Thursday, September 27, 2007

...In Other News...

Rehab can apparently help Lindsay quit drinking and drugs, but it seems they can't help her to quit giving the same "peace sign" in virtually every picture taken of her. It really is an addition.

As a side note, sorry for the lack of posts and creativity. Poor IBBB has been sick with some type of stomach virus and even got to spend a little time in the Emergency Room yesterday. So, in between me sleeping and peeling myself off the bathroom floor I tried to put together a post or two. Once I finally feel like I'm not at death's door, I will be recapping my "trip to the emergency room." Seriously, you won't even believe half the crap I saw and experienced. In other news...

~ Pam Anderson and Denise Richards to do Playboy? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Brad Pitt Meets Stunt Brad Pitt ~ AgentBedHead
~ Latest Celebrity Eating Disorder, You Ask? ~ EvilBeet
~ Ashlee Simpson Looks the Same to the Blind ~ FatBack
~ Christina Aguilera Pregnant Ghost Boobs ~ NinjaDude
~ Tom and Katie in Trouble? ~ PopBytes
~ Paris Hilton Looks Like Martha Stewart ~ POTP
~ Winona Ryder Has Sexy Brown Teeth ~ DListed

America's Next Top Model: Get Hoochified

Resident ANTM recapper, Jenny, is back in action this week recapping the absolute piss out of last night's episode of America's Next Top Model. Here are her thoughts on how things went down:
  • This week's episode starts off they same way every other one starts off. Why does every girl say they want this because they've had a rough life? I am pretty sure none of these girls are off fighting the war in Iraq. And now you're on TV. Your life is fine.
  • The Bio-Diesel Mobile is the girls mode of transportation this time around. That there Clark is an RV.............Good to see Tyra is still saving the planet.
  • The girls move in to a sick house (which I feel like I have seen before on another reality shit show), and begin to impersonate Tyra during the elimination ceremony. Please stop doing this. We have seen girls do this every season. It's not funny, or original. It would however be funny if they imitated her having one of her freak show melt downs, a la You Tube.
  • The girls do a photo shoot showing the effects of smoking. One girl is bleeding from her lips. Evidently smoking causes you to cut off your lips with scissors? Maybe next week they can show the effects of watching 9 cycles of America's Next Top Model. I will pose with needles sticking out of my eyes, while pulling out my hair one strand at a time.
  • Ok, other effects of smoking include stillborn, burn victim, gingivitis (swear to God), a face tumor and a collapsed lung. This is legally the most ridiculous photo shoot to date.
  • Awww....How sweet....The girls are making fun of the autistic girl, saying it's like she is on a 3 second delay. I wonder if they also kick puppies.
  • Oh God. The girls have a shopping challenge at Old Navy and Benny Ninja shows up. What in the Christ is he wearing? I think he has on every piece of jewelry from Nana's jewelry box. He leaves the girls and shouts "Hasta la vista baby!" I wish the Terminator would show up and blow him away.
  • I find this episode very boring...but I laugh when they introduce Nigel at panel. I can't help but think how Pasquale asked him if he could get a picture with Tyra in a headlock.
  • During the judging, Tyra tells one girl she does not need to "hoochify" herself. Tyra is so articulate. And a role model.
  • Saleisha wins the Old Navy dress yourself challenge and gets $1,000 gift certificate to Old Navy. She also gets to be in an ad for Old Navy. I hope she gets to pose with "Magic" while wearing "Performance Fleece" from 1997.
  • During the elimination, Tyra gets on her high horse tells the girls this is a smoke free cycle. Thank God it's not an alcohol free cycle. That's the stuff that dreams are made of.
  • Grossest!! Ebony is crying because she might be getting eliminated and has all snots coming out of her nose.
  • Anyhoo, Mila gets the boot. I was able to figure this out during the show, because my local news station kept flashing that there would be an interview with an ANTM cast-off after the show. Since I am legally a genius, I was able to figure out it would probably be Mila since she is from Boston and sucks as a model. She kinda looks like Beverly Mitchell from 7th Heaven.
America's Next Top Model: Get Hoochified
America's Next Top Model Recap

Newport Harbor: 2 Second Graduation

Alright alright, it's graduation day for the troops of Douche Bag Creek. It seems like just yesterday I was trying to figure out who was who and, while I still don't really know, the season is almost over. Here's how this episode, "You are Not Replaceable," went down:
  • How the hell rich is Chrissy's family? Her house it like a resort. Why would she leave there to go to college and live in a 2x4 concrete dorm room?
  • It's officially, Samantha is retarded. Listening to her try to tell her friends the "saying" that her dad always says is painful. I mean, not because she really doesn't know, but because you know the producers cast her as the "retarded Heidi" character who seems to say stupid things in every episode. You catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. Really? Don't bees make honey? I'm confused. Thank God there is only one crapisode left.
  • What's wrong with Steve Sanders Jr's voice? Why does he talk like that? Does a voice like that eventually go away? Like, when it's time to interview for a job and stuff does his voice stay like that?
  • Allie is still fighting with her dad about her busted trip to Europe. Again, why would she want to leave the mansion that she lives in? What's her dad all nervous about? It's not like it's just her and her friends. It's her, her friends, and the entire camera crew that follows them around.
  • Clay takes Chrissy to "Joe's Crab Shack." Awesome. I'm not sure I'd take a girl to any place that has "Crabs" in it. That's something she gets to figure out on her own 2 week later. Oh! Stop me if you heard this.
  • Question and answer time: Clay is a year younger than Chrissy. Chrissy is graduating and going to college. Clay promises to visit her in college all the time. Isn't this the same exact scenario as Laguna Beach's Steven and Kristin? Steven was the one going to college and Kristin was going to visit all the time. Yeah, that worked out well.
  • Chrissy and her dad play a nice round of golf, at her house, and chat about her 1:30 AM curfew. Her dad wants her to keep her curfew. It's not like she's out having sex. This we know. Again, if I were her I would never leave the mansion that I lived in. I'd actually want a curfew of like 8:00 PM. I'd just tell my friends, sorry I have a curfew, I need to go back to my mansion.
  • AWESOME! Allie and Samantha are having the "Obligatory Laguna Beach Season 1, 2, and 3 Return to The Hills 1 and 2 Featuring the Cast of Douche Bag Creek" Beach Bonfire!
  • Allie superficially tells Chase not to bring his douche-bag girlfriend, to which the producers must have specifically told Chase to bring his douche-bag he does.
  • The whole crew shows up at the bonfire and as time passes everyone starts acting a bit different. While I didn't spot any of the famous "red keg cups" suspect the kids are drunk. Good for them. I'd drink all the live-long day if I had to shoot this crap all day too.
  • This bonfire is very reminiscent of Jessica and "what's his face" breaking up at the bonfire during Laguna Beach. Those were the days. I miss Cami.
  • Great, now it's time for the obligatory "show the spoiled brats getting their gifts right before graduation." The best part of this is seeing the parents. A creepy one always sneaks in there.
  • Well, this time is no different. Now, is Chase's mom actually in porn? Just checking.
  • Funny how Clay gives Chrissy a "lay" for graduation. Yes, I'm 10.
  • Allie finally gets to her trip to Europe. Just another reason for the Europeans to hate us Americans
  • Why do I care to see these baby pictures? There's been like 4 episodes (luckily) of Douche Bag Creek. I barely like the grown up version of these people, why would I want to see their jacked up baby pictures?

