~ Fake Anna Death Photos? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Blond Chick from Grey's Anatomy to Stay Put? ~ HollyScoop
~ Read Every Second of American Idol , Every Second ~ EvilBeet
~ Diddy Uses His Hands as Weapons of Mass Destruction ~ Yeeeah!
~ Poshtoria Has a New Combover ~ MollyGood
~ Mothers and Daughter Who Party Together Stay Together ~ GabSmash
~ Britney Wears Other Peoples Clothes ~ DListed
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Did Beyonce Catch Hepatitis?
Pam Anderson is such a trendsetter! Now it seems like all the celebrities are lining up for their dose of Hepatitis. There is a chance that Beyonce could have caught Hepatitis from the Sports Illustrated party on February 14th thanks to the catering from Wolfgang Puck's restaurant. A worker for Wolfgang was recently diagnosed with the disease and the health department is requesting that anyone who has eaten anything from this company between Feb 1st and Feb 20th to go an get their immune globulin show immediately.
So who was at this party? Well, Beyonce was there since she was on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (still psyched you got chosen for the cover, Beyonce?). Also Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend, Bar Rafaeli, was there and a ton of other swimsuit models. Luckily for most of them they, more than likely, ended the night by forcing themselves to throw up, which may have gotten rid of the Hep.
According to TMZ.com Beyonce's reps are looking into this matter. Somewhere right now Kelly Rolands and Michele Williams are hi-fiving and thanking Jesus that they were never as popular as Beyonce.
As a side note, I know that you can't catch Hepatitis. I'm not a doctor, but I pretend I am. Shhhh! Don't tell the patients at the hospital I work at! Also, my photoshop skills are almost award-winning. Almost.
Harriet Carter: If Harriet Calls Hang Up
Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! To me the Harriet Carter Crapalog is like a "Where's Waldo" book. You always notice something new each time you look at it. I have no idea how I've missed some of these gems! Let's go!Product # 1 - Ring Ring! I'm sorry, I mean Fart Fart! Have you ever thought that the phone was just a little too boring? I guess it is. All my phone does is just "ring." I wish my phone had sound effects. What is this you say? There is a phone out there that has sound effects? Brilliant! Harriet Carter is selling a phone (for $12.99) that has built in sound effects so that if you're talking to someone and are looking for an excuse get off the phone all you need to do is press one of the following sound effects: Screaming, crying, siren, crash, bark, rat-a-tat, burp, or fart. This actually isn't a joke. The phone really makes these noises.
Seriously? So in the middle of the conversation you're supposed to press the "crash" button and say, "I'm sorry I have to hang up. A car just crashed in my kitchen." Or better yet, press "burp" and then say, "I'm sorry I have to call you back, I just burped." Really? And what the hell is "rat-a-tat?" What kind of excuse is that? "Hey Rose? Yeah, I'm gonna need to give you a call back. Yeah, I have an emergency. You didn't just hear the 'rat-a-tat'? Yeah there's a rat-a-tat I need to deal with." Rat-a-tat? I would replace that with a "jihad" button. That way you could easily say, "Yup, lemme call you back. Someone just declared jihad in my living room. Ok, ba-bye." Thanks Harriet for reinventing the phone.
Product # 2 - Next time you're in a major car crash just whip out your trusty Harriet Carter Car Crash Kit. It comes equipped with a flashlight, camera, pen, and little booklet that has a picture of an intersection (no joke). So when the cops are using the jaws of life to cut your car in half and they're pulling you out of the car make sure you use your accident kit to fill out a proper report. Don't leave it up to the cops and the witnesses to fill out the report, you do it. Don't be so freakin' lazy. Oh "boo-hoo" your leg is broken and you have a mix of blood and windshield glass all over your face. Suck it up and take a picture of your own accident, selfish! No wonder why there are so many hit-and-runs out there. If I got into an accident and saw someone pull that out I would just drive away. Thanks Harriet for making car accidents a real hoot again!
Product # 3 - Harriet sells more crap for your bathroom than Home Depot. How much time does she possibly think you can spend in the bathroom? Now you can make people laugh while you're in the shower with this hysterical (insert sarcastic overtone here___) shower curtain! The "joke" it that the shower curtain has real "sexy cartoon bodies" with the head cut out. That's where you put your head! Get it? Funny right? So when someone walks into your bathroom they're gonna be tricked and think, "wow, who is that hot chick in a bikini?" Then, you stick your head through the hole and say "Surprise! It's me!" You guys will be laughing for hours/nano-seconds and your friend will feel so foolish for being tricked by a shower curtain. Oh Harriet you are so tricky! P.S I hope you are put to sleep one day.
God Bless Harriet Carter. I hope you enjoyed this segment of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It's been a real thrill for me. Real thrill.
Who Wants To See Some Rich Olsen Hole?
Wait, is this what "the kids" are doing these days? Ripping holes in their clothes? Is $2 dollar crack-whore really "in" these days? Damn, Whitney Houston was way ahead of her time. I actually miss the old cracked out Whitney. Ugh. Oh well, enough about me.Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen (I have no idea which Olsen this is) was spotted in Paris the other day rocking some ripped pantyhose (nylons?) and wearing roadkill, and sporting some hip-happening sunglasses circa 1982. Nice! That's right Olsen #2, let's see some of that hot bony kneecap. Yeah! Celebrity anorexic kneecap. Hot. I love when rich people look crazy. It makes me feel better about myself. Is that a bad thing? Anyway, this bring me to my next Olsen fact. Forbes has named the Olsen Sluts the #1 Hollywood "earners" under 21. The Olsen Skanks (yes, quick name change) raked in $40 million in 2006. I bet you didn't know that I made the list? Yup, I came in at #76,232,267. Yeah, kiss that Olsen whores! Woooo-hoooo I'm rich baby, yeah! Uncle Joey has nothin' on me!
So let me understand this. You made $40 million last year. Your nylons have rips in them. You look homeless. You are the type of rich celebrity that my sister thinks will burn in hell, strictly for just being that rich.
Who Said Rich!?
Bruce Willis Fancies The Prostitutes?
I mean who doesn't like a real filthy Hollywood prostitute whore, really? Allegedly A-listers Bruce Willis and Tommy Lasorda were really digging the services of a prostitute or two thanks to Hollywood madam Jody "Babydol" Gibson. When "Babydol" was arrested eight years ago, police took her little black book, but "blacked" out the names of her customers. Well, fast forward to 2007 and it looks like there is a tell all book about who some of these customers were. The names of those who allegedly allegedly allegedly (allegedly) used the services consist of the following:
Bruce Willis
Ben Affleck
Mark Walberg
Jim Belushi
Tommy Lasorda (Old Dodgers Mgr)
Steve Jones (Sex Pistols guitarest)
Don Simpson (dead film producer)
All of the above have denied the claims, except Steve Jones. Wow, what a waste of a Hollywood madam. Seriously, Tommy Lasorda? Eight years ago he was doing Slim Fast commercials, fatass.
Who Said That!?!
Posh is So Skinny Her Penis Can Hardly Breathe!
Ok, so there isn't really much to report on Poshtoria, but I've been waiting to use that title for like a month. Victory is finally mine! Ok, well there is a little Poshtoria news. Bratty singer, Lily Allen, is pissed at Posh. According to a Lily on BBC talk-show "This Week" she had said:"We are bombarded with fashion mags and gossip mags with rich pop stars and Victoria Beckhams with their new handbags and kids think that's the sort of life they should have."
Wow, that's a whole-lotta-sass-a-frass from one little girl. I won't have Lily Allen talk about my Poshtoria that way.....meaning...I won't allow her to say something like that unless she also says that Poshtoria is also making little girls think that they need to be that skinny. Come on Posh! I mean you're penis can't even breathe. Bonus point for me using that joke twice.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
...In Other News...
~ Paris Hilton Loves Paris Hilton? ~ CelebritySmack
~ What Random Disease Did Anna Nicole Have? ~ DListed
~ Jennifer Hudson Sasses ~ MollyGood
~ Michelle Pfeiffer Gets Her Airbrush On ~ PopBytes
~ Brandon Davis Loves Paula Abdul ~ Yeeeah!
~ Bobby Brown Mug Shot ~ NinjaDude
~ Nicole Kidman to Guest on Nip/Tuck. Hmmm, Fitting. ~ HollyScoop
~ Who Wants a Bald Britney Doll? ~ EvilBeet
~ Pitt Kids, Get Your Pitt Kids! ~ GabSmash
~ Why Athletes Hate the Media ~ ThatGuy
~ Ewan McGregor Freak Traffic Accident ~ GossipOrTruth
~ What Random Disease Did Anna Nicole Have? ~ DListed
~ Jennifer Hudson Sasses ~ MollyGood
~ Michelle Pfeiffer Gets Her Airbrush On ~ PopBytes
~ Brandon Davis Loves Paula Abdul ~ Yeeeah!
~ Bobby Brown Mug Shot ~ NinjaDude
~ Nicole Kidman to Guest on Nip/Tuck. Hmmm, Fitting. ~ HollyScoop
~ Who Wants a Bald Britney Doll? ~ EvilBeet
~ Pitt Kids, Get Your Pitt Kids! ~ GabSmash
~ Why Athletes Hate the Media ~ ThatGuy
~ Ewan McGregor Freak Traffic Accident ~ GossipOrTruth
Dick Cheney Almost Killed Overseas
Uh woooooo! Wooks wike someones hunting wabbit again! There was an apparent assassination attempt on Dick Cheney while he was overseas in Afghanistan just moments ago. A suicide bomber, on foot, blew himself up and killed and wounded over 24 people outside of a US military base in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney was completely unharmed and the Taliban claimed responsibility of this attack. Braggers. The Taliban also claims that Dick Cheney was the target or the attack. That's just like the Taliban to always go after the Dick. Oh! Stop me if you heard this. Don't forget to tip your waitress!
Seriously, you gotta love that you can come to ImBringingBloggingBack and read about Victoria Beckham's boobs, get a healthy recap of The Hills, and then read about Dick Cheney. This site has really come full circle.
All kidding aside, no one wants an assassination attempt. However, now that Dick Cheney was actually in danger in Afghanistan I wonder if he now realizes how crazy some of those people are over there. Can we blame global warming for this? Jeeze, that Al Gore won't stop at anything to push his global warming agenda! As a side note, how many people are in the Taliban? Those people seem to be coming out of the woodwork. Their worse than the Girl Scouts.
Seriously, you gotta love that you can come to ImBringingBloggingBack and read about Victoria Beckham's boobs, get a healthy recap of The Hills, and then read about Dick Cheney. This site has really come full circle.
All kidding aside, no one wants an assassination attempt. However, now that Dick Cheney was actually in danger in Afghanistan I wonder if he now realizes how crazy some of those people are over there. Can we blame global warming for this? Jeeze, that Al Gore won't stop at anything to push his global warming agenda! As a side note, how many people are in the Taliban? Those people seem to be coming out of the woodwork. Their worse than the Girl Scouts.
Poshtoria Wants Privacy, Does Reality TV
It has been reported, by random drunken sources, that Victoria and David Spiced-Beckham will be getting their very own reality show here in the good old US of A and on NBC. I was a little surprised with it being on NBC, as I would have assumed FOX or The UPN (is the UPN even around anymore?). The Spiced-Beckham's have signed a $19.5 million deal to have cameras follow them around day and night as they move to Los Angeles later this year. Ok, now while this may end up being train-wreck TV at its finest, if this is true, Poshtoria has forfeited all rights to complaining that she doesn't have any privacy and the paparazzi always follow her around.
Poshtoria's manger, Simon Fuller, has been contacted and has said, "The Americans were falling over to sign Victoria for TV. They have taken a shine to Vic's humor."
Uh, yeah - no. We haven't as much "taken a shine" as we have drank "moonshine" and then laughed at her. There's a difference. Also, can "Vic" have a sense of humor if she doesn't show her teeth, ever? Oh wait, is that supposed to be that dry British humor? I get it now. And, "yuck."
No word yet if Poshtoria's teeth will be making a guest cameo on the reality program, but rumors are already flying that her robot boobs will be getting their own spin-off. Only in America, my friends, only in America. I'm glad that I live in a country that would give a Spice Girl a second chance. You hear that "Kris Kross?" You're next!
Who Said Robots Can Smile!?! and Who Shot Spice!?!
Poshtoria's manger, Simon Fuller, has been contacted and has said, "The Americans were falling over to sign Victoria for TV. They have taken a shine to Vic's humor."
Uh, yeah - no. We haven't as much "taken a shine" as we have drank "moonshine" and then laughed at her. There's a difference. Also, can "Vic" have a sense of humor if she doesn't show her teeth, ever? Oh wait, is that supposed to be that dry British humor? I get it now. And, "yuck."
No word yet if Poshtoria's teeth will be making a guest cameo on the reality program, but rumors are already flying that her robot boobs will be getting their own spin-off. Only in America, my friends, only in America. I'm glad that I live in a country that would give a Spice Girl a second chance. You hear that "Kris Kross?" You're next!
Who Said Robots Can Smile!?! and Who Shot Spice!?!
MTV The Hills: What the Hell is a Jenn Bunny?
Is it just me or is this season of "The Hills" like 549 episodes long? This episode really pulls from the bottom of the barrell and gives random Laguna Beach friend turned random The Hills friend, Jenn, a little camera time. It's Jenn Bunny's (??) 21st birthday and that can only mean one thing: Get drunk, say wicked stupid stuff that you don't think the cameras picked up on (they did pick up on it), and be as annoying as possible (almost as annoying as this site...I said almost). Will Jenn screw over Lauren? Will Heidi make herself look like even more of an ass? Will Steve Sanders create a new catchphrase this episode? Will Lauren do the "ugly cry?" So many questions, so little time. Below are some real philosophical thoughts I've had while watching this train-wreck of an episode.- Audrina actually thinks Steve Sanders put a spell on Heidi. Yup. She actually said that. Audrina, do you know you're not in a Mighty Mouse cartoon?
- With all the money that Jenn's family has you'd think she would have gotten a nose job. No one is that comfortable with themselves. Yeah, I went there.
- Is Whitney retarded? No, like I don't mean dumb, I actually mean physically challenged.
- Is MTV forgetting to hit the "sensor" button? At one point Steve Sanders actually says to Brody "Chucks" Jenner that he needs to get in Jenn's back door. No really, he said that. Can you say that on TV? Jim Walsh would not stand for this, Steve.
- Uh-oh "girls night out" at The Geisha house means "and cue the stereotypical "sake" shots and girls screaming."
- Oh, by the way Jenn and Heidi are evil whores.
- Who actually says the words, "he'll mack you ASAP"?? No really, who? Give me their names and addresses.
- Um, does anyone know that Brody and Lauren were "fake dating?" Why do they all keep trying to hook him up with Jenn?
- What's a "Jenn Bunny?"
- Does Myspace pay MTV to have them reference Myspace in every episode?
- Why do Lauren and Whitney always have to set up the flowers in a straight line at work? Is that work?
- Jenn hooked up with Brody. Lauren seems surprised. Does she not know she's on a semi-scripted reality show?
- Best line of the show, "He's a sucky person, he's a sucky person" ~ Lauren about Steve Sanders.
Will Lauren and Heidi be able to fix their friendship after the fight at the end of this episode? Will Jenn ever appear on another MTV California reality show? Tune in next week. Oh, P.S if you haven't read this entire post with a sarcastic overtone you have done yourself a disservice.
James Blunt to Victim: You're Crippled. You're Crippled. It's True.
High-pitched, whiny, singer James Blunt ran right over the leg of this dude who was just trying to get a little old autograph while in Los Angeles, says one random witness. James was with his girlfriend, supermodel Petra Nemcova, when the alleged accident happen, but they never stopped to check on the dude that they hit. Since we don't know this guys name yet, I will call now call him, "Stumpy McDragAlong" (thanks Traci).
When James Blunt's rep was contacted for comment he stated, "He was overwhelmed by the swarm of paparazzi and was truly not aware of what happened. We're very sorry for what happened, and we're looking into the matter."
Yeah sure blame the paparazzi. These guys get blamed for everything, including the war in Iraq. It would have been WAY more believe able if they just said that James was in such awe that a supermodel would actually date him that he became dizzy and never saw the guy near his car. Seriously, I need to become famous so that I can date a supermodel. And, when I do I'm totally going to full-on admit that she's only dating me because I'm famous. I mean, every famous dude can get any hot and rich model. Well....that's not always true. Example: Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman.
When James Blunt's rep was contacted for comment he stated, "He was overwhelmed by the swarm of paparazzi and was truly not aware of what happened. We're very sorry for what happened, and we're looking into the matter."
Yeah sure blame the paparazzi. These guys get blamed for everything, including the war in Iraq. It would have been WAY more believe able if they just said that James was in such awe that a supermodel would actually date him that he became dizzy and never saw the guy near his car. Seriously, I need to become famous so that I can date a supermodel. And, when I do I'm totally going to full-on admit that she's only dating me because I'm famous. I mean, every famous dude can get any hot and rich model. Well....that's not always true. Example: Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman.
Who Hit Stumpy McDragAlong!?!
Lindsay Worries Sister Will Skank It Up
Lindsay hikes up her skirt (possibly to air out her lady business) and heads out to a little private party at Winston's Bar in West Hollywood. But, while Lindsay No Pants may have partied her pants off the "good times" are always a little bitter sweet since she is worried about her little sister Ali, whom I haven't given a nickname to yet. Oh and "yes" I just used the word "whom." What? I'm classy.In a recent interview with Britain's Top of the Pops magazine, Lindsay spoke about her concern for her sister trying to mimic her partying ways. Lindsay has said:
"My little sister Aliana's opinions are the most important to me. She says, 'I want to look like you, you're so pretty!' But she is very beautiful and so she is trouble in the making! She wants to do what I do. I'm like her second mother and I am very protective of her."
