...In Other News...

Rehab can apparently help Lindsay quit drinking and drugs, but it seems they can't help her to quit giving the same "peace sign" in virtually every picture taken of her. It really is an addition.

As a side note, sorry for the lack of posts and creativity. Poor IBBB has been sick with some type of stomach virus and even got to spend a little time in the Emergency Room yesterday. So, in between me sleeping and peeling myself off the bathroom floor I tried to put together a post or two. Once I finally feel like I'm not at death's door, I will be recapping my "trip to the emergency room." Seriously, you won't even believe half the crap I saw and experienced. In other news...

~ Pam Anderson and Denise Richards to do Playboy? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Brad Pitt Meets Stunt Brad Pitt ~ AgentBedHead
~ Latest Celebrity Eating Disorder, You Ask? ~ EvilBeet
~ Ashlee Simpson Looks the Same to the Blind ~ FatBack
~ Christina Aguilera Pregnant Ghost Boobs ~ NinjaDude
~ Tom and Katie in Trouble? ~ PopBytes
~ Paris Hilton Looks Like Martha Stewart ~ POTP
~ Winona Ryder Has Sexy Brown Teeth ~ DListed

America's Next Top Model: Get Hoochified

Resident ANTM recapper, Jenny, is back in action this week recapping the absolute piss out of last night's episode of America's Next Top Model. Here are her thoughts on how things went down:

• This week's episode starts off they same way every other one starts off. Why does every girl say they want this because they've had a rough life? I am pretty sure none of these girls are off fighting the war in Iraq. And now you're on TV. Your life is fine.
• The Bio-Diesel Mobile is the girls mode of transportation this time around. That there Clark is an RV.............Good to see Tyra is still saving the planet.
• The girls move in to a sick house (which I feel like I have seen before on another reality shit show), and begin to impersonate Tyra during the elimination ceremony. Please stop doing this. We have seen girls do this every season. It's not funny, or original. It would however be funny if they imitated her having one of her freak show melt downs, a la You Tube.
• The girls do a photo shoot showing the effects of smoking. One girl is bleeding from her lips. Evidently smoking causes you to cut off your lips with scissors? Maybe next week they can show the effects of watching 9 cycles of America's Next Top Model. I will pose with needles sticking out of my eyes, while pulling out my hair one strand at a time.
• Ok, other effects of smoking include stillborn, burn victim, gingivitis (swear to God), a face tumor and a collapsed lung. This is legally the most ridiculous photo shoot to date.
• Awww....How sweet....The girls are making fun of the autistic girl, saying it's like she is on a 3 second delay. I wonder if they also kick puppies.
• Oh God. The girls have a shopping challenge at Old Navy and Benny Ninja shows up. What in the Christ is he wearing? I think he has on every piece of jewelry from Nana's jewelry box. He leaves the girls and shouts "Hasta la vista baby!" I wish the Terminator would show up and blow him away.
• I find this episode very boring...but I laugh when they introduce Nigel at panel. I can't help but think how Pasquale asked him if he could get a picture with Tyra in a headlock.
• During the judging, Tyra tells one girl she does not need to "hoochify" herself. Tyra is so articulate. And a role model.
• Saleisha wins the Old Navy dress yourself challenge and gets $1,000 gift certificate to Old Navy. She also gets to be in an ad for Old Navy. I hope she gets to pose with "Magic" while wearing "Performance Fleece" from 1997.
• During the elimination, Tyra gets on her high horse tells the girls this is a smoke free cycle. Thank God it's not an alcohol free cycle. That's the stuff that dreams are made of.
• Grossest!! Ebony is crying because she might be getting eliminated and has all snots coming out of her nose.
• Anyhoo, Mila gets the boot. I was able to figure this out during the show, because my local news station kept flashing that there would be an interview with an ANTM cast-off after the show. Since I am legally a genius, I was able to figure out it would probably be Mila since she is from Boston and sucks as a model. She kinda looks like Beverly Mitchell from 7th Heaven.
  

America's Next Top Model: Get Hoochified
America's Next Top Model Recap

Newport Harbor: 2 Second Graduation

Alright alright, it's graduation day for the troops of Douche Bag Creek. It seems like just yesterday I was trying to figure out who was who and, while I still don't really know, the season is almost over. Here's how this episode, "You are Not Replaceable," went down:

• How the hell rich is Chrissy's family? Her house it like a resort. Why would she leave there to go to college and live in a 2x4 concrete dorm room?
• It's officially, Samantha is retarded. Listening to her try to tell her friends the "saying" that her dad always says is painful. I mean, not because she really doesn't know, but because you know the producers cast her as the "retarded Heidi" character who seems to say stupid things in every episode. You catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. Really? Don't bees make honey? I'm confused. Thank God there is only one crapisode left.
• What's wrong with Steve Sanders Jr's voice? Why does he talk like that? Does a voice like that eventually go away? Like, when it's time to interview for a job and stuff does his voice stay like that?
• Allie is still fighting with her dad about her busted trip to Europe. Again, why would she want to leave the mansion that she lives in? What's her dad all nervous about? It's not like it's just her and her friends. It's her, her friends, and the entire camera crew that follows them around.
• Clay takes Chrissy to "Joe's Crab Shack." Awesome. I'm not sure I'd take a girl to any place that has "Crabs" in it. That's something she gets to figure out on her own 2 week later. Oh! Stop me if you heard this.
• Question and answer time: Clay is a year younger than Chrissy. Chrissy is graduating and going to college. Clay promises to visit her in college all the time. Isn't this the same exact scenario as Laguna Beach's Steven and Kristin? Steven was the one going to college and Kristin was going to visit all the time. Yeah, that worked out well.
• Chrissy and her dad play a nice round of golf, at her house, and chat about her 1:30 AM curfew. Her dad wants her to keep her curfew. It's not like she's out having sex. This we know. Again, if I were her I would never leave the mansion that I lived in. I'd actually want a curfew of like 8:00 PM. I'd just tell my friends, sorry I have a curfew, I need to go back to my mansion.
• AWESOME! Allie and Samantha are having the "Obligatory Laguna Beach Season 1, 2, and 3 Return to The Hills 1 and 2 Featuring the Cast of Douche Bag Creek" Beach Bonfire!
• Allie superficially tells Chase not to bring his douche-bag girlfriend, to which the producers must have specifically told Chase to bring his douche-bag girlfriend...so he does.
• The whole crew shows up at the bonfire and as time passes everyone starts acting a bit different. While I didn't spot any of the famous "red keg cups" suspect the kids are drunk. Good for them. I'd drink all the live-long day if I had to shoot this crap all day too.
• This bonfire is very reminiscent of Jessica and "what's his face" breaking up at the bonfire during Laguna Beach. Those were the days. I miss Cami.
• Great, now it's time for the obligatory "show the spoiled brats getting their gifts right before graduation." The best part of this is seeing the parents. A creepy one always sneaks in there.
• Well, this time is no different. Now, is Chase's mom actually in porn? Just checking.
• Funny how Clay gives Chrissy a "lay" for graduation. Yes, I'm 10.
• Allie finally gets to her trip to Europe. Just another reason for the Europeans to hate us Americans
• Why do I care to see these baby pictures? There's been like 4 episodes (luckily) of Douche Bag Creek. I barely like the grown up version of these people, why would I want to see their jacked up baby pictures?

Next week: Season Finale. No joke, I can barely do one more episode.

Newport Harbor: 2 Second Graduation
Newport Harbor Recap

Harriet Carter and the Little Bitch

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday you trash-bags! With the recent extra popularity of my ridiculous The Hills recaps, there have been more newbies visiting IBBB for the first time and have been exposed to Harriet Carter for the first time too. I heart when Harriet exposes herself. So to all you new IBBB fans (Johnny-Come-Lately's) enjoy all the crap that Harriet is trying to sell to us this week. From a little bratty bitch, to a high-tech security system, to moon sand, and finally a way to make us even lazier...Harriet has us covered. Let's go....

Product # 1 - You wanna fight with your little brother all the time you little bitch? Good, well then you know where little bitches eat dinner? In the living room all by themselves. Bratty little bitches don't eat "good person" dinner either. You know what little skanky pain-in-the-ass bitches eat for dinner? Yup, you guessed it. They eat popcorn and they drink juice, apparently out of a bag. You may think this is a reward you troublemaker, but we'll get the last laugh. You'll rot out your little bitchy teeth and then will be left toothless. So...still wanna fight with your brother? Oh, you do? Well then good. Be a big bitch in the living room. Alone. And good luck with the monsters that live under the couch. Yes, I know I told you they didn't exist, but they do. And you know what monsters like? Correct! Little bitchy douche-bag pain in the ass troublemakers who eat popcorn and drink juice out of a bag. P.S. You're adopted and your mother used to be a man. Best wishes in therapy.

