Tuesday, July 31, 2007

...In Other News...

It's been a career comeback for Jodie Sweetin ever since she's gone to skank. Clearly she has been reading IBBB and took my advice that if she really wanted to make it she would have to go right to skank. Jodie was giving a little lap dance at Area the other night in LA to her husband who looks horrified (probably the chin). No word yet if Kimmy Gibbler was at Area....working. In other news...

~ Lindsay Gets an Endorsement from Lil' Kim ~ PopBytes
~ Wyclef Blames Lauryn Hill ~ CelebritySmack
~ What is it that Pete Doherty Does Again? ~ AgentBedHead
~ Heidi Klum Almost Naked ~ CityRag
~ Nicole Richie is Pregnant For Sure ~ DListed
~ A Hayden Panettiere Pick and Lick ~ DSF
~ Darlene Connor is Ready to Burst ~ EvilBeet
~ Britney's Ass and Some Other Asses ~ FatBack
~ Usher's Wedding Was Never Completely Off ~ NinjaDude
~ Kimberly Stewart Thinks She's Diddy! ~ POTP
~ Star Jones Said NO to Exercise ~ Yeeeah

Lauren Conrad and Dieter

Reunited and it feels so good. Lauren Conrad and Laguna Beach alum, Dieter, were looking like they were up to no good while waiting to get into Area in LA the other night. Ahhh LC and Dieter. The days of Laguna Beach. Those really were simpler times, happier times. These were times when houses would fall off cliffs in Laguna Beach and Dieter and friends would run a fashion show to raise money to help these millionaires rebuild their homes. These were special times, innocent times. While Laguna Beach is being retired a brand new concept and TV show will be airing soon on MTV called, Newport Beach. Seriously, this isn't a joke. I'm sure this will be completely different from Laguna Beach. I miss Cami.

Who Shot Them!?!

Celebrity Skanked Out F'd Up Report Card

A spin-off from everyones favorite game, "The ImBringingBloggingBack Celebrity Cameltoe Rating System...to the Stars" I am proud to present a new game called, "The ImBringingBloggingBack Celebrity Skanked Out F'd Up Report Card...to the Stars!" Current messed up celebrities have been chosen, categories have been determined, and hot dog clipart has been discovered. Mix all of that together and add some remedial Microsoft Excel expertise and you've got yourself a future award winning game. You also can discover who's the most skanked out and f'd up celebrity during this current period of time.

So let's see who's won this time. Was it Paris Hilton? Lindsay Lohan? Britney Spears? Nicole Richie?
  • Surprisingly Paris Hilton was much less f'd up and skanked out than I could have ever imagined.

  • I was shocked by the fact that Britney hasn't been busted yet for DUI and that she hasn't had an alleged eating disorder.

  • And the winner is....Lindsay Lohan! Lindsey has achieved more hot dogs than anyone else. What a real honor.

Congratulation Lindsay and thanks to your current arrest for DUI and future sentence that you will probably serve you really put a lot of distance between you and the rest of these skanks. Also, please thank Dina and Michael (mom and dad) as they also helped edge you out over the rest.

Please note, no hot dogs were harmed during the making of this game, although one hot dog went missing and I found it somewhere....near Britney. I just let her keep it.

Dina Lohan No Te Gustas el Donald Trump

For some reason I felt that bad/incorrect Spanish needed to be used in this title. What? I've broadened my reach in Y2 of IBBB. I'm reaching out to all of my Spanish speaking reader. Anyway, Dina Lohan continues to address every single person who makes a public statement on about Lindsay No Pants. This time she's calling out Donald Trump. Ok, so here's how it went down. Donald said:

"Find what you love doing (other than drugs and alcohol), work hard, stay focused, get a new set of parents - then join me on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' which is shooting soon - I'll keep you straight!"

Oh snap (as the kids say), when Dina heard this she replied back to Donald via Access Hollywood, to which Dina said:

"Donald, I'm really disappointed in the statement that was brought to my attention from The New York Post. I've always had a great admiration for your business sense and I've read all your books and learned from them! Your own brother died of alcoholism and you own Trump Vodka? You say Lindsay needs new parents? Such a rash statement without backing it with fact? I am a single mother of four children doing what I can during this difficult time! Do a background check of both parents and you will find the truth! Shame on you... so many families suffer from this, yours included. We need solutions not opinions! - Dina and family"

To which I reply to Dina:

"Dina, I'm disappointed that you haven't addressed me yet. I've been teeing off on your daughter for about 1-year. Step it up, trash. Oh, and you said that you need solutions not opinions. Maybe you could find solutions if you stopped addressing every one in the news. Oh, and I have a solution I'd like to throw into the ring. Give Lindsay a spanking and when you do if you could film it and upload it to YouTube that would be ok too. P.S If you could somehow place a brown paper bag over your head during the filming that would just help a bit or maybe just shoot from the neck down. Ok ok I'm not going to tell you how to film this. Get creative."

Seriously, what the hell was I just writing about?

Tyra Claus is Coming to Town!

