Wednesday, February 28, 2007

...In Other News...

~ Fake Anna Death Photos? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Blond Chick from Grey's Anatomy to Stay Put? ~ HollyScoop
~ Read Every Second of American Idol , Every Second ~ EvilBeet
~ Diddy Uses His Hands as Weapons of Mass Destruction ~ Yeeeah!
~ Poshtoria Has a New Combover ~ MollyGood
~ Mothers and Daughter Who Party Together Stay Together ~ GabSmash
~ Britney Wears Other Peoples Clothes ~ DListed

Did Beyonce Catch Hepatitis?

Pam Anderson is such a trendsetter! Now it seems like all the celebrities are lining up for their dose of Hepatitis. There is a chance that Beyonce could have caught Hepatitis from the Sports Illustrated party on February 14th thanks to the catering from Wolfgang Puck's restaurant. A worker for Wolfgang was recently diagnosed with the disease and the health department is requesting that anyone who has eaten anything from this company between Feb 1st and Feb 20th to go an get their immune globulin show immediately.

So who was at this party? Well, Beyonce was there since she was on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (still psyched you got chosen for the cover, Beyonce?). Also Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend, Bar Rafaeli, was there and a ton of other swimsuit models. Luckily for most of them they, more than likely, ended the night by forcing themselves to throw up, which may have gotten rid of the Hep.

According to Beyonce's reps are looking into this matter. Somewhere right now Kelly Rolands and Michele Williams are hi-fiving and thanking Jesus that they were never as popular as Beyonce.

As a side note, I know that you can't catch Hepatitis. I'm not a doctor, but I pretend I am. Shhhh! Don't tell the patients at the hospital I work at! Also, my photoshop skills are almost award-winning. Almost.

Harriet Carter: If Harriet Calls Hang Up

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! To me the Harriet Carter Crapalog is like a "Where's Waldo" book. You always notice something new each time you look at it. I have no idea how I've missed some of these gems! Let's go!

Product # 1 - Ring Ring! I'm sorry, I mean Fart Fart! Have you ever thought that the phone was just a little too boring? I guess it is. All my phone does is just "ring." I wish my phone had sound effects. What is this you say? There is a phone out there that has sound effects? Brilliant! Harriet Carter is selling a phone (for $12.99) that has built in sound effects so that if you're talking to someone and are looking for an excuse get off the phone all you need to do is press one of the following sound effects: Screaming, crying, siren, crash, bark, rat-a-tat, burp, or fart. This actually isn't a joke. The phone really makes these noises.

Seriously? So in the middle of the conversation you're supposed to press the "crash" button and say, "I'm sorry I have to hang up. A car just crashed in my kitchen." Or better yet, press "burp" and then say, "I'm sorry I have to call you back, I just burped." Really? And what the hell is "rat-a-tat?" What kind of excuse is that? "Hey Rose? Yeah, I'm gonna need to give you a call back. Yeah, I have an emergency. You didn't just hear the 'rat-a-tat'? Yeah there's a rat-a-tat I need to deal with." Rat-a-tat? I would replace that with a "jihad" button. That way you could easily say, "Yup, lemme call you back. Someone just declared jihad in my living room. Ok, ba-bye." Thanks Harriet for reinventing the phone.

Product # 2 - Next time you're in a major car crash just whip out your trusty Harriet Carter Car Crash Kit. It comes equipped with a flashlight, camera, pen, and little booklet that has a picture of an intersection (no joke). So when the cops are using the jaws of life to cut your car in half and they're pulling you out of the car make sure you use your accident kit to fill out a proper report. Don't leave it up to the cops and the witnesses to fill out the report, you do it. Don't be so freakin' lazy. Oh "boo-hoo" your leg is broken and you have a mix of blood and windshield glass all over your face. Suck it up and take a picture of your own accident, selfish! No wonder why there are so many hit-and-runs out there. If I got into an accident and saw someone pull that out I would just drive away. Thanks Harriet for making car accidents a real hoot again!
Product # 3 - Harriet sells more crap for your bathroom than Home Depot. How much time does she possibly think you can spend in the bathroom? Now you can make people laugh while you're in the shower with this hysterical (insert sarcastic overtone here___) shower curtain! The "joke" it that the shower curtain has real "sexy cartoon bodies" with the head cut out. That's where you put your head! Get it? Funny right? So when someone walks into your bathroom they're gonna be tricked and think, "wow, who is that hot chick in a bikini?" Then, you stick your head through the hole and say "Surprise! It's me!" You guys will be laughing for hours/nano-seconds and your friend will feel so foolish for being tricked by a shower curtain. Oh Harriet you are so tricky! P.S I hope you are put to sleep one day.
God Bless Harriet Carter. I hope you enjoyed this segment of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It's been a real thrill for me. Real thrill.

Who Wants To See Some Rich Olsen Hole?

Wait, is this what "the kids" are doing these days? Ripping holes in their clothes? Is $2 dollar crack-whore really "in" these days? Damn, Whitney Houston was way ahead of her time. I actually miss the old cracked out Whitney. Ugh. Oh well, enough about me.

Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen (I have no idea which Olsen this is) was spotted in Paris the other day rocking some ripped pantyhose (nylons?) and wearing roadkill, and sporting some hip-happening sunglasses circa 1982. Nice! That's right Olsen #2, let's see some of that hot bony kneecap. Yeah! Celebrity anorexic kneecap. Hot. I love when rich people look crazy. It makes me feel better about myself. Is that a bad thing? Anyway, this bring me to my next Olsen fact. Forbes has named the Olsen Sluts the #1 Hollywood "earners" under 21. The Olsen Skanks (yes, quick name change) raked in $40 million in 2006. I bet you didn't know that I made the list? Yup, I came in at #76,232,267. Yeah, kiss that Olsen whores! Woooo-hoooo I'm rich baby, yeah! Uncle Joey has nothin' on me!

So let me understand this. You made $40 million last year. Your nylons have rips in them. You look homeless. You are the type of rich celebrity that my sister thinks will burn in hell, strictly for just being that rich.

Who Said Rich!?

Bruce Willis Fancies The Prostitutes?

I mean who doesn't like a real filthy Hollywood prostitute whore, really? Allegedly A-listers Bruce Willis and Tommy Lasorda were really digging the services of a prostitute or two thanks to Hollywood madam Jody "Babydol" Gibson. When "Babydol" was arrested eight years ago, police took her little black book, but "blacked" out the names of her customers. Well, fast forward to 2007 and it looks like there is a tell all book about who some of these customers were. The names of those who allegedly allegedly allegedly (allegedly) used the services consist of the following:

Bruce Willis
Ben Affleck
Mark Walberg
Jim Belushi
Tommy Lasorda (Old Dodgers Mgr)
Steve Jones (Sex Pistols guitarest)
Don Simpson (dead film producer)

All of the above have denied the claims, except Steve Jones. Wow, what a waste of a Hollywood madam. Seriously, Tommy Lasorda? Eight years ago he was doing Slim Fast commercials, fatass.

Who Said That!?!

Posh is So Skinny Her Penis Can Hardly Breathe!

Ok, so there isn't really much to report on Poshtoria, but I've been waiting to use that title for like a month. Victory is finally mine! Ok, well there is a little Poshtoria news. Bratty singer, Lily Allen, is pissed at Posh. According to a Lily on BBC talk-show "This Week" she had said:

"We are bombarded with fashion mags and gossip mags with rich pop stars and Victoria Beckhams with their new handbags and kids think that's the sort of life they should have."

Wow, that's a whole-lotta-sass-a-frass from one little girl. I won't have Lily Allen talk about my Poshtoria that way.....meaning...I won't allow her to say something like that unless she also says that Poshtoria is also making little girls think that they need to be that skinny. Come on Posh! I mean you're penis can't even breathe. Bonus point for me using that joke twice.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

...In Other News...

Dick Cheney Almost Killed Overseas

Uh woooooo! Wooks wike someones hunting wabbit again! There was an apparent assassination attempt on Dick Cheney while he was overseas in Afghanistan just moments ago. A suicide bomber, on foot, blew himself up and killed and wounded over 24 people outside of a US military base in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney was completely unharmed and the Taliban claimed responsibility of this attack. Braggers. The Taliban also claims that Dick Cheney was the target or the attack. That's just like the Taliban to always go after the Dick. Oh! Stop me if you heard this. Don't forget to tip your waitress!

Seriously, you gotta love that you can come to ImBringingBloggingBack and read about Victoria Beckham's boobs, get a healthy recap of The Hills, and then read about Dick Cheney. This site has really come full circle.

All kidding aside, no one wants an assassination attempt. However, now that Dick Cheney was actually in danger in Afghanistan I wonder if he now realizes how crazy some of those people are over there. Can we blame global warming for this? Jeeze, that Al Gore won't stop at anything to push his global warming agenda! As a side note, how many people are in the Taliban? Those people seem to be coming out of the woodwork. Their worse than the Girl Scouts.

Poshtoria Wants Privacy, Does Reality TV

It has been reported, by random drunken sources, that Victoria and David Spiced-Beckham will be getting their very own reality show here in the good old US of A and on NBC. I was a little surprised with it being on NBC, as I would have assumed FOX or The UPN (is the UPN even around anymore?). The Spiced-Beckham's have signed a $19.5 million deal to have cameras follow them around day and night as they move to Los Angeles later this year. Ok, now while this may end up being train-wreck TV at its finest, if this is true, Poshtoria has forfeited all rights to complaining that she doesn't have any privacy and the paparazzi always follow her around.

Poshtoria's manger, Simon Fuller, has been contacted and has said, "The Americans were falling over to sign Victoria for TV. They have taken a shine to Vic's humor."

Uh, yeah - no. We haven't as much "taken a shine" as we have drank "moonshine" and then laughed at her. There's a difference. Also, can "Vic" have a sense of humor if she doesn't show her teeth, ever? Oh wait, is that supposed to be that dry British humor? I get it now. And, "yuck."

No word yet if Poshtoria's teeth will be making a guest cameo on the reality program, but rumors are already flying that her robot boobs will be getting their own spin-off. Only in America, my friends, only in America. I'm glad that I live in a country that would give a Spice Girl a second chance. You hear that "Kris Kross?" You're next!

Who Said Robots Can Smile!?! and Who Shot Spice!?!

MTV The Hills: What the Hell is a Jenn Bunny?

