Friday, March 30, 2007

Britney and KFed Divorce Settlement

It's payday for KFed! According to, Britney Spears and KFed have finally come to an agreement in their divorce settlement. It looks like KFed may get about $1 million and will have 50/50 joint custody of "What's his face" and "The other one."
With all the money that Britney has, I kinda feel like that $1 million isn't a lot of money to "win" in the divorce settlement. If I were him, I would use the kids to get more money. For example, I would be like, "Hey Britney, the kids needs some new crap. Can I have $100,000?" Simple right? Sure. Wait, is it wrong to use kids to get money? Some countries make millions off of concepts like that. I mean sure they're called "sweatshops," but whatever. Where was I going with this? Forget it.

David Beckham Mocks His Wife's Hairdo

David Beckham wanted to show his wife, Poshtoria, how stupid her haircut was so he went out and got the same exact haircut so she would have to look at it every day too. Brilliant move. Both of them are, in some way, really paying respect to Carol Brady, but that's a whole different story. David and Poshtoria were at the Sports Industry Awards (2007) the other day. I hope he one for "Girliest Hairdo." What? That's a real award.
In other David Beckham news, D. Beck is no longer the highest paid soccer player. Ronaldinho, the two-time world player of the year, just scored the $30 million salary. Tough break Beckham. I don't know how you're going to live on just $25 million. Good luck. Next time learn how to kick the ball, dumbass.
In other Poshtoria Beckham news, US Weekly has written a nice open letter to Poshtoria requesting that she start wearing a bra. To quote them, "It is obvious to us that the bra may be a foreign concept to you, much like American football, or the good sense to avoid Tom Cruise, so allow us to explain: You're a 32-year-old woman with perky breasts that apparently like to breathe. But keep shunning that bra and in five years you'll end up with pendulums hanging off your clavicle that hubby David Beckham might mistake for soccer ball bags."
Wow you really got her, US Weekly (insert sarcastic overtone here ____)! Actually, thanks for ruining it for the rest of us. If Poshtoria wore a bra all the time, how in the hell would we ever know if there was going to be 6 more weeks of winter? Thanks for nothing.

Kelly Clarkson is Her Mom in Hawaii

When did Kelly Clarkson become a mother? Oh, and by "mother" I mean "the old Italian lady who goes to the beach, steps into the water just up to her ankles, and then bends down a bit and splashes the water on her arms like she was taking a bath." Yeah, when did she become that lady? Kelly Clarkson remains completely unsexy on the beach in a long black dress as she and her friends vacation in Hawaii. Why the dress? Never mind, maybe she can't afford a bathing suit. I think those things are really expensive.

Foxy Brown Pleads Not Guilty/Not Relevant

Foxy Brown (the other Little Kim) has plead not guilty to attacking a Florida beauty store employee. I hope she plead "not relevant" too because I don't think I've heard anything good from Foxy Brown since "Hot Spot" in 2003. At the same time, one can only comment on Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears so much. Sometimes it's nice to dig up info on some other fauxlebrities.

Anyway, Foxy Brown was accused by the employee of throwing hair glue at him when he tried to close the store for the night. Foxy then allegedly spit on him as well. Sweet. I say call her Classy Brown!

Who Shot That!?!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

...In Other News...

Heather Mills brings some back up legs to dance rehearsal for Dancing With the Stars. I don't think that's fair. When the other contestants are tired they don't get to put on new legs. I call foul! As a side note, I think she should tattoo one of the back up legs to make it more life-like...or at least bedazzle it. In other news...

Halle Berry Tried to Kill Herself

Halle Berry recently told Parade Magazine that she tried to commit suicide, a.k.a take a dirt nap after her failed marriage to David Justice. See, now I would have assumed that Halle would have tried to off herself after the movie "CatWoman," but nope, it was after a bad relationship.

So, how was Halle going to do it? Toaster in the bathtub? Running into traffic? Sitting through a Celine Dion concert? Nope, nope, and perhaps. Actually, Halle was going to pull the old "sit in the car (with it turned on) while parked in the garage and take a nap" suicide attempt.