On Dasher on Dancer on Tyra and Tyra, on Tyra and Tyra, and Donner and Tyra! Tyra Claus is coming to town and I am psyched. I love me some crazies and couple that with a ginormous woman and you got yourself a recipe for a win-win situation. Tyra Banks was in NYC yesterday where her daytime talk show (The Tyra Banks Show) and her reality show (America's Next Top Model with Tyra Banks) will be moving. It's just like Tyra to sneak into the city low key without anyone even really noticing her. I mean, they hardly noticed her on top of a double-decker bus holding a I "Heart" NY t-shirt and screaming at the top of her lungs through a megaphone. People hardly even flinched when she stood on at the corner directly in the middle of Times Square and handed out newspapers. I won't lie, I could have sworn I felt my building shake.

I might as well add Tyra to my list of "Those I Will Stalk While in NYC." Hmm, maybe she needs a personal assistant. Perhaps I could brush her wig? Welcome to the city Tyra! You're somewhat sane here!

Monday, July 30, 2007

...In Other News...

~ Nicole Richie as a Cartoon ~ CelebritySmack
~ Paris is a Musical? ~ DListed
~ Juliette Lewis: Still Nuts ~ AgentBedHead
~ Old Stars Who Still Look Good ~ CityRag
~ Lizzie Grubman Almost Tans to Death ~ EvilBeet
~ The Spice Girls Really Are Going On Tour? ~ PopBytes
~ No More Money for Paris ~ NinjaDude
~ We Get it Ugly Betty, You're Not Ugly. ~ POTP
~ Jessica Simpson Says "No" to Porn ~ Yeeeah

I'm Hunting Lohan's

Sadly, I may have to temporarily stop hunting Olsen Sluts. What? I said temporarily. As I typically don't report on things that people tell me and only comment on other peoples stories I figure it's year 2 of ImBringingBloggingBack (or Y2IBBB for short) so why not step it up a notch. Everyone seems to be wondering where in the holy-hell Lindsay Lohan is hiding. Well, a friend of mine out on the left-coast, who is also my left-coast spy, has informed me that Lindsay No Pants is right in my backyard of NYC. And I kind of mean that literally. The apartment that Lindsay owns is actually part of my view here in NYC. So I've decided to hunt down the entire Lohan Bunch....even that little bitch Ali. Just kidding, I don't even know Ali. I'm sure she's not little. I totally want to hang out with Dina though. I bet she gets all sloppy drunk and swears like a truck-driver...and then pukes. She seems like a real hoot. So wish me luck on my hunt. Oh, and sleep with one eye open Olsen's!

Britney's Old Weave Now Her Dress

Ever wonder what Britney does with all of her old weaves and wigs? Well don't lose sleep over philosophical questions like this any longer. Britney, clearly, has taken her old ratty bleached out weave and is wearing it as a dress. She could have really pulled this one off if she wasn't wearing anything underneath it. I mean, it's not like we haven't seen her "gentleman greeter" before. She's selfish. See, this is another reason why I would make the perfect celebrity personal assistant. When Britney was just about to walk out of the house I would simply say, "Wait a minute. Lose the dress underneath and make sure one of your boobs is hanging out the side." See? I'm helpful. I can get coffee too and can type roughly 100 words per minute. I mean, I never timed it, but just assume.

The Hills Season 3: Good Times

Friday, July 27, 2007

...In Other News...

John Travolta ditches his dress and wig for a ball and bat during the filming of his latest movie "Old Dogs" that is partially filming at Shea Stadium in NYC. Rumor has it that John was a shoe-in for the role as he typically does have balls flying by his face. Oh come on, that was an easy one. It would have been a crime if I didn't say it. In other news...

~ Naomi Watts Finally Pumps Out a Kid ~ DListed
~ Claire Danes Shows a Little Something, Very Little ~ DSF
~ Tom and Katie are Already that Awkward Old Couple Dancing at a Wedding ~ AgentBedHead
~ Natalie Imbruglia Has Been Around for 10 Yrs. I'm Old. ~ PopBytes
~ Is Zsa Zsa Gabor's Husband Shit-Faced? ~ NinjaDude
~ When Did Kelly Rowland Get So Hot? ~ EvilBeet
~ Britney Fired New Assistant. I Send Resume. ~ CelebritySmack
~ Angelina Jolie Pissed People Thought Her Movie Blew ~ FatBack
~ Celebrity Bobble Heads! ~ CityRag
~ Michael Lohan Talks to Ali Lohan Via the Press ~ POTP

Victoria Beckham Hugs Queen Latifah Like She Could Catch "Fat"

What a fun celebrity world is must be. Poshtoria and David Beckham were doing a little shopping (because clearly they don't already have enough stuff) at the high-end "H Lorenzo" in West Hollywood when they ran into Queen Latifah. Poshtoria and Queen Latifah semi-awkwardly embraced. I seriously think that Poshtoria thought she could "catch fat" from Queen Latifah if she hugged her too tight. I mean, there was a study that just came out that said that obesity could be contagious. Maybe she heard about that? Perhaps she thought Latifah would break her in two. I think a firm hand-shake and a "ta" would have been enough for the British. Oh well, I continue to learn each and every day.

Who Shot That!?!

Lindsay Blames "The Black Kid"

Car chases. Booze. Fire-crotch. Racism. While it sounds like a summer blockbuster, it is allegedly what took place just minutes before and during the Lindsay No Pants arrest. Ok, so this is a long story and, frankly, I don't feel like typing it all out so I will quickly recap and then you can check out the story in it's entirety at TMZ.com (click here).
  • Monday night, Lindsay hopped in a car with three guys (Dante Nigro, Jakon Sutter, and Ronnie Blake).

