Britney and KFed Divorce Settlement

It's payday for KFed! According to TMZ.com, Britney Spears and KFed have finally come to an agreement in their divorce settlement. It looks like KFed may get about $1 million and will have 50/50 joint custody of "What's his face" and "The other one."

With all the money that Britney has, I kinda feel like that $1 million isn't a lot of money to "win" in the divorce settlement. If I were him, I would use the kids to get more money. For example, I would be like, "Hey Britney, the kids needs some new crap. Can I have $100,000?" Simple right? Sure. Wait, is it wrong to use kids to get money? Some countries make millions off of concepts like that. I mean sure they're called "sweatshops," but whatever. Where was I going with this? Forget it.

David Beckham Mocks His Wife's Hairdo

David Beckham wanted to show his wife, Poshtoria, how stupid her haircut was so he went out and got the same exact haircut so she would have to look at it every day too. Brilliant move. Both of them are, in some way, really paying respect to Carol Brady, but that's a whole different story. David and Poshtoria were at the Sports Industry Awards (2007) the other day. I hope he one for "Girliest Hairdo." What? That's a real award.

In other David Beckham news, D. Beck is no longer the highest paid soccer player. Ronaldinho, the two-time world player of the year, just scored the $30 million salary. Tough break Beckham. I don't know how you're going to live on just $25 million. Good luck. Next time learn how to kick the ball, dumbass.

In other Poshtoria Beckham news, US Weekly has written a nice open letter to Poshtoria requesting that she start wearing a bra. To quote them, "It is obvious to us that the bra may be a foreign concept to you, much like American football, or the good sense to avoid Tom Cruise, so allow us to explain: You're a 32-year-old woman with perky breasts that apparently like to breathe. But keep shunning that bra and in five years you'll end up with pendulums hanging off your clavicle that hubby David Beckham might mistake for soccer ball bags."

Wow you really got her, US Weekly (insert sarcastic overtone here ____)! Actually, thanks for ruining it for the rest of us. If Poshtoria wore a bra all the time, how in the hell would we ever know if there was going to be 6 more weeks of winter? Thanks for nothing.

Why Did US Say That!?! and Who Makes More Than D. Beck!?!

Kelly Clarkson is Her Mom in Hawaii

When did Kelly Clarkson become a mother? Oh, and by "mother" I mean "the old Italian lady who goes to the beach, steps into the water just up to her ankles, and then bends down a bit and splashes the water on her arms like she was taking a bath." Yeah, when did she become that lady? Kelly Clarkson remains completely unsexy on the beach in a long black dress as she and her friends vacation in Hawaii. Why the dress? Never mind, maybe she can't afford a bathing suit. I think those things are really expensive.

Foxy Brown Pleads Not Guilty/Not Relevant

Foxy Brown (the other Little Kim) has plead not guilty to attacking a Florida beauty store employee. I hope she plead "not relevant" too because I don't think I've heard anything good from Foxy Brown since "Hot Spot" in 2003. At the same time, one can only comment on Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears so much. Sometimes it's nice to dig up info on some other fauxlebrities.

Anyway, Foxy Brown was accused by the employee of throwing hair glue at him when he tried to close the store for the night. Foxy then allegedly spit on him as well. Sweet. I say call her Classy Brown!

Who Shot That!?!

...In Other News...

Heather Mills brings some back up legs to dance rehearsal for Dancing With the Stars. I don't think that's fair. When the other contestants are tired they don't get to put on new legs. I call foul! As a side note, I think she should tattoo one of the back up legs to make it more life-like...or at least bedazzle it. In other news...

~ Who Wants to Kidnap Angelina's Kid? ~ Yeeeah!

~ Who's Stalking Michelle Branch? ~ EvilBeet

~ Does Hilary Duff Work Full-Time at TRL? ~ CelebritySmack

~ What in the Hell Happened To That Chick From American Pie!?! ~ AgentBedHead

~ Chris Rock's Secret Kid? ~ NinjaDude

~ Drew Barrymore's Girl on Girls Romp ~ FatBack

~ Madonna's H&M Line is a Bust ~ HollyScoop

~ Bono is Officially a Knight ~ MollyGood

Halle Berry Tried to Kill Herself

Halle Berry recently told Parade Magazine that she tried to commit suicide, a.k.a take a dirt nap after her failed marriage to David Justice. See, now I would have assumed that Halle would have tried to off herself after the movie "CatWoman," but nope, it was after a bad relationship.

So, how was Halle going to do it? Toaster in the bathtub? Running into traffic? Sitting through a Celine Dion concert? Nope, nope, and perhaps. Actually, Halle was going to pull the old "sit in the car (with it turned on) while parked in the garage and take a nap" suicide attempt.

Halle says in the interview:

"I was sitting in my car, and I knew the gas was coming, when I had an image of my mother finding me. She sacrificed so much for her children, and to end my life would be an incredibly selfish thing to do. It was all about a relationship. My sense of worth was so low. I promised myself I would never be a coward again."

Well thank God she didn't go through with it. We certainly don't need any hot dead celebrities. The ugly ones can do what they want (I'm talking to you Diane Keaton), but not the hot ones.

Time for an IBBB Public Service Announcement: Suicide is a very serious thing and not to be taken lightly. If you think you know someone who may be trying to take a dirt nap or has indicated that they want to take a dirt nap....or as even erased all their saved shows on their Tivo, please get them help immediately. The more you know. Ding, ding, dong.

Moving on, the photos above are from a photo opp for Halle's new movie "Perfect Stranger" while she was in Madrid. Perfect timing to drum up some free publicity!

Who Said That!?!

America's Next Top Model: Dieting Plus Sized Models, Huh?

Resident America's Next Top Model recapper, Jenny, is back once again for her thoughts on the train-wreck that is America's Next Top Model. Let's see what her thoughts are this time around:

• I don't understand Natasha's hair. Is it crimped, or is it a Halloween wig?And why does Natasha make cat noises at her husband when she talks to him on the phone?
• Why is the plus size model dieting? Aren't plus size models supposed to be plus?
• The models get a lesson on how to dress. Russian chick tries to make some kind of point and the fashion directors literally look at her like she just said: "Space aliens are outside waiting to pick me up in a spaceship made out of sneakers."
• It's competition time and the girls have to break into groups, dress up like mannequins and pretend they are in a store window. At one point, Russian chick says it's ok to spell words however you want to. Really? I wonder if the nuns who gave me my spelling tests in grammar school would agree with that. Probably not. They would probably hit me with a ruler and make me say three Hail Mary's.
• Sara wins the individual prize and wins some type of something with Jay and her own pictures. Nonsense. I would be pissed if I was her since last week's prize was a $40,000 bracelet.
• During this week's photo shoot, the girls dress up like guys, and pose with guys who dress up like women. And people wonder why America's youth is a mess.
• Jaslene is a nautical man on his yacht. Ok. She seriously looks like a hobo under a bridge.
• Jael is a bohemian man. She looks like a child molester from 1984.
• Whitney kinda looks like the Reverend Al Sharpton.
• Natasha looks like K-Fed and makes a better K-Fed, than K-Fed himself.
• For the 5th week in a row, Tyra does one hell of a Russian accent. Can she hear herself?
• Blah, blah, blah Diana gets kicked off.
• Now there is only one full figured model "still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model." My question is, why does Tyra act like she can't get her arms around her when she hugs her goodbye? She is ridiculous.

Christina Aguilera is My Actual Nana

My Nana was pissed when Lindsay Lohan stole her shorts a few months ago. Well, my Nana is up in arms again since Christina Aguilera stole her boots, scarf, pink bag, hairnet, and sweater. I mean it's one thing to rob rich people, but mugging my poor old Nana is just down right wrong! These crimes against the elderly must stop!

Christina Aguilera was caught with all my Nana's stuff as she left the Mercer Hotel in New York with her little dogs....her dumb little dogs. Yeah, I said it. Dumb. Anyway, Christina was just taking a little break from her tour, Back to Basics(ally crap). As a side note, it was like in the 50's - 60's in NYC over the weekend. She's dressed for Antarctica ski season.

More Xtina Photos

Mary-Kate is a 90's Business Woman

Mary-Kate Olsen (bonus points for me knowing which Olsen it was) is clearly a 1990's business woman. She has the big pants and hikes them all the way up past her waist and towards her little Olsen chest. This is the type of outfit that's perfect for a bank teller, young professor, or even greeter at a small town flower shop. I'm just psyched she doesn't look homeless, although I do miss the homeless Olsen. I always felt that the streets were safer when there was a homeless Olsen roaming around. I guess the old saying is true. You don't know what you've got until it's gone bank teller chic.

Who Shot That Bank Teller!?!

...In Other News...

~ American Idol Sideboob! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Sanjaya's Sister is Manlier Than Sanjaya ~ FatBack
~ Michael Jackson: The 50 Foot Molester ~ AgentBedHead
~ The Aniston/Cox Kiss ~ NinjaDude
~ Lindsay's Newest Boyfriend of the Day ~ Yeeeah!
~ An Olsen Wants a New Nose ~ HollyScoop

Breaking News: Paris Hilton Not a Virgin!

You guys are not going to believe this. Paris Hilton is not a virgin. I know, I know and Milli Vanilli didn't really sing either. It appears that Paris Hilton may have lost her little old virginity to Randy Spelling, the son of Aaron Spelling and brother of Tori Spelling. Randy Spelling has told the New York Daily News that he and Paris had sex when she was only 15 and a virgin. The two were together for 2-months at the time. At one point, these two crazy and pimply kids went to a hotel in Palm Springs for the weekend, but couldn't check in Paris's name because "her grandma was looking for her." Wow buddy, really? You've hit an all time low for publicity. I now refuse to even mention your new reality show.

Oh, and 15...huh? Considering that is 3 years under the legal age of consent in California, Randy is lucky that Chris Hanson of Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" wasn't hiding in her kitchen just waiting for Randy to show up.

Who Said That!?! and Who Shot That!?!

Meredith Viera Sprouts Pillow-Ass

By now all of the world has seen Meredith Viera smash her head on the ice at Rockefeller Center in NYC while Live on the air interviewing Will Farrell for his new skating comedy, "Blades of Glory." While I don't care much about what goes on with Meredith Viera I feel obligated to write something as I was actually there to witness the fall in NYC and, well, I never get to report on anything I actually see with my own eyes. So, my faithful IBBB readers, I present to you a new little segment I like to call: "IBBB Brush With Fame, Probably Not a Good Story, But a Story Nonetheless." Catchy title, right?

So, here's how it went down. I arrive at Rockefeller Center and see a large crowd of a few hundred people around the ice rink looking down at a few people skating. Like the award winning reporter I am, I ask what's going on. People point to Will Ferrell and Meredith Viera on the ice doing an interview. Oh, I don't have a camera either, so I try to use my 1987 camera-cell phone to take a few pictures, but am too far away. It's at that moment that Will Farrell heads out on the ice with his hands up and the crowd starts cheering and laughing. I'm a huge Will Farrell fan, but even I am wondering why people are laughing. He didn't do anything, really. Anyway, Meredith then attempts to go under his legs on her ice skates and almost gets stuck. No joke, she's moving in slow motion. It's then that she pops out of the other side of this legs and smashes her head on the ice. No joke, the crowd gasps and all you hear is one "ohhhhhhhhhh" in unison. I was like, wait am I sitting in the studio audience of Full House or Saved By the Bell? Meredith then kinda gets up on her knees and laughs. I'm looking for blood on the ice.

Well, that concludes my segment: "IBBB Brush With Fame, Probably Not a Good Story, But a Story Nonetheless." Riveting, right? Sure, some celebrity bloggers camp out in front of Hyde in LA to spot Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Not me. I accidentally stroll down to Rockefeller Center to watch a middle-aged woman fall on ice skates and bump her head. Then I report on it. Not even with my own pictures. 2 days later. Jealous?

The Harriet Carter Crapalog

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! I'm still trying to make it into the Harriet Carter Crapalog, but nothing to report yet. This week Harriet covers some food, a horse, and an old lady. Pervert. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Do your kids ever yell to you, "Hey Mom? What disgusting time is it?" You, of course yell back, "I don't know, what does the gross pizza clock say?" Seriously? A pizza clock? Why? Why are they bragging that it's so life like? It even says "Now that's Italian!" Really Harriet? Really? That's racist you whore. Pizza isn't even Italian. Why don't you just say that clock is in the Mafia? You better "watch" your back. Pun intended, douche bag. The pepperoni isn't even lined up correctly? The 6 is kinda where the 7 is. Nice job confusing your kids, just for a laugh. Why would people think this is funny? I'd be embarrassed for whoever owned this. I mean, this may be "all the rage" at the trailer park, but in the rest of the world you just look like an idiot. Now eat it Harriet. Eat it!

Product # 2 - Is your elderly spouse a real "downer?" Is your "fun time" having to do all the house chores ruined by your elderly spouse screaming or ringing the bell? Well, if the duct-tape over the mouth didn't work and breaking the bell didn't stop them, maybe you should try this high-pitched alert alarm! Once pressed you can even hear it while your doing all of "his" yard work. Sure it's so loud that you're going to think that someone has declared jihad on your house and you'll, of course, raise your own "terror alert" level to red, but at least you'll be at his beckon call. Wouldn't it just be easier to strap this person to your back? Or at least tie a rope around their belt and just drag them around the house.

Product # 3 - Do you ever feel like your kids are too original? Horrifying, I know! One easy way to stunt their creativity and originality is to buy them Harriet Carter's "tracing tool" which I believe actually just consists of a piece of plastic that reflects. Awesome. Don't encourage your kids to draw the horse they want, just tell them to trace a horse that's already there! Why waste time with your imagination? Someone has probably already thought up something you'll eventually think up, so just take the easy way out and copy other people! Thanks Harriet Carter for trying to slowly turn our youth back into a Nazi society. See you in hell, Hitler.

Sanjaya Literally Murdered Gwen Stefani

Ok, so I admit I haven't been keeping up with all of the American Idol "hoopla" Yeah, I said it. Hoopla. However I couldn't miss what Sanjaya would do. Gwen Stefani was the musical influence this week. Fast forward (thank you Tivo) to Sanjaya. Now if there was a camera on me when I saw him you would get the full effect, but here is literally what I thought as Sanjaya came out one stage: "Oh for the love of all that is good and pure in the world, what in the Christ is this?" Sure, most people thought it was a Mohawk, but not me. I immediately thought he was channeling "Red" from Fraggle Rock. Can you technically perm a Mohawk? Then....he sings.

Technically, it's not singing. He's talking. He's sorta singing. He's talk-singing. Actually he's whining. I think I even heard a whimper at one point. Why would he sing "Bath Water" by Gwen Stefani (No Doubt)? Why would he do that? Stop talk-singing Sanjaya. Stop at once! Gwen must have been pissed. I would have washed his mouth out with soap. How is it possible that Gwen is more manly than Sanjaya? And what in the hell were those dance moves? Did he learn that at his "how to molest kids and not get caught" seminar? I mean, that's where I learned mine. And why is he smiling so damn much? I wouldn't smile if I were him. I'd cry the whole time. The ENTIRE time. From the moment I got on stage to when the song finally ends, I would cry. Ball my eyes out.

All I can say is that I pray to my sweet Jesus that Sanjaya stays until J. Lo joins the show. There isn't anything I want more than for Sanjaya to either sing "Waiting for Tonight" or have a duet with J. Glow. Everyone, please pray. Now.

Jessica From Laguna Beach Arrested

Seriously, Jessica will still do whatever it takes to get with Jason from Laguna Beach. This time, she's mimicked his arrest when she was busted on suspicion of felony driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Allegedly, Jessica crashed into an Acura on the Santa Ana Freeway and caused "great bodily injury" to people in both cars.

The reports that was filed claimed that her level of intoxication, unsafe speed, and wet roads caused the crash. Are they sure it was the camera crew in her car? Jessica is sitting in an Orange County jail on 100,000 awaiting her court date. I wonder if she'll bring Jason?

Who Said That!?!

...In Other News...

~ Lindsay and Robbie Sitting in a Rehab Tree ~ CelebritySmack
~ Thora Birch's Dad is a Perv ~ EvilBeet
~ Snoop's Vacation Ends ~ HollyScoop
~ Poshtoria's Boobs Say Hello ~ AgentBedHead
~ Britney Spears Hearts Jesus ~ NinjaDude
~ I'm Searching For White Trash. Thanks KFed! ~ FatBack
~ Does Halle Berry Suffer From Wonky Eye? ~ Yeeeah
~ Wynonna Files for Divorce ~ DListed
~ J Lo Wears a Picnic Table Cover ~ Glunp

MTV The Hills: Whitney Falls Down the Stairs

There are hardly any episodes left of The Hills this season and, clearly, they are saving the best for last. Oh, and by "best" I mean "the one where Whitney falls down the stairs." I couldn't care less what happens in the rest of the episode, as long as I get to see Whitney go "sledding" down a flight of stairs I'm content. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not heartless. I even laugh when I fall. I just wish it was filmed. Sadly, it isn't. Luckily, Whitney's fall is filmed. Anyway, here are my brilliant, yet puzzling, thoughts on the latest episode of The Hills:

• Woo-hoo! Emily the "super intern" is back baby! I am convinced that Emily is the daughter of Lisa Loveless. They definitely look like "mother/daughter." Not like Lindsay Lohan/Dina Lohan mother/daughter, but like legit mother/daughter.


• After two seasons, I just noticed that the opening credits mainly consist of the girls each doing the same "face" with their mouth open and head tilted to the side. Good for them!


