Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Harriet Carter: Christmas Preview Recap

Happy holidays from LA! I've arrived in LA and that means that I am jet lagged and in meetings all day....just like Jesus was on the day He was born! Anyway, since it technically is Harriet Carter Wednesday, I couldn't just let the day pass. So let's take a look back at a very special Harriet Carter Christmas from last year. Like NBC used to say, "If you haven't seen it, it's new to you." Here's what went down last year:
Christmas is right around the corner which means two things: (1) Little baby Jesus was born and (2) It's the ImBringingBloggingBack: A Very Special Harriet Carter Christmas The Wednesday Before Christmas. Long title? Long laughs. Let's take a look at special Harriet Carter Christmas crap and even some of her Christmas gifts. No joke, she is recommending some of this stuff for Christmas. God bless that crazy little minx. Let's go!
Photo # 1 - "Hey kids! Ready to decorate the house for Christmas? Ok kids, then go down into the basement and bring me up our Christmas sticks." Yes sticks. Think of all the joy you will bring to your children's lives when they place these actual sticks that light up all around the house. I mean seriously? Come on! Why not just put some lights on a role of paper towels and call it day? Santa is going to be psyched when he drags his fat ass down the chimney and sees how you've decorated your house with dead wood that lights up. Thanks for taking the easy way out, Harriet you lazy skank.
Photo # 2 - Does the beautiful smell of a a Christmas tree make you and your family sick to their stomachs? Do you hate nature? Do you despise things that are real? Well you may not be the norm, but Harriet Carter has you covered this holiday season! You no longer have to worry about having a real tree in the house when you can simply just "raise up" your fake tree that kinda looks like a cross between pipe cleaners and the fake grass that you put underneath a train set. And better yet it already comes with lights attached to it! Nothing says, "Sorry kids, daddy got laid off this year and not only will there be no gifts under the tree, but there really isn't a tree either" quite like this contraption. That's what it is, really, a contraption. "Honey, can you go an get the Christmas tree contraption? I need to set up the tree contraption!" Again, don't be surprised if you find that Santa shit all over your living room once he sees this kind of disrespect. Oh, and make sure you have a hose in the house because it looks like this tree contraption will burst into complete and total flames in under 14 seconds. Thanks Harriet, but only you can prevent forest fires. Whore.
Photo # 3 - Are you struggling to tell your kids that grandma is dead this year? I know, but don't spoil the surprise by just walking up to their bedroom and telling them. Wait until Christmas and fill in the whole family with this stylish and descriptive Christmas Tree ornament. In case you can't read what is says (even though you already clicked on the photo) let me fill you in. It says, "I Love You All Dearly, Now Don't Shed a Tear, I'm Spending My Christmas with Jesus This Year." Ohhhh, isn't that sweet. Just imagine the precious look on your children's faces when they scurry down the stairs on Christmas morning and race towards their gifts. You interrupt by saying, "Oh Jenny and Davey before you open those gifts look at the little note that grandma left for you. It's over there on the tree." The kids will really appreciate grandma taking the time to write them all the way from Heaven and the smiles will last all morning even after they open their Tickle Me Elmo. Thanks Harriet Carter for literally bringing Christmas to its knees!
Photo # 4 - Let's remember, Christmas is also about the season of giving. So what does Harriet have up her sleeve for this gift giving season? Ladies, did you ever want to dip your stanky putanky in chocolate? Gentlemen, have you have wanted to place your junk in dark chocolate? Well you're in luck because now you can have your naughty bits wrapped in chocolaty goodness thanks to Harriet Carter's Chocolate Thong. Just picturing Harriet in her chocolate thong did make me throw up in my mouth a little......oooops there it is again. Ok, I'm back. If we look at these thongs it actually says on the thong for the dude, "I have a heart on for you," and for the ladies the thong says, "Eat your heart out." Just think about how sexy that's going to be once things start to heat up in the bedroom. Nothing is hotter to see on a chick than melted chocolate around her ass. "Honey, is that melted chocolate or have you just shit yourself?" Hot, I know! I realllly like it to look like actual crap all over her body. What would happen if an old lady wore this? Do you think the chances are greater that it actually is shit on her ass? Yes, I age discriminate. Thanks Harriet for slutting up the holidays like never before!

