Friday, August 31, 2007

...In Other News...

Rihanna's forehead (fivehead) and IBBB wanted to wish everyone a safe and happy, yet reckless and sad, Labor Day weekend! Drive fast. Take chances. We'll be back on Tuesday (IBBB, not Rihanna). In other news...

~ Jessica Alba Walking: Good Enough for Me! ~ AgentBedHead
~ All Your "The Hills" Recaps in One Place. Brilliant. ~ JustinBobby
~ If Celebrities Endorsed Candy ~ CelebritySmack
~ Princess Diana Still Dead ~ PopBytes
~ Edie Falco Looking Like a Hot(less) Mess ~ EvilBeet
~ Hayden Panettiere Shows a Little ~ NinjaDude
~ Paris, a Wonderful Dancer ~ DSF

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Britney Spears: Cold As Fire: New Song

So this could be the latest song by Britney Spears called "Cold As Fire." Supposedly this is it. We've heard a million different examples of "Britney's new song"but I really hope this is it only because if it is, it's horrible! No joke, I actually lost hearing by listening to it. It wasn't so much the song as it was the pencils that I shoved in my ears.
Take a listen if you will and you tell me that it doesn't sound like something that "Hot Sunday" wouldn't have recorded. You remember "Hot Sunday" don't you? You know, the group that that Zack from Saved By the Bell Started for the show that included Kelly, Jessie and Lisa. Wait am I the only one who remembers that!?

Britney Spears: Cold As Fire: New Song
Celebrity Gossip

Getting to Know YOU! Oh, and YOU are Nuts.

I present to you another installment of Getting to Know YOU where we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow arriving at ImBringingBloggingBack. People are nuts. Go figure. So enjoy the craziness and my commentary.
  • Lindsay Lohan can't eat my diaper (of course she can't when she's in rehab. duh.)

  • Alex Trebek gossip (really? I mean, "what is really?")

  • Are you sassing your grandmother? (no, I would NEVER sass my grandmother).

  • Cultural butt size j lo (I don't even know what that means, but glad I could help!)

  • Everybody gets schools (Oprah must be up to something again)

  • Girl shooting beer out of her ass (happy hour?)

  • Toothless crackwhore (is she single?)

  • Bedazzled prom theme (sounds like a hot prom)

  • Blogging for boobs (wow, this whole time I was just doing it for money)

  • I'm pregnant, cat stopped using litter box (the cat is totally the father)

  • Harriet Carter lead paint (God forbid!)

  • Doing coke from same bag hepatitis (wow, you sound very busy with things right now)

  • What happened to Heidi's puppy (Heidi got 2 new puppies and 1 new nose)

  • Too old to wear Abercrombie (if you're even asking, the answer is "yes")

  • Teri Snatcher (always makes me laugh)

  • Picture of Mickey Mouse sticking middle finger up (if you find this, send it to me)

  • Nell Furtado having sex with Elmo (who's "Nell Furtado?" Nell Carter maybe. R.I.P)

  • Steve Sanders or Spencer Pratt (looks like my nickname is catching on!)

Celebrity Gossip

Thursday, August 30, 2007

...In Other News...

Newport Harbor: The Bikes

Ah Laguna Beach, I mean Newport Harbor. What a great show. After watching the latest episode I've realized that the most interesting thing of the episode was the bikes that Chrissy and crew seem to ride throughout the episode, but we'll get to that in a few. Here's how this crapisode of Newport Harbor went down:

  • The episode kicks off with Chase and Taylor breaking up. I think it had something to do with the police because they kept saying, "No you're a cop" to each other. Weird.

  • Enter "the bikes." What the F is up with the bikes that Chrissy and Sasha are on? First off I think they got these bikes off the set of The Brady Bunch. Second, do they even know how to ride these things? No joke they're swerving the whole time while riding them. Third, why do they have squeaky toys on them? And 4th, how are they filming this scene? Is the camera crew on a truck or are they just walking and filming it because Chrissy and Sasha are peddling at 1 mile per hour? I have a feeling we'll see these bikes again.

  • Clay and his random ass friend "Austin" go for a slice of pizza. Austin kind of has the "Gotti Boys" hairdo but without the gel. Basically his hair is feathered all over, especially in the back. The sides of his hair looks like he was going for the Charlies Angel look. Maybe he was. To each his own.

  • Is everyone on this show called either Clay or Chase? I'm confused.

  • Steve Sanders Jr (Grant) is out on a scripted date with Taylor in which I believe he is wearing a black valour shirt. It could be a valour track suit. It's hard to tell. During the dinner date, Steve Sanders Jr suggests going to the hot tub and Chase tries to call Taylor but she won't answer. Wait, I've seen this whole thing before during Laguna Beach. No joke, do they think we're stupid? This show is exactly the same as Laguna Beach, even the storylines. It's like when "The Office" came to America. Each episode of the first season was the same as the British version of "The Office." At least the was technically overseas. Newport Harbor is down the street from Laguna Beach. Get original!

  • Oh, and by the way, we get it. Verizon and Motorola must sponsor this show. I think they showed the Verizon and Motorola phones 15 times in this episode.

  • Chase goes over to Chrissy's house and kisses her. Luckily they didn't show it.

  • In another "same exact scene from Laguna Beach," Chrissy and Taylor "bump" into each other at a clothing store and give awkward looks at each other while they look for clothes.

  • In another "same exact moment from Laguna Beach," the guys are having a poker night and the girls crash it. Oh wait, this is completely different than the Laguna Beach episode because in the Laguna Beach episode of poker night they were drinking out of RED keg cups and in the Newport Harbor poker night episode they are drinking out of BLUE keg cups. Completely different.

  • At poker night, Clay doesn't talk to Chrissy so the next day she rides her Brady Bunch bike over to Clay's house to have an awkward and scripted conversation. Clay is pissed at Chrissy and she sadly rides her bike away, swerving the whole time. Awesome. Wear a helmet ya freak!