• Why does Whitney say "fashion contributor" and put it in "air quotes?" I mean, is that the title or not?


• Steve Sanders and Heidi eat Fajitas. Does Steve perm his hair?


• "The girls" have to work the Good Morning America Fashion Show.
  
• I wonder why the music they chose for this scene with Emily walking in is "La Cucaracha" which is Spanish for "the cockroaches." No joke. That's actually the song they are playing. If I were Spanish I would write a letter. I'm not, so I won't.


• Lauren Howell is back too. If you remember her from the last time, all the direction she gave the girls the last time was to make sure the area wasn't "chaotic." Yup, she literally gives the same advice this time. Helpful. Somehow, though, Whitney still seems confused.


• The editor from Vogue is talking so high I can't even hear him. Only dogs can hear him at this point.


• In my favorite "scripted moment" of the episode, Whitney surprisingly gets picked to be a model at the fashion show! Who would have guessed that!?! Certainly not me. Kids, let me give some advice to you out there. You're not going to go from intern to "model." It's not going to happen. Study hard.


• Yes! Here it is! Cue Whitney! Live on Good Morning America, Whitney slides right down the last 10 steps. Oh, they make this look like it's "Live" and I believe that it is, but it looks like they just taped up a "live" sign and stuck it to the top corner of the screen. Ghetto. Clearly, I loved it.


• Emily really helps by saying, "at least you didn't really fall, like really fall." Yeah, no she literally fell. Legit.


• Something is wrong with me. I actually feel bad for her. What is happening to my heart? What is this feeling? This must stop. STAT! Quick, Heidi say something stupid! Steve Sanders, quick cram more teeth in your mouth. Ahhh that's better. I'm back.


• Lisa Loveless even has a heart and says some nice words to Whitney about "the fall." I'm not paying attention to what she is saying, because I wonder if she sweats Whitney.


• As a surprise twist, Whitney may become the manager of all the interns. Kids, anything is possible. If Whitney can do it so can you!


• Sweet, Heidi won't move in with Steve Sanders so he kicks her out of his car. What is Heidi's comeback? She legit slams the door and says "stupid car." Awesome. P.S Why are Heidi's shoulders always so high? Does she have asthma?

What will become of these two? Will Steve Sanders and Heidi break up for good? Will there be a season three? Will my mind completely rot? No, yes, and yes.

Tyra Banks is the American Dream?

For me it's a real toss up on who my favorite resident "crazy" is. I mean, do I go with Dina Lohan or do I go with Tyra Banks. I think that Tyra is consistently crazy so I may have to go with her. Anyway, while Kimora Lee Simmons debuted her KLS collection, Tyra Banks single-handedly made each photo opportunity about herself. Brilliant. Tyra started with "out-kissing" Kimora, then "out-smiled" another guest, and then closed the event by "out-eating" the guests at dinner. Good for her.

Anyway, since I heart Tyra's ability to make everything about herself I found this short article from Forbes Magazine when they asked Tyra what she thought the American Dream was. Let's read together, shall we?

"The American Dream is about fulfilling your potential to the max. It’s not a chase for material goods, it's about learning what inspires you in life and creating a plan to turn it into your life's work.... I guess I'm traditional in that I believe hard work and determination have a lot to do with achieving one's dreams. When I was a model, my dream was to have a talk show, so I made a plan to do it--and look at me now."

Don't get me wrong, Tyra has made a success out of herself. Great! I'd kill for her money. I like how Tyra basically says that she is the American Dream without actually having to say it. Pure brilliance.

Who Said That!?!

Donatella Versace Takes a Digger

Oh, poor Tanatella Versmokey! While she was attending Elton John's birthday fiesta, Tanatella took a major digger (insert Boston accent here ____) right up the stairs and got all wet. Luckily her tan did not wash away in the rain and she didn't rip her dress. Her protective 15 layers of caked-on makeup really cushioned her fall and protected her face from getting all smashed up. As someone had brilliantly noted, check out the look on Teri Hatcher's face in the background. Some say "shock" while I say "botox."

Who Shot That!?!

Gimme A Break

Dry your eyes, but I will not be around to help rot your brain on Monday with mindless celebrity stories and commentary. I will be traveling to Tajikistan to adopt some of the left-over children that Angelina Jolie didn't want. On my way home I will be stopping off in the Bahamas to supply my DNA just to double check that I am not the father of Anna Nicole's baby. I will make it home just in time to watch Whitney from "The Hills" fall down a flight of stairs on Monday night.

So, I was racking my brain trying to think of the one thing I would want to leave you to entertain you all day on Monday while I'm gone. It immediately hit me. You should be enjoying the theme song to season 2 of the hit TV show "Gimme a Break" sung by my favorite (after Dina Lohan) Nell Carter! After you watch this opening scene for the 14th time, please check out some of my blogging friends sites. Wait, was there any punctuation needed in that previous sentence?

~ CelebritySmack

~ EvilBeet

~ NinjaDude

~ ThatGuy

~ FatBack

~ PopBytes

~ AgentBedHead

~ HollyScoop

~ GMMR

~ MeeVee

~ DListed

~ GabSmash

~ GossipOrTruth

~ Yeeeah

~ Glunp

Heather Mills: Wooden Cameltoe?

It seems like just yesterday I was talking about a "first for cameltoe" when Nelly Furtado introduced the "denim cameltoe." However, now it seems like the cameltoe continues to break new ground. Heather Mills, from Dancing With the Stars, is introducing "wooden cameltoe." This really brings the cameltoe to a whole new level since the wooden leg adds a bit of mystery to the cameltoe itself. One wonders, "Where does the wooden leg connect and how will the wooden leg impact the cameltoe region." Don't worry, my friends, this is what the great philosophers of our time have been pondering for years.

Heather Mills is caught with her wooden cameltoe leaving a West Hollywood dance studio. It is been reported that Heather is claiming that she will do a "trick" with her leg in one of the dance numbers. Seriously, unless she takes her leg off during the dance and plays it like a guitar, I'm not interested.

Award winning journalism. Award winning.

Who Shot That Wooden Cameltoe!?!

Britney Spears Alive and Wiggin'

Britney Spears is fresh outta rehab and back on the town. With the days of the "anti-Christ" being behind her, Britney felt it was time for some sushi so she "headed" off to Shu-Sushi House Onico. Technically, I don't know what two of those words meant.

Britney is out celebrating after she won a bit of a legal battle against a certain "John Doe" (not me) who was leaking stories about her while she was at Camp Promises Rehab in Malibu. Get ready to get a legal education here at IBBB. This "emergency injunction" is against that mystery person who was blabbing all of Britney's random secrets in rehab. This "injunction" is intended to "restrain the person or persons known as "John Doe"...from further disclosures invading her privacy."

Britney is also trying to force some "U.K. media organizations" to reveal their secret source(s) so that Britney can take specific legal action against them. Oh crap the janitor is screwed!

It's good to see Britney not chained to a bed anymore and with all the different wigs she now has, Britney can really give Jan Brady a real run for her money. Some people are saying that it's going to be hard to tell if it's really Britney because of all of the different color wigs. My thoughts? White trash doesn't discriminate, it knows no color.

Who Said That!?!

Marcia Brady Was a Skinny Coke Head

If it wasn't the 1970's Maureen McCormick, Marsha Brady, would have shaved off her hair and used an umbrella as a weapon too, but it was the 1970's so she settled for a good old fashion eating disorder and cocaine habit.

Maureen McCormick admits to People Magazine that she used to snort coke and she even suffered from bulimia. As the old saying goes, "what comes first the drugs or the bulimia?" Well, in Marsha's case her bulimia came first once she turned 17 and had to go back to public high-school. It was her boyfriend (not Dougie Goodwin) who introduced her to cocaine. He was like, Marsha I want you to meet someone. This is cocaine. Cocaine, this is Marsha. The two quickly became friends and Marsha couldn't get enough of her new friend.

Maureen then realized that she had an addictive personality and after several relapses she claims that she has cleaned herself up through a combination of therapy and her faith.

Somewhere right now, probably in a dumpster, Jan Brady is smiling.

Who Said That!?!

Paris Takes a Cab, World Implodes

After a night of partying at Teddy's in Hollywood, Paris Hilton decided to try out what it's like to be every other American and take a filthy cab home instead of driving her Mercedes into a guard rail on the freeway. Paris sorta looks like she doesn't even want her skin toughing the seat, although I'm sure the back of a cab is a bit cleaner than Paris is.

In other Paris Hilton news, attornies are planning on filing theft charges against a bunch of screeners at LAX who are suspected to have stolen Paris Hilton's watch and some other items from her luggage. Poor guys. All they wanted was to make some quick money once they took Paris' stuff, but now they face charges and possibly even caught syphilis from her junk. That'll teach 'em.

Who Claims This!?! and Who Shot Paris!?!

Katharine McPhee Makes Cover of "Self Magazine." Bulimia Pays Off.

Katharine McPhee, who recently struggled with an eating disorder, has landed the cover of Self Magazine. My favorite part is that right above her picture is a line that says, "Lose Every Extra Pound!"

Is it just me or does Kitty Kat McPhee only have one facial expression in, literally, every single photo she's in? It's always the good old, "mouth open with the feeling 'I'm having fun.'" Yeah we get it, Kat, you're happy. Katharine was posing up a storm (with the same facial expression) at the VH1 Hollywood's Tightest Bodies party the other night and promoting her new "healthy living" attitude. I have no idea what that means. Kat may need the "Tyra Banks Pose-Off Boot Camp."

What Killed Anna Nicole Smith?

Doh! Worse than an American Idol "after the break" cliffhanger, the zany and wacky doctor in the Anna Nicole Smith case now knows what has killed her, but will leave us hanging until Monday at 10:30 AM. What Dr. Perper is going to disclose to the public is "going to be a significant announcement," according to the spokesperson for the Seminole Police Department.

I'm going to wager a few guess on what I think killed Anna Nicole. Let's see if I'm right on Monday:

• Anna chocked to death on Sugar-Pie's hairball
• Zsa Zsa Gabor bitch-slapped her to death
• Her boobs exploded
• She snorted Trimspa and karate kicked her way out of a 4 story building
• Global warming

My money is on Global Warming, as it is a silent killer. Wait, or is that Carbon Monoxide?

Who Said That!?!

...In Other News...

Fergie digs up another layer of white-trash with her "dice nails" right before she appeared on the British morning show GMTV. Side note, her face looks like it's going to fall off. In other news...
~ Someone Vote Off That Crying Little Girl on Idol ~ CelebritySmack
~ Jenna Fischer Gets a Little Skanky, Good For Her ~ FatBack
~ Rumor Willis Eats Condoms, Pass it On ~ NinjaDude
~ Pete Doherty in the Buff. Bleach in eyes...NOW ~ AgentBedHead
~ What Does Victoria Beckham Hate About Herself? ~ PopBytes
~ Ryan Seacrest Makes a No-No on Idol ~ GMMR
~ Set Your Tivo - What's On Tonight? ~ MeeVee

Gisele Not Pregnant; Hot Again

So Gisele, after 3 weeks, has decided to tell the world that she is not pregnant with Tom Brady's baby. Yeah, way to tackle this rumor so quickly. You could have given birth by now. Gisele was on the Spanish TV show, Corazon de Primavera, which is Spanish for "Tell Me You're Pregnant" when Gisele claimed the following:

"It's crazy how people can make up these stories. I'm not pregnant and I'm not planning to be pregnant anytime soon. I have so many contracts to do, so many projects. It's just something I don't want now - it's something for the future...I'm 26 years old, for Christ's sake! Why would I have a baby now?"

Uh, Gisele please don't take the Lord's name in vain. Rude. I know so many young women who put off pregnancy because they "have so many contracts to do," but in the end they didn't and ended up pregnant and living in the projects. So, you're on a slippery slope Gisele.

Oh, and by the way, prove your not pregnant. I don't care you "said" you're not pregnant. I need you to prove it. Hold a press conference and repeatedly do shots of vodka on camera. That will convince me. Until then I will always think you are "with child." Even 2 years from now I'll think it. I'll just assume you had an extra long pregnancy.

Who Said That!?!

America's Next Top Model: Vogue Poses?

America's Next Top Model clearly must be running out of things to do. This weeks episode consists of a "play dead" challenge and "voguing through lasers." Really? Resident IBBB ANTM writer/commenter, Jenny, reviews this weeks crapisode.

• I just noticed that the stamps on the "Tyra Mail" are a picture of Tyra's face. I also don't know why I am surprised.
• Renee says she is going to change her bad attitude. I think it's nice that she's not going to be a beast anymore. She then draws a picture of Jael in a straight jacket and gives it to her. Jael thanks her and really likes the picture. What? Am I drunk?
• What is a pose coach? And what is a "Benny Ninja?"
• Benny Ninja show the girls how to vogue-pose. Oh I get it, this week's photo shoot must be in 1989.
• Jael burns her face with the curling iron. I don't really understand this because Jael doesn't have any hair. She must have been trying to curl her cheek...
• The girls have 2 minutes to crawl through a "laser" maze without touching any of the "lasers" They must vogue-pose as they maneuver around the"lasers." It was stupid when Tom Cruise did it in Mission Impossible, and it's stupid now. Also, why is Benny Ninja judging this? Isn't Dr. Evil the resident expert on "lasers?"
• Whitney wins this challenge and wins a $40,000 bracelet! She decides to keep the bracelet as opposed to selling it because it has "sentimental value." Sentimental value? Didn't she just win it 7 seconds ago?
• The girls have the typical fight over the phone. Why is this an issue on every single reality show? I hate the phone.
• This week's photo shoot theme is "Crime Scene." So, kinda like the living dead. Basically, zombies. Tyra must be drawing from old Michael Jackson videos, which really is a crime in and of itself. Just kidding....don't think I don't remember where I was the first time Michael Jackson did the moon walk on the Mowtown 25th Anniversary Special. EEE-HEE!
• During the judging panel, I am happy to see that Tyra is sticking with the 80's theme by sporting a spiral-like perm and a big thick headband. Rad! Makes me want to head straight to the roller rink. All skate, change direction!
• Blah, blah, blah Felicia (Tyra look-a-like) gets the axe. Personally, I don't think Tyra likes the idea of someone looking just like her, unless it's her own reflection in the mirror. Oh well baby Tyra, you can always have a career as Tyra's stand in.

People Buy J. Lo Cd's?

I'm always amazed when Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx sells some albums. Apparently I've been wrong that J. Glow can't sing because people overseas are buying up her music like their the last 10 flu shots and it's flu season. Yeah, no clue what that was supposed to mean. The photos were taken at Casa de Madrid in Spain as Saint Jennifer was given Four Platinum Discs. Apparently you can use those four discs as currency to buy groceries.

Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx is hoping to prove critics wrong that say she can't sing. Oh, and by "critics" I mean the entire world population (minus Tajikistan, sorry). With J. Glow's new album titled, "Como Ama Una Mujer," which either is Spanish for "Only Dogs Can Hear This" or "I'll Cut You, Bitch!" will be all in Spanish and has the goal of proving that J. Glow "has a surprisingly strong voice." I say just stick to "Waiting for Tonight" and "She Bangs, She Bangs." That was Jennifer Lopez, right?

I can't wait for her new album to make it's way on American radio. Me gusta el hockey. There's nothing I like better than listening to a language I can't understand while driving. Regardless of the lyrics, I will be singing along with the lyrics to "If You Had My Love." I may even throw in a little Macarena while driving. Only my airbag can stop me!

Who Shot That!?!

Justin Timberlake Does "The Diss" to MTV

I place "the diss" in quotes so that people know I'm hip and cool and use awesome hipster catch phrases like "the diss." Do people even say "diss" anymore? I hope so, that would be neat. Anyway, while I usually think that Justin Timberlake is a jackass I realize that me and him have a lot in common. First, he stole the "i'm bringing sexy back" theme from my blog "i'm bringing blogging back" (prove it that I'm lying). Second, we're both jackasses. And third, Justin lets people know his thoughts about MTV reality television in Details Magazine that's out this month. Here's what Justin had to say in regards to his thoughts on the tabloids:

"I despise what they do. They create soap operas out of people's lives. [Cameron and I] had our thing, and it's over. They edit that stuff like MTV edits reality shows. It's a spin game, and I choose not to take part in it."

Dude, don't knock MTV reality shows. They may be scripted and edited, but they're great. Sure they rot your brain, but it's those MTV reality shows that get more than half of America through their hung-over weekends. God bless The Hills, including the editors of The Hills. If it wasn't for that editing do you think anyone would watch? Who wants to see Heidi having a real conversation? Not me. I want to see the edited version where Heidi spews out crap that doesn't make sense. So, Justin, in closing...wait where was I? Who cares. Moving on.

Dina Lohan is the White Tyra Banks

People thought they were funny when they said that Dina Lohan was the "white Oprah" because Dina was trying to be a talkshow host. Yeah, that's too easy. If you really think about it Dina is more like the white Tyra Banks. No matter what the topic, Dina always seems to bring things back to her.

Somehow Dina made it into the pages of BazAAr magazine because I guess she does...something? I know she's Lindsay Lohan's mother, but I think that's where it ends. Here's what Dina had to say:

"Look at me," Dina Lohan said in the latest Harper's Bazaar, in which she talked about her daughter's run-ins with celebrity photographers. "Diana will happen again."

Dina on critics of her parenting techniques: "I'm living the American dream, and you can go . . ."

Dina on wearing Lindsay's clothes and partying with the young actress: "If you can button it and clip it when you're in your 40s, you're going out."

