Sunday, December 30, 2007

New England Patriots 16-0 Perfect Record. Eat THAT Briget Moynahan!

Bridget Moynahan may have tried to curse the Patriots until the cows came home. She even got herself knocked up...probably as a way to mess with Tom Brady's head. I'm sure the Colts paid her to do so. Regardless, it didn't work, as last night my New England Patriots just finished a perfect season. Perfect, you know, kinda like how Jessica Alba was to me before she too got knocked up.

Anyway, I may live in New York now, but I was lucky enough to be able to watch the game in Boston last night. There's nothing like watching your team make history in your home town. Here's what went down:
  • Pats became the first team to go 16-0 in the regular season (sidenote, Yankees suck)
  • Tom Brady broke the record for the most touchdowns in the regular season (last night he passed Payton Manning).
  • Randy Moss broke the record for the most touchdown receptions in a season with 23 (Jerry Rice held the record with 22).
  • The Pats scored a record setting 589 points this season (they beat out the Vikings who had 556 back in 1998).

The Giants put up a good game, but in the end the Pats won 38-35 and now have 2 weeks off before the real games begin. Bridget Moynahan also has 2 weeks to perfect her next attempt at cursing the Patriots. Nice try Moynahan. Nice try.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Mischa Barton Arrested for DUI. Nice!

Lindsay who? Fine, so I'm reporting this about 12 hours after everyone else but it's still worth mentioning that Mischa Barton, star of ???, has been arrested for driving under the influence, possession of a narcotics (narc alert!), driving with a suspended license, and for being a complete bore (ok I made that last one up). As a sidenote, what technically is a "Mischa?" Stupid. Hopefully she'll get charged with a retarded name too. Mischa was using her car as a missile and declaring jihad on West Hollywood around 2:45 AM when she was driving in about 15 different lanes. Mischa was being held on $10,000 bail.
My thoughts? Yay! She's paving the way for more celebrities facing jail-time. With Lindsay on the straight and narrow (and boring) and Britney just up to her typical tricks I was really hoping that someone would be spending some time in the slammer. Thanks Mischa.

Also, that's a great mugshot. Again, is the camera man hanging by a rope from the ceiling? As more on this story develops I'll be sure not to report on anything as I am already bored with this story.

Newport Harbor: Scripted Thanksgiving

Gobble Gobble! It's time to give thanks during the Thanksgiving episode of Douche Bag Creek. Is is just me or does Chrissy seem to come home every 4 days? Anyway, here's how this episode, It's O-V-E....but not R, goes down:

  • Ah sorority sluts. How I've missed them. The sorority sisters a telling Chrissy how much they'll miss her and her family when she goes home for Thanksgiving. Yeah, more like they'll miss her party mansion. Although, I'm sure the girls are relieved they won't have to run into Chrissy's dad who is probably already sketching out his plan to drug them and then diddle the hell out of them. Pervert.
  • Steve Sanders Jr. is a tool, but then he calls Chrissy's "boyfriend" Billy a "douche" and then suddenly I gain a little respect for him. This is Douche Bag Creek after all so it is fitting. As a side note, why does Clay always look high? Is he going to be the new J-Wahl?
  • Steve Sanders Jr haircut is sort of resembling Ellen DeGeneres. Just sayin'.
  • Taylor and her friend are getting their make-up done in what looks like an 80's music video montage because.....? No clue why.
  • Kylie, Chrissy, Chase, and Brody Jr. Jenner are all on a double-date and talking about the party from the week before. They all sound like they are reading from cue cards when Brody Jr. Jenner says, "that was a nice surprise though, right?" (about Clay surprising Chrissy). They all awkwardly laugh....but more like because he wasn't reading the cue cards, he was just ad-libbing. Perhaps this was like the Blooper reel for them?
  • Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are having the lamest BBQ ever. Taylor shows up in what I can only assume is aluminum foil. Oh wait, maybe they're going to toss her onto the grill and cook her up?
  • Taylor peels off her tin foil and hops into the hot tub. Whoa. How the hell old is she? 18? Please? She is way hotter than Chrissy. Thanks for packing on the Freshman 15, Chrissy, in the first 2 months. Can't wait to see you rolling onto the scene in May.
  • YES! It's time for a pointless segment with Allie and Samantha! This is great! It looks like they're at the same apartment complex that Daniel and his mother moved into in Karate Kid Part One. I know, for sure, that Mr. Miagi is around there somewhere.
  • These two are so pointless. No joke, Allie just said the word "like" around 56 times. I'm not lying. Rewind it and count it. If they edited out all the times Allie said "like" her conversation would have gone something like this: "Hey Sam." The end.
  • Even better! It's time for a scripted Thanksgiving dinner at Chrissy's house. There is basically no other family members there except the token grandma and then Chrissy's DB friends. Chrissy's dad better keep that turkey in front of his pants because I think he's ready to diddle.
  • Oh Christ. They're going around the table saying what they are thankful for. My turn. I'm thankful that I haven't gone into cardiac arrest and lapse into a coma from watching this show. I'm the worst.
  • Oh Christ Part II. Chrissy's pervy dad is asking Chase and Kylie is they're know, because it's his business? Chrissy's mom calls them "tweeners" and it's at this moment where I decide I officially hate me and my life.
  • Sasha is shoveling in her food. Down girl!
  • Here's where the secondhand embarrassment comes in. Chrissy says that with her and Clay it's O-V-E....but the "R" isn't there yet. Retard. No joke, no one says anything. It gets really awkward and Chrissy just smiles. Yes, my friends, it has come to this. I miss Cami.
  • What the hell? Chase goes to meet Kylie's family. Her mother looks exactly like her. This is just like Jessica and her mom from Laguna Beach. Now that was a show!
  • Does Chase know that Kylie is the guy in the relationship? It's like she wants no part of this.
  • Woo-hoo! Chrissy and Sasha are trashed at the lamo party. Sasha must realize it's her time to shine and has a few lines to say. She constantly is fixing her hair while talking. Good way to be camera ready, Sasha.
  • Are there 6 sets of commercials in this episode?
  • The show ends with Chrissy telling her pervy dad that she still has feelings for Clay and for Brody Jr. Jenner. What's a girl (who's gained a few pounds in her first semester of college) to do?
  • I'm sure the producers are hoping that Chrissy drops out of college, moves back home, decides to go to fashion school, and then moves to LA. They can then call her new show something like "The Hillsport Harbor Beach."

Only 1 more crapisode left! I'm almost free!

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Newport Harbor: Scripted Thanksgiving

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Harriet Carter: Best of 2007!

