Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Tricky Little Harriet Carter Wednesday

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday everybody! Harriet really came though again this week by covering the church, stupid criminals, and your common pervert peeping-Tom. It's almost like the Harriet Carter crapalog catches fire as soon as you open it. Let's go!

Product # 1 - I mean let's face it, who doesn't want a whole book of Church recipes? With the financial crisis that the church is in due to all the sexual molestation cases it has against it, I really hope that some of this recipe book's profits goes to paying that debt off. I think a "Church Supper" sounds kind of gross. It's this for poor people? Poor people typically don't have the best food choices. I have a feeling this recipe book consists of "Water Popsicles," vanilla pudding and a "Communion gingerbread house." Truth be told I'm sure the "Church" whipped up some really good dishes like:
  • Pedophile Parmigiana
  • Diddler Diavlo
  • "Don't Tell Your Parents" Pesto
  • "Father Sticky Fingers" Flan
  • Class Action Lawsuit Lasagna

Thanks Harriet for spreading your filthy treats to the public.

Product # 2 - Do you feel like you're only an amateur stalker? Do you want to go pro? Well now you can with Harriet Carter's "Night Scope." While this product's description states, "Ideal for bird and wildlife watching....keep one in your car to help locate street signs and house numbers!"
Uh, yeah. Not so much. Who has that hard of a time locating street signs that you need this night vision tool? It should say, "keep one in your car so that when you're hiding in a tree and peeping through your neighbors window you can easily see inside even at night!" Harriet Carter, you're a filthy pervert and should be ashamed of yourself. I'll take two.

Product # 3 - Live in a dangerous neighborhood? Want to stay protected fro burglars? Are you stupid and cheap? Well does Harriet have a product for you! Now you can purchase this fake deadbolt. Yes, fake. It's actually a self-stick fake deadbolt. Yes, self-stick. The description literally says, "Imitation deadbolt fools intruders into thinking they have no shot at breaking into your home." Uh, really? Are these blind cartoon burglars? Burglars usually have guns with them, no? Yeah, they're probably going to be able to shoot that "imitation deadbolt" off the door. Oh, and it they don't have a gun they could easily tear that deadbolt off the door. If they don't have hands, they could wait for a light breeze to blow that deadbolt off the door. Do they really have "no shot" at breaking into your home? Do burglars usually go up to a house and say, "Oh crap it's locked. Oh well, off to the next house!" I hope Harriet has this on her house. If only I had her address...


That's what she said...

Love the fake deadbolt. Harriet should also sell a stuffed animal dog that makes life-like barking sounds...That might also make a burglar say "yikes!"

Anonymous said...

I'll take three of the peel & stick deadbolts, please! I feel safer already ;).

Anonymous said...

Just have to say I LOVE Harriet Carter Wednesday's. It's like a little dose of crack to help me get through the rest of the week. Ok, maybe it's not like crack--I don't really know since I've never actually done crack before--but I always end up reading HCW and laughing so hard that I'm on the verge of peeing my pants. So maybe it is like crack in that respect. Either way it's high-larious.

Anonymous said...

Awesome Harriet Carter Wednesday.
I was pissing myself laughing and got kicked out of the library. All worth it though. :)

I found a real good one on the Harriet Carter website. Just tpye "Golf Mouse Pad" in the search box. I can image your post already.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I am a little late reading this week. Can you please tell me where I can get the Church recipes? Father Dick was just wondering.

Signed,, Sister No Pants

Anonymous said...

I recently had 12 of my friends over and used the church cook book. Heavenly :) Add a little wine (blood red of course) and I guarantee it won't be your last supper!

Anonymous said...

That's a great home security system! You put the peel-and-stick deadbolt on your door and, according to Harriet, never worry about losing your keys again! Never lock the door!