Dina on introducing herself as her daughter's personal assistant: "I don't want them to know I'm her mom. It's a whole 'nother demographic. People just go dark."

Dina on the other panty-less members of the "Bimbo Summit" - Paris Hilton and Britney Spears: "They're the American dream. They're the Trumps of the little world, these kids. Paris is a really smart girl, and she's come really far. Paris' mom was wonderfully embracing to me. You know, you can't blame parents for kids."

Dina on whether her daughter is an alcoholic: "Noooo! She is just a 20-year-old who had to reel it in. And she's from an addictive personality genetically. And in that world, they give you things like candy. Hurt your ankle? 'Let's give her something.'"

Yeah Dina rocks. Oh, and by "rocks" I actually mean "is white trash." I love it when mothers dress like 16 year old whores and tell people to go "f" themselves. Very sweet. "Angel-like" actually.

Special thanks to FadedYouth for the interview info.

...In Other News...

~ Gisele Supermodel/Shoe Salesman ~ AgentBedHead
~ Courtney Cox is Dirrrrty...Get It? ~ CelebritySmack
~ DBeck ~ EvilBeet
~ What Isn't Wrong with Nicole Richie? ~ HollyScoop
~ Jennifer Aniston Gets Dirrrrty. Get It? ~ PopBytes
~ Tara Conner Sober and Boring ~ FatBack
~ Sandler Trumps Letterman ~ NinjaDude

Hide Your Umbrellas, Britney Has Been Released From Rehab! Run Britney, Run!

As I skillfully reported last night that Britney would be checking herself out of Promise of a New Day rehab it looks like that actually came true. Britney has un-cuffed herself from the radiator in her room and has left the rehab facility after playing the "get well soon" game for 30 days. No word yet if her green umbrella will be spending an additional 30 days at the facility to deal with its anger issues.

Britney's manager, Larry Rudolph, gave the following boring statement:

"[Britney] has been released by the Promises Malibu Treatment Center after successfully completing their program."

Wow. Interesting. If I had issued a statement it would have gone a little something like this:

"After claiming she was the anti-Christ, wreaking havoc, and declaring jihad on the Promises Malibu Treatment Center, Britney Spears has checked out of the facility to claim she is the anti-Christ, wreak havoc, and declare jihad on the following cities: Malibu, Hollywood, and Los Angeles. Please continue to follow her with cameras over the next few weeks as pictures of her taking her first drink could potentially pay for your new home. Good day."

Who Said That!?!

Eva Longoria Throws Little Girl in Trunk

Uh, does anyone wanna help that little girl out? Yeah you with the camera...taking the picture. Yes, you! Seriously, is Eva Longoria just walking off with this little girl? She'll stop at nothing to have a baby. Nothing! It looks like she's been studying with some of the great kidnappers. She has all the stereotypical things in place such as, being at the mall, luring the kid with life-size bags of snacks, orange soda, and then the simple toss right into the trunk. Now the only thing that Eva is missing is her kidnapper/molester socks. Better luck next time. Oh and the first person who writes in saying that this is just her niece please don't ever read this blog again. Thanks.

Harriet Carter: The One With the Repeat

Blogs are a funny thing. You feel like you have this set audience, but every day new people discover your site for the very first time. The most common question I get this time of the week is "What is Harriet Carter!?!" I forget that if you're new to the site you don't understand where Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday began. So, just like every bad 80's sitcom, let's go back in time to the very first Harriet Carter post that took place in October of 2006. Here's how it all began:

10/2006 - So after having numerous conversations with many of the IBBB readers over the past few weeks, I see one common theme. You want me to expand. So, I give you exactly what you want. I present to you my new weekly segment: "Harriet Carter - Get Used to Her Because She Ain't Goin' Nowhere Anytime Soon." Catchy title, huh?

Let me quickly give you the background info on my experiences with Harriet Carter. First off, I don't want to try to oversell this, but THIS IS THE BEST CATALOG THAT IS ON THE MARKET TO DATE! They have been peddling this cheap crap for like 58 years, no joke. Growing up in Boston, my sister and I used to wait for the Harriet Carter catalog to arrive in the mail so that we could laugh ourselves to death over the products that are in the catalog. They truly are priceless. We've been looking through this catalog for the past 20 years so I figured why not share it with all of you. I'll be choosing certain kick-ass products to hilight each week. God Bless Harriet Carter and God Bless America!


First off, we have the good old "finger nose and ear trimmer." I mean nothing says class quite like looking like you're actually picking your nose and then putting it in your ear. I mean with this nose trimmer you and the family will literally be laughing for 10's of seconds. I hope this guy pushes his finger right through to the other side.

Next up we have some nice "tractor suspenders" which just scream NYC chic. I'm getting these and am wearing them to the bar. I'll let you know what the girls think.

Finally, we have your typical "beer helmet." Perfect for the true alcoholic with the ability to carry multiple beers at the same time and a sturdy enough helmet to protect even the biggest drunk from going right through the front windshield. Don't forget to take this off once you get to your AA meeting, but only because they're usually in the basement of a church and wearing a hat in church is disrespectful.

Now let's move onto the apparel and home accessories aisle. I just want to remind everyone that these items ARE NOT JOKES. They are legit products.

Perhaps my personal favorite of the entire catalog is the pillow that says, "A Life Without Horses...I Don't Think So!" What the F is that supposed to mean? Who's threatening to take away horses? And, why the hell would you ever put that saying on a pillow? I don't care what part of the country you're from. If you have that pillow you should get the electric chair. And, is that guy with the bat on his head supposed to be scary? He looks like he's taking a crap. If someone showed up to my house wearing that on Halloween I would suffocate them with my "horse pillow."

Well folks, that concludes my very first segment of "Harriet Carter: Get Used to Her Because She Ain't Goin' Nowhere Anytime Soon!" If you didn't enjoy it that's ok, but it will be here each week so please only praise this new segment.

Britney's Cured & Ready to Leave Rehab

What a difference a month makes! Britney Spears is planning on breaking free from Promise of a New Day Rehab in Malibu later this week. I didn't know you could cure "crazy" in just 1 month. I've been trying for over 2 years.

Random drunken sources are claiming that she and KFed had an "amazing meeting" on Sunday and are figuring out who will have custody of their two kids (What's His Face, and, The Other One). I guess the plan will be a 50/50 split for now, but later on Britney will take full custody while KFed will have visitation rights.

Yeah, that's sweet. Something tells me that part of the 50/50 split will include some of Britney's money. Look, sure I hope Britney "gets well soon"but she better not get all serious and stuff. Half the reason why people love her is her ability to be psychotic. I love me some crazies. Hopefully Britney will be back to making horribly sung music in no time! Watch out Shakira.

Who Claims Insanity!?!

...In Other News...

Eva Longoria will apparently do just about anything to win. Eva was the big winner at the charity poker (Poke her? I hardy know her!?) tournament in LA. Eva won some cash money for her charity, "Parents Against Cancer." Please don't tell me there's a charity called, "Parents For Cancer?" In other news...

~ Gene Simmons Killed My Dog ~ NinjaDude
~ Kirsten Dunst is a Cheap Whore! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Great-Grandma Fergie Has Officially Turned Orange ~ EvilBeet
~ Lindsay Hearts Misty 120's ~ DListed
~ Anna Nicole Smith Movie? You Waaant a Viper? ~ MeeVee
~ Rose McGowan, That Little Tease! ~ FatBack
~ New TV Shows in the Works ~ GMMR
~ Bobby Brown to Replace Flav? ~ GabSmash

MTV The Hills: Lauren's 21st Birthday

Woo-hoo it's Lauren's 21st birthday for the 1oth time! Awesome! You know what that means, there is only room for drunken fights, crying, slurring of words, and bad analogies from Whitney.

• Audrina and Heidi trying to plan a surprise party makes me nervous. Seriously, their plan makes no sense. I think it actually involves pissing off the birthday girl. Good idea. They're saying things to each other and then responding by saying, "yeah, good idea." Really? What the hell are they talking about? Worst plan ever.
• No joke, does Heidi do anything at work? She's on the phone at work talking to Steve Sanders and Jenn Bunney just randomly shows up. Oh and by "randomly" I mean "scripted/instructed."
• Uh, Jenn Bunney is retarded. Heidi hints around 15 times that she has to go back to work because she's busy and Jenn just keeps talking. Technically, she's a retarded bunny.
• Lisa Loveless better be invited to Lauren's surprise party or I'm going to be pissed.
• Whoa, I'm shocked. Lauren actually fell for Heidi's plan to make her think that she is ditching out on her birthday plans for Steve Sanders. Lauren just got waaay stupid, yet waaaay hotter. Hmmm, dumb works for her.
• Heidi has to remind people to yell "surprise" when Lauren walks in. Is it possible to have a room filled with people who are more retarded than Heidi? Apparently so.
• Sweeeeet! Another guest appearance from Lo.
• Steve Sanders gives a toast to Lauren that basically goes like this, "I'm banging your friend, so if I want to continue to bang her I'll say a few nice words to you." Oh, and somehow Steve managed to cram more teeth into his mouth. Perhaps he borrowed some teeth from Audrina?
• I couldn't be more disappointed that there was no drunken fighting at the bar. What a waste.
• Jenn Bunney is a crazy stalker. She just shows up at Lauren's apartment. Oh wait, here's the fight. Pheeeew!
• Hmmm Lauren has only one fighting style. She fights with Jenn the same way she fought with Heidi. She-talks-in-segments-when-she's-fighting-and-y-e-l-l-i-n-g.
• Seriously, put Jenn Bunney on suicide watch. She'll be taking a dirt nap before you know it.

Holy Christ! Be sure to tune in next week when Whitney falls down the stairs. Is there really any more to say than that? Falls. Down the stairs. Falls down the stairs.

Queen Latifah Shows Tyra Banks What It Means to Be Fat in a Swimsuit

Look, I don't care that Queen Latifah isn't in a size 4. I don't care that Queen Latifah is in a swimsuit and it photographed. I'm not one of those people who think that only thin people should go swimming. I say "wear it like it's your last time wearing it.....because you could be harpooned any minute now." No really, good for her. Really. I do care about this one particular photo because Queen Latifah really "one-up'd" Tyra Banks from just a few months ago. My prediction is that Tyra Banks will never allow another famous woman to be bigger than her in a swimsuit. Tyra will invite Queen Latifah onto her show to discuss this photo. Tyra will allow Queen Latifah to say 14 words and Tyra will take the rest of the hour to talk about when "she" was photographed in her swimsuit.

Lindsay Lohan Shows Side-Boob

Sometimes when I'm rushed I forget to put on pants and just head to work like that. What? Life's tough. Lindsay No Pants did remember her pants, this time, but forgot her bra and forgot to button her shirt while she was leaving her hotel in NYC. Toss in a light breeze and Lindsay ends up flashing a little side-boob. This should be fine to show on my site as they used to always show side-boob on NYPD Blue. Well, that was a 10pm, so perhaps come back tonight and click on the picture.

At first I thought the maybe Lindsay couldn't afford a bra, but then I just read that Lindsay sold a condo that she never lived in and made $500K on the deal. That's great! Sorry, that was fake. I could care less. Wait, unless Lindsay wants to give me some of that money? I'll take $360,000 to never blog again. Start taking that can door to door and raise some money to stop me once and for all! Make checks payable to: Your Mother.

Who Shot That Side-Boob!?!

Nicole Richie to Burn in the Pits of Hell

On this scripted season of the reality show "The Simple Life" Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton will be working as camp counselors at many different Southern California camps. One of those camps will be a "fat camp" that helps kids overcome their weight issues in a very healthy way. That "way" will all come to end when Paris and Nicole show up and really teach these kids how to shed those pounds by utilizing the following tools:

• The ever popular "toothbrush"
• The always handy "finger"
• Prefect throat measurement with a "ruler"
• The gotta puke on the run "pen"

Seriously, is this a joke? Sadly it isn't. Why would someone listen to Nicole Richie on eating advice? That's like me giving "nice lessons" to kindergarten kids. It just doesn't make sense. That's like having Tyra Banks give "humble lessons." Ok one more. That's like Fantasia Barrino giving "smiling lessons." Yeah, that's right. Smiling lessons. They exist.

There were so many titles I could have given this post, but let's face it, "Nicole Richie to Burn in the Pits of Hell" is all encompassing. Now don't get me wrong, I know I'll be there too so save the hate mail. Like I said before as long as I can get a tan and an iced coffee every now and then I think hell will be a real hoot. I hope to interview Nicole while I'm there. The tough part will be finding a way to share that interview with all of you while I'm in hell. More than likely I'll provide instructions on how to contact me via a Ouija board. Someone just remind me.

Who Shot Those Stick!?!

Dancing With the Stars. I Can't.

I'm sorry I tried. After a ton of emails from IBBB readers hoping that I would recap each weeks episode of Dancing With the Stars with the same brilliance as my "The Hills" recap (their words not mine) I tried to watch it. I did. I tried. I committed to 13 minutes to see what happens. It hurt. It actually hurt my eyes. Truth be told I wanted to see what Heather Mills would do. She didn't disappoint. In the first 14 seconds she hobbled down the stairs. You totally knew she was playing up the "wooden leg sympathy - WLS" right off the bat. I anticipate more WLS from Heather as the season continues.

Next up was Steve Sanders. Now, I've been reading the book, "The Secret" and it tells you that you can attract things into life by making it the forefront of your thoughts. I am responsible for the revitalization of Steve Sanders career. I've talked about Steve Sanders in The Hills each week. Now, the real Steve Sanders is back on TV. You're welcome Steve.

So, here is where I stopped watching. Steve Sanders comes out dancing and his shirt and pants are so tight. I immediately reach for the bleach to pour in my eyes. I wonder why the clothes are so tight. That thought passes as Steve's "dancing" makes me embarrassed. What is he doing with his hips? What does that even mean? I don't get it. I feel like a woman watching this. I immediately change the channel, eat a steak, drink a beer, and search the Internet for Antonella Barba "up-skirt" pics.

I'm sorry everyone, I tried. I just can't.

Salma! You're Turning Violet!

Yup. Salma Hayek is still pregnant. No news here. So, I will take this opportunity to provide advice. I'm helpful, right?

Rule #4,742: "If you are gaining weight due to pregnancy or other circumstances (you enjoy Devil Dogs), please stay away from clothes that make you look like a life size piece of fruit (i.e a blueberry).

Please note, this rule does not apply if you happen to be dressed as a piece of fruit, intentionally, in a Fruit of the Loom commercial. Pencils down. Class dismissed.

Who Shot Violet!?!

...In Other News...

Either Fergie had a stroke or she stole my Nana's pants. Either way I don't think that technically she could pull them up any higher as she was tooling around London over the weekend. Fergie's song, "Glamorous" hit Billboard's #1 in London proving that the British love to spell. In other news...

~ Kim Kardashian Doesn't Look When She Drives ~ CelebritySmack

~ Emma Watson to Never Leave Harry Potter. Ever. ~ FatBack
~ Trump Hates Bush. The Apprentice. ~ EvilBeet
~ Posh Tries to Make David Into a Woman (ish) ~ AgentBedhead
~ Kirsten Dunst Gives White-Trash a Bad Name ~ DListed
~ What the Hell is Peg Bundy Up To? ~ MeeVee
~ Lindsay Either Has Snoogers or is a Raging Coke Whore ~ NinjaDude
~ Witchy Olsen Parks Broomstick, Gets Coffee ~ GabSmash
~ Help Britney With Your Words ~ GossipOrTruth
~ Reason #4,538 Why A-Rod is a Retard ~ ThatGuy

Oprah Opens a Second School; Has Cameltoe

Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey has opened up a second school in South Africa, which is an environmentally friendly school and an Oprah friendly school. I don't know what that means. The school which is named, "Seven Fountains Primary School" was funded by her Angel Network. Oprah declared, "The Seven Fountains School is an example of what schools in South Africa can become." Yeah, they can become that if rich and famous talk-show hosts build them. No pressure Ricki Lake.

As Oprah opened the school to a packed audience teachers and students chanted, "Long Live Oprah, long live!" No joke, they actually said that. The skies then opened and God raised up Oprah, pushed aside Jesus and allowed Oprah to sit "at the right hand of the Father." God then hi-fived Oprah and she taught God how to "z-snap" just like Tyra Banks. Heaven must be a real hoot. I'll fill you in on what hell is like...eventually.

Seriously, as much as I want to joke, this really is a great thing that Oprah has done. She's a great example of what someone with money can do and not be afraid to do. She literally is making a difference in so many peoples lives. I mean, not mine, but whatever. However, just because Oprah is doing these "good deeds" does NOT mean that she can escape my "IBBB Cameltoe Rating System....to the Stars!"

Nice try Oprah, but you've been captured with "the camel" all the way over in South Africa. Seriously, this must be the richest cameltoe alive. Am I a bit jealous? Sure. I give this 3 out of 5 camels. Oprah really made this one her own.

As a side note, is it ironic that in the picture of Oprah with her hands up consists of dark black storm clouds over the children, yet bright and sunny skies directly over Oprah? I don't think so. I told you she has some type of deal with God!

As a second side note, a friend was text messaging me while I was writing up this story and when this friend asked me what I was doing I replied, "just adding camels to Oprah's cameltoe." Seriously, who says that? Nobody. I guarantee that sentence has never been said before. Ever.

Who Shot That Cameltoe!?!

Carol Burnett Hates Cartoons Bad!