Halle says in the interview:

"I was sitting in my car, and I knew the gas was coming, when I had an image of my mother finding me. She sacrificed so much for her children, and to end my life would be an incredibly selfish thing to do. It was all about a relationship. My sense of worth was so low. I promised myself I would never be a coward again."

Well thank God she didn't go through with it. We certainly don't need any hot dead celebrities. The ugly ones can do what they want (I'm talking to you Diane Keaton), but not the hot ones.
Time for an IBBB Public Service Announcement: Suicide is a very serious thing and not to be taken lightly. If you think you know someone who may be trying to take a dirt nap or has indicated that they want to take a dirt nap....or as even erased all their saved shows on their Tivo, please get them help immediately. The more you know. Ding, ding, dong.

Moving on, the photos above are from a photo opp for Halle's new movie "Perfect Stranger" while she was in Madrid. Perfect timing to drum up some free publicity!

America's Next Top Model: Dieting Plus Sized Models, Huh?

Resident America's Next Top Model recapper, Jenny, is back once again for her thoughts on the train-wreck that is America's Next Top Model. Let's see what her thoughts are this time around:
  • I don't understand Natasha's hair. Is it crimped, or is it a Halloween wig?And why does Natasha make cat noises at her husband when she talks to him on the phone?
  • Why is the plus size model dieting? Aren't plus size models supposed to be plus?
  • The models get a lesson on how to dress. Russian chick tries to make some kind of point and the fashion directors literally look at her like she just said: "Space aliens are outside waiting to pick me up in a spaceship made out of sneakers."
  • It's competition time and the girls have to break into groups, dress up like mannequins and pretend they are in a store window. At one point, Russian chick says it's ok to spell words however you want to. Really? I wonder if the nuns who gave me my spelling tests in grammar school would agree with that. Probably not. They would probably hit me with a ruler and make me say three Hail Mary's.
  • Sara wins the individual prize and wins some type of something with Jay and her own pictures. Nonsense. I would be pissed if I was her since last week's prize was a $40,000 bracelet.
  • During this week's photo shoot, the girls dress up like guys, and pose with guys who dress up like women. And people wonder why America's youth is a mess.
  • Jaslene is a nautical man on his yacht. Ok. She seriously looks like a hobo under a bridge.
  • Jael is a bohemian man. She looks like a child molester from 1984.
  • Whitney kinda looks like the Reverend Al Sharpton.
  • Natasha looks like K-Fed and makes a better K-Fed, than K-Fed himself.
  • For the 5th week in a row, Tyra does one hell of a Russian accent. Can she hear herself?
  • Blah, blah, blah Diana gets kicked off.
  • Now there is only one full figured model "still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model." My question is, why does Tyra act like she can't get her arms around her when she hugs her goodbye? She is ridiculous.

Christina Aguilera is My Actual Nana

My Nana was pissed when Lindsay Lohan stole her shorts a few months ago. Well, my Nana is up in arms again since Christina Aguilera stole her boots, scarf, pink bag, hairnet, and sweater. I mean it's one thing to rob rich people, but mugging my poor old Nana is just down right wrong! These crimes against the elderly must stop!

Christina Aguilera was caught with all my Nana's stuff as she left the Mercer Hotel in New York with her little dogs....her dumb little dogs. Yeah, I said it. Dumb. Anyway, Christina was just taking a little break from her tour, Back to Basics(ally crap). As a side note, it was like in the 50's - 60's in NYC over the weekend. She's dressed for Antarctica ski season.

Mary-Kate is a 90's Business Woman

Mary-Kate Olsen (bonus points for me knowing which Olsen it was) is clearly a 1990's business woman. She has the big pants and hikes them all the way up past her waist and towards her little Olsen chest. This is the type of outfit that's perfect for a bank teller, young professor, or even greeter at a small town flower shop. I'm just psyched she doesn't look homeless, although I do miss the homeless Olsen. I always felt that the streets were safer when there was a homeless Olsen roaming around. I guess the old saying is true. You don't know what you've got until it's gone bank teller chic.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

...In Other News...

