimes) were taken off Liz Hurley's wedding guest list. To make matter even worse, a random source as told The Sun that Victoria found out that Liz had been talking mad smack about Poshtoria behind her bony back in regards to her weight, her looks, and (even worse) her fashion shoots. Seriously? Who talks about someones fashion shoot? How would you even go about that?
So Vicky B (new nickname) decided to rise above all this and just not talk to her. That'll teach her! Now, if Poshtoria can only give the United States the silent treatment we would be in a real win-win situation.

Strippers Depressed Brad Pitt

Poor Brad Pitt. I mean, I really feel bad for this guy. First off, he gets to bang Angelina Jolie 15.6 times per day. Second, he is mad rich. Third, he's famous. Fourth, he had to catch strippers clothes and then watch them strip for like an hour...every day. Geesh, and I thought Mother Theresa gave up a lot.
In a recent interview with Newsweek, Brad spoke of how is most random job was having to drive around strippers, collect the money, play the music, and catch their clothes as they tore them off. In fact, Brad said, "It was not a wholesome atmosphere and it got very depressing."
Yeah, that definitely sounds tough.
Brad continues, "After two months I went in to quit, and the guy said, 'Listen, I've got this one last gig tonight.' So I did it, and this girl—I'd never met her before—was in an acting class taught by a man named Roy London [a famous acting coach]. I went and checked it out, and it really set me on the path to where I am now....strippers changed my life."
Here's my response:

Dear Brad,
You live an ideal life and I mean that on every shallow level possible. You have a hot wife, a ton of money, fame, free crap, and women love you. Please don't continue to kick me in the nuts by saying that the strippers depressed you. Please. This is all I have left. Good day.

Luke Warm Regards,

Sharon Stone Gets Nominated!

Well it's Oscar season and you know what that means! Sharon Stone did get a nomination....for a Razzie. Sharon Stone and her film Basic Instinct 2 was nominated for an amazing 7 Razzies, which means it was considered one of the worst films and performances of the year. Good for Sharon.
Other important nominations:

1. Worst Actors: Shawn and Marlon Wayans
2. Worst Actress: Hilary and Haylie Duff, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson
3. Worst Film: Basic Instinct 2, Lady in the Water, The Wicker Man

Check out the other nominations Here

Winners will be announced on February 24th. Keep your fingers (and legs) crossed that you win at least one of the seven!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Lindsay Hearts AA and LA

Lindsay took a little time off from her treatment at rehab facility, "Wonderland" to become one with the common folk at an AA meeting that was hosted by the West Hollywood Lions Club. Besides just seeking treatment I'm sure she is there for the kick-ass coffee cake (free swag) they serve at the end of the, I mean I heard they serve at the end of the meeting. See, I have this friend...
You know, what really sucks about this is that Lindsay is single, right? So if you were just waiting in line to get into your AA meeting and she was just standing in front of you that would definitely be your chance to hit on her. I would be be all like, "hey Lindsay (extra points for saying 'no pants') you wanna get outta here and go grab a drink?" And then, BAM, off the wagon and hijinks ensue.
Finally, the part that really sucks is that there are photographers all over the place. Doesn't "AA" stand for Alcoholics Anonymous? ANONYMOUS? Those poor people whose pictures are now online of them in line for an AA meeting. Oh well, que sera sera.

Dina Lohan is Pissed at You, Yes YOU!

Yeee-haw! Dina Lohan is fightin' mad and she's gonna tip over her trailer in anger (...and cue the shotgun sound effect). Dina Lohan, friend and mother of Lindsay No Pants, recently spoke with Entertainment Tonight and blamed the media for being relentless in pursuing poor little Lindsay. Dina said,
"Lindsay is under a microscope. The media puts this ridiculousness out there. The helicopters are outside of our apartment. I mean, this child can't even go out to Starbucks without someone saying, 'Oh her hair looks..."
Well said Dina, well said. Your statement makes me think that you read my blog. Now if someone said, "her hair makes it look like the carpet doesn't match the drapes" then that was actually probably me. Yeah, that was definitely me. By the way, the "media" may put this "ridiculousness out there," but the media is also helping to put a ridiculous amount of cash-money in your daughters pocket and by 'daughters pocket' I actually mean your pocket. First, because your daughter doesn't have pockets since she never seems to wear pants and, second, because you know some of that money goes to you too.
Dina continued her rant by saying she thought the tabloids broke up the marriage of Nick and Jessica too. There's a lot of blame out there, Dina, but who do you blame for painting "witch-like" eyebrows on your face?

Time For a Beyonce Pose Off!

To the left, to the left. That's right ladies and gentlemen, it is time for a classic "Beyonce Pose-Off!" Which Beyonce pose makes you the most uncomfortable to look at. You have two options: "Boobonce: Beyonce at the DreamGirls Premiere last night in the UK" or you can choose "Pitsonce: Beyonce at the DreamGirls Premiere in Paris on January 18th."

You see, here at ImBringingBloggingBack I always give you options, I'm good like that. Personally, I choose the "Boobsonce." I didn't realize that the first photo also technically does feature a little "Pitsonce." I guess I was hypnotized by her boobs that are literally falling out of her dress in the first two photos. She may not have won the Golden Globe, but she certainly has some Golden Globes (please note: joke was recycled from last week).