According to USA Today Carol Burnett is suing Fox for $2 million (insert Dr. Evil laugh here____) due to copyright infringement on an episode of the Family Guy. In the episode in question, they used a likeness of Carol Burnett's "Charwoman" character as a porn shop cleaning woman. I thought it was brilliant, but I guess Carol is pissed. A statement that was issued from Fox summed it up best when it said:

"Family Guy, like The Carol Burnett Show, is famous for its pop culture parodies and satirical jabs at celebrities. We are surprised that Ms. Burnett, who has made a career of spoofing others on television, would go so far as to sue Family Guy for a simple bit of comedy."

Seriously? Does Carol smell burnt toast? Is she having a stroke? Lighten up. I think the creators of Gone With the Wind should sue Carol for her spoof on that movie. Yeah, that's right I said it. Spoof. I also think Mr. Ed should sue Carol for stealing his horse teeth. Yeah, horse teeth. I'm fired up.

An Olsen Eats

Ashley Olsen is spotted eating with a friend in Beverly Hills over the weekend. It could be another Olsen, I have no idea. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen the photos with my own eyes. This is good to see. It also reminds me of that one Full House episode where DJ didn't eat for 3 days because she wanted to fit into a swimsuit for Cathy Santone's birthday pool party. DJ almost passed out while at the gym, but Stephanie finally ratted her out to Danny, Uncle Jesse, and Uncle Joey. That day Stephanie really saved DJ's life because if she kept that behavior up she would have dropped down to a size 16 and could have died. Even though the Olsen's were too little to remember that episode I'm sure they've watched the reruns and know to eat. Good job Ashley-Michelle-Mary-Tanner-Kate-Olsen! You show that salad who's the boss (another great show, by the way)! Just don't show off about it!

P.S There's no new Olsen news. They're still rich and skinny. The end.

Victoria Beckham Signs Reality TV Deal

According to Poshtoria's Blog she has successfully and officially signed a "prestigious television deal with NBC." This show that has been deemed a "unique series" will be made by Simon Fuller's (American Idol) 19TV and will air later this summer. Nice! Nothing like throwing this show together in a few short months.

In preparation for seeing Poshtoria all over TV this summer, young girls all across American have already begun vomiting over their toilets. Stock in toothbrushes is also expected to soar.

That's right, my friends, you can also learn about the stock-market here at IBBB. It's very well rounded over here.

Raven Symone Gives in to Hollywood

So I have no reason to post anything about Raven Symone except to prove a bit of a point. Above is the latest photo of Raven Symone who clearly gave in to the demands of Hollywood and started to shed the pounds. Now, I was at Skybar in LA not too long ago on a Saturday night when Raven Symone and some of her friends walked in. My first thought was that I was getting very old if little Raven Symone of the Cosby Show fame was drinking at the same bar I was at. Then me and my friend that I was with realized how much thinner she got. After text messaging my friends in Boston that I just saw random Raven Symone, almost every single person responded back saying she was huge (not in fame, but size). Nobody believed me that she lost weight. This post/picture is for them. Raven and her friends were literally yelling "woo-hoo 21!" over and over again. I officially knew I was old at the point. Minutes later I was yelling the same thing. 17 vodka-tonics will do that to you. Raven exited.

In random Raven Symone news that I could dig up, it looks like Raven and Martin Lawrence will be teaming up for the Disney comedy "College Road Trip" and will start production this summer. Wow! Sounds terrible! Can't wait to see it when it goes direct to DVD.

...In Other News...

Rose McGowan and Rosario Dawson are playing the dry-hump game at the ShoWest convention for their horror movie "Groundhouse." I like when be show the literal translation. Good for them. In other news...

~ Angelina Makes New Son Cry. He Doesn't Know He's Rich Yet. ~ CelebritySmack
~ Tila Tequila Tries to Sell Out, Fails ~ AgentBedHead
~ Larry Birkhead and Lawyer Break Up ~ EvilBeet
~ Jessica Simpson Wants to Adopt? ~ FBC
~ Ashley Olsen Got Shot in the Arse ~ NinjaDude
~ Sinbad is Alive ~ MeeVee
~ Bobby Trendy is the Baby Daddy? ~ DListed

Britney Plays Tennis; Rehab a Blast!

Britney Spears may have been trying to hang herself with a bed sheet and screaming that she was the anit-Christ a few weeks ago, but yesterday she was running up and down the tennis court and having a good old time with balls flying by her face. I guess somethings won't ever change.

Seriously, Promise of a New Day rehab seems like a blast. Next time I head out to LA I'm totally going to stay there. They have a huge pool, tennis court, and Britney Spears basically lives there. Toss in a few "Hollywood Walk of Fame" stars on the ground and a couple of mini Oscar award replicas and you've got yourself a real tourist trap. I love it.

According to X17Online Britney and a fellow patient were having fun playing a little tennis, although they only played for about 8 minutes. It's good to see Britney smile again. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night sweating because all I dream about it is an angry and bald Britney coming after me with a green umbrella.

Rumors are also flying that Britney will be checking out of rehab early to attend her ex-husbands birthday party in LA. I hope she stays a little while longer because I'm looking forward to seeing more pictures of Promises rehab. I want to know all about what my stay will be like.

Why I Heart Dina Lohan

It always seems like it's always about Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay! What about Dina? Dina, clearly my favorite of all the Lohan's, is shooting a little sass to the photographers has she and her daughter spend a little "sister-sister" time shopping in Soho (NYC) at the Chanel store. I heart Dina. She seems like a whole pile of crazy and you know that I love me some crazies. You gotta love a "mom" who dresses just like her 21 year old daughter. Bleached-blond long hair, tanned to the max, and a face full of make up. Brilliant.

Talks of Dina's own talk show have died down a bit. I hope it still ends up happening. I really wanted to white-trash up my Tivo a bit and I think this will really help with that initiative. As a side note I feel like Dina could literally kick some ass....not with her show, I actually mean I think she can physically kick the crap out of people, many people, large groups of people and all at once!

Who Shot Dina!?!

Breaking News: Tonya Harding Still Nuts

It seems like just yesterday that Tonya Harding was planning on breaking the leg of Nancy Kerrigan, the original horse face (too late Julia Roberts), right before the Olympics. Fast forward about 15 years and Tonya is still crazier than a shit-house rat.

It appears that Tonya called the police in her hometown at 4:56 a.m freaking out to police that someone was trying to steal her car and stash rifles on the side of her property. Hmmm, interesting. About 4 hours later a friend of Tonya's called back the police and informed them that Tonya was "tweaking out and seeing animals." Her friend said that Tonya was staying with her and was not violent, but she was worried about her own kids welfare. When the police arrived to follow up on these crazy little calls they reported that Tonya was very agitated and was glancing everywhere. Tonya claimed she was on a new medication and was having a bad reaction to it.

In perhaps what is my favorite part of this story...the authorities then took Tonya safely back to her trailer. No joke, it's really a trailer. Now I would have assumed it was and made the joke it was, but in actuality the report really claimed that she lives in a trailer. It's like sometimes the jokes just write themselves, you know?

Who Said That!?!

"Head to Hollywood Night" - Fitting

Carmen Electra hosted the "Head to Hollywood" charity benefit at the LA Kings game at the Staples Center last night. Head to Hollywood is a great charity that is designed to raise money for brain tumor survivors and their families. This program allows these families to escape from the stress of dealing with their situations and hang out with some celebrities and attend VIP events. That's great, really. Ok, so now I said my nice piece. Moving on. Is it just me or is it difficult to believe any of the people in the above picture know anything about hockey or even know how to hold a stick (well, Ryan aside). Also, is it normal that Giuliana Depandi is that orange? I mean, that's real orange. The spray-tan booth must have declared Jihad on her when she walked into it.

Who Shot Them!?!

...In Other News...

Fantasia Barrino gets ready for her stint in "The Color Purple" and sports some cool new braces. I didn't even know she needed them (insert sarcastic overtone here ____). I hope she gets the green colored elastics on her braces for Saint Patrick's Day. In other news...

~ Yeah I'm Too Old for MTV Real World Too ~ EvilBeet
~ Kid Rock Will Beat Your Ass...If You're a Woman ~ CelebritySmack
~ Who Wants to See The Newest Jolie-Pitt? ~ NinjaDude
~ Carmen Electra Falls, Boobs Stay Still ~ DListed
~ Chris Rock Says Bush is a Retard ~ HollyScoop
~ Lindsay's Dad Out of Prison, Still Strange ~ AgentBedhead

Angelina Jolie Adoption is Official

According to Multiple Persons Magazine the adoption is officially official for Angelina Jolie. Official. Angelina adopted her 3-year old Vietnamese son and named him "Pax Thien Jolie." What in the hell does that mean, you ask? Pax Thien means "peaceful sky." Jolie and PaxMan will stay in Vietnam for about a week until PaxMan can get a passport.

I'm pissed. Angelina had another chance to adopt me and she passed up the opportunity. I already have my passport Angelina! Big mistake. Big mistake. I could have saved her like $60.00 in passport fees. Oh well, it's too late now. No substitutions.

Angelina headed to the orphanage store early this morning to pick up her kid, but she was only with Maddox and not Brad Pitt. Angelina's international advisor had said, "Brad very much wanted to be there but is under contract working on a film in Los Angeles and as a result couldn't go." Yeah whatever, you know he is sick of Angelina's adoption addiction.

Oh well, good luck and congratulations. I'm tossing my name in the ring again when Angelina tries to adopt her 15th kid.

Britney Does a Ton of Coke

It has been rumored that Britney Spears has been upping her coke intake since staying at Promise of a New Day rehab in sunny Malibu. Star magazine has reported that Britney is drinking up to 24 cans of coke per day. Per day! I don't even know if that is humanly possible. No joke, after 24 cans of coke she must be spitting out her teeth or they must be just falling out on their own.

An "insider" at the rehab facility has also told Star that Britney isn't being the ideal patient while she is there. According to the random drunken source:

"Britney has a seriously bad attitude problem. She's been very demanding; acts like a 12-year-old and throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants! She refuses to pick up after herself and even asked if she could hire a maid! She's asking for this and that, special food, special everything...and she's not that nice to anyone."

Um, maybe she's not that nice to anyone because so far every other person that's been at the rehab facility has been going to various press outlets and telling them the play-by-play on what's been going on with Britney. Yeah, she could be pissed about that.

Who Said That!?!

America's Next Top Model: The Makeover

Resident America's Next Top Model writer for ImBringingBloggingBack, Jenny, is back for a third week sharing her feelings with what took place in this episode and how ANTM is single-handedly bringing back the "z-snap!" Here's Jenny....

Week three kicks off with the best episode of the season...the make-over episode. It does not disappoint, as it consists of it's typical "girls crying their eyes out over their new hair-dos."

• Tyra does an awesome acting job, showing up in her pajamas and curlers...pretending they aren't doing the makeover show. Phew, for a minute I actually believed her. She really got me! Whatever. She takes her acting to a whole new level when she falls down screaming and crying as they fake cut her hair. I hope she sends this clip in to the Academy. Or to the mental institution. Either way, she's a shoe in.
  
• Miss Jay gets a makeover of his own. He "flat-irons" his hair. Wicked pretty. Yeah, that's right I said wicked.
  
• One chick painfully spends EIGHT HOURS getting her hair braided, only for Tyra to decide that it "just isn't working for her." She makes them take it all out and cut the chick's hair into a "boys regular." If I was her, I would be so pissed at Tyra that I would punish her, by forcing her to get through an entire day without talking about herself.
  
• "Nana chick" keeps crying through the whole episode because her hair hurts. Really? Hair hurts? I guess. Well, at least they gave her some extensions and made her less "nana-like."
  
• Ex-Nana wins the challenge and chooses two boys to share in the prize with her. Oh wait...that's Jael and Sara. Damn boys regulars!
  
• I am shocked to learn that ex-nana is only 21.
  
• It's photo shoot time and this week the girls dress up like ice-cream desserts. Seriously, where do they get this stuff? Does Tyra drop acid before bed and just use whatever she dreamed about the night before? I mean. one chick had 6 marshmallows tooth-picked to her hair.
  
• During the judging, Tyra schools us on culture. Tyra says she is showing us culture when she says "Girl, you better work it....you look all hoochie!" She Z-snaps when she is saying this. Really? What culture is that?
  
• Also, ANTM is single handedly bringing back the Z-Snap and I am pissed that I didn't think of this first. I am going to bring back "Homey don't play that!"
  
• Blah, blah, blah Cassandra gets the boot this week. At least she got a free makeover. My favorite episode of the season has come to and end. Oh well. At least nana has kinda been "de-nanafied."

Halle Berry Was Hot and Homeless

Halle Berry was recently spotted leaving a doctor's office in Santa Monica with a teapot (really), but did you ever know that Halle at one point that's all she really had? Halle Berry recently told Readers Digest that she was homeless at one point when she was first getting into acting because she ran out of money and her mother refused to help her out. In order to survive Halle stayed in a homeless shelter for a short period of time. Nice! Halle must have been the hottest homeless person ever. Halle said:

"After a month or two, I ran out of money and called her. I said, 'Mum, I hate to ask you this, but could you send me some money? I just have rent money. I can't eat this week.' And she said, I'm not going to start this calling home asking Mom for money. No. Figure it out or come home.' I was so mad. I didn't speak to her for a year and a half."

Halle later credits this Ricky Lake tough love attitude with how she got to where she is today and becoming a person who knows that can always make her own way. Similar to Burger King, Halle can have it her way.

Who Said That!?! and Who Shot That!?!

Breaking News: Anna Nicole Smith Could Use a Computer

With the investigation into the death of Anna Nicole Smith (did you hear she died?) dragging out longer than an American Idol Results Show episode, authorities are now focusing in on a computer that Anna had in her room where she died. More shocking was that Anna could even use a computer. Even more shocking than that it has been rumored that Anna can type of 85 words per minute! Ok, so I started that rumor. Pass it on.

Anyway, TMZ.com has discovered that the wife of Anna Nicole's bodyguard, Big Moe (no really) was on the computer at Anna's bedside right before Anna died. While Big Moe's wife is not a suspect or of interest at this point, the authorities are interested on some of the information on that computer.

Now my hypothesis is that Big Moe's wife and Anna were playing a good old game of "Oregon Trail." Big Moe's wife was the "farmer" and Anna was the "banker from Boston." They each had three oxen and spent a ton of time out in the forest trying to shoot squirrel and the occasional buffalo that moved really slow. The buffalo didn't come that often, but when they did you could always kill them because they walked across the screen at a snails pace. Anyway, the "banker from Boston" typically died from typhoid, so my guess is that Anna Nicole Smith died from typhoid. Oregon Trail anyone? Anyone?

...In Other News...

~ Salt N Pepa: Before N After ~ CelebritySmack
~ Beckham Signs on For Movie Role ~ HollyScoop
~ Is Britney Happy in Rehab? ~ GabSmash
~ Stallone Busted With Steroids...No!? ~ Yeeeah!
~ Antonella Barba Family Portrait ~ NinjaDude
~ Lindsay is Eating All the Leftovers ~ EvilBeet
~ Awkward Rock N Roll Hall of Fame Photos ~ AgentBedHead
~ Katie Holmes Disobeys, Gets Punished

American Idol: Sanjaya Gets a Home Perm

As my buddy Andrew perfectly said, "I love it when Paula takes klonopin." You know what? I do too. American Idol has the craziest cast of characters in the top 12. To sum up, most of the singers crapped the bed. Moving on here are some highlights for me:

• Simon tells Ryan to come out of the closet. Ryan's tan goes from brown to red.
• Paula Abdul cries when "Doolittle" sings and then appears to be crying at her very own words.
• Sanjaya literally got a home perm. No joke. It was the kind of home perm that my mom gave to my sister when she was like 10 years old. For me it was a toss up between Shirley Temple and Rhea Perlman. While Sanjaya was not really ready for his song, he is ready for the prom with a hairstyle like that. Good for him. Good for Ogilvy.
• Diana Ross continually tells the rocker chick to "pronounciate" her words. Seriously, she told her like 7 times to "pronounciate" her words. Isn't it "annunciate?" When my spell check didn't pick it up I figured she was wrong. F7 rules.
• When you forget the lyrics and all else fails just throw up your hands like it was intentional. It worked for Haley.
• Paula insults the audience by claiming that "half the time you mess up the lyrics the audience doesn't know...the audience doesn't know anything." Hmm. Paula, are you the audience then?
• The bald dude comes out to sing. I fall asleep. When I awake, I wonder why Bull from Night Court is performing. I fall back asleep and dream of Markie Post.
• During the final moments of the show I wonder why/how I watched 2-hours of this. I then wonder how about 9 of these people ever made it to Hollywood. I then feel sad for myself.

Ryan Phillippe Mocks the Poor & Starving

Ryan Phillippe mocks the poor and starving children of the world by throwing half eaten hamburgers at them. Either that, or he's trying to help them by literally giving them his food. That's nice. Actually Ryan was being photographed by X17 Online when he lost his shiz-nit and threw his hamburger (rather poorly) at one of the photographers. Maybe he was just sharing?

There have been rumors that Ryan and Ashlee Simpson have been hooking up recently after they both were forced to sit next to each other at Les Deux, the LA club, earlier this month. The two apparently hit it off and an random drunken source said, "Ashlee was really excited, you could tell she had a huge crush on him."

Hopefully if this is true Ashlee likes hamburgers being thrown at her face. Something tells me that she does.

Who Claims This!?!