~ American Idol Sideboob! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Sanjaya's Sister is Manlier Than Sanjaya ~ FatBack
~ Michael Jackson: The 50 Foot Molester ~ AgentBedHead
~ The Aniston/Cox Kiss ~ NinjaDude
~ Lindsay's Newest Boyfriend of the Day ~ Yeeeah!
~ An Olsen Wants a New Nose ~ HollyScoop

Breaking News: Paris Hilton Not a Virgin!

You guys are not going to believe this. Paris Hilton is not a virgin. I know, I know and Milli Vanilli didn't really sing either. It appears that Paris Hilton may have lost her little old virginity to Randy Spelling, the son of Aaron Spelling and brother of Tori Spelling. Randy Spelling has told the New York Daily News that he and Paris had sex when she was only 15 and a virgin. The two were together for 2-months at the time. At one point, these two crazy and pimply kids went to a hotel in Palm Springs for the weekend, but couldn't check in Paris's name because "her grandma was looking for her." Wow buddy, really? You've hit an all time low for publicity. I now refuse to even mention your new reality show.

Oh, and 15...huh? Considering that is 3 years under the legal age of consent in California, Randy is lucky that Chris Hanson of Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" wasn't hiding in her kitchen just waiting for Randy to show up.

Who Said That!?! and Who Shot That!?!

Meredith Viera Sprouts Pillow-Ass

By now all of the world has seen Meredith Viera smash her head on the ice at Rockefeller Center in NYC while Live on the air interviewing Will Farrell for his new skating comedy, "Blades of Glory." While I don't care much about what goes on with Meredith Viera I feel obligated to write something as I was actually there to witness the fall in NYC and, well, I never get to report on anything I actually see with my own eyes. So, my faithful IBBB readers, I present to you a new little segment I like to call: "IBBB Brush With Fame, Probably Not a Good Story, But a Story Nonetheless." Catchy title, right?

So, here's how it went down. I arrive at Rockefeller Center and see a large crowd of a few hundred people around the ice rink looking down at a few people skating. Like the award winning reporter I am, I ask what's going on. People point to Will Ferrell and Meredith Viera on the ice doing an interview. Oh, I don't have a camera either, so I try to use my 1987 camera-cell phone to take a few pictures, but am too far away. It's at that moment that Will Farrell heads out on the ice with his hands up and the crowd starts cheering and laughing. I'm a huge Will Farrell fan, but even I am wondering why people are laughing. He didn't do anything, really. Anyway, Meredith then attempts to go under his legs on her ice skates and almost gets stuck. No joke, she's moving in slow motion. It's then that she pops out of the other side of this legs and smashes her head on the ice. No joke, the crowd gasps and all you hear is one "ohhhhhhhhhh" in unison. I was like, wait am I sitting in the studio audience of Full House or Saved By the Bell? Meredith then kinda gets up on her knees and laughs. I'm looking for blood on the ice.
Well, that concludes my segment: "IBBB Brush With Fame, Probably Not a Good Story, But a Story Nonetheless." Riveting, right? Sure, some celebrity bloggers camp out in front of Hyde in LA to spot Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Not me. I accidentally stroll down to Rockefeller Center to watch a middle-aged woman fall on ice skates and bump her head. Then I report on it. Not even with my own pictures. 2 days later. Jealous?