Is it just me or is this season of "The Hills" like 549 episodes long? This episode really pulls from the bottom of the barrell and gives random Laguna Beach friend turned random The Hills friend, Jenn, a little camera time. It's Jenn Bunny's (??) 21st birthday and that can only mean one thing: Get drunk, say wicked stupid stuff that you don't think the cameras picked up on (they did pick up on it), and be as annoying as possible (almost as annoying as this site...I said almost). Will Jenn screw over Lauren? Will Heidi make herself look like even more of an ass? Will Steve Sanders create a new catchphrase this episode? Will Lauren do the "ugly cry?" So many questions, so little time. Below are some real philosophical thoughts I've had while watching this train-wreck of an episode.

  • Audrina actually thinks Steve Sanders put a spell on Heidi. Yup. She actually said that. Audrina, do you know you're not in a Mighty Mouse cartoon?
  • With all the money that Jenn's family has you'd think she would have gotten a nose job. No one is that comfortable with themselves. Yeah, I went there.
  • Is Whitney retarded? No, like I don't mean dumb, I actually mean physically challenged.
  • Is MTV forgetting to hit the "sensor" button? At one point Steve Sanders actually says to Brody "Chucks" Jenner that he needs to get in Jenn's back door. No really, he said that. Can you say that on TV? Jim Walsh would not stand for this, Steve.
  • Uh-oh "girls night out" at The Geisha house means "and cue the stereotypical "sake" shots and girls screaming."
  • Oh, by the way Jenn and Heidi are evil whores.
  • Who actually says the words, "he'll mack you ASAP"?? No really, who? Give me their names and addresses.
  • Um, does anyone know that Brody and Lauren were "fake dating?" Why do they all keep trying to hook him up with Jenn?
  • What's a "Jenn Bunny?"
  • Does Myspace pay MTV to have them reference Myspace in every episode?
  • Why do Lauren and Whitney always have to set up the flowers in a straight line at work? Is that work?
  • Jenn hooked up with Brody. Lauren seems surprised. Does she not know she's on a semi-scripted reality show?
  • Best line of the show, "He's a sucky person, he's a sucky person" ~ Lauren about Steve Sanders.

Will Lauren and Heidi be able to fix their friendship after the fight at the end of this episode? Will Jenn ever appear on another MTV California reality show? Tune in next week. Oh, P.S if you haven't read this entire post with a sarcastic overtone you have done yourself a disservice.

James Blunt to Victim: You're Crippled. You're Crippled. It's True.

High-pitched, whiny, singer James Blunt ran right over the leg of this dude who was just trying to get a little old autograph while in Los Angeles, says one random witness. James was with his girlfriend, supermodel Petra Nemcova, when the alleged accident happen, but they never stopped to check on the dude that they hit. Since we don't know this guys name yet, I will call now call him, "Stumpy McDragAlong" (thanks Traci).

When James Blunt's rep was contacted for comment he stated, "He was overwhelmed by the swarm of paparazzi and was truly not aware of what happened. We're very sorry for what happened, and we're looking into the matter."

Yeah sure blame the paparazzi. These guys get blamed for everything, including the war in Iraq. It would have been WAY more believe able if they just said that James was in such awe that a supermodel would actually date him that he became dizzy and never saw the guy near his car. Seriously, I need to become famous so that I can date a supermodel. And, when I do I'm totally going to full-on admit that she's only dating me because I'm famous. I mean, every famous dude can get any hot and rich model. Well....that's not always true. Example: Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman.

Lindsay Worries Sister Will Skank It Up

Lindsay hikes up her skirt (possibly to air out her lady business) and heads out to a little private party at Winston's Bar in West Hollywood. But, while Lindsay No Pants may have partied her pants off the "good times" are always a little bitter sweet since she is worried about her little sister Ali, whom I haven't given a nickname to yet. Oh and "yes" I just used the word "whom." What? I'm classy.

In a recent interview with Britain's Top of the Pops magazine, Lindsay spoke about her concern for her sister trying to mimic her partying ways. Lindsay has said:

"My little sister Aliana's opinions are the most important to me. She says, 'I want to look like you, you're so pretty!' But she is very beautiful and so she is trouble in the making! She wants to do what I do. I'm like her second mother and I am very protective of her."
And end scene!
Seriously? Ok, give me a minute to comment on just a few things.
  1. 'I want to look like you, you're so pretty!" - yeah Linds (I call her "Linds"), you know you just made that part up. I doubt Ali is up at night praying that she gets a case of the "freckleitis."
  2. If she really wants to do what you do than Dina must be psyched she's saving money on underpants.
  3. You're like her second mother? Second? Yeah, no no you're like her first mother. That's right Dina I said it. Deal with it.

Lindsay continued by discussing her bother, Cody.

"My brother Cody is 19. He wants to stay out of the limelight and become a lawyer. I want him to be an entertainment lawyer, so he can help me out!"

Awesome. Here's what I think:

  1. DUDE! What is it like to be 19, Lindsay's brother, and seeing pictures of your sister's "lady business" getting in and out of cars and on and off of boats? The money that Dina is saving on underpants should go towards buying gallons of bleach so you can pour it in your eyes.
  2. He may become an entertainment lawyer, but Lindsay you're going to have to wait for him to bust your dad out of the slammer before he even starts to work on your messy legal issues.

Mary Kate Writes About a Bag & Bags & a Bag

Do you ever wonder what billionaire's think about? I do. I only know what millionaire's think about, as I am a millionaire. Well, billionaire's think about bags. Yes, "bags" and not the kind that Mary-Kate Olsen typically wears. I'm actually talking a purse. Mary- Kate Olsen wrote a little article in the New York Times about her bag. Yes, bag. Let's take a look to see what she wrote:

"I have a large, red quilted Chanel bag that I borrowed from my sister Ashley. I wore it to an event and never gave it back. Luckily, she's moved on to another bag, so I'm safe for now. I'm not quite sure how many bags I have, but let's just say I have a few. When I find a bag I like, I tend to wear it to death until I become obsessed with another one. This probably happens three to five times a year. But I always come back to the Chanel. The size isn't overwhelming, and it has enough subtle detail to keep it interesting.