I feel like I should watch Newport Harbor on life support.

Newport Harbor: The Bikes
Like Newport Harbor recaps? Check out some of The Hills Recaps over at Justin Bobby!

Angelina Looks Like She's Over It

I think we may have precisely pinpointed the exact moment when Angelina Jolie decided she was over her "charity work." Maybe she should stop adopting kids from all over the world and start spending money fixing peoples teeth. Seriously lady, get "Invisalign" or something. If not, stop smiling or stop doing the "ugly cry" or whatever it is you're doing. It doesn't look pretty in pictures.
Anyway, Angelina hauled ass to Iraq and listened to people bitch at a refugee camp. Actually that is pretty nice. I don't want to be mean or anything, but this lady shouldn't be complaining so much. I mean, how big can her problems be? There's a war in Iraq. Oh wait.

Angelina Looks Like She's Over It

Who Wants to See Anna Nicole Die Again?

No joke they could have made a better movie if they used the actual dead bodies of Anna Nicole and Daniel and made their arms and hands move by pulling strings. Think "Weekend at Bernie Part 5." So in case you couldn't get enough of the "story of Anna Nicole" you can now watch it all over again with a whole new cast of characters thanks to FOX! So who plays who, you ask?

  • Willa Ford plays Anna Nicole Smith
  • Patrick Ryan Anderson plays Daniel
  • Richard Herd plays Howard Marshall II
  • Chris Delvin plays Howard K Stern
  • Bobby Trendy plays Bobby Trendy

I think I knew only one of those people. Boring. Here's who I would have cast:

  • The mother from "Family Matters" plays Anna Nicole
  • Either Nicki or Alex from Full House plays Daniel
  • Judge Wapner plays Howard Marshall II
  • Quagmire from Family Guy plays Howard K Stern
  • Margaret Cho plays Bobby Trendy

And I'm pissed that "Kimmy" was never cast. Therefore I would cast:

  • Janet Reno plays Kimmy

Screw you Rusty!

Who Said That!?!
Who Wants to See Anna Nicole Die Again?

Paris Has a Reverse Poshtoria

This may be old news by now, but is Victoria Beckham's hairdo the new "Rachel?" Seems like it is. This time Paris is tackling that mess and really making it her own by taking basically the same style of our beloved Poshtoria and just reversing it and wearing it to the left. It's great. It makes Paris look even more bird-like, which is always a treat. I want to feed her worms from my mouth. Er...

Paris wanted to have a couple of quiet days so she headed to Vegas to promote her new clothing line and partied it up at Pure. I believe she is hanging out with the even more cracked out version of Angelina Jolie. As a side note, I wonder if Paris is still reading the Bible. She's probably taking the tissue-paper thin pages and using them to roll a bone.

Tom Brady: Boston Fan When in Boston

New father to a bastard child, Tom Brady was finally showing his Boston pride while in Boston with girlfriend, Gisele. Strange how Tom wears Yankees hats while in New York. I mean, I don't want to say "traitor," but I will. Traitor. Seriously, who's going to mess with Tom Brady? I'm sure he'll be fine if he wears his Red Sox hat while in NYC.

Anyway, Tom an Gisele were in the Back Bay of Boston having a little lunch when some paparazzi snapped this picture. Who knew paparazzi were in Boston!? Meanwhile, bad luck Bridget Moynahan is allegedly pretty bitter over Tom not being there during their pregnancy and spending his time with Gisele. Uh, yeah probably because she's a supermodel and you had gained like 400 pounds. I mean this wasn't exactly Sophie's Choice. Bridget did not add "Brady" to the babies name and I guess the time spent in the hospital between Tom and Bridget was awwwwwkkkkwwwward. And so are the days of our lives...

Thanks IBBB reader, Janine, for the heads up on the Boston pic. In thanks, I give you nothing.

Who Claims This!?!
Tom Brady: Boston Fan When in Boston

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

...In Other News...

Beautiful. Stunning. Amy Winehouse washed up on shore while she was vacationing in the Caribbean with her husband. I am a little disappointed that there aren't pictures of Amy and her husband beating the bag out of each other. Sad day. In other news...

~ Which Simpson May Be Getting Their Own Talkshow? ~ AgentBedHead
~ Jenna Jameson Kisses Like a Porn Star ~ Yeeeah
~ Cameron Diaz in "What Happens in Vegas" ~ CelebritySmack
~ Wait, Sharon Stone is a Mother? ~ DirtyDisher
~ Paris Gives a Teddy Bear a STD ~ POTP
~ Backstreets Back in Hanes Sweatshirts! ~ DListed
~ Best and Worst Beach Bodies of 07 ~ PopBytes
~ Hilary Swank in a Bikini with Horse Teeth ~ DSF
~ Sheryl Crow with Ghost Boobs ~ NinjaDude
~ Wait, Is Sophia Bush a Teenager? ~ FatBack
~ J Wahl is Getting Hitched (Jessica on Suicide Watch) ~ MollyGood

Harriet Carter Creepy Wednesday

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! This week Harriet tries to sell us some extra creepy crap and while "Failure Model Chick" hasn't been in the Harriet Carter catalog, I've noticed someone new popping up. I am pleased to introduce you to "Creepy Old Man Model." Let's go!

Product # 1 - Do you ever wish you could make a party out of going to the bathroom? Are you ever "mid-stream" and just feel like what you are doing is just so boring? Me too! There have been hundreds of times that I wished that my toilet set was all glowing as if I were on ecstasy. Well, thanks to Harriet Carter it now is! This is actually very safe too because how many time have you gone to sit down, ladies, and it was too dark and you ended up on the sink or the tub!? Well, just let your arse follow the bright blue glowing toilet seat and have a party on the toilet before you give a party to the toilet. Pissing has never been such a real blast!