Next week: Season Finale. No joke, I can barely do one more episode.

Newport Harbor: 2 Second Graduation
Newport Harbor Recap

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Harriet Carter and the Little Bitch

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday you trash-bags! With the recent extra popularity of my ridiculous The Hills recaps, there have been more newbies visiting IBBB for the first time and have been exposed to Harriet Carter for the first time too. I heart when Harriet exposes herself. So to all you new IBBB fans (Johnny-Come-Lately's) enjoy all the crap that Harriet is trying to sell to us this week. From a little bratty bitch, to a high-tech security system, to moon sand, and finally a way to make us even lazier...Harriet has us covered. Let's go....

Product # 1 - You wanna fight with your little brother all the time you little bitch? Good, well then you know where little bitches eat dinner? In the living room all by themselves. Bratty little bitches don't eat "good person" dinner either. You know what little skanky pain-in-the-ass bitches eat for dinner? Yup, you guessed it. They eat popcorn and they drink juice, apparently out of a bag. You may think this is a reward you troublemaker, but we'll get the last laugh. You'll rot out your little bitchy teeth and then will be left toothless. So...still wanna fight with your brother? Oh, you do? Well then good. Be a big bitch in the living room. Alone. And good luck with the monsters that live under the couch. Yes, I know I told you they didn't exist, but they do. And you know what monsters like? Correct! Little bitchy douche-bag pain in the ass troublemakers who eat popcorn and drink juice out of a bag. P.S. You're adopted and your mother used to be a man. Best wishes in therapy.

Product # 2 - Have you been burglarized by cartoon characters? Well if so, now Harriet Carter has found the BEST place for you to hide your valuable possessions where no burglar would ever think to an oversiz-ed plastic book that says "ATLAS" on it. Seriously, who even owns an Atlas anymore? Now make sure you place that Atlas in between your other 1955 encyclopedia's because no burglar will ever think to look there. Wow, and look what valuable possessions they're hiding in that Atlas. Hmmm, let's see. Looks like they're hiding a couple of $20.00 bills, some gold costume jewelry, and a stick in a bag. Yeah, don't let the burglars find that pot of gold you have hiding up on the shelf! As soon as I get Harriet Carters home address I'm taking a trip and I'm finding that Atlas.

Product # 3 - Enjoy confusing the piss out of your kids? Harriet too! She's now selling some "moon sand." Wow, what a real hoot. Hmm, is the moon really red and blue? That's confusing. It actually looks like what Papa Smurf would look like if he were cremated. Oh God forbid. Papa Smurf will live forever. I have no idea what the point of this crap is and I don't care to learn. All I know is that will today's massive drug epidemic the last thing I'm gonna want to have my kids play with is anything that's a powdery substance. Just Say No to Harriet!

Product # 4. Hi Carol! Hi Bob! How are you guys? Lazy I bet! And fat too? Probably. Playing cards I see. Fun! What's the matter with your hands? Why are you so lazy that you can't even hold your cards? Funny, your hands are strong enough to cut hundreds of coupons a day and dig through your pocket so that you can pay for all your groceries in loose change. Interesting. Hey Carol. Hey Bill. Bill! I'm over here. Look, unless you have a hook as a hand be a man and hold your own playing cards or don't play at all. What? I'm just trying to help. Bill, I don't want you looking like a big girl in front of Carol. I mean, you're kind of already crapping your pants in front of her. Hasn't Carol suffered enough? Carol, I changed my mind. You can use the card holder. You've suffered enough getting slapped around by Bill during your marriage in the 50's. You remember? During Bill's "drinking days." Ahhh that's right. It's all coming back to you now. Thanks Harriet for bringing Bill and Carol back together. Gin!

Harriet Carter and the Little Bitch
Harriet Carter

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

...In Other News...

Britney plays a little game of "pissy pisserson" at a Quizno's bathroom. Now if this was a year ago I would say that there is something wrong with that sentence, but Britney at a Quizno's seems right on target for me. I bet her "gentlemen greeter" smells like a Italian sub, toasted. What? Just pondering....In other news....

~ Kate Moss Shows Teeth, Yes Teeth ~ AgentBedHead
~ Kiefer Sutherland Plays Car and Kill Games with Booze! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Summer Galu, Sure! ~ FatBack
~ Dita Von Teese is a Mystery to Me ~ PopBytes
~ Celebrity Caution Signs Rule! ~ POTP
~ Keira Knightly is a Cow ~ NinjaDude
~ Britney is Grumpy with LA ~ AllieIsWired
~ Lindsay No Pants Free? ~ BricksAndStones
~ Celebrity Ribcage! ~ Yeeeah
~ A Drunken Kanye is a Better Kanye ~ DListed
~ Maya Rudolph Leaves SNL ~ MollyGood
~ Jess and Ashlee are Real Pals ~ DSF

MTV The Hills: Jason Gets Engaged

What a real treat this episode was! The writers of The Hills must have been working overtime to not only add to the script that J Wahl has a girlfriend, but they are moving in together, and are now getting engaged. Lisa Loveless makes another cameo this episode, as does Jenn Bunney. The only person missing this week? 3 words: Elodie. Here's how this episode, "For Better of For Worse" went down:
  • So, I'm an idiot. I know, you're shocked. In the 3,000 "The Hills" commercials I saw over the past week I thought Jason said to Lauren, "yeah, but I do want you to be my girlfriend." Yeah, no. Time for IBBB to get his hearing checked because he really said, "yeah, but I do want you to MEET my girlfriend." Yup, that changes everything. I'd also just like to say that Jason isn't as good of an actor as Lauren and definitely not as good as Steve Sanders.

  • What's up with Lauren's "baby" voice. Trash. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't toss her outta bed, but it's aggravating.

  • Woo-hoo! And enter Lisa Loveless AGAIN! Two episodes in a row? I'm in heaven. I love how Lisa Loveless is dressed like a lumberjack right now. And with that combover? HOT!