  • The guys got invited to a party in Malibu (not at Promises) with Lindsay.

  • Dante and Lindsay's assistants boyfriend were let into the party (the other two dudes weren't). Dante claims Lindsay was never without a drink and even did a shot with her. Cheers!

  • Lindsay and her assistant got into a fight and her assistant quit and Lindsay went nuts.

  • The assistant hopped in a car and took off. Lindsay then jumped in the car that they guys were in and started driving.

  • When Lindsay hit the gas Ronnie was so frightened that he jumped out of the car while it was going and Lindsay ran over his foot (awesome).

  • Lindsay was going upwards of 100 mph on the Pacific Coast Highway and Lindsay said, "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the f*ck I want." (karma)

  • Finally, the chase ended and the cops gave Lindsay a sobriety test, to which she failed. When she tried touching her nose she almost fell over.

  • Allegedly Lindsay then tried to convince police that "the black kid was driving." Awww that's sweet.

Is she kidding with that? First Mel Gibson, then Michael Richards, and now Lindsay Lohan. Let me ask you, are you supposed to be racist if you're famous and intoxicated. Does this have something to do with Scientology?

US Weekly Blows Heidi Montag

I can't seem to figure out why yet, but US Weekly totally blows Heidi Montag. They always seem to be bragging about some random interview with Heidi and Steve Sanders. For me, this is the 8th Wonder of the World. Does US Weekly make money off of every interview they do? It's always the most random photo-shoots and/or interviews ever. They either take place on the beach, in a hot tub, or (this time) at the gym. I'm not sure why Heidi's nose and boobs are both crooked, especially after having them "fixed" but I digress.

If you check out this video you get to really get to know Heidi and listen to her and Steve Sanders say such cool things like:
  • I want a summer body ~ Heidi

  • This gym is so tight ~ Steve Sanders

  • Let's go be the most fit couple in America ~ Steve Sanders

Well I don't want to ruin all of the interview for you, so if you want to watch Steve Sanders do 10 pound curls and Heidi do lunges, check out the video by clicking here

I Have a Question for Nicolette Sheridan

Nicolette Sheridan partied it up at Lindsay Lohan's 4th home, Chateau Marmont, for a Lucky Magazine event held there the other night. This made me really start to think (and that's never a good thing). I have a question for Nicolette. Nicolette, do you have testicles? And by that I mean, do you have male testicles in your pants? When you're high up in a building and look over the edge towards the ground, does anything ever...er...uh...um..."tighten up" down there? If so please don't worry about it. It's normal. It just means that you do, in fact, have male genitalia. Good day.

Dina Lohan Addresses Everyone. I Address Dina. I Also Address Envelopes, But That's Another Story.

I hate when I take a day off from IBBB as a lot tends to happen in the news. By now you all have heard that Dina Lohan seems to be personally addressing every single TV show, person, and website out there that is commenting on Lindsay Lohan. She's pissed at Jay Leno for allowing jokes about Lindsay to be broadcast during such a difficult time. She's pissed at the paparazzi. She's also emailed Maxim magazine too! I love me some crazies. You know what, I feel like it's time that I address Dina Lohan, my newest obession.

Dear Dina (you wild little tramp),
How are you? What's new? N/M/H. I have a question for you. Do you spray-tan or go in the actual tanning bed? My money is on the spray-tan just because you're a little on the orange side. Well, it's more of a tangerine color actually and tanning bulbs typically make you more brown/red than orange. Just a question, don't get so defensive. I heard you used to be a Rockette. What an honor! Can you still kick that high? I bet you can. If you can, perhaps you can literally kick Lindsay's ass because that what she needs, a good ass kicking. While you're at it, bitch slap Ali too. Do it while she's young enough to listen. As a side note, if Lindsay is still looking for a new personal assistant I think I'm the perfect candidate (just don't read anything on this site titled: Lindsay Lohan and/or Lindsay No Pants). Anyway, hope you are well. Keep fighting the good fight and keep tanning the good tan!

P.S --> White-trash with money never goes out of style.

Luke-Warm Regards,

Thursday, July 26, 2007

ImBringingBloggingBack Turns 1, Acts 1

Wow, ImBringingBloggingBack turns 100 years old today! Ok, not 100, but it feels like it. Today, this crazy little blog turns 1-years old. What a f'n treat. Who would have thought that my 4th grade humor and observations would still be kicking after 1-year. Personally, I'm shocked that anyone reads this crap and continues to come back on a regular basis but almost 1-million readers later this little engine keeps on chugging. IBBB (as the kids now call it) has opened up so many doors for me and also got me in touch with some great people over the last year. Don't get me wrong, it also got me in touch with some real assholes to which if I ever see you on the streets of New York I will be sure to fist-fight your in the middle of Times Square. And you know who you are....Bindi Irwin.

