Thursday, May 31, 2007

...In Other News...

The American Idol kids stopped by MTV the other day and shared an awkward and painful kiss for the cameras. Yeah, they both look like they're really into it. Be careful, Jordin, that's how you get pregnant. Just ask your mother. In other news...

~ Britney Eats Herself ~ CelebritySmack
~ Saint Jennifer Lopez Doesn't Look Psyched ~ EvilBeet
~ Nicole Richie With Child? ~ PopBytes
~ The Dude from Frasier is Wicked Gay ~ DListed
~ KFed Gets Work ~ AgentBedHead
~ Did Britney Piss Her Dress? ~ DrunkenStepFather
~ Beyonce Shows a Little Something ~ NinjaDude
~ Celine Dion's Son? ~ Yeeeah
~ Retro Dina Lohan ~ MollyGood
~ Elisabeth Shue is Alive ~ GossipOrTruth
~ Kobe Bryant Wants to be Traded. Trader. ~ HollyScoop
~ Happy Birthday Shiloh. You Suck. ~ POTP

Nelly Furtado Pulls a Renee Zellweger

Nelly Furtado arrived last night at Mansion, a club in South Beach that "all the kids are wild about." Nelly was performing "Man Eater," "Time to an End," and "Promiscuous," but not before she performed her best Renee Zellweger impression. Yeah, no real news about Nelly, but figured I'd call it out that I thought she was mocking Renee. Ok fine, I'll find some real Nelly news for you.
Nelly explains why her latest album is tearing up the charts. She kinda blames her daughter.

"I think I started recording this album the same month I stopped nursing my daughter. Maybe I did feel liberated. I finally went, 'Oh my body's finally mine again - yippee!' You have a lot to write about, too. That's why the album' an emotional whirlwind.''
Uh, ok. So to all you moms out there that just finished breast-feeding....write an'll become famous and rich. It's a real formula for success (pun sorta intended).

Read the Rest of the 50 page Article Here

Breaking News: Nicole Richie Still a Stick

Wait, are the cops there to arrest Nicole Richie for being too thin? That would be my first guess, but I hear she had to call the police because there were too many paparazzi following her while she just tried to get a pedicure and manicure. Seriously, she's a stick-figure. Now I'm not big into stereotypes, but aren't Asian women typically known for being super thin? Yeah, they all look fat compared to Nicole. No joke, they look like sumo-wrestlers when sitting next to her. I think technically they could use Nicole as the nail file. What? I'm just saying.

Am I Wrong? Part III

Back by popular demand is a little segment I like to call, "Am I Wrong?" No seriously, am I wrong? This segment will have a bit of a New York vibe to it, as I am living in the city now.
  • Why the hell are there so many people on the street? And why is everyone holding a blackberry? They're not that small. You kinda look like your holding a laptop. Keep it in your bag. I don't think you're important. Am I wrong?
  • Why do most restaurants automatically add a 20% tip to your bill when there are 6 of you at the table? Really? Is the 6th person really that much more work than the 5th person? Do you think that all of a sudden when there are 6 people at the table we would NEVER be able to figure out the tip? I always tip 20%, but don't force me to. It kinda makes me think that you think that I'm dumb. Am I wrong?
  • How many charities are there in NYC and why are they all begging for money on the street? Look, I know that they're trying to raise money, but why are you yelling to me that all you need is a penny? Really? A penny? Aren't pennies almost out of circulation? How will a penny help? I actually don't believe it. Sure, maybe like 76 million pennies might help, but just one? I doubt it. If you're going to be standing on the street yelling for money, at least think big. Go for a nickle or something. Am I wrong?
  • Am I good luck for the Red Sox in New York? The Yankees are down 13 games to the Red Sox. What? I had to throw it in there. Am I wrong?
  • How come homeless people are obsessed with shopping carriages? You know what? Just stay in one place. Why do you need so much stuff? I mean, you're living on the street. Are you just showing off to your other homeless friends? You're all like, "Hey Bert, sorry I gotta go. I'm moving up the street. Let me just take alllll my stuff and toss it in my shopping carriage and push it up the street." You know what? Nobody like a bragger. Just stick to being homeless. What? Am I wrong?
  • Hot enough for ya? Why do people always ask me this? It's either "hot enough for ya" or "cold enough for ya?" You know what? Yeah. It is hot enough for me. It's like 100 degrees and with the humidity it's like 150 degrees. Stop asking me that. And what the hell is "hot enough?" Enough for what? Enough for who? I don't even know how to respond to you. I feel awkward. Does anyone answer "no" to this question? Does someone say, "hot enough for ya" and you're like "no it isn't. I need it about 10 degrees hotter." Kill yourself. Oh, and stop asking me that on the elevator. What? Am I wrong?
  • Any big plans for the weekend? That's another question I get all the time. What do you mean "big plans?" Yeah, I'm curing cancer this weekend, why? I can never live up to your "big plans" question. My "big plans" consist of drinking beers and by you calling it "big plans" makes me feel like I'm not doing something good enough. Thanks for making me feel like a loser. Am I wrong?

Britney Wears Her Lingerie Outside

Britney was out and about yesterday wearing but I can only imagine is Claire Huckstable's lingerie. No joke, I think that's what Claire used to wear to bed in almost all of the Cosby episodes. She used to "sass" Cliff Huckstable when she'd wear that. Oh, and by "sass" I really mean "sass." As a side note, why does Britney always carry everything she owns? I feel like every picture I see of her consists of her carrying like 20 different things. Seriously, by a bag retard. Or, she could always store some of that junk in her wig, which seems to be getting bigger and longer by the day. As a second side note, Britney was recently filmed by the paparazzi saying that she hopes Lindsay is ok and that her car really looked messed up and it was scary. Really? Britney Spears is now the person to go to when celebrities enter rehab? Seriously? Isn't this the same girl who was rumored to have puked on herself in a club the other night and had to be carried out by her friends? Yeah, thanks for the "well wishes" Britney.
Who Shot Claire Huckstables Lingerie?!?

Harriet Carter Thursday??