Wow another craptastic year of Harriet Carter has come and gone and I'm still lawsuit free! I figured what better way to walk through the year of Harriet Carter then to choose my top 19 products of 2007. I could have had everyone vote, but lets face it - knowledge leads to power and I don't need my readers getting too smart and going somewhere else. Anyway, below are my favorite 19 (yes 19), so grab 16 pots of coffee, give the kids some sedatives, kick the dog (sorry Ang) and let's have one of those 1980's sitcom dream sequences when we walk down memory lane (and turn on the fog
Product # 1 - You know what's really heavy? Eyeglasses. You know what's light as a feather? A jumbo magnifying glass that hangs from your neck and is the size of a bathroom window. Really? This makes it easier for you to read then just putting on a pair of eyeglasses? No joke, that's my computer screen hanging from this skanks neck. My thoughts? If your eyesight gets this bad just go for an eye transplant. I'm sure Harriet sells an "eye transplant" contraption. Perhaps just go for those "books on tape" because you look a little ridiculous. I mean, I'm not sure if a book called "Mom's" will be on audio tape, but it's worth a shot. If all else fails you should literally try playing the piano and/or harmonica. What? It worked for both Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles. You never know. I'd try it. P.S, nice purple wall. Do they film 80's porn in that room when you're not sitting there? Thanks Harriet for being a literal pain in the neck. Sidenote, that was the cleanest joke I ever told and, perhaps, the worst.
Product # 2 - No joke, this might actually be "Failure Model Chicks" mother modeling this cat t-shirt. If so, this lady's new nickname shall be "Madre de Failure Model Chica." What a wonderful shirt and look how happy "Madre de Failure Model Chica" is to model it. It says, "Cats are Proof that God Loves Us and Wants Us to Be Happy!" Yeah, no it actually doesn't. The t-shirt should say something catchy like this: "Cats are Proof that God Has Pitty For You Because You Are All Alone and Is Hoping That You Get So Desperate That You Actually Start Thinking The Cats Are Talking to You. In Fact, God Thinks It's Funny That You Have So Many Cats That He Has Instructed Harriet Carter to Create and Sell a T-Shirt That Will Force People To Make Fun of You on a Daily Basis." That all rhymed, right? As a side note, cats are also proof that the hair that was in the brownies you made and brought to work from someones surprise baby shower actually was not your hair, but your cats filthy lice infested hair that accidentally got into the bowl when you allowed "Whiskers" to lick the egg beater.

Product # 2 - Have you been burglarized by cartoon characters? Well if so, now Harriet Carter has found the BEST place for you to hide your valuable possessions where no burglar would ever think to an oversized plastic book that says "ATLAS" on it. Seriously, who even owns an Atlas anymore? Now make sure you place that Atlas in between your other 1955 encyclopedia's because no burglar will ever think to look there. Wow, and look what valuable possessions they're hiding in that Atlas. Hmmm, let's see. Looks like they're hiding a couple of $20.00 bills, some gold costume jewelry, and a stick in a bag. Yeah, don't let the burglars find that pot of gold you have hiding up on the shelf! As soon as I get Harriet Carters home address I'm taking a trip and I'm finding that Atlas.

Product # 1 - You wanna fight with your little brother all the time you little bitch? Good, well then you know where little bitches eat dinner? In the living room all by themselves. Bratty little bitches don't eat "good person" dinner either. You know what little skanky pain-in-the-ass bitches eat for dinner? Yup, you guessed it. They eat popcorn and they drink juice, apparently out of a bag. You may think this is a reward you troublemaker, but we'll get the last laugh. You'll rot out your little bitchy teeth and then will be left toothless. So...still wanna fight with your brother? Oh, you do? Well then good. Be a big bitch in the living room. Alone. And good luck with the monsters that live under the couch. Yes, I know I told you they didn't exist, but they do. And you know what monsters like? Correct! Little bitchy douche-bag pain in the ass troublemakers who eat popcorn and drink juice out of a bag. P.S. You're adopted and your mother used to be a man. Best wishes in therapy.

Product # 4 - Um, did Jesus just win a People's Choice Award? That's what it looks like to me. I understand that Jesus is everywhere, but what movie or TV show was he in recently? I didn't even get to vote. Oh, I bet he was in that God damn (sorry) Ugly Betty. The one show I don't watch. Regardless, congratulations Jesus! Don't forget to thank yourself as you accept this award.

Product # 4 - Do you have a lot of squirrels and birds around your tree really bugging everyone? I hear ya! Well now you can scare away God's creatures thanks to this handy and, might I add, very life-like plastic owl that hangs from the tree and says "Hoot! Hoot!" every time these animals are in the area. Wow and the eyes even glow in the dark...just like real life owls? I bet squirrels and birds wished they had fingers so that they could give the middle finger to not only the owl, but to Harriet as well. Hoot! Hoot! Really? Does an owl even say "Hoot?" I think they say "hooooo" or "whoooooo." Everybody knows that owls can't pronounce their "t's." Duh.

Product # 1 - Now where did this little gem come from? Not the product...the girl. I guarantee this is Harriet's grand-daughter. I don't know how she snuck by me all these months. In case you can't tell, the product is a "lip gloss crown." Pretty. I believe each of those colors are perfect for the everyday streetwalker and $2.00 whore (yes there is a difference). What a great way to really slut up your little girl by letting her skank up her lips with such wonderful colors. Purple means "I go to first base." Green means, "I go to second base." Yellow means, "I missed my period." Dark pink means, "The baby is not yours, but the STD is." And what in the hell is wrong with this girls face? Is she putting on lipstick or acid? Seriously it looks like it's burning her lips. Can she put any of that lip stuff on the rest of her face? You know, to hide the ugly and all. Yeah that's right. I just attacked a little girl and I'll do it again. Oh, and I mean made fun of her...not like anything perverted. Anyway, thanks Harriet for making all little girls into strippers, porn stars, and street walking whores.

Product # 4 - We couldn't complete a week of Harriet Carter product recaps without something that is officially white-trash. Well, I think these lawn sheep will do it. Yes, lawn sheep. Actually they may be lawn lambs. I don't discriminate. Anyway, I guess this is supposed to trick the neighbors into thinking that sheep are actually grazing on your lawn. Why that is tricky Harriet! Why are half of the Harriet Carter products supposed to trick people or make people laugh? Why can't you just have a lawn. Just a lawn. That's it. No funny things happening to your lawn. No animals in your lawn. No fake mushrooms growing out of your lawn. No clay dog statues sitting on your lawn. Just a lawn. That's it. Also, why is the black sheep all by itself. Is Harriet racist? I believe she is. I believe she's the one who set up this display. Yeah, nice subliminal messaging Harriet. As a side note, that lawn in the picture couldn't look any more fake. And why is the sky right there. Are these sheep flying? They could have at least put a fence there or something, but just the sky? Dumb. Thanks Harriet Carter you racist lamb-loving whore!

Product # 2 - Um, what's going on in your chest area that you need this type of clothing contraption? Well if you sweat like a whore in church, boy does Harriet have the bra for you! This bra comes with netting for your "lady areas" and then it apparently has ears or something because it also pads under your arm. It's almost like it gives your boobs wings. I mean, and who doesn't want to see flying boobs? Let's face it, this is a million dollar idea. Oh and by "million dollar idea" I actually mean "whoever invented it should get the electric chair." Seriously if you're sweating that much go see a doctor. And why is that lady grabbing her stomach? She's trying to look all sexy. Yeah, nice try looking all hot with that thing on. I'd love to see the expression on the face of the person who you undress for. I bet Harriet totally wears one of those. Only since she is much older and things tend to "fall" a bit I bet she uses those underarm pads as pants pockets. Wow. Bad mental image.