So what will the next year likely bring you? Well, in the longest site redesign in website history, IBBB is going through a major rehaul. I mean I've seen the concept of the new site about 2 times and don't know why it's taking to long, but it is. So look out for the new site soon (sometime before 2010). Expect some more interaction from yours truly. Perhaps more videos? Who knows. I also made it through one full year without ANY advertisements. I have not made one dime off of this brilliance. Well, get ready for me to sell out BIG TIME in year-2. I'm also going to shift my focus towards becoming a celebrity personal assistant, preferably a celebrity who is in the process of getting their own reality show. This way, I get to network AND be on TV. It's a win-win for America and for me (sorry China). One thing is for sure though, I will continue my hunt for the Olsen Sluts. That will never change. Oh, and I will continue to try and make it as a model in the Harriet Carter Catalog. Please send her requests.

Thanks for making this a great year. I'm hoping year-2 is even better and if it isn't I personally blame each and every one of you. Since it is my 1-year, I'm taking the day off today. Bite me. See you tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

...In Other News...

Christina Aguilera Cameltoe & Fupa!

Ah good times. Clearly, it's time to play everyones favorite game The ImBringingBloggingBack Cameltoe Rating System...to the Stars! You know the rating system, you can be awarded up to 5 camels, but nobody has ever been given 5 camels before...until now. Christina Aguilera was in concert the other night in Sydney, Australia and I have awarded her 5 glorious camels. Why? It's very simple, my friends. Christina is rocking the snow-white camel AND the Fupa AND she even has some "back-up cameltoe" with the chick on the right. Brilliant, brilliant, and brilliant. Technically, I think this is called "Back-Up Camel Fupa." Congratulations Christina. You will clearly make it into our Hall of Fame.

Even More Fun:
Best Christmas Gifts for 2017 Into 2018!
Men's Cologne Brands Totally On Trend For 2018
Perfume & Fragrance For Women We Love
2018 Mens Fashion Guide for Guys
The New Hot Toys Everyone Wants In 2018

The Real Culprit? Promises Rehab

Everyone keeps on blaming Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears for their crazy ways. They (allegedly) having drinking and drug problems. I don't blame them. However, everyone keeps on looking past one common thread: Promises Rehab. What in the hell goes on at Promises Rehab? Whatever it is that they do there, it doesn't seem to be working. As opposed to writing an open letter to Dina, Lindsay, or Michael Lohan - I've decided to write an open letter to a building; Promises Rehab.

Dear Promises Rehab,

How are you? I'm fine. What's new? N/M/H. I have a quick question for you, Promises. What the hell takes place at your facility? I always thought it was a rehab facility, but now I kind of think it's just a club. I feel like it's Hyde 2.0. Is your "club" a place for celebrities to drink and do lines of coke off of a public toilet? Whatever you do there to help doesn't seem to be working. In fact, it seems to make these celebrities worse. Maybe your facility shouldn't be so nice and "ritzy." Maybe Lindsay doesn't need to play tennis on your property and be allowed to go out to the gym 6 times a day. Maybe, just maybe, you should be strapping people to their beds and force them to listen to the entire soundtrack of "The Bodyguard" until the alcohol and drugs run from their systems. The only downfall of this method is that they may develop and unhealthy hatred for Whitney Houston, but that's a whole different issue. Anyway, Promises, do you have a free one-day pass that you could provide me? I kinda want to check it out. It looks like a blast.

Luke-Warm Regards,

Beyonce Falls Down the Stairs

Remember when Whitney from "The Hills" slid down the stairs on Good Morning America? Yeah, well this is nothing like it. Beyonce was "in concert" and actually went head first down a flight of stairs on stage. Strangely, she got up and kept dancing like nothing ever happened. Perhaps the weave acts like a protective helmet? I'm not too sure how those things work. Anyway, of course this clip made it onto YouTube. The person who is filming this is clearly in the last row and the clip is a bit fuzzy, but you can see Beyonce clearly plunge to the bottom around 1 minute 40 seconds (ish). The reaction from the crowd is priceless.

Steve Sanders and Brody Jenner Break Up: Girls Will Be Girls!

It's official, Steve Sanders and Brody Jenner have officially broken up. How sad after 10 years! However, what perfect timing just weeks before "The Hills Season 3" starts up again. These two bitches started brawling after Steve Sanders made fun of Nicole Richie (Brody's ex-girlfriend) in Details Magazine back in the day. Then, Steve Sanders got all pissed at Brody that he was trying to start up a friendship with Lauren Conrad again. Later Zack and Kelly tried to trick Mr. Belding into thinking that that school was canceled and Jim and Cindy Walsh found out about this trick and were pissed. They we so upset they punished Greg and Marsha for almost a week, which really sucked because then Blossom and Six never got to go to the prom and that really ruined the 5th season of 7th Heaven (what?). Wow, it's hard to keep up when girls fight!

Back to the actual story...so Steve gave Brody an ultimatum. He has to choose between him and Lauren. Brody chose Lauren so, when asked for a response, Steve Sanders said, "I wish them both the best. They are made for each other." No comment has been made yet from either of Heidi's new boobs. How rude!

Seriously, are these two for real? My words of advice? Kill yourself. Ok, at least think about it.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Lindsay Free!

This weeks Harriet Carter Wednesday is proudly sponsored by Goya! Ole! Ok, it's not. Happy HCW (as the kids are now calling it) and I'm proud to say that this weeks HCW is 100% Lindsay free. That means that it's good for you! So what could Harriet be selling us this week? Let's go...