Product # 2 - Speaking of pissing, etc now you can show your dinner guests exactly what your "secret dressing" really is! Seriously? Gross. It looks like the remains in a toilet after a night at el discotec. Just imagine being the hostess and being able to ask your guests, "Would you like me to add more # 1 or more # 2?" They'll be really glad you asked! You know what, keep it in a bottle, trash.

Product # 3 - Hahahahahah. Awesome. I love animals. Hey Sparky! No no, you can't ever exit the yard, but lets give you a little peek on exactly what you're missing out on....freedom. I love how Harriet loves animal cruelty. Priceless. Why the plastic piece though? It's not like the dog would be able to jump through the hole. And, I'd love to see the look on someones face as they walk by the fence and see a dog head go through it. Now if this was in my neighborhood that plastic piece would have been spray-painted with gang symbols. Good day.

Product # 4 - Alright! A new Harriet Carter model. Move over "Failure Model Chick" and make room for "Creepy Old Man Model!" Nothing says "Hey kids, I'm a pedophile" quite like this guy. Oh, and the t-shirt rules too. It says "Big Truck, Big Dude." It should also say "Big Douche" and "Big Molester." Just sayin'. What the hell is a matter with his face? He looks like the guy from Weekend at Bernie's without the mustache and sunglasses. Actually wait, is this guy dead? Maybe that's how Harriet got that t-shirt on him. Tricky Harriet!

Harriet Carter Creepy Wednesday

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Hills: Little Heidi on the Prairie

Another week of The Hills, another week of complete brain rot. On a very special "The Hills" episode, Heidi brings Steve Standers to meet her family in Colorado and Lauren continues the assault on her liver by drinking her way through the episode. Brilliant. Here's how it all went down and my thoughts as it happened:
  • Heidi and Steve Sanders go to get her engagement ring sized. Does Heidi ever take a brush to her rats nest of a hairdo? Just checking.
  • Sweet! Justin Bobby is back in action with Audrina (and her teeth) at the beach. Is Justin Bobby in a play? I feel like he always looks like he's in a play.
  • Audrina, Lauren, and Lo are at a diner and drinking (as always). Why is Lo dressed like Carmen Sandiego? Where in the world is Carmen SandiegLO? Ok, I can't take full credit for that. My sister actually text-messaged me that as the show was airing. Brilliant.
  • Heidi and Steve Sanders are in Colorado to meet her parents. As much as I make fun of Heidi on a daily and hourly basis, I must say that where her parents live looks awesome. I mean the population is probably about 11 people, but it looks like a postcard. Hopefully, Heidi will go back. Oh, and Heidi's mother? We'll get to that in a few minutes.
  • I LOVE seeing Audrina in a helmet. It just feels right. Audrina and Justin Bobby take Justin Bobby's motorcycle to Brody's Malibu Beach BBQ. Seriously, it's like one of those beach movies from the 60's with Annette Funiello.
  • Did Lo get a nose job? I must investigate.
  • The crew is playing in the water and Audrina's ass and teeth are all over the place. Awesome. Uh-oh Brody think he broke is finger playing football with Lauren.
  • Back to Heidi and fam. Heidi insults her dad in the worst way possible. She basically tells him that Steve Sanders is just like her dad. Really? What an interesting way to send someone into cardiac arrest.
  • Enter my favorite "Scripted Moment of The Hills Episode." During lunch Heidi's dad has "a talk" in private with Steve Sanders. Props to the way that Steve is petting the horse with the back of his hand. Very natural.
  • Oh, by the way if you're wondering where Heidi got her nose from.....her mom. For sure.
  • Brody is back and he ended up breaking his finger. So, just to be safe they basically put him in a body cast....or a "Brody Cast."
  • Why does Heidi's mom keep asking what happened between between her and Lauren? Did she not watch the last 2 seasons of the show that her daughter was's called "The Hills." She should check it out. That's why there are camera's around you right now as you're having this conversation with your daughter. Strange.
  • Apparently Heidi's parents own a restaurant in Colorado. It must cater to the 11 people who live in the town.
  • When Steve Sanders says to Heidi's parents, "I want Heidi to myself, you don't share her..." I turn red with embarrassment. I think they should lock Steve Sanders in a room and make him watch that clip over and over and over again.
  • Sweeeeet! Lauren and Audrina are drunk...AGAIN! Insert the "beer tears." Lauren cries because she's such a douche that she no longer has any friends except the people who are paid to be on her show. I'd cry too...but then I'd remember how rich I was and I would stop crying. Then I'd grab another drink. Then I'd ask Audrina how many teeth she had.
  • Justin Bobby left Audrina's helmet on the couch and apparently that's enough to make Audrina lose her shit and start crying. However the good news is that Audrina continues to smile even while crying. Audrina is always camera-ready.

Time for "The Hills Question of the Night": Are they setting up this season to have Heidi dump Steve Sanders and become friends with Lauren again? I'm seeing hints of this all over the place. I haven't gotten my hands on the script yet, but I bet it's in there.

The Hills: Little Heidi on the Prairie

When Did Kathy Ireland Morph?

Damn you time! Damn you straight to the fiery pits of hell! I remember having pictures of Kathy Ireland all over my bedroom wall and under my mattress of Kathy Ireland. We had a very serious relationship, she just didn't know it (her lawyers did though). Moving on, fast forward what seems like 350 years later and I come across these recent photos of my dear Kathy Ireland and I wonder when she morphed into a cross between Meg Ryan and Maria Shriver. Luckily she's more on the Meg Ryan side but it's only a couple more osteoporosis pills away from Maria Shriver. It's a dark day for me, a dark day.