No I haven't gone crazy (well I have, but that's another story) and I know that Harriet Carter is only for Wednesday's, but I saw the absolute brilliance in the fact that I got a promotional email from Harriet Carter late last night...Wednesday. I thought it was fitting that Harriet would send out her emails technically on Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Very fitting. As you can see, clearly Harriet feels that you'll need lights in your yard this summer. However, normal lights won't just do. No, no. You need solar lights in the shape of birds and butterflies. Is she kidding? Seriously, it kinda looks like she just used the Bedazzler on a cheap crystal bird that they used to sell in the middle of the mall in 1991. Oh wait, she did. You know what Harriet? Go light up your own yard. That crap attracts mosquitos and I don't want to get bitten during my late night swim. Thanks for bringing back Triple E (EEE), Harriet.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Aretha? Have You Called Jenny Yet? Oh You Did? Good!

I'm sure you could tell by today's random blog posts I need a little break from the Lindsay's, Britney's, Paris', and Nicole Richie's of the world and see what else is going on. When this happens it usually entails me thinking of random celebrities that are the opposite of who I usually write about and seeing what they're up to. Therefore I present to you, Aretha Franklin. Did you know/care that Aretha is getting married next month? Yup, she is. And like any bride she's looking to drop about 250 pounds before she walks (slowly) down the aisle. Well if it worked for Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertonelli it can certainly work for Aretha and so Aretha has called Jenny (Craig) to help her lose the weight. However, don't look for Aretha to be the next spokesperson for Jenny Craig because she seems to be bitching about the program even though she knows it works. The Aretha Monster has told "Sister 2 Sister" magazine (yes, that actually does exist),

"I'm at 1,750 calories a day and I'm just have to get used to the portions and changing your lifestyle. I lost 23 or 24 pounds to begin with, but it's kind of a strain when you get to 23 or 24 pounds. That's why I got off of it. It's a strain because you're eating the Jenny Craig type meals, which are very good. But you can only eat them for so long before you want some barbecue ribs or some pigs feet. Once you get off that Jenny Craig thing you start eating what you've been eating, it's all over."

Yeah, uh Aretha? Yeah, I don't ever want pigs feet. I don't want to think about eating pigs feet. I don't want to think about you binging on pigs feet. See? Great. Now I'm picturing Aretha Franklin wearing cut-off jean shorts, sitting on the floor in front of her refrigerator, and eating pigs feet and crying. Gross. I gotta go now.

Who Said That!?!

Dear Sally Field

Dear Sally Field,

Please stop. No really, stop. I personally don't think I can take another minute of watching one of your "Boniva" commercials. I get it, you have osteoporosis. Wait, do you though? Or are you just "acting?" I see you talking to the camera and telling me all about your friend that has to set time aside once a week to take her osteoporosis medication. What the hell does that entail? How long do you need to set aside once a week to take a pill and why are you making it seem like your friend is a caveman for doing so? If this person is truly your friend, I bet she's pissed. Also, is that really your house in the commercial and is that really you cooking? I also don't care to see you buying fruit at an outdoor market. Am I supposed to think, "Wow Sally Field is buying apples, I bet she's on an efficient and easy to follow osteoporosis pill regimen!" Are you getting free pills? Has the Gidget money disappeared? I'm concerned Sally, but I'm glad that if you were to not get any more work after "Brothers and Sisters" and you were to throw yourself down the stairs, you probably wouldn't break a bone.
P.S If you see Valerie Bertonelli, please tell her I don't care that she can eat anything she wants while on Jenny Craig and please ask her why her and Kirstie Alley can't seem to appear on the same set of the same commercial. Are either of them really that busy that they can't film at the same time?
Luke Warm Regards,

Harriet Carter Could Kill You?

I almost forgot that it was already Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday due having Memorial Day off. Luckily, since I think about Harriet each and every day, I remembered. This week Harriet provides products that can cut you, fall on you, help not blind you, and even surprise you. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Have you ever been out and all of a sudden felt the immediate need to saw a brick, but you didn't bring your saw? I know, it happens to me all the time. Luckily, Harriet hooks you up with this heavy duty pocket saw that can literally cut through a brick, pipe, and probably human bone (not that I'm giving any of you any ideas). Seriously, why the need for a pocket saw? And who the hell finds themselves in a "brick sawing emergency?" or a "BSE" as I typically call it. My thought is that if you're cutting brick you probably have a legit saw to do this with. What Harriet should be doing is marketing this product to the "escapee serial killer on the go." Have you just escaped from a maximum security prison system? Do you only have limited time to kill again? Well don't waste your time with bulky weapons like guns and knives! Just quickly order your pocket saw and saw your way to happiness! Thanks Harriet!

Product # 2 - Is your life completely and absolutely ridiculous? Do you think you are as insane as you can possibly be? Well as Oprah always says, "dream bigger." I say, get even more ridiculous by purchasing what I can only assume is a life-sized remote control. No joke, this remote is about 5 times the size of the persons hands. And look at the little picture of all the other "normal sized" remote controls with the big red "x" through it. Yeah Harriet, now those remote controls are crazy. STOP THOSE REMOTE CONTROLS! Why have 5 different remotes when you can own one giant remote that, if were to fall off the couch, could literally kill a toddler. This gets me to you need a separate coffee table for a remote like this? Perhaps this control goes onto the coffee table next to your regular coffee table? You know what? Save the time of having to show how white-trash you are and just sell your house and buy that trailer that your one Harriet Carter products away from anyway.

Product # 3 - Are you a huge baby in the shower? This lady knows she's an adult, right? Well if you're like this big bitch and are still terrified to get a little soap in your eye then you, too, should be buying this shower headband. No you no longer have to worry about losing complete vision thanks to Harriet's high-tech shower eye protector. Seriously? Kill yourself. Now I may not be a rocket scientist or someone who works with money (even though I am a rocket scientist who works with money), but I think..I think you could save yourself some money if you just closed your eyes in the shower while washing your hair. Yup, I just tested it out and it actually works. I know this is a tricky concept to understand, but here's how it works. When you get in the shower and start washing your hair, keep your head tilted slightly back. Next, when you're ready to rinse the shampoo out of your hair all you need to do is....get ready for it.....get ready for it.....get ready for it....close your eyes. PRESTO! The horrific act of shampooing is over and your eyesight has not been compromised. Brilliant.

