Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Hills: Lauren's Halloween Party

It's a spooktacular episode of The Hills when Lauren and Audrina are having a ghostly Halloween party. I'm officially done with the bad Halloween jokes. Anyway, with only one episode left of the season what will happen to Heidi and Steve Sanders? If they break up who will keep Heidi's chin? How many times will Whitney be able to answer a question by repeating the question? Will Sandy Sanders implode? Will Lo make a last minute useless appearance? Will Lisa Loveless be revealed as a robot or perhaps a fembot? Is Audrina responsible for global warming? All this and less, much much less, will be answered on this craptastic episode of The Hills (please note: these questions will not be answered). Here's what went down on this episode, "Once a Player..." of The Hills:

  • So apparently Lauren's eye colors (yes colors) are the same as my middle school colors: Blue and yellow. Lauren tells Brody that her eyes are blue with yellow in the middle. Huh? Uh, my eyes are blue with green stripes and red dotted lines around the pupil.

  • When Whitney and Lauren are talking in work Whitney spends the beginning of the conversation by only providing short-sounds as responses such as "woo-hoo," and "mmmm," followed by the occasional "hmmm mmmm" and "ooooooo." Looks like someone is affected by the writers strike after all.

  • What's with these people using the word "action" after certain statements? We all remember Heidi saying, "Maybe they're back in the movie making action." Now Whitney asks Lauren is she and Brody are going to "do some couple costume action." Kill yourself. Actually, kill me first.

  • Sandy Sanders is over at the set of Heidi's apartment and listening to Heidi talk about her pre-wedding jitters. The conversation is pointless, yet I'm noticing how much larger Sandy Sanders is compared to Heidi. Her head is f'n huge. Heidi looks like a little pinhead compared to Sandy Sanders. Ho-ho-ho Green Giant!

  • Thank Christ! The Halloween party. Apparently Audrina is dressed up as Madonna, but is wearing a Dolly Parton wig. Awww cute, even her teeth dressed up as glow in the dark Chicklets....I guess.

  • I believe Lauren is dressed up as....errr....uhhh.....a Chinese Gothic Betty Boop flapper? Either that or she's Margaret Cho. I can't seem to figure it out. Regardless, Lauren should never have her hair short and/or black.

  • Brody and Frankie are dressed as Batman and Robin and Whitney (who already seems trashed) says they look more like Sigfried and Roy. She cracks up at her own joke and I admire her for that. Good one Whitney. Also, great lady bug costume Whitney. My 1 year old niece was a lady bug for Halloween too. Thanks for whoring up her costume, trash.

  • Hahah seriously, Whitney looks trashed. Awesome.

  • Oh my God. For all that is pure and holy in this world! Audrina has a sister, Casey, who is at the party! They have the SAME teeth! Either that or she's dressed up as Audrina and her teeth. They need to file those things down a few inches. They look like to drunk beavers. Ha, beavers.

  • Jenn Bunney is retarded.

  • Audrina's new boyfriend, Cory, is from Australia and Brody seems psyched about that.

  • Did anyone notice that when Lauren hugged Brody goodbye he looked down at his Batman tights and said, "whoa, I'm getting a little excited." Way to smut it up, MTV.

  • While there were no other races at the Halloween party, when Steve Sanders and Sandy Sander (the Sanders) went to pick up the "Heidi Montag Save the Date" cards at the store that had a sign in the window that said "Free Free Paper" the lady working the desk was Asian! Ding ding ding! Looks like The Hills filled their "other race" quota for the day. This lady is brilliant too. After Steve Sanders says he's there to pick up the cards she smiles and says "you're getting married." Brilliant. Now strap a camera around your neck and go crash your car into something. There, I said it.

  • Sandy lets the scripted cat of the scripted bag and tells Steve that Heidi may not want to get married at all. Steve decides not to pick up the save the date cards, that probably weren't ordered anyway, and leaves the store. Oh no, don't tell me these two won't be getting married.

  • Was it weird that Steve Sanders checked out his sisters ass as she left the store? Perverts.