Product # 1 - Let's face it, if you're purchasing from the Harriet Carter catalog, you can't be too high falutin'. Clearly you go to restaurants that must be invested with roaches, mouse droppings, and possibly even some roadkill that got kicked in from the streets. With all that crap on the ground where in the hell can you put your purse? Well worry no longer because now Harriet is selling the "Hollywood Purse Hook!" Wow, Hollywood! It must be very fancy and very expensive that only the rich and famous can afford it. Oh, it isn't? Ok. Well it is very easy to use. All you need to to is fasten one end to your Friendly's table (you know that's where you're eating) and simply place your purse at the end of the hook. Viola! Done! Now the mice from the restaurant can't jump into your purse and this also makes it very easy to steal stuff right from the table without the waitress noticing. Efficient.

Product # 2 - I love you "Failure Model Chick." You mean the world to me. I don't even care that you're about to put green lipstick directly into your eye. There isn't anything that you won't do for me. And, I love you so much that if you need to poke your eye out because of your failure model career then I say go for it. Without an eye you can definitely get an eye patch and there has to be millions of dollars to be made in "pirate" modeling, no? As a side note, why is "failure model chick" wearing Mrs. Potato lips?

Product # 3 - Looking to count calories throughout the day? Well does Harriet have the "tool" for you. Now you can simply "count" all day using this handy "tool." Don't worry that it looks like a "personal massager" just go with it. You may want to "count" in private though. Don't use this oddly shaped "counter" in the middle of the grocery aisle due to the "noise" it or you may make while "using it." In case you can't crack my "quotes" code, it looks like a vibrator. Jeeze, do I need to spell everything out for you people? Also, why does it look like it says, "fat," "crack," and "others" on this calorie counter? Where the hell else are you putting it?

Product # 4 - Toe extenders. Gross. Seriously. Nasty. You know what? If you need these things just saw your foot off and replace it with a wooden stump. That would look a little prettier than that mess pictured above. Gross. I can't take my eyes off of it. They look like horses leaving the gate. Gross. You're gross. Harriet is gross. Suddenly, "failure model chick" isn't look so gross anymore. Hey wait, I wonder if that's her foot!? Could it be "failure model foot?"

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Arrested Again, Again, Again. Back to Jail for DUI and Coke!

Just when I thought that Lindsay could sneak a drink since Britney was being all crazy, it now appears that Lindsay No Pants was arrested AGAIN early this morning in Santa Monica for drunk driving. What in the hell happened to her "Alcohol Ankle Braclet?" Maybe she bought it from The Harriet Carter Catalog?

Rumors are already starting that some coke was found in the car too. She must have one of those cards where every time you get arrested you get your card stamped. If you achieve 4 arrests you get one "get out of jail free" card.

Oh Lindsay, you crazy little minx. They should just put you down and call it a day. Back to Promises!

As more developments arise I will update you....a day later.

Who Said This!?!

...In Other News...

It was only a matter of time before Kellie Pickler felt the heat from Hollywood and dropped 17 pounds. Sadly, her boobs have also suffered from this pressure. Kellie showed off her new body as she sang her new single, "I Wonder" on Good Morning America the other day. "I Wonder" where her boobs went? Perhaps into hiding until winter? One may never know. In other news...

~ Lisa Rinna Plays in Central Park ~ DSF
~ Sharon Stone Tries to Hypnotize the Paparazzi ~ CelebritySmack
~ When Man-Boobs Attack ~ DListed
~ Our Vice President is Smart Too ~ EvilBeet
~ The Simpsons Market Themselves and Piss People Off ~ FatBack
~ PopBytes Goes to The Flavor Flav Roast. I Still Hunt for Olsens in NYC ~ PopBytes
~ Kim Kardashian Does it All for Charity ~ AgentBedHead
~ Kate Moss Sex Tape? ~ Yeeeah
~ Is Lindsay Lohan in the Swimsuit Competition? ~ MollyGood
~ Hollywood's New Rat Pack. The Rat Punks. ~ CityRag

It's Ok to Sneak a Drink Now Lindsay, I Have a Feeling the Attention Will Be on Britney For a Little While

Let's face it, life is a little more interesting when Britney goes all 6's and 7's. It has been reported by TMZ.com that the interview and photo-shoot with OK! Magazine was a complete shit-show. Allegedly the photos of Britney are so bad that the magazine feels like it can end her career. Really? Isn't kind of over anyway? Randoms on the set of the shoot are saying that Britney's mood was all jacked up and kept on changing each time she would return from the bathroom, which was multiple times. Maybe she was just constipated. That can put you in a weird mood, no?

So OK! Magazine is in a bit of a situation now because they are trying to decide if they should show the pictures for what they really are or edit things up in order to protect Britney. Here's my thought. Show the "nice" interview and then sell the photos to some websites (or donate them to IBBB). It's a win-win.

I attempted to reach Britney for comment, but my calls were not returned....but only because I didn't leave messages, as I don't have her number and had to just hang up my phone. Wait, where was I?