And end scene!
Seriously? Ok, give me a minute to comment on just a few things.
- 'I want to look like you, you're so pretty!" - yeah Linds (I call her "Linds"), you know you just made that part up. I doubt Ali is up at night praying that she gets a case of the "freckleitis."
- If she really wants to do what you do than Dina must be psyched she's saving money on underpants.
- You're like her second mother? Second? Yeah, no no you're like her first mother. That's right Dina I said it. Deal with it.
Lindsay continued by discussing her bother, Cody.
"My brother Cody is 19. He wants to stay out of the limelight and become a lawyer. I want him to be an entertainment lawyer, so he can help me out!"
Awesome. Here's what I think:
- DUDE! What is it like to be 19, Lindsay's brother, and seeing pictures of your sister's "lady business" getting in and out of cars and on and off of boats? The money that Dina is saving on underpants should go towards buying gallons of bleach so you can pour it in your eyes.
- He may become an entertainment lawyer, but Lindsay you're going to have to wait for him to bust your dad out of the slammer before he even starts to work on your messy legal issues.
Mary Kate Writes About a Bag & Bags & a Bag
Do you ever wonder what billionaire's think about? I do. I only know what millionaire's think about, as I am a millionaire. Well, billionaire's think about bags. Yes, "bags" and not the kind that Mary-Kate Olsen typically wears. I'm actually talking a purse. Mary- Kate Olsen wrote a little article in the New York Times about her bag. Yes, bag. Let's take a look to see what she wrote:
"I have a large, red quilted Chanel bag that I borrowed from my sister Ashley. I wore it to an event and never gave it back. Luckily, she's moved on to another bag, so I'm safe for now. I'm not quite sure how many bags I have, but let's just say I have a few. When I find a bag I like, I tend to wear it to death until I become obsessed with another one. This probably happens three to five times a year. But I always come back to the Chanel. The size isn't overwhelming, and it has enough subtle detail to keep it interesting.
I also have the smaller version in blue and in white, but the red is definitely my favorite. I don't have a stylist - I'd rather just do my own thing and put together my own outfits. The chain-handle bag is the perfect accent to almost any combination I come up with. I look at everything with a designer's eye, but I wouldn't change a thing about this bag. I think that's why it's a true classic."
Wait, what? Is this a joke? First off, she literally wrote "bag" 6 times in two paragraphs. Maybe Michelle Tanner should have spent a little more time in school than on the set of Full House. Now don't get me wrong, my writing is equally as horrible, but I'm not a billionaire, an Olsen, or a billionaire Olsen. Hey Mary-Kate what are your thoughts on global warming? And by that I actually mean, do you have a bag that you can wear as you deal with global warming?
As a side note, somewhere in the world right now Kimmy Gibbler is digging in a dumpster for her lunch.
If I was chosen to write an article for the New York Times, my article would go a little something like this:
As a side note, somewhere in the world right now Kimmy Gibbler is digging in a dumpster for her lunch.
If I was chosen to write an article for the New York Times, my article would go a little something like this:
I could go for a large beer. I would not share the beer with anyone, not even my sister. I'd be afraid she wouldn't give me my beer back. Luckily, she moved onto something besides beer. She's moved onto wine so I'm safe for now.
Sometimes I wish I could brew my own beer. I don't have my own bartender - but I'd rather just do my own thing and make my own beer. It may not be the best, but I wouldn't change a thing about he beer I brewed. I think that's why I'm a true classic.
Britney Stole My Nana's Lipstick
Yeah I said "Britney" but I didn't mean Britney Spears. There's more than one "Britney" out there. Man, she isn't Jesus - you know, with just one name. Never mind, His last name is "Christ." Anyway, I am putting Britney Murphy under investigation for possible stealing my Nana's zinc pink lipstick. My Nana thought she just lost it a few days ago and then look what happens...it ends up right on Britney Murphy's lips. Britney was at the Vanity Fair Oscar party just the other night showing off her lips or as I like to call it, "bragging about how she mugged my Nana."
Now, I'm still waiting to complete my investigation before I charge Britney with "theft." There is a chance that my Nana just gave Britney a kiss and all her lipstick just smeared onto her. I haven't seen my Nana in a little while, so she could've been at the Vanity Fair Oscar party, you never know. However if I ever run into Britney at a Bingo Hall and I hear her yelling out "B-5?, B-5?" I'm going to know that she is stalking my Nana.
As a side note, Britney is hot. She definitely kinda has that "I'm a hot version of Tori Spelling with less buggy eyes" kind of look. Is that just me? Anybody? Anybody?
Who Stole My Nana's Crap!?!
Now, I'm still waiting to complete my investigation before I charge Britney with "theft." There is a chance that my Nana just gave Britney a kiss and all her lipstick just smeared onto her. I haven't seen my Nana in a little while, so she could've been at the Vanity Fair Oscar party, you never know. However if I ever run into Britney at a Bingo Hall and I hear her yelling out "B-5?, B-5?" I'm going to know that she is stalking my Nana.
As a side note, Britney is hot. She definitely kinda has that "I'm a hot version of Tori Spelling with less buggy eyes" kind of look. Is that just me? Anybody? Anybody?
Who Stole My Nana's Crap!?!
Monday, February 26, 2007
...In Other News...
I'm sorry I couldn't do it, I just couldn't do it. I fell asleep too many times during the Oscars to blog about it and I knew that there would be so many other sites out there doing the play-by-play. I woke up at very random times such as: Celine Dion singing (I assume Titanic must still be up for some awards), I saw Al Gore win an Oscar (that may have been a dream), and I saw some dancers make themselves into a scene from "Little Miss Sunshine" (I must have been drugged). Check out what some other legit Oscar buzz and other celebrity news.~ The Most Complete Oscar Coverage Out There! ~ PopBytes
MTV: My Interview with MTV Juvies
While some people are interviewing A-list celebrities, I'm focusing on interviewing A-list fauxlebrities. I "virtually" sat down with "Sierra" from the MTV brilliance of "Juvies." You may remember Sierra from Juvies as the girl who never showed up for school, had the 19 year old boyfriend, and then got arrested and sent to Juvie-Land. Oh, but Sierra is so much more than that. She weighs in on her experience with MTV, her thoughts on Saint Jennifer Lopez, her feelings towards braiding girls hair, what MTV told her not to say, and much much more...and less.
IBBB - Sierra, you appeared on an episode of MTV's Juvies because you knocked over a 7-11? No really, how did you end up on the show?
Sierra - I was in there because I supposedly ran way, which NEVER happened. The attendance office looked at the wrong name and the officer never went back to look at my records like he was supposed to. He probably went to Dunkin Donuts instead...lol! But my parents didn't like my boyfriend at the time and thought I would run away with him.. So, when I was walking home from school, I got arrested. When I arrived at L.C.J.C., the MTV lady asked me if I would be on the show, so I said sure. It made my stay a bit easier though, like I was allowed to leave my room more for interviews.
IBBB - Yeah, I like Dunkin Donuts too. Er...awkward.
IBBB - Why do all the girls seem to braid each others' hair right before they go to court? Is it like getting ready for the Prom?
Sierra - Haha, yeah I had my hair "did" when I went to court. I guess it's just because we're bored. It's either braid hair or play Spades. It's a girl thing, playing with hair, so we usually have our hair braided before court. And yeah I guess we do want to look nice... lol.
IBBB - Oh, I'm funny to the Juvies! You use the "lol" a lot. I'm old.
IBBB - I get nervous that by having your image displayed on a show like that it may be difficult to find work. (1) Who do you think would win in a chicken fight – Nicole Richie or Mischa Barton and (2) What are your career inspirations?
Sierra - I don't know who would win. They would probably both break if they touched each other. They are as skinny as tooth picks for crying out loud. So, it would be a lose-lose situation. My career inspirations are probably animals. I feel bad for really sick animals, and I want to make them better. I plan on becoming a vet.
IBBB - I think Mischa would win because she's taller. I guess since spending time in "Juvies" you are most qualified to work with animals. Oh! Stop me if you heard this one!
IBBB - In your episode your parents seemed to realize that you didn't call yourself out of school and they were just trying to look out for your best interest. Do you no look back and see that they were correct for doing so?
Sierra - I personally don't think so. I understand them looking out for me, but they don't seem to understand that I've been around these kind of people my whole life, and I'm well aware of the risks I'm taking. But, maybe later on down the road I'll agree with their decision. But right now, no.
IBBB - Honey, honey that is not the right answer. Even if it is how you feel, your parents will toss you back in the slammer before your 18th birthday and you’ll be braiding hair until your next trial. Just be grateful that Sally Jesse Raphael isn't still on the air. She'd toss your ass right into boot camp!
IBBB - Your myspace seems to have a lot of skull and cross bones all over it. That's danger. If you could provide any words of wisdom to Britney Spears what would they be?
Sierra - Don't EVER shave your head again. And go get help like the rest of us abnormal people have to. Don't leave after a day; you'll get nowhere by doing that.
IBBB - You didn't mention anything about the skull and crossbones on your myspace page. Ok, I'll let it slide for now, but I'm telling Tom.
IBBB - What was the best thing that came out of your experience on MTV?
Sierra - The best thing would have to be the fact that I was on TV, nothing else because it was for the wrong reason. Even though I did agree to do it I could care less about the popularity.
IBBB - Well you never know what can happen. That blond chick from the first episode wants to try out for American Idol. Really shoot for the stars Sierra!
IBBB - Speaking of train wrecks, do you think that J. Lo traded up with Marc Anthony or did she trade down?
Sierra - Sh*t, I still think that no one can ever replace Ben Affleck. Those two were one of the hottest couples I've ever seen. Marc really isn't all that great looking to me...but what ever floats her boat. It's not based on looks, I know.
IBBB - Um Sierra, if it's not based on looks how do you know you like someone? I only base things on looks. P.S If Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx reads this, you're dead! P.S Watch your mouth. This is a PG-13 rated site!
IBBB - What are some misconceptions that you would like to set the record straight on about you and your experience on Juvies?
Sierra - I did NOT actually run away, I was in school. I'm not as big of a cry baby as I looked. I actually laughed and had fun more than I did cry. Sounds bad to say that, but it's the truth. And I'm not really that obsessed with "that guy." We had a thing, I loved him, but he wasn't all that I freakin talked about. And I did think he was cute. They just asked me NOT to say ANYthing good about him. Hint - why I laughed a little bit when I answered that question.
IBBB - Interesting. So you were basically "coached." I'm not saying a word because I want to work at MTV one day.
IBBB - It seems like you've learned a lot through this process. You have one guess…who is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter?
Sierra - Who f*ckin knows? She's a whore, man. I know it's not that old guys though, all he shoots out is dust probably.
IBBB - Yowza! Don't speak ill of the dead unless you end it with, "TrimSpa, baby!"
Sierra - I was in there because I supposedly ran way, which NEVER happened. The attendance office looked at the wrong name and the officer never went back to look at my records like he was supposed to. He probably went to Dunkin Donuts instead...lol! But my parents didn't like my boyfriend at the time and thought I would run away with him.. So, when I was walking home from school, I got arrested. When I arrived at L.C.J.C., the MTV lady asked me if I would be on the show, so I said sure. It made my stay a bit easier though, like I was allowed to leave my room more for interviews.
IBBB - Yeah, I like Dunkin Donuts too. Er...awkward.
IBBB - Why do all the girls seem to braid each others' hair right before they go to court? Is it like getting ready for the Prom?
Sierra - Haha, yeah I had my hair "did" when I went to court. I guess it's just because we're bored. It's either braid hair or play Spades. It's a girl thing, playing with hair, so we usually have our hair braided before court. And yeah I guess we do want to look nice... lol.
IBBB - Oh, I'm funny to the Juvies! You use the "lol" a lot. I'm old.
IBBB - I get nervous that by having your image displayed on a show like that it may be difficult to find work. (1) Who do you think would win in a chicken fight – Nicole Richie or Mischa Barton and (2) What are your career inspirations?
Sierra - I don't know who would win. They would probably both break if they touched each other. They are as skinny as tooth picks for crying out loud. So, it would be a lose-lose situation. My career inspirations are probably animals. I feel bad for really sick animals, and I want to make them better. I plan on becoming a vet.
IBBB - I think Mischa would win because she's taller. I guess since spending time in "Juvies" you are most qualified to work with animals. Oh! Stop me if you heard this one!
IBBB - In your episode your parents seemed to realize that you didn't call yourself out of school and they were just trying to look out for your best interest. Do you no look back and see that they were correct for doing so?
Sierra - I personally don't think so. I understand them looking out for me, but they don't seem to understand that I've been around these kind of people my whole life, and I'm well aware of the risks I'm taking. But, maybe later on down the road I'll agree with their decision. But right now, no.
IBBB - Honey, honey that is not the right answer. Even if it is how you feel, your parents will toss you back in the slammer before your 18th birthday and you’ll be braiding hair until your next trial. Just be grateful that Sally Jesse Raphael isn't still on the air. She'd toss your ass right into boot camp!
IBBB - Your myspace seems to have a lot of skull and cross bones all over it. That's danger. If you could provide any words of wisdom to Britney Spears what would they be?
Sierra - Don't EVER shave your head again. And go get help like the rest of us abnormal people have to. Don't leave after a day; you'll get nowhere by doing that.
IBBB - You didn't mention anything about the skull and crossbones on your myspace page. Ok, I'll let it slide for now, but I'm telling Tom.
IBBB - What was the best thing that came out of your experience on MTV?
Sierra - The best thing would have to be the fact that I was on TV, nothing else because it was for the wrong reason. Even though I did agree to do it I could care less about the popularity.
IBBB - Well you never know what can happen. That blond chick from the first episode wants to try out for American Idol. Really shoot for the stars Sierra!
IBBB - Speaking of train wrecks, do you think that J. Lo traded up with Marc Anthony or did she trade down?
Sierra - Sh*t, I still think that no one can ever replace Ben Affleck. Those two were one of the hottest couples I've ever seen. Marc really isn't all that great looking to me...but what ever floats her boat. It's not based on looks, I know.
IBBB - Um Sierra, if it's not based on looks how do you know you like someone? I only base things on looks. P.S If Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx reads this, you're dead! P.S Watch your mouth. This is a PG-13 rated site!
IBBB - What are some misconceptions that you would like to set the record straight on about you and your experience on Juvies?
Sierra - I did NOT actually run away, I was in school. I'm not as big of a cry baby as I looked. I actually laughed and had fun more than I did cry. Sounds bad to say that, but it's the truth. And I'm not really that obsessed with "that guy." We had a thing, I loved him, but he wasn't all that I freakin talked about. And I did think he was cute. They just asked me NOT to say ANYthing good about him. Hint - why I laughed a little bit when I answered that question.
IBBB - Interesting. So you were basically "coached." I'm not saying a word because I want to work at MTV one day.
IBBB - It seems like you've learned a lot through this process. You have one guess…who is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter?
Sierra - Who f*ckin knows? She's a whore, man. I know it's not that old guys though, all he shoots out is dust probably.
IBBB - Yowza! Don't speak ill of the dead unless you end it with, "TrimSpa, baby!"
IBBB - So, some of the girls looked kinda scary, kinda like Roseanne Barr. Did any of them try to make you their prison bitch?
Sierra - Surprisingly, no. I got along with all of them except for the people that didn't talk to me.
IBBB - Ok, that's enough about you, let's bring it back to me. So, do I look to old to be an MTV VJ or news correspondent?
Sierra - Naw, you don't look old at all....just about the right age actually.
IBBB - You are very wise Sierra and you speak the truth. You hear that MTV?
Thanks Sierra you were great and besides your filthy mouth you seem like a normal teen who just happens to like skulls and crossbones. Best of luck with all that you do! If you ever need a reference for a job well you can just ask....er...good luck with that.
Sierra - Naw, you don't look old at all....just about the right age actually.
IBBB - You are very wise Sierra and you speak the truth. You hear that MTV?
Thanks Sierra you were great and besides your filthy mouth you seem like a normal teen who just happens to like skulls and crossbones. Best of luck with all that you do! If you ever need a reference for a job well you can just ask....er...good luck with that.
Want to ask Sierra some more questions? Check out her MTV Juvies Myspace Profile!
Want to be a ImBringingBloggingBack Myspace Friend?
Britney's Kids Enter Rehab. Meanwhile, Britney Stays Busy Writing "Death Note."
Ahhh, see what I did with the title? I made you think her kids were in rehab. I'm tricky. Britney's kids were brought to "Promises"rehab (or "Promise of a New Day" as I like to call it - shout out to Paula Abdul) to visit mommy in the clink. Even Kevin Federline made it out to rehab to check on his ex-wife.It is now rumored that while Britney had some downtime before she checked in head into rehab she kinda wrote a letter to Santa Claus. Well it wasn't so much a letter to Santa as it was a list of people who she wanted dead. Oh, that's sweet. According to NewsOfTheWorld Britney had her suitcase checked when she entered rehab so they could make sure she didn't have any drugs on her. It was then that they found a note that allegedly listed out some people that she would like dead. Who made this list you ask? Well, that would be Kevin Federline and some members of the paparazzi. Yeah, you're nuts. If this is true I would love to see that note. I wonder what she was going to do with it? That thing would be worth more than finding an original copy of The Declaration of Independence. Since I am the writer of this award winning blog, I have actually gotten my hands on the "death note" from Britney Spears. See below.