Product # 1 - As we all know by now, Harriet Carter loves death. She loves it. Now you can buy your very own death stone for a loved one and let them know that there was a chance you could have saved them from dying, but you didn't. The stone literally says, "If Love Could Have Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever." Huh? I don't even know what that means. So could loved have saved the person or not? Yeah, tell that to your poor Nana that died. Nana didn't need "love" to save her, she actually needed medical attention. She probably needed an ambulance, but you just let her stay on the ground as you tried to bring her back to life by "loving" her. Nice move. Nana's dead because of you Harriet Carter. Oh, and Harriet? I love you.

Product # 3 - Live in a dangerous neighborhood? Want to stay protected fro burglars? Are you stupid and cheap? Well does Harriet have a product for you! Now you can purchase this fake deadbolt. Yes, fake. It's actually a self-stick fake deadbolt. Yes, self-stick. The description literally says, "Imitation deadbolt fools intruders into thinking they have no shot at breaking into your home." Uh, really? Are these blind cartoon burglars? Burglars usually have guns with them, no? Yeah, they're probably going to be able to shoot that "imitation deadbolt" off the door. Oh, and it they don't have a gun they could easily tear that deadbolt off the door. If they don't have hands, they could wait for a light breeze to blow that deadbolt off the door. Do they really have "no shot" at breaking into your home? Do burglars usually go up to a house and say, "Oh crap it's locked. Oh well, off to the next house!" I hope Harriet has this on her house. If only I had her address...

Product # 1 - This spring/summer Harriet has found more comforting words to share with you as you mourn the loss of your loved one. Let's see what this one says. "God Saw Her Getting Tired, a Cure Not Meant to Be, so He Put His Arms Around Her and Whispered, 'Come With Me.'" Uhhhh, yeah that is horrific. Look, God is busy, really busy. I'm not sure He has the time to spend in the science lab discovering cures for diseases, but I am positive that He would never say that. Oh, and I doubt God speaks in rhymes. Why is Harriet so morbid? I'm waiting for the "accident ornament." I suspect it will say something like, "Ouch I Bet That Tree Really Hurt Especially When Your Body Flew into the Dirt. I Know, I Know You May Beg and Beg, But I Am Your Doctor and Must Cut Off Your Leg." See? I totally need to be in the Harriet Carter crapalog. Thanks Harriet for making death so hot this summer!

Product # 4 - Ahhhh, I heart "As Seen on TV." I can't blame Harriet for this one alone, but since she does sell it she is fair game. Introducing "Urine Gone!" As the label says, "For pet or people accidents." All you need to do is spray this on the urine stain and it will disappear. Seriously, if you have this problem in your house please don't EVER invite me to your house. Ever. I know exactly the kind of person you are. You're the type that has 5 cats, makes brownies and brings them into work. As I take my first bite you tell me how you let your car lick the egg-beater. Your cat is disgusting and you are even more gross. I bet your house is soaked in urine. And "people accidents?" What's going on in your home that you have human urine stains all throughout the house. Did you know you have a toilet? Just use that. No stains. This makes me so insane. I almost want to lurk in a Walgreen's, wait for someone to purchase this product, follow them to their home, and call the board of health and have their house boarded up. Oh, and thanks for the "black-light" Harriet! Let's realllly expose those urine stains. You are a filthy, filthy woman.

Product # 1 - Ring Ring! I'm sorry, I mean Fart Fart! Have you ever thought that the phone was just a little too boring? I guess it is. All my phone does is just "ring." I wish my phone had sound effects. What is this you say? There is a phone out there that has sound effects? Brilliant! Harriet Carter is selling a phone (for $12.99) that has built in sound effects so that if you're talking to someone and are looking for an excuse get off the phone all you need to do is press one of the following sound effects: Screaming, crying, siren, crash, bark, rat-a-tat, burp, or fart. This actually isn't a joke. The phone really makes these noises.Seriously? So in the middle of the conversation you're supposed to press the "crash" button and say, "I'm sorry I have to hang up. A car just crashed in my kitchen." Or better yet, press "burp" and then say, "I'm sorry I have to call you back, I just burped." Really? And what the hell is "rat-a-tat?" What kind of excuse is that? "Hey Rose? Yeah, I'm gonna need to give you a call back. Yeah, I have an emergency. You didn't just hear the 'rat-a-tat'? Yeah there's a rat-a-tat I need to deal with." Rat-a-tat? I would replace that with a "jihad" button. That way you could easily say, "Yup, lemme call you back. Someone just declared jihad in my living room. Ok, ba-bye." Thanks Harriet for reinventing the phone.

Product # 2 - Is it a hat? Is it a scarf? Or is is a Scat? Maybe it's a Harf? Either way one thing is for sure. When you put on this hat/scarf combo you are going to look like hot sex walking down the street! I know, sometimes it is waaaay to tricky to wear both a hat and a scarf. Sometimes you accidentally put the hat around your neck and the scarf on your head. Well you won't be making those mistakes anymore thanks to Harriet Carter! Oh, and again with those friggin backgrounds. Why is she all bundled up like that? It actually looks really nice out, warm even. Is it just me or does the material of that "Harf" make you think that if she was smoking a cigarette that entire thing would go up in flames in under 3 seconds? It also looks itchy as hell and it looks like it smells like a musty basement. I hope it gives that bitch a rash. That'll teach her. I have an idea. Spend the extra $39.99 and get a scarf....and...wait for it, wait for it......a hat. I know, insane right?

Product # 4 - Hi there pretty! Have you ever wanted to capture the exact moment that your daughter turned into a butch lesbian? Well, now you can with this kick-ass picture puzzle. Seriously, what's up with the "Harriet Carter kids?" This puzzle would have sold more if they used a stick figure instead of this little shit. And I thought it was Harriet Carter Wednesday not Ash Wednesday? Why does this little girl have ashes on her forehead? Cut her mullet, take a weed-whacker to her eyebrows, and toss her in the tanning booth for 7 minutes. Then take her picture. This picture makes me not want kids. If someone ever gave me this puzzle with this girl on it I would never put it together...EVER. Well, maybe I would put the blue background together and the yellow sweater, but that's it. As soon as I got to her hair or nose I would take the entire puzzle apart and toss it in the trash. Bet you never thought 6th grade would be this bad, did ya?

Product # 1 - Who wants to make disgusting pizza! I do! I do! Harriet Carter provides the absolute freshest ingredients such as pizza sauce (ketchup and water), pizza crust mix (sawdust), and my personal favorite..cheese - which (if you look very closely) either looks like it's all moldy or it's just shredded green paper. Mmmmmmmm it smells so good! Now, look at that little bitch of a terror who's making that pizza. Yeah, I don't trust her for a second. She actually looks like she'd be a friggin animal in the kitchen. In between stabbing her brother with scissors, slapping her mother in the face, and performing a high-pitched scream she can toss that pizza mess in the oven. Toss her in after the pizza. She is clearly declaring "jihad" on the kitchen in her first photo. Seriously, if my kid ever made me a pizza with those shitty ingredients I'd drive them to New York, open the car door, give them a bit of a push, toss $20.00 at them and then drive back home. Adios kid! Maybe you can become a pizza chef in the "big city?" P.S Watch out for the rats. Love Always, Dad.