Donna Martin Gives Birth

Donna Martin has given birth to David Silver's baby! It seems like just yesterday Donna was being tossed down a flight of stairs by her boyfriend Ray on 90210, but fast forward about 10 years and Tori Spelling has given birth to a son, Liam Aaron McDermott, who was 6 pounds, 6 ounces. Even Tori's mother, Candy, was at the hospital to welcome this kid into his new "billionaire-rich" world. Candy and Tori have mended fences after their year long feud and Candy has told People Magazine, "Words can't describe the joy and elation I feel at this truly happy event. I am looking forward to doting on my new little grandson and all the memorable fun that comes with it."

Yeah, well don't blow it Candy by being a beast. No word yet if Jim and Cindy Walsh will be flying back from Hong Kong to visit the new baby.

Wednesday's With Harriet Carter

Similar to "Tuesday's With Maury," I prefer to spend my Wednesday's with Harriet Carter. It is, of course, Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday at IBBB where I take a quick look through the crapalog of Harriet Carter products and spot myself a crappy bargain to talk about. Let's roll...

Product # 1 - In typical Harriet Carter fashion, she really likes to exaggerate things that don't need to be exaggerated. Do you ever think you have too many remote controls? Do you ever think that a good solution to this problem is getting one giant life size remote control? Yeah, me either. However Harriet is allowing you replace all those controls with a huge remote that can actually be used as a weapon and it takes a family of 4 to push one button to change the channel. Ridiculous. Why? I just ask why over and over again. What kind of table to you put that on? How many batteries would one of those take?

Product # 2 - Happy Graduation! You worked so hard over the last 4 years and what better way to celebrate that than with this tacky graduation plaque!? It says, "The hassle was worth the tassel!" Really? Yeah if someone ever got that for me when I graduated I would have just handed it back to them. No joke. I wouldn't even say anything. I would unwrap it, look at it, put it back in the wrapping paper, hand it back to the person, and then walk them to the door without ever saying a word. Uh, school wasn't so much a "hassle" as it was a 4-year black out. I'm not sure what rhymes with "stomach pumped from alcohol poisoning" but if Harriet can rhyme something with that, that should go on the plaque.

Product # 3 - Harriet has clearly covered that you are lazy, but now your dog can be too! Is your little disease filled terror to lazy to walk up the stairs? Well, don't make him use his legs like an...er...animal, just toss your dog into this harness and drag him up the stairs....literally. I say don't just stop there. Drag your dog all over the place. Tie a rope to the handle if you have to, just keep dragging. Look how sad that dog looks. He kinda looks like he wants to throw himself down the stairs after he gets dragged to the top. I wonder how Harriet would like it if someone tossed her in that harness and dragged her up the stairs.

An Olsen Shows Her Little Boy Boobs

In "I Miss Full House" news, one of the Olsen's was simply grabbing a coffee when the wind just blew Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Tanner-Olsen's blouse right open. This one particular Olsen is truly "little boy boobs to the wind" but doesn't slow down to adjust herself. She's probably used to being seen in her bra from her days back on the set of Full House. I bet pervy Uncle Joey had "forced bra's Tuesday's."

The Olsen's are also putting their love of wood into another money making scheme. They are launching their latest line of home furniture of tweens and teens. Talking about this new furniture, Ashley squeaked, "Mary-Kate and I have worked very closely with our executive designer and AP Industries to design a furniture collection with an elegant yet casual style. Mary-Kate and I love the mix of straight lines with gently curving shapes, and the fluted legs give an overall delicate feel to the items."

I only posted this quote because I laughed when I read, "gently curving shapes and fluted legs." Huh? And why do tweens and teens need their own furniture anyway? I slept in a crib until I was 20 and stored my clothes in trash bags. Was that not the right thing to do?

I'm glad the Olsen's are trying to make some more money. It must be tough being broke.

Who Said Fluted Legs!?!

Rosie Isn't Sexy to Donald Trump

You may find this surprising, but Donald Trump does not find Rosie O'Donnell to be quite the sexy beast that the rest of us find her. Donald was on Extra the other night commenting on Rosie's life with depression. The Trumpet stated that "all Rosie has to do is look in the mirror and she suffers from depression." Oh that Trump is a quick one! Seriously, what's funny about that to me is that he is famous for these 2nd-grader insults, yet he thinks these insults are brilliant. The Apprentice.

Rosie fought back on her blog by stating:

"The dump truck is at it again,
so hurtful 2 know he doesnt find me attractive
as it has been my goal
for so long
to give a balding billionaire a boner."

Yeah the thought of all of that just made me throw up a little in my mouth.

...In Other News...

Lucy Liu loves running and she also loves jumping. I guess that lands you a TV series. Lucy is getting ready for her new show, "Cashmere Mafia" which deals with female executives juggling their careers and personal lives. Wow. That sounds horrific. In other news...

~ Lindsay's Dad Fresh Outta the Slammer! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Madonna Pretends She Wears H&M ~ DListed
~ Lilly Fights the Paparazzi ~ NinjaDude
~ Ashlee Grows More Chin ~ Yeeeah!
~ Olivia Newton John's Daughter is Wicked Skinny ~ EvilBeet
~ Happy Junkie Birthday Pete Doherty! ~ AgentBedhead
~ Mischa Barton Boot and Rally! ~ MollyGood
~ Regis is Going on Hiatus ~ MeeVee

Britney Visits AA Again, Looks Crazy

While vacationing at Promise of a New Day rehab facility in Malibu, Britney decided to leave the center for a short time to head out to an AA meeting at Corpus Christi Catholic Church for about an hour last night. Britney didn't go to the AA meeting alone though, she brought a bunch of her new "Promises" friends in their shared white GMC SUV. I wonder if GMC is Britney's sponsor? Britney took a little break at the meeting to go outside and smoke it up, but other than that witnesses said Britney seemed fine.

Witnesses may say she seemed fine, but the pictures make her look like she's crazier than a shit-house rat. It kinda looks like she is wearing a "sweatpants" dress and high heels with a "sweatshirt" hooded jacket and sunglasses. Oh, and it's stained. Come on Britney, the anti-christ would never dress that casual while attending an AA meeting at a church!

Who Shot That?!!?

Mandy Moore Single, I Submit Application

Multiple Persons Magazine is reporting that Mandy Moore and DJ AM have called it quits about 2-weeks ago. A random drunken source close to Mandy has said that the breakup was "mutual." If by "mutual" the source really meant "Mandy finally realized she was dating DJ AM" then "yes" the breakup was "mutual." Wow, I like to use "quotes." What is even more shocking is that DJ AM is 33 years old. Legit, I thought he was in high-school.

So, I therefore submit my application for dating Mandy Moore. I had to brush it off and cross out Oprah's address and replace it with Mandy's, but I've sent it nonetheless. Bonus points for using "nonetheless" in a sentence.

Mario Vasquez Takes Advantage of Himself?

In the "I Can't Believe I'm About to Report on This" News, ex American Idol contestant Mario Vasquez is being accused that he tried to "pleasure himself" in front of a male employee in the bathroom on the set of American Idol in February of 2005. What a jerk (pun intended)!

The lawsuit, which allegedly hasn't been served yet, is basically dealing with a sexual harassment issue. When I first heard that someone from American Idol was involved in some type of sex scandal I just assumed it would have been Frenchie Davis and Randy Jackson. I figured "dogs" were involved and that Paula took pictures, etc.

Anyway, if you remember correctly shortly after February 2005, Mario unexpectedly dropped out of American Idol for "personal reasons." To read the rest of what this person is alleging, click here but just don't do it while eating breakfast. I warned you.

MTV The Hills: Does Heidi Move In With Steve Sanders? Who Cares?

Woo-hoo! This episode digs up some blasts from the past, specifically "Lo" from Laguna Beach. It's kinda like when Cindy Walsh would randomly show up in the last few seasons of 90210. As my buddy Doug-E-Fresh commonly asks, "Is Lo smart and does she have fat legs?" I mean, let's face it, this is really what sums up not only this episode, but the Laguna Beach/The Hills series as a whole.

• Lauren and Whitney spend more time steaming, ironing, pinning, taking pictures, and trying on clothes than they do anything else. What type of job is this? How does one add this to their resume? I pinned clothes from 2006-2007. Seriously?
  
• As Audrina tries on clothes with Lauren I wonder if she has somehow implanted more teeth into her mouth. I find it nearly impossible to fit all of those teeth into one space and have them shine so bright. I figure graphic design/editing had something to do with this. I miss the next scene pondering her teeth. Is that not normal?
  
• Next up (literally) Whitney is playing softball...and it actually good. I wonder if when she hits the ball she pretends it is Lisa Loveless' head.
  
• There are like 4 people in the stands. Whitney leaves the game to talk to Lauren and Audrina and ask them what they are doing for New Year's Eve. Welcome to the official "18th Scripted Moment of The Hills Season 2."
  
• Did Steve Sanders feather his hair?
  
• Is it normal when Steve Sanders asks Heidi if she'll move in with him that she looks like she threw up in her mouth a little? Isn't Heidi like 15?
  
• I pause for a moment to ponder the concept that Audrina uses "white out" on her teeth. Shiny!
  
• SWEET! "Lo" just showed up for New Years and looks like she's pregnant. I would have thought she was, but she was drinking so I decide that "Freshman 15" has attacked Lo.
  
• The "girls" head out to Area for New Years and Lauren is talking to some dude who legit looks like Bobby Brady. No joke. I wonder what Alice would think.
  
• Midnight roles around and they all light up their "sparklers." in the club. Fire in the club. Fire. Club. In. I wait for the entire club to burst into flames. Ever heard of the "Station Night Club?"
  
• Lauren kisses Bobby Brady. Cindy and Marcia are PISSED!
  
• Lauren and Lo go to get sushi and Lo almost dies after eating ginger. Clearly, "eating" can be extremely dangerous. Lo is just as retarded as I remember her just a few seasons ago.
  
• Lo spills the beans on Heidi moving in with Steve Sanders. Well she didn't as much "spill the beans" as she did "read the script" and say exactly what she was told to say. Lo follows direction well.

There aren't too many episodes left of The Hills and there are many unanswered questions such as, is Lisa Loveless the mother of Whitney? Does Audrina's mouth stay permanently open? What other Laguna Beach cast members will stop my the "set" of the The Hills? Let's hope the last few episodes answer all this and more.

...In Other News...

~ Is Britney Doing "Chew Chew Puke?" ~ EvilBeet
~ Who Won at the Soul Train Awards? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Who's the New Friend for "Paris Hilton's Next Car Crash?" ~ DListed
~ Joe Simpson is a Psychic ~ MollyGood
~ Kim Kardashian in a Different Video ~ NinjaDude
~ Paris Hilton to be Fired ~ HollyScoop
~ Madonna Models Cheap Clothes ~ PopBytes
~ Anna Nicole Autopsy Drags On, Virgie Takes a Snack Break ~ MeeVee
~ Nicole Richie is Just a Simple Girl from the Bronx ~ GabSmash
~ What Tori Spelling's Baby Will Look Like ~ CityRag
~ Tips and Tricks for March Madness ~ ThatGuy
~ What? Disney Doesn't Like Keira Knightly Comic Book Porn? ~ Egostastic

Angelina Jolie to be Kidnapped?

Angelina Jolie has recently said in an interview that she narrowly escaped kidnapping and ransom plot while she was traveling overseas performing her "do-gooding." The plot to kidnap Angelina Jolie never came to fruition after the authorities had tipped her off. According to Angelina:

"It was in a small village, I won't say where, or with whom, but some gangsters planned to kidnap me and extort a massive ransom. I was warned at the last minute, and managed to escape, luckily."

You almost got away with it, Jennifer Aniston! Curses! Foiled again!

Angelina loves to visit the poor countries and help them as much as she can, by either donating her time, money, or adopting the children of these countries. Now don't get the wrong idea about Angelina. She wants to make one thing clear. Angelina continued, "I don't want to act like the Mother Teresa of Hollywood, but I want to help where there is poverty and destruction."

Who Said Kidnap!?!

Britney Still in Rehab, Umbrellas Safe

There were rumors all weekend that Britney had left Promise of a New Day Rehab for good, but I refused to post those hurtful rumors. Well, I didn't so much "refuse" to post those rumors as I didn't hear them because I was MIA all weekend. Anyway, Britney was rumored to have peaced out of rehab, but our good friends at X17Online have claimed that not only is Britney snug as a bug in a crazy rug, but KFed even brought her two kids ("what's his face" and "the other one") to visit her there. The good news was that Jayden was actually sitting in his car seat. I miss the good old days of the kids just being able to crawl and roll all over the car.

In, "The Latest Random Celebrity To Offer Britney Support In Order To Get Their Name Back In The Spotlight" news, Pamela Anderson has been quoted as saying, "When you are scrutinised in public and judged by people who have no idea what is going on, it can be devastating. I wish her well and I am sure she will overcome this. People need to be more supportive." Pamela Anderson was later quoted saying, "Bra's need to be more supportive too."

Thanks Pam! If we wanted your "Hep-C filled opinion" we would have licked the toilet seat at a train station.

Who Said That!?!

Oprah's School For Girls: A Nazi War Camp?

Oprah really rules with an iron fist and ass (from what I heard). The school that Oprah opened for girls near Johannesburg was applauded at first, but now it is getting a couple of puzzled looks and probably some "z-snaps" too. According to some of the upset/ungrateful parents of the girls who attend this school they are saying that it is too strict. They're also saying that it's almost impossible to remain in contact with their lucky-ass kids. At first parents could visit their kids every two-weeks, but not it's only once a month. One of the mothers, Frances Man, has recapped some of the rules of this school/prison system:

1. No cell phones or emailing during the week.
   
   
2. Girls are only allowed to call their parents on the weekends.
   
3. They are only allowed four visitors and these visitors must be approved by the school at least two weeks in advance.
   
4. Parents are only allowed to spend 2-hours with their kids.
   
5. No junk food for the kids.
   
6. The girls get "good behavior points" for which they can exchange for school clothes and caps.

Other parents are claiming that their daughters are calling home in tears because the rules are so strict. Yeah, ok so this may sound a little mean, but I heard about this school prior to it opening. According to Mother Oprah Winfrey prior to this school opening the girls would get raped on their way to their old school...almost every day. Ok, so I'm not trying to sound mean, but you either get raped or you get junk food and a cell phone. Is there really a choice? Plus, look at it this way, you basically know Oprah. All you need to do is get a couple of "A's," write a book about the experience, go on Oprah, have her promote your book, and become an instant millionaire. You'll be living in Beverly Hills and jogging with Posh Spice before you know it. As a side note, nothing seems more ungrateful than complaining about the free school that Oprah gave you with the free education. Oprah. Free. Oprah's free school. No rapes. You know Oprah. Free.

Who Said Strict!?!

Saint Jennifer Lopez Going Solo?

Ay de mi! Is Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx going solo? Random drunken insiders to the couple are saying that J. Glow and Marc Anthony are dealing with some bumpy times after they got into a fight on New Years Eve. One random source has said, "There was a fight after she performed at the Super Bowl." Now I think that's just wrong. And, what I mean by that is that "performed" should have been in quotes. Wouldn't a Jennifer Lopez "performance" really be like a karaoke event?

Why is this awkwardly matched couple potentially on the outs? Well, the rumors are flying that the issue has to do with J. Glow pushing off pregnancy. I think the world really needs some little J. Glow minions. Eventually they could be her back up singers. Technically they would be the real singers. When Saint Jennifer's reps were contacted the rep said, "they're fine." Yup, that's convincing.

Who Said That!?!

Daylight Savings Time Made My Tivo Sick

I am someone who loves when we get more daylight thanks to daylight savings time. Perhaps I'm more of a spring/summer person. Perhaps I have seasonal affective disorder. Perhaps I just like using the word "perhaps." Perhaps. I pride myself on having the original Tivo. It's so old that I have to turn in on the same way that I start a lawnmower. My Tivo knows me well and I know my Tivo well. It records the shows I want. It even records the shows that I don't even think I want, but then end up watching them and am glad that my Tivo looked out for me. I heart my Tivo so much that I have my Tivo co-sign my 401K and I've even added my Tivo to my will (it will be getting my TV and DVD Player).

I have some sad news. Daylight Savings Time made my Tivo sick. It has no clue how to react to the time changing 3-weeks earlier than normal. It shows the wrong time. The TV guide on my Tivo is all jacked up. To make things worse, the crap that it has recorded for me makes me feel that my Tivo doesn't know me at all any more. It literally recorded "Sabado Gigante" on the Spanish channel and it also recorded some religious show with this nun who wears an eye patch. No joke. Ok, so I fast-forwarded through the nun with the eye patch because I thought it was a skit, but then when I realized it wasn't I was just pissed at my Tivo. I then realized that it wasn't my Tivo's fault. My Tivo was sick. I thought I heard it sneeze at one point. I, of course, called 911 and even used the paddles to try and bring my Tivo back to life, but no luck. I brought my Tivo to church to get it blessed by a priest, but there was a line that was too long with others getting their Tivo's blessed as well.

This is a sad time for me, really. Similar to September 11th and the OJ chase, I'll always remember where I was when my Tivo got sick and stopped knowing me. Sad. Sad. I have called the priest to perform the sacrament of "last rights" on my Tivo. I can only pray for a recording miracle sometime in the near future. Hold me.

...In Other News...