The Harriet Carter Crapalog

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! I'm still trying to make it into the Harriet Carter Crapalog, but nothing to report yet. This week Harriet covers some food, a horse, and an old lady. Pervert. Let's go!
Product # 1 - Do your kids ever yell to you, "Hey Mom? What disgusting time is it?" You, of course yell back, "I don't know, what does the gross pizza clock say?" Seriously? A pizza clock? Why? Why are they bragging that it's so life like? It even says "Now that's Italian!" Really Harriet? Really? That's racist you whore. Pizza isn't even Italian. Why don't you just say that clock is in the Mafia? You better "watch" your back. Pun intended, douche bag. The pepperoni isn't even lined up correctly? The 6 is kinda where the 7 is. Nice job confusing your kids, just for a laugh. Why would people think this is funny? I'd be embarrassed for whoever owned this. I mean, this may be "all the rage" at the trailer park, but in the rest of the world you just look like an idiot. Now eat it Harriet. Eat it!
Product # 2 - Is your elderly spouse a real "downer?" Is your "fun time" having to do all the house chores ruined by your elderly spouse screaming or ringing the bell? Well, if the duct-tape over the mouth didn't work and breaking the bell didn't stop them, maybe you should try this high-pitched alert alarm! Once pressed you can even hear it while your doing all of "his" yard work. Sure it's so loud that you're going to think that someone has declared jihad on your house and you'll, of course, raise your own "terror alert" level to red, but at least you'll be at his beckon call. Wouldn't it just be easier to strap this person to your back? Or at least tie a rope around their belt and just drag them around the house.
Product # 3 - Do you ever feel like your kids are too original? Horrifying, I know! One easy way to stunt their creativity and originality is to buy them Harriet Carter's "tracing tool" which I believe actually just consists of a piece of plastic that reflects. Awesome. Don't encourage your kids to draw the horse they want, just tell them to trace a horse that's already there! Why waste time with your imagination? Someone has probably already thought up something you'll eventually think up, so just take the easy way out and copy other people! Thanks Harriet Carter for trying to slowly turn our youth back into a Nazi society. See you in hell, Hitler.

Sanjaya Literally Murdered Gwen Stefani

Ok, so I admit I haven't been keeping up with all of the American Idol "hoopla" Yeah, I said it. Hoopla. However I couldn't miss what Sanjaya would do. Gwen Stefani was the musical influence this week. Fast forward (thank you Tivo) to Sanjaya. Now if there was a camera on me when I saw him you would get the full effect, but here is literally what I thought as Sanjaya came out one stage: "Oh for the love of all that is good and pure in the world, what in the Christ is this?" Sure, most people thought it was a Mohawk, but not me. I immediately thought he was channeling "Red" from Fraggle Rock. Can you technically perm a Mohawk? Then....he sings.

Technically, it's not singing. He's talking. He's sorta singing. He's talk-singing. Actually he's whining. I think I even heard a whimper at one point. Why would he sing "Bath Water" by Gwen Stefani (No Doubt)? Why would he do that? Stop talk-singing Sanjaya. Stop at once! Gwen must have been pissed. I would have washed his mouth out with soap. How is it possible that Gwen is more manly than Sanjaya? And what in the hell were those dance moves? Did he learn that at his "how to molest kids and not get caught" seminar? I mean, that's where I learned mine. And why is he smiling so damn much? I wouldn't smile if I were him. I'd cry the whole time. The ENTIRE time. From the moment I got on stage to when the song finally ends, I would cry. Ball my eyes out.

All I can say is that I pray to my sweet Jesus that Sanjaya stays until J. Lo joins the show. There isn't anything I want more than for Sanjaya to either sing "Waiting for Tonight" or have a duet with J. Glow. Everyone, please pray. Now.

Jessica From Laguna Beach Arrested

Seriously, Jessica will still do whatever it takes to get with Jason from Laguna Beach. This time, she's mimicked his arrest when she was busted on suspicion of felony driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Allegedly, Jessica crashed into an Acura on the Santa Ana Freeway and caused "great bodily injury" to people in both cars.

The reports that was filed claimed that her level of intoxication, unsafe speed, and wet roads caused the crash. Are they sure it was the camera crew in her car? Jessica is sitting in an Orange County jail on 100,000 awaiting her court date. I wonder if she'll bring Jason?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

...In Other News...