Product # 2 - Hey ladies are you tired of telling your husband that you aren't in the mood for sex over and over again? Well, don't lose sleep another nights sleep pushing off his advances, just simply strap on this "cotton-padded cock-block" and drift off to sleep. If your husband tries to get his "business" anywhere near you, he'll just "bump" into this contraption that's hooked to your knees? Yup, I just looked again, it's hooked around her knees. However, husbands, don't think this is the kiss of death just yet. She may be sleeping, but that doesn't mean you can write her a note on that thing. Perhaps book an appointment on that cotton cock-block for the following night? It's time to literally think outside of the box (yes I just made myself laugh with that one).

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Harriet Carter: Best of 2007!

Monday, December 24, 2007

Who Says "Merry" Anymore?

Ah, Christmas is in the air. It's a time when we give thanks for Lewis and Clark discovering the Colorado Rockies and celebrating by inventing the phone so that they could call up the Wright Brothers and create the first airplane so that they could give it as a gift to Amelia Earhart in return for the Statue of Liberty. Hmmm, at least I think that's what Christmas is all about.

Anyway, IBBB will be partaking in Christmas (legal) festivities, but will be back to blog in the unlikely event that Britney kills herself, someone else, and/or her career, etc. Have a great Christmas everyone and/or whatever holiday you celebrate that somehow incorporates the Statue of Liberty and the invention of the telephone. Feliz Arriba!
Hills Bless,

Friday, December 21, 2007

Does Beyonce's Charity Work Include Reuniting Destiny's Child?

As a wise song once said, "You can say no, no, no, no, no, when it's really yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." Well I want to hear more brilliant lyrics like that and I know the world does too and by "world" I mean a couple of my friends. Kelly Rowland, one of the singers that didn't get fired from the group Destiny's Child, is hinting around that she wants the group to get back together. In other words, she needs a little extra cash. And who can blame her. When asked about the Spice Girls reunion tour, Kelly babbled on saying:

"This current spate of reunions has given us ideas. Despite what people say we are all still really close. A couple of weeks ago Beyonce did a show in Los Angeles and asked me and Michelle (Williams) to join her on stage for Survivor. It was a real tearjerker. The fans were crying and going nuts. I'd definitely like us to do more stuff like that. As ever, Beyonce and I will spend Christmas Day together. It will be a real family affair.

Yes, Kelly, you will be joining Beyonce for Christmas Day, but I would double check your plans because I believe that Beyonce has hired you for service. Probably clean up and food prep. Eh, it's not that bad. At least you'll get to work in a mansion and rub elbows and mustaches with Tina Knowles.

I'll be waiting for the announcement of a Destiny's Child reunion. In honor of that I will play "Say My Name, Say My Name" on repeat in my CD player and will sing "Bootylicious" to every fatass that I see on the street. You're welcome Kelly, you're welcome.

Who Claims This!?

Blair Warner Tells Jamie Lynn, "Good"

You know, when I think about this mess that Jamie Lynn has gotten herself into I immediately thought, "Now what would Lisa Welchel, who played Blair Warner on The Facts of Life, do?" I shall abbreviate this as "NWWLWWPBWOTFOLD?" It's simple, easy to remember, and contains a lot of "W's" and that's always a good thing.

Anyway, Lisa Welchel came out from the ash to talk with the folks over at Good Morning America and here's what she had to say:

"I'm very passionate about wanting to speak out on behalf of this young girl. She is a role model, but it's not her responsibility to be a role model. That's so much pressure on a 16-year-old. I'm so proud of her for stepping up and being courageous and taking responsibility for her choices, and I believe she's being a good role model — a good role model in that situation, to choose to have the baby, and...I am supportive of her in that situation. Because we are doing the best we can as moms. We really are. I know that she's doing the best she can as a mom as well."

Well said Lisa Welchel, washed up teen actress from the early 80's, well said! I don't know why she's taking this stance though. Perhaps it's because Mrs. Garrett used to run around Langly trying to impregnant the girls with a turkey baster. This, I believe, is why they ended up bringing in Beverly Ann to replace Mrs Garrett and the same reason why Tootie was only allowed to be on camera if she was on roller skates. I believe this lead to Tootie's breast issue. I, of course, have no idea what any of that means but any time I can relive early 80's sitcom useless facts then I know I'm really having a good day.

In conclusion, Jamie Lynn Spears, Lisa and IBBB would like to leave you with this advice; "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life. There's a time you gotta go and show, you're growin' now you know about the facts of life, the facts of life. When the world never seems to be livin' up to your dreams and suddenly you're finding out the facts of life are all about you, you. It takes a lot to get 'em right when you're learning the facts of life (learning the facts of life), learning the facts of liiiiiiiiiiiiiife."

Blair Warner Tells Jamie Lynn, "Good"

Ashley Tisdale's Nose: Part 2

Ashley Tisdale was continuing the tour of her new nose as she appeared at the Starlight Starbright Children's Foundation Winter Wonderland event in LA. I'm confused by this. Isn't her new nose supposed to make her look better? I'm not saying she doesn't look good. Yeah, no actually I am. Maybe she needs to slut is up a bit in order to take notice away from her drastic new look. Perhaps she should "go straight to skank," as I have recommended others to do in the past. Ashley is definitely suffering from Jennifer Grey Syndrome, where she looks like a completely different person. Maybe the swelling and stuff will go down? Maybe she can ask them to just put everything back to the way it was before? Either way she should show a little boob action in order to shift focus. Hmmm, I should help manage celebrities. I have the best ideas.

Ashley Tisdale's Nose: Part 2

Thursday, December 20, 2007

...In Other News...

Newport Harbor Recap: Chrissy and Clay Break Up. Also, No One Watches This Show, But Me.