  • I love watching Whitney take direction from Lisa Loveless. Whitney looks like she's trying to translate German to Chinese when Lisa is talking.

  • Heidi shops for a wedding dress. No joke, when Heidi and Jenn Bunney were walking up the street to the bridal shop I swear to God I thought she was with Elodie. This got me to thinking, here are my picks for Heidi's bridal party: Jenn Bunney, Jenn Bunney's old nose, Lisa Loveless, Lisa Loveless' combover, Elodie, Brent BoltHouse, and the horse that lives at Heidi's parents ranch. I'd like to see each of those things walking down the aisle.

  • Bonus points for Jenn Bunney asking Heidi if she thinks she's making a mistake once she was technically wearing the wedding dress. What a great bridesmaid.

  • Whitney and Lauren have to go to a fitting for Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. When they open the door it's like a whole room of Justin Bobby's!

  • One dude in the band wears a size 28 jeans and the other dude literally wears a size 8 woman's jeans. I don't know what's worse. The fact that one is wearing girl jeans or the fact that any man can fit into a size 28. Technically those should be girl jeans. Moving on.

  • The gangs goes to a dive bar called "Dime Bar." When they walk in, it's a bar filled with Justin Bobby's. Seriously, Justin Bobby's are everywhere. The bar is kind of like "Where's Waldo" but instead on The Hills it's "Where's Justin Bobby?" See if you can spot him in the crowd and win a prize.

  • Everyone starts doing shots and like the typical "girls" that this crew is they talk about doing "Red Headed Sluts." Why does every girl brag about that shot?

  • Whitney says, "I hope I don't get wasted," but then throws back a "variety pack" of shots. Lauren looks all nervous. Prude. What is she nervous about? Does she think she'll get fired from Teen Vogue and still only make $25,000 an episode? Yeah, I'd be nervous too.

  • Commercial Break: So....the new "scripted show" on MTV coming out...Kaya? Really? I'll start calling it Kaka. And what do they mean the first "scripted" drama on MTV? What about The Hills, Laguna Beach, Newport Harbor, 8th and Ocean (remember that crap?), Real World, Road Rules, etc. Those weren't all scripted? Oh wait, those were scripted comedies not dramas. Ok, I'm all caught up.

  • Seriously, is Whitney reading cue-cards? No joke? I think she is. When they're waiting for Red Jumpsuit to show up for the photoshoot, Whitney is all like, "Where-are-they? I-hope-they-didn't-have-car-trouble." Very robotic. Awesome. And the Emmy goes to...

  • Although, bonus points for Whitney's impersonation of Lisa Loveless. Nice job on making fun of your boss on camera. I'm sure she'll never see it. Do it behind her back like the rest of us.

  • Heidi and Steve Sanders are registering for their wedding and I secretly pray that the all the glasses on the wine shelf collapse and cut them up. Is that not a normal thought process?

  • Awesome, Jason's house-warming party. We get to meet his girlfriend, "Katja." Wow, way to trade down Jason. To quickly sum up, they just moved in and somehow are now engaged at the party, yet we missed the proposal. I would guess this is how he would have proposed: Katja, the producers told me to tell you we're engaged, Thanks.

  • Who's that old bald dude that Audrina was talking to? Creepy.

  • Lauren decides to basically tell Jason that he's being an idiot and that he's too young to get engaged. I love how Lauren has this disease where she finds fault in everyone else who is in a relationship because she is miserable and alone. FINE. Lauren, I'll come to LA and we can date for a while. See you in 6-hours.

On the next episode of The Hills: Elodie is back! God bless that crazy bastard. Elodie quits her job at BoltHouse. Sweeeeeet. Stay tuned.

Wanna be IBBB's Myspace Friend? You Know You Do. Spread the Word and Click Here, Trash!
MTV The Hills: Jason Gets Engaged
The Hills

Damn You Jessica Alba!

Damn you Jessica Alba, damn you straight to the fiery pits of hell! Jessica just loves to rub it in my face that she has a "boyfriend." Well now I think it's just getting to the point where she's just being mean about it. Jessica is supposed to be picking out things for me to wear and holding it up to me and by "picking out" I mean "buying" and by "holding it up to me" I mean "her boobs." Ok, now that we're all squared away on that, Jessica Alba and her "boyfriend" (blah) Cash Warren spent a little quality time (i.e her money) at a store in Malibu. Hurtful.

Damn You Jessica Alba!

Old Sex in the New City

4 elderly gentlemen walk into a bar...

Mariah Believes in Science

2 Mariah posts in one-week = world implosion. Buckle up. Mariah was at t VH1 Save the Music brew-ha-ha (??) and when asked about why this night was important, Mariah gave this answer: "I feel like this night is important for children and parents because music actually does help children learn. It's scientifically proven. When schools start cutting programs, it's very disheartening."

Well wait, stop the press. If "science" says it, it must be true! Science can't prove that Jesus existed either. You still believe that you blasphemous whore? Ding ding ding! I couldn't care less about this story except that fact that I've been waiting months and months to use the phrase "blasphemous whore." Clearly, I can check that goal off the list.

Mariah continued discussing other topics such as music, herself, and that about raps it up.

Mariah Believes in Science

Monday, September 24, 2007

...In Other News...

If you are a regular reader of this blog you know, by now, that my friend Janine is obsessed with Bon Jovi. It's almost to the point where I'm afraid to write anything about Bon Jovi in a negative light because she would basically declare Jihad on our friendship. Anyway, Bon Jovi and Mariah Carey (randomly together) were at the VH1 Save the Music event in NYC late last week. I hope Mariah's "crazy" doesn't rub off on Bon Jovi...for Janine's sake. In other news...

~ Wait, You Can Run a Business in Jail? ~ AgentBedHead
~ All of Hollywood Just Gave Birth ~ CelebritySmack
~ Rose McGowen Likes to Kick and Stretch...Sheeee's 50! ~ FatBack
~ Britney's Kids Have Rotten Teeth ~ NinjaDude
~ Nip/Tuck Promos ~ PopBytes
~ Jennifer Aniston is a Business Woman in the Business World ~ POTP
~ Miley Cyrus is a Hot Mess ~ Allie
~ Lohan Hurts Marriages ~ Yeeeah

Celebrity Gossip

No More J Lo Ass Shots, Sorry

Say adios to the ass and/or boobs of Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx. She will no longer be doing any type of nudity in any of her future movies. I don't know what's worse, the fact that she won't be doing any more nudity or the fact that she actually will have "future movies." Tough call. Anyway, J. Glow has said,

"In the beginning I did some and I was really lucky because they would cut my scenes out - so there is only one out there or something like that. I’m not comfortable with it, I’ll be honest with you - not at this point in my career. I love the idea of being a bold actress and I am quite fearless when I work but there is just something about it that just feels not quite right to me - a bit exploiting."
Um, is she technically a bold actress? I mean sure, "Monster In-Law" was definitely a bold role, as was "The Wedding Planner" (was that even the name of the movie?). I feel that in order for me to ever see a Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx movie she should have to be naked in it....the whole time. And she should have to be eating orange slices while she's naked. What? Just a thought. Go with it.