Product # 4 - So this is the "surprise" product that I mentioned in the opening. This product is the surprise due to it's price. Now if you guessed that this old fashion record player brought to you by Harriet Carter would cost you $49.99 you'd be incorrect. $99.99? Nope. $299.99? Getting warmer. $350.00? Nope. How about $399.98? Ding ding ding! Yes, to my absolute shock and horror, this would be the most expensive product in the Harriet Carter catalog. So this reallllly got me to thinking....who's buying this? I mean, Harriet literally sells a hat that looks like a pig and has wings that you can make flap when you pull on the string. She's sells key chains that fart, beer helmets, horse ornaments, and a nose trimmer that's in the shape of a finger (all of this true). So who is purchasing all that crap and then is like, "Oh good! I loved my pig hat and finger nose trimmer so much that I'm also going to buy that $399.98 record player." No really, I want to know who you are. Email me.

Lindsay at Promises Rehab

Seriously, the folks over at Splash News Online must have photographers living in the trees around Promise of a New Day Rehab because they snapped Lindsay on her first day of rehab. Awww that's cute. I hope Dina packed her lunch and by "lunch" I mean thermos filled with coke. Oh and by "coke" I mean cocaine. Wait a minute, maybe this is all a set up. Maybe there's some secret reality show being filmed right now staring Britney, Lindsay, and Paris. If not, there totally should be.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

...In Other News...

So I was about to sign-in to my Myspace account when I was confronted with this horrific picture on the homepage. Uh, does something look a little weird about that picture. I mean it's easy to throw in a few "Ellen" jokes with this one, but this the best picture they could have come up with? Creepy. In other news...

~ Madonna Directs Her Face Off...Literally ~ CelebritySmack
~ Jessica Simpson Pulls a Debbie Downer in Cabo ~ DListed
~ Courtney Love Wants Pete Doherty ~ AgentBedHead
~ Jessica Alba is Chilly ~ NinjaDude
~ An Olsen Has a Boyfriend. Papooli Still Dead. ~ DrukenStepFather
~ Eva Longoria Suffers Because She's Hot ~ GabSmash
~ Enter to Win Some Rescue Me Crap! ~ PopBytes
~ Retro Jessica Simpson ~ Glunp
~ Britney Tans it Up ~ ImNotObsessed
~ Shanna Moakler Does Maxim ~ POTP

Miss USA Goes Down For the Crown

In non-Lindsay Lohan news, Miss USA was willing to do anything it took in order to win the Miss Universe competition last night, including going down to win the crown. The "competition" which took place in Mexico City was where poor little Miss USA, Rachel Smith, took a digger while showing off her dress. Personally, I like how she did a bit of a bounce and leg kick all at the same time. I do think, though, that she would have taken the crown if she did a superman fall as opposed to just a "sit-down-bounce." Maybe next time she'll plan it a little better. Also bonus points for whoever added this clip to YouTube. Their camera skills are as good as my photoshopping skills. By the way, what the hell is the Miss Universe competition anyway? Why "universe?" Isn't that exaggerating a little bit? Is Donald Trump behind this too?

Lindsay Rehab, Rehab Lindsay. Didn't We Meet Before?

According to In Touch Weekly, Lindsay No Pants has carted her freckled arse back to a little place called, "rehab." Actually, she'll be spending some time at "Promise of a New Day" in Malibu where Britney Spears "vacationed" for a month. What's great about this is that I get to recycle all of my "Promise of a New Day" jokes! What's better than that?!?

A close drunken friend of Lindsay has said, "She finally realizes it's the right thing to do....she's going willingly." Wait, isn't this the $50,000 a week rehab? Yeah, who wouldn't want to go to that? I'd go if I could afford it and I don't even have a problem. I mean, I'd totally pretend I would just to be able to stay there for a month. Hmmm, I have a brilliant idea. If the IBBB readers donate $50,000 to me, I'll check myself in to Lindsay's rehab playground and become her tennis partner. I can then help her shave her head, explain to her how she, too, is the anti-Christ, and will formally change her name to Lindsay No Pants. It will totally be worth the money.

Rihanna's Forehead Performs "Umbrella"

Rihanna's forehead was performing "Umbrella" at The Dome 42 and I think, I think she forgot her pants. Although, I'm not complaining, I guess I just don't understand where one would find an outfit like this? Also, is it multiple pieces of clothing or just one net that she tosses over her head (and forehead)? Regardless, the "no pants plan" must be working well for her as she is still #1 on the UK charts for week number 2. She may be onto something. I'm going to try out the "no pants plan." I'll be attending work this week without pants. I'll let you know if I get that promotion.

Lindsay Gets DUI, Parties it Up!

So first I need to say that every time I take a few days off there seems to be some type of celebrity scandal. I was away when Anna Nicole took her dirt nap, I was away when Paris was sentenced to p-to-the-prison, and I had some friends in town for Memorial Day Weekend when Lindsay crashed and burned and then got arrested. The next time I'm away I'm sure that Kathy Lee Gifford will get knocked up and I won't even be able to report on it. Life's not fair. Anyway, by now you know what happened with Lindsay No Pants. However, now Lindsay was spotted all cracked out, tripping, and passed out in the car of her BFF leaving a Memorial Day party. Awesome. Look, I'm not suggesting Lindsay enter rehab because, clearly, she doesn't have a problem, but if I got arrested with a DUI and also had coke found in my car, I'd probably take like five or six days off from drinking. Ok, maybe not 5 days, but at least 2 days. People are blaming Lindsay for her bad behavior. I don't blame Lindsay. Next in line would be her mom, Dina Lohan. I don't blame Dina. Next would be to blame her dad. I don't blame her dad. Other would blame the pressures of Hollywood. I don't blame the pressures of Hollywood. You know what I blame? Global warming. It's totally global warming that has caused Lindsay to behave like this. Damn you "El Nino." Damn you!

Who Shot Lindsay No Pants!?!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Captain Britney Spears

Britney spent a little time white-trashing up a boat the other day in Marina del Ray, which I believe is Spanish for "wait 1 hour to swim after you eat." My Spanish is a little rusty so "Marina del Rey" could mean something else, but I digress. Britney surprisingly was with her cousin, Alli, and her two sons - "what's his face" and "the other one." I'm glad that Britney wore her official captains hat. Why do people always "dress like a captain" when they're on a boat? I'll never understand. Spend some time on a yacht or a cruise ship and you'll always see those people who will only wear white and blue clothes and they'll always have little anchors on their shirt or pants. Seriously, why? What's the desperate need to feel like if you're on a boat you must dress like you live on the ocean? It must have something to do with being on the water because you never see passengers on an airplane dressed like the flight attendants.