Anyway, Kathy Ireland was doing some good deeds at the Miller Children's Hospital by hosting a mentor day for 50 single teenage mothers and later was at Long Beach Memorial Hospital passing out Teddy Bears and toys to sick children. I decided not to add those pictures as the kids made me feel like a horrible person for making fun of Kathy Ireland getting old. I mean, I know I'm a horrible person, but when the pictures of the kids are up their eyes follow me like the eyes of Jesus on the cross. But...I digress.

When Did Kathy Ireland Morph?

Michael Vick Found Jesus, Sets His Sights on Osama Bin Laden

Since I'm not really an animal lover I never ran with the dog-fighting story on Michael Vick. I mean, it's not that I'm not into dogs beating the bag out of each other (huge doggie endorsements), but this story really caught my eye when Michael Vick issued a statement that included him "Finding Jesus." I think that's great. I mean no offense, but Jesus has been missing for over 2,000 years. There's always that promise the He will come back to earth, but what a treat that Michael Vick was the one to find Him. What are the odds? I say Jesus first and then Osama Bin Laden second. Hell, maybe even bring Jesus to help find Bin Laden. I bet He knows where little old Red Riding Laden is.

Anyway, here's the rest of what Vick had to say (it clearly isn't as entertaining as my interpretation):

"I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself, to say the least. I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts. What I did was very immature so that means I need to grow up. "

I think it was kind of rude that he didn't apologize to Snoopy. Rude.

Who Said That!?!

Heidi and Steve Sanders Go Golfing

I'm going to say this as nicely as possible. If I was ever on the golf course or even the driving range and saw these two characters out there dressed like that I would hand them two brand new metal golf clubs and then I would perform my Native American rain dance that also brings on lightning and thunder. Basically, I would declare Jihad on the golf course.

Heidi and her fiance, Steve Sanders, were surprised and shocked when a camera crew were snapping pictures of them on the golf course. Although, they were gracious enough to stop and smile for the cameras. That's nice of them. They really are good people. Good, good people. I do have a question though. Why does it look like they're dressed for a skit in an old "I Love Lucy" episode?

Heidi and Steve Sanders Go Golfing

Monday, August 27, 2007

...In Other News...

~ Big Brother's Jen is Vanna White's Nanny ~ CelebritySmack
~ Mr. Bean's Holiday Review is Only 2 Clicks Away! ~ AgentBedHead
~ Miss Teen South Carolina is Wicked Smaaaahhht ~ EvilBeet
~ Mia Farrow is PISSED! ~ PopBytes
~ ANTM Contestants of the Future! ~ POTP
~ Are Dogs Supposed to be Set on Fire? ~ Yeeeah
~ Zellweger is Down to Olsen Weight ~ MollyGood
~ Why Would DSS Want to Talk With Britney!?! ~ AllieIsWired
~ Who Doesn't Love a Celebrity Clown? ~ CityRag
~ NFL not BFF with Vick ~ NinjaDude
~ Owen Wilson Wants Dirt Nap? ~ FatBack

Nick Hogan in Serious Car Accident

Nick Hogan, the son of Hulk Hogan and part of VH1 reality show "Hogan Knows Best," was in a serious car crash last night with another passenger. Nick is reportedly in serious condition while his passenger has been listed in critical condition.
Allegedly Nick and passenger were driving at extremely high speeds in Clearwater, Florida when the car hit a median, spun around, and hit a palm tree. Both were airlifted to a St. Petersburg hospital. Scary.
The car photos above were from moments after the crash and reportd by

Paula Abdul White Cotton Cameltoe

Thanks Paula! We haven't been able to play the ImBringingBloggingBack Cameltoe Rating the Stars in a little while so I'm really glad that you pulled through this time. Paula was out with her boyfriend a little while back running some errands, or just being crazy, but most importantly she was sporting a little cotton camel. This time around IBBB presents Paula with 2.5 camels out of a possible 5 camels. Now this is the first time we've awarded a "half camel" but it's basically self explanatory. Paula is only sporting half of a cameltoe, perhaps a first! Congratulations Paula. You shall place this award with all of your Grammy's and Oscars. Er....uh...

Who Shot That Cotton Cameltoe!?!
Paula Abdul White Cotton Cameltoe

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Britney White Trashes It Up with The Middle Finger. Blogger Decides to Stay.

Phhhhhew! Just when I contemplating stopping the blog because Britney was normal, she really pulls one out at the 11th hour and convinces me to stick around. Britney and her "friends" where driving away from some club and gave the finger to those driving by and following them with cameras. That's sweet. I remember when me and my mom would drive around town and just give people the finger. Oh wait, that didn't happen. Regardless, nothing quite says "hot mom" like the middle finger. Actually, nothing quite says "classy mom" like the middle finger either. Overall, I lost my train of thought. To sum up, Britney is white trash. God bless.

Britney Doesn't Look Horrific. Blogger Contemplates Stopping.

Britney went out the other night not looking like a train wreck and actually pretty decent. Sure her legs could choke me to death, but that's half the fun right? Without being able to make fun of Britney there really is much need for me around here.

Natalie Imbruglia the Explorer

Donde esta el cuarto de bano, Natalie? Yup, that's about the only Spanish I know. Natalie Imbruglia, who apparently still exists, was out and about in cloudy London with her husband, Mc Skat Cat (I just assume). I remember when my mom gave my sister a bowl-cut when we were little. It scarred her for life. However, Natalie is bringing back the bowl-cut with a little help from Dora the Explorer! Ay de mi! See Jen, the bowl-cut is back baby! You were ahead of your time...just not as Spanish.

Who Shot Dora!?!

Natalie Imbruglia the Explorer

Friday, August 24, 2007

...In Other News...