Weekly Audrina and Justin Bobby Update

Awesome! Audrina and Justin Bobby from "The Hills" are still going strong. Justin Bobby and Audrina were out and about somewhere doing something or coming back from somewhere. It doesn't really matter though as they are "Audrina and Justin Bobby." They're like the new Ken and Barbie...if Barbie was missing her upper lip, had too many teeth in her mouth, and had droopy lazy eyes....and Ken was a crackhead who needed a bath. What? Just sayin. I want to interview Audrina's teeth.

Nicole Richie Really Let Herself Go

Nicole Richie really let herself go. Gross. Have another beer, fat-ass. Nicole was in Hawaii celebrating her 26th birthday over the weekend and, lets just say, she was not bikini body ready. What a sin. I remember the days when Nicole was running carefree on the beach with her stick arms and stick legs flailing about. She was weighing in at no more than about 85 pounds. Ahhh, that good old days. Now look at her. She's probably up to 100 pounds and is sporting a beer belly. Her arms and legs aren't even as stick-like as they once were. I'm disappointed. I hope she's proud of herself. There were millions of girls who were bent over a toilet with a Barbi toothbrush shoved halfway down their throat so that they could be more like Nicole. Is this the kind of example she really wants to give now? Oh wait, she's pregnant? Ok, carry on then. Scratch what I just said. Good day.

Nicole Richie Really Let Herself Go

Britney Rehab, Rehab Britney. So We Meet Again?

Rumor (Willis) has it that Britney Spears has checked her arse back into rehab, according to I hope this isn't true, as a sober and cleaned up Britney is a boring and uninteresting Britney. If this is true, I hope that she goes to Promises Rehab, as that place seems like a real blast. I mean they have tennis, volleyball, shuffleboard, and is rumored to also have weekly Bingo. Awesome!

Britney was recently charged with a little "hit and run" and driving without a license. Luckily there is no law that is currently in place that says you can't drive without underpants. Pheeew! That was a close one for Britney. If found guilty, Britney could face up to 1-year in jail (6-months for each charge), but I'm sure she'll just have to pa a fine. I mean, Lindsay Lohan basically killed someone, Nicole Richie drove up the wrong side of the freeway while on drugs, and Paris Hilton drove without her license about 15 times. These three whores served a total of about 45 minutes in jail. I'm sure Britney will be fine. On a sad note, Britney doesn't have much else to shave. Maybe she'll pull out her front tooth. Ohhhh I hope it's that.

UPDATE: Britney, thankfully, is NOT in rehab as X17 originally thought. Pheeew! Back to drinking and flashing your "gentlemen greeter." God bless!

Britney in Rehab Again?

Marcia & Jan Brady: Lesbians, Coke, the 70's

First off, this is some of my finest photoshopping to date. This, my friends, will win awards. Anyway, bom-chika-bom-bom....Maureen McCormick and Eve Plumb may have played lesbian reindeer games in the 70's. Even more exciting is that Marcia Brady and Jan Brady may have been lesbian 1970 lovers! Hot. I hope Jan kept the black wig on the whole time. Oh and you know that cousin Oliver was all over that shit.
Maureen McCormick has written a new book in which she allegedly talks about her drug use (cocaine) and how she had a crush on Eve Plumb and how that lead to some "lesbian hijinks." I love lesbian hijinks. It's basically the best kind of hijinks there is, next to jihad. While jihad can be considered hijinks, it's in a complete different league then lesbian hijinks.

While Maureen is claiming that she is not a professional muff-diver and/or lesbian, she and Jan may have gotten a little frisky. How come this wasn't on the E! True Hollywood Story? They're going to need to update that STAT. Oh, and you KNOW that Sam the butcher was totally handling the meat when this was going down (insert applause and sympathetic laughter here).
Marcia, coke? Lesbianism? Jan, wigs? Lesbianism? Mike and Carol have a lot of explaining to do.
God bless Sherwood Schwartz, that sick son-of-a-bitch.

Marcia & Jan Brady: Lesbians, Coke, the 70's

Friday, September 21, 2007

...In Other News...

Jessica Simpson Drunk. Perfect!

Jessica Simpson is drunk and slutty. This officially makes Jessica the perfect girl and, perhaps, the perfect human. Yes, it does. This makes Jessica smarter, funnier, more talented, a better singer, a better actress, and a better person overall. I'm not kidding, I truly believe this.

Jessica was filming scenes for her latest movie "Major Movie Star." I say someone hand this chick an Oscar. I'm not kidding, give it to her. Hell, if she's playing a drunken movie star and ends up flashing her "gentlemen greeter" I'd give her the Nobel Prize.
I like 'em drunk, skanky, falling down, and sleeping on the street. I don't like them will gunk in their eye though. Just sayin...

Jessica Simpson Drunk. Perfect!

The Hills Elodie Otto: Ode to Elodie

My Dearest Elodie (this is best read in a British accent, trust me),

You are quite the mystery to me. You, Elodie, are a surprise for me this season on The Hills. At first I thought your main role was just to make weird faces at the camera and continually lurk by Heidi's office. However, you have turned out to be so much more to me. A friend, a sister, a stranger, and one who spurted out the phrase "See Ya" to Heidi in only a way that a drunken truck driver could. I applaud you Elodie, I applaud you. I am a little confused by your name, but it only adds to the mystery of Elodie Otto. Hello Motto, I always think. Missing the "M" in Elodie (Melodie) and missing the "m" in Otto (Motto). This only adds so the intrigue. You, Elodie, are a cunning little minx and are as sly as a fox.

I can only look back with regret that we weren't Myspace friends yesteryear, as I would have signed up to be your new roommate. Damn my "Johnny Come Lately" attitude. I took your existence for granted, Elodie. I took you for granted. A spacious 2-bedroom? I say we get bunk-beds, share the room, and make the spare bedroom a shrine to Heidi and/or her new boobs. I haven't decided yet.