Cameron & Drew Play Puff Puff Pass
Why those wiley little minx! Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz took a little time to unwind while vacationing in Hawaii. Some people say it's just a cigarette, while others are speculating that it's a little bit of the marijuana that the kids are wild about these days. I say if it's drugs where are the receipts? Maybe they just "found it on the ground" or "are just holding it for a friend." The possibilities are endless. Hopefully after their "festivities" their conversations actually got interesting. I'd need about 10 of those to deal with those two together. It would be like being permanently trapped on the set of Charlies Angles. I wish I was there actually. I would have totally made it into a real bad after school special. I would have also tried to make a citizens arrest.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Britney's Umbrella, Britney's Video & Less
Sure it's the weekend and while I typically take the time off from the IBBB, I thought it was fitting to recap a little Britney. Enjoy the journey through ImBringingBloggingBack Britney time from crazy to crazy, from skanky to skanky, from y'all to y'all. You'll love Britney's umbrella (I'm still trying to get an interview with it), you'll smile at Britney's Scooby Doo disguise, and you'll be spooked by Britney's ghost boobs! I mean let's face it this is award winning journalism. Journalism. Also, clearly award winning photoshop skills.
~ Britney "Fight Dances" With Her Umbrella
~ Britney is Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady in Rehab
~ Britney Check Out of Rehab, Wears Scooby Doo Disguise
~ Wanna See Britney Naked? Be Her Nanny!
~ Britney Just "Daddy Warbucks'd" Herself!
~ A Jewish Guy is Pissed at Britney, Writes Letter
~ Britney Thinks She's Fatty Fat Fat. Fat
~ Britney Forgets Bra at Target, Remembers White-Trash Cigarettes
~ Britney Shaves Elmo in Vegas
~ Britney Brings Value of a Yacht Down
~ Mmm Purdy! Britney Channels Kathy Griffin
~ Britney Looks Good, World Implodes
~ Britney's Ghost Boobs Go X-Mas Shopping
Um, Christmas is Over, No?
I haven't had a rant in a little bit, so now is the time.
I may not be the best with math (or spelling, or grammar, or politics, or science, or religion, or cats) but I'm almost positive that Christmas ended over two-months ago. How do I know this? Well, I checked my calendar and counted the days. You see, Christmas ended at midnight on December 25th. "Little Christmas" ended on January 6th. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that Christmas is over because it seems that wherever I drive around some houses are still decorated for Christmas. How so? Well, some people still have their wreaths hanging on their front door and over their front windows. Some still have lights on their bushes AND they're still turned on at night. Many still have their electric candles in their windows and they, too, are still turned on. It's one thing to "forget" to take these down, but you are intentionally turning them on....in February...your lights....your Christmas lights....in February...on. Why would one do this? Every time I see this it makes me crazy. Sometimes I am tempted to get out of my car and knock on their door and ask them what they are thinking. Sometimes I want to just take their lights and wreaths down myself and just leave a note on their front door that says, "You're welcome."
Seriously? These people that own these homes better be dead inside and that's why their stuff is still up. No joke. Whenever I still see their lights on I always think that they must be on a timer and that the owners are passed out on the kitchen floor. That has to be the only explanation. Look, I'm not trying be the Grinch, but Christmas is clearly over. How would you like it if I kept my house decorated for Halloween all year round? Same thing. Better yet, for every additional day that I see your Christmas stuff up I am going to go to your house and sing Christmas carols in front of it until you either shut your stuff off or give me money. Oh, and I'll ring your doorbell every day and ask if you want me to shovel your driveway. I can do this well into the summer.
In closing, please take down your Christmas crap. Christmas ended months ago and you're confusing the kids in the neighborhood. Thanks, in advance, for your cooperation.
I may not be the best with math (or spelling, or grammar, or politics, or science, or religion, or cats) but I'm almost positive that Christmas ended over two-months ago. How do I know this? Well, I checked my calendar and counted the days. You see, Christmas ended at midnight on December 25th. "Little Christmas" ended on January 6th. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that Christmas is over because it seems that wherever I drive around some houses are still decorated for Christmas. How so? Well, some people still have their wreaths hanging on their front door and over their front windows. Some still have lights on their bushes AND they're still turned on at night. Many still have their electric candles in their windows and they, too, are still turned on. It's one thing to "forget" to take these down, but you are intentionally turning them on....in February...your lights....your Christmas lights....in February...on. Why would one do this? Every time I see this it makes me crazy. Sometimes I am tempted to get out of my car and knock on their door and ask them what they are thinking. Sometimes I want to just take their lights and wreaths down myself and just leave a note on their front door that says, "You're welcome."
Seriously? These people that own these homes better be dead inside and that's why their stuff is still up. No joke. Whenever I still see their lights on I always think that they must be on a timer and that the owners are passed out on the kitchen floor. That has to be the only explanation. Look, I'm not trying be the Grinch, but Christmas is clearly over. How would you like it if I kept my house decorated for Halloween all year round? Same thing. Better yet, for every additional day that I see your Christmas stuff up I am going to go to your house and sing Christmas carols in front of it until you either shut your stuff off or give me money. Oh, and I'll ring your doorbell every day and ask if you want me to shovel your driveway. I can do this well into the summer.
In closing, please take down your Christmas crap. Christmas ended months ago and you're confusing the kids in the neighborhood. Thanks, in advance, for your cooperation.
Friday, February 23, 2007
...In Other News...
Kelly Clarkson and Nicolas Cage get cozy, yet creepy, at the Nextel Cup Series Daytona 500 in Florida. Oh, and Nicolas Cage looks like a level-3 sex offender. In other news...~ A Good Old Fashion Hockey Fight! ~ ThatGuy
~ Pete Wentz Sorta Says Ashlee Simpson isn't Creative ~ MollyGood
~ Jennifer Aniston Doesn't Heart Perez ~ CelebritySmack
~ Penelope Cruz's Sister is Hotter Than Her ~ DListed
~ Nick Cannon Gets Married. Hopefully His Horrible Show is Over. ~ HollyScoop
~ Is Mischa Barton Smoking Weed Drug Cigarettes? ~ EvilBeet
~ Nobody Wants to Smell Like Britney's Wig ~ Yeeeah!
~ How 'Bout a Little Mischa Toe ~ NinjaDude
~ Jennifer Aniston Doesn't Heart Perez ~ CelebritySmack
~ Penelope Cruz's Sister is Hotter Than Her ~ DListed
~ Nick Cannon Gets Married. Hopefully His Horrible Show is Over. ~ HollyScoop
~ Is Mischa Barton Smoking Weed Drug Cigarettes? ~ EvilBeet
~ Nobody Wants to Smell Like Britney's Wig ~ Yeeeah!
~ How 'Bout a Little Mischa Toe ~ NinjaDude
The Jolie-Pitt's to Adopt Their Asses Off
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are allegedly in the process of adopting, yet another, child. This time they are dipping into the kiddie-pool of Vietnam. A random source in Vietnam has told US Weekly that they have filed papers with the US Citizenship and Immigration services to adopt a boy from the Tam Binh orphanage in Ho Ch Minh City. Yeah, I don't know that 4 of those words meant.
Oh one hand I say good for them. On the other hand I say we have plenty of kids here in the US that need adopting. On the other other hand I say why do I care what they do. It's not like they asked me for permission. The point being, I have 3 hands. Why don't they just do it the old-fashioned way? Wait, are they trying to form their very own United Nations? Hmmm, interesting. I'll have to look into that.
In other Angelina Jolie news, it is rumored that she has dropped to 109 pounds (26 kilograms - I have no idea what it is in kilograms, but I'm trying to appeal to my international audience) as she has been grieving for her mom who passed away a few weeks ago. Another random source told US Weekly that, "She isn't eating. She is very lonely and desperate to make new friends." Jeeze, just buy stuff. Doesn't money make you feel better? It would make me feel better. Give me some of that money and I'll let you know.
Oh one hand I say good for them. On the other hand I say we have plenty of kids here in the US that need adopting. On the other other hand I say why do I care what they do. It's not like they asked me for permission. The point being, I have 3 hands. Why don't they just do it the old-fashioned way? Wait, are they trying to form their very own United Nations? Hmmm, interesting. I'll have to look into that.
In other Angelina Jolie news, it is rumored that she has dropped to 109 pounds (26 kilograms - I have no idea what it is in kilograms, but I'm trying to appeal to my international audience) as she has been grieving for her mom who passed away a few weeks ago. Another random source told US Weekly that, "She isn't eating. She is very lonely and desperate to make new friends." Jeeze, just buy stuff. Doesn't money make you feel better? It would make me feel better. Give me some of that money and I'll let you know.
It's Business Casual Day for Halle Berry
I'm still fighting hard to not write about anything Britney, Anna, Paris, Nicole, or Poshtoria today. It's tough. I won't lie. There is so much train-wreck out there, but I need one day off from them. I made myself a deal that I would only break my promise if any of them got arrested today and that includes Anna.
Luckily Halle Berry was out and about at the opening of Wicked and even though she is dressed business-casual she looks hot. Now you know me, I never have a ton of nice things to say, but I always have kind words for Halle. She's insanely hot. I barely even care that she was involved in that hit and run a few years back. I'm sure that persons bones are all better by now.
It's funny because there never really seems to be any news about Halle. She is train-wreck free, yet I still choose to write about her. Wait, is this what it's like to have a heart? Ouch. Love hurts. Anyway, there are rumors flying that Halle really wants to star in the next James Bond film. She is so obsessed with this that she has, allegedly, said that she would do it for free.
Who Said That!?!
It's funny because there never really seems to be any news about Halle. She is train-wreck free, yet I still choose to write about her. Wait, is this what it's like to have a heart? Ouch. Love hurts. Anyway, there are rumors flying that Halle really wants to star in the next James Bond film. She is so obsessed with this that she has, allegedly, said that she would do it for free.
Who Said That!?!
More MTV Juvies, More Questions
As I may have mentioned once or twice before, I sweat many of the reality shows on MTV. Does that make me a loser? Absolutely. However admitting is the first step. Now, I know that most reality shows are not real. I've even called this out many times during "The Hills." I'm ok with that, really. What I'm not ok with is being duped by crafty "documentary-style-editing" that truly made me think that "Juvies" wasn't scripted. Well, my friends, I have an "inside source" that quickly corrected my thoughts on this.
While the majority of Juvies is real (ish) there are many moments of a bit of scripting and a bit of coaching by the producers. I'll call this "scroaching." I was contacted by one of the guards who was on Juvies and was" scroached." He wanted to let me know that when they were talking to the Juvies they were told to make things more dramatic or even say things again so the cameras could capture it. If it wasn't dramatic enough they would have to do it again. I know what you're thinking..."who doesn't know that!?!" Well, I didn't. I really thought that this was a real reality show. I guess I should have known. It's kinda like when you find out about Santa. Like, you kinda know he isn't real and then you find out and you're bummed, but then you still believe a little, but then you remember that he isn't real. Yeah, it's kinda like that for me. I guess technically I've just been "Juvie Claused."
All of this got me to thinking. These kids are under 18 so how were they filmed? They had to get their parents consent, of course. What parent would sign a waiver that would show their kids acting like animals? Do they think this will be a stepping stone for their careers? Kids, kids, kids. This isn't American Idol. You're basically in prison and on TV. You'll always be known as the bratty kid in prison. That type of behavior may get you on The Surreal Life one day, but that's it. You just literally shot yourself in the foot.
While the majority of Juvies is real (ish) there are many moments of a bit of scripting and a bit of coaching by the producers. I'll call this "scroaching." I was contacted by one of the guards who was on Juvies and was" scroached." He wanted to let me know that when they were talking to the Juvies they were told to make things more dramatic or even say things again so the cameras could capture it. If it wasn't dramatic enough they would have to do it again. I know what you're thinking..."who doesn't know that!?!" Well, I didn't. I really thought that this was a real reality show. I guess I should have known. It's kinda like when you find out about Santa. Like, you kinda know he isn't real and then you find out and you're bummed, but then you still believe a little, but then you remember that he isn't real. Yeah, it's kinda like that for me. I guess technically I've just been "Juvie Claused."
All of this got me to thinking. These kids are under 18 so how were they filmed? They had to get their parents consent, of course. What parent would sign a waiver that would show their kids acting like animals? Do they think this will be a stepping stone for their careers? Kids, kids, kids. This isn't American Idol. You're basically in prison and on TV. You'll always be known as the bratty kid in prison. That type of behavior may get you on The Surreal Life one day, but that's it. You just literally shot yourself in the foot.
Where Have You Been: "Six" From Blossom
There come a point when you need to detox from the whole Britney Anna Nicole Hilton Richie day-to-day drama. Today is that day for me. So, my friends, I introduce to you the "Where Have You Been?" segment. Here's the deal. I clear my mind and think of the most random celebrity of yesteryear and dig them up and see what they're up to. So, today's segment is "Where Have You Been: "Six" From Blossom. That's right...Jenna von Oy everybody!
While I still am a firm believer that Myspace is the "devil" sometimes it really helps you out. That's where I found Jenna von Oy. So what's she been up to? Good question. Well, Six lives in Nashville Tennessee and is a country music singer. Yeee-haw! Six is afraid of flying and is obsessed with serial killers. I guess that's what happens when you have to look at Blossom's nose every day. Also, Jenna feels that she could never go into law enforcement because people wouldn't take her seriously and always feel that "Six from Blossom" was arresting them. Oh, did I mention I've been using "Jenna" and "Six" interchangeably. I have.
Sadly this is all that I can find about Six. I believe she is trying to "re-kickstart" her career. I'll provide Six with some unsolicited advice.
- Party at Hyde
- Forget to wear your 'underpants' and get in and out of as many cars as you can
- Start to dabble into the wonderful world of "Ecstasy"
- Crash your car on the highway
- Check into rehab
- Check out of rehab
- Check back into rehab
- Check out of rehab
- Create a sex tape
- Check into rehab
- Sell your sex tape
- Check out of rehab
- Repeat as necessary
If you follow these instructions you will be back on magazine covers and "The UPN" will just be a distant memory. Oh, you're welcome.
Become Jenna's Myspace Friend
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Brit Back in Rehab Again, Again, Again
She's once, twice, three times a lady in rehab. TMZ has just reported that Britney Spears had checked herself in to rehab for the 3rd time. My theory is that she has one of the "coffee punch cards" where each time you go they stamp your card and after 10 rehab visits you get your 11th for free. This could just be a stunt though as the child custody hearing scheduled by KFed today now had to be canceled due to Britney going back to rehab. My guess is that she'll be checked out by 4:42 PM EST. Who's with me. I hate to say it again, but the main problem is that she needs to go to Wonderland rehab. Wonderland. It worked "wonders" for Lindsay. I mean, look at her now! Lindsay only goes to the clubs 4 nights a week as opposed to 6. She's cured!
...In Other News...
In somewhat breaking world news, Prince Harry has officially been deployed to Iraq. When I first heard this just a few minutes ago I was thinking "Harry Potter" for some reason and wondered how that was possible. I am an idiot so it took a few second for me to understand they said Prince Harry. Good luck dude.
~ Marcia Cross Gives Birth to Twins, Can Finally Tan Again ~ Yeeeah!
~ Marcia Cross Gives Birth to Twins, Can Finally Tan Again ~ Yeeeah!
Britney Uses Umbrella as Weapon
Uh-oh, things are starting to get a bit serious in the Britney Spears Saga of 2007. We may have joked about her wig/disguise and rehab behavior, but when KFed asked, last night, for an emergency hearing with the judge to talk about his child custody dispute with Britney things got a bit more serious. According to X17 Online, Britney and her assistant went to KFed's house late last night without her wig or sunglasses and buzzed his intercom (which doesn't actually mean anything sexual), but he wouldn't answer. Britney then went around the block a few times, buzzed it again, but still he wouldn't answer. Britney became so angry that she took an umbrella and began hitting the cars of the paparazzi and yelling at them. While I'm not sure exactly what she was yelling, I'm sure there were a few "y'alls" thrown in there for good measure.
I say 'good for her' in using the umbrella as a weapon. I mean, no one has been able to successfully pull that off since "The Penguin" did it in various Batman episodes. Nice work on bringing Batman back. Seriously, she looks completely insane. She is like a caricature of herself right now.
I'm sure this won't be the last we hear of Britney today. My money is on her losing custody of her kids either today or tomorrow. I think it's sad, actually. However, the thought of her swinging an umbrella at a car takes the sadness away for me.
I say 'good for her' in using the umbrella as a weapon. I mean, no one has been able to successfully pull that off since "The Penguin" did it in various Batman episodes. Nice work on bringing Batman back. Seriously, she looks completely insane. She is like a caricature of herself right now.
I'm sure this won't be the last we hear of Britney today. My money is on her losing custody of her kids either today or tomorrow. I think it's sad, actually. However, the thought of her swinging an umbrella at a car takes the sadness away for me.
Is It Wrong When Mischa is the Fat One?
The title for this one was really hard for me. I mean, should I go with, "Is It Wrong When Mischa is the Fat One?" or should I have gone with "3 Bitches on the Beach?" There are just so many tough choices to make in life. Anyway, Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton were enjoying their long walk on the beach in Malibu with Nicole's dog. By the way, what's up with the Inspector Gadget hat? It always reminds me of something that Freddy Krueger would wear.Mischa has had some tough breaks lately. First, her younger sister Britney'd herself into rehab and then shortly later Mischa crashed Nicole Richie's car into another car. Ok, well not so much a crash as it was a bump, but "crash" just seems better. Mischa had just dropped off Nicole at the tanning salon when she bumped the other car and seemed pissed as she had to pull into a gas station to exchange papers with the other driver. Seriously if I was the other driver and Mischa Barton hit me in my car I would have either fallen out of my car or thrown myself through the windshield. That would have been my 15 minutes of fame. That's it, the next time I'm in LA I'm just going to drive around all day and wait to be hit.
Who Said That!?! and Who Shot Those Biotches!?!
