Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Hills: Introducing Stephanie Pratt

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I won't lie. I've been waiting for this episode for a week. Every day I would think "how many more sleeps until The Hills is on?" Some people have an Advent calender, I have a "Hills" calender. Anyway, praise Jesus, YES Steve Sanders has a sister! While she does look like Heidi and Whitney morphed into one person, since this is Steve Sanders we are talking about we will have to reference her as Emily Valentine (the badass chick from 90210). However, my friends, it won't stop there. There's no reason why she can't have 2 nicknames. Therefore Emily Valentine may also be referenced as "Sandy Sanders." Spread the word. Anyway here's how this wonderful crapisode, "A Night at the Opera, went down:
  • I love how Lauren and Audrina legit seemed scared of Sandy Sanders. Yes Lauren, she will hit you, although we are waiting for conclusive DNA tests to decipher whether or not she is, indeed, a female.
  • Lauren tries to go all "IBBB" and nickname Emily Valentine "She Pratt." Nice try Lauren. That's my job. You may either call her Sandy Sanders or Emily Valentine. Here's a helpful hint. When she is being a douche-bag you should call her Emily Valentine. When she is just existing in the crapisode you should call her Sandy Sanders. You're welcome.
  • Sandy Sanders shows up at Steve Sanders and Heidi's apartment and wants to know where the jellyfish are. Huh? I want to know what happened to Heidi's puppy and Heidi's cat from older seasons of The Hills. My educated guess is that she's killed these animals only to use some of their features for her own physical enhancements (i.e nose, chin, and boobs). You do the math.
  • Why does Heidi ask Sandy Sanders if she and her parents know about the wedding? Do they not have TVs or read magazines? My parents, who don't even watch The Hills or know what it is, know that Heidi and Steve Sanders are getting married.
  • Where is Heidi's wedding ring during this conversation? Perhaps it's with the jellyfish...and puppy....and cat....and old nose.....and old chin.....and old boobs.
  • When these three are talking it's like they're having a "Teeth Off" Competition.
  • Alright alright the gangs at Opera in LA. Brody, for some reason, is dressed like Eminem and when he asks Justin Bobby how he's been Justin Bobby replies, "I don't even know how I've been." Sweet. How's your drugs Justin Bobby? Good? Please share.
  • Why does Justin Bobby always wear that scarf over his head? He looks like that chick that was on the cover of National Geographics. You know the one.
  • Shocker. Emily Valentine and her friend "Roxy" surprisingly are at Opera too. Also, does the name "Roxy" really exist? Anyway, Emily Valentine scriptedly confronts Brody and Lauren and tells Brody that he's on the evil side and he should come home with them. Huh? When did this turn into Star Wars?
  • AWESOME! Lauren turns this confrontation into one of those old Sally Jesse Raphael episodes when they have "troubled teens" on and the the audience boo's the "troubled teen" and the "troubled teen" yells back at the audience, "You don't know me. Do you know me? You don't know me!" Yeah, well, Lauren said the same thing to Emily Valentine, "You don't know me. Do you know me?" Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki!
  • Oh and you know that when Lauren yells out, "Don't fight other peoples battles" you know that Emily Valentine and Roxy were like 50 feet away."
  • I'm a little disappointed that drinks weren't thrown and the term "meat curtains" wasn't used, but what can you do. You can only ask for so much.
  • However, the scene gets even better when Justin Bobby calls over the red headed chick like she's a $2.00 whore. Brilliant.
  • Here's the thing. I don't believe that these two kissed. Here's why. There are cameras everywhere. You mean to tell me that the cameras weren't on a drugged/drunken Justin Bobby and the random red-headed slut while Audrina AND her teeth were just one table over? No way. The kiss was the only thing that wasn't filmed. I don't buy it.
  • I'm now taking bets at how many times Audrina and her teeth will say, "Seriously, I'm done." I'm going for 12.
  • Justin Bobby may not have kissed her but he definitely walked out of the bar with her grabbing her boobs and then trying to hide from the camera.
  • HOLY CRAP! This is when The Hills takes a turn for the better and, in my opinion, should be nominated for an Emmy. All of a sudden it's like I'm watching "Cops." Camera people are shooting from a distance, subtitles are being used, the footage is a bit grainy because they're outside, and you truly feel like Audrina and Justin Bobby are seconds away from a fist fight near a dumpster. I love the Fox show "Cops" and I love The Hills. I never thought of combining them, but brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
  • Perfect. Audrina just said, "I'm done" about 3 times so far.
  • Whoa, they really are standing next to a dumpster now. How trashed is Justin Bobby? Is he developing some sort of accent? I may not be a psychologist, even though I am, but it seems that Audrina's low self esteem is making her not able to allow herself to really get mad that Justin Bobby kissed another girl. Wow. I just got wicked deep.
  • Wait, is this not scripted? Usually when Audrina cries she smiles. This time, just tears. No smile. No teeth. Ok, well a little teeth, but not a full smile.
  • Sandy Sanders stops by Steve Sanders and Heidi's apartment again to tell the tale of the events of the night before with Lauren and Brody. Why does her story not really match up with what we actually saw and what she said? By the way, they're having another "teeth off."
  • Heidi seems less than thrilled at the conversation. Maybe she's seen some of her earlier episodes this season where she looks like douche-bag-a-palooza.
  • Justin Bobby heads over to Audrina's apartment and he is all business because he has his hair in a bun. Yes, a bun. His hair is in perfect placement for judging panel at America's Next Top Model. That's just how Tyra likes it. What? Yeah, I can mix two bad reality shows together.
  • Anyway, J Bob denies kissing that ugly girl. I believe him. I mean, I also don't give a crap, but I do believe it. It's just tricky work of the producers.
  • Bonus points for Justin Bobby's eyes starting to fill up when Audrina tells him it's over.
  • This better not be the last we see of Justin Bobby, as my other website (http://www.justinbobby.com/) will suffer miserably.