Product # 2 - Have you been burglarized by cartoon characters? Well if so, now Harriet Carter has found the BEST place for you to hide your valuable possessions where no burglar would ever think to look...in an oversiz-ed plastic book that says "ATLAS" on it. Seriously, who even owns an Atlas anymore? Now make sure you place that Atlas in between your other 1955 encyclopedia's because no burglar will ever think to look there. Wow, and look what valuable possessions they're hiding in that Atlas. Hmmm, let's see. Looks like they're hiding a couple of $20.00 bills, some gold costume jewelry, and a stick in a bag. Yeah, don't let the burglars find that pot of gold you have hiding up on the shelf! As soon as I get Harriet Carters home address I'm taking a trip and I'm finding that Atlas.

Product # 3 - Enjoy confusing the piss out of your kids? Harriet too! She's now selling some "moon sand." Wow, what a real hoot. Hmm, is the moon really red and blue? That's confusing. It actually looks like what Papa Smurf would look like if he were cremated. Oh God forbid. Papa Smurf will live forever. I have no idea what the point of this crap is and I don't care to learn. All I know is that will today's massive drug epidemic the last thing I'm gonna want to have my kids play with is anything that's a powdery substance. Just Say No to Harriet!

Product # 4. Hi Carol! Hi Bob! How are you guys? Lazy I bet! And fat too? Probably. Playing cards I see. Fun! What's the matter with your hands? Why are you so lazy that you can't even hold your cards? Funny, your hands are strong enough to cut hundreds of coupons a day and dig through your pocket so that you can pay for all your groceries in loose change. Interesting. Hey Carol. Hey Bill. Bill! I'm over here. Look, unless you have a hook as a hand be a man and hold your own playing cards or don't play at all. What? I'm just trying to help. Bill, I don't want you looking like a big girl in front of Carol. I mean, you're kind of already crapping your pants in front of her. Hasn't Carol suffered enough? Carol, I changed my mind. You can use the card holder. You've suffered enough getting slapped around by Bill during your marriage in the 50's. You remember? During Bill's "drinking days." Ahhh that's right. It's all coming back to you now. Thanks Harriet for bringing Bill and Carol back together. Gin!

Harriet Carter and the Little Bitch
Harriet Carter

...In Other News...

Britney plays a little game of "pissy pisserson" at a Quizno's bathroom. Now if this was a year ago I would say that there is something wrong with that sentence, but Britney at a Quizno's seems right on target for me. I bet her "gentlemen greeter" smells like a Italian sub, toasted. What? Just pondering....In other news....

~ Kate Moss Shows Teeth, Yes Teeth ~ AgentBedHead
~ Kiefer Sutherland Plays Car and Kill Games with Booze! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Summer Galu, Sure! ~ FatBack
~ Dita Von Teese is a Mystery to Me ~ PopBytes
~ Celebrity Caution Signs Rule! ~ POTP
~ Keira Knightly is a Cow ~ NinjaDude
~ Britney is Grumpy with LA ~ AllieIsWired
~ Lindsay No Pants Free? ~ BricksAndStones
~ Celebrity Ribcage! ~ Yeeeah
~ A Drunken Kanye is a Better Kanye ~ DListed
~ Maya Rudolph Leaves SNL ~ MollyGood
~ Jess and Ashlee are Real Pals ~ DSF

MTV The Hills: Jason Gets Engaged

What a real treat this episode was! The writers of The Hills must have been working overtime to not only add to the script that J Wahl has a girlfriend, but they are moving in together, and are now getting engaged. Lisa Loveless makes another cameo this episode, as does Jenn Bunney. The only person missing this week? 3 words: Elodie. Here's how this episode, "For Better of For Worse" went down:

• So, I'm an idiot. I know, you're shocked. In the 3,000 "The Hills" commercials I saw over the past week I thought Jason said to Lauren, "yeah, but I do want you to be my girlfriend." Yeah, no. Time for IBBB to get his hearing checked because he really said, "yeah, but I do want you to MEET my girlfriend." Yup, that changes everything. I'd also just like to say that Jason isn't as good of an actor as Lauren and definitely not as good as Steve Sanders.


• What's up with Lauren's "baby" voice. Trash. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't toss her outta bed, but it's aggravating.


• Woo-hoo! And enter Lisa Loveless AGAIN! Two episodes in a row? I'm in heaven. I love how Lisa Loveless is dressed like a lumberjack right now. And with that combover? HOT!


• I love watching Whitney take direction from Lisa Loveless. Whitney looks like she's trying to translate German to Chinese when Lisa is talking.


• Heidi shops for a wedding dress. No joke, when Heidi and Jenn Bunney were walking up the street to the bridal shop I swear to God I thought she was with Elodie. This got me to thinking, here are my picks for Heidi's bridal party: Jenn Bunney, Jenn Bunney's old nose, Lisa Loveless, Lisa Loveless' combover, Elodie, Brent BoltHouse, and the horse that lives at Heidi's parents ranch. I'd like to see each of those things walking down the aisle.


• Bonus points for Jenn Bunney asking Heidi if she thinks she's making a mistake once she was technically wearing the wedding dress. What a great bridesmaid.


• Whitney and Lauren have to go to a fitting for Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. When they open the door it's like a whole room of Justin Bobby's!


• One dude in the band wears a size 28 jeans and the other dude literally wears a size 8 woman's jeans. I don't know what's worse. The fact that one is wearing girl jeans or the fact that any man can fit into a size 28. Technically those should be girl jeans. Moving on.


• The gangs goes to a dive bar called "Dime Bar." When they walk in, it's a bar filled with Justin Bobby's. Seriously, Justin Bobby's are everywhere. The bar is kind of like "Where's Waldo" but instead on The Hills it's "Where's Justin Bobby?" See if you can spot him in the crowd and win a prize.


• Everyone starts doing shots and like the typical "girls" that this crew is they talk about doing "Red Headed Sluts." Why does every girl brag about that shot?


• Whitney says, "I hope I don't get wasted," but then throws back a "variety pack" of shots. Lauren looks all nervous. Prude. What is she nervous about? Does she think she'll get fired from Teen Vogue and still only make $25,000 an episode? Yeah, I'd be nervous too.


• Commercial Break: So....the new "scripted show" on MTV coming out...Kaya? Really? I'll start calling it Kaka. And what do they mean the first "scripted" drama on MTV? What about The Hills, Laguna Beach, Newport Harbor, 8th and Ocean (remember that crap?), Real World, Road Rules, etc. Those weren't all scripted? Oh wait, those were scripted comedies not dramas. Ok, I'm all caught up.


• Seriously, is Whitney reading cue-cards? No joke? I think she is. When they're waiting for Red Jumpsuit to show up for the photoshoot, Whitney is all like, "Where-are-they? I-hope-they-didn't-have-car-trouble." Very robotic. Awesome. And the Emmy goes to...


• Although, bonus points for Whitney's impersonation of Lisa Loveless. Nice job on making fun of your boss on camera. I'm sure she'll never see it. Do it behind her back like the rest of us.


• Heidi and Steve Sanders are registering for their wedding and I secretly pray that the all the glasses on the wine shelf collapse and cut them up. Is that not a normal thought process?


• Awesome, Jason's house-warming party. We get to meet his girlfriend, "Katja." Wow, way to trade down Jason. To quickly sum up, they just moved in and somehow are now engaged at the party, yet we missed the proposal. I would guess this is how he would have proposed: Katja, the producers told me to tell you we're engaged, so...cool? Thanks.


• Who's that old bald dude that Audrina was talking to? Creepy.


• Lauren decides to basically tell Jason that he's being an idiot and that he's too young to get engaged. I love how Lauren has this disease where she finds fault in everyone else who is in a relationship because she is miserable and alone. FINE. Lauren, I'll come to LA and we can date for a while. See you in 6-hours.

On the next episode of The Hills: Elodie is back! God bless that crazy bastard. Elodie quits her job at BoltHouse. Sweeeeeet. Stay tuned.

Wanna be IBBB's Myspace Friend? You Know You Do. Spread the Word and Click Here, Trash!
MTV The Hills: Jason Gets Engaged
The Hills

Damn You Jessica Alba!

Damn you Jessica Alba, damn you straight to the fiery pits of hell! Jessica just loves to rub it in my face that she has a "boyfriend." Well now I think it's just getting to the point where she's just being mean about it. Jessica is supposed to be picking out things for me to wear and holding it up to me and by "picking out" I mean "buying" and by "holding it up to me" I mean "her boobs." Ok, now that we're all squared away on that, Jessica Alba and her "boyfriend" (blah) Cash Warren spent a little quality time (i.e her money) at a store in Malibu. Hurtful.

Damn You Jessica Alba!

Old Sex in the New City

4 elderly gentlemen walk into a bar...

Mariah Believes in Science

2 Mariah posts in one-week = world implosion. Buckle up. Mariah was at t VH1 Save the Music brew-ha-ha (??) and when asked about why this night was important, Mariah gave this answer: "I feel like this night is important for children and parents because music actually does help children learn. It's scientifically proven. When schools start cutting programs, it's very disheartening."

Well wait, stop the press. If "science" says it, it must be true! Science can't prove that Jesus existed either. You still believe that you blasphemous whore? Ding ding ding! I couldn't care less about this story except that fact that I've been waiting months and months to use the phrase "blasphemous whore." Clearly, I can check that goal off the list.

