Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Harriet Carter of Yesteryear and Today!


Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday all of you sick son-of-a-bitches! I got a ton of email last week from some people who loved my Harriet Carter posts, but weren't 100% sure just who or what Harriet Carter was. So, let me give a quick refresh. Welcome to Harriet Carter 101.
Harriet Carter was/is a retail catalog of completely tacky and white trash products (in my opinion). This catalog used to get mysteriously delivered to my house when I was little and me and my sister would spend hours going through the catalog of crap and pissing ourselves laughing over how dramatic/tacky/ridiculous/cheap/pathetic many (if not all) of the products were/are. Fast forward some years and I decided to share my love and fascination for all that is Harriet Carter in my celebrity blog because "yes" Harriet Carter will always be a celebrity to me. And thus the birth of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!

Be sure to check out the end of this post where an IBBB fan, Erin from Ohio, actually sent me authentic pictures of a Harriet Carter Christmas ornament that her mom had gotten her years earlier. And yes it is my favorite ornament...the one that says "I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year." More at the end....

Let's go!

Product # 1 - Introducing the worlds smallest iron. No joke. Have you ever been on vacation and thought to yourself, "God, I could literally iron for hours!?" Well now you can with the Harriet Carter World's Smallest Iron. All you need to do is take out your full size ironing board, your normal size shirt, and then your teeny-tiny iron. Makes sense, right? Plug in the iron and just go with it. I believe it takes approximately 45 minutes to iron the collar, 35 minutes to iron the right sleeve, 47 minutes to iron the left sleeve (go figure), 1 hour to iron the front of the shirt, and 1.5 hours to iron the back of the shirt. Simple! Oh, and you need to refill the iron with water about 341 times. Seriously? Even the mice from Cinderella would be like, "Damn that friggin iron is so small, this is gonna take us forever!" By the time you finish ironing all of your clothes on vacation you'll be ready to head right back to the airport! Thanks Harriet, I hope you one day accidentally "answer" the iron.

Product # 2 - Is it a hat? Is it a scarf? Or is is a Scat? Maybe it's a Harf? Either way one thing is for sure. When you put on this hat/scarf combo you are going to look like hot sex walking down the street! I know, sometimes it is waaaay to tricky to wear both a hat and a scarf. Sometimes you accidentally put the hat around your neck and the scarf on your head. Well you won't be making those mistakes anymore thanks to Harriet Carter! Oh, and again with those friggin backgrounds. Why is she all bundled up like that? It actually looks really nice out, warm even. Is it just me or does the material of that "Harf" make you think that if she was smoking a cigarette that entire thing would go up in flames in under 3 seconds? It also looks itchy as hell and it looks like it smells like a musty basement. I hope it gives that bitch a rash. That'll teach her. I have an idea. Spend the extra $39.99 and get a scarf....and...wait for it, wait for it......a hat. I know, insane right?

Product # 3 - Harriet Carter does NOT want your vagina to be hot...at all. In fact, she's bringing you a huge fan that you can, clearly, place directly in front of your "lady business." Ladies, are you ever feeling hot and bothered and need to cool things down...literally? Problem solved. All you need to do is plug in the fan, position it just right, and take a seat. Every 45 seconds you'll need to do your best "Sharon Stone" and VIOLA you have a very room temperature vagina. Ironically enough this is also Harriet Carter's solution to safe sex and spring cleaning. You really get a complete "two-for-one" when you purchase with Harriet Carter. Please note this is NOT to be used by men as your "ding-dong" could easily be chopped off by the fan blades. You've been warned. It's only a mistake you make once. Trust me.

Photo # 4 - Oh now this is the Harriet Carter that I remember from back in the day. Has taking a nasty crap been a little boring for you lately? Are you ever in the middle of "taking care of your business" and thought, "Damn it, I could really go for a little bowling right now!" Well, now you can get rid of your human waste and play with your balls all at the same time. What? I mean bowling balls. For me the best part of this, besides that fact that this guys pants is around his ankles and there is actually bowling wood (with red line) on the floor, BUT also because it is clearly very sanitary. I mean just after you finish "cleaning yourself" with toilet paper you can place those same fingers in the bowling ball. Nice! Be sure keep the game set up so that the next person still has a decent chance of getting e-coli too. Don't try to hog all of the disease yourself! If I ever walked into someones bathroom and saw this bowling game in there I would flush it down the toilet. Actually, strike that (pun intended) I would keep one of the pins to beat the owner of this game over the head. Thanks Harriet Carter for allowing us to multitask while I am making room for dessert, you gross gross gross little piglet.

Ok, so as promised, here are the actual photos sent in by Erin from Ohio of her actual Harriet Carter Christmas ornament. Erin, I am so proud of you for coming forward with this and keeping your head up high as you sent me the photos! God Bless! I encourage anyone who has actual Harriet Carter merchandise to send the photos my way! Thanks Erin!

4 comments:

Heather S said...

This "Harriet Carter" that you speak of is a whole new world to me. I am excited to see and learn more. I vote that it's Harriet Carter Day everyday!
Hip hip horray!

Erin from Ohio said...

Oh, IBBB...thanks for giving me the strength to share my story...I am now on the road to healing..crazy Harriet...

lucky said...

Your blog is just about the funniest thing I've ever seen! And the Harriet Carter stuff... BRILLIANT! I hadn't heard of her, but my husband had (raised by grandma - no wonder). Thanks for making me laugh so hard!

Anonymous said...

Awww, Erin from Ohio, I have that ornament too! Anyway, I'm looking at the Harriet Carter website right now, and there's a pillow that says, "You Never See a MOTORCYCLE parked outside of a psychiatrist's office." Um, WTF? I have. Is the pillow supposed to be an insult to motorcyclists or psychiatrists? Way to stigmatize mental health, Harriet Carter.

-Lindsay