~ A Friends Curse? I Don't Believe It ~ PopBytes
~ What You Should Watch This Weekend ~ MeeVee
~ The Hilton's Go Clubbing. I Wish They Got Clubbed. ~ CelebritySmack
~ Rachel Ray Bites ~ DListed
~ A Day on the Set of The Office Part II ~ GMMR
~ Antonella Barba is the Ghetto Jessica Simpson? ~ HollyScoop
~ Blues Traveler Hearts Guns...Lots of 'Em! ~ NinjaDude
~ Gwen Stefani Hearts Guns Too ~ Yeeeah!
~ How 'Bout a Little Old School Rosie? ~ EvilBeet

Salma Hayek Pregnant, Engaged, and Short

According to sick son-of-a-bitch and bastard Perez Hilton Salma Hayek is actually knocked up and will be getting married as well. Ben Widdicombe, a journalist with the New York Daily, had first reported the story and Salma's publicist has given him the following statement:

"Businessman, Francois-Henri Pinault, and his fiancee, Salma Hayek, are happy to announce they are expecting the arrival of their first child."

So much for those Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz lesbian rumors. Thanks a lot "Francois." I have no clue who this guy is. After doing a little Google research I learned the following about him in Forbes Magazine:

• He's 69 years old
• Citizen of France
• Married with 3 Children (??)
• High-School drop out (sweet)
• Majority shareholder of luxury goods powerhouse PPR (Gucci, Balenciaga, and Stella McCartney)
• Currently a billionaire
• Named the 74th richest person in the world in 2006 by Forbes Magazine

So...maybe those Penelope Cruz/Salma Hayek rumors are true! Congratulations to being with child and getting married in no particular order.

Antonella Barba Licking an Ice Luge

Oh now look how sweet and innocent Antonella Barba can be. For this one time only I will allow Antonella to share the name of Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and will call her "Saint Antonella Barba de las Box." It's nice to see Antonella taking shots off of the ice luge as opposed to taking shots off her face from some other "activities." Well, it's not so much "nice" as it is "different." I also think it's nice that The Virgin Mary stopped by Antonella's party. I hope her feet aren't too cold standing on that ice luge.

Anyway I actually tuned into American Idol to see what would happen with Antonella. Yup, she gets the boot and cries a bit. Then, as always, they make her sing. I love this part. It's like, "hey you didn't sing well enough to make it through to the next round, so why don't sing that horrible song that made people not vote for you? Oh, and try not to choke on those tears as you belt out that terrible song." Yeah, good luck with that.

As Antonella sang this last song she messed it up like 3 times. Brilliant. Oh well. See you in Maxim or an amature sex tape that will leak its way onto the IntersWebs!

American Idol Tries to Trump Oprah

American Idol had a special moment (cue the Full House music) last night. They've been talking about a special announcement all season. What's the announcement? Well, they'll be raising money for poor people in Africa and New Orleans. On April 24th and April 25th America Idol will have a theme, "Inspirational Songs." For every vote that is cast, American Idol sponsors will make a donation. Quincy Jones will be writing a special song for this event. Oh, and they said Borat will be stopping by as well. Yeah, way to make it "serious." Poverty isn't funny you jackasses. Oh wait, ok well it is a little. Who else will be stopping by? Why Gwen Stefani, Pink, Josh Groban, and Bono of course. Ohhhhh Oprah is going to be pissed!

Ok so that is nice what they're doing, but I couldn't help but to find a little humor when they were showing the clips of Simon and Ryan's trip to Africa. It was kinda like a honeymoon for those two. Very sweet. Anyway, they then cue Paula Abdul talking about how great it's going to be to, "put smiles back on these kids faces who haven't been able to smile in a long time." Literally, as she's saying this all they are showing are the kids of Africa smiling. I was thinking that they already look pretty happy to me. One of the kids even had a "grill" in their mouth. No joke. Two silver-front teeth. I was like, wow is that poor kid crunk?

Poshtoria Takes Grandpa for a Walk

Poshtoria was busy taking her Grandpa for a walk while she was also shopping in Madrid, Spain. Grandpa Beckham had his high-tech cane with him as he dragged his wife out of Yves Saint Lauren. See now for complete full-effect I would have no opted to use a cane, but I would have gone all out and used a walker. You know? The kind of walker that has two tennis balls on the bottom of it so it doesn't drag against the ground. Yeah, that's totally what I would have done.

In Friday Poshtoria Beckham news, Poshtoria has stated that not being able to always see her husband is the "hardest" part of her life. She continued on saying:

"I would love to wake up with David every morning and have dinner with him every night. And I'm sure that will happen one day. But, for the moment at least, we're both so busy."

Yeah, after looking at the size of Posh I'm sure she wouldn't be too psyched having dinner every night. Perhaps, dinner twice week, but definitely not every night. Posh continued even more useless diarrhea of the mouth by spewing:

"How do I cope with homesickness? I just have a breakdown and cry a lot. The hardest part of my life is when I'm away from David. Everything else I can cope with....We have security team everywhere we go - school, shopping, to McDonald's - and I don't like it. Do I wish I was anonymous? Of course."

Wow Posh asks herself a lot of questions and then she answers them herself too. What a real go-getter! Now that's something I think Tyra Banks is missing. I'm actually shocked that Tyra doesn't conduct her own interviews. Anyway, back to Posh. I also don't think that she goes to McDonald's. I think if she does she thinks of it as more of a "zoo." Kinda like she takes the kids to McDonald's to see "the common-folk." She probably brings a stick with her so she can poke at the workers. Wait where was I going with this? No clue. I gotta go.

Who Shot That!?! and Who Said That!?!

Tom Brady: The Knock Up King!

At this point they should rename condoms "Brady's." For example, "I have a date tonight so I better run to the drug store and pick up some Brady's." Patriots (moment of silence) quarterback, Tom Brady, is rumored to have knocked up supermodel Gisele Bundchen. If you remember correctly from about 1 month ago, news broke that Tom Brady had knocked up his ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan.

A Brazilian website and the good old "Boston Globe" (shout out to my hometown) are reporting that Gisele may be two-months pregnant by Tom and has already started to tell her family and close friends. Funny, neither of them told me. Strange. Seriously, Tom is going to have the busiest Father's Day ever. No I may be going out on a limb here, but I wonder if Tom could be the father of Anna Nicole's baby? I say he should toss his hat in the ring for that too.

If Tom is trying to change his image from "good boy" to "bad boy" why can't he just do it like everyone else does it....with drugs. Jeeze, start taking some drugs and toss yourself in rehab. If you feel the need to shave your head in the process, go for it!

Tom Brady With Child Again!?!

Van Halen Pulls a Britney and a Lohan

It looks like Eddie Van Halen has pulled a Britney, Lohan, Williams hat trick! Eddie Van Halen has checked himself into rehab as of yesterday. According to a statement from Eddie Van Halen's website:

"I would like Van Halen fans to know how much I truly appreciate each and every one of you. Without you there is no Van Halen. I have always and will always feel a responsibility to give you my best. At the moment I do not feel that I can give you my best. That's why I have decided to enter a rehabilitation facility to work on myself, so that in the future I can deliver the 110% that I feel I owe you and want to give you. Some of the issues surrounding the 2007 Van Halen tour are within my ability to change and some are not. As far as my rehab is concerned, it is within my ability to change and change for the better. I want you to know that is exactly what I'm doing, so that I may continue to give you the very best I am capable of. I look forward to seeing you in the future better than ever and I thank you with all my heart."

Love,
Ed

Good for him. I want to go to rehab now. Everybody is doing it and it seems like it makes you a little more famous too. It's a real win-win.

...In Other News...

~ Same Old Lindsay ~ CelebritySmack
~ Beyonce Talks Out of Both Sides of Her Weave ~ MollyGood
~ Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are Completely Normal ~ Yeeeah!
~ Paris Hilton Hates Old People ~ NinjaDude
~ EvilBeet Recaps the Hell Out of American Idol ~ EvilBeet
~ Lindsay's Ex Trades Up ~ HollyScoop
~ Rosie is the Next Batman ~ GabSmash
~ Arnold's Funniest Moments ~ CityRag

America's Next Top Model: "Modeling is Acting Like a Ho and Making it Fashion" - Tyra Banks

We at IBBB are lucky to have resident America's Next Top Model enthusiast, Jenny, write up a little somethin' somethin' about last night's episode. Seriously, hysterical. Thanks Jenny!

Overall, this episode of ANTM was rather uneventful...Regardless, I've included some highlights:

• Miss Jay comes marching onto the football field and delivers the news that the girls will be trained in "walking"...So I am a little confused when the girls change into Burger King-like uniforms, while Miss Jay twirls around in a catholic school skirt. I guess that has a lot to do with learning how to walk?
  
• After the training is complete, it's final exam time. It's a prom theme with three categories: Modern, 80's and Ghetto Fabulous. If you are like me, you are wondering what Ghetto Fabulous could be? Evidently, it means wearing hoochie gear, and parading down the runway with your ta-ta's literally hanging out, much to the horror of the school children and their parents. Good one. I think one chick actually did a "Z-Snap" when she got to the end of the runway. Z-Snaps rule.
  
• Britney/Nana (is it me, or does she look like someone's nana?) wins the competition. What could the prize possibly be for such a fierce competition? If you guessed a 10 foot high trophy with a gold high-heel shoe on top, you're a winner...just like nana!
  
• Jaslene is horrified that she did the worst in the walking competition. She calls her mother crying and tells her that she isn't the best "walker." Is that even a thing? If it is, then I am the best "hopper."
  
• The Russian Chick reads "Tyra Mail" aloud, which is loaded with 7th grade references like B.F.F. and K.I.T. Nobody understands a word she is saying. What's going on in your head Natasha? N.M.H.
  
• The photo shoot theme is "High School Clichés", and one girl cries because she is not good at being the "class clown." See picture above. Well, cheer up....maybe you can aspire to being the best "walker."
  
• It's 8:30 and there is no sign of Tyra in this episode. I'm getting worried.
  
• BUT- It's 8:45 and here she is! It was SO worth the wait. She comes up with some real gems! In the final 15 minutes, Tyra manages to make the brilliant statement "Modeling is acting like a ho and making it fashion." She then grabs her own boobs, does a really bad imitation of a Russian accent, and when commenting on Felicia's photo, says "I don't really see ME in the picture." You really don't have any shame, do you Tyra?
  
• Blah, blah, blah, Samantha gets the boot. I am nervous for a minute, because it is between Samantha and Russian Chick. I am so happy Russian Chick is around for another week. I like her. Stoli's for everyone!

Timberland Wants to Take Britney Away

Music producer Timberland has worked with everyone from Justin Timberlake to Nelly Furtado to Missy Elliot to Celine Dion (ok I made that one up). However, Timberland now sets his sights on saving Britney Spears. Did you know she was in rehab, by the way? Timberland has said in an Entertainment Weekly interview:

"I feel her pain, it really bothers me. I'm the type of person who tries to save the world. I just want to take her away, go overseas, and work (it) out."

Not only will Timberland "kidnap" Britney, but he would have Justin Timberlake help him out as well. Timberland actually invited Timberlake to help save Britney. He continues:

"I asked Justin, 'How would you feel about me working with Britney?' I had to ask him that. "I said, 'Would you do it with me?' Timberlake agreed. I just want to hold her hand. I want her to be in my camp, to be around Justin. I need Justin to talk to her. Help her, please!"

Hold on a second. What type of camp is this that you want her to be a part of? Is it like sleep-away camp? Basketball camp? Music camp? I'm confused. Are you a doctor? Can you prescribe medication to her? Yeah, I would wait it out on helping her and let actual medical professionals take this one. Once Britney is "cured" then you can take her on a little trip to where ever it is that you want to take her. However, don't try to kidnap her because I'm already filling out an Amber Alert.

Who Said What!?!

Oh Jesus! "Boy's Father" Wants to See Madonna's New Son David. He's Baaaaack!

Ok so next to Harriet Carter and Dina Lohan my other favorite person is "Boy's Father." In case you're new to this site, "Boy's Father" is Banda who is the father of Madonna's adopted son, David. I guess they technically call that "biological father." See how much you can learn here at IBBB? Anyway, every article I ever read about Banda always refers to him as "boy's father" so that's what I only call him. Moving on.

Boy's Father is hoping that Madonna brings David and let's him see his son when she visits Malawi in April. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are planning on swinging by Malawi to open up with $2.92 million Kabbalah Center. Suck on that Oprah!

Boy's Father has stated, "I can't wait to hold him in my arms again. I want to see if he still recognizes me after all this time. I want to see if he still looks like me with all the British food he is eating."

Wait what? Um, Boy's Father, yeah eating British food won't change the color of his skin. I totally think he will recognize you, but he'll probably look/run the other way. I mean right now he has probably around 15 maids, 10 butlers, his own personal train that he can drive around the mansion, and enough LEGO's to play with that he could build an actual livable house that I could move into. You, Boy's Father, live in a mud hut and wear tissue boxes for shoes. I wonder who he'll choose? So, here's my advice: Become wicked good friends with Madonna while they are there and see if you can move into the mansion with them. Ask to become like the gardener or something. Hell, even the accountant!

What Does Boy's Father Want Now!?!

Lindsay's Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes

Come on, I mean do you think for a second that Lindsay Lohan wouldn't change her hair color and I wouldn't make the good old standby "the carpet doesn't match the drapes" joke? It's nearly impossible for my brain to function with doing so. It's too easy. Anyway, Lindsay has colored her hair blond. I guess that's news? Well, some people want to see it.

My favorite person next to Harriet Carter, Dina Lohan, has recently told entertainment news show Extra that the paparazzi has really given Lindsay a break and that is why she is doing so well lately. Uh, Dina...are you high? No really, I mean do you do "the drugs?" First off, if "giving Lindsay a break" you mean that there are only 34 photographers chasing her instead of 40 photographers chasing her then "yes" they have given her a break. I don't know if it's so much the paparazzi let lead to Lindsay doing so well or if it was the 30-day rehab and AA meetings that she does to. Wake up Dina. I immediately feel bad for little Ali Lohan.

Obvious: Fergie's Ass Better Than Face

In this mornings "Obvious News," white singer who thinks she's black, Fergie, has a better looking ass than face. Yes, my friends, I am back to my award winning journalism. Fergie was spotted vacationing in Mexico with her boyfriend Josh Duhamel. Either Josh is checking to make sure Fergie isn't suffering from "Montezuma's Revenge" or he literally hasn't seen a thong before. Actually, maybe he is inspecting it to see if it is her face. It's a real toss up at this point. A real toss up.

In other Fergie news, Fergie has been chosen by American Eagle to perform at their "Spring Break 2007" concert series in both Cancun and Acapulco. Fergie will be tearing it up on March 20th, so if you happen to be in Cancun on that day and basically want to see your Nana sing, you should check out the concert. About 1-month later Fergie will be hosting the Australian MTV Music Awards (April 29th). So set your Tivo's and watch Fergie. Actually, first teach your Tivo to find Australian channels and then have it Tivo the Aus MTV Music Awards.

Who Said AE?!?

Jake Gyllenhaal Pushes Pregnant Lady

Even I think it's bad to push a pregnant lady...even if she's walking really slow in front of your car and you're trying to get to work. Ooops, have I said to much? Clearly Jake is not pushing a pregnant lady, it's just Reese Witherspoon pretending to be a pregnant lady. It's called "acting" people. Relax.

According to "Ok! Magazine" via TMZ via FlyNetOnline and presented to you from IBBB, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon may be dating. They've been seen going to and from each others houses together and even hotel rooms. Skanks! These two crazy kids are in an upcoming movie together. I'm not sure what the movie and called and I'm too tired to look it up so let's just assume it's going to be a romantic comedy about a miserable single mother who falls in love with her wild and crazy next door neighbor. Either way, I'll never see it. Ever.

...In Other News...

~ EvilBeet Has a New Site. Check it Out..Or Else! ~ EvilBeet
~ KFed Shaves His Head to Support Britney...Or Get Attention ~ MeeVee
~ Wait, Kellie Pickler Has New Boobs? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Sharon Stone Hit the Wall...And Then Went Through It ~ DListed
~ A Day on the Set of The Office. LUCKY! ~ GMMR
~ Lauren Conrad to Become Reality Designer ~ HollyScoop
~ Jenna Bush Can Write ~ MollyGood
~ Laguna Beach Alum Heads Back to Prison...Again ~ NinjaDude
~ Kanye West Will Go to Hell for This ~ Yeeeah!

Britney Spears Makes Tom Cruise Proud

Is Britney sad at Promises Rehab or just bored? It seems like not a lot goes on there. I believe you just walk around wearing a wig and drinking coke. That should wrap up a typical day. Extra is claiming that Britney is very lonely in rehab and cries herself to sleep at night. While Promises believes Britney is suffering from postpartum depression, Britney allegedly refuses to take the medication that they are prescribing to her. Wait, Britney won't do a drug? She's cured!! That was probably just a test. Open the gates and let Britney run free! Right now somewhere in the world Tom Cruise is hi-fiving Katie because Britney won't take the meds. At least she won't be glib. I mean, she'll stay as crazy as a shit-house rat, but she won't be glib.

The crazy cats over at Promises are also suggesting that Britney do a little family therapy with mom and dad, but she refuses to see them at this point. Instead, Britney is looking up to Keith Urban and Brooke Shields to get her through this, according to Katie Caperton of OK! Magazine.

According to X17, they overheard someone at Promises say that Britney, "Looked healthy, but not particularly happy. She wasn't laughing and being her bubbly self like we saw her acting even just a few days ago in rehab."

Yeah, well I don't think rehab is supposed to be a real hoot. Although, I'm sure I'd find something to laugh about while I was in there. At least laugh about some of the other people that are there. You know there has to be at least one or two crazier people at Promises. Laugh at them. ~Words of Wisdom from IBBB

Harriet Carter Makes Dying Super Easy

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It is always quite surprising the amount of emails I get about my Harriet Carter product highlights. This time I got an anonymous tip that Harriet Carter also sells a "Do-It-Yourself Living Will Kit." How could I have missed something like this? I hate when the tips are "anonymous." Oh well...let's go!