Mariah continued discussing other topics such as music, herself, and that about raps it up.

Mariah Believes in Science

...In Other News...

If you are a regular reader of this blog you know, by now, that my friend Janine is obsessed with Bon Jovi. It's almost to the point where I'm afraid to write anything about Bon Jovi in a negative light because she would basically declare Jihad on our friendship. Anyway, Bon Jovi and Mariah Carey (randomly together) were at the VH1 Save the Music event in NYC late last week. I hope Mariah's "crazy" doesn't rub off on Bon Jovi...for Janine's sake. In other news...

~ Wait, You Can Run a Business in Jail? ~ AgentBedHead
~ All of Hollywood Just Gave Birth ~ CelebritySmack
~ Rose McGowen Likes to Kick and Stretch...Sheeee's 50! ~ FatBack
~ Britney's Kids Have Rotten Teeth ~ NinjaDude
~ Nip/Tuck Promos ~ PopBytes
~ Jennifer Aniston is a Business Woman in the Business World ~ POTP
~ Miley Cyrus is a Hot Mess ~ Allie
~ Lohan Hurts Marriages ~ Yeeeah

Celebrity Gossip

No More J Lo Ass Shots, Sorry

Say adios to the ass and/or boobs of Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx. She will no longer be doing any type of nudity in any of her future movies. I don't know what's worse, the fact that she won't be doing any more nudity or the fact that she actually will have "future movies." Tough call. Anyway, J. Glow has said,

"In the beginning I did some and I was really lucky because they would cut my scenes out - so there is only one out there or something like that. I’m not comfortable with it, I’ll be honest with you - not at this point in my career. I love the idea of being a bold actress and I am quite fearless when I work but there is just something about it that just feels not quite right to me - a bit exploiting."

Um, is she technically a bold actress? I mean sure, "Monster In-Law" was definitely a bold role, as was "The Wedding Planner" (was that even the name of the movie?). I feel that in order for me to ever see a Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx movie she should have to be naked in it....the whole time. And she should have to be eating orange slices while she's naked. What? Just a thought. Go with it.

Who Said That!?!
No More J Lo Ass Shots, Sorry

Weekly Audrina and Justin Bobby Update

Awesome! Audrina and Justin Bobby from "The Hills" are still going strong. Justin Bobby and Audrina were out and about somewhere doing something or coming back from somewhere. It doesn't really matter though as they are "Audrina and Justin Bobby." They're like the new Ken and Barbie...if Barbie was missing her upper lip, had too many teeth in her mouth, and had droopy lazy eyes....and Ken was a crackhead who needed a bath. What? Just sayin. I want to interview Audrina's teeth.

Weekly Audrina and Justin Bobby Update

Who Shot Them!?!

Nicole Richie Really Let Herself Go

Nicole Richie really let herself go. Gross. Have another beer, fat-ass. Nicole was in Hawaii celebrating her 26th birthday over the weekend and, lets just say, she was not bikini body ready. What a sin. I remember the days when Nicole was running carefree on the beach with her stick arms and stick legs flailing about. She was weighing in at no more than about 85 pounds. Ahhh, that good old days. Now look at her. She's probably up to 100 pounds and is sporting a beer belly. Her arms and legs aren't even as stick-like as they once were. I'm disappointed. I hope she's proud of herself. There were millions of girls who were bent over a toilet with a Barbi toothbrush shoved halfway down their throat so that they could be more like Nicole. Is this the kind of example she really wants to give now? Oh wait, she's pregnant? Ok, carry on then. Scratch what I just said. Good day.

Nicole Richie Really Let Herself Go

Britney Rehab, Rehab Britney. So We Meet Again?

Rumor (Willis) has it that Britney Spears has checked her arse back into rehab, according to X17Online.com. I hope this isn't true, as a sober and cleaned up Britney is a boring and uninteresting Britney. If this is true, I hope that she goes to Promises Rehab, as that place seems like a real blast. I mean they have tennis, volleyball, shuffleboard, and is rumored to also have weekly Bingo. Awesome!

Britney was recently charged with a little "hit and run" and driving without a license. Luckily there is no law that is currently in place that says you can't drive without underpants. Pheeew! That was a close one for Britney. If found guilty, Britney could face up to 1-year in jail (6-months for each charge), but I'm sure she'll just have to pa a fine. I mean, Lindsay Lohan basically killed someone, Nicole Richie drove up the wrong side of the freeway while on drugs, and Paris Hilton drove without her license about 15 times. These three whores served a total of about 45 minutes in jail. I'm sure Britney will be fine. On a sad note, Britney doesn't have much else to shave. Maybe she'll pull out her front tooth. Ohhhh I hope it's that.

UPDATE: Britney, thankfully, is NOT in rehab as X17 originally thought. Pheeew! Back to drinking and flashing your "gentlemen greeter." God bless!

Britney in Rehab Again?

Marcia & Jan Brady: Lesbians, Coke, the 70's

First off, this is some of my finest photoshopping to date. This, my friends, will win awards. Anyway, bom-chika-bom-bom....Maureen McCormick and Eve Plumb may have played lesbian reindeer games in the 70's. Even more exciting is that Marcia Brady and Jan Brady may have been lesbian 1970 lovers! Hot. I hope Jan kept the black wig on the whole time. Oh and you know that cousin Oliver was all over that shit.

Maureen McCormick has written a new book in which she allegedly talks about her drug use (cocaine) and how she had a crush on Eve Plumb and how that lead to some "lesbian hijinks." I love lesbian hijinks. It's basically the best kind of hijinks there is, next to jihad. While jihad can be considered hijinks, it's in a complete different league then lesbian hijinks.

While Maureen is claiming that she is not a professional muff-diver and/or lesbian, she and Jan may have gotten a little frisky. How come this wasn't on the E! True Hollywood Story? They're going to need to update that STAT. Oh, and you KNOW that Sam the butcher was totally handling the meat when this was going down (insert applause and sympathetic laughter here).

Marcia, coke? Lesbianism? Jan, wigs? Lesbianism? Mike and Carol have a lot of explaining to do.

God bless Sherwood Schwartz, that sick son-of-a-bitch.

Who Said That!?

Marcia & Jan Brady: Lesbians, Coke, the 70's

...In Other News...

Operation "Sell Out in Year 2" has continued to be a success, so I figured who better to make the links section today than IBBB. Check me out on E! News from last week and let the sell out games continue. Have a good weekend! Drive fast, take chances. In other news...

~ Sex in the City Won't Die ~ CelebritySmack
~ Paris To Hang With Drunken Skanks? ~ AgentBedHead
~ Kim Kardashian's Ass to Do Playboy ~ DListed
~ Britney Takes Shit-Brick Shopping ~ EvilBeet
~ Alicia Silvertstone Shows Her Vagina For a Good Cause ~ FatBack
~ Breaking News: Hayden Walks a Dog ~ NinjaDude
~ Britney Song MashUp ~ PopBytes
~ Amy Winehouse Won a MOBO ~ POTP
~ Nancy O'Dell Whore Out Her Baby ~ DirtyDisher
~ Jolie's Kids Dressed For Winter ~ Allie
~ Kristin Davis With Child? ~ Yeeeah

Jessica Simpson Drunk. Perfect!

Jessica Simpson is drunk and slutty. This officially makes Jessica the perfect girl and, perhaps, the perfect human. Yes, it does. This makes Jessica smarter, funnier, more talented, a better singer, a better actress, and a better person overall. I'm not kidding, I truly believe this.

Jessica was filming scenes for her latest movie "Major Movie Star." I say someone hand this chick an Oscar. I'm not kidding, give it to her. Hell, if she's playing a drunken movie star and ends up flashing her "gentlemen greeter" I'd give her the Nobel Prize.

I like 'em drunk, skanky, falling down, and sleeping on the street. I don't like them will gunk in their eye though. Just sayin...

Jessica Simpson Drunk. Perfect!

The Hills Elodie Otto: Ode to Elodie

My Dearest Elodie (this is best read in a British accent, trust me),

You are quite the mystery to me. You, Elodie, are a surprise for me this season on The Hills. At first I thought your main role was just to make weird faces at the camera and continually lurk by Heidi's office. However, you have turned out to be so much more to me. A friend, a sister, a stranger, and one who spurted out the phrase "See Ya" to Heidi in only a way that a drunken truck driver could. I applaud you Elodie, I applaud you. I am a little confused by your name, but it only adds to the mystery of Elodie Otto. Hello Motto, I always think. Missing the "M" in Elodie (Melodie) and missing the "m" in Otto (Motto). This only adds so the intrigue. You, Elodie, are a cunning little minx and are as sly as a fox.

I can only look back with regret that we weren't Myspace friends yesteryear, as I would have signed up to be your new roommate. Damn my "Johnny Come Lately" attitude. I took your existence for granted, Elodie. I took you for granted. A spacious 2-bedroom? I say we get bunk-beds, share the room, and make the spare bedroom a shrine to Heidi and/or her new boobs. I haven't decided yet.