I also have the smaller version in blue and in white, but the red is definitely my favorite. I don't have a stylist - I'd rather just do my own thing and put together my own outfits. The chain-handle bag is the perfect accent to almost any combination I come up with. I look at everything with a designer's eye, but I wouldn't change a thing about this bag. I think that's why it's a true classic."

Wait, what? Is this a joke? First off, she literally wrote "bag" 6 times in two paragraphs. Maybe Michelle Tanner should have spent a little more time in school than on the set of Full House. Now don't get me wrong, my writing is equally as horrible, but I'm not a billionaire, an Olsen, or a billionaire Olsen. Hey Mary-Kate what are your thoughts on global warming? And by that I actually mean, do you have a bag that you can wear as you deal with global warming?

As a side note, somewhere in the world right now Kimmy Gibbler is digging in a dumpster for her lunch.

If I was chosen to write an article for the New York Times, my article would go a little something like this:

I could go for a large beer. I would not share the beer with anyone, not even my sister. I'd be afraid she wouldn't give me my beer back. Luckily, she moved onto something besides beer. She's moved onto wine so I'm safe for now.

Sometimes I wish I could brew my own beer. I don't have my own bartender - but I'd rather just do my own thing and make my own beer. It may not be the best, but I wouldn't change a thing about he beer I brewed. I think that's why I'm a true classic.

Britney Stole My Nana's Lipstick

Yeah I said "Britney" but I didn't mean Britney Spears. There's more than one "Britney" out there. Man, she isn't Jesus - you know, with just one name. Never mind, His last name is "Christ." Anyway, I am putting Britney Murphy under investigation for possible stealing my Nana's zinc pink lipstick. My Nana thought she just lost it a few days ago and then look what ends up right on Britney Murphy's lips. Britney was at the Vanity Fair Oscar party just the other night showing off her lips or as I like to call it, "bragging about how she mugged my Nana."

Now, I'm still waiting to complete my investigation before I charge Britney with "theft." There is a chance that my Nana just gave Britney a kiss and all her lipstick just smeared onto her. I haven't seen my Nana in a little while, so she could've been at the Vanity Fair Oscar party, you never know. However if I ever run into Britney at a Bingo Hall and I hear her yelling out "B-5?, B-5?" I'm going to know that she is stalking my Nana.

As a side note, Britney is hot. She definitely kinda has that "I'm a hot version of Tori Spelling with less buggy eyes" kind of look. Is that just me? Anybody? Anybody?

Who Stole My Nana's Crap!?!

Monday, February 26, 2007

...In Other News...

I'm sorry I couldn't do it, I just couldn't do it. I fell asleep too many times during the Oscars to blog about it and I knew that there would be so many other sites out there doing the play-by-play. I woke up at very random times such as: Celine Dion singing (I assume Titanic must still be up for some awards), I saw Al Gore win an Oscar (that may have been a dream), and I saw some dancers make themselves into a scene from "Little Miss Sunshine" (I must have been drugged). Check out what some other legit Oscar buzz and other celebrity news.

~ The Most Complete Oscar Coverage Out There! ~ PopBytes

MTV: My Interview with MTV Juvies

While some people are interviewing A-list celebrities, I'm focusing on interviewing A-list fauxlebrities. I "virtually" sat down with "Sierra" from the MTV brilliance of "Juvies." You may remember Sierra from Juvies as the girl who never showed up for school, had the 19 year old boyfriend, and then got arrested and sent to Juvie-Land. Oh, but Sierra is so much more than that. She weighs in on her experience with MTV, her thoughts on Saint Jennifer Lopez, her feelings towards braiding girls hair, what MTV told her not to say, and much much more...and less.

IBBB - Sierra, you appeared on an episode of MTV's Juvies because you knocked over a 7-11? No really, how did you end up on the show?

Sierra - I was in there because I supposedly ran way, which NEVER happened. The attendance office looked at the wrong name and the officer never went back to look at my records like he was supposed to. He probably went to Dunkin Donuts! But my parents didn't like my boyfriend at the time and thought I would run away with him.. So, when I was walking home from school, I got arrested. When I arrived at L.C.J.C., the MTV lady asked me if I would be on the show, so I said sure. It made my stay a bit easier though, like I was allowed to leave my room more for interviews.

IBBB - Yeah, I like Dunkin Donuts too. Er...awkward.

IBBB - Why do all the girls seem to braid each others' hair right before they go to court? Is it like getting ready for the Prom?

Sierra - Haha, yeah I had my hair "did" when I went to court. I guess it's just because we're bored. It's either braid hair or play Spades. It's a girl thing, playing with hair, so we usually have our hair braided before court. And yeah I guess we do want to look nice... lol.

IBBB - Oh, I'm funny to the Juvies! You use the "lol" a lot. I'm old.

IBBB - I get nervous that by having your image displayed on a show like that it may be difficult to find work. (1) Who do you think would win in a chicken fight – Nicole Richie or Mischa Barton and (2) What are your career inspirations?