Howard Stern to Take Dirt Nap?

As I'm still somewhat new to NYC and don't know the normal radio stations yet, I find comfort in my Sirius Sattelite radio, which to me is as loved as my Tivo is. Like a parent with their children, I love all my gadgets equally. Anyway, with that said I typically listen to Howard Stern in the morning, but clearly missed something huge that was discussed that I had to learn from my blogging friend over at CityRag.

When Artie and Howard were talking about depression and past bouts with depression, Howard stated that he had a gun in his mouth twice before. The others in the studio were a bit shocked, clearly, and Howard just stated that he has some dark days in the past and then he quickly moved on. Since even I can't make a funny joke about that, let's move on to some other Howard Stern Show news...

Artie Lange, Howard's sidekick, informed listeners that he is quitting the show and will be leaving this coming January. Uh, wouldn't a two-week notice suffice? Artie has been working a bit on the TV show "Rescue Me" and "Entourage" and has just felt a little burnt out. Have you called Jenny yet?

Sharon Osbourne Likes to Say #$%! and *$#!@

I love a woman who swears like a truck driver and Sharon Osbourne fits the bill time and time again. This time, Sharon is teeing off on Gene Simmons after Simmons publicly criticized her family. So, Sharon went to Blender Magazine and fired back stating: "He said that our kids are on drugs and that his kids aren't messed up like that." Sharon then continues to make fun of Simmons' girlfriend, Sharon Tweed, saying: "His wife's snatch has been rubbed on every pole in LA. I'll f*cking tear his head off and stick it up his wife's c**t." Yeah, time to play fill in the blank, but I think you can all do that. See, now I would have said something a little different. I would have said, "His wife's %$^$ can be seen in every @&!# at $%@!@. I'll take his $#$#% and put it on a @!%$! and show it to his wife's #$@!"

See, you too can play the "Sharon Osbourne: Insert Your Swear Words Here" game. It's fun to play with the whole family. Ages 2-12 need not apply.

Who Said That!?!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

...In Other News...

~ Janet Jackson Still Skinny, Makes News ~ CelebritySmack
~ I Can't Eat When I See Amy Winehouse ~ DListed
~ Britney is Chilly ~ NinjaDude
~ Jessica Simpson' ~ GabSmash
~ Billy Zane is Still Alive ~ AgentBedHead
~ Jessica Alba is "the Goofy" ~ FatBack
~ Sharon Stone: Nana in a Bikini ~ DrunkenStepFather
~ Britney Doesn't Look Like Crap ~ EvilBeet
~ Madonna Has a Brother? ~ Yeeeah

Demi Huh? Ashton Huh? Talulah Huh?

Not much to say about Demi, Ashton, and Demi's daughter Talulah Belle at the opening of "Mr. Brooks" in LA the other day. Actually, there are a few things to say and they all start with "huh?" Huh, how much plastic surgery has Demi had that none of her kids look like her? Huh, why is Ashton Kutcher wearing the same headband (yes, headband) that Lisa Turtle used to wear in almost 95% of the episodes of Saved By the Bell? Huh, are 13 year girls allowed to dress like they're skanks? If my 13 year old daughter ever left the house like that to go to a red carpet event in LA I would have locked her in her mansion room. Well, I don't have a daughter and if I did I doubt she would be invited to a red carpet event and if I did lock her in her room it wouldn't have been in a mansion, but you get what I mean. Also, as a side note, why does Talulah kinda look like Beavis? Can cartoons impregnate real people? See you in hell everyone!

Lindsay Lohan To Turn 21. World to Implode.

Seriously, how is Lindsay Lohan not 21 yet? She's spent 1-month in rehab, yet can't even legally drink. I mean I wasn't 21 when I started drinking, but I was only in rehab for 15 days. 30 days is the problem, not 15. Anyway, when Lindsay No Pants turns 21 shortly she will be having a very low key b-day celebration in quiet Las Vegas (baby). She and her friends will take over an entire floor at Caesar's Palace and the suite that she stays in will be specifically designed for her and by "designed" I mean should be filled with life-saving equipment and a priest. Her dinner will be at "Social House" and the rest of her fiesta will be at "Pure" in which DJ AM will be forced to work, but only until Lindsay gets trashed and fights him so that she can start spinning. What's the best part about this you ask (besides that fact the filthy rich people like this will burn in hell)? Svedka Vodka will be paying for this entire party. Oh that's sweet. I mean, it isn't ironic at all that "Vodka" will be sponsoring a party for a girl who spent 30 days in rehab and attended AA meetings. Isn't that kinda like Osama Bin Laden sponsoring the 10th anniversary of September 11th?

Heidi and Steve Sanders Engaged

Heidi and Steve Sanders will clearly do anything to stay in the spotlight, even get engaged, which they did. US Weekly has reported that Steve popped the question to Heidi while they were vacationing in Santa Barbara. They have yet to set a wedding date, but I'm sure it will be a major portion of the next seasons, "The Hills" reality show. Oh, and by "major portion" I actually mean "detailed scripted episodes." I hope the whole 90210 gang in invited to the wedding....Brenda, Brandon, Jim and Cindy Walsh, Nat, Donna, David, Valerie, Cammie, Jessica, Lo, Zack, Kelly, Lisa, Screech, Slater, etc. Hopefully they'll be married at the Peach Pitt and then honeymoon in Cabo during Spring Break. Damn, I should be writing the script. It would be a wedding and reunion show all in one. Brilliant, I know.