My dearest Elodie, so what is next for you? Shall you be pissing in Heidi's coffee? Shan't you start throwing hay-makers at Steve Sanders? Shall you drug Lisa Loveless and make her into the woman that she deserves to be? Shan't you say "See Ya!" in many more episodes? Shall you quit BoltHouse? Shan't you say "shall?" Oh Elodie. Oh my Elodie. You are a God-send to Season 3 of The Hills. You are a God-send to me.

The Hills Elodie: Ode to Elodie
The Hills
Justin Bobby: The Hills Recap

This Time Last Year: Jessica Simpson

Memories, like the corners of my mind. I'd like to introduce a new little segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Jessica Simpson, This Time Last Year: Ghost Boobs and a Side of Cameltoe:

I love how people still don't know about certain black shirts and camera flashes. Come on people, it's instant ghost boobs! Well, not that I'm complaining. Jessica is really on the borderline of rockin' the cameltoe though. She needs to be careful with that. That's danger!

This Time Last Year: Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson

Dane Cook Moves in On My Girl

That smug son-of-a-bitch, Dane Cook, is totally moving in on my girl Jessica Alba. It's been a while since I posted anything about Jessica as it was rumored that she was back with her old boyfriend, Cash (?? Change??) and let's face it I can't compete with a cool name like that. Anyway, Jessica Alba and Dane Cook were at the LA premiere of their latest movie "Good Luck Chuck." Dane Cook had recently stated that Jessica was one of the funniest actresses that he's worked with. Yeah, that's just a "line" Jessica. It's not that you're not funny, but you're not. Your job here on planet earth is to be hot and win fake awards like, "Hottest Woman in the World" by magazines that are basically on their way out. Your role here on planet earth is not to be a funny actress or even an "actress" for that matter Just look good and we'll buy anything you're selling. Selling frozen poop and some marbles? Jump into a bathing suit while you're selling it and SOLD!

As a side note, I'm just bitter because Dane Cook has my career. Kind of funny, but not really. Kind of good looking, but not really. Kind of talented, but not really. I think he experienced a lot of "right place at the right time" syndrome. I hope to suffer from that one day too.

Who Shot Them!?!

Dane Cook Moves in On My Girl

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 9: Recap

Alright! Our favorite (and only) guest blogger is back! Jenny had finished fighting the war in Canada, finished fixing that tricky global warming problem, and has rollerskated the entire Great Wall of China. Jenny has come back to specifically recap the piss out of this season of America's Next Top Model. It's Cycle 9 and Tyra and the girls are just as crazy. Did you see this crapisode? Tell Jenny what you thought...or else! Here's how she said the season premiere of America's Next Top Model went down:

Hang onto your underpants peanuts gang...It's America's Next Top Model- Cycle 9.

• The show opens with Tyra calling the finalists on the phone, to let them know they've made it onto the show. The girls shriek with delight and surprise at the sound of Tyra's voice. I don't understand why they are so surprised, since they are video-taping their own reactions. Unless......Do they always have a video camera rolling while they take phone calls? Damn President Bush and his wiretapping!


• The girls are going on a cruise and Miss Jay is the cruise director. At this point I am really hoping for a cameo from Isaac and am practicing my "2 finger point" in the mirror. Looks good.


• The girls don huge orange life jackets and strut down the runway. I find this challenge amusing. I mean, I've been on a cruise before and have had to do the "life jacket drill." After a few shots of tequila, my friends and I would just point at each other and tell each other we looked like a-holes. I guess Tyra was taking this in a different direction than my friends and I would have.


• Sweet baby Jesus, Tyra just showed up as a showgirl in a Vegas-style ship show (or shit show, if you will). I am completely disappointed that she isn't singing "Shake Ya Body." Mad props to anyone who remembers that smash hit from season 1. You are a true fan...and that's not a good thing.


• As a side note, I am getting slightly depressed looking at all these skinny models. It's not fair. I mean, I am sitting here eating an Italian sub. Like a pig at a trough. Seriously...Pickles and lettuce falling all over the place.


• There are too many girls at this point for me to commit to any formal introductions. Just know that there is a robot dance, a girl they call hunch back, tears, and a legit demonstration from Tyra on a Brazilian wax. Tyra plays psychiatrist to all of the girls, per usual.


• Quote of the night from one of the ANTM hopefuls: "I know stuff....I read books." Really?


• Still no cameo from Isaac, but there is one from Jaslene. She is doing some type of high kicks on the beach.


• Okay...After the girls have their photo shoot in Antigua, they get to find out if they made it to the next round. The girls run like the beach is on fire to see if their picture is hanging up. This leads to the usual tears for the girls who didn't make it. One girl is literally bawling her eyes out, saying "now I have to go back to school!" I mean, cheer up. Nobody died. It's just school. It's actually fun...They have beer pong there.


• The kicker is how they have the winners waving to the losers on the shore as they sail away toward success. Perfect.


• Tyra makes the girls stand up and say why they deserve to be here (SNORE)...and they narrow the 20 down to the lucky 13. Let the fun begin. And by fun, I mean horror.

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 9: Recap
America's Next Top Model

Newport Harbor: "Chrissy the Virgin"

Surprisingly they haven't pulled the plug on Newport Harbor...er...I'm sorry I meant "Douche-Bag Creek." On this very special crapisode of Douche Bag Creek, Chrissy alerts the world and lets them know that her "gentlemen greeter" has yet to "greet any gentlemen." Did she at least shake a gentleman's hand or anything? To crack my 10 year old joke, Chrissy is a big virgin. Way to be a role model to all the whores out there. Here's how this episode, The "V" Word, went down:

• Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are on the beach in jeans and what I can only assume are Nicole Richie's sunglasses.
• Chrissy is all nervous because she's a virgin and tells Sasha that she's proud of herself for remaining virgin alllllll throughout high school. Wow, what an accomplishment. You weren't a 2 dollar whore in high school. Move other Mother Theresa, we have a new saint in line! Chrissy, do you at least let boys touch your boobies? It's one thing being a virgin, it's another thing being a tease.
• As a side note, my prediction is that Chrissy will be slutting it up like it's her last day on earth once she enters college. Good luck with your 2.0 GPA and morning after pill. Cheers!
• Now are Allie and Samantha considered legally retarded? They have a legit conversation on whether or not Italy is a country. They settle on the fact that Italy is a state, just like a state here in the good old USA. Good job girls! Thank God your parents have money.
• Taylor and Chase talk on the pier about how he dicked her over at the Prom. I couldn't care less about this, but it makes me really miss the old Laguna Beach with Kirstin and Steven. Granted they, too, were douche bags but it was may more entertaining. I also miss Cami very badly. I miss you Cami. I love you. Come back to TV. Come back.
• Back to Samantha and Allie. These two are now trying to figure out what French food is like and Allie seems to think that French food is "animals." Mmmm sounds appetizing. French restaurants must be great. You open the menu and it just says "animals." They then try to figure out what caviar is called, but not before calling it "caaaaar." Sound it out stupid. You better hope you get pregnant SOON by some rich guy. Immediately get your kid a tutor, stat.
• Chrissy goes shopping for underwear for her big date. You know what Chrissy, if you aren't going to give up the goods, don't even bother trying to dress up your "gentlemen greeter." It's kind of like putting a plastic bag over a Christmas Tree. It's pointless...and dangerous. It could catch fire.
• You know what, good for Chrissy being comfortable saying she's virgin over and over and over and over and over again, but it's actually making me a little uncomfortable. Whatever happened to the days of being embarrassed and ashamed over that? She should at least lie about it and tell people she lost her virgintity from her dad or something.
• Chase and Taylor are back together. Who gives an F? Apparently not Chrissy since she technically doesn't give an F.
• Allie fights with her parents about her trip to France. She says she's an adult and should be treated like one. Oh, and her dad paid for her entire trip. Yup, that's an adult. It is very supportive when Allie's dad says she's only 17 and doesn't even have a clue. You ever wonder why your daughter is on the therapy couch? Yeah, statements like that.
• Chrissy the big V and Clay are on their date in the hot tub and she tells him that she's a virgin. So now he knows, I know, and the other 14 people who watch this show. Clay says, "good job!" Yeah, she didn't kick a field goal. Fine, good job on not being a slut.

Newport Harbor: "Chrissy the Virgin"
Newport Harbor Recap

...In Other News...

I'm not sure if this is really Oscar de la Hoya or just some crafty photoshopping. Regardless, I'm officially legally blind in one eye and have lost partial vision in the other eye. Oscar de la Hooters? Ay! Ay! Ay! In other news...

~ Britney Gets to Keep Her Kids ~ FatBack
~ Rachel Ray Has $500 Million? ~ PopBytes
~ Hayden Panettiere Will Kill You Next ~ MollyGood
~ OJ Has Money for Bail ~ Dlisted
~ Britney Parties Like It's 1999 and She's Not a Whore ~ CelebritySmack
~ J Lo Isn't Pregnant, She's Just from the Bronx ~ POTP
~ Britney Abuses Substances ~ Yeeeah!
~ Vanessa Learns a Whore-filled Lesson ~ AgentBedHead

Harriet Carter Confuses Children

There's nothing that makes me happier than a productive Harriet Carter Wednesday...unless its when "Failure Model Chick" makes a guest appearance. What a treat because "Failure Model Chick" is back in action. This week, Harriet Carter is trying to sell us new hair, a killer reindeer, microwavable dogs, and Betty Boop for President. Let's go....