~ Brush Out Your Mullet, American Gladiators is Back! ~ AgentBedHead
~ Kelsey Grammar Quit Acting ~ CelebritySmack
~ Amy Winehouse is God Damn Beautiful ~ EvilBeet
~ Who Gets the Kids? Angelina or Brad? ~ PopBytes
~ New York in New York ~ POTP
~ Britney's New Song is Magical ~ Yeeeah

Reason #46321 Why I Love Dina Lohan

There are many reasons why I heart Dina Lohan, clearly. I heart Dina because I bet she would be a blast to do shots with and/or drink with during the day. I heart Dina because she dresses like she's 21 and goes to the same bars and clubs that her daughter goes to. I heart Dina because when she gives interviews about her train wreck of a family she makes it seem like everything is a-ok and we are the crazy ones. This time around Dina reached out to VH1 (for whatever reason) to let them know that "My children and I are in a wonderful place in our lives."
Yes Dina, you and your children are in a wonderful place. Your youngest daughter just crashed the car after sneaking out of the house and your oldest daughter is experiencing her 3rd attempt at rehab and, while won't be serving a ton of time for her multiple DUIs, she will be spending at least 1 day in jail. Hallelujah! It IS a joyous day for the Lohan family! Apparently just making it through the day without killing someone makes it a "wonderful place" for the Lohan's.

P.S Why do the Lohan's blow VH1?

Who Said That!?!

Nicole Richie's Mugshot From Heaven

So by the time I got around to blogging about it, Nicole Richie checked herself into jail and then was told she's has served her debt to society just 82 minutes later. So it's old new by now...even old news for my standards. However I got a kick out of her latest (yes latest) mugshot. Where the hell is the photographer taking this picture from? The ceiling? I picture that the photographer is literally hanging from the ceiling and Nicole is looking up to make her mugshot official.
Anyway, Lindsay Lohan (old news) will only be serving 1 day at best for her DUIs, etc. So what's the messaging here, kids? Feel free to drink, do drugs, and then use your car as a missile as you drive up and down the wrong side of the highway and/or crash into a pole, over the sidewalk, etc and worst case scenario you will only serve a day in jail. No big deal. It's like a vacation day!
Props to Nicole for adding more beautiful pictures to her unborn child's baby book. One day she can flip through her baby book with her son/daughter and say, "Now this one was taken when mommy was 5 months pregnant with you an went to jail...." Clearly a Norman Rockwell moment.

Tyra Banks. YouTube. Horror. Shock.

I can honestly say that after watching this YouTube clip of Tyra Banks I was frozen in shock and horror. Tyra takes the time to literally spell out what each letter of "YouTube" stands for and no one can be shocked that the "t" in "youtube" stands for "Tyra." Go figure!? She also messes up the umbrella song.
I need people to please keep in mind that Tyra Banks is rich. Tyra Banks is famous. Tyra Banks makes lots and lots of money being creative and has her own talk show. Talk show! And this is the crap that she comes up with? I've been working my ass off on this ghetto blog and am locked in a halfway house typing away morning, noon, and night and still won't get to a level of Tyra Banks.
Anyway, God bless Tyra. By the time she has a stoke no one will even realize it. Lucky.
P.S. Tyra

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Newport Harbor: Pretty in Pink Sucks

Yeah so it's only episode 2 of the very original Newport Harbor and I'm already bored. I'm not sure I can commit to recapping the whole season, so unless these retards get a little more retarded this may be my last Newport Harbor recap. We'll see. Here's how this one went down:

  • I bet Chrissy's dad has child pornography on his computer. Someone call Chris Hanson from Dateline and have him look into this. Thanks.

  • When Steve Sanders Jr. and his buddy (whose name I don't need to know) are at the beach and the beach ball lands on them, why is it that a Puerto Rican guy in a plaid button down shirt with black jeans on and sneakers shows up to retrieve it? Anyone else find this to be odd attire to wear ON the beach?

  • Sweet 16! Samantha and Allie are planning a "Pretty in Pink" party. That's awesome. Wait, what does that even mean. It should have been called, "Wicked in White" in honor of their white "fright-wig" hair. By the way, who still has markers at this age? Tools.

  • Is Samantha the ghetto version of Cami from Laguna Beach? I mean the "ghettoer" version of Cami from Laguna Beach.

  • Chrissy and the girl go for ice cream and I can honestly say I have no idea what their conversation was about. At one point they mention a pigeon. That was the most interesting part, I think.

  • Allie and Chase go mini-golfing and this is when the light bulb goes off that this whole love triangle is the first major scripted moment of the season. I get it now. Nice try MTV. Tricky tricky. I thought it looked familiar. Steven-LC-Kristen. Yeah, thought so. Tricky tricky.

  • Samantha and Allie have a legitimate conversation in the car about "bootylicious" being a word that was added to the dictionary. There's a war going on in Iraq.

  • So how old is Chrissy's mom? 20? 22?

  • So is Chase's mom actually in porn?

  • Yup, the "Pretty in Pink" party is really pink. Not only is everything there pink, everyone there is pink. The lighting is pink, people are pink, and their teeth have a tint of pink. Also is this party at the VFW? Isn't Newport Beach supposed to be nice?

  • Woooo! Awesome dancing everyone! It's very reminiscent of the 90210 junior prom when Brenda really got down to that Cathy Dennis song. Google it.

  • So are they going to play the entire Hillary Duff song during this scene? "The Duff" gets the opening credits and the main song during the episode? Good for her.

  • Samantha and Chase kissed. Allie calls him a pig. I think the real pig is Samantha...only because she has pig-like qualities.

I officially miss the old Laguna Beach. The jokers suck. Who found these people? Are there not any better people in Newport Harbor/Beach? I miss Cami.