It's time for another episode of Douche Bag Creek. I don't know what my problem is, but I'm still having a hard time remembering everyones name and figuring out which one is Clay and which one is Chase. Regardless, here's how this episode, "Caught in the Act" when down:
  • Was Sasha always in the opening credits? I think in two seasons she's had about 3 lines. Sasha is like "Judy" the little sister from "Family Matters." It's only a matter of time before she runs up the stairs and we never see her again.
  • It's good to see that 265 years after I graduated college the "kids" are still playing Hackey Sack on the Quad.
  • Chrissy and her sad excuse for sorority sisters seem embarrassed as they talk about the status between Clay and Chrissy. I, too, am embarrassed for them....and myself at this point.
  • Wait a minute. Chrissy is a first semester freshman, right? Technically these are episodes that were taped in October/November because she hasn't been home for Thanksgiving yet, right? How in the hell is she already in a sorority? Don't you have to pledge for like the entire semester before you officially get in to the sorority? How is she already in it in like 2 months? Something smells fishy and I'm not just talking about Samantha.
  • Speaking of Samantha, this conversation between her and Chase on the pier is probably the most pointless conversation to take place in the 2 seasons.
  • Remember Chase's mom from last season? Didn't she look like she was in porn? Those were the good old days.
  • Why is Samantha asking Chase like 50 questions? Can her sunglasses cover more of her face please? Thanks.
  • Sweet, here comes Brody Jr. Jenner. The conversation between him and Chrissy seems like they had to rehearse it about 10 times. I bet they did. Before every sentence they said, "um" and their voices went up at the end. I hate me.
  • Why the hell is Chase planning on moving to Santa Barbara? This is stupid. He looks like a tool on national television and in front of the 4 people who actually watch this show.
  • Awesome, we get to see Chrissy in her 200 sq foot dorm room. Compared to the mansion she grew up in do you think the dorm is like prison for Chrissy? Don't drop the soap. Oh wait, drop the soap.
  • Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are driving to Santa Barbara in what appears to be the same car that the bad guys in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" drove in. Bonus points if you remember that.
  • Chrissy is trashed at the party. Thank God. Maybe this will get interesting. She can't really stand up and she is slurring the piss out of her words. This makes her more hot.
  • For some reason MTV is playing the entire "Gimme More" song by Britney Spears. They did the same thing on an episode of The Hills. Do they get money for that or something?
  • What's with the kid in the background dancing with a bottle of champagne? What college kid can afford and/or drink champagne? Me and my friends thought we were classy if we were drinking Coors Light, but we could never even afford it in the bottle. Only the can.
  • Chrissy sloppily makes out with Brody Jr Jenner at the exact moment that Clay shows up.
    Clay stays to watch that mess and then immediately leaves. Steve Sanders Jr immediately scriptedly asks him what the deal is and Clay says he guesses he's over it. That was quick. I guess the walk from the party to the front of the party house really gave him time to think things through and move on.
  • The next morning we find out that Steve Sanders Jr and Clay slept in Clay's car overlooking "Makeout Point." That's romantic.
  • Allie and Samantha get about 14 seconds of air time. They are riveting. Allie made things more interesting by wearing an army hat. Sam made things more interesting by holding a pink cell phone.
  • Clay and Chrissy meet at the beach and end their pitiful relationship. Clay peaces out and Chrissy's hair blows in the wind. The end. This sucks. I suck.

    Newpot Harbor Recap: The Break Up

The Hills: Heidi's Wedding is Canceled

US Weekly continues their victory tour of blowing all the members of The Hills and featuring each cast member on their cover. Heidi seems to get the most cover action, but I digress (And digest). I must say that I probably got 95 emails yesterday alerting me of the news that The Hills wedding between Heidi and Steve Sanders has been called off. Thanks to all of you for thinking of your friend at IBBB as soon as anything "Hills" related makes news.

Anyway, Heidi has told Us Weekly that she did, in fact, call of the wedding so that she could have more time to think. Although, don't start hi-fiving eachother yet, Hills fans, because Heidi and Steve Sanders are still together and living in sin. Heidi Montard said, "We're just going back to being boyfriend and girlfriend." Steve Sanders threw in his two cents by saying, "...when our relationship was flawless."

Steve Sanders did apologize though for being a complete douche bag and sucking at life by saying, "I need to accept the fact that Heidi wants her princess wedding and that she is the boss."
Um, Tony Danza is the boss, Steve. Who's the Boss will be back in a moment. Stick around.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Harriet Carter Ho Ho Holiday!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday and the Harriet Carter Christmas Bonanza 2007! Harriet really knows how to celebrate the holidays with not only selling us cheap crap Christmas decorations, but also suggests some real festive cheap crap gifts for our loved ones. Let's see what Harriet is selling us this week!

Product # 1 - Hey kids! Know what Santa just LOVES?? That's right...when you piss and shit right on his head! I know! Don't ever bother lifting the toilet seat because now you can spray your urine all over his face...just like you did at the mall that time. Santa knows then you are sleeping and knows when you're awake. Oh, he also knows when you've had one too many beers, ate a little too much Mexican, are having your period, or even binging and purging. Yes, my friends, Santa does know it all. Santa will love it when he risks his life by jumping down your chimney, almost gets food poisoning by your day old milk that's been sitting out all night, chokes on your carrots, drops off all your gifts and THEN sees the wonderful tribute you've left him in the bathroom. He'll feel really special that you equate Santa Claus with urine, crap, and other bodily fluids. Good luck getting gifts next year, stupid. Happy whoridays, Harriet!

Product # 2 - Done crapping on your Santa toilet? Good. Need to find the perfect gift for your white-trash friend? Are you white-trash too? Perfect. You're in luck. Now you can give the gift of stereotypical insults to your closest friend with this wooden decoration. It says, "A friend will bail you out of jail...A Redneck friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Dang that was fun." Wow. Really? You sure? Now if you're a true redneck you know that your friend won't be able to even read this (nor have teeth/teef). That is your first mistake. However, the "dang" really did it for me. You gotta love stereotypes that seem to still be ok to say. Although, they really could have taken this one step further. Perhaps, "A friend will bail you out of jail. A redneck friend will be sitting in jail for having sex with his sister and saying, "Dang that was fun." See what I did there? By simply pushing the white-trash envelope you've alienated an additional demographic of rednecks. I mean, it's simple marketing and economics (macro vs. micro) at this point. Feel free to come up with your own sayings too! Hey Harriet, you should give some Italian, Irish, or African American stereotypical sayings a whirl and see what happens. See you in court Harriet!

Product # 3 - Time to class up your house for the holidays. Let's face it, times are tough and wood is expensive. Well, now you cover your metal backyard table with this faux-wood finish and your friends will never be wiser. As soon as your company arrives they'll be saying, "Jill, is that a real wooden table I see there." You will of course lie and say "Sure is, Katie!" while you wink at your husband who is dripping with sweat and praying that no one cracks that code that this table is in fact not real wood. Imagine the embarrassment. I mean, God forbid. These two skanks playing cards are acting like they're the Queen of England, yet no one seems to be phased that there isn't a picture of anything hanging on the wall and they're sitting on metal folding chairs. Hmmm, no faux-wood finish for the chairs Harriet? Anyway, you know that the owner totally sprays that table with Lemon Pledge right before company arrives so she can fool them once and for all and never have to suffer the horrific embarrassment of not being able to afford real wood. Maybe if Jill's husband wasn't such an unsuccessful dirt bag he could afford to provide Jill with the finer things in life, such as wood, and Jill wouldn't be forced to bang the UPS guy. Just sayin....think about it, Jill's husband.