Product # 1 - Hey ladies, is your hair thinning? Do you want it to grow back thicker and fuller....but only on the sides and come back a different color? Well if you shouted out "yes" to your computer then you are in luck. Now Harriet can help with your hair troubles. Just look how happy this lady is! She's so happy that she has somehow transferred herself into an 80's sitcom "dream" sequence that even sports the white fog and bright white light. Either that or this product has killed her and she is about 4 feet away from Jesus in heaven. Yes, Jesus. Seriously, why is her hair so bushy and blond on the sides, yet thin and dark brown on the top? Does this product automatically give you "The Rachel" from 1994? Someone test this out. Thanks.

Product # 2 - Here comes death car, here comes death car, right down death car lane! Now you can let everyone on Interstate 93 know just how much you love Christmas by dressing your car up as a reindeer. Let me repeat that. Dressing your car up like a reindeer. As if driving a KIA isn't bad enough, now you can make it look even worse. What a great idea for the kids too. "Hey kids, go and give Santa's reindeer a big hug!" Every time the kids see this coming up the street they're going to run out into the street to try to hug it. Nothing like a hug going 64 mph. Ouch, hugs hurt! You know what kids, so does Christmas. Christmas hurts. This reindeer kit also can really jazz up your molester mobile. Trying to lure kids into your car by asking them to pet your puppy is so "kidnapped 1981." Now you can have the kids come over to pet Santa's reindeer. Ho ho ho! Christmas just came early for the diddlers! Ohhh "Christmas With the Diddlers." That should be a movie. Thanks for inspiring, Harriet!

Product # 3 - A moment of silence please......."Failure Model Chick" is back! This time around she is sporting a plush dog around her neck that can be heated up in the microwave. I shit you not. Brrrr it's cold. I wish I had a cooked dog around my neck. Viola! Now you can! And you know that "Failure Model Chick" was all "I'm not putting a stupid cat around my neck for this picture...I'm a successful catalog/crapalog model." "Failure Model Chick" must be quite the diva on the set. As a side note, let's just say it...how much of a douche bag does the model in the picture above look like? Also, besides just teeing off on "Failure Model Chick" and crew, why does one need a heated animal around their neck to keep warm? I have an idea...turn the heat on. Nothing will confuse a child more than watching "Mommy" putting a dog in the microwave. Watch out Sparky, you're next!

Product # 4 - No wonder the terrorists are always after us. This Harriet Carter t-shirt says "Born in the USA" and has a picture of Betty Boop on it looking like a big whore. Seriously? (1) Do people still want/wear anything Betty Boop related? (2) What in holy hell does Betty Boop have to with the USA? (3) Uh, why do you need a t-shirt that says "Born in the USA?" Maybe if you're an illegal immigrant you should be sporting this t-shirt just to trick INS, but other than that please don't buy something like this. I can see it now, hundreds of restaurant dish-washers will all be running around with Betty Boop t-shirts. Ok, on to "Madre de Failure Model Chica." Is she on Ecstasy in this picture? Clearly she's on something. They probably had to pump her full of drugs to get her to take this picture. She's way creepy. Wait, is she actually dead? Tricky Harriet! Putting a t-shirt on a dead corpse? T-shirt should say "Born and Died in the USA."

Harriet Carter Confuses Children

Heidi Montag "Sings" Live. I'm HAPPY!

There comes a day in every humans (and dogs, not cats) life when you get down on your knees and thank sweet Jesus that you're alive. Today, my friends, is that day. Clearly I am the Good Will Ambassador to "The Hills" as I got this clip sent to me from about 50 different people. Oh the joy it brings.

Heidi Montard turned 21 years old and was celebrating her 21st at a star studded event that consisted of such celebrities as Heidi Montard, Steve Sanders, and Perez Hilton. All hot messes. Anyway, halfway through her birthday celebration Heidi decides to declare a holy war, or "jihad" if you will, on the party singing. Yes folks, singing. Oh look at her go. The way she moves that same arm up and down. She's singing like it's her last day on earth. At one point I think she technically goes into a seizure. Oh and look here, she even has a backup dancer. Why, it's none other than Steve Sanders. It seriously looks like Heidi is having a fight with herself.

Ahhh birthday's. I remember a birthday of yesteryear when I, too, got completely trashed, broke some shit, got into a fight, fell off of a table, ruined a friendship, and got thrown out of the bar. And you know what? At no point did I ever think of singing to my friends. They had already suffered enough. That's why I am a national treasure and Heidi Montard is the slut of Satan (thanks Traci).

Heidi Montag "Sings" Live. I'm HAPPY!

Who Won Big Brother 8?

I'm still completely pissed for not making it into the Big Brother house, but like any obedient white-trash blogger I will recap the piss out of the Big Brother 8 Finale. So who won? Don't read this if you don't want to know. Also, don't stare directly into the sun. Just another helpful tip. Here's how this season finale crapisode went down. Brace yourself.

• I love Danielle's anorexia look. It really works on her. The turrets works for Dick too.
• Wow look at Julie Chen with her "F-Me" black leather pants on. Oww!
• Uh, it's been 6 minutes. Why hasn't Amber started crying yet?
• What the hell is wrong with Eric's eyebrows and eyes? Wait, does he have turrets too? I'm confused.
• Jameka references Dick and Danielle as "pimps and ho's." Brilliant. Me gusta Jameka.
• Ambers basically asks Danielle why she's a whore on national television. I'm shocked Amber didn't start crying during her own questioning.
• To be honest, I've started to lapse into a coma. Code red.
• I've decided I hate Danielle's voice. It sounds like two cats chain-smoking and playing the spoons under the porch. Yup that's it.
• Seriously, these people are all goons. Wait, Julie Chen just changed from leather pants to a skirt. Eh, easier access I guess.
• When it's time for the crew to vote, they all pussy out on what they'll say to the douche-bag Donato's. I would have been like, "your mother's a whore, go F yourself, you look like skeletor" etc. Borrrring! ZZzzzzzzz.
• They reveal the secret that Eric was America's Player. They made it seem like a big deal. It wasn't. It was F'n dumb. I hate me for recapping this.
• I vote to evict...Julie Chen.
• Eric votes for Dick
• Jameka votes for Danielle
• Dustin votes for Dick
• Jen votes for Danielle
• Zack votes for Dick
• Amber votes for Dick
  

The jury is retarded. The end. P.S why was Lizzy Grubman in the audience? No joke.

Who Won Big Brother 8?

If That Dude Dies, Will OJ Get Charged With Murder Too? Ohhhh Crazy. Spooky Even!

Oh that wacky OJ! OJ Simpson has been charged with a ton of crap. 2 counts of first-degree kidnapping? Sold! 2 counts of robbery with a deadly weapon? Sold! 2 account of assault with a deadly weapon? Sold!

Sadly, one of the victims of this mess, Bruce Fromong, suffered a major heart attack and is currently in critical condition. Holy crap. If this guy takes a dirt nap, can OJ be charged with some type of murder? Where is my lawyer fan-base?

I just think that OJ is misunderstood. He's like a delicate flower that just gets mixed up with the wrong crowd. As a side note, who the hell stays at the Palace Station Hotel and Casino? That's the real crime. Can we charge him with that? Sold! It just sucks because OJ is 60 years old. He should be slowing down as he gets closer to retirement. OJ should be golfing a little, cutting the lawn a little, stabbing a little, kidnapping a little. You know, typical retiree stuff.

Who Said That!?!

...In Other News...

That Teri Snatchfest really is a triple threat: old, stupid and a singer. You don't find talent like that just any day. But you do today. You do the math! Anyway, Teri performed at an after Emmy's party for TV Guide. What a real treat. You know what Teri? There's a war going on right now. Go fight in it. In other news...