On next weeks episode, Sandy Sanders talks to Heidi about the wedding and tells Steve Sanders that Heidi may not want to get married. Steve Sanders and Heidi get into an argument and Steve Sanders leaves while Heidi throws a magazine at the door.....followed by world implosion.


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The Hills: Introducing Stephanie Pratt

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Um...did Justin Bobby's mom and little sis pick he and Audrina up in a minivan after the dumpster fight? It was like after a middle school dance gone bad. Seriously, please watch that again and let me know.

GammaGirl said...

"Where is Heidi's wedding ring during this conversation? Perhaps it's with the jellyfish...and puppy....and cat....and old nose.....and old chin.....and old boobs."
I thought I was the only one who noticed that Heidi either kills animals or they disappear when the cameras come around!

The JustinBobby and Audrina fight was kind of a letdown...possibly because it wasn't scripted.

LOVED LC's googly eyes when she talked about "girls hitting girls." PLEASE!

I'm really starting to hate this show.

Taylor said...

Meat Flaps, Teeth Off, a Ricki Lake reference.

Brilliant IBBB.

BRAVO !! BRAVO !!

Anonymous said...

no whitney? no lisa love? no lo?

berniesgirl said...

Am i the only one that thinks Justin Bobby is the spitting image of Eddie Veder? and his accent came out of NOWHERE!!! is it because we've never heard him talk?

I must say, i'm pretty depressed that Justin Bobby might not be on the show anymore. This just means that Steve Sanders needs to turn on the douche full time.

Anonymous said...

I think I might look forward to the blog recap more than the actual show.

Can we just bring Jordan back with the puppy for Heidi?

Anonymous said...

did sandy have leoprosy? seriously, check out her chest. i was expecting your wrath on that.

Anonymous said...

IBBB…I really have to give it to ya for keeping us up-to-date while you’re traveling. Way to go! Are you really a woman (LOL)? I don’t know of a man so faithful to his loyal readers….anywho

I think the reason Heidi doesn’t wear her ring is because her frail little hand can’t possibly hold up that ring all day. Why she would be dragging her arm on the ground all day, like evolution was reversing in her case…not to say that’s its not.

J Bob…I like this name! I thought he took Audrina to talk by the dumpster because that’s where he lives. I mean come on?! I’m sure he has a little voice inside his head that tells him to put that scarf on his head, in some attempt to protect the public from looking at him. No justice to the lady in National Geographic though…she was easier to look at. We know he has access to water and soap…her not so much. They had to find her in the mountains and J Bob’s excuse is???? Well there ya go.

By-the-way IBBB, I’ve got your bail money just in case you need it from your travel to LA. I’ll be patiently watching the news to hear of an “Elf crazed lunatic” bearing a laptop, arrested of harassment. Of course you know I have ulterior motives…it’s for my and the other readers benefit…we must be kept abreast (thought you’d like that word)! You’ve spoiled us being so devoted.

Marcy said...

Yeah, I recently caught up on seasons 1 and 2 and when season 2 started and there was no puppy anymore I was like WTF?

And yeah, what the hell was Justin Bobby wearing on his head???

BTW qanyone know how many more episodes are left in this season? It seems to be longer than previous ones... not that I'm complaining, but want to prepare myself for when there will be a Hills break and I'll have to occupy my time otherwise.

ibbeckyb said...

Just checked Sandy Sanders' mugshot on the Star mag website. Wow. She looks even more like Steve when she's high.

Oyster Girl said...