Photo # 5 - Who wants send grandma into cardiac arrest? If your kids are yelling, "I do! I do!" then this is the perfect gift to give grandma. Simply place her gift card (I'd assume to the Harriet Carter store) into this plastic-locked maze and just sit back and watch grandma lose her mind while she tries to figure this puzzle out. Considering grandma typically answers the door when the phone rings, this should be a real hoot to watch. If you wanted to really get creative, simply replace the gift card with her heart medication and see how determined she is to crack the code. Oh, and with the arthritis she suffers from the laughs will be endless this holiday season. Please make sure to check her pulse and immediately dial 911 when grandma says she smells burnt toast and then falls out of her chair. Thanks again Harriet for making plastic even more fun than we could have ever imagined!
Well, ho-ho-ho that concludes another Harriet Carter segment, yet the first annual Harriet Carter "ImBringingBloggingBack: A Very Special Harriet Carter Christmas The Wednesday Before Christmas." I hope you have as ghetto a Harriet Carter Christmas as you can. Make her and me proud!!!


Alexis said...

Holy shit...they did not actually have an ornament from a dead person. Its like that sick christmas song about the new shoes for the kids mother who is going to meet Jesus is wrong with people. The chocolate thongs bring up suppressed memories of 2 girls 1 cup....

kiki12 said...

"Considering grandma typically answers the door when the phone rings"

holy shit, omg......again i laughed so hard i cried!!!!!

i want a Hariet Carter Friday as well to end the week with a bang!

The True Tale of the Omlish Grandma... said... Grandma actually gave me that locked maze one year with my holiday check inside! Every year she finds it necessary to buy little pieces of crap to go along with the holiday check...cuz that makes it more personal? I was almost excited at the thought that I may have been the owner of a fine item from Harriet Carter, but then I remembered my Grandma's penchant for the Dollar Store when it comes to buying crappy, worthless items. For a minute there I thought I had "klassy crap" but now I realize I just have "crap." Bummer. And it's not enough to just give me that tricky little maze and then let it drop...nope, Grandma found it necessary to bring it up AGAIN (for the 20th time) over Thanksgiving dinner. "Do you remember that little maze that Grandpa and I gave you a few years ago with your check? Wasn't that fun?! And so clever, too!" No, Grandma. It really wasn't all that fun. Unless your idea of fun involves a carrot stick, a donkey, and a Mexican hat with those hanging tassel things. Yeah I don't know what that means either...I'm gonna pretend it makes sense though because clearly I've digressed. So, Grandma, have you failed to recall that tiny, little insignificant detail about me breaking up with a boy the night before and, therefore, wasn't really in the mood to be emotionally tortured by a stupid plastic maze that was proving to be more intelligent than I was on that particular Christmas Eve? Yep, that was OFTEN, Grandma! Bringing up that memory is a treat, indeed! Maybe Harriet can whip me up a pillow with that story on it! Gee, that would be swell! Note to Grandma: Stop buying crap and lining the pockets of the Dollar Store because, somehow, I've managed to convince myself that the crap actually has sentimental value and therefore it occupies vital space under my bed. Instead, just add the extra $2 to my check (or $5 if I've been especially good) and call it a day. Glad we cleared that up...well, unless my Grandma doesn't read I-Triple-B...and given the fact that she has no idea how to use a computer, I'm guessing she's not what you would call a "frequent user" of the site. Oh Goody! I guess I can keep looking forward to crap! But hey, as long as the check is still attached then, really, who am I to complain?
PS. This story is 100% true. It may seem like one of my fabricated stories but, no, this peach could actually go into my autobiography (if I had one which, of course, I don't). Wait. maybe you're actually in cahoots (yes, I said cahoots) with my Grandma and thus explains the "coincidence" of this item appearing in the first place. OR maybe my Grandma DOES know how to use the computer and "I-Triple-B" is actually code for "Grandma." Darn you, this your way of out-doing "the year with the plastic maze," and now you're into riddles because the dollar store got too expensive? Ugh. Grandma: 2 Omlishette: 0

vivs said...

Chocolate tong?? Hilarious... I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate XMAs... Not!!

I love HC Wnsday more than the Hills!!