Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Hills: Heidi and Lauren Fight and IM?

So a tell-tale sign of when Heidi is "acting" is when she tilts her head to the side a bit and squints her eyes like she's 50 and trying to read the newspaper. Anyway, it's the moment we've all been waiting for: Lauren and Heidi meet up and fight it out like white-trash ho's on the Jerry Springer Show. We've seen the commercial about 3,581 times so we know how it's going to go down, but I'm just wondering if they really thought we would buy that IM scene? So you're trying to tell me that Heidi's IM screen-name really is heidiheidim09@aol.com. Really? So here's how this crapisode, Forgive and Forget, went down:
  • Why is Kimberly trying to be the new Elodie? She'll never compare. It's great that Heidi has a new "friend" to go to the Declare Yourself party, although I am shocked that she isn't bringing Steve Sanders.
  • Nice try Lauren, but you have a microphone on which means even when we can't see you we can still hear you. Whitney and Lauren are walking into the party talking about how Lisa Loveless told them to have a good time. Cut to the next scene where you hear Lauren say, "that chick that was in The Devil Wears Prada." Yeah we know what you're talking about Lauren. Leave Lisa Loveless alone. LEAVE HER ALONE YOU BASTARD!
  • Ok can everyone stop referring to this as an "event." This event is the first event where we didn't have to work. Who will be at this event. This event looks amazing. We get it, it's an event. Damn the effects of the Writers Strike. Damn it!
  • My favorite scripted moment of the episode (besides the entire thing) is where Lauren and Whitney walk out to get a table and at the same time Heidi and Kimberly are walking in. They miss each other by like 2 seconds. Actually, I'm wrong. They miss each other by 2 scripted seconds. That's better.
  • Seeing Audrina in a helmet is like seeing a baby smile. It's just natural.
  • How come nobody will say exactly what Audrina's new promotion is. I know she was a receptionist before, but now she's just saying she's "more involved." Really? Is that your title. Add that to you business cards. She's all psyched she has a cubical to sit in now. Great. Cubicles suck. Let's put it this way, you're famous, on TV, make like $25,000 an episode, and now you're in a cubical. That's about 740 steps down. Congrats on being "more involved" though. Damn the Writers Strike for not thinking up a real title for you Audrina. Damn them!
  • Justin Bobby looks like he leaves a ring around the bathtub.
  • Sly Heidi. We saw you look right into the camera when Whitney and Lauren were sitting at the table. Smooth.
  • Stop. Halt. Stop everything. What in the holy hell does Heidi mean when she says to Kimberly, "Remember that girl I told you about, she's right over there." Wait, what? Is Kimberly deaf and blind? All Heidi needed to say was, "Lauren is over there. You know Lauren. We're on this show called "The Hills" and are on every magazine cover for the past 2 years. Our fight made international news and there is a camera crew filming her and us right now. Are you familiar?"
  • Way to make it better, Whitney, by telling Lauren how horrible this is for her. Great friend.
  • I love how they keep talking about the sex tape. While the fight between Heidi and Lauren is a bit uneventful (mainly because we saw all of it in the commercials throughout the week) I do think it's great how they keep using lighting that seems to give Lauren all wrinkles under her eyes. Heidi may seem like the asshole, but Lauren kinda is looking like one.
  • Bonus points, however, for The Hills not waiting to show this fight in the last 5 seconds of the show.
  • Wow! Audrina's teeth really seem to pop with the grey wall behind her. Technically her teeth are whiter than the couch cushions.
  • Audrina is working with Sean Kingston because, apparently, answering phones for 2 years makes you qualified to help develop an artist. This is boring me.
  • Stop. Wait. Stop everything. Why are they playing the music from "America's Next Top Model." They totally are. The scene directly after Audrina is talking to her co-worker about when she can see Justin Bobby, they then play the music from America's Next Top Model when the girl gets eliminated and they show her picture disappearing. How do I know this? MTV plays marathon episodes of ANTM about 5 days a week.
  • Ok so, what time do interns normally start the day? 9am? 8am? 8:30am? Well not Lauren. She starts her day at 5:34 PM. She comes in and sits down at her "computer" and gets an IM from Heidi which is timestamped 5:34 PM. Does Lauren do any work at all? And whose IM looks like that? Where's her little Wee-person?
  • Whitney shut the F up and be patient. She's asking Lauren every 2 seconds what's going on. Relax. Jeesh. Read the script Whitney, that should fill you in.
  • What does Whitney mean she "just wants to help?" What is she going to help with? Help type for Lauren?
  • And cue Steve Sanders sitting on the couch, per usual.
  • Hey creepy, stop reading your girlfriends instant messages and get a job.
  • Steve Sanders did not blink once during his scene.
  • Is Heidi going on a date with Lauren? Why is she bringing her flowers?
  • Nice of Lauren to take the flowers and toss them on the counter. Way to be an adult.
  • Ouch. Awkward small talk. I'm embarrassed.
  • Why does Lauren keep blaming Spencer for the sex tape? I don't think Heidi is lying...technically. Spencer didn't start the sex-tape rumor. Steve Sanders started the sex tape rumor. See how that works? You're welcome Heidi.
  • What the hell is Lauren talking about? Uh-oh her voice is turning into that loud and high-pitched squeak again. This is the same as the last time Lauren and Heidi fought on their couch. Now we just need Lauren to declare something pointless.
  • Oh, there it is. Lauren says, "Sometimes when you love people you want to believe they're good." Yes Lauren that's how it works. Thanks for stating the obvious. Damn the Writers Strike. Damn it!
  • Wait, there's another one. Lauren says, "Sometimes when you do something or don't do something, it's just as bad." Huh? Are you just pulling these sayings out of fortune cookies or something? No wonder why Heidi can't really respond. She probably thinks you're having a stroke.
  • Nice! Almost fake tears.
  • Forgive and forget. I want to figure you and I want to forget you. Nice Lauren. I want to forgive myself and I want to forget myself for watching this crap.
  • Heidi leaves, but makes sure to compliment Lauren on her apartment and wishes her a great life. I hope this show never ends. I hope it outlives me.