Sierra - I don't know who would win. They would probably both break if they touched each other. They are as skinny as tooth picks for crying out loud. So, it would be a lose-lose situation. My career inspirations are probably animals. I feel bad for really sick animals, and I want to make them better. I plan on becoming a vet.

IBBB - I think Mischa would win because she's taller. I guess since spending time in "Juvies" you are most qualified to work with animals. Oh! Stop me if you heard this one!

IBBB - In your episode your parents seemed to realize that you didn't call yourself out of school and they were just trying to look out for your best interest. Do you no look back and see that they were correct for doing so?

Sierra - I personally don't think so. I understand them looking out for me, but they don't seem to understand that I've been around these kind of people my whole life, and I'm well aware of the risks I'm taking. But, maybe later on down the road I'll agree with their decision. But right now, no.

IBBB - Honey, honey that is not the right answer. Even if it is how you feel, your parents will toss you back in the slammer before your 18th birthday and you’ll be braiding hair until your next trial. Just be grateful that Sally Jesse Raphael isn't still on the air. She'd toss your ass right into boot camp!

IBBB - Your myspace seems to have a lot of skull and cross bones all over it. That's danger. If you could provide any words of wisdom to Britney Spears what would they be?

Sierra - Don't EVER shave your head again. And go get help like the rest of us abnormal people have to. Don't leave after a day; you'll get nowhere by doing that.

IBBB - You didn't mention anything about the skull and crossbones on your myspace page. Ok, I'll let it slide for now, but I'm telling Tom.

IBBB - What was the best thing that came out of your experience on MTV?

Sierra - The best thing would have to be the fact that I was on TV, nothing else because it was for the wrong reason. Even though I did agree to do it I could care less about the popularity.

IBBB - Well you never know what can happen. That blond chick from the first episode wants to try out for American Idol. Really shoot for the stars Sierra!

IBBB - Speaking of train wrecks, do you think that J. Lo traded up with Marc Anthony or did she trade down?

Sierra - Sh*t, I still think that no one can ever replace Ben Affleck. Those two were one of the hottest couples I've ever seen. Marc really isn't all that great looking to me...but what ever floats her boat. It's not based on looks, I know.

IBBB - Um Sierra, if it's not based on looks how do you know you like someone? I only base things on looks. P.S If Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx reads this, you're dead! P.S Watch your mouth. This is a PG-13 rated site!

IBBB - What are some misconceptions that you would like to set the record straight on about you and your experience on Juvies?

Sierra - I did NOT actually run away, I was in school. I'm not as big of a cry baby as I looked. I actually laughed and had fun more than I did cry. Sounds bad to say that, but it's the truth. And I'm not really that obsessed with "that guy." We had a thing, I loved him, but he wasn't all that I freakin talked about. And I did think he was cute. They just asked me NOT to say ANYthing good about him. Hint - why I laughed a little bit when I answered that question.

IBBB - Interesting. So you were basically "coached." I'm not saying a word because I want to work at MTV one day.

IBBB - It seems like you've learned a lot through this process. You have one guess…who is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter?

Sierra - Who f*ckin knows? She's a whore, man. I know it's not that old guys though, all he shoots out is dust probably.

IBBB - Yowza! Don't speak ill of the dead unless you end it with, "TrimSpa, baby!"
IBBB - So, some of the girls looked kinda scary, kinda like Roseanne Barr. Did any of them try to make you their prison bitch?
Sierra - Surprisingly, no. I got along with all of them except for the people that didn't talk to me.
IBBB - Ok, that's enough about you, let's bring it back to me. So, do I look to old to be an MTV VJ or news correspondent?

Sierra - Naw, you don't look old at all....just about the right age actually.

IBBB - You are very wise Sierra and you speak the truth. You hear that MTV?

Thanks Sierra you were great and besides your filthy mouth you seem like a normal teen who just happens to like skulls and crossbones. Best of luck with all that you do! If you ever need a reference for a job well you can just luck with that.

Want to ask Sierra some more questions? Check out her MTV Juvies Myspace Profile!

Britney's Kids Enter Rehab. Meanwhile, Britney Stays Busy Writing "Death Note."

Ahhh, see what I did with the title? I made you think her kids were in rehab. I'm tricky. Britney's kids were brought to "Promises"rehab (or "Promise of a New Day" as I like to call it - shout out to Paula Abdul) to visit mommy in the clink. Even Kevin Federline made it out to rehab to check on his ex-wife.

It is now rumored that while Britney had some downtime before she checked in head into rehab she kinda wrote a letter to Santa Claus. Well it wasn't so much a letter to Santa as it was a list of people who she wanted dead. Oh, that's sweet. According to NewsOfTheWorld Britney had her suitcase checked when she entered rehab so they could make sure she didn't have any drugs on her. It was then that they found a note that allegedly listed out some people that she would like dead. Who made this list you ask? Well, that would be Kevin Federline and some members of the paparazzi. Yeah, you're nuts. If this is true I would love to see that note. I wonder what she was going to do with it? That thing would be worth more than finding an original copy of The Declaration of Independence. Since I am the writer of this award winning blog, I have actually gotten my hands on the "death note" from Britney Spears. See below.