Eva Mendes Shows "Squeezed Boob" and "Almost Ass" in Jane Magazine

Eva Mendes may have man-hands, but she is showing a little more than her hands in the new issue of Jane Magazine. She's such a tease. Eva shows a little squeezed boob and "almost ass" and then she is just about to show the real thing, but sadly two bouquets of flowers sprouted from her chest. Damn Mother Nature! Damn her straight to hell! Sure they may have photoshopped the ever-loving piss out of these pictures, but she's still hot. I think everyone should be photoshopped, all the time. Everywhere. That and tanned. Get yourself photoshopped and tanned. Hmmm I may be onto something.

I Bet Coke is Pissed

Seriously, I bet Coke is pissed. While most companies would love a free celebrity endorsement I bet Coke is freaking out right now. Not only do you get the perfect shot of Lindsay holding the Coke, but you even get the shot of Lindsay holding the Coke and with her freckled boobs hanging out. You know that the Coke marketing team is in a boardroom right now brainstorming ideas to inform the American pubic that Coke does not cause syphilis, herpes, and does not lead to an increased chance of drug or alcohol abuse.

Britney Spears: "Hey You Fat F#ck!"

I don't care that this story is old news. As you know my computer was on the fritz and I was unable to comment on it and I can't help but to do it now. Britney was with her kids getting back into her car when she was hounded by the paparazzi. How does Britney respond? Brilliantly. Britney snapped a bit and told one of the paparazzi that they should try Weight Watchers and then proceeded to call this person a "fat f*ck." I mean seriously? Brilliant. First off I love the expression "fat f*ck." Second, plugging Weight Watchers is not only awesome, but she is simultaneously basically made fun of both Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertonelli. Priceless. I hope Britney never gets normal. Ever. I want to her constantly call all those in her way "fat f*cks." This world would be a better place is she did so.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Technical Difficulties

Sorry folks, having technical difficulties today. As soon as I perform and exorcism on my computer I will be back...hopefully by tomorrow. Waa Wahhhh.

Friday, July 20, 2007

...In Other News...

Britney is in the process of shooting a new music video...or porn....I can't keep track. Sadly, she looks like a whore in mourning. What? Whores have to mourn too. Don't judge. Her new music video, "Get Back," makes me feel like this will be a love ballad. We'll have to wait and see. In other news...

~ Cindy Crawford Still Hot ~ DSF
~ Amy Winehouse is a Spitter ~ CelebritySmack
~ At First, I Thought This Was Rudy Huckstable ~ DListed
~ Lindsay Remembers Pants, Forgets Bra ~ EvilBeet
~ Tammy Faye Not Doing So Well ~ PopBytes
~ Did My Jessica Alba Get a Nose Job? ~ AgentBedHead
~ Nick Nolte Seems Like a Fun Guy ~ Yeeeah

Lindsay Lohan Arrested. No Big Deal

Following in her father's footsteps, Lindsay Lohan recently checked out of rehab and then checked herself into the Beverly Hill police department in order to be officially arrested for her May 2007 DUI. Poor little Lindsay had to stay there for about 1 hour, but was finally release when she coughed up $30,000. You can expect to see Lindsay No Pants in court on August 24th, which is my friend Janine's birthday. Someone always tries to steal her spotlight on her birthday, so it only makes sense that that bitch, Lindsay, would try to do it. I hope she gets the electric chair (not Lindsay, my friend Janine). No word yet if Dina Lohan plans on getting her white-trash-ass arrested in order to compete with her ex-husband for Lindsay's approval.

Who Said That!?!

Getting to Know You. And You, My Friends, Are Perverts.

Well it's Friday so that means useless and random blog posts. Therefore I present to you another installment of Getting to Know YOU where we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow arriving at ImBringingBloggingBack. People are nuts. Go figure. So enjoy the craziness and my commentary.

  • Bringing the blogging back (clearly the Germans are searching Google)

  • Mariah Carey's clothes fall off (uh, they're too tight to just "fall off")

  • Make my dinner bitch (uh-oh, someone is getting a beating tonight!)

  • Jealous bitches hate I'm married (really? you sound sweet)

  • I'm really pissed at my bitch of a siter (how can I help?)

  • Bud Bundy with Bud Light (because that would be awesome)

  • "Messing my pants" (cleanup, aisle 7)

  • Picture of Tim Allen in a speedo (for the love of God, why?)

  • If I wants to become call boy (it's great to have goals)

  • Should I wear underpants during jogging? (nope)
  • Bitches on myspace (someone is wife-hunting)

  • Celeb eyepatch (why? what will you do with this information?)

  • I'm the girl down your block and in your hood (ok. nice to meet you)

  • Bangs are back (no clue)

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Breaking News: Jodie Sweetin Got Married

Clearly I have an unhealthy obsession with the cast of Full House and Full House references so I only see it fitting that I fill you all in on the news that Jodie Sweetin, Stephanie Tanner, recently got married in Vegas. Jodie, who is only 25, has been married once before but her marriage crumbled when Jodie got addicted to Crystal Meth. See what happens when you start out by going to Gia's make-out party? First you're attending a make-out party and then you're hooked on meth. It's a natural progression. Anyway, no word if the Olsen Skanks attended the Vegas wedding, but one thing is for sure...Papooli definitely didn't attend the wedding because he died while visiting the Tanners. We'll miss you Papooli, but you'll always be there in spirit...and in reruns.

When Will Amanda Bynes Go to Skank?