Britney Does the Express Checkout
Britney is CURED! With just an additional 24-short hours of rehab, Britney Spears has gone the "express checkout" route and left rehab. Britney was quickly spotted coming home. Oh, she was also spotted as a character from a 1950's beach blanket bingo movie in which she sported the famous ratty blond wig, child molester sunglasses, 1950's gym-class uniform, and marble notebook that a nun must have passed on to her.In other Britney news, the LA County Department of Children has received numerous calls to their hotline from people who are concerned about her kids safety. I mean, half of those calls were probably from me, 1/4 were probably from Sean Preston thinking he was calling Ernie and Bert, and 3/4 were from the judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial. My math is correct, right?
I look forward to Britney "getting well soon," but in the meantime I think it would be great if for the next week she started going out wearing a different Halloween costume each day. I mean, where do you really go from here?
Who Shot Beach Blanket Bingo!?!
Saint Jennifer Lopez on American Idol
Seriously, news does not get any better than this. My personal favorite, Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx, will be performing on an episode of American Idol on April 11th. Awesome! (insert sarcastic overtones here____). What would J. Glow sing? Is "Waiting For Tonight" still on the "charts?" Maybe she'll sing Bailamos? That was her, right? Even better, maybe she act out scenes from Gigli! The possibilities are really endless at this point. Look I'll never take away form J. Glow that she is super talented. Wait, did I say talented? I meant "rich." I'll never take away from J. Glow that she is super rich, but what tips and tricks will she teach these Idol contestants? I can't WAIT to listen to J. Glow sing live on Idol. I have a bad feeling about this...which is great. See you April 11th!
Who J. Glow'd!?!
Who J. Glow'd!?!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
...In Other News...
Heather Mills if officially joining the new cast of "Dancing with the Stars" this season. Good for her. Similar to a pencil, I hope all the use of her leg doesn't wear it down so one leg is shorter than the other. Others who are joining the cast include: Joey Fatone, Billy Ray Cyrus, Leeza Gibbons, Laila Ali, Vincent Pastore, Apolo Anton Ohno, Paulina Porizkova, Clyde Drexler, Shandi Finnessey, and Ian Ziering (Steve Sanders, and not the "Steve Sanders" from The Hills)....In Other News...
~ Tina Turner is 154 Yrs Old ~ DListed
~ Rock N' Rolls Worst Drivers ~ CelebritySmack
~ Why Britney Has Done What She Has Done ~ PopBytes
~ NBA Allstar Game Bitch-Fights ~ ThatGuy
~ Carmen Electra is Officially Single Again ~ HollyScoop
~ Eminem vs. Kim ~ GabSmash
~ Anna Nicole Palooza Part 438 ~ Yeeeah!
~ Jessica Simpson and...Someone...Er... ~ GossipOrTruth
~ Finally! The Answer to Why Poshtoria Beckham Never Smiles ~ POTP
~ Hottest Top 5 American Idol Females ~ NinjaDude
~ American Idol Recap. I Mean a Literal Play-by-Play ~ EvilBeet
Wanna See Britney Naked? Be Her Nanny!
According to US Weekly being a nanny for Britney Spears doesn't really entail any "children skills" at all. Sweet, I'm in! What Britney is looking for is (1) someone who is around her age so she can play with you (2) must be able to physically hold child for 23 hours, 50 minutes per day (3) be ready to see a bald Britney naked while she tries on different "outfits" for the night (4) must always be prepared to find a new job, as Britney is likely to fire you if her kids like you better.
Awesome! These are all things I can do. I've never been more qualified for a job in my entire life. Here's the rest of the details from US Weekly and what some nannies had to say:
When Spears is alone with her kids, "she gets over-whelmed," says a source. "She gets so frustrated when they cry, asking, 'How do I make it stop?' But she loves her kids."
Personal Over Professional
"Britney didn't ask me one thing about my child-care experience. She only wanted to know about my personal life."
Awesome! These are all things I can do. I've never been more qualified for a job in my entire life. Here's the rest of the details from US Weekly and what some nannies had to say:
When Spears is alone with her kids, "she gets over-whelmed," says a source. "She gets so frustrated when they cry, asking, 'How do I make it stop?' But she loves her kids."
Personal Over Professional
"Britney didn't ask me one thing about my child-care experience. She only wanted to know about my personal life."
Friend Wanted
"The agency that called me emphasized that Britney was looking for a nanny who was young and hip because they wanted her to interact with people her own age. Basically, Britney wanted a friend."
Must Like Naked Bosses
"Britney asked me and one of her nannies to come to her room to watch her try on outfits for a party one night – then she stripped down naked in front of us!"
Must Act As Surrogate Mom
"One nanny told me that Britney will hold her kids for 10 minutes and then say, 'I'm done now. You can take them."
Don't Be Too Good
"She doesn't like when Sean prefers the nanny, so she fires them and looks for a new one."
Wanna Smell Like Bon Jovi?
Bon Jovi is hopping on the "celebrity stank" bandwagon and will be launching his own cologne/aftershave line later this year. Bon Jovi has teamed up with cosmetic company "Coty Inc" to come up with his new scent. Personally, I think he should call it, "Feathered Hair Comb-Over" but that's just my thought. I have a friend who is obsessed with Bon Jovi (Janine) so while this bit of news is for her I fear that I will have 10 bottles of this crap waiting for me under my Christmas tree this year.
At first I assumed that this was just an attempt for the rich to get richer, but at least portions of his sales will be donated to various charities throughout America. Hey, I'm charity. Give me some of that money, thanks.
At first I assumed that this was just an attempt for the rich to get richer, but at least portions of his sales will be donated to various charities throughout America. Hey, I'm charity. Give me some of that money, thanks.
Christina Aguilera With Child?
It wouldn't be a week in the celebrity news world without someone claiming that some celebrity is "with child." This time around the rumor is that Christina Aguoejrksadakasera is knocked the hell up. Allegedly Christina and her husband were at Beverly Hills kids boutique, Bellini, where she spent about $3,000 in baby crap. According to one of the workers at Bellini who helped out Christina, the couple told the worker that they didn't know what they were having and that they took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. Seriously, Christina will find any excuse just to pee on something.
Christina's spokeswoman said, "She [Christina] said it is not true and she wasn't in Bellini."
Ok, so I have three things:
Ok, so I have three things:
- Is anyone really a "spokeswoman" anymore? Wasn't that just a category they had in the old Star Search?
- Where are the security tapes from this transaction? Won't those prove things?
- This Bellini worker is completely getting fired.
A-Rod to Jeter: It's Not You, It's Me XoXo
Any time I can poke a little fun at anything "Yankees" you know I'm jumping on the bandwagon. As if being the "biggest choke in sports history" wasn't enough now it looks like A-Rod and Derek Jeter may be dunzo and the "biggest joke in sports history." At the least there is a little bump in their relationship, but it's nothing that Dr. Phil can't fix. Let's take a listen to what A-Rod had to say about his struggling relationship with Jeter:
"We were best of friends about 10, 13, 14, years ago, and we still get along well. We have a good working relationship. I cheer very hard for him. He cheers hard for me. And most importantly, we're both trying to win a world championship. The reality is there's been a change in the relationship over 14 years and, hopefully, we can just put it behind us. You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over. It's just not that big of a deal."
Uh, yeah, it isn't so much of a big deal. However, you know what is kinda a big deal? You guys used to have sleepovers 5 days a week. Between 10-14 years ago you crazy cats were like 18 years old. Isn't that a little old to be having sleepovers? I bet you guys use to braid each others hair and tell ghost stories, and freeze the bra of the first guy who fell asleep, and tried to contact Babe Ruth via your Ouija board, etc. You girls were clearly BFF's. Why not bury the bedazzled hatchet and try to win yourselves a World Series. At last count you haven't won a World Series since A-Rod joined the team. That must be tough. That can be taxing on a relationship. Tough.
Anyway, Derek Jeter is tired of hearing about this supposed "tiff" and says that his relationship with A-Rod is a "non-issue." Poor Jeter. Denial is the first step in the mourning process.
Harriet Carter Loves "Animal Everything!"
Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! As new people are making their way to ImBringingBloggingBack on a regular basis I still get the question of "What is Harriet Carter?" So, let's quickly recap. The Harriet Carter catalog has been around since 1958 and sells the most tacky crap ever. This catalog would somehow mysteriously end up at my house when me and my sister were little and we used to die-laughing over the stuff they sold. Fast forward many years and Harriet is still around and kicking so I choose a few products to highlight each Wednesday....thus, "Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!" Let's role!Product # 1 - Are you tired of shoveling this winter? Do you ever wish that you could just "wheel" the snow away? Well now you can thanks to Harriet Carter! Seriously? Really? Yeah. Has Harriet never shoveled before? Look at this thing. It's sorta like a plow attached to cheap metal on top of two rubber wheels. This guy is pushing it with one hand. I wish there was a live demonstration. There is no way this thing could work. I bet it doesn't even move in the snow, let alone "push" the snow out of the way. However, this probably would work if instead of "snow" on the ground there were just "bubbles" on the ground. That thing can definitely easily move bubbles out of the way, but not snow. No way. Actually, let me correct that. Like the picture, I bet this contraption can move "cartoon snow" out of the way as well. Thanks Harriet for increasing the chances that this guy goes into cardiac arrest. See you in court!
Product # 2 - Have you been outside and wished that your tree looked like an animal? How 'bout a cat? Sure! I mean, who hasn't. I always wish that my trees had faces and looked like other things. Seriously, is Harriet Carter on LSD? Please at least tell me she dabbles with crystal meth! Why, why would you ever need your tree to have a cat face? What's the point? Are people supposed to walk by it and say, "Oh my God look at that 'cat face' in that tree! That's amazing and so funny all at the same time!" How come the tree can't just look like a tree? That's like putting a "tree" on Harriet's face. How would she like it? Wait a minute...I have an idea. I have to go.
Product # 3 - Speaking of animals....is your dog so stupid that it can't see where it's going? Does it ever ask you (bark) for a flashlight as it goes around the neighborhood? Yeah, I didn't think so, but you're going to buy him one anyway aren't you? For me, this is even worse than dressing up your dog in human clothing. Aren't dogs supposed to have an amazing sense of sight and smell? Or is your dog so lazy that it needs a light? Yeah, good luck letting your dog out by himself in the neighborhood. There's no way that "Sparky" isn't going to get his tail kicked with this flashlight necklace. I mean, even look at where the light is pointing. It's pointing straight down. It doesn't even light the away ahead of you, just below you. Useless. Turn off that flashlight necklace. Take it off your dog. Hit yourself in the face with it. Repeat as necessary. There are homeless people living on the street and you just wasted your money on this. Awesome.
Product # 4 - Ahhhh, I heart "As Seen on TV." I can't blame Harriet for this one alone, but since she does sell it she is fair game. Introducing "Urine Gone!" As the label says, "For pet or people accidents." All you need to do is spray this on the urine stain and it will disappear. Seriously, if you have this problem in your house please don't EVER invite me to your house. Ever. I know exactly the kind of person you are. You're the type that has 5 cats, makes brownies and brings them into work. As I take my first bite you tell me how you let your car lick the egg-beater. Your cat is disgusting and you are even more gross. I bet your house is soaked in urine. And "people accidents?" What's going on in your home that you have human urine stains all throughout the house. Did you know you have a toilet? Just use that. No stains. This makes me so insane. I almost want to lurk in a Walgreen's, wait for someone to purchase this product, follow them to their home, and call the board of health and have their house boarded up. Oh, and thanks for the "black-light" Harriet! Let's realllly expose those urine stains. You are a filthy, filthy woman.
Well, that concludes another segment of "Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!" No go and scrub those urine stains out of your sofa you gross pigs!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
...In Other News...
Britney has decided to "head" her ass back to rehab, or Rehab 2.0 as I like to call it. Her reps hope that the media respects her privacy as she has "voluntarily" decided to check herself in. I hope she entered Wonderland where Lindsay No Pants just left. I feel that Mike Tyson is lonely there and he probably needs someone to braid his hair. I hope Britney "gets well soon," but I hope to see more fright-wigs, tattoos, and cigarette smoking in her future. I mean, it's one thing to lose Whitney Houston to sobriety, but I'm not going to lose Britney too!~ Brody Tried to Get Nicole to Eat ~ DListed
~ Lindsay is Afraid of a Mini-Lindsay ~ CelebritySmack
~ Tom Brady Psyched About His Bastard Child ~ EvilBeet
~ Donald Trump's Hair in Jeopardy ~ HollyScoop
~ Michelle Pfeiffer is Beautiful and She Wants to Let You Know! ~ MollyGood
~ KFed Wants Those Damn Kids ~ NinjaDude
MTV The Hills: Are Lauren & Heidi Friends?
Sure there's a war going on in Iraq, but let's face it if you're reading this you probably aren't following the war so much. We have a new civil war taking place right here in the U.S of A between Lauren and Heidi. Perhaps it's scripted, perhaps it's mixed with liquor, perhaps they are having strokes. Let's see how this very special episode of "The Hills" went down. Please continue to read with sarcastic tones.Why does "Steve Sanders" talk to Heidi like he's in a 1950's drag-racing movie? He's very cartoon-like. The more I watch this, the more I think Heidi looks like Donna Martin (Tori Spelling). Steve Sanders and Donna Martin? So even after Lauren tells Heidi she can't stand Steve Sanders, Steve still buys Lauren some flowers (scripted). To switch things up a bit below are some questions the I have while watching:
- How many teeth does Audrina have? What's the normal amount? I feel like she has way more than she should.
- How come every time Whitney asks a question it looks like she forgets what she's saying halfway through?
- How come Jenn is in every episode now? I hope she doesn't get a spin-off.
- If Lauren was sick for the day could Christina Applegate fill in for her? Seamlessly.
- Can Audrina overheat due to wearing a winter hat in "the club?" That's danger.
- Can they show the "Hollywood" sign 15 more times? Yeah, we get it. California.
- If they talk about the flowers that Steve Sanders got Heidi that he ended up giving to Audrina I am no longer watching The Hills or MTV for that matter.
- How many personal calls can Heidi take at work in one day? Is there a quota?
- When did the Lauren get a cat? How many more times can she toss it around?
- Was the fight between Lauren and Heidi the first non-scripted moment of the season?
- Will Heidi and Lauren remain friends? Yes. Their reality show careers depend on it.
Ashlee Simpson: Officially a Pilgrim
With Thanksgiving 9-months away, Ashlee Simpson wastes no time with her tribute to the pilgrims. In actual Ashlee Simpson news, Ashlee continues to make choices that may cause an increase in the deafening of Americans and citizens of the world. Ashlee had to recently turn down the role of Meryl Streep's daughter in the film version of the ABBA musical "Mama Mia" because she is too busy recording her new album that she will be lipsynching to soon. Oh, and bonus points for digging deep in the joke bag for a good old "Ashlee Simpson lipsynching joke."
This really is like "Sophie's Choice" for Ashlee. I have to say her turning down the film is a real win for movie go'ers everywhere, but working on a new album is a major blow to music listeners everywhere. This, my friends, is what I call a "catch 22." Now, I don't use that phrase in the correct way, but either way someone is getting the shiz end of the stick. Wait, is that called a "crap shoot?" Either way, Ashlee should only be photographed and never listened to. I'm just kidding (no I'm not). Ashlee, call me. Just kidding (no I'm not). You can sing and act all you want (no you can't).
Lindsay Looks Like an ASStronaut
Hahaha my bad jokes kill me. Anyway, Lindsay, fresh out of rehab (quitter), was getting right back on that horse and heading back to her stripper classes to prepare for her new movie. How much is it to go to stripper school I wonder? I would assume similar pricing to getting your Masters Degree. Lindsay is not only channeling an astronaut, but is also one light breeze away from flashing a little cameltoe.
Since Lindsay has left rehab it is rumored that she is trying to rebuild her relationship with her dad who is in the slammer. Since her dad hasn't seen her in a while maybe she is on her way to show her dad her Halloween costume from last year? I mean the possibilities are endless.
Billionaire Olsen Can't Afford Clothes
Mary-Kate-Michelle-Olsen-Tanner was out shopping in Beverly Hills in her Muppet-fur coat and white/grey fright wig. She made sure to wear her best pants (?), you know, the ones with the holes in them. Sexy. I don't want to say too much, but notice how the holes are right around the knee area? Michelle Tanner has been "busy" if ya know what I mean, and I think ya do. How is it that you can be a billionaire, yet still wear clothes that have unintentional holes in them? I mean, I'm only a millionaire and even I toss out a shirt when it gets its 5th hole in the elbow.This brings me to the Olsen question of the day: What Would DJ Tanner Do? So, what would DJ do in this situation? I think she would be too afraid to tell Danny that she ripped her pants and would end up shoplifting another pair of pants at the mall. Later she would feel guilty about it and try to return them with the help of Kimmy Gibbler, but would get caught ditching school and the principal would find the stolen pants. What? Is that just me?
Olsen Wears What?
Toni Braxton Gets Star, Raises Money
While I typically tee-off on Toni Braxton, I actually have some nice news to report. I know, crazy right? Toni Braxton finally received her "star" on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and also used this opportunity to continue to raise awareness on Autism. While she looks like she may be standing next to Britney Spears, Toni is holding a check for Autism Research and Awareness in the amount of $2,500. Really? $2500? Don't get me wrong, I mean, any donations will certainly help the cause, but all they could come up with was $2500. Isn't she famous? Wasn't she famous? A little girl going door-to-door with a can could have raised more money than that. If anything, hopefully this low amount will encourage some readers out there to donate a bit more to make that amount grow.Check out this site if you are interested in donating: AutismSpeaks.org
Monday, February 19, 2007
...In Other News...
On this President's Day make sure you give the president a hug if you see him. I think that's what your supposed to do on this day. Not too sure.