~ Lindsay and Robbie Sitting in a Rehab Tree ~ CelebritySmack
~ Thora Birch's Dad is a Perv ~ EvilBeet
~ Snoop's Vacation Ends ~ HollyScoop
~ Poshtoria's Boobs Say Hello ~ AgentBedHead
~ Britney Spears Hearts Jesus ~ NinjaDude
~ I'm Searching For White Trash. Thanks KFed! ~ FatBack
~ Does Halle Berry Suffer From Wonky Eye? ~ Yeeeah
~ Wynonna Files for Divorce ~ DListed
~ J Lo Wears a Picnic Table Cover ~ Glunp

MTV The Hills: Whitney Falls Down the Stairs

There are hardly any episodes left of The Hills this season and, clearly, they are saving the best for last. Oh, and by "best" I mean "the one where Whitney falls down the stairs." I couldn't care less what happens in the rest of the episode, as long as I get to see Whitney go "sledding" down a flight of stairs I'm content. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not heartless. I even laugh when I fall. I just wish it was filmed. Sadly, it isn't. Luckily, Whitney's fall is filmed. Anyway, here are my brilliant, yet puzzling, thoughts on the latest episode of The Hills:
  • Woo-hoo! Emily the "super intern" is back baby! I am convinced that Emily is the daughter of Lisa Loveless. They definitely look like "mother/daughter." Not like Lindsay Lohan/Dina Lohan mother/daughter, but like legit mother/daughter.

  • After two seasons, I just noticed that the opening credits mainly consist of the girls each doing the same "face" with their mouth open and head tilted to the side. Good for them!

  • Why does Whitney say "fashion contributor" and put it in "air quotes?" I mean, is that the title or not?

  • Steve Sanders and Heidi eat Fajitas. Does Steve perm his hair?

  • "The girls" have to work the Good Morning America Fashion Show.
  • I wonder why the music they chose for this scene with Emily walking in is "La Cucaracha" which is Spanish for "the cockroaches." No joke. That's actually the song they are playing. If I were Spanish I would write a letter. I'm not, so I won't.

  • Lauren Howell is back too. If you remember her from the last time, all the direction she gave the girls the last time was to make sure the area wasn't "chaotic." Yup, she literally gives the same advice this time. Helpful. Somehow, though, Whitney still seems confused.

  • The editor from Vogue is talking so high I can't even hear him. Only dogs can hear him at this point.

  • In my favorite "scripted moment" of the episode, Whitney surprisingly gets picked to be a model at the fashion show! Who would have guessed that!?! Certainly not me. Kids, let me give some advice to you out there. You're not going to go from intern to "model." It's not going to happen. Study hard.

  • Yes! Here it is! Cue Whitney! Live on Good Morning America, Whitney slides right down the last 10 steps. Oh, they make this look like it's "Live" and I believe that it is, but it looks like they just taped up a "live" sign and stuck it to the top corner of the screen. Ghetto. Clearly, I loved it.

  • Emily really helps by saying, "at least you didn't really fall, like really fall." Yeah, no she literally fell. Legit.

  • Something is wrong with me. I actually feel bad for her. What is happening to my heart? What is this feeling? This must stop. STAT! Quick, Heidi say something stupid! Steve Sanders, quick cram more teeth in your mouth. Ahhh that's better. I'm back.

  • Lisa Loveless even has a heart and says some nice words to Whitney about "the fall." I'm not paying attention to what she is saying, because I wonder if she sweats Whitney.

  • As a surprise twist, Whitney may become the manager of all the interns. Kids, anything is possible. If Whitney can do it so can you!

  • Sweet, Heidi won't move in with Steve Sanders so he kicks her out of his car. What is Heidi's comeback? She legit slams the door and says "stupid car." Awesome. P.S Why are Heidi's shoulders always so high? Does she have asthma?

What will become of these two? Will Steve Sanders and Heidi break up for good? Will there be a season three? Will my mind completely rot? No, yes, and yes.

Tyra Banks is the American Dream?

For me it's a real toss up on who my favorite resident "crazy" is. I mean, do I go with Dina Lohan or do I go with Tyra Banks. I think that Tyra is consistently crazy so I may have to go with her. Anyway, while Kimora Lee Simmons debuted her KLS collection, Tyra Banks single-handedly made each photo opportunity about herself. Brilliant. Tyra started with "out-kissing" Kimora, then "out-smiled" another guest, and then closed the event by "out-eating" the guests at dinner. Good for her.