American Idol Finale: Thank Christ

So it's finally the American Idol finale and I already regret committing to watching this for 2-hours. Who will win? Blake? Jordin? Who cares? So here's how the American Idol finale went down. Please note that I am dumber for watching...and I'm ok with that.
  • Hmmm, Blake and Jordin kick off the night singing together. I already hate myself for watching this. Clearly, I'm a 13 year old girl.
  • As a side note, Jordin is about 5 feet taller than Blake. She's kinda like Barney.
  • Uh, ok now Gwen Stefani is live from her concert. What does this have to do with Jordin or Blake winning American Idol?
  • Great, now Kelly Clarkson is here to sing. I'm actually glad she's there. It's good for her to show the other contestants that no matter how famous you get, you can still be a fat-ass and the money will still pour in. What does this have to do with Jordin or Blake winning American Idol?
  • Why is Kelly Clarkson always so angry? That's not healthy...or entertaining.
  • Somehow American Idol decided to slow things down by giving away awards for random people during the season. In other words, if you're retarded you may get an award. My site should be up for many many awards.
  • So the chick that dressed like Big Bird won an award. She makes out with Ryan on stage. Clearly that's the only action he's ever received from a woman. Seriously, how is this lady on TV and not me. If I wasn't alone and sitting on my couch I would be convinced I was on an acid trip. Also, what does this have to do with Jordin or Blake winning American Idol?
  • Hey! Sanjaya is back on stage with the other 6 dudes who were on the show. Oh, and their singing. Again, in typical American Idol fashion they're all wearing white suits. How's your subliminal racism?
  • What a surprise! Smokey Robinson comes out to sing. The crowd screams like they have any clue who this is. I'm puzzled that Smokey Robinson is still alive.
  • Oh Christ. Blake now is having a "beat-box-rap-off." Is this a joke? Sadly no. I'm already in the process of shredding my passport and moving to Canada. Yes. Canada. Dear Blake, kill yourself. Signed, IBBB.
  • Now the top 6 girls are out singing on stage. Wow, what a surprise, they're all in white. Racists. They're singing "I Heard it Through the Grapevine." Gladys Knight appears and the crowd, again, screams like they know who she is. You know she's going to start singing "Midnight Train to Georgia."
  • Yup, she's singing "Midnight Train to Georgia." Again, what does this have to do with Blake or Jordin winning American Idol?
  • Sweet! They're showing people in the crowd! These people consist of Justin Guarini and David Hasselhoff....or as I like to call it, "Justin Guarini looking into a crystal ball."
  • Now enters Tony Bennett. He's sing-talking "For Once in My Life." Oh crap. Now he's yelling. He's yelling it like a grandfather yells at his imaginary friends.
  • Wow! Jordin and Blake just won a Ford Mustang. Blake does a horrible "Borat" impression. I officially hope he loses. I also hope his car somehow backs over him.
  • Hey, it's Carrie Underpants! I'm surprised she isn't wearing short-shorts. Oh, and by "surprised" I really mean "disappointed." I feel like she isn't as good of a singer without her short-shorts. She's also less interesting.
  • And..enter Clive Davis who, clearly, is still alive. Wait, is that Rudy Guiliani?
  • Sanjaya is back on stage. He continues to sing-talk. Again, what does this have to do with weather Blake or Jordin win American Idol.
  • Great! They cue that little girl who cries. I am about 3 minutes away from jumping out my 30th floor window.
  • Wow it's Taylor Hicks. How did they ever get him to appear? Do you guys still think it's funny that you voted for him because he had grey hair? Yeah, not so cool anymore, right?
  • Rubin Studdard is here too. I thought he died from gastric bypass. Wait, unless they're doing the same thing they did with Elvis a few weeks ago. Hmm, tricky.
  • Bette Miler is now singing "Wind Beneath My Wings." No really, she is. Why? No clue. I'm surprised that even after 15 years of this song coming out it still makes me want to kill myself. You know what, Bette, you fly higher than an eagle. Screw you.
  • Ok it's officially been 1 hour and 45 minutes. There is still no winner.
  • And the winner is....Jordin. Good night.
  • Wait, seriously Paula is crying like she just won. Good night.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

...In Other News...

Diddlers are really bringing back business casual for the Spring this season. I mean, if you're going to molest, you might as well dress respectfully. Michael Jackson had just arrived at Heathrow Airport in London yesterday to meet with some major record executives. Hopefully he'll be back to making awkwardly bad music with insane dance moves that weren't cool since 1989. In other news...

~ Shameless Plug: Brilliant Interview with Jesse Brune, Reality Star ~ GuessWho
~ Poshtoria Heads to the DMV, Yet Ready For GlamourShots~ DListed
~ Katie Holmes the Porn Star? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Dancing With the Stars is Still On. Who Won? ~ EvilBeet
~ Mischa Barton Smokes Marijuana Cigarettes ~ NinjaDude
~ Avril is a Loser ~ FatBack
~ Celebrities Without Airbrushing ~ PopBytes
~ Eva Longoria Goes Dirty Dancing with Slater ~ POTP
~ Jessica Alba is Looking For a Partner. Yes Please! ~ AgentBedHead
~ Napoleon Dynamite Is a Dad ~ ImNotObsessed
~ What the Hell is Julia Roberts Up To? ~ GabSmash
~ Angelina Jolie's Man Hands ~ Glunp
~ Doc Martin Ad Campaign See's Dead People ~ DrunkenStepFather
~ Paris Hilton's Boobs Like the Bible ~ CityRag

Oprah's Dad to Sass Oprah's Ass

Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey's father, Vernon Winfrey, will be writing a book about Oprah. What's the best part, you ask? Oprah had no clue that her dad was even writing the book. Uh-oh! The first rule of never sassing Oprah's ass is to not do things behind her back! Clearly, Vernon Winfrey didn't know this sacred rule.

Oprah told the New York Daily News that she laughed when her assistant told her the newspaper was calling to ask about the book that Oprah's dad was writing. Later, Oprah called her dad and found out it was true, but he said he had meant to tell her about it. Ooops. That's the second rule of never sassing Oprah's ass. Don't lie to Oprah. Ever. Vernon's book is supposed to be called, "Things Unspoken."

I wonder if Oprah will add it to her book club? I hope she does, but only because I have made myself a deal that I would never read anything that was on Oprah's book club list, ever. Well, unless, of course, it was a book about me. Ohhhh, someone should totally start writing a book about me. I'll start getting in touch with Oprah. Thanks for the help IBBB readers!

Who Sassed Oprah's Ass!?!