~ Britney is in a Jan Brady Sorta Disguise ~ DListed
~ Mariah Does Brown...All Over ~ MollyGood
~ If You're Gonna Be Famous, Burn Your College Photos ~ CelebritySmack
~ Oprah Does Ellen (not literally) ~ PopBytes
~ Ray Liotta Plays "DUI 2.0" ~ EvilBeet
~ Mary Kate Olsen is Fury and Homeless ~ NinjaDude
~ The Jolie-Pitt's are Party Animals in New Orleans ~ GossipOrTruth
~ Tyra Loves Her and Her Triple Fat Goose ~ GabSmash
~ Justin and Cameron Reunited and It Feels So Good? ~ TheBosh
~ Britney is in a Jan Brady Sorta Disguise ~ DListed
~ Mariah Does Brown...All Over ~ MollyGood
~ If You're Gonna Be Famous, Burn Your College Photos ~ CelebritySmack
~ Oprah Does Ellen (not literally) ~ PopBytes
~ Ray Liotta Plays "DUI 2.0" ~ EvilBeet
~ Mary Kate Olsen is Fury and Homeless ~ NinjaDude
~ The Jolie-Pitt's are Party Animals in New Orleans ~ GossipOrTruth
~ Tyra Loves Her and Her Triple Fat Goose ~ GabSmash
~ Justin and Cameron Reunited and It Feels So Good? ~ TheBosh
Even As a Cartoon, Britney is a Bad Mother
Mix up two of my favorite things, (1) Britney Spears "bad mother jokes" and (2) The Family Guy, and you really get a recipe for success in my eyes. Last nights new episode of The Family Guy tackled the "Britney Spears may not be a great mother" concept. Brilliant! Even "cartoon Britney Spears" is a bad mother. It was good to see her with one of her children, though, even if it was via animation only.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Next to The Soup, The Family Guy is the funniest show on television and has been the funniest show on television since it's debut in 1999. Genius.
Tara Reid Looks Normal, World Implodes
While it was freezing in Boston this weekend, Tara Reid was sunning it up in Santa Barbara and actually looking normal. While most people are happy that Tara Reid is really turning herself around I find it disappointing. It's hard for me to be funny when Tara isn't falling down, drunk, or falling down drunk. I guess it is good to see Tara looking normal again. What happened to that crazy stomach that she use to have? Even that's gone (insert sad music). Ok, I must go now and find a celebrity who is currently in "train-wreck" mode. I wonder what Britney Spears is up to?
When J Lo Cries, I Cry
I had reported last week (with my award winning journalism) that the reviews for Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx latest film, "Bordertown" were not the best. Now the pictures have surfaced of Saint Jennifer at the showing of her film at the Berlin Film Festival as she awaited the audience reaction. After the film was shown there was limited applause and even some "boo's." Yeah, the last picture ain't so pretty. Actually, it's looking a little "Celine Dion" to me. Poor J. Glow. Ugly chin up, Jennifer. You are still rich after all, right? And being rich solves most problems, doesn't it? Wait, it does right? Please tell me it does.
Just remember this, J. Glow:
Just remember this, J. Glow:
When you laugh, I laugh.
When you cry, I cry.
When you sing in Spanish, I sing in Spanish.
When you succeed, I succeed.
When you fail, I...well, I don't fail.
On behalf of movie watchers everywhere, please stop making movies. Please just quit cold-turkey. Try taking up pottery classes or even knitting or something. That can be just as rewarding.
Tom Brady to be a Baby Daddy
Uh-oh, someone is knocked up! Looks like Bridget Moynahan is "with child" and the baby daddy is none other than Tom Brady (insert "Brady Bunch" joke here____). Moynahan's rep has confirmed to Multiple Persons Magazine that she is "with child" and has been for over 3-months. Well, this is just further proof what Moynahan was the reason that we never made it to the Super Bowl this year. Thanks again Bridget.
Tom Brady and Bridget are no longer dating, but Tom has recently been linked to supermodel Gisele. While Tom Brady could not be reached for comment I can imagine he is screaming into a pillow as we speak. Seriously, he lands a supermodel and is now going to be the father of his ex-girlfriend's baby. That totally is playing the slot machine and getting "cherry, cherry.......skull and cross bones." Oh well. Best of luck. I'm sure this won't pose a problem for your relationship with Gisele.
Tom Brady and Bridget are no longer dating, but Tom has recently been linked to supermodel Gisele. While Tom Brady could not be reached for comment I can imagine he is screaming into a pillow as we speak. Seriously, he lands a supermodel and is now going to be the father of his ex-girlfriend's baby. That totally is playing the slot machine and getting "cherry, cherry.......skull and cross bones." Oh well. Best of luck. I'm sure this won't pose a problem for your relationship with Gisele.
L. Lo Finishes Rehab, Celebrates at Club
Lindsay No Pants had checked out of Wonderland Rehab (just days after Mike Tyson checked in...coincidence?) and celebrated by hitting the club scene! Yeah, that seems safe. Isn't that kinda like having a level-3 sex offender child molester work in a school? Now I'm not comparing Lindsay to a child molester, even though she sometimes dresses like one, I'm just comparing her situation. It is reported that "Lindsay No to Alcohol" Lohan will continue treatment, but more on an out-patient basis. I wonder if Mike Tyson became her bitch while they were both staying at Wonderland? Do you think they gave each other nicknames and braided each others hair like they do on MTV's Juvies?
Saturday, February 17, 2007
MTV The Hills: Lauren Gets "Outinterned!"
Let's face it, if you miss an episode of "The Hills" when it originally airs, MTV will show it to you again around 15 times (minimum) over the weekend. Since I missed last weeks episode, I realllllly got to get all caught up this weekend.
The episode begins with Heidi calling up Steve Sanders and yelling at him after she finds out that he brought Heidi's roses to Audrina. This potentially was the worst fight I've seen....not because it was intense, but because Heidi is a terrible "fighter." She sorta yells and sorta asks questions. She sorta sucks.
Enter my favorite person on The Hills....Lisa Loveless, "The Boss" at Teen Vogue. There's a big dinner that Lisa Loveless is planning and since Lauren can't plan a dinner on her own, she is having an intern from NYC fly out to LA to help out Lauren. Well, it's not so much as she is there to "help" as this is really my 7th favorite scripted moment of the season. Lisa Loveless won't allow Lauren to write out the invitations because she has poor penmanship. Therefore Lauren is forced to figure out how to type. Seriously, Lisa Loveless looks at Lauren like she is about to fall off her chair at any moment.
Moving on, the new "Super Intern," Emily, enters LA. Personally, I like how she walks into the office and says hello and then immediately gets to work. The look on Lauren's face is priceless. She makes it seem like she has never worked a day in her life. Oh wait, she hasn't. Oh, and is it weird that Emily the Super Intern knows a little too much about flowers, even though she goes to school at NYU full time, interns, and works part-time at Chanel? You know Lauren is thinking, "Wow that's a lot. I just film a reality show." Anyway, the "dinner party" goes down without a hitch, but the only person that Lisa Loveless allowed to stay for dinner was Emily the Super Intern. Lauren and Whitney were told to get the hell out. They ended up eating hamburgers in their car. Awesome.
The episode ends with Heidi getting into Steve Sanders car and they drive away. Da-da-duuuun. What will happen? Who cares. Ok, so I'll tune in next week to find out. Damn MTV!
For me, "The Hills Question of the Week" is: "Does Whitney know that she is speaking....outloud....and people can hear her?"
Britney Spears is Bald & Back From Rehab
Britney Spears is bald and back from rehab baby, yeah! Yup, that's a sentence that I never thought I'd say. Britney allegedly checked herself into a Caribbean rehab, but then checked herself out just 24 hours later. What, you can be cured in 24 hours, right? The rehab facility that Britney "gave a good shot" was Eric Clapton's Crossroads Rehab in Antigua. Ironic that it was called "Crossroads." I mean she just won't stop trying to plug that movie. Britney apparently didn't like this facility so she checked herself out and headed back to LA. According to one eyewitness who was on the plane with Britney, she didn't even fly first class. She just boarded the plane last and sat in the last row by the bathroom and was very friendly to people who walked by, but wouldn't take any pictures.
Once back in LA, Britney "headed" for the tattoo shop "Body and Soul" and Sherman Oaks to get a tattoo of a pair of red and pink lips on her wrist (uh, ok), but things took a turn for the worse when Britney began to shave her head...herself. Seriously? Insane. Like, not "oh that's funny and cookey" insane, but more like, "oh you're about two days away from being put into a straitjacket...or appearing on MTV's Juvies."
My sister has always had this theory that once someone makes a ridiculous amount of money you just go crazy. I mean, she also thinks that people who are filthy rich will eventually burn in hell for having so much money, but I digress.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Saint Jennifer Lopez a Scientologist?
Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx may need a name change because the rumor police are telling us that Jennifer Lopez and petite husband, Marc Anthony, are in the process of becoming full-on Scientologists....da-da-duuuun! Allegedly, Marc Anthony is already taking his "purifcation classes" which I can only assume will make him look less oily. Actually, the purification consists of a sauna that "cures" all illnesses. Uh, yeah...that's actually just called a sauna. No "purification" needed. I hope this isn't true as I don't want to be forced to rename Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx to "Xenu Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx." It just doesn't have the same ring to it.
In other J Glow news, her film "Bordertown" has received less than stellar reviews. One critic even called it, "several sprockets short of a real film." Ouch. Instead of "Bordertown" they should just name it "Gigli 2: The Bronx Boogaloo." The above photos were taken at the promotion of "Bordertown" at the 57th Berlin International Film Festival.
Source and Source and Source
Paris is a Slutty Disney Character
At no point did I ever think that I would use "Paris Hilton" and "Disney" in the same sentence, unless of course I was reporting that Paris was caught having sex on Space Mountain. However, since that isn't the case, Paris is officially a slutty/trashy Disney Character. Her and this Disney character share very similar traits, which include: (1) the same Disney dress, (2) the same wonky eye, (3) the same fake hair, (4) the same purse with pills and weed in there, and (5) same anorexic arms.Paris was at the Vienna Opera Ball the other night and was trying to class up her image. However that image won't be lasting long as Paris is resting up for her birthday booze-fest party at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Vegas (baby!) this Saturday.
While Paris was spending some time in Austria before "the ball" she, of course, went to the mall, but had to be taken away via a security guard after people in the mall started throwing trash at her. Throwing trash at trash? Seems pointless. I'm glad the security guard was there to help her because I've never seen trash take itself out before. Ok, that's all for my bad trash puns. I'd tell more, but the rest are garbage. Ohhhh! Stop me if you heard this one! Don't forget to tip your waitress. Try the veal! I love playing the main room!
Who Said Trash!?!
MTV's TRL to Stay Put. I Resubmit Resume
In a situation worse than Ross and Rachel's "will they or won't they" MTV rumors continue to flip-flop over what will happen to TRL. Now the only reason I'm still talking about this is because sources at MTV have informed me that while much of what I've written in the past is true, the one about TRL is not true and, for the time being, TRL will remain on the air. Sweet. Do I watch it? No. Will I send my resume to replace Vanessa Minnillo? Sure. What? I could replace her. She can date Nick and I'll date Jessica.
I didn't know that many of the folks over at MTV read ImBringingBloggingBack, but apparently they do. While they won't leave comments here, as they would like to protect their identity, they did send me a few emails. They requested that I don't use their names and, luckily, I'm not that much of an A-hole so I decided to keep them anonymous. Oh, but I did get one email from an MTV staffer who emailed just to tell me I was an idiot. That was sweet.
Look at me with "secret sources!" I'm like an actual reporter. Well, not so much a "reporter" as I am a "jackass." Same thing though, right?
So, MTV, I am ready to accept my assignment over at 1515 Broadway. Please see my professional profile right here, click here, yeah right here. As you can see it is very professional. I'll start Monday. See you then.
I didn't know that many of the folks over at MTV read ImBringingBloggingBack, but apparently they do. While they won't leave comments here, as they would like to protect their identity, they did send me a few emails. They requested that I don't use their names and, luckily, I'm not that much of an A-hole so I decided to keep them anonymous. Oh, but I did get one email from an MTV staffer who emailed just to tell me I was an idiot. That was sweet.
Look at me with "secret sources!" I'm like an actual reporter. Well, not so much a "reporter" as I am a "jackass." Same thing though, right?
So, MTV, I am ready to accept my assignment over at 1515 Broadway. Please see my professional profile right here, click here, yeah right here. As you can see it is very professional. I'll start Monday. See you then.
...In Other News...
Mischa Barton shows off her new cart in front of the homeless making them feel even worse than they already do. Nobody likes a bragger, Mischa, nobody.~ Justin Timberlake Tells Someone to Stop Being a Drunk ~ CelebritySmack
~ Eminem's Wife Tried to Take a Dirt Nap ~ Yeeeah!
~ NASCAR Confuses Me Too ~ ThatGuy
~ Lilly Allen Lost, Bad, I Mean Real Bad ~ MollyGood
~ Is Jim Carrey Crazy, But Not in the Good Way? ~ DListed
~ God Bless Body Paint ~ HollyScoop
~ Britney Wants to Call You, Really. ~ EvilBeet
~ Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra. Oh, and Tyra. ~ NinjaDude
~ Is Taylor Hicks a Skunk Head Diva? ~ PopBytes
~ Kim Kardashian With Retro Cameltoe ~ GossipOrTruth
Anna Nicole Watch: Is This a Skit?
Is it just me or is watching the Anna Nicole "news" coverage kinda like a skit? I sorta feel like I'm watching something on SNL, where Chris Farley would be playing Virgie - Anna Nicole's mother. I was surprised when they allowed cameras into the "court room" that looked more like a conference room. The judge in this case is throwing out one-liner "zingers" left and right and he's way to relaxed during the case. He literally is sitting way back, slouched down, in his chair. During the lunch break the judge requested that a swab be taken on the inside of Anna Nicole's mouth for a DNA sample. Seriously, this is like a complete free-for-all. There's no way I can keep up. It's almost like going to one of those horrible murder mystery dinners. That's totally what it's like.So, here is my Anna Nicole Question of the Day: Um, can you mourn the death of someone when you are constantly on the Today Show, Good Morning America, ET, Access Hollywood, CNN, Larry King, Extra, Sabado Gigante, etc? It must be hard to mourn when you have hired a camera crew to follow you around. I don't know, maybe that's just me. TrimSpa baby!
ScarJo Does Boston, Doesn't Do Justin
Scarlett Johansson was in Boston yesterday to receive her Hasty Pudding award for "Woman of the Year." In typical Hasty Pudding fashion, ScarJo was surrounded guys in drag and people dressed up as bananas, apples, grapes, and oranges. Wait, that's normal right? ScarJo was then brought into Hasting Hall to receive her award and her "roast." The roast wasn't too funny, although they did bring out the picture of her on the cover of Vanity Fair (naked) and they all reenacted the pose. Sorta funny, but was let down that ScarJo kept on her clothes. Tease.Later, ScarJo was asked repeatedly about her possible relationship with Justin Timberlake (have you heard of him?) to which she replied, "I did a music video of his and we have some common friends. Is there really any more to say?"
Uh, yeah. That actually doesn't answer the question. I actually know someone who knows someone who knows Scarlett Johansson. Does that mean we get to be friends too?
Airbrushed or Not, Jessica is Back
Yeah, so I don't really care that there isn't any Jessica Simpson news going on right now. I mean, I could make some up, but why bother? The point is, is that Jessica is on the cover of the latest Elle Magazine and even on a few pages on the inside too. I'm glad I finally get to say again that she looks HOT. It's been way to long since anyone was really able to say that. Now, I don't care that someone probably airbrushed the piss out of all the pictures. I just care that she looks hot again. I hate to admit this, but I will say in these photos she is hotter than Ashlee. I know, I know, I change my mind so often. I'm hoping to be able to invent something in which I can actually airbrush a live person. Basically, I just want to go up to someone who isn't so hot, airbrush them, and make her look like Jessica Simpson. Now don't anyone try to invent this before me. I've just patented it. Good luck.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
...In Other News...
Pammy Pants Anderson Lee Hep C Rock was finished partying with Cameron Diaz at Slaters 35th Birthday Fiesta at Mercedes Grill last night. Yup, I don't know what 6 of those words meant. Pam is looking HOT!~ Buy Mariah's Legs and Stay Disease Free! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Kerri Russell Gets Pregnant and Then Married ~ DListed
~ J Lo Trots the Globe ~ HollyScoop
~ Beyonce Still Loves Her Jelly Even with the Peanut Butter Scare ~ MollyGood
~ Katie Holmes is a Man Baby, Yeeeah! ~ Yeeeah!
~ Brangelina in Trouble? ~ PopBytes
~ Joe Rogan is Banned From Ever Being Funny Again...Again ~ NinjaDude
~ Faith Hill Gets Her Arse Robbed! ~ Gabsmash
~ Britney Just Needs a Little Love, That's All ~ TheBosh
~ Ugly Betty to Get Ugly Married ~ PoponthePop
~ What is Tim Hardaway Really Trying to Say? ~ ThatGuy
~ Kerri Russell Gets Pregnant and Then Married ~ DListed
~ J Lo Trots the Globe ~ HollyScoop
~ Beyonce Still Loves Her Jelly Even with the Peanut Butter Scare ~ MollyGood
~ Katie Holmes is a Man Baby, Yeeeah! ~ Yeeeah!
~ Brangelina in Trouble? ~ PopBytes
~ Joe Rogan is Banned From Ever Being Funny Again...Again ~ NinjaDude
~ Faith Hill Gets Her Arse Robbed! ~ Gabsmash
~ Britney Just Needs a Little Love, That's All ~ TheBosh
~ Ugly Betty to Get Ugly Married ~ PoponthePop
~ What is Tim Hardaway Really Trying to Say? ~ ThatGuy
Tyra Banks Steals Beyonce's Thunder
There would be no way that I could love Tyra Banks any more than I do. I don't know if she knows how insane she is and I love me some crazies. What better way to celebrate Beyonce making the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition than to have Tyra make it all about her and toss on the bikini that she wore on the cover from 10 years ago. Great idea! Way to make it all about you! I have to admit that Tyra still looks good in that bikini, although they did have to add some extra material to the bikini since Tyra admits she's about 20 pounds heavier than 10 years ago when she wore it last.