Anyway, since I heart Tyra's ability to make everything about herself I found this short article from Forbes Magazine when they asked Tyra what she thought the American Dream was. Let's read together, shall we?
"The American Dream is about fulfilling your potential to the max. It’s not a chase for material goods, it's about learning what inspires you in life and creating a plan to turn it into your life's work.... I guess I'm traditional in that I believe hard work and determination have a lot to do with achieving one's dreams. When I was a model, my dream was to have a talk show, so I made a plan to do it--and look at me now."
Don't get me wrong, Tyra has made a success out of herself. Great! I'd kill for her money. I like how Tyra basically says that she is the American Dream without actually having to say it. Pure brilliance.

Donatella Versace Takes a Digger

Oh, poor Tanatella Versmokey! While she was attending Elton John's birthday fiesta, Tanatella took a major digger (insert Boston accent here ____) right up the stairs and got all wet. Luckily her tan did not wash away in the rain and she didn't rip her dress. Her protective 15 layers of caked-on makeup really cushioned her fall and protected her face from getting all smashed up. As someone had brilliantly noted, check out the look on Teri Hatcher's face in the background. Some say "shock" while I say "botox."

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Gimme A Break

Dry your eyes, but I will not be around to help rot your brain on Monday with mindless celebrity stories and commentary. I will be traveling to Tajikistan to adopt some of the left-over children that Angelina Jolie didn't want. On my way home I will be stopping off in the Bahamas to supply my DNA just to double check that I am not the father of Anna Nicole's baby. I will make it home just in time to watch Whitney from "The Hills" fall down a flight of stairs on Monday night.

So, I was racking my brain trying to think of the one thing I would want to leave you to entertain you all day on Monday while I'm gone. It immediately hit me. You should be enjoying the theme song to season 2 of the hit TV show "Gimme a Break" sung by my favorite (after Dina Lohan) Nell Carter! After you watch this opening scene for the 14th time, please check out some of my blogging friends sites. Wait, was there any punctuation needed in that previous sentence?

Heather Mills: Wooden Cameltoe?

It seems like just yesterday I was talking about a "first for cameltoe" when Nelly Furtado introduced the "denim cameltoe." However, now it seems like the cameltoe continues to break new ground. Heather Mills, from Dancing With the Stars, is introducing "wooden cameltoe." This really brings the cameltoe to a whole new level since the wooden leg adds a bit of mystery to the cameltoe itself. One wonders, "Where does the wooden leg connect and how will the wooden leg impact the cameltoe region." Don't worry, my friends, this is what the great philosophers of our time have been pondering for years.

Heather Mills is caught with her wooden cameltoe leaving a West Hollywood dance studio. It is been reported that Heather is claiming that she will do a "trick" with her leg in one of the dance numbers. Seriously, unless she takes her leg off during the dance and plays it like a guitar, I'm not interested.

Award winning journalism. Award winning.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Britney Spears Alive and Wiggin'

Britney Spears is fresh outta rehab and back on the town. With the days of the "anti-Christ" being behind her, Britney felt it was time for some sushi so she "headed" off to Shu-Sushi House Onico. Technically, I don't know what two of those words meant.

Britney is out celebrating after she won a bit of a legal battle against a certain "John Doe" (not me) who was leaking stories about her while she was at Camp Promises Rehab in Malibu. Get ready to get a legal education here at IBBB. This "emergency injunction" is against that mystery person who was blabbing all of Britney's random secrets in rehab. This "injunction" is intended to "restrain the person or persons known as "John Doe"...from further disclosures invading her privacy."

Britney is also trying to force some "U.K. media organizations" to reveal their secret source(s) so that Britney can take specific legal action against them. Oh crap the janitor is screwed!

It's good to see Britney not chained to a bed anymore and with all the different wigs she now has, Britney can really give Jan Brady a real run for her money. Some people are saying that it's going to be hard to tell if it's really Britney because of all of the different color wigs. My thoughts? White trash doesn't discriminate, it knows no color.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Marcia Brady Was a Skinny Coke Head

If it wasn't the 1970's Maureen McCormick, Marsha Brady, would have shaved off her hair and used an umbrella as a weapon too, but it was the 1970's so she settled for a good old fashion eating disorder and cocaine habit.