Harriet Carter Apparel: Wear It!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! You know, it really dawned on me that I never really tackled the beautiful clothes and "clothing accessories" that Harriet Carter sells in her brilliant crapalog. I mean, she has t-shirts that have the zaniest sayings on them that even after total stranger stop beating the piss out of you for wearing them, you'll still be laughing. Let's take a look at the type of high-fashion that Harriet is selling this time around....

Product # 1 - Seriously, I'm starting to fall in love with "failure model chick." She means so well and is probably so psyched that she's "modeling" in the Harriet Carter catalog. I mean look at the please look on her face. I think she's one more photo shoot away from a permanent dirt nap. Anyway, for me, "failure model chick" is the unsung hero of the Harriet Carter crapalog. "Failure model chick" is taking high-fashion to the next level with this reversible hat. I'm so lad that Harriet gives you the option of how ugly you want to look. Do you want to look horrible in red? Disgusting in blue? Horrific in black? Poor white trash in khaki? The options are endless. No matter who gross you want to look, Harriet's got the color to match. As a side note, where was that photo shoot taken? Why is "failure model chick" in the sky? Perhaps she's going to heaven? Aw, who are we kidding. You know she's a bitch. She's going to hell.

Product # 2 - Do you love bad jokes? Clearly you do or you wouldn't be reading my site. However you know who else likes bad jokes and stating the obvious? You guess it...Harriet! Now you can be the talk of the town with your "My Ex Called Me For Directions. I Told Him Where to Go." Did you really? Why would he have ever left you with a brilliant sense of humor like that? I bet you're a real peach to be around. I'm also glad that you're letting every person that ever passes you by know that you're a big bitch too. Good luck getting that next day, psycho! By the way, where exactly did you tell him to go? Why would he call you for directions anyway? Everyone uses Google Maps now anyway.

Product # 3 - Uh oh! Here we go again! Oh Harriet you clever little skank. This t-shirt is brilliant. Oh, and by "brilliant" I really mean a disgrace. The t-shirt reads "I Can Fix Anything! Where's the Duct Tape?" Get it? Do you get the brilliance of the joke? Let me explain it to you. Ok, you see the guy that wears a shirt like this is trying to get the message across that anything he tries to fix never really works out for him. Therefore, he typically uses duct tape to fix whatever broke. What this means is that he's not so good at fixing things and that's the joke. Now do you get it? I know, brilliant right? Duct tape is a real hoot. You know what? If I ever saw anyone walking down the street wearing that I would use duct tape to tie them up and toss them into the river. Wait, is that crossing the line? I don't care, it's a stupid shirt. And by "stupid" I really mean, "a hoot."

Product # 4 - Heeeeeey Skanky McPointy Boobs! I think you have a little something to show us! But wait....where did they go? They seemed to have just disappeared. Thanks Harriet for blocking the "show." Well ladies, you're in luck if you're not into letting perfect strangers know that there are six more weeks of winter this season. Harriet doesn't want to see your "ladies greeters" and so she's selling these "lady greeter blockers." Just toss them into your bra and then PRESTO! You're boring again. As a side note I wonder if the "boob model" in this photo is "failure model chick?" I bet it is. Oh wait, worse yet....I bet it's Harriet. Heeeeey Harriet!

Ok crew, that concludes another Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday. See you next week!

American Idol Isn't Over Yet?

It's the second to last American Idol episode, so you know what that means....they are going to recap the hell out of the last season. Oh God. I don't need to see the what happened 13 weeks ago, or however long it was. Anyway, here's how the crapisode went down:
  • Hmmm, does Paula have a new nose? Where are her bruises? She should have worn one of those big nose and mustache with sunglasses disguise.
  • Ryan makes some bad joke about Paula's dog being a bitch. Seriously, I could write better jokes than that. Ok, well maybe not better, but certainly meaner.
  • They have an actual "coin toss" to see who chooses if they go first or second. Yeah, this isn't the Superbowl. This is the worst competition in television history. If I won the coin toss I would have walked off the stage.
  • Blake wins the coin toss (by the way the coin looked like a casino chip from the MGM Grand in Vegas) and he decides to go first.
  • Blake sings Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name (or whatever it's called). Of course he beat boxes the bitch out of the song. It was horrific. Right now my friend Janine must be punching her TV. Is this song supposed to sound like an opera with strobe lights? Maybe.
  • By the way, Randy Jackson is wearing a Michael Jackson jacket, equipped with gold chains on the sleeves and shoulders.
  • Paula gave Blake a "10 + 10+ 10+ 10." No really, she did. Paula's dog is officially smarter than her.
  • Jordin sings "Fighter" by Christina Aguigrtklerkla. She sounds out of breath. She's kinda talk-singing. Uh-oh, is she the female version of the male version of the female version of Sanjaya. Where the hell is he/she by the way?
  • Back to Randy. Could he clear security with that jacket?
  • Paula grabs the mic again like she's on The Price is Right. I missed that over the past few weeks. $1.00 Bob, $1.00!
  • Why is Ryan dressed like he's the banker in Monopoly?
  • Blake is back singing a Maroon 5 song. I'm switching over the Red Sox/Yankees game. Sweet, the Sox are up 3 - 0. Suck on that, Yankees.
  • Does Blake dye his hair in between commercial breaks?
  • When Paula gives her "thoughts" she says something about getting the first song out of his back and then told him to relax. Uh, only Frankie says relax.
  • Jordin is back up singing some country song...A Broken Wing? Broken Wings? Break and Wink? I'm not sure what it is.
  • What do you think Justin Guarini is doing right now?
  • So, some random dudes wrote a song for the finale, called "This is My Now." Without even hearing it I already know it's going to be about chasing a dream and a goal and then achieving that goal.
  • Yup, that's what the song is about. I'd prefer to call this song "A Moment Like This 2.0"
  • I'm surprised how much blood can actually pour out of ones ears.
  • Jordin takes a shot at singing the same song. Wait, is this the same song? Clearly created for a girl to sing. Oh those tricky little American Idol producers!
  • Poor Jordin can't finish the last note because she starts to cry. Yeah, nice touch. Take the onions out of your bra.
  • So who will win? My vote is for Nicki McKibbin, season 1. No?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Eva Longoria's Ass Says, "Hey"

Eva Longoria was doing anything it took to raise money at this weekends "Spike for Hope" charity volleyball tournament....even showing people where they can deposit their donations. I think that is a brilliant idea on her part. I mean if she just put out her hand I'd probably donate like $25.00, but with her ass in the air, I'd probably give a little more. What? I meant a "donation."