Ok Tyra we get it. You've gained a little weight. Fine. We get it. You like to put on old bathing suits that you were photographed in. We get it. You want people to stop saying your fat. We get it. However, it's either going to be fat or crazy. Now I never thought you were fat, but I've always thought you were a little crazy, but in a good way. You know, the way that you see that one lady talking to herself as she crosses the street and you assume she's on her cell phone...but she isn't. She doesn't even have that bluetooth thing. She's just talking to herself. You want to know what she's saying, but you can't really make out the mumbles. Then she smiles...to herself. Then she continues talking to herself. Yeah, you're kinda like her.
Check out more of Tyra in her 10 year old bikini on a very special Monday episode of the Tyra Banks Show. Check your local listings. I'm not going to do it for you.
Xtina Sings Like a Truck Driver
Christina Agueirjkasla has come a real long way from singing "Genie in a Bottle." I mean a REAL long way. She's actually come a real long way from singing "Dirrty." Dirrty was "sweet" next to a certain unreleased track that Xtina recorded "for fun." What is the song, you ask? Good question. The song is titled, "F*ck You, Suck You." Sweet, right? Yes, that is her ode to oral sex. While Xtina was asked about this at the Grammy Awards she stated:
"We recorded it one night over whiskey in the studio. It's completely breathy. Linda Perry wanted to put it out under someone else's name. But I play it when I have my friends over when we've had one too many and start rolling around the floor with each other."
Wait. Stop the press. Girls really do this? They really drink and roll around on the floor together? I mean, I always assumed they had pillow fights, but this is a whole new level. Anyhow, it's good to see she's not wasting time or money in the studio.
P.S - Can I be invited to the next sleepover?
Who Said What About What!?!
Mariah Carey is London's Next Top Model
Congratulations, Mariah, you're still in the running towards becoming London's next...top...model. Well, close enough. Mariah Carey has become the new face of "Pinko" - a London-inspired fashion brand. Mariah has said about this deal:
"I'm really flattered to have been asked to be the new face of Pinko. I first discovered this spectacular fashion house while working in Italy, in my favourite place in the world, the Isle of Capri, while recording my latest CD The Emancipation Of Mimi. I immediately became a huge fan of the brand, and I bought almost everything in the store. So as you can imagine, when I was approached about doing the Pinko campaign I was beyond excited. The clothes are so stylish and fun, and I'm really looking forward to our new venture together."
Yeah, it's going to be a real treat. I am predicting that Mariah will be sued for gaining weight by the company or she'll be cutting their clothes in order to make them shorter and tighter. I mean, it's a real toss up at this point. Be prepared to see Mariah's gigantic forehand in over 750 stores across the globe. Also, be prepared to see Mariah's gigantic globes. I wonder how psyched Mariah will be once she finds out that "Pinko" clothes are cameltoe free? I bet she'll bail and head right to Target.
Victoria Beckham Tells You What to Buy
Poshtoria is such a helpful robot/person, similar to Rosie from The Jetsons. Poshtoria has taken to her blog again to give some helpful tips on what to buy the special guy and/or girl in your life this Valentine's Day season. Let's take a Posh Peek into what she has to say:
For her:
A personalised iPod or i-pod shuffle loaded up with her favourite songs in red!
A Tiffany celebration ring.
A pair of red healed shoes by Christian Louboutin.
Name a star for someone.
Agent Provocateur game.
Thin fresh water pearl bracelet with ribbon.
Name a rose after her!
A candle-lit bath with petals.
A large bouquet of red blooded roses.
A romantic weekend in Paris for two.
Tiger Lily tea lights.
A Day at a spa followed by Dinner.
Net a porter vouchers.
A Giambattista Valli evening dress.
Intimately Beckham perfume.
Theatre tickets.
A new vacuum cleaner!
For Him:
Flying lesson.
Love tokens.
Intimately David Beckham Massage oil.
Tickets to see his favourite band of football game.
Personalised football history book.
Ice hotel weekend break.
A Massage.
Intimately David Beckham Aftershave.
A personally-engraved watch.
Nose hair trimmers.
A pair of Garden Shears!
My personal favorites, of course, are the "ideas" that Poshtoria came up with that are products that she and her husband sell. Oh, by the way Posh, this is America. If you tell a guy to get a girl a vacuum and he gets it for her, he'll wind up dead. I would never get a girl a vacuum. Wait, is Poshtoria a terrorist?
Posh Says Who!?!
For her:
A personalised iPod or i-pod shuffle loaded up with her favourite songs in red!
A Tiffany celebration ring.
A pair of red healed shoes by Christian Louboutin.
Name a star for someone.
Agent Provocateur game.
Thin fresh water pearl bracelet with ribbon.
Name a rose after her!
A candle-lit bath with petals.
A large bouquet of red blooded roses.
A romantic weekend in Paris for two.
Tiger Lily tea lights.
A Day at a spa followed by Dinner.
Net a porter vouchers.
A Giambattista Valli evening dress.
Intimately Beckham perfume.
Theatre tickets.
A new vacuum cleaner!
For Him:
Flying lesson.
Love tokens.
Intimately David Beckham Massage oil.
Tickets to see his favourite band of football game.
Personalised football history book.
Ice hotel weekend break.
A Massage.
Intimately David Beckham Aftershave.
A personally-engraved watch.
Nose hair trimmers.
A pair of Garden Shears!
My personal favorites, of course, are the "ideas" that Poshtoria came up with that are products that she and her husband sell. Oh, by the way Posh, this is America. If you tell a guy to get a girl a vacuum and he gets it for her, he'll wind up dead. I would never get a girl a vacuum. Wait, is Poshtoria a terrorist?
Posh Says Who!?!
MTV What's Going On? Is TRL Gone? Are U?
Rumors have been flying for a while now that Viacom is slashing 250 jobs, some of which may include higher level execs at MTV and some MTV programming. Sadly, the rumors also entail that TRL is getting the ax (as I had reported like a month ago...good for me, right?). I am only saddened by this as my dreams of being an MTV VJ will be axed with the show.
Jossip.com is claiming that they heard from multiple sources that TRL has been canceled. While CMJ.com has reported that MTV network spokesman, David Bittler, has said, "Some of the staff have been let go from positions within those networks, but those networks will continue. And from the consumer's point of view, there will be no changes to the programming on those networks or on [TRL]."
Ok, well that clears it up right? Yeah, didn't think so. Well now the pressure is on David Bittler. As Larry Birkhead's lawyer said in a press conference about Anna Nicole as she looked and pointed directly into the camera, "I'm talking to you Anna Nicole!" Ok, so, "I'm talking to David Bittler." You better not be lying or there is a good chance your pants will catch on fire just like the wise song says (Liar Liar Pants on Fire).
I mean the bottom line, really, is - "So do I get a VJ job or what?" Ok, let me know later. Clean up this mess first. I like an organized work environment.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Anna Nicole Watch: Anna Would've Shot You if You Fed Her Baby
According to documents obtained by TMZ, the former nanny of Anna Nicole's baby has a document that contains a ton of horrible allegations about Anna. What do those include? Good question. Let's see if this covers it:
- Anna told the nanny not to feed Danielynn too much because she wanted her baby to be sexy (no more than 2.5 ounces of food)
- Anna would shoot the nanny if she fed her too much
- Anna Nicole had attempted to commit suicide on two occasions - (1) trying to drowned herself in her pool and (2) by downing a whole bottle of sleeping aid
- When Anna woke up from her comma her first words were, "I wanted to die...I meant to kill myself." - Good thing she kept at it. No one likes a quitter.
- Anna had a sexual relationship with the Bahamian Minster of Immigration
- Howard K Stern was quoted as having said after Anna tried to kill herself, "If anything happens to you, I would go to jail." -Um, you still might.
Nice work Inspector Gadget TMZ! If this is true, I wonder how Anna is liking hell? I wonder if they sell TrimSpa, baby (!!) at the hell convenience store? I don't think what she was doing was really that bad. I mean, who doesn't want their 2-month old baby to look sexy. Duh! You like my body? TrimSpa baby!
Janet Jackson Clearly Hasn't Been to the Supermarket Since 1973
Sometimes it's a complete stereotype that the rich and famous are out of touch with reality. Sometimes it's dead-on accurate though. Janet Jackson seems to have lost touch with reality right around 1973 apparently. Miss Jackson (because I'm nasty) was hanging out with Missy Elliot a little while back when the two decided to run to the supermarket, late night, to grab some food. Janet said:
"It's so funny because I haven't set foot in a grocery store in years, you know. And that's so embarrassing. A few years back Missy and I were hanging out. "It was so late at night, and we went to the grocery store - this is when I still lived in Malibu - and I hadn't been in a grocery store in so long. I kept going, 'What's this?' "First of all I had the cart and I was riding down the aisles standing on it. And there's nobody there but us. And we got in the checkout. And I'm seeing this square thing, and I'm like, 'What's this you guys?' "And Missy just looked at me. And they said, 'That's so you can use your credit card.' And I said, 'You can use your credit cards in grocery stores now?' "And Missy cracked up laughing. She thought it was the funniest thing. I didn't know!"
Seriously? Yeah, that actually isn't as funny as it is scary. It's times like this when I stop feeling bad for celebrities who have money "secretly taken from them" by the people who work for them. I mean, who doesn't know what a credit card machine looks like? I should let Janet know that there are also men who drive dirty yellow cars around and they're called, "cabs" or even "taxis." Also, there are places that force you to throw money into a bucket in order to keep on driving. These places are called "toll booths." Jeesh.
Who Said That!?!
Be My Valentine Harriet Carter!
Are you kidding? You know how psyched I was when I realized that Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday would take place directly on Valentine's Day! So, therefore, Harriet Carter is officially my Valentine, but she can be yours too! Let's go!Product # 1 (repeat) So what does Harriet have up her sleeve for this Valentine's Day? Ladies, did you ever want to dip your stanky putanky in chocolate? Gentlemen, have you have wanted to place your junk in dark chocolate? Well you're in luck because now you can have your naughty bits wrapped in chocolaty goodness thanks to Harriet Carter's Chocolate Thong. Just picturing Harriet in her chocolate thong did make me throw up in my mouth a little......oooops there it is again. Ok, I'm back. If we look at these thongs it actually says on the thong for the dude, "I have a heart on for you," and for the ladies the thong says, "Eat your heart out." Just think about how sexy that's going to be once things start to heat up in the bedroom. Nothing is hotter to see on a chick than melted chocolate around her ass. "Honey, is that melted chocolate or have you just shit yourself?" Hot, I know! I realllly like it to look like actual crap all over her body. What would happen if an old lady wore this? Do you think the chances are greater that it actually is crap on her ass? Yes, I age discriminate. Thanks Harriet for slutting up the holidays like never before!
Product # 2 - With a snowstorm facing many of us in the Northeast today, I only found it fitting to focus on the "front steps rug." Yes, rug. I mean nothing looks as white trash as an actual rug, that belongs inside your house, outside of your house. I guess it's supposed to be safe on the ice, but I don't buy it. I mean, it may cushion your fall as you trip over that and fall down the stairs but is it really safe? And, what are you supposed to do when actual snow gets on it? Do you go out and shovel the rug? I say you should just vacuum the snow off of it. Don't worry about the electrocution...it'll just keep you warm during that cold winter day. In typical Harriet Carter style, the pictures couldn't be more dramatic. Whose stairs actually get that icy? Seriously, that's like 15 inches of ice on each step. Ridiculous. Even Santa's front stairs aren't that icy. Thanks for white-trashing up the neighborhood Harriet!
Product # 3 - Are you looking to hit a new level of "cheap?" Of course you are! What are you planning on getting your kids for Valentine's Day? How about half of the piano they've been begging for? Sure! Imagine how excited your kids are going to be when you yell out, "honey go play the table!" Seriously? What crap. You literally basically "play the table." This roll-away piano pad from hell doesn't even plug in. It takes 3 AAA batteries. And what the hell are those notes for? Is that supposed to be "sound" coming out of the piano? Do the kids know this isn't technically a cartoon piano, right? Wait. Maybe this is a brilliant invention! No one ever ends up playing the piano for that long and the piano just collects dust. Now with this roll up piano when your kids don't play it anymore you can simply just roll up the piano and beat your kids with it! Brilliant!
Well, happy Harriet Carter Valentine's Day!
Britney Seen with Kids, Rabbi Pissed
I figured that since I also seem to comment that Britney is never seen with her kids, that I should be fair and comment on when she is seen with her kids. Britney was packing up her crap in NYC and heading like a bat outta hell to the airport. The trailer must miss her. Now don't get me wrong, she is seen with her kids. I know that. I just don't know if she knows that. Do you think she's wondering who's in the car with her? I bet she tried to bum some cigarettes off of them.In actual Britney news, a Rabbi is PISSED at Britney. He's so mad that he wrote an open letter to her saying that her recent hijinx will scar her children. NYC Rabbi Shmuley Boteach stated:
"Once you become a parent, Britney, life gets really serious...We can all pretend that life is one big party devoid of responsibility. And rarely being home, or coming home drunk, or letting your kids see you in a degraded state, will permanently scar your kids...Soon your boys will be surfing the Internet. They'll see a lot of photos of you in poses that no son should ever see their own mother. Try and be home with your kids...Cover up...Limit the visits to the nightclubs."
Wow, and I thought what I write is hurtful. I just hope that one day when her boys are surfing the Internet and find her pictures that they find ImBringingBloggingBack and write me a nice letter. I'll keep my fingers crossed....that Britney will never keep her legs crossed. What? You know that's not going to happen.
Rabbi Says What?
...In Other News...
~ Beyonce Makes the Cover of Photoshopped Illustrated ~ CelebritySmack
~ Reason #4543 Why Sharon Stone is Crazy ~ DListed
~ Are Nick and Vanessa Over? ~ GossipOrTruth
~ Heather Mills to Hobble With the Stars? ~ HollyScoop
~ Kelly Clarkson Has a NASCAR Boyfriend? ~ GabSmash
~ Michael Jackson May Appear on Idol ~ MollyGood
~ Will Brad and Angelina Make It? Will the World Implode? ~ The Bosh
~ More Anna Nicole News ~ EvilBeet
~ Paula Abdul Has Never Been Drunk ~ Yeeeah!
~ Nicky Hilton Gets Sued ~ NinjaDude
~ Reason #4543 Why Sharon Stone is Crazy ~ DListed
~ Are Nick and Vanessa Over? ~ GossipOrTruth
~ Heather Mills to Hobble With the Stars? ~ HollyScoop
~ Kelly Clarkson Has a NASCAR Boyfriend? ~ GabSmash
~ Michael Jackson May Appear on Idol ~ MollyGood
~ Will Brad and Angelina Make It? Will the World Implode? ~ The Bosh
~ More Anna Nicole News ~ EvilBeet
~ Paula Abdul Has Never Been Drunk ~ Yeeeah!
~ Nicky Hilton Gets Sued ~ NinjaDude
Victoria Beckham Has Ghostboobitis
There are many diseases out there, but nothing is more tragic for a celebrity to suffer from than Ghostboobitis. The symptoms are visible and really are evident when light flashes at them. Poor Victoria Beckham has recently been diagnosed (by me) of having Ghostboobitis. Scary.
Poshtoria was in NYC recently having some lunch for friends (Scary and Baby?) and then did a little shopping on 5th Ave. I wonder if she bought a shirt that you can't see through? Perhaps she is proud of her Ghostboobitis? She should be.
I hope Ghostboobitis isn't contagious (well I kinda do) because according to a report in a British newspaper, Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx has recently stated she and Poshtoria are friends and she even takes fashion advice from her. Saint Jennifer said:
"It's true, we're two friends who share that passion. A while ago she came to my house to help me pick a dress for the Golden Globes. We had a great time and in the end we agreed on the black gown I wore. It was the best choice."
"It's true, we're two friends who share that passion. A while ago she came to my house to help me pick a dress for the Golden Globes. We had a great time and in the end we agreed on the black gown I wore. It was the best choice."
Really? Somehow I can't picture Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx allowing anyone to tell her anything about anything, ever.
My advice to J Lo? Be carefully or your Ghost Boobs will be next!
Can Fergie Spell "White Trash?"
Fergie was showing off her "dice nails" after she performed at the Justin Timberlake concert and she even almost accidentally showed a little glimpse of her "Fergie." Can she spell "white trash?" I only ask because she seems to spell out everything in all of her songs. She spells "fergilicious" and then in her other song she spells "glamorous." Yeah, we get it. You can spell. Do you think we can't? I mean, I can't, but most people can. Do you think we're dumb? Perhaps she is trying to compensate for losing at her 5th grade "spelling bee?" I hope her next song spells out white-trash. Here's to wishing.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Robbie Williams Enters Rehab
It has just been reported by CNN (really?) that British pop singer, Robbie Williams, has decided to enter into a US Rehab center for a dependency of prescription drugs. Seriously, rehab is the new bulimia. It seems like everyone is going. While they didn't say which rehab he was checking into, I can only hope it's Wonderland so that he can become friends with Lindsay and Mike Tyson. Perhaps this is just a clever way to film the newest season of The Surreal Life: Rehab Style.
Model Lisa d'Amato, who dated Robbie Williams at one time has said that he didn't drink, but basically needed a ton of antidepressants to get through the day. Really? Who doesn't?
Who Said That!?!
Model Lisa d'Amato, who dated Robbie Williams at one time has said that he didn't drink, but basically needed a ton of antidepressants to get through the day. Really? Who doesn't?
Who Said That!?!