Cameron & Drew Play Puff Puff Pass

Why those wiley little minx! Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz took a little time to unwind while vacationing in Hawaii. Some people say it's just a cigarette, while others are speculating that it's a little bit of the marijuana that the kids are wild about these days. I say if it's drugs where are the receipts? Maybe they just "found it on the ground" or "are just holding it for a friend." The possibilities are endless. Hopefully after their "festivities" their conversations actually got interesting. I'd need about 10 of those to deal with those two together. It would be like being permanently trapped on the set of Charlies Angles. I wish I was there actually. I would have totally made it into a real bad after school special. I would have also tried to make a citizens arrest.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Britney's Umbrella, Britney's Video & Less

Sure it's the weekend and while I typically take the time off from the IBBB, I thought it was fitting to recap a little Britney. Enjoy the journey through ImBringingBloggingBack Britney time from crazy to crazy, from skanky to skanky, from y'all to y'all. You'll love Britney's umbrella (I'm still trying to get an interview with it), you'll smile at Britney's Scooby Doo disguise, and you'll be spooked by Britney's ghost boobs! I mean let's face it this is award winning journalism. Journalism. Also, clearly award winning photoshop skills.

Um, Christmas is Over, No?

I haven't had a rant in a little bit, so now is the time.

I may not be the best with math (or spelling, or grammar, or politics, or science, or religion, or cats) but I'm almost positive that Christmas ended over two-months ago. How do I know this? Well, I checked my calendar and counted the days. You see, Christmas ended at midnight on December 25th. "Little Christmas" ended on January 6th. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that Christmas is over because it seems that wherever I drive around some houses are still decorated for Christmas. How so? Well, some people still have their wreaths hanging on their front door and over their front windows. Some still have lights on their bushes AND they're still turned on at night. Many still have their electric candles in their windows and they, too, are still turned on. It's one thing to "forget" to take these down, but you are intentionally turning them February...your lights....your Christmas February...on. Why would one do this? Every time I see this it makes me crazy. Sometimes I am tempted to get out of my car and knock on their door and ask them what they are thinking. Sometimes I want to just take their lights and wreaths down myself and just leave a note on their front door that says, "You're welcome."

Seriously? These people that own these homes better be dead inside and that's why their stuff is still up. No joke. Whenever I still see their lights on I always think that they must be on a timer and that the owners are passed out on the kitchen floor. That has to be the only explanation. Look, I'm not trying be the Grinch, but Christmas is clearly over. How would you like it if I kept my house decorated for Halloween all year round? Same thing. Better yet, for every additional day that I see your Christmas stuff up I am going to go to your house and sing Christmas carols in front of it until you either shut your stuff off or give me money. Oh, and I'll ring your doorbell every day and ask if you want me to shovel your driveway. I can do this well into the summer.

In closing, please take down your Christmas crap. Christmas ended months ago and you're confusing the kids in the neighborhood. Thanks, in advance, for your cooperation.

Friday, February 23, 2007

...In Other News...

Kelly Clarkson and Nicolas Cage get cozy, yet creepy, at the Nextel Cup Series Daytona 500 in Florida. Oh, and Nicolas Cage looks like a level-3 sex offender. In other news...

~ A Good Old Fashion Hockey Fight! ~ ThatGuy

The Jolie-Pitt's to Adopt Their Asses Off

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are allegedly in the process of adopting, yet another, child. This time they are dipping into the kiddie-pool of Vietnam. A random source in Vietnam has told US Weekly that they have filed papers with the US Citizenship and Immigration services to adopt a boy from the Tam Binh orphanage in Ho Ch Minh City. Yeah, I don't know that 4 of those words meant.

Oh one hand I say good for them. On the other hand I say we have plenty of kids here in the US that need adopting. On the other other hand I say why do I care what they do. It's not like they asked me for permission. The point being, I have 3 hands. Why don't they just do it the old-fashioned way? Wait, are they trying to form their very own United Nations? Hmmm, interesting. I'll have to look into that.

In other Angelina Jolie news, it is rumored that she has dropped to 109 pounds (26 kilograms - I have no idea what it is in kilograms, but I'm trying to appeal to my international audience) as she has been grieving for her mom who passed away a few weeks ago. Another random source told US Weekly that, "She isn't eating. She is very lonely and desperate to make new friends." Jeeze, just buy stuff. Doesn't money make you feel better? It would make me feel better. Give me some of that money and I'll let you know.

It's Business Casual Day for Halle Berry

I'm still fighting hard to not write about anything Britney, Anna, Paris, Nicole, or Poshtoria today. It's tough. I won't lie. There is so much train-wreck out there, but I need one day off from them. I made myself a deal that I would only break my promise if any of them got arrested today and that includes Anna.

Luckily Halle Berry was out and about at the opening of Wicked and even though she is dressed business-casual she looks hot. Now you know me, I never have a ton of nice things to say, but I always have kind words for Halle. She's insanely hot. I barely even care that she was involved in that hit and run a few years back. I'm sure that persons bones are all better by now.

It's funny because there never really seems to be any news about Halle. She is train-wreck free, yet I still choose to write about her. Wait, is this what it's like to have a heart? Ouch. Love hurts. Anyway, there are rumors flying that Halle really wants to star in the next James Bond film. She is so obsessed with this that she has, allegedly, said that she would do it for free.

Who Said That!?!

More MTV Juvies, More Questions

As I may have mentioned once or twice before, I sweat many of the reality shows on MTV. Does that make me a loser? Absolutely. However admitting is the first step. Now, I know that most reality shows are not real. I've even called this out many times during "The Hills." I'm ok with that, really. What I'm not ok with is being duped by crafty "documentary-style-editing" that truly made me think that "Juvies" wasn't scripted. Well, my friends, I have an "inside source" that quickly corrected my thoughts on this.