Ohhhh So That's Why The Olsen's Don't Smile

Finally, a reason why the Olsen's don't typically smile! It all makes complete sense to me. Lookin' pretty Mark-Ashley-Kate-Michelle-Olsen-Tanner-Gibbler III! Lookin' pretty! One of the Olsen Sluts (makes no difference which one) was leaving Linday's old stomping grounds, Chateau Marmont, when a photographer actually scored some Olsen teeth. Olsen teeth are clearly a delicacy in many parts of the world, including our own backyard! A smiling Olsen provides the world with a much non-needed Kelly Clarkson vibe. I read that on a fortune cookie once.

Lauren and Heidi Get Paid for The Hills

While I always felt that Lauren and Heidi were horrific actresses I never imagined how much these two dirt bags (not Lauren) got paid to "live real life on The Hills." Well if you guessed $5,000 an episode you would be wrong. If you guessed anywhere from $10,000 - $25,000 per episode you would be right. Oh, and that includes Steve Sanders as well. I think the money is well worth it. I mean, it's gotta be difficult appearing like a total douche season after season. Although you would have thought Heidi would have spent her money on a better set of boobs and a more shapely nose. Maybe she got those with her Season 2 money? Hopefully Season 3 money will allow her to get that head transplant that I've been writing to Santa Claus about on her behalf.

P.S How much to the writers get paid?

Bridget Moynahan to Ruin The Patriots

I knew it! I said it about 6 months ago that Bridget Moynahan would find a way to ruin the New England Patriots and now it looks like I just may be right. Thanks to Bridget Moynahan being a knocked up trash heap (no fault of Tom Brady), Tom wants to take a little time off to to spend some time with his baby once it is shot out of Bridget's "gentleman greeter." Great, thanks Bridget. We don't need a quarterback this season.

Tom has said, "Bill [Patriots coach] has a lot to say so we'll deal with it when it happens. Certainly there are a lot of people making sacrifices for their family and I'm dealing with a certain situation, a very joyous, happy situation."

Uh, ok Tom. Whatever you say. Know what a very joyous and happy situation really is? Getting to have sex with your supermodel girlfriend, Gisele, not taking time off this upcoming season to spend time with your kid. Get some priorities. There's a war going on in Iraq! Ok, so that doesn't have to do with anything, but people seem to say that a lot and I felt it was fitting. Thanks for nothing Bridget.
***UPDATE*** Bridget Moynahan just gave birth out of her"gentleman greeter." It's a boy. Now get back to work.

Who Said That!?!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

...In Other News...

Lindsay Allowed to Drink and Drive?

Will Lindsay be the modern day OJ Simpson? is reporting that there is a "strong possibility" that the LA County DA's office will not file felony charges against Lindsay for her two DUI arrests. I think that's a great idea. And to celebrate I think Lindsay should have a few drinks and drive all around town. No need to really learn her lesson, in fact give her a couple of guns, a few drinks, some coke, and a bus filled with school children and let's just watch and see what happens. Hell, make it into a reality show and air it on FOX. "When Lindsay Goes Wild." Yeah, that's it. Oh, and toss my little Dina Lohan in that bus too. Trust me.

Harriet Carter: Pets and Cans

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! This week Harriet is covering her cans, her pets, and a little something special for her lap. Pervert. Let's see what the Harriet Carter crapalog is forcing us to buy this week....

Product # 1 - Are you missing your legs AND your forehead? I know, me too. Well now you don't have to obsess over how you're going to throw away your soda cans because now as long as you have one workable arm (or even a rusty hook) you can crush as many cans as you want! Now this may just be me, but I suggest not installing this in your house. No, no! I say install this on the front of your house and head right outside as the homeless people are picking through your trash looking for some cans to collect to get money for. As they're rummaging through your trash, just start crushing your cans and making them absolutely worthless to the homeless. Don't forget to smile and wave as tears fill up their eyes...their dirty eyes. Trust me, it's called tough love. They'll be looking for work before you know it! Remember kids, "homeless" is a choice. God bless!

Product # 2 - Do you have a fake cat? Does this fake cat appear to be a mix between a cartoon and a cardboard cutout? Does this fake cartoon cardboard cat "fake" crap all over the fake place? Well worry no more because now your fake cartoon cardboard cat can fake crap all over the fake kitty litter rug. Seriously, are they kidding me with this picture? Was there really no way that the crew at Harriet Carter could come up with a real cat for the photo shoot? Hell, I would have dressed up like a cat if that was easier. The cat in this picture is about the size of a coin as compared to the kitty litter box. Wait, are there midget cats? Maybe that's it. Thanks Harriet! Next time spring for the real thing your cheap and heartless whore.

Product # 3 - Speaking of fake...poor Scooter. He was such a good dog. It really was sad to see him get hit by that bus (one would just assume). Why not honor man's best friend with not only a fake and cheap tombstone, but apparently fake flowers, fake grass, and toss in the fake blue sky just for good measure! No joke, that's the same grass that they put under the chair of the Easter Bunny when he visits your ghetto mall so your snotty screaming kids can sit on his lap and scream out what they want the Easter Molester to bring them. Oh well, rest in itchy and fake peace Scooter. I hope Scooter's ghost isn't allergic to plastic flowers.

Product # 4 - Hey there you filthy slob! Having a hard time keeping 90% of your meal off your lap? Well now you can toss out that civilized dinner plate you've been using and go ahead and eat right out of a trough you nasty pig! Thanks to Harriet you can have a white-trash napkin that apparently also doubles as a blanket. Oh, and it comes in pretty pastel and even plaid! I can't believe they would offer it in plaid. I mean, what am I the King of England? I have an idea on how you can save money. Don't buy this. Instead, just slow down while you're eating. The 6 pounds of meatloaf and potatoes that you've tossed on your plate will still be there in 10 minutes, fatty. I mean, God forbid you don't shovel it in and take your time.

Ok, well I feel better! Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday. Make sure you say that to every person you see today. When they ask what it means, just give them the finger. It'll be our personal little secret. And if you tell anyone, I'll kill your parents. Have a good daaaaay!

Hey! Remember Tara Reid??

