Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Sanjaya Literally Murdered Gwen Stefani

Ok, so I admit I haven't been keeping up with all of the American Idol "hoopla" Yeah, I said it. Hoopla. However I couldn't miss what Sanjaya would do. Gwen Stefani was the musical influence this week. Fast forward (thank you Tivo) to Sanjaya. Now if there was a camera on me when I saw him you would get the full effect, but here is literally what I thought as Sanjaya came out one stage: "Oh for the love of all that is good and pure in the world, what in the Christ is this?" Sure, most people thought it was a Mohawk, but not me. I immediately thought he was channeling "Red" from Fraggle Rock. Can you technically perm a Mohawk? Then....he sings.

Technically, it's not singing. He's talking. He's sorta singing. He's talk-singing. Actually he's whining. I think I even heard a whimper at one point. Why would he sing "Bath Water" by Gwen Stefani (No Doubt)? Why would he do that? Stop talk-singing Sanjaya. Stop at once! Gwen must have been pissed. I would have washed his mouth out with soap. How is it possible that Gwen is more manly than Sanjaya? And what in the hell were those dance moves? Did he learn that at his "how to molest kids and not get caught" seminar? I mean, that's where I learned mine. And why is he smiling so damn much? I wouldn't smile if I were him. I'd cry the whole time. The ENTIRE time. From the moment I got on stage to when the song finally ends, I would cry. Ball my eyes out.

All I can say is that I pray to my sweet Jesus that Sanjaya stays until J. Lo joins the show. There isn't anything I want more than for Sanjaya to either sing "Waiting for Tonight" or have a duet with J. Glow. Everyone, please pray. Now.

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