~ Kanye Continues Bitchfest '07 ~ CelebritySmack
~ Courtney Love is a Treat, a Real Treat ~ AgentBedHead
~ Angelina Says She Ain't No Skanked Out Whore ~ DirtyDisher
~ Brad Pitt Stole My Look ~ PopBytes
~ Mary Louise Parker Hits Up Africa ~ POTP
~ Vanessa Hudgens is On the Market? ~ NinjaDude
~ Beyonce Has Wax Ass ~ AllieIsWired
~ Rosie Gives "The Diss" to Oprah ~ Yeeeah
~ Jessica Simpson Goe Daisy Duke Again, Sweeeet ~ FatBack

The Hills: When Douches Collide

Alright alright, so it's the highly anticipated crapisode of The Hills where Lauren and Jason and Heidi and Steve Sanders all "just happen" to bump into each other at "Ketchup." I have many questions before watching. How will this go down? How will Lo work "Justin Bobby" into a random conversation? What other random cast member will show up with a nose job? Will Audrina's teeth be considered a weapon of mass destruction? How many scenes will Whitney keep her mouth open in? Where oh where is my Lisa Loveless? How many people does LC have to blow in order to constantly get into Les Deaux? How many songs will play during this episode that will foreshadow future happenings. Phhhhew, that's a lot of questions. Here's how this crapisode went down:

• Audrina in a hoodie sweatshirt is a spitting image of ET (if you're too young to get that reference Google it, and I'll be off killing myself). Why does Lauren keep her door unlocked. I think that's a really bad idea. People just walk right in as soon as she yells "it's open." God forbid I get her address.
• Ok Heidi, we get it. You and Steve Sanders are living with each other for the first time. You're learning things. You don't have to say things like, "wow you put the toilet seat down." Just because you read it on a Hallmark card doesn't mean it's automatically funny.
• STOP THE PRESS! Lisa Loveless you sweet and sexy son-of-a-bitch. You're back! You're back in my life and I'm never gonna let you go again. Look at you, will ya?! Is that newly highlighted stringy hair you have there? Similar to the kids from Making the Band, you came back this season rocking the new look and letting your new fans how well you're been doing. Welcome back Loveless, welcome back.
• Note to self: employees at Teen Vogue....not so hot.
• I f'n LOVE how scripted this shit it. Heidi walks into work and her new "assistant" says stereotypical things like "you have some new messages." However my favorite part would have to be when Heidi gives her assistant specific instructions on which calls will always get through to her. Those 3 people would be, Steve Sanders, Jenn Bunney, and Brent. No joke.
• What the F is Elodie looking at? Stop lurking Heidi's office. You didn't get the job.
• Bonus points for Whitney taking a picture the correct way. My money was on her making the flash go off in her face.
• Lauren and Whitney talk about actual work for 2.5 seconds and then get right back into talking about the drama in their lives. When Lauren tells Whitney that Audrina spent the weekend with Justin Bobby, Whitney says she didn't know they were "back on" but tries to say that with "air quotes." It doesn't work too well for Whitney because she doesn't give air quotes as much as it looks like she's tickling the underneath of a dog...and you totally know she's into that.
• Hey Whitney, when Lauren answers the phone and says "hi Jason" you don't have to ask her if that was Jason when she hangs up. The "hi Jason" pretty much answers the question for you.
• Sweet! Heidi is back in the office and is dressing like Angela Bower walking into the Bower Agency on Madison Ave.
• Steve Sanders calls and enters my favorite Scripted Moment of the Episode. He actually says, "Hey beautiful, how are things going with the new job? I was thinking we'd go to this new place Ketchup to celebrate the big promotion." Awesome. Nice use of buzzwords. Funny, Lauren and Jason are going to be at Ketchup and only them and the producers knew that. Odd how you end up going too.
• I think it's really nice that Lauren drinks in front of recovering alcoholic Jason. Sure it's not the biggest deal, but he literally got out of rehab the day before. Nice work Lauren.
• Steve Sanders and Heidi then tell horrible jokes of why Jason and Lauren are together, such as she picked him up from jail and she picked him up from rehab. Oh you two!
• Heidi then goes on to say, "Maybe they're back in the movie making action." What the F does that mean? Do you mean "movie making business?" What the hell is "movie making action?" If you mean that you're a douche bag, then I totally get it.
• After Steve Sanders and Heidi send over drinks to LC and Jason and they send them back Lauren and Jason decide to take their toys and go home. All in a days work.
• Bonus points for Elodie putting Heidi in her place by telling her that she doesn't have any friends any more and "it's so sad." She finishes the conversation by yelling out a manly "see ya." However, I will take some bonus points away, as clearly this was the crafty editing of MTV. Elodie was probably really like "I love you Heidi, you're the best boss ever. It's so sad when it rains. Let's hang out tonight. See ya then!" And then MTV edited it into what was shown. Just a guess.

Next weeks crapisode should be good because Lisa Loveless is back again. Yeah!

Wanna meet the d-bag mastermind behind The Hills recaps? You know you do. Do a little click click right here...HERE! Still cashing in on my 43 seconds of fame.

The Hills: When Douches Collide
The Hills Recap

Jesse Metcalf Looks For Work

Jesse Metcalf looks for what happened to his career and finally finds a piece of it outside of his house. Who knew that man-boobs and stick legs were in this season? I'm totally in style! See, I can say these things because as "lacking" as Jesse's career may be he's still living in a multi-million dollar house and having his picture taken as he takes out the trash. That is completely everything I aspire towards...except not for having the b-cup.

Who Shot That Trash!?
Jesse Metcalf Looks For Work

Brit Not Allowed to Be Whore at Hotel

If you're going to be a drunken-white-trash-drugged-out-speech-slurring-gum-chomping-y'all-saying-whore then don't think that you're going to be allowed to play reindeer games at the Chateau Marmont hotel in LA. According to random drunken reports, Britney has been banned from the Chateau Marmont. Seriously, how f'd up do you have to be to be banned from the hotel, yet Lindsay Lohan was allowed to frolic throughout the hotel. Hell, she even lived there for a short period of time.

Anyway, according to the New York Post Britney put food all over her face and freaked out the other guests. Wait, is that wrong? I always thought that was pure comedy. Clearly, I'm not ready for the Chateau Marmont.

Poor Britney is already having a pretty tough week and it's only Monday. Supposedly her lawyer dropped her as a client, she's put a hit out on KFed (I'm ok with that one), a secret witness says Britney was drinking and on drugs after rehab, and Britney is the daughter of Satan. Phhhew. I'm predicting a dirt-nap by week end. Good day.

Brit Not Allowed to Be Whore at Hotel

Alert: Less Car Accidents Predicted in China This Weekend.

As a wise Asian playing Michelle Tanner once said, "Moshi Moshi Dude!" China is initiating its first ever "no car day" this weekend so they can promote environmental health. No Chinese drivers? But who will be responsible for the multiple car accidents? Come on, that's not fair. Question. Now is this driving ban only in China or are they banning Chinese drivers all over the world? I'm still not feeling to safe. Who needs all those people going from cars to bikes. True story, I had a friend accidentally knock a Chinese delivery driver off his bike. Granted it was my friends fault, but it still makes me nervous. I say lets just initiate a permanent ban and see how it plays out over the course of the year.

Britney Spears Loses Custody of Kids

Update: It is now reported (10.1.2007) that Britney has infact lost custody of her two kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One." For more up-to-date info Click Here..Right Here...Ok, Here

Fox News is reporting that Britney Spears will be losing custody of her kids, but just for a short period of time. So who will get her two kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One?" Why none other than Kevin Federline.

Allegedly during the custody hearing on Monday, Britney's former bodyguard spoke of Britney's problem with "nudity and drug use." Yeah, I'm sure he was really concerned while Britney was flashing him her "gentleman greeter" on Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays. But clearly, now is the time to shell out that information.

I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, I remember when my mother was drunk all the time and bombing appearances at the MTV Video Music Awards, and that time she almost dropped me. Nobody seemed to want to take me away from her then. I think that people are just going after Britney because they never could find weapons of mass destruction and also because of Global Warming. Her "cha-cha" is probably green. Doesn't that count? God speed Britney. God speed. Remember, slicing left to right just gets you attention. Slicing up and down really does the trick. Best wishes.

Who Claims This!?!

Britney Spears Loses Custody of Kids

IBBB Makes E! News: World Implodes

Ah my disciples! Operation "Sell Out in Year 2" is going off without a hitch for IBBB. Yours truly has gone national and has somehow made it onto the airwaves of E! News. Yes, my friends, apparently using a bagel as a microphone and talking about force-feeding anorexic celebrities on the red carpet during the Emmy Awards is really all you need to do in order to get your ass on television. Remember kids, anorexia is not a disease....it's a punch line.

Other plans to sell out include, but are no limited too:

• Being adopted by Angelina Jolie
• Getting on some type of gameshow
• Becoming a celebrity assistant (still a goal)
• Becoming the father of Dina Lohan's next child
• Checking myself into rehab in order to go celebrity hunting

All kidding aside, it was quite the honor for this jackass to make his 43 seconds of fame on E! News as it was one of my goals for 2007. Selling out has never felt so good and being on TV has really provided me with self-worth. It kind of makes me better than most people. And I thought the hi-light of my week was telling Nigel Barker about my plans to put Tyra Banks in a headlock. What a difference a day makes.

I've also made it onto the E! website...right between Jodie Foster and "The Office" just like I've always dreamed?

IBBB

...In Other News...

The Emmy Awards were on and people won stuff. In other news....

~ LindsayNo Pants Likes "The Sex" ~ DirtyDisher
~ Christina Aguilera on Piano ~ CelebritySmack
~ Ellen Pompeo Squints During the Emmy's ~ DListed
~ The Emmy's Get Censored ~ EvilBeet
~ The Emmy Recap ~ PopBytes
~ Jodie Marsh and Her Happy Yet Violent Sex Life ~ AgentBedHead
~ Pam Anderson is Kind of a Prostitute ~ FatBack
~ More J Glow is Pregnant Rumors ~ Ninjadude
~ Ryan Pillippe Wanted to Play "Dirt Nap" ~ POTP
~ Heidi Montard Turns 21, Has Been Drinking on Camera Since 17 ~ AllieIsWired

J Lo + Spice Girls = End of World

First off, my photoshopping skills have hit a new level of tragedy, yet I'm proud. Second, people say that all the floods, earthquakes, tornadoes, and fires are all signs of the end of the world. I disagree. Clearly, Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx in concert with the Spice Girls would be God's final straw in which he would just close up shop on planet earth. I picture God hitting the buzzer and chanting "No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies...STOP" and then planet earth would just implode.