When oh when will Amanda Bynes go to skank? Amanda Bynes has been everywhere lately promoting the new movie she's in, Hairspray. Personally, I think the movie looks like a bad acid trip and will never see it, but I digress. Moving on, so Amanda is everywhere (pictured above on TRL the other day) and she's the sticky sweet girl who never seems to do anything wrong. While most people probably see this as refreshing from the rest of the trash that runs around Hollywood, I've began to wonder, "when will Amanda Bynes go to skank?" I think we're ready for it. It will definitely make her more interesting and if she did go to skank then that would increase the chances of me wanting to see her movies and/or watch her TV shows. Until then I am officially boycotting Amanda Bynes. If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything. Wait, was that just a public service announcement? I think it was. Good day.

Britney Bra. Britney Panties. Sure.

Britney isn't crazy anymore. Nope, not crazy at all. Britney Spears was taking a little time off from normalcy to take an impromptu swim at the beach in Malibu. So, probably not realizing that there were 45 photographers watching her every move she stripped down to her bra and underwear....and stringy black wig...and then jumped right in. Strange how she forgot her bathing suit, but remembered her towel. This chick is about 2 wigs away from a dirt nap.

Who Shot That!?!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

...In Other News...

Big Brother: Sure I'll Recap Ya!

True story. I got an email from an angry ImBringingBloggingBack reader who was upset that I haven't recapped any episodes from this season of Big Brother. So, I gave in and figured I would recap last nights episode. I'm going to need the practice with "The Hills" starting up soon. Oh, and let me just say that I almost didn't watch this season of Big Brother after yours truly made it to the last round of the semi-finals, but never made into the Big Brother house this season. Yeah, I said it. I so thought I was leaving this blog in the dust and would become a household name. Oh well, there's always next year....rat bastards. Ok, so here's my thoughts on last nights episode. It's my commentary and a recap. It's a commencap.

  • Great it's the "power of veto" episode. This one is always the worst because no one ever uses it. Although my favorite part is at the end when they all stand up in slow-motion and play the "Survivor" music.

  • What is Jen talking about "negative sarcasm?" Is there "positive sarcasm?" Where do I sign up?

  • "Evil Dick" and Danielle are on the chopping block. Evil Dick as the "Frankie Factor." What's the Frankie Factor you ask? Remember Frankie from MTV's Real World? Yeah, I couldn't eat while watching her because she looked filthy. Evil Dick looks like he leaves a ring around the bathtub.

  • Now, does Danielle suffer from "the anorexia" or "the bulimia?" I always forget which one makes your shoulder blades pop out.

  • Why does Nick have on a 100% sweater while in the diary room? They're in LA right? Wait, maybe their not. Is that the twist?

  • Seriously is this crap for real? Nick starts to cry when telling Danielle he has feeling for her. I mean there are no real tears, but he says he's going to cry. Danielle then tells Nick her big secret. She isn't 21. She's 20. Da-da-duuuun. That changes everything! No wait, it doesn't.

  • Why does Mike never blink? He's like that crazy run-away-bride chick that said she got kidnapped. Know who I'm talking about?

  • Ummm is Amber clinically crazy. She cries about 23 hours per day. She even cried when she got picked to try for the "power of veto." But not liked cried. She sobbed. Nuts. Awesome.

  • Wait, she's crying again and saying it's not fair that her name got picked to play the game. Was she not allowed to bring her meds into the house?

  • Wait, now she's crying again, again. The roommates think it's really nice of her to cry for them. Nice? I would file a restraining order.

  • Everyone is fighting, although I'm not following it. Did I just black out?

  • Danielle wins the "power of veto." Does that mean she gets to eat now...or no?

  • So Jen wins a unitard that she must wear all week. To recap, it basically shows a little or a lot of cameltoe. I feel Big Brother stole my idea.

  • In closing, Danielle took herself off the block and Joe was nominated. The end.

  • P.S If you don't watch Big Brother, none of this will have made sense.

Harriet Carter is Getting Purdy

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Harriet's changing the way you experience your hump-day one white-trash product at a time. Where were you when you first discovered Harriet Carter? Let's go...

Product # 1 - Now where did this little gem come from? Not the product...the girl. I guarantee this is Harriet's grand-daughter. I don't know how she snuck by me all these months. In case you can't tell, the product is a "lip gloss crown." Pretty. I believe each of those colors are perfect for the everyday streetwalker and $2.00 whore (yes there is a difference). What a great way to really slut up your little girl by letting her skank up her lips with such wonderful colors. Purple means "I go to first base." Green means, "I go to second base." Yellow means, "I missed my period." Dark pink means, "The baby is not yours, but the STD is." And what in the hell is wrong with this girls face? Is she putting on lipstick or acid? Seriously it looks like it's burning her lips. Can she put any of that lip stuff on the rest of her face? You know, to hide the ugly and all. Yeah that's right. I just attacked a little girl and I'll do it again. Oh, and I mean made fun of her...not like anything perverted. Anyway, thanks Harriet for making all little girls into strippers, porn stars, and street walking whores.