Uh....Sandy Sanders looks just like the a greasy teenage Tina Yothers..aka Jennifer Keaton from Family Ties! Maybe she is trying to make a come back.

Anonymous said...

Shout out to all the fellow IBBB readers...if you would stop and take into account Heidi's boyfriend...aka Steve Sanders, that would explain where the "animals" are. They were given to Heidi by other boyfriends or family/friends. As controlling as he is and taking into consideration how he's managed to cut her off from anyone in her past, he probably mader her get rid of them. Although how she did is a different question.

Anonymous said...

I've figured it out where the animals are! Steve Sanders probably killed them and used their fur for those random beards he sports. Cuz you know he ain't got the balls to grow one. Boo Yow..

Anonymous said...

You know you want to enter - just check out the url:

http://www.mtv.com/ontv/shows/the_hills/biggest_fan/

Andy said...

Re: Spencer and chicks
Any guy, much less one with a SISTER knows that 99.9% of chicks want a big stupid wedding and have been planning it since they were about 7. Also, anyone who spends 1.5 seconds with Heidi knows that she loves attention in all its forms. Now Spencer may be a huge idiot and out of touch with the real world but even he would have to see that there is no way that Heidi would go along with eloping to Vega$. That tells me that this had to be another one of those producer inspired set ups to produce some kind of conflict between the two lovebirds. Whatever.

Re: Spencer’s sister
This broad needs her own show like yesterday. I GUARENTEE that she tries to get into clubs with “I’m Spencer Pratt’s sister” and “Brody Jenner is a family friend.” She did bust on Frankie (the biggest tool in MTV Reality history, yes I went there) so that was big points in my book. And what about when talking to Heidi and Spencer she just declared herself Heidi’s best friend? Is that how it works? If so then I declare myself Whitney’s best friend…with benefits! Ta-da!

Re: Brody
He showed some balls when he went off on Spencer’s sister but then he lost it when he let Audrina get manipulated by Justin Bobby. So Brody is a hard ass when it comes to yelling at skinny girls but some dirty ass hippy is way too much for him to handle. Duly noted Brody. That giant blonde with Lauren and Audrina should have stepped in and saved Audrina from JB. I wouldn’t fuck with her and I play linebacker for the Packers.

Re: JustinBobby
I was as shocked to see this guy driving an El Camino as I would be if you told me that water was wet. He has gone from hilariously obnoxious douche bag that I love to see to just another Hollywood poser wannabe dipshit. I bet JustinBobby tells anyone that listens about how great the 70s were and how he should have been around in that decade, etc. He wants you to think he is some kind of working class guy that plays music for the love of it when in reality that pussy can’t even change his own oil and his favorite song is MmmmBop by Hanson. I bet his parents are loaded too and he’s never worked a day in his life. “Your friends can’t even fathom me right now?” Christ, what a beat-off!

Re: Audrina
She’s an idiot and deserves JustinBobby. Not much else needs to be said.

Anonymous said...

I love you!

Anonymous said...

Where the hell has LO been??? she hasn't been on in like 4 episodes

Anonymous said...

Steph is so gross & her face is so Shiny. It is not like she wasn't trying to get her 15 min of fame. Why wouldn't you try (yeah try cause she ain't no beauty) to look better. I assume she possesses all the superficial qualities of her bro & Heidi so I was very surprised her make-up & hair was not done perfectly. I mean a little dab of palmade would make those frizzies go away Steph. Don't y'all just love the fact that our pal Steph has a criminal record. Yep it is confirmed that she is indeed the piece of trash we all suspected when we saw her on last night's episode. Who shoplifts & then admits to the cops they are on drugs. What a dumbass. The Prat family is so messed up. I too wondered what happened to Heidi's dog. I read somewhere she gave it away. She is too selfish to take care or thik of anything but herself. I think the cat is Lauren's. I heard that she doesn't live at the apartment they film at anymore but they still film there. As for JB, he is just gross. Why would Adrina even want to date him. He looks like the homeless dude they took in on the Kardashian show. Yuck, JB needs a shower. I thought he might have kissed the girl or just got real close at the booth next to where everyone was sitting but they said it was at the bar. I don't think the cameras are all over the club & they probably didn't catch the kiss. What they didn't show was Audrina flipping off JB with both hands & cussing him out. Audrina is an idiot for putting up with JB. It isn't like he is some great catch.

Anonymous said...

just to let you know that a) the cat is lauren's not heidi's and b) Heidi got rid of the dog because it reminded her to much of jordan..gave it to some family or something like that.

blowfly said...

dude. your recap is awesome. I'm ashamed to admit I added your blog to my favorites so I can read next week's. I mean I'm ashamed I watch the Hills, and I read recaps.

Anonymous said...

I watched Stephanie Pratt paparazzi nude video [HeRe]
nice body..