Next week on The Hills, Heidi and Steve Sanders go look at a church for their wedding that won't burst into flames when they walk in and Steve Sanders want to go to Vegas to get married, which Heidi doesn't want to do and she puts her $11.00 ring on the table. Oh, and Whitney practices punching into the wind. Should be a good show.

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The Hills: Heidi and Lauren Fight and IM?


Melissa said...

If we are lucky enough to be blessed with a spinoff of this spinoff, I pray that centers around Justin Bobby. I literally pulled the covers over my face in embarrassment when Audrina is telling JB about her new role at work and how excited she is about the job and her new cubicle and blah blah blah…..>BEEELLLLCCCHH< Audrina gives him the >Blink….Blink Blink< to which he belches one more time before the head twitches, and he flips his hair seven times looking in every direction but hers. Not since Noah writing Allie “Every day for a year” have I seen such devotion. If this guy is HALF the douche he portrays on this show, he’s still a douche.

Andy said...

RE: The Lauren/Heidi throwdown – Ultimately this is was a disappointment, mostly because the words whore, slut, and cunt were not used. I was also disappointed that Lauren didn’t once again refer to Spencer as a “sucky person” since third grade descriptions rule.

RE: Audrina – I’m sure her dad had a heart attack when he saw her get flowers from a 300 lb black guy. Good think he’s only 17. And how about the way Justin Bobby is so amused with himself after every burp? I hope they have a mini Hills spin-off dealing with their breakup and Audrina’s subsequent fucking spree.

Speaking of fucking, I think I’d like to take that redhead from the after-show for a spin around the block. She wears kinda billowy clothes so her body might be a mess but that’s what liquor is for.

Anonymous said...

It's almost like Heidi and LC were having 2 seperate conversations on the couch and they were so far away from each other that I bet that Heidi was just dubbed in.

I LOVE your recaps and will miss them when The Hills ends :(

Maybe you can write for season 4!

Anonymous said...

LOVED your recap! i coudn't wait for what you had to say about whitney bugging the shit out of Lauren when she was "reading" the im's! again, can't wait for next week!