It has been reported that Saint Jennifer wants to go on tour with The Spice Girls during their horrific world tour. J. Glow says, "I'd love to get back out there on tour and I'd really like to perform on the same stage as the Spice Girls. Even before we were friends, Posh was always my favorite."

For the love of God, where to begin. That sounds like the worst idea ever. 3 hours of lip-synching. 3 hours of bad dance moves. 3 hours of giving the peace sign. 3 hours of sayings like "Girl Power." 3 hours of sayings like, "I'm just a girl from the Bronx." 3 hours of fans of both the Spice Girls and J. Glow. If I wanted to listen to "Waiting for Tonight" and "2 Becomes 1" I'd dig out my old mix-tapes. Er...Uh...I mean....Doh!

Who Said That!?
J Lo + Spice Girls = End of World

Will Dina Swap Places With Lindsay?

I heart Dina Lohan. Just take a look at this crazy minx. Whose mom dresses like that? She is a mirror of Lindsay. Technically she's a coke mirror of Lindsay. Dina stopped by for a visit and a photo opportunity at Lindsay No Pant's rehab facility in Utah. While some are saying that Dina is there to bust Lindsay out of there with her bust, those are just rumors are many sources are stating that Lindsay will be there for another 2-3 months. I hope so. I say that should release Lindsay around Thanksgiving and then use her as a float during the Macy's Day Parade. It will, however, be difficult to determine who will be higher at the point...Lindsay or Dina? Oh! Stop me if you heard it. Try the veal!

Will Dina Swap Places With Lindsay?

If Angelina Jolie is Pregnant I'm Gonna Be Pissed.

If Angelina really is pregnant again I'm going to seriously be pissed. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting...and waiting and then when I was done waiting I've waited some more to be adopted by Angelina Jolie. Sorry Ma and Dad I know you are my parents and stuff, but I'm ready to upgrade to Angelina Jolie to be both my mother and my father. It's nothing personal, it's just about continuing my plan to "Sell Out in Year 2" of IBBB.

This latest picture of Angelina Jolie walking around Venice with her son/daughter "What's Its Face" and looking like she may be "with child." I mean she doesn't look as much like she's pregnant as she does look like she may have just had a beer. She better not be pregnant. I am totally next in line to be adopted. Don't worry I'll still blog, but I'll be waaaaay more rich.

Angelina Jolie Pregnant?

OJ Simpson Arrested in Vegas, Baby!

I think that "horribly tragic and not funny at all" t-shirt that I once got that said, "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" was incorrect. I seriously hate it when my t-shirts lie to me. It's very disrespectful. Anyway, OJ Simpson was just arrested in Las Vegas by Las Vegas police (go figure) for investigation into alleged armed robbery at a hotel in Las Vegas. However, no one is really clear on the charges. I just assumed they're trying to still get him with murder charges, but we'll see.

Technically, do you really need to be "armed" to be OJ Simpson and to rob someone? I'd think that just having OJ break into your place with a bag of feathers and glitter would be horrifying enough. I'd just pretend to already be dead. That, my friends, is why it's always important to carry ketchup packets with you. You never know when you'll need to play a stab victim. You just never know. Words to live by. Do what you will with it.

Who Said That!?!
OJ Simpson Arrested in Vegas, Baby!

Bridget Moynahan Strikes Again. Leave Tom Brady Alone and Stop Trying to Sabotage Our Season!

Bridget Moynahan is relentless. I've been saying that she's been trying to sabotage the Patriots since she got knocked up 10 months ago and by "knocked up" I mean "tricked Tom Brady into getting her pregnant so she could use her kid to F up our Patriots season." Just wanted to be clear on that.

Now Tom Brady wants to ask for some days off throughout the season so he can cart himself allllll the way to LA to see his son John Edward(s) Thomas Moynahan. As a side note, can we throw a few more names in there? Then, Tom Brady turns into a bit of a pussy when he tells People Magazine how he cuddles his son. "I kind of cuddle him like a football." Thank for slowly turning him into your "sister," Bridget. Tom continues, "I'd love to be out there all the time, year round, but it's hard to make that a reality. I live here [Boston] but I'll start lobbying for off days throughout the year."

Great. Thanks again Bridget. I'm calling DSS on your ass. And, yes, I'm blaming you if we don't make it to the SuperBowl this year. No pressure...ruiner.

Who Said That!?!

Bridget Moynahan is a Ruiner

Nobody Puts Justin Bobby in the Corner!

I don't want to sound like I'm overselling or hyping this up to much, but....JUSTIN BOBBY FROM "THE HILLS" IS A LIVING LEGEND, AN INTERNATIONAL ICON, and a NATIONAL TREASURE. That's hard for me to say as, I too, am also all three of these things and seldom like to share the spotlight. I don't understand Justin Bobby for the life of me, but some things in life you aren't supposed to understand. Anyway, Audrina from "The Hills" spoke through her blindingly neon-white teeth to OK! Magazine and told them that the producers of "The Hills" will tell Justin Bobby to kiss her and Justin Bobby will reply with, "You can't tell me what to do because it'll be awkward."

Stop the press. First, Audrina, close your mouth you're blinding the interviewer. Second, is she implying that "The Hills" is not completely reality television? I don't believe it. I won't believe it. I can't believe it. First this and then the next thing you know we'll find out Santa isn't real. I'm just kidding kids, Santa is real. Santa is very real. Sometimes, Santa plays "adult games" with your mother...even when your father isn't around. Wait, where was I. Oh yeah, so here's the rest of what Audrina "the teefs" Partridge had to say "[Justin Bobby] has a hard time being himself. MTV tells him, 'Go kiss her'...and he says, 'You can't tell me what to do because it'll be awkward." You know what's really awkward? Audrina's teeth, upper lip, and this interview. Also, the fact that they switched "Becky's" on Roseanne was really awkward, but that's a whole different story.

As far as JustinBobby.com goes, my website people have declared Jihad on me and I can't seem to post anything over there for now. As soon as the dust settles I'll be posting all "The Hills" related crap over there so stop yelling at me!

Don't support Global Warming. Go Green. Go JustinBobby.com.

Who Said That!?!
Nobody Puts Justin Bobby in the Corner!
Justin Bobby

Getting to Know YOU!

Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU! Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingBack. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the past week and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.

• "Family Ties" rumors (yeah, those rumors ended in 1987)


• Bin Laden is a dirt bag whose mother is a whore (is President Bush using Google again?)


• Celebrity embarrassing fart moments media stories news Oprah (uh, is that a question?)


• Dead woodchuck picture (early warning signs of a serial killer)


• Guess who wet the bed (uh...um...uh....Queen Latifah? No?)


• Rihanna gets a big wedgie (ouch)


• Sandy Duncan rumors (clearly, this search came from Sandy Duncan herself)


• Jenn Bunney nose job (no way, I'd never believe it)


• Lawn sheep (alright! Decorating the trailer park!)


• Beer you are my friend (yes, yes you are)


• Beyonce wants to be Spanish (no me gusta)


• Call Jennifer Lopez (please leave a message after the beep....beep.)


• Dry hump can you get pregnant (how is IBBB the authority on that!?)

Getting to Know YOU!
Getting to Know YOU

...In Other News...

Charlize Theron is ready to take a bite out of crime as she films a scene from her new movie in which she apparently lifts up a truck. Unless she's playing a murdering lesbian, I'm not interested. In other news...

~ Voice Activated Ice Cream? Sold! ~ AgentBedHead
~ An Olsen. A Magazine. A Dream. ~ CelebritySmack
~ PopBytes Turns 4! ~ PopBytes
~ Hayden Penettiere is Back on the Market ~ FatBack
~ Stewart Townsend Has a Fake Wife ~ EvilBeet
~ Foxy Brown Isn't With Child ~ POTP
~ Is Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx With Child? ~ NinjaDude
~ Ho Ho Ho, Blond Giant! ~ DListed
~ Mariah's Leg. Discuss. ~ Yeeeah
~ Alyssa Milano's New Name is Earl ~ AllieIsWired
~ How Much Did Demi Spend on Plastic Surgery? ~ MollyGood

Celebrity Gossip

Newport Harbor: The Prom. Yeah!

It's another craptastic episode of "Newport Harbor: Laguna Beach 4 - Return to The Hills 3." This is a very special episode because not only do we get to fully experience 3 generations of Steve Sanders (Steve Sanders Jr., Steve Sanders, and Steve Sanders), but it's also the Prom episode where everyone will sneak attack their perspective dates like kamikaze pilots and ask them to "Prom." Why they don't put "the" before "prom" is beyond me. Anyway, here's how this crap went down:

• Steve Sanders Jr and Allie exchange "guess who will go to the prom with who" games. I secretly hope a tsunami appears out of nowhere and puts these two out of their misery.