A little hurricane isn't going to ruin Tara Reid's trip to Mexico. No sir. Where aren't the paparazzi? Tara continues to be followed around even though she hasn't done much in the past few years, which is great because that's my favorite kind of celebrity and what I aspire to be. Tara is actually looking decent as of late, although she definitely isn't as fun since she gave up the booze. I hope Lindsay is taking notes. No booze = no fun. I mean come on, everyone loves that girl who slurs her words, is all sweaty, and falls down a flight of stairs at a club. Trust me, everyone loves it.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

...In Other News...

Hey Look! Paris DID Make Your Little Girl Into a Whore! You Owe Me $50.00. Pay Up.

I don't know how I missed this last week, but Paris Hilton was at the debut of her own denim and sportswear crap she made at Kitson in Beverly Hills. Now I'm not sure if this is the little girl from another country who actually made the clothes for about 13 cents an hour and is handcuffed to her sowing machine...or if she's just a fan of Paris. Regardless, I think it's great that her parents allowed her to dress like a whore at such a young age. She has the Paris Hilton look down to a science, although she isn't quite as orange as one would like. Someone call DSS.

The Hills Recap: Lauren is Drunk Again-Hot

  • First, this new picture of Heidi really reminds me of Donna Martin. I don't know if I'm ready to rename Heidi though. I mean, Steve Sanders and Donna Martin? Too strange.
  • Why does Audrina smile no matter what she says? She could be telling Lauren that her parents were killed and she would do it with a huge smile and tight top lip.
  • What the hell is a "Elodie" and what adult says "OMG" when they are talking to someone. It's bad enough to type it, let alone say it. Also, didn't Elodie have a bleach-blond bowl-cut last season? Just checking.
  • Why does Heidi need to explain the details of the engagement to her "co-worker?" Why can't she just hand the script? Or she could just be like, "hey remember when we were shooting the engagement scene last week and all you guys were standing around take after take cuz we kept on messing up our lines? Yeah, well that was how the engagement went down." Just sayin....
  • Aww how cute, the girls go shopping together. Oh wait, that's not the girls, that's Brody and Steve Sanders. Brody hands Steve Sanders some shorts as they chat it up like chatty Kathy's and giggle. I bet $20 they went to the mall for some fro' yo after that. Kill yourself.
  • Lauren goes on a double date (minus her date) with Audrina and her new boyfriend Justin/Bobby.
  • Sweet, after about 2 minutes Lauren is trashed again. She's so hot when she's drunk. She's slurring her words, brilliant.
  • Ok, so now they're all asking each other if they like each front of each other. Seriously, who does that? Just put on a smile and talk crap about them when they leave like everyone else. Amateurs.
  • By the way, Audrina in a helmet...priceless. I guarantee she borrowed it from Whitney. I am, however, concerned that Whitney is now walking around freely without a helmet on. That's danger.
  • Where the hell do Lauren and Audrina live? How come no one is ever at the pool except just them?
  • Seriously, between the "Hollywood" sign spray-painted in their living room and the arcade games in the background, it's like Heidi is living in a crack house. I mean, in due time Heidi will be living in a crack house so I guess she should get used to it.
  • How many songs do you think they playing during "The Hills?" Someone keep track for me.
  • So what does Lo do? I know she's the sidekick of Lauren now, but I'd like to learn more about Lo. Ok well not really, but I have a soft spot in my heart for sidekicks....kind of like Ernie and Bert.
  • So people always tell me I pay attention to the stupidest details during The Hills. When Audrina and Justin/Bobby are at the bar is Amy Winehouse the bartender in the background? Check it out when MTV replays this episode 253 times this week and then 453 times this weekend.
  • Justin/Bobby is officially retarded. And I quote, "truth and time tells all." Yeah, that is on every coffee mug that was sold in the 1980's. Brilliant, yet not so.
  • Oh snap. Heidi is painting over the "Hollywood" mural. Seriously, Steve Sanders walks in and I think I see his eyes fill up. Also, does Steve Sanders have Fred Savage hair? Just wondering. Anyway, hopefully Heidi gets the beating of her life when the cameras stop rolling. Oh! Add that to the script!

This episode blew. Episode 2 and still no Lisa Loveless. Fine, I'll be back next week.

Someone Check That Dog for Drugs

Did anyone witness that dog actually walking? My money is on that it's a stuffed dog that has about $50,000 worth of coke shoved inside of it and Lindsay will simply drag that dog back to Camp Rehab. Anyway, Lindsay continues her nation-wide victory tour of rehab facilities and goes for a hike. As a side note, "no" those are not white socks she's wearing, those are her legs. Apparently spending the day in the sun yesterday "rafting" repels any form of a tan on Lindsay No Pants.

Did Fergie Have a Stroke?

Somewhere in the world right now Barney is missing his bottoms. What in the name of holy hell does Fergie have on? Any chance she's suffered a stroke because I smell burnt toast. Is a waist that high supposed to look good? People made fun of Steve Urkel for years because of that and now Fergie is trying to bring it back. The good news is that if those pants were a little bit tighter she would be rockin' the purple people eater cameltoe and if it were a little darker outside she would most certainly be rockin' the ghost boobs. What a treat that would be. On a sad not, at some point, Fergie looked in the mirror before she left her house and said, "Perfect!"

Monday, August 20, 2007

...In Other News...

God bless the paparazzi. Clearly they followed Jennifer Aniston into a swamp and snapped some pictures of her trying to paddle a surf board with shorts on. There's a lot that was just wrong with that sentence. I hope they at least asked her if the Friends are really still friends. I love 1997. In other news...