GammaGirl said...

Is it just me or does the saga of LC and Heidi get more and more subtexty?
Also, if Lauren REALLY hates heidi, why can't she come up with something legitimately offensive? "You're a bad person" just doesn't have the sting as "backstabbing ho-bag!"

Re Audrina: MTV must stop giving vapid dlisters pretend jobs in the entertainment biz. There is NO WAY Audrina works for Epic. I did kinda like how Chiara got bitchy when Audrina wanted to invite JB to Leno.

ibbeckyb said...

Just FYI, I have been schlepping your name on every other Hills blog I know of, so you better thank me when you complete Operation Sell Out. I mean, I told everybody. Check it out.

ashley1 said...

lauren has class on most days therefore doesn't go into teen vogue until afterwards, whence the 5 pm time stamp.

Anonymous said...

wow, ashley1 (clever name), do you wear uggs and sip on starbucks all day? yes you say, then let's move on to the next question. do you know lauren? my prediction is probably not. does she even really go to school? i'm going to go with a big fat "no" on that one too. but good sticking up for her, i'm sure she really appreciates it.

Marcy said...

Wow, when you said Steve Sanders was reading his gf's IMs I assumed it was over her shoulder as she was typing it... how creepy to go looking through old ones and reading them!

I like how in the previews for next week Steve says "We're going to Vegas..." not as in "hey honey, you wanna go to Vegas?" Or "What do you think of getting hitched in Vegas?" No, he's making the decision for them. Does he even want a real wife, or just a doll he can tell what to do?

BTW I do think Lauren's supposed to still be going to school which would be why she does her internship later. They just don't show any school stuff b/c it's probably... boring. But my guess is that's why she's still an intern, rather than having a regular job there like Whitney got when she graduated.

Marcy said...

PS- I love how they assume the flowers are actually from Sean Kingston. I'm putting my money with them being sent by a PR person or someone else in his entourage. I'm sure stars that are "poppin'" have the time to send flowers to every person they ever work with on a daily basis.

Taylor said...

Steve Sanders neither blinks nor closes his mouth. EVER. He's a MOUF BREEVER.

Great write up as usual. NOW I can watch the show.

Anonymous said...

you wrote "figure your and forget you"..don't cha mean fogive you and forget you??
Love the blog though..cracks me up everytime!!! you're very dead on !

Anonymous said...

For not liking or being interested in the show, you seem to know an awful lot about it. Is this blog for a job or assignment of some sort, or did you choose to pick apart every detail? Why are you a hater?- I'm sure that if you could be making money in the same way, you would.- Also, if you lived your life, and I don't mean through your TV, you would understand that a lot of the things that happen in the show are very realistic.

Andy said...

The comment above me is hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I mean, wow.

Pop Culture said...

Dear "Anonymous" or (Steve Sanders/Heidi/Lauren/Audrina/Audrina's Teeth/etc),

Who said I don't like this crap? I LOVE this crap. It's still crap though and I can still love it. For example, I love cupcakes, but they are bad for you when you eat too many. The same thing goes for The Hills. I love it, it's crap, and it hurts me in the long run.

I do have a life outside of my TV. For example, I.....damn, blanks.

If you ever read this blog you would know that I am admitting 100% to selling out. That's why I have ads on the site.

Also, my favorite color is blue.

I am a wicked big loser, clearly.

Anonymous said...

I love you and I love your blog.

Is it weird that my hatred for Steve Sanders is actually making me kind of LIKE Heidi? I almost wanted her and Lauren to make up so Heidi would and kick him to the curb for fucking up their friendship, and then get into another fight over something even more lame than a sex tape rumor. Honestly, it was a sex tape, not a porno. What's the big damn deal? Yeah I'd be pissed that the dude was runnin his mouth about things that are untrue (if they realy are) but wouldn't it have been better to tell him to fuck off and then laugh about it to other people, like "Really? There's a sex tape?? Sweet! I wanna see it!! Does my ass look fat in it? Or am I wearing one of those big flowy dresses I always wear that covers up any waist or curves I might have?"