Ashley Olsen Has OCD in Mexico
Ashley Olsen (of the famed, "Olsen Sluts") was sunning her bony little body while enjoying some downtime and vacationing in Mexico. Now, there is a chance that Ashley was enjoying some "adult beverages" because besides the Corona next to her she is actually smiling....yes, smiling. I'm glad she is enjoying some downtime. It must be tiring just being a billionaire. I know I'm exhausted from simply being a multi-millionaire.......sorry I just fell asleep.
Ashley has recently told Bliss Magazine that she has a little Obsessive Compulsive Disorder because she constantly has to rewash her face due to her fear of germs. I suspect that it's her way of trying to get the "Uncle Joey" kisses off of her from years past, but here's what Ashley had to say:
"I try to make sure my face is clean. I'm a bit obsessed with washing my face. I'll wash it, like, four times a day, which means I constantly have to redo my make-up."
...In Other News...
~ Jessica Simpson Looking Less Orange ~ CelebritySmack
~ Selma Blair Channels Sandy Duncan ~ DListed
~ Tara Reid Feels the Shame ~ Yeeeah!
~ Queen Latifah Won't Pull a Madonna or an Angelina ~ MollyGood
~ Post-Grammy Palooza ~ HollyScoop
~ Xtina Does Photoshopped Maxim ~ PopBytes
~ Britney Vomit-Rama ~ EvilBeet
~ Who Knew Methadone Actually Said "Methadone" One It? ~ NinjaDude
~ More Grammy Palooza ~ GabSmash
~ Why The Celtics Officially Suck...Yeah, I Said It ~ ThatGuy
~ Selma Blair Channels Sandy Duncan ~ DListed
~ Tara Reid Feels the Shame ~ Yeeeah!
~ Queen Latifah Won't Pull a Madonna or an Angelina ~ MollyGood
~ Post-Grammy Palooza ~ HollyScoop
~ Xtina Does Photoshopped Maxim ~ PopBytes
~ Britney Vomit-Rama ~ EvilBeet
~ Who Knew Methadone Actually Said "Methadone" One It? ~ NinjaDude
~ More Grammy Palooza ~ GabSmash
~ Why The Celtics Officially Suck...Yeah, I Said It ~ ThatGuy
Britney Thinks She's Fatty Fat Fat
According to British newspaper, News of the World, Isaac Cohen (sometimes real boyfriend, sometimes ex-boyfriend) has said that Britney would spend hours worrying that she was "too fat." Isaac would tell her that she was beautiful, but Britney would still worry. I wonder if Isaac said that when Britney was smoking butts on a yacht or getting out of her car with her "lady business" in full view? So, let me get this right...not only does Britney party for hours without seeing her kids, but now she spends hours worrying about her weight. Yeah, I have an idea, pick up your kids every now and then and you'll burn some calories. Give it a whirl and see what happens.
Isaac continued on by saying, "As far as I was concerned she was gorgeous, but she had such low self-esteem she sometimes wouldn't listen. She would say, 'Am I fat? Am I fat?' then spend hours dancing around the house trying to burn off calories...Other times she got so low she didn't care what she looked like."
Now, I actually totally believe that. The proof is in the pictures.
Lindsay Exits Bar Rehab, Keeps Handcuffs
Yeah so that title doesn't make a ton of sense, but it's all true. Lindsay was leaving the worlds best AA meeting that takes places at Red Rock on Sunset Blvd in West Hollywood, CA the other day. As she quickly stepped into her car the photographers made sure to get a good shot of her gold handcuffs that are kept in her car. I think that's a great way to be proactive (pun intended). I mean if you're eventually going to get arrested you might as well exit your vehicle already handcuffed so that the cops don't have to do it. What? I think it's respectful of their time. The funny part is that I was actually standing across the street when Lindsay was exiting Red Rock. Seriously, it is insane the number of paparazzi that were snapping pictures. You almost feel bad. What? I said almost. I mean, the gazillion dollars she makes I'm sure evens out the lack of privacy.
In other Lindsay No Pants news, Lindsay has reportedly purchased Marilyn Monroe's old two-bedroom apartment. Yeah, that's a good move. Karma is insane and I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. Lindsay's new rule should be not to do anything, think anything, or want anything that Anna Nicole has ever done, thought, or wanted...including anything that has to do with Marilyn Monroe.
Anna Nicole Watch: The Grandmother
That's right, I'm back! I saved some whales, sponsored Britney, opened a school for girls in a third world country, but am now back. Of course I leave on the day when the Anna Nicole news broke and as each day passed and the story got crazier I couldn't believe I didn't have my laptop. Oh well, that's whales for ya. So by now there is no reason to discuss the Anna Nicole death, but the cast of characters that are entering this story as each day passes...well the story basically writes itself.
So the latest in the twisted story is that Anna Nicole's mother, Virgie Arthur (seriously, what?), is saying that Howard K Stern is definitely not the baby's father. Hasn't she been estranged from Anna for years? How would she know if Howard was the father? Virgie (again, what?) has been "vacationing" in the Bahamas for the past few days and by "vacationing" I actually mean "crazy stalking the island until she can get a glimpse of little Danniellynn" and is petitioning for her to go to Larry Birkhead, whom she thinks is the real baby-daddy. Virgie is also saying that she doesn't want custody of the baby and she doesn't want any of the inheritance. Sure. Please, there is so much money on the line that I may toss my hat in the ring saying that I may be the baby's father. Stay tuned for more white-trash family fighting from life to the afterlife.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Harriet Carter Catalog is the Bible
Some people become Scientologists. I'm going to become a Carterologist or a Harriatholic. So happy Harriet Carter Wednesday, as always. This one is a little bitter sweet for me as this will be my last post of the week (insert sad music they play during the last 4 minutes of Full House). I will be traveling for work over the next few days and won't be back until Monday. I know, I know, dry your eyes. However, please note that I couldn't leave without providing you with a little Harriet Carter to get you through the next few days. Let's go!Product # 1 - Hey sexy! Look at you in that beautiful leopard caftan. Yes, caftan. Ladies, are you looking for that one special outfit that really makes you look like a runway model? Well this is it! Besides the fact that this "outfit" looks like the bed sheet at a whorehouse, it also looks like it would easily become flammable if the temperature at your house went above 72 degrees and a wind blew through the window. And look at those pretty shoes you can wear with it! Ok, is this lady for real? Do you think that she wants to take a "dirt nap" because this is what her career has come to...modeling caftans for Harriet Carter? For me, besides this flammable dress, my favorite is the description of this caftan. It actually says, "It's as pretty as it is comfortable." Yeah, well they're not lying. It's as ugly as sin so it must be as itchy as hell. It also says, "...so versatile you can wear it for a candlelit dinner, morning coffee, or as a beach cover up." Yup. Why don't you go wear that to a candelit dinner. No joke, these are the type of blind dates I'm set up on. I wouldn't be surprised if I showed up to a blind date and some chick was wearing that. I hope dinner is candlelit so that it increases that chances that it goes up in flames. Thanks Harriet for high quality clothes. Useless.
Product # 2 - Is she kidding me with all of these seat belt options? This is in the "new arrivals" catalog from Harriet Carter. So you know I've discussed all of the seat belt options that Harriet has, so this is no different. Now you can read, while driving? Look at the picture. She isn't in the passenger seat...the door is too far away. So not only is she reading while she's driving, but that light that comes out of the seat belt is sure to blind oncoming traffic. I just took a second look at the picture. Why the hell does she need a light? It's daylight outside. Also, do her boobs look a little "cartoonish" in this photo?
Product # 3 - Really? Is "taking care of your business" really that boring that you need to be entertained? Well Harriet Carter seems to think so. Not too long ago I discussed "bathroom bowling" and now we have "bathroom fishing." Seriously this is retarded. At what point are you going to the bathroom and it takes so long that you need to go "fake fishing?" Is he taking a "fake crap." This is stupid. I'm embarrassed. So let's go through all the motions on this. Now, do you set up all this stuff and then pull your pants down? Do you pull your pants down and kinda toss the fish onto the fake water? So then you catch a fish. Yup. Then what do you? Do you throw it back? Are you pleased that you caught a "fake fish" while sitting on the toilet? Do you tell people? Do you yell downstairs, "hey honey, I just caught one!" Maybe this is better suited for people who live alone. Maybe this is why you live alone? And where in the hell do you store all this stuff? Does this guy know he's a grown adult and doing this? Honestly, the questions I have are endless. I'll stop now. Thanks Harriet Carter for making a 5 minute crap into a 2-hour "fake fishing marathon!"
Product # 4 - Do you ever feel like maybe you aren't white-trash enough? Do you ever think, "you know what, the lawn furniture that we're sitting on in the living room isn't quite as white-trash as I'd like to be." Hmmmm, what to do? What to do? Well, how about hitting "tilt" on the white-trash meter by getting this awesome footstool!? It says "King of the Remote Control!" Yeah! Awesome! Let everyone you know, know that you rule that remote control. Yeah, you probably beat your wife too, don't ya? Yeah, big tough guy, right? Yeah, rule the remote control and one day and your wife is "accidentally answering the iron" again. These are warning signs people. Be warned. I love how most of the Harriet Carter products always state the obvious.
That concludes another segment of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!
...In Other News...
In case you didn't read my Harriet Carter post (then you should be ashamed) I will be traveling for work...er...I mean I will be sponsoring Britney Spears in the "Great Smoke Out" and won't be back until Monday. I know, I know. You won't be able to read new award winning blog material from me until next week. So, in the meantime check out these sites. Oh, and I won't have access to email, but will respond to you when I get back. So, as a wise Martha Stewart once said, "I'll be back, I will be back."
~ Someone New Hates Tyra ~ CelebritySmack
~ Which Celebrity Loves Naked Sunday's? ~ DListed
~ Is Angelina a Mourning Anorexic? I Figured an Evening Anorexic ~ PopBytes
~ Bud Bundy Calls His Marriage Quits ~ HollyScoop
~ Some Idol Hopefuls Ain't None Never Isn't Smart, No? ~ EvilBeet
~ Charlize Getting Sued Over Time? ~ MollyGood
~ Tori Wears Pregnancy Like a Glove, a Tight Glove ~ Yeeeah!
~ Anne Hathaway Pulls a Mandy Moore ~ PoponthePop
~ Peyton Manning One and Done? ~ ThatGuy
~ Nelly Furtado is a Thief! ~ JustJared
~ Anna Nicole Thinks Someone Else is Scary ~ GabSmash
~ Someone New Hates Tyra ~ CelebritySmack
~ Which Celebrity Loves Naked Sunday's? ~ DListed
~ Is Angelina a Mourning Anorexic? I Figured an Evening Anorexic ~ PopBytes
~ Bud Bundy Calls His Marriage Quits ~ HollyScoop
~ Some Idol Hopefuls Ain't None Never Isn't Smart, No? ~ EvilBeet
~ Charlize Getting Sued Over Time? ~ MollyGood
~ Tori Wears Pregnancy Like a Glove, a Tight Glove ~ Yeeeah!
~ Anne Hathaway Pulls a Mandy Moore ~ PoponthePop
~ Peyton Manning One and Done? ~ ThatGuy
~ Nelly Furtado is a Thief! ~ JustJared
~ Anna Nicole Thinks Someone Else is Scary ~ GabSmash
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Eminem & Kim are Engaged Again, Again
Rapper Eminem and his ex-wife (Kim), for the second time, and mother to his child Halie (you want me to buy you a mockingbird, Halie?) are reportedly back together and engaged again. Again. Was this something that was talked about on one of those entertainment shows or The View? Nope. This gossip came directly from another rapper, Akon, who squealed like a school girl and said, "He can't live with her, and he can't live without her. But they are meant for each other. They are engaged again." Akon continued to blab saying, "Eminem still loves Kim. They have one of those relationships where they are off one minute and back together the next."
Awesome Akon! I'm sure Eminem is psyched you are running your mouth about his love life. You're going to end up locked in a trunk like Stan's wife.
MTV The Hills: A Very Special Heidi Episode
Oh that Heidi is really starting to grow up. I mean, I still can't understand half that crap the she spews out of her mouth, but she is really starting to make some human progress...sorta.
So the episode starts out with Lauren and Whitney (yes, bonus points for me remembering her name this week) taking pictures of clothes at work and talking about Lauren and Brody. Really? Taking pictures of clothes? For work? That's what goes on at work? Really? What kind of job is that? Tomorrow I'm totally going into work, sitting on the floor, and taking pictures of my computer.
Next up, Heidi and her boyfriend, who I refuse to call anything but "Steve Sanders," are having a little lunch date when Heidi tells Steve Sanders that she is going to meet up with Audrina to talk. No joke, Steve Sanders starts rattling off all this crap about how Audrina is planning that so she can be friends with Heidi and tell her stuff. Yeah, if that sentence I wrote didn't make sense that's because that is all that I got out of what he was saying. Seriously, I was like wow is that kid having a seisure or a stroke? Does he smell burnt toast. Trust me, the next time the episode is on (15 times over the weekend) check out that scene. You'll think the same thing.
Could Steve Sanders get any cooler? Yup. For my favorite scene in the episode, Steve gets into a fight with someone that Heidi works with because the kid mentioned that Heidi doesn't dress nice. Yup. A fight. There's a little pushing, which is normal right? Oh, but then it gets way better. Steve makes fun of this kids orange sun glasses and the kid calls Steve a "tool" to which Steve replies, "Hey bro are you crazy you don't call someone in LA a tool." Priceless. Is that a rule I should know about? In the end there was no fight and Steve ended the "brawl" by saying "yeah dude I'll see you in the club." Huh? Is that supposed to be tough? Is Steve going to beat him with his glowsticks at the club? Really? Kill yourself dude.
So the episode starts out with Lauren and Whitney (yes, bonus points for me remembering her name this week) taking pictures of clothes at work and talking about Lauren and Brody. Really? Taking pictures of clothes? For work? That's what goes on at work? Really? What kind of job is that? Tomorrow I'm totally going into work, sitting on the floor, and taking pictures of my computer.
Next up, Heidi and her boyfriend, who I refuse to call anything but "Steve Sanders," are having a little lunch date when Heidi tells Steve Sanders that she is going to meet up with Audrina to talk. No joke, Steve Sanders starts rattling off all this crap about how Audrina is planning that so she can be friends with Heidi and tell her stuff. Yeah, if that sentence I wrote didn't make sense that's because that is all that I got out of what he was saying. Seriously, I was like wow is that kid having a seisure or a stroke? Does he smell burnt toast. Trust me, the next time the episode is on (15 times over the weekend) check out that scene. You'll think the same thing.
Could Steve Sanders get any cooler? Yup. For my favorite scene in the episode, Steve gets into a fight with someone that Heidi works with because the kid mentioned that Heidi doesn't dress nice. Yup. A fight. There's a little pushing, which is normal right? Oh, but then it gets way better. Steve makes fun of this kids orange sun glasses and the kid calls Steve a "tool" to which Steve replies, "Hey bro are you crazy you don't call someone in LA a tool." Priceless. Is that a rule I should know about? In the end there was no fight and Steve ended the "brawl" by saying "yeah dude I'll see you in the club." Huh? Is that supposed to be tough? Is Steve going to beat him with his glowsticks at the club? Really? Kill yourself dude.
Fast foward to Heidi and Audrina burying the hachet. Girls are nuts.
Fast forward to my favorite # 6 scripted moment of the season (yes, I'm still tracking). Heidi was supposed to go to Florida and so Steve Sanders had some playmates go to his apartment and they were all heading out for the night. And....cue the scripted moment. Heidi's flight all of a sudden gets canceled so guess who's going to surprise Steve Sanders at the club? Yup. Never saw that coming. And cue Heidi entering the club. She gets pissed. A second later Heidi says she leaving, yet suddenly Lauren and Heidi seems trashed. I love the magic of editing.
I'm getting way to old for this crap. Ok, well until next week....
...In Other News...
~ Brilliant SuperBowl Reaction ~ ThatGuy
~ Mariah Does Playboy the Photoshop Way ~ MollyGood
~ KFed Gets Shanked ~ CelebritySmack
~ Fergie Sorta Shows Her Fergie ~ DListed
~ Ryan O'Neal is Crazy, Just Like You ~ Yeeeah!
~ Jessica Simpson Does Elle, Doesn't Seem Orange ~ PopBytes
~ Nicole Richie Runs, Almost Breaks ~ HollyScoop
~ Paris Packs a Pipe Like a Champ ~ EvilBeet
~ Oh Well, Tyra Asked For It ~ NinjaDude
~ Victoria Beckham Receives Words of Wisdom ~ GabSmash
~ JC Chasez Wears a Meter Maids Outfit ~ JustJared
~ Mariah Does Playboy the Photoshop Way ~ MollyGood
~ KFed Gets Shanked ~ CelebritySmack
~ Fergie Sorta Shows Her Fergie ~ DListed
~ Ryan O'Neal is Crazy, Just Like You ~ Yeeeah!
~ Jessica Simpson Does Elle, Doesn't Seem Orange ~ PopBytes
~ Nicole Richie Runs, Almost Breaks ~ HollyScoop
~ Paris Packs a Pipe Like a Champ ~ EvilBeet
~ Oh Well, Tyra Asked For It ~ NinjaDude
~ Victoria Beckham Receives Words of Wisdom ~ GabSmash
~ JC Chasez Wears a Meter Maids Outfit ~ JustJared
Britney is Smoking and NOT Smoking Hot
Britney was recently quoted as saying that being single is "awesome!" Yeee Haw! Then I picture her spitting and shooting a gun in the air. Maybe she's single because she's smoking nasty cigarettes and doesn't brush her rats nest of a hairdo? I love me a girl who smokes a lot. It's so sexy. I mean, the way her breath stinks, her teeth start to "yellow," she gets wrinkles around her mouth, her voice deepens, she coughs a lot, she loses her breath easily, she isn't able to run long distances...HOT HOT HOT! I really like my women sounding like they work in a Bingo Hall. Anyway, Britney was 'caught smoking' while walking the streets of NYC over the weekend, and looking good by the way. Not white-trashy at all, at-all.Who Shot That Smoker!?!