While the majority of Juvies is real (ish) there are many moments of a bit of scripting and a bit of coaching by the producers. I'll call this "scroaching." I was contacted by one of the guards who was on Juvies and was" scroached." He wanted to let me know that when they were talking to the Juvies they were told to make things more dramatic or even say things again so the cameras could capture it. If it wasn't dramatic enough they would have to do it again. I know what you're thinking..."who doesn't know that!?!" Well, I didn't. I really thought that this was a real reality show. I guess I should have known. It's kinda like when you find out about Santa. Like, you kinda know he isn't real and then you find out and you're bummed, but then you still believe a little, but then you remember that he isn't real. Yeah, it's kinda like that for me. I guess technically I've just been "Juvie Claused."

All of this got me to thinking. These kids are under 18 so how were they filmed? They had to get their parents consent, of course. What parent would sign a waiver that would show their kids acting like animals? Do they think this will be a stepping stone for their careers? Kids, kids, kids. This isn't American Idol. You're basically in prison and on TV. You'll always be known as the bratty kid in prison. That type of behavior may get you on The Surreal Life one day, but that's it. You just literally shot yourself in the foot.

Where Have You Been: "Six" From Blossom

There come a point when you need to detox from the whole Britney Anna Nicole Hilton Richie day-to-day drama. Today is that day for me. So, my friends, I introduce to you the "Where Have You Been?" segment. Here's the deal. I clear my mind and think of the most random celebrity of yesteryear and dig them up and see what they're up to. So, today's segment is "Where Have You Been: "Six" From Blossom. That's right...Jenna von Oy everybody!

While I still am a firm believer that Myspace is the "devil" sometimes it really helps you out. That's where I found Jenna von Oy. So what's she been up to? Good question. Well, Six lives in Nashville Tennessee and is a country music singer. Yeee-haw! Six is afraid of flying and is obsessed with serial killers. I guess that's what happens when you have to look at Blossom's nose every day. Also, Jenna feels that she could never go into law enforcement because people wouldn't take her seriously and always feel that "Six from Blossom" was arresting them. Oh, did I mention I've been using "Jenna" and "Six" interchangeably. I have.

Sadly this is all that I can find about Six. I believe she is trying to "re-kickstart" her career. I'll provide Six with some unsolicited advice.

  1. Party at Hyde
  2. Forget to wear your 'underpants' and get in and out of as many cars as you can
  3. Start to dabble into the wonderful world of "Ecstasy"
  4. Crash your car on the highway
  5. Check into rehab
  6. Check out of rehab
  7. Check back into rehab
  8. Check out of rehab
  9. Create a sex tape
  10. Check into rehab
  11. Sell your sex tape
  12. Check out of rehab
  13. Repeat as necessary

If you follow these instructions you will be back on magazine covers and "The UPN" will just be a distant memory. Oh, you're welcome.

Become Jenna's Myspace Friend

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Brit Back in Rehab Again, Again, Again

She's once, twice, three times a lady in rehab. TMZ has just reported that Britney Spears had checked herself in to rehab for the 3rd time. My theory is that she has one of the "coffee punch cards" where each time you go they stamp your card and after 10 rehab visits you get your 11th for free. This could just be a stunt though as the child custody hearing scheduled by KFed today now had to be canceled due to Britney going back to rehab. My guess is that she'll be checked out by 4:42 PM EST. Who's with me. I hate to say it again, but the main problem is that she needs to go to Wonderland rehab. Wonderland. It worked "wonders" for Lindsay. I mean, look at her now! Lindsay only goes to the clubs 4 nights a week as opposed to 6. She's cured!

...In Other News...

In somewhat breaking world news, Prince Harry has officially been deployed to Iraq. When I first heard this just a few minutes ago I was thinking "Harry Potter" for some reason and wondered how that was possible. I am an idiot so it took a few second for me to understand they said Prince Harry. Good luck dude.

~ Marcia Cross Gives Birth to Twins, Can Finally Tan Again ~ Yeeeah!

Britney Uses Umbrella as Weapon

Uh-oh, things are starting to get a bit serious in the Britney Spears Saga of 2007. We may have joked about her wig/disguise and rehab behavior, but when KFed asked, last night, for an emergency hearing with the judge to talk about his child custody dispute with Britney things got a bit more serious. According to X17 Online, Britney and her assistant went to KFed's house late last night without her wig or sunglasses and buzzed his intercom (which doesn't actually mean anything sexual), but he wouldn't answer. Britney then went around the block a few times, buzzed it again, but still he wouldn't answer. Britney became so angry that she took an umbrella and began hitting the cars of the paparazzi and yelling at them. While I'm not sure exactly what she was yelling, I'm sure there were a few "y'alls" thrown in there for good measure.

I say 'good for her' in using the umbrella as a weapon. I mean, no one has been able to successfully pull that off since "The Penguin" did it in various Batman episodes. Nice work on bringing Batman back. Seriously, she looks completely insane. She is like a caricature of herself right now.

I'm sure this won't be the last we hear of Britney today. My money is on her losing custody of her kids either today or tomorrow. I think it's sad, actually. However, the thought of her swinging an umbrella at a car takes the sadness away for me.

Is It Wrong When Mischa is the Fat One?