In other non-ass-related Eva Longoria news, it's been reported that once married, Eva and Tony Parker plan on going the Angelina Jolie route and adopting a kid. Eva recently told "Latina Magazina" that "...we both have big hearts and the finances to do it and we want to be able to provide and environment of love and stability to a child who otherwise wouldn't have that."

Ok 2 things. (1) Thanks for rubbing it in....not about having the finances, I just mean having the "heart" and (B) I would consider being adopted if you're interested in adopting me. I'm a great candidate. I have a job, I can almost tie my shoes, and I've cut down wetting my bed to 2 times a week. Technically, I'm a steal.

Paula Abdul to Get a Nose Job, Again?

Uh oh, Paula Abdul has broken her nose. According to Extra, Paula was simple just trying to not step on her dog, a Chihuahua named Tulip, when she tripped, fell, and busted her nose. Although, Paula was not hospitalized after the fall. Huh? How do you break your nose and then not go to the hospital? I hope she gets an awesome nose job and, while she's there, I hope she gets her boobs done again. By the time I see Paula on the American Idol season finale, I want to see her looking like an entirely different person. Scratch that. I want her to look exactly like MC Skat Kat. Hopefully they'll find a way to implant whiskers on her. Oh, and a tail.

Britney Wears a Hat in the Pool

Can fake hair not get wet? There's a lot I need to learn I guess. When I was little, my cousin brought her doll in the pool and hours later the hair turned green and fell out due to the chemicals. I guess this is the same thing? Britney took off her clothes, but left on her molester hat when she went for a little dip in the pool at the Raleigh Hotel after her "performance" in Orlando. Can you molest with a hat in the pool? That's danger. I wonder if Britney is going all 6's and 7's again. If she's having another breakdown I'm not sure we'll really be able to tell. I mean, what do you do after shaving your head? Oh! Eyebrows! I hope she shaves off her eyebrows. A hairless Spears.

Monday, May 21, 2007

...In Other News...

Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey was honored at the Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity over the weekend. Others who were randomly in attendance while Oprah was given the Humanitarian Award at the Waldolf-Astoria in NYC, you ask? Well that would be random Martha Stewart, random Iman, random Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie from Saved By the Bell), random Damon Dash, random Ron Howard, and of course, Gayle King. In other random news...

~ The Spice Girls Are Set to Ruin Music Again! ~ DListed
~ Janice Dickinson is the Walking Dead ~ CelebritySmack
~ Pete Doherty Takes a Break from Drugs to Play Soccer...Then Back to Drugs ~ AgentBedHead

Jesse Brune from Workout: The Interview

ImBringingBloggingBack has landed an exclusive (not sure if that's true or what it really means) interview with Jesse Brune ( Bravo's reality show "Workout." So how has this happend you ask? Well, a drunken reader of IBBB, Gina, had emailed me asking me to find out some info about Jesse Brune from Workout. I had no idea what either of those things were, so I played on "the Google" for a little while and ended up finding out who this person was, what his show was, and then tuned in to watch. See kids, all you need to do is ask me and I will deliver. However, not all celebrities will answer my ridiculous questions (and you know who you are, Tina Yothers), but after getting in touch with Jesse and his publicist (Kellie) I got to play professional interviewer. Find out what Jesse is up to now, his thoughts on being Paris Hilton's prison bitch, and if Kimmy Gibbler got the shaft in Hollywood. Overall, an award winning interview. Here's how it went down:

IBBB: I've had many of my readers email me to find out more about you. To be honest I had no clue who you were, so one hungover weekend I tuned in to your show and then did a little Google searching, found your Myspace, and here we are. I'm clearly a professional.

IBBB: I think Myspace is the devil, what have you been up to since the show ended?
Jesse: I have been workin' my arse off! Training is very busy right now, and I am cooking up a storm. I have been lucky enough to cater some dinners in San Francisco , LA , and am actually going to do my first super fancy event in the Hamptons in a couple weeks. I'm trying to put a cook book together and getting ready for a third season of WORKOUT... that is, if there is a third season!

IBBB: Speaking of Myspace, tell me a great story about a crazy stalker that you have on Myspace.
Jesse: I haven't had any crazy stalkers to date... there have been a few people who got really pissed that I didn't respond to their messages, but I don't have tons of time to play on the computer... so I hope they can be forgiving.

IBBB: It seems like all of your SkyLab clients are trying to lose a ton of weight (some, literally). I'd like to gain about 5-7 pounds. I also like "the beer." What advice would you have for me?
Jesse: If you want to gain weight, then keep up with the beer! If you are looking to gain muscle mass then focus on weight training and eat a lot of protein after your workout.

IBBB: In on episode one of your co-workers, Doug, passed away. How strange was it to deal with that with the cameras rolling?
Jesse: It was very hard... I didn't want to give the impression that I was grieving for the sake of good television... I think the producers did a pretty good job at giving us our space so we could make the passing of Doug more about him, and less about us. I don't know if there is a right way to deal with a situation like that... but I feel like it was done rather well.

IBBB: Seriously, every celebrity seems to be getting arrested for DUI lately. If you were Paris Hilton's cell-mate in prison for 45 days would you end up being her bitch? I think you could take her, but prison can be tough.
Jesse: I know this sounds bad, but I wouldn't mind hearing that Paris got into a couple brawls... I mean I can imagine there are some pretty mean dykes in there that would love a piece of Paris.

IBBB: What other areas of fitness and/or the entertainment industry would you like to get into?
Jesse: Honestly, I would love to do a cooking show... there is something romantic in that for me. To get paid to hang out in a kitchen and do my thing would be a dream come true. We will keep our fingers crossed.

IBBB: Do you think Kimmy Gibbler (Full House) got the shaft and deserves more work in Hollywood ?
Jesse: No, she was a hateful bitch and got everything she deserved. Just kidding, I have no idea... One of my dreams is to hang out with the Olsens... if that dream ever becomes a reality, I will get their opinion and share it with you.