Product # 1 - Do you like to confuse your young children? Not just confuse them with "normal things," but things that can actually kill them? Well Harriet is on your side and offers you this very nice "rubber duck radio" for the bathtub. This duck floats around in your filthy tub and allows you to listen to your favorite songs. Sure, this product is safe, but what happens when the batteries die? I can see it now. Little kids all over the US will be tossing an actual radio in the tub with them. Good thinking Harriet. As a side note, this picture looks gross. It looks like the kind of tub that they use in 70's porn. And how come there is literally like one inch of water in the tub? Who takes a bath in such shallow water? I can only hope that Harriet takes a nice bubble bath and someone tosses in a blender...oh, or a microwave. Good luck Harriet! Yes, I went there. I know, I crossed the line.

Product # 2 - If it's not horses, it's pillows. Harriet loves nothing more than a pillow with a nice saying embroidered on it. On this pillow it says, "A granddaughter is sunshine, flowers, and rainbows." I think it's actually kinda an insult. First off "sunshine?" The sun causes cancer or can burn you. Flowers? Yeah flowers can make you sneeze, give you watery eyes, and make some people lose their voices. Rainbows? Don't rainbows usually symbolize gay people? So basically Nana is saying that granddaughters cause cancer, give you allergies, and are lesbians. Real nice Harriet. Not to mention that that pillow looks like it wreaks of cigarette smoke. Don't ask me why, but when I look at it I can almost smell the nicotine. And I bet it has all cat hair all over the back of it Gross and gross. No thanks Harriet. I'm sure "granddaughter" will be tossing this pillow in your coffin before they close the top.

Product # 3 - You should know by now how badly I want to model for the Harriet Carter catalog. No joke, it would be a dream of mine. Look at this chick with the pig hat on her head. Yes, pig hat. Seriously, what? Why would you ever need to wear that? You wouldn't. Not even for a Halloween costume. When you pull the strings the wings flap and then guess what? Pigs fly. Very funny Harriet. I love it when you state the obvious. They should have a hat in the shape of a horses ass that only Harriet is allowed to wear. Oh, and the look on this girls face is priceless. First off, she has "man face" but second of all you know she's thinking, "I quit school and moved to LA to become a model and I'm wearing a pig on my head." Yeah you are sweetie! Now go call you parents and tell them how you got your big break! Just think, this could be the biggest thing you ever do. Wearing a pig hat. Pig. Hat. I'll help you write the suicide note.

Product # 4 - After an anonymous tip from an IBBB reader I found the good old, "Do-It-Yourself Living Will Kit." In case the title isn't self explanatory you can write your own will. This one is a home run for me as the description that Harriet gives on the product is better and funnier than anything I could ever write. Ever. It says:

"Do-It-Yourself Living Will Kit in case you become incapacitated or terminally ill. Legally binding, specific instructions inform family and physicians of your intention to "die with dignity" if nothing more can be done medically. Protects family from this agonizing decision. Takes only minutes to complete."

Haha I LOVE this. "Die with dignity?" Seriously, you just filled in a do-it-yourself will. How much dignity can you have? What are you really planning on leaving your family? If this is your legally binding will your items you will probably leave to your family will consist of the following: ketchup, old bowling shoes, three # 2 pencils, a tin-foil ball, and mousetraps. This thing only takes minutes to complete. Now you know it's official! I hope Harriet fills this out. I wonder what she'll leave me? I hope something that has to do with horses. R.I.P.

That ends another episode of "Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday's of Our Lives."

Carmen Electra Can Read AND Write!

Carmen Electra is out promoting her book titled, "A Personal Guide to the NV Weight-Loss Beauty Pill." Hmmm, catchy. What technically is a "weight-loss beauty pill?" Do you lose weight or do you get beautiful? Or both? I somehow don't think that Carmen uses the pill or wrote the book...or read the book for that matter, but when push comes to shove she looks great. Wait a minute, maybe the pill does work! However it doesn't matter how many pills she takes, Carmen was given the good old snub on the upcoming Baywatch movie. When recently asked about her involvement in the film Carmen responded, "I'm out. I've only heard about it through the press and nobody has contacted me to be in the film. I really enjoyed the reunion show we did though - it was fun to meet all the team again."

Why would they not want her in it? No idea. In the meantime, my advice to Carmen would be to take more of those pills you are selling and see if that changes their mind.

Who Said That!?!

Ashlee Simpson Continues to Sing

Ashlee Simpson won't be waving the white flag anytime soon, as she is in the process of working on a new album. Do people still say "album?" I do. Now that Ashlee has a new look (i.e nose and chin) don't expect her to sing what she was singing before and don't expect her to dress like an a-hole like she did before either. Ashlee has said, "I'm from Texas, I come from that background [soulful style music]. It's cool because on my last two records I was writing with the same people and now I'm writing with a bunch of different people."

Yeah, let me translate that for everyone. Ashlee is now smokin' hot which means she is dropping her old sound, her old writing crew, and is upgrading the hell out of everything relating to her hot new look. Say goodbye to the "ho-down" and please welcome the "ho-up." I don't know that that actually means, but it's always nice to be able to use the word "ho" in a sentence.

Ashlee is hoping to release this new album around October 2007.

Is it bad if I say that I'll probably like her new music now that she looks better? Shallow is a great place to be.

Source and Source

...In Other News...

Tyra Banks can even make someones lost sandal ALL ABOUT HER. While Tyra was hanging out with her audience before the taping of her show she found a shoe on the ground, grabbed a megaphone, yelled "roll 'em" and the cameras taped Tyra being all "Tyra." While it may just be a sandal it is a platform for Tyra to talk about Tyra and the Tyra show and Tyra's reality show and, oh yeah, "Tyra." Tyra. In other non-Tyra news...

~ Casting the Anna Nicole Story. I say Chris Farley plays Virgie. ~ CelebritySmack
~ Katie Holmes Draws Dresses Like Lauren Conrad Does ~ DListed
~ Sober Lindsay Lies, Drunk Lindsay Doesn't ~ HollyScoop
~ Reason #563 Why Jared Leto is an Asshole ~ MollyGood
~ Pussycat Dolls Looking For More Bad Singers ~ PopBytes
~ Jay Z Gets Even Richer ~ NinjaDude
~ Eva Longoria Talks Too Much ~ GabSmash
~ Angelina Plays Voodoo ~ Yeeeah!
~ Zach Braff Has My Career...Not My Money ~ EvilBeet

Lindsay Thought She Was as Good as Dead

Here are some new pictures that have appeared out of nowhere of Lindsay No Pants, but we'll get to that in a minute. In regards to her recent appearance at Wonderland Rehab to deal with her love of the drink, Lindsay Lohan has recently told News of the World:

"I was really sick. I went to the hospital and had people sit me down who said 'You are going to die if you don't take care of yourself.' I heeded what they were telling me."

Well, I mean I don't know if she would have died. She would have totally been more fun if that's what she means. A drunken Lindsay No Pants is a lot better than a sober Lindsay Lohan. Drinking made her funnier, prettier, more photogenic, more intelligent, a better actress, and just basically more appealing as a person. I say she had a good 10 more years in her before she needed to play that rehab game. Anyway, I don't know if I fully believe this quote is from Lindsay, as I don't think she uses the word "heeded" or knows what "heeded" means. Oh and I doubt she calls it "hospital." It's "the hospital." Wait, unless she's trying out the fake Madonna British accent. I'm confused.

Back to these pictures. So these have been floating around the InterWebs over the past 24 hours and I haven't seen them before so now you, too, are forced to watch Lindsay make funny (awkward) faces and provide hand gestures (middle finger) to the camera. I never really was a fan of airbrushing or photoshopping, but I totally am now. Lindsay sorta looks like she leaves a ring around the tub.

Who Said That!?!

The Hills: Whitney is the "Nana" of Interns

Ah yes, another episode of The Hills. I'm starting this one off with a question. Has Lisa Loveless ever been seen walking or even standing for that matter? It seems as though I only see her sitting in her office. Perhaps she doesn't have legs? It's a toss up. As I being to lose even more braincells here are my thoughts, questions, and mindless statements I have to make about this weeks episode of The Hills.

• How come Lauren and Whitney dress like they're on their way to the beach when they're at work?
  
• Lisa Loveless insults Lauren right off the bat when she is talking about how the girls will be working with this famous fashion photographer for the day. Lisa goes, "you can both learn a lot from her...if you pay attention." And then Lisa Loveless and Whitney both look at Lauren. Brilliant. I don't even care if they edited that look into the scene. I can only hope that someone out there is recapping all of Lisa's scripted insults...yes, scripted.
  
• Whitney suffers from what I call "Question Mark Disease" or "QMD." QMD disease forces every sentence you say to sound like it ends in a question, even when it isn't and makes your voice go up high at the end of it. QMD can kill.

• Lauren is doing her "homework" which consists of her drawing a dress. It looks like what a 2nd grader would draw. It basically looked like an up-side-down triangle. Study harder Lauren.
  
• Heidi and Steve Sanders vacationing in Santa Barbara officially makes me want to never go to Santa Barbara. Ever. Thanks Heidi.

• Whitney's little sister, Jade, booked a photo shoot. She is literally a mini Whitney. I immediately feel bad for their parents.


• Audrina and Lauren go on a double-date. Lauren's "date" asks her where she's from. She says Laguna Beach and he looks like he doesn't know that. Does he have a TV? This kid won't last past this episode. Great casting. I refuse to give him a name...not even a cool nickname like "Steve Sanders" has. I think it would be hard for me to date Lauren because I would only ask her to explain things that took place from either Laguna Beach or The Hills. To make things worse if she was telling stories I would think that I was there too. Like I would think, "hey wait wasn't I in Cabo with you and Steven?" But I digress.


• Random question. What has happened to Lauren's voice? It's all raspy. I like it. Moving on.


• Whitney is getting fed up with being an intern for 5-years (college is only 4-years...nice work Whitney). I give it 2 more episodes before Whitney shoots up the Teen Vogue offices. Do you think MTV with show that?


• Is Lauren a midget? Every time they show her driving the car her head, literally, isn't higher than the steering wheel. That's danger.


• Heidi blows off plans with Lauren to go to the movies with Steve Sanders. The cameras are in the movies with them. Isn't that illegal? I always thought they said you can't film anything in a movie theater? Why does The Hills break to many laws?

The IBBB "The Hills Question of the Week" is: "If Whitney fell down in the forest and no one was there to hear her, does she make a sound?"

Kirsten Dunst Gets to Second Base

Only because all of my blog posts today have somehow ended up being about someone on MTV or some show on MTV I felt the need to diversify a bit. Therefore I present to you: "Kirsten Dunst Having Her Little Boy Boobs Felt Up." Aren't you glad you stop by IBBB? Kirsten Dunst was frolicking in about 3 inches of water with her "friend" as her "friend" totally got to second base with her. Come on girls, you save that type of smut for your next game of "Seven Minutes in Heaven."

Kirsten was enjoying a little down time at a very exclusive Maui resort over the weekend when this alleged "assault" took place. Now let me ask something. How does one spend the weekend in Hawaii at the beach and still remain snowman white? Even if you put on SPF 50 you still get a little bit of color.

In other Kirsten Dunst news, Kirsten has decided to put her movie career on hold for a bit so she can study art. Yes, art. I guess it's better than taking time off to get addicted to drugs and ending up in rehab. Although, there is still time for that.

Who Shot That!?!

MTVs Kristen Cavallari Thinks I'm Dumb

...well she may be right. Yeah, I'm kinda dumb. Anyway, Kristen Cavallari of MTVs Laguna Beach was recently in GQ and, of course, the interview headed in the direction of asking all about Laguna Beach. Sweet! It's not like the reruns are enough anyway. Before I even get into the interview portion I want to go back on the record of saying that Kristen is way hotter than Lauren. Now don't get me wrong, Lauren is hot, but Kristen is hot in that sorta "I'm a bitch and am gonna kick your ass" kind of way. Wait, is the just me? I digress.

So, when Kristen was asked if Laguna Beach was scripted she responded by saying:

"I don't see Laguna Beach as a reality show. The producers would say 'Kristen come here at this time and have lunch with this person and talk about this. Ask him this specific question.' In one scene my hair is short and then the next scene it's down to here. How does anyone not notice that?"

Wait did she just call me stupid? I never really noticed that, but I did notice that about 90% of the show was just facial expressions and those facial expressions never really matched up with what the other person was saying. I just assumed the producers taped the cast performing over 1,000 facial expressions and then just edited them into the various scenes. Or...is that not what producers are responsible for?

Kristen continued on later in the interview by saying that, MTV came into Laguna Beach and corrupted it. Do you smell that Kristen? Yeah, that smell is the bridge that you just burned. I would NEVER do that to MTV or say that to MTV. Yes, my friends, this is where we bring things back to me. I would be the best MTV employee ever. You hear me MTV? BEST employee EVER. See me HERE.

Read the Rest of Kristen's Interview

Selma Hayek Smuggles Her Bettys

Oh come on you know there was no way I wasn't going to post this! There literally is no news out there about Selma Hayek. None. However, when these pictures of Selma Hayek surfaced I knew only cheezy jokes could follow. Selma is out and about, literally. No joke it looks like she stuffed half the cast of Ugly Betty down her dress. Ok that's a stretch, no half the cast but at least like 3 or 4 cast members. If you look closely you can see Vanessa Williams down there. Melons aside, Selma looks like she is wearing a Halloween wig that she brushed with a rusty fork. It took me a few minutes to notice her hair as I was hypnotized by a couple of things.

Who Shots Those Melons!?!

MTV Family News: Jason Wahler Arrested Again; Less Known Laguna Beach Cast Members Jealous

Jason Wahler of MTV's Laguna Beach and several episodes of MTV's The Hills was tossed in the slammer after he was caught drinking at a bar in North Carolina underage. The bar where the sting operation took place was called "Rumors" and poor Jason could not show the proper identification when police had requested it. Allegedly Jason began to shout swears at the cops and spent a little quality time in jail before he was bailed out on $1,000 bail.

I wonder if all the episodes of Laguna Beach in which Jason was seen drinking while high school tipped the cops off? Look I don't pass judgement on this as we've all been there. Well, not in North Carolina, necessarily, but drinking underage at a bar. Although I've never been stupid enough to not at least have a fake ID with me. You hear that kids? Fake ID. Be smart.

Simon Doesn't Feel Bad For Britney

With some stars offering support for Britney Spears as she rides her way through rehab, Simon Cowell of American Idol doesn't really seem to feel bad for her. In fact, he sorta calls her a spoiled brat. Simon Cowell has recently stated (insert horrible British accent):

"I don't know what's going on in Britney's head but my attitude is I couldn't care less. She should go back and live with her mum for six months. I went to a deprived part of the world recently... It really opened my eyes. You can feel sorry for yourself over the smallest things, but then you look at the world and you think, 'I've got nothing to complain about.'

"So when I hear about the Robbies and the Britneys going to into rehab, I think, 'I'll tell you what rehab is. Go to where I just went, where people are really suffering and then you'll see just how good your life is.' I mean, Britney is not working in a coal mine, is she? You are whisked to the studio in a very large limo, you are flown around in private jet, everyone will agree with you and physically making an album is a doddle."

Well said Simon. You're right, Britney does not work in a coal mine (nice job offending the people that do) and "yes" I think we would all agree that making an album is a "doodle." I mean, I actually have no clue what a "doodle" is, but I'm sure it's what making an album is like.

Paula and Randy couldn't be reached for comment, but I'd assume it would go something like this:

Randy: "Dog, she's a dog, dog. I'd tell Britney to get a dog. I mean, I'm sure everyone would agree that making an album is like owning a dog. Thanks for looking out."

Paula: "Britney, I think you look beautiful tonight with your tattoos and shaved head. You really made it your own sweetie....." (there would have been more of a quote, but I then assumed that Paula Abdul smelled burnt toast and then fell out of her chair).

Who Said That!?!

Mariah & Celine Named Worst Singers EVER

With the Grammy's behind us it's good to see that awards are still being given out in the music industry. British music "Q" decided to poll its readers to see who would be named the "worst singers ever." And the awards go to.....

Mariah Carey
Celine Dion
Ozzy Osbourne

So what did the panel have to say about these three? In regards to Mariah Carey, "She may have a 100-octave range and the ability to sing so loudly that birds' nests fall from trees, but that doesn't make it right."

For Celine Dion, "She grinds out every note as if bearing some grudge against the very notion of economy."

Finally, in summing up Ozzy Osbourne, "He now sings like he speaks - this may be cause for sympathy, but not for buying his albums."

Seriously, I've never heard of this magazine before, as reading anything British typically makes me nauseous, but this is BRILLIANT. No joke. How do I work for this magazine? I'm not a fan really of any of the above winners, but Mariah and Celine are at least good singers. I mean, they're no where near as good as me singing in the shower, but then again who is really? I don't think that we can fault their voices though. Let's keep it clean and strictly attack Mariah's acting skills and the way that every inch of her falls out of her clothes. And, let's stick to just faulting Celine for her awkward jokes, horrific accent, and "ugly singing faces." Ok, so Ozzy is done, but at least the drugs make him funny.

Who Created This Wonderful Award!?!