Reason 768 Why Ashlee is Hotter
While most people have been losing count of the number of reasons why Ashlee Simpson is hotter than Jessica Simpson...not me! I've been keeping a handy-dandy Excel spreadsheet and even incorporated a pie chart, graph, and even some formulas. When you click on "ok" it tallies up the number. Today is reason # 768 why Ashlee Simpson is hotter than Jessica: Her hair isn't orange, her face isn't orange, her eyebrows aren't orange, etc. I still love how as soon as Ashlee got the nose job and "chin work" she totally dropped her dark goth look. I love people who sell out. I don't even mean that in a bad way. I'd sell out in a minute.
Ashlee was spotted leaving Mexicali Cocina Cantina the other day. How do I know that? Well, not only did I guess, but I read the sign and in the background.
Jennifer Aniston's New Nose Kinda Looks Like Her Old Nose, No?
So either Jennifer Aniston did get a nose job and it wasn't money well spent or she just didn't get a nose job. To me, her nose looks the same. Jennifer was at the 22nd Annual Santa Barbara International Film Festival Awards when these photos were snapped. I never thought her nose looked bad before and I'm not one to judge people based on their looks. Ha, just kidding that one was just for us. Of course, like everyone, I judge people based on their looks. If it wasn't for that what else would you judge them on? I mean, I'm not really into committing to a whole conversation in order to get to know them. Therefore, I am only left with physical appearance. Just for the record though, I am a fan of Jennifer Aniston and I'm not concerned with what her nose looks like. That's not what I'm after. What? I'm after her mind. Her mind.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Tara Reid Pounds Sand, Sober?
Tara must really miss "Taradise" and all those beaches that she use to report from. Oh, and by "report from" I really mean get "get trashed and scream into the camera...from." Poor Tara Reid was at the SuperBowl XLI MarketAmerica Party where she stopped for a quick photo opp and then she fell into a pile of sand. The good news is that once she was down she gave the "thumbs up" sign to let us all know that she is ok. Phewww! That was a close call. I don't know what we'd do if we lost lost Tara to some quicksand.
Don't worry though because moments later Tara found out that she and Joey Fatone won "2007 SuperBowl High School Prom King and Prom Queen!" What an honor that must be! Oh, and yes my photoshop skills continue to improve as the days go on. I bet you didn't even know that they really weren't wearing those crowns did you? I'm awesome!
Jessica Simpson: The Human Blow Up Doll
Jessica Simpson was partying her arse off at Hyde in LA over the weekend and she was either spotted "singing" or "taking care of business." I'd prefer to think she was "taking care of business." Either way, she is definitely channeling "Mandy" the red-headed blow up doll. I think she imitated her spot on. What is scary to me is that Jessica Simpson is all over that dude and he is standing there lifeless. What a waste of a dry hump. In other Jessica Simpson news....there really isn't any. Well, there is this: While Jessica was attending her "boyfriend" John Mayer's concert she was singing along to one of this songs, but she totally sang all the wrong words. According to a "passerby" the lyrics were: "'You can take all the tricks up my sleeve, I don't need them anymore," Jessica sang, "You can't fake all the tricks; I believe guys don't need them plenty more."
Seriously? I don't even know what that means. Although, I must admit I'm guilty of singing the wrong words all the time to songs. However, my personal favorite is this girl I know who used to think that the words to "Jumpin' Jumpin'" by Destiny's Child where it says, "But the party ain't gonna stop," this girl use to think the words were (and would sing), "Put the party ankle style!" Yup, so Ang if you are out there reading this I'm calling you out! Hysterical.
Who Shot That Doll!?! and Who Sang Those Words!?!
Who Shot That Doll!?! and Who Sang Those Words!?!
...In Other News...
~ Ryan O'Neal Plays "I'll Shoot Ya!" With His Son ~ CelebritySmack
~ Kirsten Dunst Dress Business Casual For a Night Out ~ DListed
~ Maria Menounos Plays Football, But With a Different Uniform ~ Yeeeah!
~ Mandy Moore Kinda Disses Nicole Richie. Do People Still Say "Diss?" ~ HollyScoop
~ Drew Barrymore 80's Workout Video on SNL ~ PopBytes
~ Was Andy Dick High or Crazy? ~ EvilBeet
~ Superbowl Commercials of Yesteryear and Today ~ MollyGood
~ Britney Looks 14% Better ~ GabSmash
~ Britney Parties/Sits at Fashion Week in NYC ~ NinjaDude
~ Paris Love Her Some Racial Slurs! ~ CelebrityMound
~ Kirsten Dunst Dress Business Casual For a Night Out ~ DListed
~ Maria Menounos Plays Football, But With a Different Uniform ~ Yeeeah!
~ Mandy Moore Kinda Disses Nicole Richie. Do People Still Say "Diss?" ~ HollyScoop
~ Drew Barrymore 80's Workout Video on SNL ~ PopBytes
~ Was Andy Dick High or Crazy? ~ EvilBeet
~ Superbowl Commercials of Yesteryear and Today ~ MollyGood
~ Britney Looks 14% Better ~ GabSmash
~ Britney Parties/Sits at Fashion Week in NYC ~ NinjaDude
~ Paris Love Her Some Racial Slurs! ~ CelebrityMound
Lindsay Lohan Stole My Nana's Shorts
They say that going through rehab can be a very rewarding experience, but it can also age you quickly. Clearly this is what happened with Lindsay No Pants. Not only has she aged, but she's a thief too! She stole my Nana's shorts! But, at least she is paying tribute to my Nana by wearing her shorts just like my Nana used to...hiked all the way up to her boobs. At first glance I thought, "Oh no, Lindsay has suffered a stroke," but then I realized that Lindsay is just suffering from the warning signs of premature cameltoe, which is why I awarded her "one camel."These photos are of Lindsay attending an AA meeting at Red Rock Bar on Sunset in West Hollywood. That's not a joke. The AA meeting took place at a bar. The AA meeting. Bar. AA. Bar. Now I may not be a psychiatrist (even though I am), but I don't think that the best place for people to be who are trying to stay sober is a bar. Call me crazy.
Who Stole My Nana's Shorts!?!
Oxana Baiul Looks Like a Triple Sow Cow
Good morning everyone! Please vomit...NOW! Oxana Baiul attended the Playboy Superbowl Party at the American Airlines Arena in Miami, Florida over the weekend. Oxana clearly brought sexy back....she brought it back to the store that sold "sexy" and she exchanged it for this. Seriously? Horrific. As soon as I saw this it reminded me of being like 3 years old with my mom at a department store and having to stand outside the dressing room as all these old women walked around in their underwear and bras. I think they actually were wearing the same things that Oxana is wearing.
And why the hell are her shorts so high? In other Oxana Baiul news....um....er.....this isn't any. Good day!
Fine. The Colts Win the Superbowl
Fine. So the Colts win the Superbowl. Sure it was a big win for them, but I'm still a bit bitter that the Patriot's never made it in. That's right, bitter. Since it was admitted after the playoff game of the Patriot's vs. the Colts (2 weeks ago) that there was an incorrect call against the Patriots that ended up leading to a Colts touchdown and having them win the game, which brought them to the Superbowl....enjoy the win! However, always know that in the back of your mind if that call was correct just 2 weeks ago you wouldn't have been going to the Superbowl. Enjoy!
Colts beat out the Bears 29-17 in a complete typhoon.
Jennifer Lopez is Dead to Mariah Carey?
I've said it before and I'll say it again, God bless YouTube. In an interview with Mariah Carey in some other country (I'm shooting for either France or Germany? I get easily confused when I don't hear a Boston accent) Mariah was asked what she thought about Beyonce and Mariah, surprisingly, said how much she loved her, etc. And then...da-da-duuuuuuuun, when asked what she thought about Jennifer Lopez, Mariah said, "I don't know her!" Awesome! I love me some crazy and that amount of crazy just hit tilt. So, this got me thinking about something very important in life. I'm calling this, "Who Would Win?" So, "Who Would Win" in a chicken-fight, Mariah or Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx? My money would have to be on Saint Jennifer as being from the Bronx must have taught her how to throw a punch or two and take a punch or two.
No, I Won't Text "Joke" to 6657
Time for a rant!
No, I won't text "Joke" to 6657. In fact, I won't text "horoscope" to 2242 or "love" to 9437. Seriously? These commercials that want you to text message a code to a phone number so that you can get jokes sent to your cell phone each day is ridiculous. Who's doing this? I want their names. Why in the hell would I need a joke sent to my cell phone each morning and what the hell would I do with that joke? Would I tell people the joke and then charge them for the joke since I was charged for the joke? These commercials are horrific and the "joke samples" they give you aren't even a little funny. And why are these commercials so loud? I'm watching TV (MTV) at a normal volume and all of a sudden this commercial comes on and it is so loud that I immediately put my self on "code-red" because I think someone is declaring jihad on me.
I see another commercial over the weekend where you can text message "valentine" to a number and they'll send you "valentine's day" noises to your phone which consists of kissing sounds and moans. Really? What would someone do with that? The sad part is that I know that people are doing this and are being charged monthly to receive these messages. Let me do these people a favor. I'll send you a text message joke or "love sound" for half the price. Then I'll also provide you with a free lecture on why spending your hard earned money on something like this when there are people living on the streets will make you burn in hell eventually (I'll be seeing you there).
So the next time you're walking home from a bar and some homeless guy on the street begs you for some money, feel free to explain to him that the reason why you can't spare any change is because you need that money so you can get a joke sent to your cell phone, daily.
Friday, February 02, 2007
MTV Juvies: Why I Heart MTV
So MTV has successfully done it again. It's like they know all of my favorite things. "Juvies" premiered last night and my Tivo is very happy about that. If you haven't seen it, Juvies is all about these kids who have been sent to Juvenile Hall for a variety of reasons. So what is this show, really? Well, MTV packaged certain aspects of all of my favorite shows. It's a mix between the following:- Cops
- The segment of Sally Jesse Raphael when they'd send bad kids to "teen bootcamp"
- Intervention (on A&E)
- Unsolved Mysteries (Juvies also does random reenactments of what happened without showing faces)
- OZ
How they knew that I loved all of these shows is beyond me and the way that they packaged this? Brilliant. I just hope that I'm not the only person who watched this. I also hope that somehow some of the kids from "My Super Sweet Sixteen" end up on Juvies. Here's to wishing!
Ok, so just when I thought this show was getting too serious, the one girl in this episode (I'll call her "slasher") started to talk about how she wanted be a singer and that she was supposed to be on American Idol, but she was in "Juvie" instead. Then she started singing. I immediately thought, "Ok, now there's the MTV reality show style I love!" Although, this reality show doesn't seem scripted and that makes me nervous.
So what do these kids do while in this "cops for kids" prison system? Well, they get to walk around outside, the girls seem to constantly braid their hair, the guys work on their interviewing skills (really?), they all give themselves lice-treatments, they're not allowed to climb trees (random), and they get filmed while doing all of this. It's a real win-win.
For me, Juvies was pretty serious overall. I would have liked to see some "prison fist fights" and wild kids screaming, "you don't know me, you don't know me" as they look into the camera. I was a little let down there, but I'll let is slide. I'm hopeful for next weeks episode.
Xtina Steals From Mrs Potato Head
Right now, somewhere in the world, Mrs. Potato Head is feeling violated. Christina Aguijdkaaafnkjdla has definitely ripped off Mrs. Potato Head's big red lips. Is she serious with that? It looks fake. It actually looks like she used car paint on her lips. Perhaps she did?
Christina was out and about in Santa Monica with her husband Jordan Bratman (Justin Bateman, what?) and dining at the Giorgio Baldi restaurant. Wait, I don't know what three of those words mean. Actually, I know the other one. I don't know what two of those words mean.
Christina's song, "Hurt" just went to #1 in Europe. Sweet. Do they have radios over there?
Saint Jennifer Lopez Only Rides Black
Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx, clearly, remembers her roots and where she came from. Like she always says (always) "she's just a girl from the Bronx." Yeah, I've been to the Bronx and never met anyone who made demands like this. Allegedly, Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx (please genuflect twice) is heading to the Super Bowl in Miami and needs a car. Sure. So, FerPez's reps called a car rental company saying that she needed the car to be a Bentley convertible. I mean, I don't blame her. I'm kinda the same way. When I go to South Beach I won't be seen in anything else except a 1985 Oldsmobile. The rental company charges $28,000 for this, but didn't have the convertible on the lot so they got one from another location. The Bentley they got was white exterior with black interior. Oh HELL TO THE NO! The reps called back to say that Saint Jennifer will only ride in an all black Bentley (black exterior with black interior).
If I worked there I'd get her the car she wanted and then I'd stuff a banana in the tail pipe. Good luck J. Lo! When you rot in hell for being so rich (I would just guess that's why people go to hell) I pray your spot in hell is black on black.
...In Other News...
Who can't get enough of Tyra? Clearly, Tyra can't as Tyra has a pose-off with Tyra. Tyra.~ Fergie Checks Her Business in LA ~ CelebritySmack
~ Dina Lohan Continues to Whore Out Her Kid ~ DListed
~ Jessica and John Riding the Love Bus ~ PopBytes
~ Denise Richards Helps Her Dad at the Beach ~ Yeeeah!
~ Lohan Walks Away From Film ~ HollyScoop
~ KFed + Taco Bell = Destiny ~ MollyGood
~ One of Jacko's Kids Looks Like Nicole Richie ~ NinjaDude
~ Spend 5 Minutes in the Bathroom W/ Britney and Get Diseases! ~ EvilBeet
~ "Demands" by Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx ~ GabSmash
~ Dina Lohan Continues to Whore Out Her Kid ~ DListed
~ Jessica and John Riding the Love Bus ~ PopBytes
~ Denise Richards Helps Her Dad at the Beach ~ Yeeeah!
~ Lohan Walks Away From Film ~ HollyScoop
~ KFed + Taco Bell = Destiny ~ MollyGood
~ One of Jacko's Kids Looks Like Nicole Richie ~ NinjaDude
~ Spend 5 Minutes in the Bathroom W/ Britney and Get Diseases! ~ EvilBeet
~ "Demands" by Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx ~ GabSmash
Bostonians Tricked By Lite Brite
Since I typically give NYC their fair share of digs, I figured it was time to taste my own medicine. Perhaps you heard about the "bomb scare" in Boston the other day? Apparently these sorta "lite brite" contraptions were found all over Boston - under bridges, near train stations, etc. These "lite brite" contraptions had batteries attached to them and wires sticking out of them in every which way. So, the "red-alert" Bostonians that we are, we called the cops (the 5-0) and the bomb squad came and blew these contraptions up. In the end, they weren't bombs, but marketing campaigns for a cartoon on the Cartoon Network. Ah, as we say in Boston, "wicked smahhht kid!" The sad part is that these "lite brite" contraptions were also placed in other major cities as well, but no one called them in. Clearly, it's just us nosy Bostonians that are still fighting this war on terror! That's right, I just got political on your ass. Bostonians "1", Mr. Potato Head "0."
Jennifer Hudson Already Jumped the Shark
It's good to see that Jennifer Hudson hasn't forgotten where she came from. Right now, somewhere, Jennifer is saying, "What do you mean where I came from? I started at Dream Girls." All of a sudden Jennifer wins the Golden Globe, wins the SAG award, and is up for an Oscar and she is verbally "doing her business" all over American Idol. Jennifer has said that she was abused on Idol and was misled and brainwashed. Seriously? I've gone through abuse and brainwashing just to get decent Red Sox tickets, and I'd do it all again. Yup, she totally jumped the shark. Well, not only did she jump it, but she kicked it in the nose while she was jumping it. I say take back her Golden Globe. Let her keep her SAG award, but only because the word "SAG" makes me laugh like a 11-year old school girl.
Jennifer continued to say that there is no tension between her and Beyonce and that they "clicked from day one." Sure. Good luck with that Oscar because if and when you win it, Tina Knowles is going to mug you in the parking lot. What? I'm just giving you a heads up.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Britney Forgets Bra at Target
Britney spent a little time yesterday shopping at Target, but I think, I think, she forgot to bring her bra with her. I mean it is difficult to remember both a bra and underwear and since Britney is now starting to wear underwear again it just makes sense that she'd forget her bra. Britney is about one size away from sporting some cameltoe. Here's to wishing!
I never understand why rich people shop at "regular people" stores. I don't care what you say, rich people are just better than us. To top things off she's famous too, which makes her super better than us. Yeah, I said it. I'm the major of Shallowtown. I personally like how Britney is really classing things up by chain-smoking and even grabbing her boob. Yeeeee haw!
Rumors have recently been flying that Britney is trying to get back with her ex, Justin Timberlake. What's the old saying? Once a Mouseketeer, always a Mouseketeer. Is that an old saying? If not, it should be.
Poshtoria Beckham to Get Wicked Curvy
Poshtoria Beckham, that fat-ass, has decided to start up a fashion line for "curvy" women. Not only that, but she won't allow women who are size "zero" to model her clothes (she'll probably just do that herself). It has been stated that, "Victoria doesn't want to be accused of giving young girls a complex about about their image and putting pressure on them to be as skinny as her."
Sure, that is a step in the right direction, but are these girls blind? Oh, and are they dumb too? So Poshtoria want's to set a good example? Uh, doesn't she know they're going to see her eventually? And how dumb are these girls? Poshtoria is all like, hey fat-asses here are your jeans.......these jeans over here (the nice ones), those are all mine and not for you, fatty. Enjoy your fat jeans that have been bedazzeled the hell out of.
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