  • Lauren and Lo are out at dinner and I'm just glad that Lo is back. Seriously what's up with the lighting on The Hills? The lighting is going right up Lo's nose and she's looking kinda like a piglet. I can see so far up her nose that I think I actually can see where her old nose is hiding.

  • What's with Audrina's blue Mary Tyler Moore hat? I was waiting for her to throw it up in the air and freeze.

  • And cue Steve Sanders sitting on the couch and pretending to read a book. He's actually just flipping the pages. He may be confused that it's not a popup book.

  • I could recap this scene, but it's the same scene that we all saw 374 times in the commercial all week.

  • I will, however, comment on Steve Sanders mocking Heidi. He almost had it down to an exact impersonation, but he just need to push his chin out more.

  • Lauren and Brody are at a dumb and boring dinner and she goes through his cell phone. He has nicknames for the girls in his cell phone such as, "Wanna Bang," "Canada Whore," and "Blond Whore." You know those girls are watching right now and are so psyched it's them. Yup that's it.

This episode sucked. I may have to vote it the worst of the season. On next weeks season finale Whitney gets offered to go to Paris by Lisa Loveless, Heidi "says" she's going home to Colorado (probably to bang her horse), and Lauren and Brody try to figure out their scripted relationship. I can't believe the season ends next week. I'm f'd. What will I write about on Tuesday's?!?! Don't leave me!!!

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The Hills: Lauren's Halloween Party


Melissa said...

Sure Steve Sanders, Sure you're reading "Inside Delta Force". If someone sees him on the street, will you please quiz him about Delta Force? Id love to know what he retained from that book. You're not fooling anyone. We've all pulled the ol' open a book and make it look like you've read half of it stunt before.And lastly, one step forward and two steps back for Mr. Jenner. Its an odd sensation to think, “Wow-that-haircut-looks-100%-better-on-you-OMG-WTF-are-you-doing-with-that-rediculous-flat-billed-hat-to-the-back-on-your-head??” Seriously. Lets all play a game of Euchre on the back of Brody’s hat.

Marcy said...

I love how delusional Steve Sanders is. "That wasn't a fight" "Spencer, you left" "Uh, that's your opinion."

Um no asshat, it's not an opinion when it's actually a fact that happened. Does he have any understanding of the effects of his actions?

Mothers, this is why you don't want to spoil your children. JUST SAY NO TO MORE STEVE SANDERS!!!

Emily said...

I need to know why Brody was dressed like an urban farmer at dinner. I didn't think flannel+plaid existed in LA. I also didn't think it was possible for a shirt to button up that tightly.

GammaGirl said...

I love that Spencer was pretending to read "Inside Delta Force"! He looked so confused!

I don't even know where to start on the lameness that was LC and Brody's "date."
Brody: So -pause- whats up?
LC: blank stare

I can't handle this mediocrity today!

kiki12 said...

other oberservations:

#1-why the hell were they playing the "cyclone" song when aussie hunk asked audrina what she wanted to do after dinner?!? my guess:
She wanted to "move her body like a cyclone
And she makes me wanna do it all night long
Going hard when they turn the spotlights on
Because she moves her body like a cyclone
Just like a cyclone"

#2-do they have "call ahead food ordering" at restaraunts only in LA? cause the minute they sit down to eat, their food is in front of their face.

#3-i love how Steve Sanders just bails on the "save the date card" lady when she was backstage learning her lines for the next episode....RUDE!

#4-i love how Brody went all "Born in East LA" on us with that outfit he wore in the final scene.

Anonymous said...

I usually love your blogs, but today not so much. I am starting to wonder if you have been affected by the writers strike as that is the only come back you have had for about 3 weeks now even though these episodes were clearly written and taped long before the strike! This episode was crappy so was this weeks blog. Better luck next week!

Anonymous said...

I love your blog but I must defend Lauren. My eyes are exactly like hers. They are blue but right outside of the pupil, there is a yellow ring. It sometimes makes my eyes look more green. Anyway, it's possible to have blue with yellow eyes.

Pop Culture said...

Hmmm I don't buy it. You must provide me with a photo of your blue eyes with the yellow line around it. I will then send it to the FBI labs to get tested, as I believe that is what they are there for. Thanks, in advance, for your cooperation.