Maureen McCormick admits to People Magazine that she used to snort coke and she even suffered from bulimia. As the old saying goes, "what comes first the drugs or the bulimia?" Well, in Marsha's case her bulimia came first once she turned 17 and had to go back to public high-school. It was her boyfriend (not Dougie Goodwin) who introduced her to cocaine. He was like, Marsha I want you to meet someone. This is cocaine. Cocaine, this is Marsha. The two quickly became friends and Marsha couldn't get enough of her new friend.

Maureen then realized that she had an addictive personality and after several relapses she claims that she has cleaned herself up through a combination of therapy and her faith.

Somewhere right now, probably in a dumpster, Jan Brady is smiling.

Who Said That!?!

Paris Takes a Cab, World Implodes

After a night of partying at Teddy's in Hollywood, Paris Hilton decided to try out what it's like to be every other American and take a filthy cab home instead of driving her Mercedes into a guard rail on the freeway. Paris sorta looks like she doesn't even want her skin toughing the seat, although I'm sure the back of a cab is a bit cleaner than Paris is.

In other Paris Hilton news, attornies are planning on filing theft charges against a bunch of screeners at LAX who are suspected to have stolen Paris Hilton's watch and some other items from her luggage. Poor guys. All they wanted was to make some quick money once they took Paris' stuff, but now they face charges and possibly even caught syphilis from her junk. That'll teach 'em.

Who Claims This!?! and Who Shot Paris!?!

Katharine McPhee Makes Cover of "Self Magazine." Bulimia Pays Off.

Katharine McPhee, who recently struggled with an eating disorder, has landed the cover of Self Magazine. My favorite part is that right above her picture is a line that says, "Lose Every Extra Pound!"

Is it just me or does Kitty Kat McPhee only have one facial expression in, literally, every single photo she's in? It's always the good old, "mouth open with the feeling 'I'm having fun.'" Yeah we get it, Kat, you're happy. Katharine was posing up a storm (with the same facial expression) at the VH1 Hollywood's Tightest Bodies party the other night and promoting her new "healthy living" attitude. I have no idea what that means. Kat may need the "Tyra Banks Pose-Off Boot Camp."

What Killed Anna Nicole Smith?

Doh! Worse than an American Idol "after the break" cliffhanger, the zany and wacky doctor in the Anna Nicole Smith case now knows what has killed her, but will leave us hanging until Monday at 10:30 AM. What Dr. Perper is going to disclose to the public is "going to be a significant announcement," according to the spokesperson for the Seminole Police Department.

I'm going to wager a few guess on what I think killed Anna Nicole. Let's see if I'm right on Monday:
  • Anna chocked to death on Sugar-Pie's hairball
  • Zsa Zsa Gabor bitch-slapped her to death
  • Her boobs exploded
  • She snorted Trimspa and karate kicked her way out of a 4 story building
  • Global warming

My money is on Global Warming, as it is a silent killer. Wait, or is that Carbon Monoxide?

Who Said That!?!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

...In Other News...

Gisele Not Pregnant; Hot Again

So Gisele, after 3 weeks, has decided to tell the world that she is not pregnant with Tom Brady's baby. Yeah, way to tackle this rumor so quickly. You could have given birth by now. Gisele was on the Spanish TV show, Corazon de Primavera, which is Spanish for "Tell Me You're Pregnant" when Gisele claimed the following:

"It's crazy how people can make up these stories. I'm not pregnant and I'm not planning to be pregnant anytime soon. I have so many contracts to do, so many projects. It's just something I don't want now - it's something for the future...I'm 26 years old, for Christ's sake! Why would I have a baby now?"

Uh, Gisele please don't take the Lord's name in vain. Rude. I know so many young women who put off pregnancy because they "have so many contracts to do," but in the end they didn't and ended up pregnant and living in the projects. So, you're on a slippery slope Gisele.
Oh, and by the way, prove your not pregnant. I don't care you "said" you're not pregnant. I need you to prove it. Hold a press conference and repeatedly do shots of vodka on camera. That will convince me. Until then I will always think you are "with child." Even 2 years from now I'll think it. I'll just assume you had an extra long pregnancy.