My dearest Elodie, so what is next for you? Shall you be pissing in Heidi's coffee? Shan't you start throwing hay-makers at Steve Sanders? Shall you drug Lisa Loveless and make her into the woman that she deserves to be? Shan't you say "See Ya!" in many more episodes? Shall you quit BoltHouse? Shan't you say "shall?" Oh Elodie. Oh my Elodie. You are a God-send to Season 3 of The Hills. You are a God-send to me.
The Hills Elodie: Ode to Elodie
The Hills
Justin Bobby: The Hills Recap

This Time Last Year: Jessica Simpson

Memories, like the corners of my mind. I'd like to introduce a new little segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Jessica Simpson, This Time Last Year: Ghost Boobs and a Side of Cameltoe:

I love how people still don't know about certain black shirts and camera flashes. Come on people, it's instant ghost boobs! Well, not that I'm complaining. Jessica is really on the borderline of rockin' the cameltoe though. She needs to be careful with that. That's danger!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Dane Cook Moves in On My Girl

That smug son-of-a-bitch, Dane Cook, is totally moving in on my girl Jessica Alba. It's been a while since I posted anything about Jessica as it was rumored that she was back with her old boyfriend, Cash (?? Change??) and let's face it I can't compete with a cool name like that. Anyway, Jessica Alba and Dane Cook were at the LA premiere of their latest movie "Good Luck Chuck." Dane Cook had recently stated that Jessica was one of the funniest actresses that he's worked with. Yeah, that's just a "line" Jessica. It's not that you're not funny, but you're not. Your job here on planet earth is to be hot and win fake awards like, "Hottest Woman in the World" by magazines that are basically on their way out. Your role here on planet earth is not to be a funny actress or even an "actress" for that matter Just look good and we'll buy anything you're selling. Selling frozen poop and some marbles? Jump into a bathing suit while you're selling it and SOLD!
As a side note, I'm just bitter because Dane Cook has my career. Kind of funny, but not really. Kind of good looking, but not really. Kind of talented, but not really. I think he experienced a lot of "right place at the right time" syndrome. I hope to suffer from that one day too.

Dane Cook Moves in On My Girl

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 9: Recap

Alright! Our favorite (and only) guest blogger is back! Jenny had finished fighting the war in Canada, finished fixing that tricky global warming problem, and has rollerskated the entire Great Wall of China. Jenny has come back to specifically recap the piss out of this season of America's Next Top Model. It's Cycle 9 and Tyra and the girls are just as crazy. Did you see this crapisode? Tell Jenny what you thought...or else! Here's how she said the season premiere of America's Next Top Model went down:

Hang onto your underpants peanuts gang...It's America's Next Top Model- Cycle 9.

  • The show opens with Tyra calling the finalists on the phone, to let them know they've made it onto the show. The girls shriek with delight and surprise at the sound of Tyra's voice. I don't understand why they are so surprised, since they are video-taping their own reactions. Unless......Do they always have a video camera rolling while they take phone calls? Damn President Bush and his wiretapping!

  • The girls are going on a cruise and Miss Jay is the cruise director. At this point I am really hoping for a cameo from Isaac and am practicing my "2 finger point" in the mirror. Looks good.

  • The girls don huge orange life jackets and strut down the runway. I find this challenge amusing. I mean, I've been on a cruise before and have had to do the "life jacket drill." After a few shots of tequila, my friends and I would just point at each other and tell each other we looked like a-holes. I guess Tyra was taking this in a different direction than my friends and I would have.

  • Sweet baby Jesus, Tyra just showed up as a showgirl in a Vegas-style ship show (or shit show, if you will). I am completely disappointed that she isn't singing "Shake Ya Body." Mad props to anyone who remembers that smash hit from season 1. You are a true fan...and that's not a good thing.

  • As a side note, I am getting slightly depressed looking at all these skinny models. It's not fair. I mean, I am sitting here eating an Italian sub. Like a pig at a trough. Seriously...Pickles and lettuce falling all over the place.

  • There are too many girls at this point for me to commit to any formal introductions. Just know that there is a robot dance, a girl they call hunch back, tears, and a legit demonstration from Tyra on a Brazilian wax. Tyra plays psychiatrist to all of the girls, per usual.

  • Quote of the night from one of the ANTM hopefuls: "I know stuff....I read books." Really?

  • Still no cameo from Isaac, but there is one from Jaslene. She is doing some type of high kicks on the beach.

  • Okay...After the girls have their photo shoot in Antigua, they get to find out if they made it to the next round. The girls run like the beach is on fire to see if their picture is hanging up. This leads to the usual tears for the girls who didn't make it. One girl is literally bawling her eyes out, saying "now I have to go back to school!" I mean, cheer up. Nobody died. It's just school. It's actually fun...They have beer pong there.

  • The kicker is how they have the winners waving to the losers on the shore as they sail away toward success. Perfect.

  • Tyra makes the girls stand up and say why they deserve to be here (SNORE)...and they narrow the 20 down to the lucky 13. Let the fun begin. And by fun, I mean horror.

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 9: Recap
America's Next Top Model

Newport Harbor: "Chrissy the Virgin"

Surprisingly they haven't pulled the plug on Newport'm sorry I meant "Douche-Bag Creek." On this very special crapisode of Douche Bag Creek, Chrissy alerts the world and lets them know that her "gentlemen greeter" has yet to "greet any gentlemen." Did she at least shake a gentleman's hand or anything? To crack my 10 year old joke, Chrissy is a big virgin. Way to be a role model to all the whores out there. Here's how this episode, The "V" Word, went down:

  • Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are on the beach in jeans and what I can only assume are Nicole Richie's sunglasses.
  • Chrissy is all nervous because she's a virgin and tells Sasha that she's proud of herself for remaining virgin alllllll throughout high school. Wow, what an accomplishment. You weren't a 2 dollar whore in high school. Move other Mother Theresa, we have a new saint in line! Chrissy, do you at least let boys touch your boobies? It's one thing being a virgin, it's another thing being a tease.
  • As a side note, my prediction is that Chrissy will be slutting it up like it's her last day on earth once she enters college. Good luck with your 2.0 GPA and morning after pill. Cheers!
  • Now are Allie and Samantha considered legally retarded? They have a legit conversation on whether or not Italy is a country. They settle on the fact that Italy is a state, just like a state here in the good old USA. Good job girls! Thank God your parents have money.
  • Taylor and Chase talk on the pier about how he dicked her over at the Prom. I couldn't care less about this, but it makes me really miss the old Laguna Beach with Kirstin and Steven. Granted they, too, were douche bags but it was may more entertaining. I also miss Cami very badly. I miss you Cami. I love you. Come back to TV. Come back.
  • Back to Samantha and Allie. These two are now trying to figure out what French food is like and Allie seems to think that French food is "animals." Mmmm sounds appetizing. French restaurants must be great. You open the menu and it just says "animals." They then try to figure out what caviar is called, but not before calling it "caaaaar." Sound it out stupid. You better hope you get pregnant SOON by some rich guy. Immediately get your kid a tutor, stat.
  • Chrissy goes shopping for underwear for her big date. You know what Chrissy, if you aren't going to give up the goods, don't even bother trying to dress up your "gentlemen greeter." It's kind of like putting a plastic bag over a Christmas Tree. It's pointless...and dangerous. It could catch fire.
  • You know what, good for Chrissy being comfortable saying she's virgin over and over and over and over and over again, but it's actually making me a little uncomfortable. Whatever happened to the days of being embarrassed and ashamed over that? She should at least lie about it and tell people she lost her virgintity from her dad or something.
  • Chase and Taylor are back together. Who gives an F? Apparently not Chrissy since she technically doesn't give an F.
  • Allie fights with her parents about her trip to France. She says she's an adult and should be treated like one. Oh, and her dad paid for her entire trip. Yup, that's an adult. It is very supportive when Allie's dad says she's only 17 and doesn't even have a clue. You ever wonder why your daughter is on the therapy couch? Yeah, statements like that.
  • Chrissy the big V and Clay are on their date in the hot tub and she tells him that she's a virgin. So now he knows, I know, and the other 14 people who watch this show. Clay says, "good job!" Yeah, she didn't kick a field goal. Fine, good job on not being a slut.

Newport Harbor: "Chrissy the Virgin"
Newport Harbor Recap

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

...In Other News...

Harriet Carter Confuses Children

There's nothing that makes me happier than a productive Harriet Carter Wednesday...unless its when "Failure Model Chick" makes a guest appearance. What a treat because "Failure Model Chick" is back in action. This week, Harriet Carter is trying to sell us new hair, a killer reindeer, microwavable dogs, and Betty Boop for President. Let's go....

Product # 1 - Hey ladies, is your hair thinning? Do you want it to grow back thicker and fuller....but only on the sides and come back a different color? Well if you shouted out "yes" to your computer then you are in luck. Now Harriet can help with your hair troubles. Just look how happy this lady is! She's so happy that she has somehow transferred herself into an 80's sitcom "dream" sequence that even sports the white fog and bright white light. Either that or this product has killed her and she is about 4 feet away from Jesus in heaven. Yes, Jesus. Seriously, why is her hair so bushy and blond on the sides, yet thin and dark brown on the top? Does this product automatically give you "The Rachel" from 1994? Someone test this out. Thanks.

Product # 2 - Here comes death car, here comes death car, right down death car lane! Now you can let everyone on Interstate 93 know just how much you love Christmas by dressing your car up as a reindeer. Let me repeat that. Dressing your car up like a reindeer. As if driving a KIA isn't bad enough, now you can make it look even worse. What a great idea for the kids too. "Hey kids, go and give Santa's reindeer a big hug!" Every time the kids see this coming up the street they're going to run out into the street to try to hug it. Nothing like a hug going 64 mph. Ouch, hugs hurt! You know what kids, so does Christmas. Christmas hurts. This reindeer kit also can really jazz up your molester mobile. Trying to lure kids into your car by asking them to pet your puppy is so "kidnapped 1981." Now you can have the kids come over to pet Santa's reindeer. Ho ho ho! Christmas just came early for the diddlers! Ohhh "Christmas With the Diddlers." That should be a movie. Thanks for inspiring, Harriet!

Product # 3 - A moment of silence please......."Failure Model Chick" is back! This time around she is sporting a plush dog around her neck that can be heated up in the microwave. I shit you not. Brrrr it's cold. I wish I had a cooked dog around my neck. Viola! Now you can! And you know that "Failure Model Chick" was all "I'm not putting a stupid cat around my neck for this picture...I'm a successful catalog/crapalog model." "Failure Model Chick" must be quite the diva on the set. As a side note, let's just say much of a douche bag does the model in the picture above look like? Also, besides just teeing off on "Failure Model Chick" and crew, why does one need a heated animal around their neck to keep warm? I have an idea...turn the heat on. Nothing will confuse a child more than watching "Mommy" putting a dog in the microwave. Watch out Sparky, you're next!

Product # 4 - No wonder the terrorists are always after us. This Harriet Carter t-shirt says "Born in the USA" and has a picture of Betty Boop on it looking like a big whore. Seriously? (1) Do people still want/wear anything Betty Boop related? (2) What in holy hell does Betty Boop have to with the USA? (3) Uh, why do you need a t-shirt that says "Born in the USA?" Maybe if you're an illegal immigrant you should be sporting this t-shirt just to trick INS, but other than that please don't buy something like this. I can see it now, hundreds of restaurant dish-washers will all be running around with Betty Boop t-shirts. Ok, on to "Madre de Failure Model Chica." Is she on Ecstasy in this picture? Clearly she's on something. They probably had to pump her full of drugs to get her to take this picture. She's way creepy. Wait, is she actually dead? Tricky Harriet! Putting a t-shirt on a dead corpse? T-shirt should say "Born and Died in the USA."

Harriet Carter Confuses Children

Heidi Montag "Sings" Live. I'm HAPPY!

There comes a day in every humans (and dogs, not cats) life when you get down on your knees and thank sweet Jesus that you're alive. Today, my friends, is that day. Clearly I am the Good Will Ambassador to "The Hills" as I got this clip sent to me from about 50 different people. Oh the joy it brings.

Heidi Montard turned 21 years old and was celebrating her 21st at a star studded event that consisted of such celebrities as Heidi Montard, Steve Sanders, and Perez Hilton. All hot messes. Anyway, halfway through her birthday celebration Heidi decides to declare a holy war, or "jihad" if you will, on the party singing. Yes folks, singing. Oh look at her go. The way she moves that same arm up and down. She's singing like it's her last day on earth. At one point I think she technically goes into a seizure. Oh and look here, she even has a backup dancer. Why, it's none other than Steve Sanders. It seriously looks like Heidi is having a fight with herself.

Ahhh birthday's. I remember a birthday of yesteryear when I, too, got completely trashed, broke some shit, got into a fight, fell off of a table, ruined a friendship, and got thrown out of the bar. And you know what? At no point did I ever think of singing to my friends. They had already suffered enough. That's why I am a national treasure and Heidi Montard is the slut of Satan (thanks Traci).

Heidi Montag "Sings" Live. I'm HAPPY!

Who Won Big Brother 8?

