Monday, May 14, 2007

Candy Cane Spelling Officially Nuts

As you all (or y'all, as they say) know, I love me some crazy people. The crazier the better. Well, Candy Spelling just hit "tilt" on the craz-o-meter as she has written a very personal letter to Paris Hilton...and then Candy took it upon herself to send it to TMZ. Oh Candy, that's sweet (get it??). So anyway, Candy's letter was all stereotypical "tough love." Here are some of my favorite lines in her letter or as I like to call it, her "Candy-gram."
  • "Paris, I'm very worried about're taking self defense classes to protect yourself in jail??"
  • "You can get away with more bad behavior and excuses than most people could ever imagine."
  • "I am sorry you have been sentenced to jail. I can't think of too much that would be worse."
  • publicly learning to fight (not a good message to fellow inmates).

Great work Candy! I am concerned, however, that Candy seems to know so much about what goes on in the prison system. I just wish she would have signed it "xoxoxo Candy." Here's what my letter to Paris would have been:

My Dearest Paris,

You are totally going to be someones bitch in prison. I wouldn't waste your time taking defense classes. Instead, I would make sure to put a ton of coke cans in your pillowcase in prison and use that as a weapon. Swing the pillowcase around and "presto" self defense! Also, bring Tinkerbell with you and shave your dog to make a blanket. I hear prison is cold. It's definitely an added bonus if you try at least one suicide attempt while locked up. Double bonus points if you shave your head and tattoo "666" on your forehead. Good luck becoming a woman in prison and, possibly, "a mother."

Luke-Warm Regards,

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