Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Harriet Carter, My Everything

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! I think it's nice that Harriet is changing the face of Wednesday's one white-trash useless product at a time. Let's take a look at what Harriet is selling us this week...


Product # 1 - Hey there "too busy!" How are you today? When you're on the go and in the middle of a rain storm how many times have you thought, "I have too much in my hands to hold an umbrella?" Well now you can keep your hands free so that you can slap at your bratty kids by attaching this umbrella to your shoulder. Let me repeat that. Attach this umbrella to your shoulder. Because that makes sense? The good news is that you won't look like a freak walking up the street with this contraption. Seriously, what are you doing that you can't hold an umbrella like the other millions of people who deal with an umbrella "the old fashion way?" As a sidenote, how the hell tall is that umbrella? Can it even keep you dry? Hopefully when wearing this you'll be the first one to get struck by lighting. Trust me, it's your best bet.


Product # 2 - This is the probably the last thing you purchase before you get ready to take your ultimate dirt nap. Have you ever been walking your dog and just felt like he wasn't dressed up enough to take a dump near that tree? I know! We've all been there. Well now you can make sure your dog is looking as spiffy as ever while he's licking his "dog business." Harriet is selling these wonderful ties that say "Leg Man" and "Sloppy Kisser." What a real treat. You're friends will be laughing for seconds once they see these snappy sayings. Hopefully these will be a huge seller for Harriet and she can expand the sayings. Perhaps, "I Eat Other Dogs Vomit." Or, "I Lick Other Dogs Asses and Then Want to Lick My Owners Face and/or Hands." Or how about, "When I Eat Tinsel Off the Christmas Tree and Try to Poop It Out, the Tinsel Hangs Out Of My Ass. Hug Me!" If I were the dog owner I would wear a tie that said, "There Are People Starving in this World and I Just Spent $20.00 on a Tie For My Dog. See You in Hell!" Catchy, right?

Product # 3 - Awesome! A stink machine! Are you such a showoff that you need to show all of your shoes to anyone who cares to look? Do you feel like your bedroom should resemble a department store or the 99 cent store for that matter? Well worry no more because now you can place all your shoes on your very own stink machine. Harriet is so helpful! She even drew an arrow around this stink machine to let us know that is spins. Oooh La La! Fancy. Is this a stink machine from Milan? Seriously, who needs this? What ever happened to the good old days of keeping your shoes in the....wait for it....wait for it....wait for it....closet. How about under your bed? And what kind of shoes are on that stink machine? Really? These are the best you could come up with? They look like their a size 13 and a nun would wear them. Classy.


Product # 4 - So this many people like tractors huh? So this many people like tools huh? Hmm. Huh. Hmmm. Ok, well let's make some socks to cater to this huge tractor loving tool using demographic. It makes no difference that these socks don't match and that the "funny" sayings are on the bottom of the foot, but just think of laughs you'll get when you take off your shoes, sit down, lift up your legs, and arch your foot to show your friends! They' ll respond by saying things such as, "Wow Jeb, you really like tools!" And other statements such as, "Gee wiz Billy Bob your tractor must feel really honored you're wearing a sock that talks about tractors and such." No joke, whatever land that the people live in who wear these would be my personal hell. As a sidenote, I really like Chicken Parmigian subs. Where are the socks that discuss that topic? Way to discriminate Harriet! Thanks for nothing. It's like you don't know me at all.



Harriet Carter, My Everything

2 comments:

The Armlish are Coming...hide your Oreo's! said...

Ummm...I know you already know this, Mr. I-Triple-B, but you are legitimately a GENIUS! Seriously. Do you realize that you/Harriet Carter have solved our recent conundrum of how to overcome the obstacle of the Armlish having an extra arm and therefore leaving us disadvantaged?!?! That Umbrella contraption essentially IS a third arm (not to be confused with a third leg, though, cuz this, after all, is a klassy, family-friendly site). I think we should place an order asap and distribute them amongst our fellow Omlish-ites...so, umm, I think three should cover it, no? One for you, one for me, and one for our favorite Australian; who I imagine drives a flying spaceship and has a greenish complexion...Australia's on a whole other planet, right? Yeah I'm pretty sure that's it. Anywho, back to business. I guess we should order four of the contraptions instead because, as the Girl Scouts say, "one should always be prepared." Actually I was never a Girl Scout but I do enjoy reading the stories on the package whilst enjoying some delicious Thin Mints...or maybe it was Samoas...those are delicious too...but the name always makes me think of Eskimo's for some reason. Geez, look at me, I digress again!! Back to business, part deux. So, now that you have brilliantly found a way to level the playing field with the Armlish, you know what this means, right? Not only can the Double O's go back on tour, but now we'll each be able to play THREE instruments instead of just two! I figure a few tweaks here and there, a fresh coat of paint, and that contraption could totally play a Lute! Now we'll be a Hippie/Mexican-themed band (b/c of the tambourine and morraca's) with a little Shakespearean vibe on the side (to add flair, of course.) This is so exciting...nice work! Oh, and do you realize that you posted this BEFORE you even knew the Armlish existed and posed a threat? Are we going to have to add "psychic" to your already lengthy list of OFTEN talents/traits? Well, I would write more but, ever since I wrote the word "Double O's," I can't stop thinking about double stuft oreo's for some reason...so, yeah..."food before commenting on blog sites" has always been my motto...write that one down...this kind of wisdom isn't usually handed out for free, kids! Unless you're reading this site, of course. Then it's wisdom-overload...which I believe actually makes you stupider b/c that whole overload thing ends up back-firing. Oh Well...I've got some double stuft oreo's calling my name so I don't really have time to debate any more of these philosophical topics....

Anonymous said...

what the hell is this person talking about? it has nothing to do with harriet carter. creeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.