I'm still completely pissed for not making it into the Big Brother house, but like any obedient white-trash blogger I will recap the piss out of the Big Brother 8 Finale. So who won? Don't read this if you don't want to know. Also, don't stare directly into the sun. Just another helpful tip. Here's how this season finale crapisode went down. Brace yourself.
  • I love Danielle's anorexia look. It really works on her. The turrets works for Dick too.
  • Wow look at Julie Chen with her "F-Me" black leather pants on. Oww!
  • Uh, it's been 6 minutes. Why hasn't Amber started crying yet?
  • What the hell is wrong with Eric's eyebrows and eyes? Wait, does he have turrets too? I'm confused.
  • Jameka references Dick and Danielle as "pimps and ho's." Brilliant. Me gusta Jameka.
  • Ambers basically asks Danielle why she's a whore on national television. I'm shocked Amber didn't start crying during her own questioning.
  • To be honest, I've started to lapse into a coma. Code red.
  • I've decided I hate Danielle's voice. It sounds like two cats chain-smoking and playing the spoons under the porch. Yup that's it.
  • Seriously, these people are all goons. Wait, Julie Chen just changed from leather pants to a skirt. Eh, easier access I guess.
  • When it's time for the crew to vote, they all pussy out on what they'll say to the douche-bag Donato's. I would have been like, "your mother's a whore, go F yourself, you look like skeletor" etc. Borrrring! ZZzzzzzzz.
  • They reveal the secret that Eric was America's Player. They made it seem like a big deal. It wasn't. It was F'n dumb. I hate me for recapping this.
  • I vote to evict...Julie Chen.
  • Eric votes for Dick
  • Jameka votes for Danielle
  • Dustin votes for Dick
  • Jen votes for Danielle
  • Zack votes for Dick
  • Amber votes for Dick

The jury is retarded. The end. P.S why was Lizzy Grubman in the audience? No joke.

Who Won Big Brother 8?

If That Dude Dies, Will OJ Get Charged With Murder Too? Ohhhh Crazy. Spooky Even!

Oh that wacky OJ! OJ Simpson has been charged with a ton of crap. 2 counts of first-degree kidnapping? Sold! 2 counts of robbery with a deadly weapon? Sold! 2 account of assault with a deadly weapon? Sold!

Sadly, one of the victims of this mess, Bruce Fromong, suffered a major heart attack and is currently in critical condition. Holy crap. If this guy takes a dirt nap, can OJ be charged with some type of murder? Where is my lawyer fan-base?

I just think that OJ is misunderstood. He's like a delicate flower that just gets mixed up with the wrong crowd. As a side note, who the hell stays at the Palace Station Hotel and Casino? That's the real crime. Can we charge him with that? Sold! It just sucks because OJ is 60 years old. He should be slowing down as he gets closer to retirement. OJ should be golfing a little, cutting the lawn a little, stabbing a little, kidnapping a little. You know, typical retiree stuff.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

...In Other News...

That Teri Snatchfest really is a triple threat: old, stupid and a singer. You don't find talent like that just any day. But you do today. You do the math! Anyway, Teri performed at an after Emmy's party for TV Guide. What a real treat. You know what Teri? There's a war going on right now. Go fight in it. In other news...

~ Kanye Continues Bitchfest '07 ~ CelebritySmack
~ Courtney Love is a Treat, a Real Treat ~ AgentBedHead
~ Angelina Says She Ain't No Skanked Out Whore ~ DirtyDisher
~ Brad Pitt Stole My Look ~ PopBytes
~ Mary Louise Parker Hits Up Africa ~ POTP
~ Vanessa Hudgens is On the Market? ~ NinjaDude
~ Beyonce Has Wax Ass ~ AllieIsWired
~ Rosie Gives "The Diss" to Oprah ~ Yeeeah
~ Jessica Simpson Goe Daisy Duke Again, Sweeeet ~ FatBack

The Hills: When Douches Collide

Alright alright, so it's the highly anticipated crapisode of The Hills where Lauren and Jason and Heidi and Steve Sanders all "just happen" to bump into each other at "Ketchup." I have many questions before watching. How will this go down? How will Lo work "Justin Bobby" into a random conversation? What other random cast member will show up with a nose job? Will Audrina's teeth be considered a weapon of mass destruction? How many scenes will Whitney keep her mouth open in? Where oh where is my Lisa Loveless? How many people does LC have to blow in order to constantly get into Les Deaux? How many songs will play during this episode that will foreshadow future happenings. Phhhhew, that's a lot of questions. Here's how this crapisode went down:
  • Audrina in a hoodie sweatshirt is a spitting image of ET (if you're too young to get that reference Google it, and I'll be off killing myself). Why does Lauren keep her door unlocked. I think that's a really bad idea. People just walk right in as soon as she yells "it's open." God forbid I get her address.
  • Ok Heidi, we get it. You and Steve Sanders are living with each other for the first time. You're learning things. You don't have to say things like, "wow you put the toilet seat down." Just because you read it on a Hallmark card doesn't mean it's automatically funny.
  • STOP THE PRESS! Lisa Loveless you sweet and sexy son-of-a-bitch. You're back! You're back in my life and I'm never gonna let you go again. Look at you, will ya?! Is that newly highlighted stringy hair you have there? Similar to the kids from Making the Band, you came back this season rocking the new look and letting your new fans how well you're been doing. Welcome back Loveless, welcome back.
  • Note to self: employees at Teen Vogue....not so hot.
  • I f'n LOVE how scripted this shit it. Heidi walks into work and her new "assistant" says stereotypical things like "you have some new messages." However my favorite part would have to be when Heidi gives her assistant specific instructions on which calls will always get through to her. Those 3 people would be, Steve Sanders, Jenn Bunney, and Brent. No joke.
  • What the F is Elodie looking at? Stop lurking Heidi's office. You didn't get the job.
  • Bonus points for Whitney taking a picture the correct way. My money was on her making the flash go off in her face.
  • Lauren and Whitney talk about actual work for 2.5 seconds and then get right back into talking about the drama in their lives. When Lauren tells Whitney that Audrina spent the weekend with Justin Bobby, Whitney says she didn't know they were "back on" but tries to say that with "air quotes." It doesn't work too well for Whitney because she doesn't give air quotes as much as it looks like she's tickling the underneath of a dog...and you totally know she's into that.
  • Hey Whitney, when Lauren answers the phone and says "hi Jason" you don't have to ask her if that was Jason when she hangs up. The "hi Jason" pretty much answers the question for you.
  • Sweet! Heidi is back in the office and is dressing like Angela Bower walking into the Bower Agency on Madison Ave.
  • Steve Sanders calls and enters my favorite Scripted Moment of the Episode. He actually says, "Hey beautiful, how are things going with the new job? I was thinking we'd go to this new place Ketchup to celebrate the big promotion." Awesome. Nice use of buzzwords. Funny, Lauren and Jason are going to be at Ketchup and only them and the producers knew that. Odd how you end up going too.
  • I think it's really nice that Lauren drinks in front of recovering alcoholic Jason. Sure it's not the biggest deal, but he literally got out of rehab the day before. Nice work Lauren.
  • Steve Sanders and Heidi then tell horrible jokes of why Jason and Lauren are together, such as she picked him up from jail and she picked him up from rehab. Oh you two!
  • Heidi then goes on to say, "Maybe they're back in the movie making action." What the F does that mean? Do you mean "movie making business?" What the hell is "movie making action?" If you mean that you're a douche bag, then I totally get it.
  • After Steve Sanders and Heidi send over drinks to LC and Jason and they send them back Lauren and Jason decide to take their toys and go home. All in a days work.
  • Bonus points for Elodie putting Heidi in her place by telling her that she doesn't have any friends any more and "it's so sad." She finishes the conversation by yelling out a manly "see ya." However, I will take some bonus points away, as clearly this was the crafty editing of MTV. Elodie was probably really like "I love you Heidi, you're the best boss ever. It's so sad when it rains. Let's hang out tonight. See ya then!" And then MTV edited it into what was shown. Just a guess.