Product # 4 - The holidays mean one thing: Lots of photographs. Clearly Harriet is heavily marketing to the British audience as the last time I've actually seen an adult with teeth that bad was when watching Rocky Dennis in "Mask." Oh, that and 98.784% of the British population. British or not, if you're like this dude and have never broken the addicting habit of chewing on rocks on a daily basis you no longer have to smile and wonder if people notice that you still have all of your baby teeth. Now you can snap in your Harriet Carter snaptastic teeth and smile, smile, smile away. Please though, don't talk, chew, eat, sing, whistle, laugh, yell, burp, cough, sneeze, stick out your tongue, drink, gargle, blink, wink, run, walk fast, jump, and/or breath in heavily whilst wearing these snaptastic teeth because they are sure to come off. Basically here's what you do: Some says, "Oh let's take a picture in front of the Christmas tree!" You, of course, volunteer to take the picture as you don't want to be in it with your hideous and child scaring smile. Sadly, your guests won't take no for an answer so you run up to your bedroom and shatter the glass that these teeth are kept in and then quickly snap them in. Now, take that photo and please immediately return the teeth to their proper place. For future use, I recommend giving them one coat of "White Out" before storing them away for the next holiday party. Thanks Harriet! Saying "cheese" has never been so awkward!

Wanna Be MYSPACE Friends With the Matermind Behind Harriet Carter Wednesday's? Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB....You'll Probably Regret It!

Harriet Carter Ho Ho Holiday!

If you like Harriet Carter, maybe you'll also get a chuckle from IBBB's Jersey Shore Recap or Snooki updates. Maybe you'll fall in love with my little Kelly Cutrone or even some celebrity cameltoe. I mean, sky is the limit, clearly.

Father Michael Lohan Keepin' Busy

Michael Lohan, train-wreck father of Lindsay No Pants Lohan, has been keeping busy and sober lately. Typically, being sober makes people somewhat boring (i.e Lindsay), but Michael seems to like to really up the crazy factor by showing his love for the baby Jesus by taking part in the 2nd Annual Nativity right smack dab in the middle of Times Square. In case you need this cleared up, Michael Lohan is playing the role of Joseph. I'm sure the real Jesus is psyched by this the same way that I'm sure my dad would be honored if Ike Turner played the role of him. Anyway, if this was supposed to be a real Nativity scene will someone refresh my memory if Joseph wore shiny black leather gloves while his son, Jesus, was being born? Also, was the baby Jesus born with a black bullet proof vest? I've checked my Bible a few times, but couldn't seem to find this information in there. Someone Google, please.

No word if Dina was offered the part of Mary, the mother of God, but I assumed she would have turned it down in hopes of scoring the role of Mary Magdalene, the town whore (who was just misunderstood).

Who Shot This!?
Father Michael Lohan Keepin' Busy

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant & White Trash

If Britney completely loses her kids perhaps she call her kid sister to hook her up with some new ones, as Jamie Lynn Spears appears to be a baby making machine. Yes my friends, it has been confirmed that Jamie Lynn Spears is, in fact, pregnant. Did I mention that Jamie Lynn is 16 years old? Yes, she is. Ahhhh, I remember growing up and my sister turning 16. I believe she got her braces of that year. Little did we all know that she should have been celebrating perfectly straight teeth by getting herself knocked up.

A representative for Jamie Lynn "Spread 'Em" Spears has said, "We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well being."

If I could reach Jamie Lynn for comment I think her response would go something like this, "We're country ya'll. This is what we do. Don't you?" Then she'd spit out the hay she was chewing on and fire up two shotguns in the air while yelling "yee haw!"

Honestly, I don't even think I knew what my bits and pieces were for when I was 16. Clearly, Jamie Lynn (yee-haw) has been showing her boyfriend her gentlemen greeter. I mean I don't want to say anything, but it looks like Jamie Lynn just "one-up'd" you, Ali Lohan! Now get your ass out there and start dancing or something.

Anyway, I'm sure that Jamie Lynn will do the right thing, but I do just want to throw out there that my 8th grade nun did teach us kids how to perform an abortion by using a simple coat hanger and a Hoover vacuum. Sure that sounds horrific, but before you send me the hate mail, please note that our 8th grade nun really did tell us this....and then she said, "Ok kids, lunch." No joke. Amen.

Who Claims This!?!
Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant & White Trash

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

...In Other News...

Lindsay continues on her tour of same coat, same shirt, same sunglasses and same pants as she goes about her lady business in Beverly Hills after having some lunch with a friend at La Scala. I bet her tights stink like moldy buffalo wings. In other news...

~ Mel B Helps Kids ~ CelebritySmack
~ Amy Winehouse Plays the Arrest Game. She Lost. ~ AgentBedHead
~ Tara Reid a Hot Mess Again ~ NinjaDude
~ Get Your Own Celebrity Box ~ PopBytes
~ How Many Lemons Does Furtado Eat? ~ POTP
~ Adrianne Curry Shows Her Gift ~ FatBack
~ Michael Jackson Looks Grrrreat! ~ Yeeeah

Kristin Cavallari on "The Hills?"

Welcome to "The Hills Tuesday" where IBBB will be continuing on the legacy of The Hills until the script for next season is finalized and comes back into our pathetic lives. Please, you know you are psyched too that I'm doing this. Tip your 40 for The Hills Season 3.

Anyway, E! News is reporting that Laguna Beach cast member, Kristin Cavallari may be making an appearance or two on the next season of The Hills. This may actually be the best scripted decision that MTV makes for The Hills. Let's face it, while Kristin isn't as douchey as Heidi she is WAY hotter than Heidi will ever be and I believe that Kristin still has her original nose, chin, and boobs. Hell, if they're going to bring back Kristin, they might as well honor all of my wishes and bring back Cami too. And, what in the hell is Alex H up to? Toss her ugly ass back into The Hills ring again and let's see what happens. Actually, maybe eliminate Audrina and give Lisa Loveless more air time. Next, let's turn this into a reality game show where people are voted off each week while others are voted back in. It can be just like Paradise Hotel (the best reality show that ever aired....ever).

Hopefully this crap is true and Kristin will be back in our lives. If this isn't true and Heidi stays I hope she decides to go for one of those risky face transplants. If she needs someone to throw acid at her face in order to qualify for the surgery just let me know.

Who Claims This!?!
Kristin Cavallari on "The Hills?"

The Hills: Whitney Hates the "C" Word

Just because the craptasic Hills is over for the season, doesn't mean we can't still stalk our favorite scripted cast members. This time, I've done a little detective work and tracked down Whitney from The Hills to see what in the hell she's been up to. Apparently some interesting news is that her last name is Port. Port. Riveting. Anyway, Whitney was in NYC celebrating "Happy Day" with Clinique at Bloomingdale's recently. This consisted of her wearing orange, smiling, and writing stuff with a black Sharpee. Clearly the fame has gone to her head. While Whitney Port (Authority) was working the Clinique event she then took to the ice in Central Park and answered a few questions from the NY Metro newspaper. Apparently she has never read my award winning interview with Elodie from a few months ago, but these questions this dude asked were way worse then mine. Here's how it went down:

What is your favorite word?

What is your least favorite word?
Probably a bad word, but I can’t even say it. [Spells out] C-*-N-T.

What turns you on?
A sense of humor.

What turns you off?

What sound or noise do you love?

What sound or noise do you hate?
People chewing or crunching on food.

What it your favorite curse word?

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Maybe some sort of athlete. I was ice skating today, so maybe a figure skater.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Hopefully that I've been a decent person.