Product # 2 - Harriet loves her some pillows with catchy sayings. I think the sayings don't always make sense. I mean, sometimes they rhyme, but I'm lost in the meaning. This pillow says, "Cousins are Many. Friends are Few. I'm Glad I Found Both in You." Huh? I don't even think that's statistically correct. I have more friends than cousins. Don't most people? I mean, if you're buying this pillow then you definitely fall into the "friends are few" category for sure, but for the rest of us it doesn't add up...literally. It should say something more like, "You Are My Cousin. I Have No Friends. The Material This Pillow is Made Out of is Probably Flammable and Combustible and Has Been Known to Cause Cancer in the State of California." Ok fine, so it doesn't rhyme at all, but I feel it's more important to be honest then to rhyme. That is a motto we should all follow. Ok where was I? Oh yeah, don't ever buy anyone a pillow with a saying on it unless it can somehow smother them....then do it.

Product # 3 - Woo-hoo! Yeah! You looking to really sex up your bedroom? Yeah you know you are you dirty little pig. Yes folks that is faux-silk AND fringe. I know! You're wondering how on earth one could afford both faux-silk and fringe, let alone cover your entire bed frame in it. Well you don't have to be the king and/or queen of England to afford such luxuries any more thanks to Harriet Carter. Is this for real? It looks like something something that Mrs. Roper use to wear to the Reagle Beagle on a Friday night when she was meeting up with Jack, Janet, and Chrissy. Yeah, I just went there with you. I'm an 80's name-dropper. Anyway, I'd love to see whose bedroom is decorated in this mess. I bet you have cats. Lots of cats. And a dog. And some peanut butter. And...well you know the rest.

The Al Qaeda Hearts "The Google"

Let me tell ya, not drinking directly after work really allows you to learn some interesting things. For example, I got home from work last night (I'm a surgeon) and put on the NBC Nightly News, which apparently exists, and learned a lot! For example, there is still a war going on over in Iraq. I assumed it was the Korean War, but I guess that ended like 5 years ago or something. Even more interesting, there was a whole story on the Al Qaeda and how many people are starting to join the Al Qaeda simply by Googling some of their favorite terrorist terms and finding websites where you can start taking some Al Qaeda classes. No joke. They interviewed this one guy who said he literally was searching on "jihad" and "al qaeda" and that's how he got himself enrolled into his terrorist classes. Who knew becoming a terrorist was so easy and efficient!? Seriously, the whole world is going to implode. Those terrorist trainees must realllly be focused. I mean, every time I start searching for anything in Google I always get sidetracked by all this abundance of porn that's out there. I wouldn't be a good terrorist. Oh well, I can always try hard to be a good illegal immigrant. Oh wait, nevermind. Doh!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

...In Other News...

Victoria Beckham: The Lucille Ball of Our Generation

So I've been reading a lot of books lately. I know, it goes against everything I believe in. So, in order to dumb-me-down again I checked out the Victoria Beckham reality show. Will my head explode? Will the horrific British accent kill me? Will I make it through the whole episode? Let's see how this went down:

  • Instantly I am disappointed that there aren't subtitles. I am having a hard time following along to the British accent. If they can provide subtitles to Ozzy they sure as hell can provide it to Poshtoria.
  • So some girl shows up to try to be Poshtoria's assistant. As a "try out" she gets to hang out with her for a few days to see how it goes. I want to be the personal assistant of a celebrity...or a reality show star...or a fauxlebrity....or a celebrity impersonator. I don't even need to get paid. I can make money by selling crack on the streets in my spear time to children in a school playground. I really want to be one now. Where do I sign up? Crap I missed some of the episode by thinking about this new plan I have to be a celebrity assistant.
  • Crap. Poshtoria has a "Paris Hilton That's Hot" saying. Hers is "that's major." See what she did there? She replaced the word "hot" with "major." I hate myself a little more at this point.
  • Victoria then meets up with Perez Hilton. He needs no more press. Moving on...
  • Next up, she gets her license, goes to the house of some crazy-rich-elderly-drunken neighbors, goes house hunting, and practices for earthquakes. Oh, and she goes shopping. I'm pretty sure all of this happens within one day.
  • I pause for a minute to try and remember why she has her own television show. Oh yeah, she's moving to LA. When I moved to NYC my sister took a couple of pictures of me. Basically, I can totally relate.
  • Moving on Poshtoria and crew try to fool the paparazzi by buying a blowup doll and making it look like Poshtoria and then driving it around town. I was just about to make a blowup doll joke, but Poshtoria beat me to it. This sucks.
  • Next - she throws out the first pitch at the Dodgers game. That was dumb, but the best part was Tommy Lasorda having no clue who she was and what appeared to be him having a stroke. Brilliant.
  • Welcome to "the America" Poshtoria. Terrorists....get her!

Kelly Clarkson Will Never Pass up a Cookie, Ever. Not Even if it's Laced with Drugs or Not Laced with Drugs. To Sum Up: She Likes Cookies.

Kelly Clarkson is one wild and crazy SOB. Get this. Once, while in Amsterdam, Kelly tried a...wait for it....wait for it.....wait for it....cookie that was laced with marijuana. FINALLY a logical reason for the fat ass. What? It's medical. Now don't jump ship yet you die-hard Kelly Clarkson fans. Little Kelly only tried this one time because it was legal in Amsterdam and insists that she has never done it again. So kids, what's the big life lesson that Kelly is trying to teach? It's ok to do anything in any country as long it's legal. I think in some countries it's ok to have sex with chickens. Go have fun kids! Gobble Gobble!