Next weeks crapisode should be good because Lisa Loveless is back again. Yeah!

Wanna meet the d-bag mastermind behind The Hills recaps? You know you do. Do a little click click right here...HERE! Still cashing in on my 43 seconds of fame.

The Hills: When Douches Collide
The Hills Recap

Jesse Metcalf Looks For Work

Jesse Metcalf looks for what happened to his career and finally finds a piece of it outside of his house. Who knew that man-boobs and stick legs were in this season? I'm totally in style! See, I can say these things because as "lacking" as Jesse's career may be he's still living in a multi-million dollar house and having his picture taken as he takes out the trash. That is completely everything I aspire towards...except not for having the b-cup.

Who Shot That Trash!?
Jesse Metcalf Looks For Work

Brit Not Allowed to Be Whore at Hotel

If you're going to be a drunken-white-trash-drugged-out-speech-slurring-gum-chomping-y'all-saying-whore then don't think that you're going to be allowed to play reindeer games at the Chateau Marmont hotel in LA. According to random drunken reports, Britney has been banned from the Chateau Marmont. Seriously, how f'd up do you have to be to be banned from the hotel, yet Lindsay Lohan was allowed to frolic throughout the hotel. Hell, she even lived there for a short period of time.

Anyway, according to the New York Post Britney put food all over her face and freaked out the other guests. Wait, is that wrong? I always thought that was pure comedy. Clearly, I'm not ready for the Chateau Marmont.

Poor Britney is already having a pretty tough week and it's only Monday. Supposedly her lawyer dropped her as a client, she's put a hit out on KFed (I'm ok with that one), a secret witness says Britney was drinking and on drugs after rehab, and Britney is the daughter of Satan. Phhhew. I'm predicting a dirt-nap by week end. Good day.

Brit Not Allowed to Be Whore at Hotel

Alert: Less Car Accidents Predicted in China This Weekend.

As a wise Asian playing Michelle Tanner once said, "Moshi Moshi Dude!" China is initiating its first ever "no car day" this weekend so they can promote environmental health. No Chinese drivers? But who will be responsible for the multiple car accidents? Come on, that's not fair. Question. Now is this driving ban only in China or are they banning Chinese drivers all over the world? I'm still not feeling to safe. Who needs all those people going from cars to bikes. True story, I had a friend accidentally knock a Chinese delivery driver off his bike. Granted it was my friends fault, but it still makes me nervous. I say lets just initiate a permanent ban and see how it plays out over the course of the year.

Britney Spears Loses Custody of Kids

Update: It is now reported (10.1.2007) that Britney has infact lost custody of her two kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One." For more up-to-date info Click Here..Right Here...Ok, Here

Fox News is reporting that Britney Spears will be losing custody of her kids, but just for a short period of time. So who will get her two kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One?" Why none other than Kevin Federline.

Allegedly during the custody hearing on Monday, Britney's former bodyguard spoke of Britney's problem with "nudity and drug use." Yeah, I'm sure he was really concerned while Britney was flashing him her "gentleman greeter" on Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays. But clearly, now is the time to shell out that information.

I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, I remember when my mother was drunk all the time and bombing appearances at the MTV Video Music Awards, and that time she almost dropped me. Nobody seemed to want to take me away from her then. I think that people are just going after Britney because they never could find weapons of mass destruction and also because of Global Warming. Her "cha-cha" is probably green. Doesn't that count? God speed Britney. God speed. Remember, slicing left to right just gets you attention. Slicing up and down really does the trick. Best wishes.

Britney Spears Loses Custody of Kids

Monday, September 17, 2007

IBBB Makes E! News: World Implodes

Ah my disciples! Operation "Sell Out in Year 2" is going off without a hitch for IBBB. Yours truly has gone national and has somehow made it onto the airwaves of E! News. Yes, my friends, apparently using a bagel as a microphone and talking about force-feeding anorexic celebrities on the red carpet during the Emmy Awards is really all you need to do in order to get your ass on television. Remember kids, anorexia is not a's a punch line.

Other plans to sell out include, but are no limited too:

  • Being adopted by Angelina Jolie
  • Getting on some type of gameshow
  • Becoming a celebrity assistant (still a goal)
  • Becoming the father of Dina Lohan's next child
  • Checking myself into rehab in order to go celebrity hunting

All kidding aside, it was quite the honor for this jackass to make his 43 seconds of fame on E! News as it was one of my goals for 2007. Selling out has never felt so good and being on TV has really provided me with self-worth. It kind of makes me better than most people. And I thought the hi-light of my week was telling Nigel Barker about my plans to put Tyra Banks in a headlock. What a difference a day makes.

I've also made it onto the E! website...right between Jodie Foster and "The Office" just like I've always dreamed?


...In Other News...

The Emmy Awards were on and people won stuff. In other news....

~ LindsayNo Pants Likes "The Sex" ~ DirtyDisher
~ Christina Aguilera on Piano ~ CelebritySmack
~ Ellen Pompeo Squints During the Emmy's ~ DListed
~ The Emmy's Get Censored ~ EvilBeet
~ The Emmy Recap ~ PopBytes
~ Jodie Marsh and Her Happy Yet Violent Sex Life ~ AgentBedHead
~ Pam Anderson is Kind of a Prostitute ~ FatBack
~ More J Glow is Pregnant Rumors ~ Ninjadude
~ Ryan Pillippe Wanted to Play "Dirt Nap" ~ POTP
~ Heidi Montard Turns 21, Has Been Drinking on Camera Since 17 ~ AllieIsWired