What? Nothing about The Olsen Sluts? Nothing about Kimmy Gibbler? Nothing about Heidi's nose/boobs/chin? This interview was a bust (pun intended).

The Hills: Whitney Hates the "C" Word
Who Claims This!?
Who Shot That Orange!?

The Hills: Brody Jenner and AA

In keeping up with The Hills even after it's over, is reporting that Brody Jenner was asked to leave an American Airlines flight after he (and some other douche-bag passengers) would not listen to flight attendants and turn off their electronic devices. I remember when I was little they even made me turn off my Game Boy. Let's just say Super Mario Brothers was never the same and I will no longer be flying PanAm Airlines, but enough about me.

According to representatives said that Brody and some others became verbally abusive towards the flight attendants and were removed from the plane by airport police. When someone later caught up with Brody who finally did make it to his destination (Chicago), Brody suggested that he will no longer be flying American Airlines again. Uh-oh, that must mean it's the end of American Airlines!

This story would have been better if it stated that Brody was heading off to Paris to meet up with Lauren and he was texting Steve Sanders. Geesh. These people are novices when it comes to promoting The Hills.

The Hills: Brody Jenner and AA

White Trash Whopper Fans

I thought I was done after the Tylenol commercial, that was until I saw the latest Burger King Whopper commercial. Have you seen this crap? Burger King plays their own version of Punk'd and installs hidden cameras and then tells their customers that they've discontinued the Whopper. My thought? Who in the holy hell would care? Oh, my friends, but I was wrong. I was wrong indeed. People care. White trash people seem to care the most. One lady is at the drive-thru window and declares to speak to their manager when she pulls up. Clearly she is irate about them taking the Whopper away. Next up, some homophobic dude says that if Burger King takes away the Whopper they should rename themselves Burger Queen. Yeah, that's nice. Another kid looks completely distraught that there is no more Whopper that he seems inconsolable. What's even better is that these people have then signed release forms to allow Burger King so show them in their national commercial. I'm sure their families are beaming with pride. Pull up a tin folding chair around the 19 inch black-and-white TV, Junior, because daddy's on TV! Yee-haw (with guns being shot up in the air).

I have an idea Burger King and "citizens of the world," why not take this as a cue that we may be addicted to this crap and start eating, oh I don't know, healthier? It's a crazy concept, I know. Maybe try cooking for your family. Chicken? Rice? Vegetables? Gasp! Just keep in mind that if your first reaction to fast food being removed from a menu is that of pure horror, disbelief, and wanting to escalate this matter to the supervisor who makes $8.50/hr then you may have some food dependency issues. Here's to obesity! Fatass.

White Trash Whopper Fans

Monday, December 17, 2007

...In Other News...

Tara Reid Trades Addictions

Seriously, Tara Reid is a genius. Tara was at the opening of "The Basement" in Australia and I won't say that she has an eating disorder of any kind, but I will say that bulimia is the new rehab and the old "knocked up un-wed celebrity mother." Tara Reid is brilliant because she's apparently taken the opportunity to steal some of Lindsay Lohan's boring thunder while she is all "clean and sober" and pays homage to all the girls of 2005/2006 that suffered from Lollipop Head Syndrome (LHS). Ahhhh 2005/2006 was such an innocent time when celebrities were only starving themselves and shoving Crest toothbrushes halfway down their throat. They were simpler times really. And, clearly, Tara Reid is trying to bring back 2005/2006 with all of the trucker hats that I guess people are still wearing in Australia?

I only have one thing to say to Tara Reid and her recent weight loss. "Want a Viper? Ya want some money? Like my boooooody? TrimSpa baby!" And we know how that shitshow turned out.

Tara Reid Trades Addictions

Ashley Tisdale's New Nose. Really??

Look, you know how I feel about anyone who is in High School Musical. I've never seen it and I don't understand it. However, now that The Hills is on a break and I can't comment on the new noses of Lo, Jenn Bunney, and Heidi I find my obsession with facial changes that don't look so great to grow. Ashley Tisdale showed off her spanking new nose at the Z100 Jingle Ball in NYC and I must'd go back for seconds if I were her. I love the people who say that are going in because they have a "deviated septum" and they don't want to really change the look of their face? Really? Yeah, no, I'd totally change it. When I become famous (for writing this blog?) I am getting a crapload of plastic surgery. I won't stop until I finally look like the guy who played the father in Alf. I feel that that's when all the doors will open up for me.

Anyway, Ashley told People Magazine, "I've known for years that I've had a deviated septum...I was so out of breath, I started hyperventilating...They were thinking it was a heart attack. The [tour] doctor got me an oxygen tank and I sat outside the stage and breathed in oxygen until I could catch my breath."

Do you really lose that much breath lip-syncing?

Source it Up!
Ashley Tisdale's New Nose. Really??

Dear Mr. Snowstorm

Dear Mr. Snowstorm,

Hey there how are you? Yeah, I'm ok thanks for asking. I'm a little aggravated, actually. What is it about your snow that makes people act retarded? No really, I'd like to know. Sure there's some white fluffy stuff, similar to cotton balls, falling from the sky but what is it about that that makes everyone drive like knives, fire, and newborn babties are falling from the sky? I was lucky enough to be driving behind a station wagon (apparently those still exist) and you would have thought this driver completely lost their steering wheel. I actually was hoping they were drunk and not driving this way because of the weather. This station wagon that somehow turned itself into a runaway train was all over the highway and they kept slamming on their breaks. Good move. I hear that when there is snow and ice on the ground nothing keeps your car in full control quite like slamming on the breaks. This was especially entertaining because there weren't any other cars in front of the "runaway train." On one occasion when I was forced to slam on my break and pray to my sweet Jesus not to have me go face first through the windshield, I got close enough to the said station wagon to notice that this car has traveled all the way from Idaho. That explains it. Thanks Idaho, your state is borderline pointless!

Moving on, I made it to my destination after watching about 10 other cars fishtail all over the highway and just needed to find a place to park. Simple, right? Yeah, no. Apparently when there's snow on the ground, especially in a parking lot, people forget where the parking lines are. Yup, I guess the lime green Volkswagen Beetle thinks its an 18-wheeler and parked in about 3 spaces. No joke, at one point I think the car was parked horizontally. I won't lie and say I didn't say a quick prayer that I would end up passing this car hours later and see it all ablaze and in a ditch on the side of the highway. Fingers crossed.

So in the end I found a place to park, called a cab to pick me up from my parking space, and even breezed by the freakshow ringing the bell and asking for spare change. Who carries around "spare change" anymore? Is this 1989? I didn't even know they made "change" anymore.

Perhaps though, my personal favorite, is sitting home and seeing constant coverage of the snow storm on the news. Oh and by "constant coverage" I really do mean "constant coverage." It is definitely important to interview that person who is heading off to the supermarket to get their last minute food because God forbid they can't stuff their fat faces with Twinkies and brownies for a full 24-hrs. They could possibly die from lack from junk food during a snowstorm.

Ahhhh Mr Snowstorm, you really bring out the best in me. You make me pray negative prayers and think negative thoughts, yet you somehow forced me to remember that both spare change and Idaho are two things that are still in existence. Thank you for reminding me. It's times like these that really make me yearn for the days of hearing that perfect stranger say to me, "Hot enough for ya?!"