Remember, liars burn in hell.

ibbeckyb said...

So I guess Steve Sanders didn't leave the "apt" last night either after their "fight"? I guess going backstage doesn't technically count as leaving...

Brody's buzzcut: hot, Brody's Latino gangsta threads at dinner: odd, very odd.

Karma said...

Wait- you didn't say anything about that thing Audrina's date had on his lip. I couldn't stop staring at it and thinking it was a herpes scar. Am I the only one that noticed??

Jeannette said...

"And cue Steve Sanders sitting on the couch and pretending to read a book. He's actually just flipping the pages. He may be confused that it's not a popup book."

Shortest Post I've EVER written said...

Oh Cool!! I bet you didn't even notice, but Jeannette below just made you a "Prefect"in her post!!!! You know what that means, right?! Yep...you're now authorized to hand out punishment to fellow students in your British boarding school...gosh...what an honor...or should I say "honour" since that's how they spell it across the pond? Yeah I've wanted to be a prefect for ages, but it may only be because they talk about it in Harry Potter all the time. Whatever. Okay fine, so my cool-quotient isn't what we would call "stellar." I'm okay with it. Anywho...Congrats, Mr. I-Triple-B Prefect! One more accomplishment to add to your ever-growing list! Now, just don't go abusing that false authority of yours like a rent-a-cop at the mall!! I'll be watching! And by "watching" I mean I'll completely forget about this by the end of the week...nay...end of the day...it sure was fun WHILST it lasted, though! Wait...can prefects appoint other prefects??? If so, can I be a prefect too so that I can live out MY "make a wish foundation" Harry Potter dream? Pretty please?!?! Just thought I'd throw that out there....See ya bye....

Valerie said...

I am glad that I am not the only one that noticed Brody's "gangsta threads." I was expecting him to call Lauren his ruca or heina.

sewchic said...

Well geez...this episode was really kinda of boring. Although that thing about LC and Brody is going to drive me nuts! I hope the writers find time to get them together before the season ends.

Cudos to Audrina for keeping the distance from J-Bob. Cracked me up when ever Lauren commented on his "lack of" bathing! Regarding the newbie...I guess guys are guys despite what continent they are from. Audrina's date didn't waste any time letting her know what he wants from the relationship. Hope her white teeth aren't scratched from that "thing" on his lip. Ewwww....

Anywho...IBBB YOU MUST COME UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE TO WRITE ABOUT! I'm going to miss you! But no worries...I'll faithfully hang around to see what new ideas spew from that head of yours. FYI...the one on your shoulders! Later...

Marcy said...

kiki12- it's called editing. That probably also accounts for a lot of the awkward conversations had on the show-- you never know if the responses actually matched what was supposedly said right before, since the editors could have just spliced the whole thing together in any kind of order.

Anonymous said...

Good Lord - IBBB gets bashed for doing his best on a sub-par crapisode and "Sortest Post" teaches us all a lesson on how to take someones typo and make fun of it to new level of annoyance. We get it. She spelled perfect wrong. Lets move on.....

Yes! Thank you Karma - I totally forgot about the lip "thing" he had going on. I too, couldnt quite tag that as an accessory or a nasty herpes breakout. I still woulda made out with him...

Anonymous said...

With all the writers on strike, what will the actors perform?? YES!! The Hills finally gets is day in the sun as a scripted series!!! Below is proof!!.



Anonymous said...

wow, marcy you are so wise in the ways of reality television programming.

lame ass.

Taylor said...

ok, I finally watched the Hills, I did read this first though ( de rigueur ) I was VERY VERY disappointed in the total lack of screen time for Audrina II, her sister. WOW.

My boyfriend made the profound comment that Steve Sanders is dating his sister. Heidi and She Pratt do resemble each other. She Pratt is pretty hagged out, but hey,,, what can you do ?

sharon said...

jesus i wish you watched TILA TEQUILA!!!!!!!!!
id love to hear your thoughts on that show

Anonymous said...

I'm really pissed off that the clothes Lauren is selling are so frigging expensive, who does she think she is??? thought this would be a good place to get out my frustrations.. anyway....