~ Portia de Rossi Still a Lesbian ~ Yeeeah
~ Kanye West is Afraid of 50 Cent ~ POTP
~ Amy Winehouse's Mom is Pretty Too! ~ Popbytes
~ Pete Doherty Arrested Again. Next Time It's Free! ~ NinjaDude
~ Michael Vick to Get it Doggy Style in Prison ~ FatBack
~ Cameron Diaz and John Mayer Will Have Kids with Horrible Skin ~ EvilBeet
~ Paris Still Retarded in Gold ~ DSF
~ What is it That Lily Allen Does Again? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Star Jones Did Something ~ AgentBedHead

Lindsay's Utah Rehab Rocks!!

I was jealous when Lindsay No Pants was at Promises Rehab because that place just looked awesome. Even when Lindsay was at Wonderland Rehab I was jealous because it seemed like a really nice hotel and I could certainly use some rest and relaxation. Once again I am very jealous of the rehab that Lindsay is attending in Utah. This place must be so cool! I mean, you get to go white-water rafting!? Are you kidding? I would need to figure out if that was included in my rehab price or if I would have to purchase it separately, but I'd totally want to do that. Lindsay is so lucky to be a booze-hound and a crack-whore because she gets to have to much fun at rehab. I hope Lindsay remembers to put on some extra SPF while out on the water all day. I don't want to see her freckle in the sun.

Is Angelina Shipping Her Kids Back?

Well they had a nice run, but the Jolie-Pitt kids are being shipped back to their homeland. Ok fine, so Shiloh is from here, but Pax and/or Maddox (is that the same person?) is definitely heading back home. More than likely they're picking up Madonna's kid on their "ride home" since the celebrity trend of adopting a kid from a random country is officially over. Of course I jest, Angelina and crew are on the "S.S We're Rich" and are having a great old time wearing pants on a boat while in Chicago. Angelina should smarten up an put on her own life vest too. It's the same thing as being on an airplane and securing YOUR oxygen mask first before assisting others. Jeeeze. It's all fun and games with that one.

High School Musical Continues Its "Shock and Awe" Campaign Against My Mind

Yeah so I consider myself somewhat up on what's new and cool. Ok, so that sentence makes me sound like I'm 57, but it's true...I'm usually "in the know." I've always been confused by what "High School Musical" actually was, having never seen it, and clearly I continue to be confused with High School Musical 2. For me, now it's just a matter of endurance in my quest to never watch it, ever. Those sick son-of-a-bitches at Disney aren't going to trick me into watching that crap. I was tricked once before while watching "From Justin to Kelly," but I won't be tricked again. I always feel awkward watching people singing to each other instead of having conversations. It's just not likely, although I'm going to give it a try today in work. I will be singing every conversation I have and see if anyone sings back and somehow, miraculously, had specific choreographed dances moves that we all just happen to know. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Anyway, High School Musical 2 aired on the Disney Channel this past Friday and scored 17.2 million viewers, which was the largest audience for any telecast in the history of basic cable. See, this is exactly where "From Justin to Kelly" went wrong. They should have made that into a Friday night movie on TV instead of at the movies. Oh well. In even more puzzling news, HS2 (as the kids are calling it now) are releasing HS3 in the movies (jumping the shark) and are already in talks about a HS4. How dumb are these kids that they're still going to be in high school for the next additional 4 years? Maybe they should stop singing and start studying, no?

Britney's New Combover

It's basically the end of summer so it's a perfect time for Britney Spears to let her combover really breathe! Everyone is making such a big deal out of Britney not wearing her wig and showing her natural hair. I say put the wig back on. At this point I would say buy a Halloween 'fright' wig. It would definitely be a step up. Look, I never thought Julie Andrews was hot and I don't think this look it working for Britney either. Such a mess. No joke, Britney looks like she's pushing her 40's, not her mid 20's. She's about a few hairs away from saying things like, "I'm so glad my friend told me about once-a-month Boniva..." Good luck with your osteoporosis Britney! Do whatever it takes to knock Sally Field off of her soapbox!

Can Gastric Bypass Be Reversed?

What a shame it is when people lose a ton of weight and you start to think they looked better before. For me, Star Jones is that person. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think she looked better when she was smashing scales around 350, but I would have been fine with seeing her stable at around 190. Yes, 190. Star is looking very "Olsen Twin Brittle." Also, at no point did I ever think I would use the words "Star Jones" and "Lollipop Head Syndrome" in the same sentence, but alas it has happened. Star was out and about scaring up photographers while at the Bridgehampton Polo Challenge over the weekend and according to Splash News Online, Star wasn't letting just anyone take her picture, she chose certain photographers to enter the VIP tent. Breaking news, clearly.

Who Shot That Stick!?!

Friday, August 17, 2007

...In Other News...

Remember when you were little and made your very first goal on your new team and your picture was in US Weekly? Yeah, me either. David Beckham scores a goal and suddenly it's breaking news. In other breaking news...

~ Kimberly Stewart Tries to be Relavent ~ CelebritySmack
~ Britney White-Trashes up Allure Magazine ~ AgentBedHead
~ CelebrityBaby Pictures ~ CityRag
~ Lilly Allen Buys Underpants ~ DSF
~ Another Dancing Show Picks a Dancing Winner ~ EvilBeet
~ How 'Bout Some Anna Faris Ass? ~ FatBack
~ Rihanna Has a Dead Animal On Her Heah ~ PopBytes
~ America's Next Top Model Follow Up ~ POTP
~ Is Pink's Marriage Taking a Dirt Nap? ~ Yeeeah

Britney Spears to Lip Sync at MTV's VMAs

Our friends over at X17 Online are confirming that Britney Spears will be performing at this years Video Music Awards that will be held in Vegas (baby). According to these guys Britney will also be performing with magician Chriss Angel because, clearly, "magic" is the new "back up dancer."

I think the real magic would be if Britney actually sang live and/or didn't look like drunken white trash on the stage. I mean, David Copperfield could make the entire Great Wall of China disappear, but no one can make Britney appear to sing live?