IBBB: What do you regret the most while being on camera? Wicked good question, right?
Jesse: I don't really have any regrets. I have learned the importance of proper grooming in front of the camera... it is one unforgiving bitch.

IBBB: What reality shows are you into?
Jesse: Most Bravo shows... they have a great formula that sucks you in... Top Chef, Project Runway, Top Design... all addicting.

IBBB: My last question is a two-parter. (a) Can I have the chicks on Myspace that throw themselves at you that you don't want? (b) If you ever didn't like one of your clients, would you "accidentally" train them to have a J. Lo ass? What? I just feel like you could have that power.
Jesse: No, chicks do not throw themselves at me... there are a couple who try to set me up with their brothers though... and I think that is really cute.
Personally, I think the bigger the ass the better... J-Lo has the right idea... and believe it or not, most people have that as their long-term goal... a "J-Lo" of their own.

So that's how this award winning interview went down kids. All kidding aside, for someone to actually answer my ridiculous questions shows someone who can have fun with things without being an uptight asshole (yes, I'm talking to you Tina Yothers). Special thanks to Jesse Brune for taking the time to play along. If you're looking to have him train you or are interested in his catering business, be sure to check out his own personal site @ Thanks also go to Jesse's publicist, Kellie Olisky @ JagPR for putting up with me and becoming a fan of my site (two birds with one stone, baby!).

Scott Stapp, Singer from Creed, Beats His Wife Because He Loves Her...and Dinner Was Late?

Remember the group Creed? Remember the lead singer of the group Creed? Remember how every song Creed sang sounded the same? Remember how hitting women was illegal? Yeah, well lead singer of the group Creed, Scott Stapp, was arrested yesterday for allegedly assaulting his wife, former Miss New York Jaclyn Nesheiwat. Stapp was charged with domestic assault in West Boca, yet no one was injured at his home. Uh, how does that work? Stapp was being held in a county jail and will be appearing in court today. Domestic violence is never a funny matter, unless for some reason it involves food, but if Jaclyn needs some good excuses to tell her co-workers on why she has a black-eye, she could choose one of the following (or a combination of the following if needed):

  1. I accidentally answered the iron again
  2. I was cleaning the doorknobs and tripped into it
  3. I was teaching my cat how to box and got a paw to the eye
  4. I was practicing "snapping" and it got a little out of control
  5. It's not a black-eye, it's a pimple
  6. I got halfway through my nose job and then chickened out
  7. It's not a black-eye, don't be so racist.

You see, there are many options she could use. Or, she could think of a creative excuse on her own. Here at IBBB, we're always here to help in any way we can. Oh, and by "help" I really mean "not get involved."

Who Said What!?!

Meredith Vieira Needs Crest Strips

Meredith Vieira flashed a rotten smile at "The Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation" benefit the other night. Seriously? What's up with that? Sure you're helping kids, but you know you'll be photographed. Why wouldn't you want to kick your teeth up a notch? I think the kids would want that, even more than the money. I know I would. It kills me that people with money would can afford a "fancy" teeth whitening procedure just don't do it. I mean, that's really what it's all about. Well, that and the kids. Fine it's about the kids not the teeth, but bad teeth really freak me out. They shouldn't be grey. They should be white. Wait, where am I going with this again? Good day.

Diddy Throws Chair at Boom Boom Cat?

Diddy runs the city. Allegedly Diddy also throws chairs. If there's one you know about me it's that I think there is nothing better than "boom cat, boom boom cat" from MTV's Making the Band. What a real Monday treat it was for me when I read that "boom cat, boom boom cat" (choreographer Laurie Ann Gibson) has allegedly filed a complaint against Diddy for throwing a chair at her during the filming of the new Making the Band season. Diddy, of course, is saying that this claim is false and that this is just another example of people trying to take advantage of his fame. Someone on the NYPD has verified that the complaint had been made, but that no criminal activity had been found.

Uh, if this took place during the filming, couldn't they just check the tape and see if it had, in fact, happened? Although, who hasn't had a chair thrown at them once or twice? Laurie Ann could have done totally taught the chair to boom cat, boom boom cat.

Who Said That!?!

Friday, May 18, 2007

...In Other News...

Why is Shakira dressed like she works at the "It's a Small World" ride in Disney World? She actually is bringing gifts to the "Mazahua Native Community in Mexico City. Seriously, what kind of gifts are those? Is that a basket of clams? Why would this community in Mexico City want clams? As a side note, I think her dress is made out of cray paper? I think she can burst into flames at any minute. That's danger. In other news...

Carmen Electra: Just Because

Hey it's Friday and sometimes you need a little change of pace from the Paris Hilton and Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx photos. How about a little Carmen Electra at a bikini photo shoot and high-heels...all at the same time. She really pulled out a brilliant performance with this one. Good for her. In actually Carmen Electra news, Carmen has just joined that cast of "Christmas in Wonderland," a new movie that will be filmed at a Canadian mall. This new movie will "star" Patrick Swayze (really?) and is about a family's Christmas caper after they move to Canada from Los Angeles. Seriously? That's a movie? No joke, I could have come up with that. Who are the people who decide what movies are made. Get me in touch with them. I have a few ideas that can't be worse than that one.

Tyra is No Walk in the Park

Your favorite, Tyra Banks, was spending a little time walking around NYC before her "upfronts," whatever that is. Anyway, while it's always fun to toss a few jabs at Tyra for, well, just being Tyra, Janice Dickinson is clearly not a fan of Tyra. In a recent interview, Janice Dickinson claims that Tyra is jealous of her good looks and success and even said that Tyra wears too much makeup. Janice continued on by saying that it was a piece of cake modeling for Victoria Secret instead of modeling for Vogue like Janice has done. Janice, the old judge of America's Next Top Model, states that she was fired and that:

"I'd rather be an honest bitch…I made the show number one in 52 countries. And then I got the sack, and the UPN executives replaced me with Twiggy. No one in America knows who Twiggy is. There's no way anyone could fill my shoes. There's no way… Tyra's no walk in the park. Tyra's really righteous."
Uh oh, Tyra is gonna be pissed when she hears this! I mean, she'll certainly take the time to talk about it, as talking about herself is Tyra's favorite extracurricular activity. Tyra.