The title for this one was really hard for me. I mean, should I go with, "Is It Wrong When Mischa is the Fat One?" or should I have gone with "3 Bitches on the Beach?" There are just so many tough choices to make in life. Anyway, Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton were enjoying their long walk on the beach in Malibu with Nicole's dog. By the way, what's up with the Inspector Gadget hat? It always reminds me of something that Freddy Krueger would wear.

Mischa has had some tough breaks lately. First, her younger sister Britney'd herself into rehab and then shortly later Mischa crashed Nicole Richie's car into another car. Ok, well not so much a crash as it was a bump, but "crash" just seems better. Mischa had just dropped off Nicole at the tanning salon when she bumped the other car and seemed pissed as she had to pull into a gas station to exchange papers with the other driver. Seriously if I was the other driver and Mischa Barton hit me in my car I would have either fallen out of my car or thrown myself through the windshield. That would have been my 15 minutes of fame. That's it, the next time I'm in LA I'm just going to drive around all day and wait to be hit.

Who Said That!?! and Who Shot Those Biotches!?!

Britney Does the Express Checkout

Britney is CURED! With just an additional 24-short hours of rehab, Britney Spears has gone the "express checkout" route and left rehab. Britney was quickly spotted coming home. Oh, she was also spotted as a character from a 1950's beach blanket bingo movie in which she sported the famous ratty blond wig, child molester sunglasses, 1950's gym-class uniform, and marble notebook that a nun must have passed on to her.

In other Britney news, the LA County Department of Children has received numerous calls to their hotline from people who are concerned about her kids safety. I mean, half of those calls were probably from me, 1/4 were probably from Sean Preston thinking he was calling Ernie and Bert, and 3/4 were from the judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial. My math is correct, right?
I look forward to Britney "getting well soon," but in the meantime I think it would be great if for the next week she started going out wearing a different Halloween costume each day. I mean, where do you really go from here?

Who Shot Beach Blanket Bingo!?!

Saint Jennifer Lopez on American Idol

Seriously, news does not get any better than this. My personal favorite, Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx, will be performing on an episode of American Idol on April 11th. Awesome! (insert sarcastic overtones here____). What would J. Glow sing? Is "Waiting For Tonight" still on the "charts?" Maybe she'll sing Bailamos? That was her, right? Even better, maybe she act out scenes from Gigli! The possibilities are really endless at this point. Look I'll never take away form J. Glow that she is super talented. Wait, did I say talented? I meant "rich." I'll never take away from J. Glow that she is super rich, but what tips and tricks will she teach these Idol contestants? I can't WAIT to listen to J. Glow sing live on Idol. I have a bad feeling about this...which is great. See you April 11th!

Who J. Glow'd!?!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

...In Other News...

Heather Mills if officially joining the new cast of "Dancing with the Stars" this season. Good for her. Similar to a pencil, I hope all the use of her leg doesn't wear it down so one leg is shorter than the other. Others who are joining the cast include: Joey Fatone, Billy Ray Cyrus, Leeza Gibbons, Laila Ali, Vincent Pastore, Apolo Anton Ohno, Paulina Porizkova, Clyde Drexler, Shandi Finnessey, and Ian Ziering (Steve Sanders, and not the "Steve Sanders" from The Hills).

...In Other News...

~ Tina Turner is 154 Yrs Old ~ DListed
~ Rock N' Rolls Worst Drivers ~ CelebritySmack
~ Why Britney Has Done What She Has Done ~ PopBytes
~ NBA Allstar Game Bitch-Fights ~ ThatGuy
~ Carmen Electra is Officially Single Again ~ HollyScoop
~ Eminem vs. Kim ~ GabSmash
~ Anna Nicole Palooza Part 438 ~ Yeeeah!
~ Jessica Simpson and...Someone...Er... ~ GossipOrTruth
~ Finally! The Answer to Why Poshtoria Beckham Never Smiles ~ POTP
~ Hottest Top 5 American Idol Females ~ NinjaDude
~ American Idol Recap. I Mean a Literal Play-by-Play ~ EvilBeet

Wanna See Britney Naked? Be Her Nanny!

According to US Weekly being a nanny for Britney Spears doesn't really entail any "children skills" at all. Sweet, I'm in! What Britney is looking for is (1) someone who is around her age so she can play with you (2) must be able to physically hold child for 23 hours, 50 minutes per day (3) be ready to see a bald Britney naked while she tries on different "outfits" for the night (4) must always be prepared to find a new job, as Britney is likely to fire you if her kids like you better.

Awesome! These are all things I can do. I've never been more qualified for a job in my entire life. Here's the rest of the details from US Weekly and what some nannies had to say:

When Spears is alone with her kids, "she gets over-whelmed," says a source. "She gets so frustrated when they cry, asking, 'How do I make it stop?' But she loves her kids."

Personal Over Professional

"Britney didn't ask me one thing about my child-care experience. She only wanted to know about my personal life."
Friend Wanted
"The agency that called me emphasized that Britney was looking for a nanny who was young and hip because they wanted her to interact with people her own age. Basically, Britney wanted a friend."
Must Like Naked Bosses
"Britney asked me and one of her nannies to come to her room to watch her try on outfits for a party one night – then she stripped down naked in front of us!"
Must Act As Surrogate Mom
"One nanny told me that Britney will hold her kids for 10 minutes and then say, 'I'm done now. You can take them."
Don't Be Too Good
"She doesn't like when Sean prefers the nanny, so she fires them and looks for a new one."