Michael Jackson Can Scare You for $3500

Have you ever wanted to be scared silly for 30 seconds? Do you happen to have $3500? Well, get your ass to Japan and bring your wallet because Michael Jackson was there to host an exclusive party and fans had to shell out $3500 to spend literally 30 seconds with him. Seriously, how much molesting can you get done in just 30 seconds? Look, I know that Michael must be really good at it now, but 30 seconds? I mean, it's going to take a least 25 seconds for the "Jesus Juice" to kick in and that only leaves him with a remaining 5 seconds to "diddle."

Anyway, when Michael arrived in Japan he was protected from hundreds of "fans" who were screaming and holding signs that said, "We love Michael" and "Welcome to Japan." The 48 year old Jackson has said:

"My friends and fans in Japan have been so supportive of me and my family for many, many years. My fans in Japan helped me achieve historic milestones in the music industry."

No word if he ended his statement with "hee hee" or "shamore!" However I can only assume he tossed in a "Mamma Say, Mamma Sa, Mama Cu Sa."

Wow, that's really nice of him to recognize that his Japanese fans "helped him achieve historic milestones." What a nice way to repay them for that by charging them $3500 to spend less than one full minute with him. I mean, the pictures that they'll be taking alone will take like 10 full minutes....but I digress.

Who Said $3500!?!

...In Other News...

Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx was "singing/performing" at Miami's American Airline Arena for the "Viva Romance" concert over the weekend. She was then presented with the key to the city. Saint Jennifer yelled into the mic "I love you! Gracias Miami!" No joke, she really did. Yeah we get it J. Glow - you speak Spanish. Muy Bien. In other news...

~ Someone Sass's Lindsay For Her Drinking ~ CelebritySmack
~ Tyra's and Naomi's Wigs Battle it Out ~ DListed
~ Christina Goes Out Without Face Full of Makeup ~ HollyScoop
~ Nicole Richie is SO Thirsty, Medically Thirsty ~ MollyGood
~ Liz Hurley Gets Married Early - That Ryhmes ~ EvilBeet
~ Kate Moss and Pete Doherty = Taking Out the White Trash ~ Yeeeah!
~ Is Tori Spelling 18 Months Pregnant? ~ NinjaDude
~ Paris Plays Cards ~ CelebrityMound
~ Scissor Sisters For All You Scissor Sisters Fans ~ PopBytes
~Who Hates the New England Patriots? Don't Answer That. ~ ThatGuy

The Olsen Twins Are the Walking Dead

The Olsen Sluts are literally the walking dead. And how comes they can never stand up straight? They always are hunched over and look like they're malnourished. Oh yeah, and homeless. Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Olsen was out and about at Paris Fashion week (The Valli Party) and clearly were going trick-or-treating directly after the party. By the way, I never really understand "Fashion Week." There's no way it's just for one week because it seems like I spot an Olsen at one of these things 52 times a year. Wait, is that their job? Maybe they're kinda like "the groundhog." If an Olsen sees their ribcage through their shirt we all end up with six more weeks of winter. Fingers crossed!

Who Shot That Olsen!?!

Cameron Diaz Hides Her Cameltoe

Cameron Diaz heads back from the gym, but this time she is covering up the cameltoe. That is very disappointing as so much of my traffic comes from the "cameltoe audience." In other Cameron Diaz news, what's up with her and Drew Barrymore being the new Ernie and Bert? After Drew bought a $12,000 Rolex Oyster watch for ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake's birthday she ended up giving it to Drew Barrymore when the couple split up. Apparently the watch is engraved with the message, "I Love You." Yeah good for those two. I hope that Drew and Cameron are very happy together. There hasn't been a better girl-girl couple since Ellen and Anne Heche. There is no word yet if Drew and Cameron will be getting extremely short haircuts and purchasing an abundance of Birkenstocks and flannel cut-off shirts.

Who Said That!?! and Who Blocked That Cameltoe!?!

Britney Attempts Suicide in Rehab

Leave it to those crazy Australians to break news that Britney Spears has allegedly tried to commit suicide in her Promises Rehab facility. The story originally from "News of the World" claims that Britney tried to hang herself with a bed sheet and was screaming, "I am the anti-Christ." Oh, but she didn't just stop there, my friends, oh no. Britney also wrote the numbers "666" across her forehead. That's pretty.

An unidentified staff member of Promises Rehab stated that none of the staff knew what to do when Britney was running screaming through the halls screaming "I am the anti-Christ." Really? No one knew what to do? No one? Look, I'm not a psychiatrist (although, I am) but my first thought would have been to shoot her with enough tranquilizers that would stop a charging elephant dead in its tracks. I would have then thrown a net over her and dragged her back to her room, followed by handcuffing her to her radiator and making her listen to "Genie in a Bottle" backwards...and on repeat. Oh wait, is that frowned upon?

Hopefully this story isn't true and if it is I hope that Britney is chilling the F out! I've been brainwashed with enough Anna Nicole funeral coverage and I don't think I am mentally prepared to deal with a Britney Spears funeral. I mean, you kinda are the anti-Christ, but that's not enough to force you to take a dirt-nap. Frankie says "Relax."

Who Said Anti-Christ!?!

...In Other News...

Anna Nicole Smith was officially buried today and her casket was draped with a pink blanket that had streamers hanging off of it. Oh, and some of it was bedazzled. No joke. When I die in 142 more years I want people to placed pulled-apart cotton candy all over my casket too. In other news...

~ Kelis is Arrested, Yet Still a One-Hit Wonder ~ DListed
~ I Thought Avril Lavigne Was Supposed to Be "Punk?" ~ PopBytes
~ Beyonce Plays TRL, Looks Like Tina Knowles ~ CelebritySmack
~ Now You Can Look Like Jennifer Hudson Without the Bad Teeth! ~ HollyScoop
~ Jesse Metcalfe Has Sprouted Boobs ~ MollyGood
~ More Anna Nicole Play by Play ~ EvilBeet
~ Surprisingly, Ryan Seacrest May Want to Pickle Pickler ~ NinjaDude
~ Is Lil Kim Even Human? No Really. Someone Find Out. ~ POTP
~ Jessica Simpson Continues to Work ~ GabSmash
~ Get Ready to March Madness Your Ass Off ~ ThatGuy

Only Anna Nicole From Here on Out

Since it is technically funeral day for Anna Nicole, I only saw it fitting to only report on Anna Nicole from here on out today. That's right so if Anna comes back to life, I'll cover it. The five latest updates consist of the following:

1. Anna's body is officially on its way to the Bahamas with high security following the body.
2. Country star Joe Nichols is the one who will be singing graveside. Looks like I was wrong with my 5 guesses
3. Plan on attending the funeral with your camera? Be prepared to shell out up to $5,000. That's what the media is being charged to hang out at the funeral.
4. John Travolta has said that he felt Scientology could have saved Anna. Oh, and also constantly watching "Grease" could have killed her.
5. Trimspa baby!

Jennifer Hudson Won't Do Nudity; World Exhales in Unison

There must be movie execs all over the world begging Jennifer Hudson to take off her glittery clothes for her next role because Jennifer Hudson is going on the record that she not only won't show her "American Idols" in a movie, but she won't even appear in a movie where anyone is naked, even if it isn't her. Jennifer claims that she is a role model for young black women, so that is why she won't go naked. I applaud her for this, but not for the "role model" piece, but more so for the "I like being able to see things" piece. I like to look at things and people. I like to be able to read and cross the street easily. I like to be able to watch bad reality television. In the unlikely event that I actually ever see a Jennifer Hudson movie and I happen to see her naked in it, I would have to immediately pour gallons upon gallons of bleach directly into my eyes. I would actually use a funnel so that ALL the bleach would go directly into my eyes. I want to make sure I lose full sight. FULL SIGHT!

Who Said That!?!

Anna Nicole "Funeral Friday" Brought to You by Trimspa Baby!

So today is Anna Nicole Smiths funeral. Were you invited? I wasn't and I even dusted off the old Ouija Board and tried to contact Anna to get the invite. No dice. Everyone that's going is sooo lucky that they get to be in the Bahama's today. It's snowy here in Boston. Anyway, enough about me.

I figured I am already going to hell for a variety of reasons so why no add just one more to the list by providing commentary on what is rumored to take place today. First, Anna will be buried in a custom made gown. I would have opted for the wetsuit that she sported in the Trimspa commercials. There have been over 300 guests that have been invited to an undisclosed church. Hmmm, this seems a lot like the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes secret wedding to me. The church will be covered in pink flowers (Anna's favorite color...or "colour" for those of you reading this overseas or in Canada) and there will be a surprise singer who will be belting out tunes. At this time, no one will disclose who this singer is, but I have it narrowed down to the following five superstars:

1. The second girl who was kicked out of Destiny's Child
2. Niki McKibbin of American Idol Season One
3. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (singing "No, I'm the Cute One" from their direct to video days)
4. The grandmother from "Family Matters"
5. Fergie

There is no doubt in my mind that this funeral will be an absolute circus. I also would not be surprised one bit if Ashton Kutcher came running into the funeral, Anna jumps out of the casket, and we all learn that MTV has just "punked" the absolute piss out of us.

Who Gave the Details!?!

Nicole Richie's Ring Makes Her Look Fat

Alert! Alert! Alert! Nicole Richie may be off the market and I don't just mean supermarket, I mean market market. Like "singles market." I don't even know what that means. I'm tired. There are rumors being blown around like Nicole Richie on a windy day that she is getting engaged to boyfriend Joel Madden of Good Charlotte (no relation to Charlotte Church...I don't think). Those two crazy kids were spotted at a jewelry store not too long ago and, while Nicole did by a necklace, they also looked at engagement rings. No fast forward to present time (or like 24 hours ago) and Nicole was spotted wearing this ring. Da-da-duuuuun. Seriously, this is the worst news ever. I mean, I don't mean "bad news," I mean like most boring news. I only decided to post this story for the following reasons:

• Ability to make a Nicole Richie weight joke
• Ability to make a Nicole Richie weight joke
• Ability to incorporate Charlotte Church into a story
• Ability to take my photoshop skills to the next level by "blowing up an image and making the border blue."
• Ability to make a Nicole Richie weight joke

Who Said This!?!

...In Other News...

~ Charlotte Church is Knocked the Hell Up ~ CelebritySmack
~ Britney and KFed Back in Love, Wonderful Love? ~ EvilBeet
~ Brad and Angelina Put Adoption on Pause ~ PopBytes
~ Paris Sorta Works on an Airplane ~ MollyGood
~ Pete Doherty Sells Drugs to Penguins ~ NinjaDude

Britney Goes to AA, Umbrella Stays Home

While Britney is vacationing at Promises Rehab in Malibu to cure her bout of "the crazy" she was actually released into society to attend an AA meeting in Santa Monica. Britney has lot her "umbrella privileges" so she can only carry a notebook at this time. Britney seemed to be in good spirits. Well it wasn't as much "good spirits" as it was a permanent smile plastered on her face. Maybe rehab is a real hoot? I should try Promises Rehab sometime. If the IBBB readers can donate the $50,000 I need to attend I'll take pictures from inside. Come on, be a team player!

With rumors still flying (like a green umbrella at an SUV) that Britney may have been suffering from Postpartum depression I am under the assumption that they probably gave her some of the meds to deal with that. Hence, the smile. I feel strongly about medication to help balance you out. Actually, I feel that everyone should be forced to me medicated and then you have to prove that you are sane enough to be off the meds. Medicate the population and make this world a better place Yeah, that's right Tom Cruise I'm talking to you. More meds = More Smiles.

Look, I'm all for "the Britney" going to "the rehab" and getting "the better" but I don't want her to stop being crazy. Drug free? Sure. Crazy free? Nope.

Who Shot Britney!?!

America's Next Top Model: Tyra Mail

America's Next Top Model is back and as promised months ago. ImBringingBloggingBack would have a guest writer for this season of ANTM (as the kids are calling it). Check out Jenny's hilarious take on last nights season premiere.

Ah yes...America's Next Top Model; Cycle 8 has started! Before settling into watch the show, I checked out the the official website for Cycle 8. The site features a preview of the show, as well as model bios. It seems that the model bios consist of: Occupation, Hometown and Age...HOWEVER, Tyra's bio is a riveting 11 paragraphs. Sweet! Anyhoo, here are a few observations:

• The 2 "Jays" coming rolling onto the scene in a military vehicle, and tell the girls they are not "ready" to meet Tyra. They need to go through model bootcamp first. The girls wear high heel army boots for this. I wonder what the soldiers defending our freedom in Iraq would think of this. I am embarrassed.
  
• Tyra later "steps" her way onto the scene. Well, they said it was stepping. But she could have been having a seizure. I wonder why nobody tries to help her or call 911. One girl is so moved by the sight of Tyra that she starts crying. At this point, I am crying too...but I'm crying because I'm scared.
  
• Tyra is so witty. She makes hilarious military references like "Be a topgun, not a son of a gun" and "Be all you can be, not bitch all you can bitch" I wonder if Tyra knows people are watching her, because she acts like she is alone in her bedroom. When she uses these clever catch phrases, I am pissed that she doesn't say "kiss my fat ass!"
  
• When they introduce the girl that is into dentistry, I think this is great and hope she can help the other chick who shows Tyra how she is missing a tooth. Pretty convenient.
  
• When they introduce the 18 year old chick from Russia who married a 40 year old man from the US...I think "good for her!" Well, not really...I am actually disgusted, but I can tell she is crazier than a shit house rat and hope she lasts at least a few more episodes.
  
• Throughout the episode, I wonder if Jael is drunk, or high, or both...I have a feeling I might see her on an episode of Intervention on A&E once ANTM is over.
  
• I love how this season, Tyra puts pictures of herself in the LIMO. This way, the girls can admire her on the WAY to the house, where there is...you guessed it....more pictures of Tyra! Tyra. Tyra.
  
• In typical fashion, the girls do a photo shoot...I blank out during this, because one girl has such big, red hair that I start to think about the Bozo the Clown show...and how I always wanted to be on that show when I was a kid. How did you get to be in the audience for that show anyway?
  
• Blah blah blah, Tyra offers some words to live by and Bozo gets the axe. I am pissed that I can't get those two hours of my life back. Eh, who the hell am I kidding, I can't wait for the makeover episode!

Daryl Hannah is Happy With Her Bad Career Decision

Daryl Hannah is similar to me in which we both make bad decisions. The only difference is that Hannah is happy with her bad decision while I...ok, well I'm ok with my bad decisions too. Daryl has recently said that she is pleased with her decision to turn down the role that Julia Roberts took in Pretty Women. Daryl felt that the role was "degrading for womankind."

Really? I think it shows women that when push comes to shove you can easily prostitute yourself out and eventually become rich. Sure you'll also eventually end up with horse-teeth like Julia, but it's worth it when the money rolls in, no?

Daryl continued to say, "One of the things I'm most proud of is refusing to take Julia's role. Every time I see it I like it less and less. They sold it as a romantic fairytale when in fact it's a story about a prostitute who becomes a lady by being kept by a rich and powerful man."

Yup, that's it Daryl. Thanks for the Cliff Notes version of the movie. She does have a point. I mean, it's not like she was forced to make a movie about being a mermaid who was not happy with her own life after she found a man.

You know what is degrading, Daryl? A 46 year old woman who still has hair down to her waist. Oh yeah, and you know what else is almost as degrading as "pretending to be a prostitute for a movie role?" Doing Playboy. You know, like you did. Yeah, kinda like that.

Who Said That!?!

Beyonce Sings With Kermit the Frog

In a move that would have been pulled by one Miss Tyra Banks, Beyonce wanted to double up her exposure by teaming up with Kermit the Frog/Shakira. Her new nickname will be Shakira the Frog. Beyonce made Shakira the Frog dress and look exactly like her in the video for their new song, "Beautiful Liar." For me, this is kinda like when Tyra has a whole show just about herself, equipped with Tyra cardboard cutouts, video clips, news footage, etc.

Anyway, if you've seen the video I'm sure you'll agree that it looks like something that cost about $19.95. Wait a minute, I bet they used a Harriet Carter video camera to shoot this! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I just don't get Shakira. She shouldn't be a solo performer, she's more like a group. Her voice changes about 13 times in each song she sings. She's about 1/2 Kermit the Frog, 1/4 Pee-Wee Herman, and 2/3 Ray Romano. Is my math off? Anyway, you get the point. Seriously as Beyonce is singing, Shakira is in the background saying something and I keep thinking, "why is Kermit the Frog yelling at Beyonce?" I probably need this song to be force fed to me 15 more times before I know if I like it or not, but for now it sounds like cats are being strangled while someone is quickly clapping in the background.

Paris Has Car Trouble, Stays Tanned

Sure everyone already knows that Paris had her Bentley towed away by the LAPD in front of The Standard Hotel after she was pulled over for speeding, driving without her headlights on, and a suspended license. Boring! For some reason I don't feel bad when someone has their Bentley towed away. Bentley. BENTLEY!

So, even though everyone is talking about this and the picture above I was disappointed that no one is even making reference to how illegally tanned Paris is. She is borderline orange. Therefore I thought this was as good a time as any to have a good old-fashioned "IBBB Celebrity Tan-Off!" In this round we have Paris Hilton vs. George Hamilton. Now I feel that Paris has a bit of an unfair advantage since her hair is white. White against "tan" really makes the tan pop! At the same time George has the greyish white around his hairline, which not only make his tan pop, but his teeth as well. It's real toss up, but I will have to announce the winner of the first ever IBBB Celebrity Tan-Off as...George Hamilton. This decision was based on consistency. George has consistently been this tanned since 1962. Congratulations.

Who Shot That Oompa-Loompa!?!