Luke-Warm Regards,

Dear Mr. Snowstorm

Friday, December 14, 2007

...In Other News...

Operation SellOut continues to be paying off as I surprisingly find new ways to sellout. However, this time someone came to me to sellout. Hopefully you will be able to see how this panned out next week. I'll give you a hint, Harriet Carter better watch out because I'm coming for her next. Have a good week everyone and I'll see you next week. In other news...

~ Ashlee Simpson the New Yoko Ono? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Commercials in Your Brain? ~ AgentBedHead
~ Wait, Does Oprah "Like Like" Obama? ~ PopBytes
~ Megan Fox Continues to Show a Little ~ FatBack
~ Karolina Kurkova Shows a Little ~ NinjaDude
~ Tony Parker Text Messages ~ POTP
~ ANTM Yaya is Back. Yaya. NoNo. ~ EvilBeet
~ Someone Robbed the Piss Out of Paula ~ Yeeeah
~ Miss The Hills? Walk Down Memory Lane ~ JustinBobby

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Who Won America's Next Top Model 9?

Ahhhh it's the America's Next Top Model Season/Cycle 9 Season Finale. It's bitter sweet for me as that means that this is Jenny's last recap for a while. Since I am paying her 13 cents/hr maybe I'll see if she can recap another show now that ANTM is peacing out for a bit. Anyway, here's what Jenny thought took place on last nights ANTM Season Finale. Who won? Who cares?
  • The three finalists are hanging out to discuss which girls will be in the bottom two this week. Jenah's feet are dirty.
  • This week's challenge has the girls shooting a commercial and a print ad for who else, Covergirl. The winner gets to be in a national ad. Joy to the world.
  • Jaslene shows up and I want to abuse myself. Right now I wish I was deaf.
  • We are forced to watch the three finalists shoot a Covergirl commercial over and over and over....None of them are able to memorize the three lines and they all want to cry. I mean, it's just lip gloss. Nobody is asking you to split atoms.
  • One of the Chinese guest judges this week is Darren Duan. I looked quick and thought it said Duran Duran. Don't even TRY to pull the wool over my eyes like that Tyra. And keep Jaslene the hell away from me.
  • I wonder if Miss Jay would let me put him and his afro on my car antennae so I can find it when I come out of the mall?
  • Jenah is the first to get the boot, which means Saleisha and Chantal will be stomping their way down the runway in the final competition.
  • Why? Why is Jaslene in the runway show? And why is Tyra dressed like a drag Geisha? Sensory overload.
  • Tyra Banks gets a special introduction and is escorted down the runway by several Chinese dudes. She is walking so....S L O W. And she is looking everyone in the eye. She is probably thinking....If anyone has any reason as to why this marriage should not take place, speak now or forever hold your peace.
  • Highlight of the season...maybe even the series...
  • A Chinese dude on stilts slips on Chantal's train and falls like 10 feet to the ground. This couldn't have been any better than if it happened to Tyra herself.
  • Well, for those of you who are true fans, this moment must be like Christmas for you. Except instead of Santa, it's Tyra. And instead of a bag full of presents it's a fist full of photos....and instead of 8 tiny reindeer, it's Twiggy.
  • Saleisha wins! I am not sure how. The most important thing is that we will no longer see Jaslene's commercials.
  • See you next season. Maybe.

Who Won America's Next Top Model 9?

Newport Harbor/Douche Bag Creek is Back! Holiday Episodes! Ho-Ho-Hum?

Like a recovering meth addict, I can't quit cold turkey. The Hills may not even be cold in the scripted grave, but that doesn't mean that I can't catch up with the crew of Douche Bag Creek. Apparently it's the holidays and the sick son-of-a-bitches are back home visiting the creek. For me this is the ghetto version on The Hills, if that's even possible. I've asked Santa to have Cami from Laguna Beach make a guest appearance. Let's see if Santa is real. Here's how this episode, "Are We or Aren't We.....Douche Bags" went down:

  • Why is Chrissy talking to her new college friends/sorority sisters like they know nothing about her life. She's telling them for the first time who her friend Sasha is? Is she recapping them?
  • Who's this Billy kid? This should be good.
  • Wait a minute. Isn't Chrissy and her family obsessed with each other? Why are they asking her to tell them about college once she's home. Has she not talked to them since she left? Doubtful. P. S Chrissy's dad kinda looks like a diddler.
  • Clay is cooking dinner for Chrissy. I'm embarrassed for him.
  • Wait, why is Clay asking Chrissy how college is!? Has she talked to no one since she left? This is pissing me off.
  • Uh-oh. The awkward "where do we stand conversation." That must be worse with a camera crew around you. I don't believe for a second that Clay isn't banging his way through Newport a Creek....while Chrissy is away at college taking Intro to Keg Stands 101.
  • Do these guys use the same lighting as The Hills?
  • Oh Christ. Allie and Sam are back in full effect. Where did Allie's bangs go? Maybe she left them in Europe. These two are the worst. You know these two are the type that leave for college and pretend they are all over high-school, but in actuality they haven't changes a bit. I predict porn careers for the both of them.
  • No joke, I said it last season and I'll say it again. Grant is totally Steve Sanders Jr. I'm just waiting for Heidi to pop out of the house (chin and boobs first).
  • Chrissy's sorority friends arrive at her house. I'd watch your crap Chrissy because these two skanks are going to rob you blind. I know I would. Anything that isn't nailed now would be going down my pants and I'd be running out the front door.
  • Chrissy takes them on a tour of where Clay lives, where Clay works, and where Clay's mom owns a store. All riveting.
  • The sorority skanks keep talking about a surprise for Chrissy's party. I DOUBT the surprise is that kid Billy. No way. Oh wait, I checked the script. It is.
  • Sidenote, I love Chrissy's house. No I mean I'm in love with it. I want to have "the sex" with it.
  • So let me get something straight. Chase goes out with Chrissy's sorority friend that she set him up with, but her friends haven't met her best friend Sasha yet? Ohhhh I'd be pissed.
  • STOP THE PRESS. STOP I SAID STOP! So Billy shows up. I'm not kidding. Wait, I couldn't care less about that, but Billy seriously looks like a mini Brody Jenner. Look, I don't want to nickname everyone, but this kid for sure is now called Brody Jr Jenner.
  • Am I 150 yrs old? Brody Jr Jenner is wearing his hood in the house.
  • Actually, it must be a magic hood because it's on in one scene then off in the next and then on again...and then off....then on....then off.
  • Brody Jr Jenner is good with reading the script and they make out and Steve Sanders Jr sees is and like a little school girl called Clay on his cell phone. Oh the scripted drama.
  • Gross. Why would Chrissy's dad ask her if she kissed Brody Jr Jenner yet? What dad asks that. He's like, "Chrissy, sweetie, did he feel up your boobies and are you on your period?" Pervert. Go diddle the dog.

Was this crapisode like 10 minutes long with 20 minutes of commercials? Either way...see you next week.