Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Gobble Gobble

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday and what better way to spend your Thanksgiving Eve then by checking out the crap that Harriet is trying to sell us this holiday season. Sadly there aren't any Thanksgiving products that Harriet sells so we'll have to settle for these. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Hey cheap ass! Are you too cheap to spend $10.00 to go get your haircut at Supercuts? Why not just figure out a ghetto way to cut it yourself. Well now you can thanks to Harriet Carters haircutting comb. All you need to do is just comb your hair like normal and this comb that has a razor in it will slice the piss out of your head/scalp. What a treat! I'm sure it's going to look great. Just remember how many times you combed one side of you head because you'll need to comb the other side the same amount of times. Oh, and best wishes with the back of your head. I'm sure that will turn out wonderful. For me, the best thing about this product is the description. I think someone was drunk when they wrote it. It actually says, "Hair Cutting Comb gives you \r\na perfect cut..." What the hell is \r\na? Are they trying to say that the razor will cut the DNA out of you? It continues by saying, "Simply wet hair and comb away until desired length is achievedoitis quick..." "Achieviedoitis?" Is that a disease? It's like comb your hair until you get a horrible disease. Oh, and nice job following the simple directions jackass. This guy didn't even wet his molester hair. Blah.

Product # 2 - Can your cartoon old lady not see over the steering wheel? Sometimes it is difficult for cartoons to drive. Are they kidding with this? How little is the lady not using this seat booster and more importantly why is the lady who's using the seat screaming bloody murder? Seriously, take a look at her. She looks like she just witnessed a murder. What do you see once you sit on the seat? Perhaps once she actually used this she realized she was 100 years old was was endangering the lives of thousands of others on the road? Perhaps this is a "truth seat?" Also, what in fact is she driving because that doesn't look like a car. Is she piloting an airplane? Maybe that's why she's screaming? Who knows. Maybe she's freaked out because there are dotted lines coming out of her eyes. Jeesh. Getting old must be tough.

Product # 3 - Merry Christmas sweetie! Now go and play with your bag of trash. Santa was really busy this year and mom and dad have no extra money because they spend all their income on ridiculous Harriet Carter products so you hug that bag of trash. This looks like a safe gift too because I'm pretty sure that people say that kids should be, not only, playing with plastic bags but they should be learning to love them as well. When this little bratty bitch gets tired of just hugging the bag hopefully she'll try out jumping into the bag and seeing what happens. Ho-ho-ho! Santa will see you in the ICU!

Product # 4 - There was something that I always seemed to look over in the Harriet Carter crapalog. Blanket Models. Yes, blanket models. There are a ton of them. And look who's "modeling" this Elvis blanket? Why it's none other than "Failure Model Chick!" What an honor this must be for her. Now typically she has some sort of mask on hiding parts of her face. That must be good for the ego. Well now Harriet Carter is allowing Failure Model Chick to show her face, but hide her entire body. Good call, Harriet. This ain't no smut magazine! I have a question however. How long are Failure Model Chick's arms? It kinda looks like her hands are about 10 feet to the left and 10 feet to the right. Are those cartoon hands? Hmmm could Failure Model Chick model for the circus one day? I bet! Also, is this Elvis Presley? It sorta looks like he autographed it as "Elvis Pushy." Maybe that's why this blanket costs about $2.00.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Gobble Gobble


kiki12 said...

yah!!!! i couldn't wait for HC Wednesday and now my day is complete! Happy Muthafukin' Thanksgiving!!!!!

berniesgirl said...

Happy turkey day.

best part: Santa will see you in the ICU

Eva Liz said...

My parents are not as amused as I am at your Harriet Carter recaps. I, however, could use one of those pairs of plastic underwear that Harriet has every single Wednesday.

Happy Thanksgiving, you turkey, you.

Taylor said...

I love Wednesdays.

My sister and I concur, that our quality of life has greaty improved since finding IBBB.

Thank you. :P

Anonymous said...

I wish HC would sell Elvis toilet paper. I'd buy a case.


Dunno if this works from an African-American-Berry said...

Bonjour, Monsieur O.M. Lish! Premiere, il est tres important pour moi dire que j'aime le site, I-Triple-B! Il est tres choutte, non?! Je pense que oui, c'est vrai!! Deuxieme, I will now speak English because I know your brain is not, um, "advanced" enough to handle alternative languages, no? OFTEN! I just would like to say that I find your usage of "ho ho ho" to be quite offensive. Not only does it make me feel like a $2.00 common whore but, as I was reminded on Thanksgiving by family members, "ho ho ho" was actually my first word(s) and therefore I believe I have the phrase patented (much like how Paris has the word "hot" patented.) And I swear on Jesus' life that I am not making up that "ho ho ho" was my first word(s). I wish I was joking cuz it's semi embarrassing (slash often!)...although technically I guess one could argue that the words turned out to be quite apropos and prophetic. Ha ha ha!! (Might I suggest that as a reasonable alternative?!)Oh well. I've never been one to conform so it's not surprising that I had to pull out the most random word(s) ever, as my first. Anywho...I know this was a boring post, but I'm busy drinking copious amounts of vino...after so many days, though, I was beginning to feel a little left out of the blogging comments world, so I had to say See ya bye and I hope your vacation is fantabulous!!
PS. Was the Turkey Fairy good to you this year?! I hope so!