Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Harriet Carter Ho Ho Holiday!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday and the Harriet Carter Christmas Bonanza 2007! Harriet really knows how to celebrate the holidays with not only selling us cheap crap Christmas decorations, but also suggests some real festive cheap crap gifts for our loved ones. Let's see what Harriet is selling us this week!

Product # 1 - Hey kids! Know what Santa just LOVES?? That's right...when you piss and shit right on his head! I know! Don't ever bother lifting the toilet seat because now you can spray your urine all over his face...just like you did at the mall that time. Santa knows then you are sleeping and knows when you're awake. Oh, he also knows when you've had one too many beers, ate a little too much Mexican, are having your period, or even binging and purging. Yes, my friends, Santa does know it all. Santa will love it when he risks his life by jumping down your chimney, almost gets food poisoning by your day old milk that's been sitting out all night, chokes on your carrots, drops off all your gifts and THEN sees the wonderful tribute you've left him in the bathroom. He'll feel really special that you equate Santa Claus with urine, crap, and other bodily fluids. Good luck getting gifts next year, stupid. Happy whoridays, Harriet!

Product # 2 - Done crapping on your Santa toilet? Good. Need to find the perfect gift for your white-trash friend? Are you white-trash too? Perfect. You're in luck. Now you can give the gift of stereotypical insults to your closest friend with this wooden decoration. It says, "A friend will bail you out of jail...A Redneck friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Dang that was fun." Wow. Really? You sure? Now if you're a true redneck you know that your friend won't be able to even read this (nor have teeth/teef). That is your first mistake. However, the "dang" really did it for me. You gotta love stereotypes that seem to still be ok to say. Although, they really could have taken this one step further. Perhaps, "A friend will bail you out of jail. A redneck friend will be sitting in jail for having sex with his sister and saying, "Dang that was fun." See what I did there? By simply pushing the white-trash envelope you've alienated an additional demographic of rednecks. I mean, it's simple marketing and economics (macro vs. micro) at this point. Feel free to come up with your own sayings too! Hey Harriet, you should give some Italian, Irish, or African American stereotypical sayings a whirl and see what happens. See you in court Harriet!

Product # 3 - Time to class up your house for the holidays. Let's face it, times are tough and wood is expensive. Well, now you cover your metal backyard table with this faux-wood finish and your friends will never be wiser. As soon as your company arrives they'll be saying, "Jill, is that a real wooden table I see there." You will of course lie and say "Sure is, Katie!" while you wink at your husband who is dripping with sweat and praying that no one cracks that code that this table is in fact not real wood. Imagine the embarrassment. I mean, God forbid. These two skanks playing cards are acting like they're the Queen of England, yet no one seems to be phased that there isn't a picture of anything hanging on the wall and they're sitting on metal folding chairs. Hmmm, no faux-wood finish for the chairs Harriet? Anyway, you know that the owner totally sprays that table with Lemon Pledge right before company arrives so she can fool them once and for all and never have to suffer the horrific embarrassment of not being able to afford real wood. Maybe if Jill's husband wasn't such an unsuccessful dirt bag he could afford to provide Jill with the finer things in life, such as wood, and Jill wouldn't be forced to bang the UPS guy. Just sayin....think about it, Jill's husband.

Product # 4 - The holidays mean one thing: Lots of photographs. Clearly Harriet is heavily marketing to the British audience as the last time I've actually seen an adult with teeth that bad was when watching Rocky Dennis in "Mask." Oh, that and 98.784% of the British population. British or not, if you're like this dude and have never broken the addicting habit of chewing on rocks on a daily basis you no longer have to smile and wonder if people notice that you still have all of your baby teeth. Now you can snap in your Harriet Carter snaptastic teeth and smile, smile, smile away. Please though, don't talk, chew, eat, sing, whistle, laugh, yell, burp, cough, sneeze, stick out your tongue, drink, gargle, blink, wink, run, walk fast, jump, and/or breath in heavily whilst wearing these snaptastic teeth because they are sure to come off. Basically here's what you do: Some says, "Oh let's take a picture in front of the Christmas tree!" You, of course, volunteer to take the picture as you don't want to be in it with your hideous and child scaring smile. Sadly, your guests won't take no for an answer so you run up to your bedroom and shatter the glass that these teeth are kept in and then quickly snap them in. Now, take that photo and please immediately return the teeth to their proper place. For future use, I recommend giving them one coat of "White Out" before storing them away for the next holiday party. Thanks Harriet! Saying "cheese" has never been so awkward!

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Harriet Carter Ho Ho Holiday!

If you like Harriet Carter, maybe you'll also get a chuckle from IBBB's Jersey Shore Recap or Snooki updates. Maybe you'll fall in love with my little Kelly Cutrone or even some celebrity cameltoe. I mean, sky is the limit, clearly.


Anonymous said...

Hmm... it seems to me like all those "presents" are appropriate for your least favorite white trash friend. Am I wrong?

Stacey Charter said...

Stellar as always! The teeth... My God the teeth... Just what in tarnation are they doing on there (buy 2 pairs for the Spears boys will ya)