• Prom Attack # 1 - Steve Sanders Jr. asks Sasha to go to the prom by making a ghetto poster that says, "Prom with G." Sasha is shocked by this (as if she didn't season any of the Laguna Beach episodes) and asks if he really thought of this himself. Really, was she impressed by this? Yes, he spent all day thinking up the most creative plan of standing out of his sunroof and holding up a poster. Pure brilliance. I now wish the tsunami would come after me.


• Prom Attack # 2 - Allie is at dinner with her douche bag dad and Chase sneak attacks her with a red carnation ans asks her to "Prom." She looks so shocked. Maybe she didn't get a copy of the script?


• Prom Attack # 3 - Clay and Chrissy go out on the boat into Newport Harbor. There's a big banner hanging off the bridge that says "Chrissy, Prom?" I now wish that the bridge would collapse on them. I mean it happened in Minnesota, so I figured there was a chance?


• As a side note, I would like to change the name of this show from Newport Harbor to "Douche Bag Creek." Who's with me?


• Allie wins the award for asking Chase literally 2,000 questions. No joke she was like The Riddler. She's the worst. This show is the worst. This makes me the worst. "Douche Bag Creek" - 1, IBBB - 0.


• So what's up with Chrissy's mom? Is she like a crazy MILF? She seems more crazy than MILF-y.


• Is Allie wearing her bathrobe to the prom? I'm confused.


• Alright! Here's the seasons first, "Can you believe this is our last prom" comment. I feel like we're only minutes away from a drunken limo ride home that ends in tears.


• I'm shocked that Steve Sanders Jr isn't wearing a top hat and sporting a cane. I would have bet my entire bank account ($13.75) that he was going to be "that kid."


• Scratch my previous comment. Allie is wearing the silky bathrobe that Peg Bundy used to wear in "Married with Children."


• Awesome! And cue the limo scene where everyone just screams "woooo!" Wooooo! Owww! Yeah! Prom!


• Seriously I love this shit. And cue the scene (that they used in Laguna Beach) where they use actual ghetto video camera footage. They did the SAME thing in the 90210 prom where Brenda really "got down." I believe moments after that Brenda became a woman.


• Everyone just continues to yell "Woooo!" and "Owwwww!"


• Even better. The after-party. People aren't drinking out of keg cups, but "office coffee cups" instead.


• At one point Steve Sanders Jr is on a exercise bike and falls off. I love underage drinking.


• Ok, it's official. I lapsed into another coma. Feel free to fill me in and share you favorite moments of the last 5 minutes of the episode.
  
  Newport Harbor: The Prom. Yeah!

Britney Scheduled to Be Killed

Oh those zany and wacky terrorists are at it again! This time around, the Muslim terrorists are allegedly completely pissed off at Britney Spears, as they should be. These cute little terrorists want to convert Britney Spears to Islam and warned that if Britney resisted then her head would be cut off. Ouch!

Muhammad Abdel-Al (not to be confused with Paula Abdul - she's a different terrorist), has said, "If I meet these whores I will have the honor - I repeat, I will have the honor - to be the first one to cut the heads off of Madonna and Britney Spears if they keep spreading their satanic culture against Islam. If these two prostitutes keep doing what they're doing we of course will punish them...a prostitute woman must be stoned or must be eighty times hit with a belt."

Holy Durka Durka! Where do I even begin? I mean, this guy is brilliant and, personally, I feel should get his own show. He reminds me of Baghdad Bob. Look, I didn't like Britney's VMA performance either, but she doesn't deserve her head cut off. And, you can't really punish her by getting her stoned because, well, she typically seems stoned half the day anyway. Hit 80 times with a belt? Please. Don't tempt her with a good time! You call her a prostitute? Now is this based on fact? Because if it is I would consider pooling some money together in order to test drive this whore, er, "prostitute" as you say.

My advice to Britney? Run. Or, walk quickly...but not around a pool. That's dangerous and you could really hurt yourself.

Who Said This!?!
Britney Scheduled to Be Killed

Alert! Naked Olsen Sluts on the Loose!

Ever wanted to see Michelle Tanner naked? If you answered "yes" you're a sick pervert pedophile. However, if you want to see one of the Olsen Sluts running around naked then you may be in luck if you get invited to their house (just don't eat the brownies). Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen has told Harper's Bazaar that she loves to run around her house naked with high heels on and she does it all the time. Naked Olsen's sprinting in heels? There's a thought. I bet if you stand outside of her house you can only see the top of her head going by the window. Sometimes this Olsen in question really spices things up and runs around naked with jewelry and/or a kimono. Xi Dong Dung!

Good for her. No word yet on why the excess supply of peanut butter and why Comet is always running around the house behind this Olsen.

Alert! Naked Olsen Sluts on the Loose!

When Email Attacks

Ah good times! I love when I get random emails from random people. Above is an email that I just got. I took out the name and company name to protect the retarded. You may have to click on the picture to really read it. Don't blame me, I'm not good with the Interwebs. Anyway, my favorite line has to be, "....and since your site has a lot of content on Horses topics, I thought you would find this interesting."

I may have referenced a horse or two in my Harriet Carter posts, but I don't know if that actually makes me an expert on "Horses Topics." By the way, what in the hell is "Horses Topics?" You know what, maybe I am an expert on Horses Topics. Forget the celebrity recaps. Forget the pop culture palooza. I'm going "Horses Topics" all the way! ImBringingHorsesTopicsBack!

When Email Attacks

...In Other News...

Jodie Sweetin/Stephanie Tanner is reportedly "with child." TMZ.com received a copy of the sonogram that was officially sent my Jodie herself (because that makes sense). I hope somebody sits down with Michelle Tanner to let her know that even though there's going to be a new baby in the house, she is still our little munchkin and she has such a "special job" coming up by being a big sister. Hopefully she doesn't get too jealous. In other news...

~ Madonna Buys Some Party Favors ~ AgentBedHead
~ Fergie Hearts Britney and Lindsay ~ CelebritySmack
~ Sara Evans Freaks It Up ~ FatBack
~ Britney Shows a Little...Again, Again. ~ NinjaDude
~ Jennifer Hudson Gets More Movie Work ~ POTP
~ Jessica Simpson Tries Different Ways to Sell Albums ~ Yeeeah

Harriet Carter's Tackle Box

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! This week Senorita Skank, Harriet Carter, is selling us crap that will keep us warm, keep us in a loveless marriage, keep us guessing the meaning, and keep us reusing an old newspaper. Don't be confused, it's crap! Let's go....

Product # 1 - Brrrr it's cold and you need to look like an asshole, but how can you accomplish this task? Well luckily Harriet is keeping you warm with a helmet hat or a "helha" as I like to call it. Let's take a quick look at the dramatics of the before and after picture. It is clearly sunny and blue skies in the before picture, but "man in photo" looks very confused, yet concerned. Perhaps a cold front is coming up the coast? Brrr, here comes the cold front and by "cold front" I really mean "change the blue background to a grey background." Viola! Cold! The "man in photo" after looks like he has crazy eyes and is ready to continue his daily tasks of mugging and killing strangers on the street. At least he's warm. Thanks Harriet, I love the "Helha!"

Product # 2 - Are you in a completely loveless marriage? Are you also one of the creepiest couples around? Do you smile when you read? Are you also "living in sin?" Well if you can answer "yes" to at least 2 out of 4 of these questions then you too can experience the Harriet Carter Blinding Bed Reading Light! First off, "Creepy Old Model Man" looks like a pedophile that's looking at kiddie porn. I'm waiting for Chris Hansen to jump out from behind the bed at any minute. And what is that chick smiling at? Who smiles when they read? As a side note, "Creepy Old Model Man" has a wedding ring, but the other random chick is sans wedding ring. Now do we typically hyphenate "skanked-out-home-wrecking-whore?" Just checking.

Product # 3 - Yay! More t-shirts that I don't understand the meaning of! This prized t-shirt says, "I listen to the voices in my tackle box." Awesome. Wait, what? Was does that even mean? I'm assuming it has something to do with fishing, but why does one need a shirt about that? I think this would make waaaay more sense if they got rid of just one word. "Tackle." Then Harriet Carter could market this shirt to strippers and prostitutes. I mean, what stripper and prostitute wouldn't want a t-shirt that says, "I listen to the voices in my box." Make sense? I think so. I may send this suggestion right to Harriet herself.

Product # 4 - Have some extra newspapers around the house? Need to build a walkway? Well now you can with the Harriet Carter Newspaper Brick Maker, because apparently it exists and people need this? What do you do with these bricks? Now me personally, I would use it to build a house for the homeless because I'm a giver and am selfless. I mean sure when it rains the house will get soggy and the ink will run all over the said homeless person, but at least they could have a nice newsworthy house for at least 3-5 days (1-2 days in the month of April). Seriously, I think if me and Harriet combined minds we could win a Nobel Prize.

Harriet Carter's Tackle Box
Harriet Carter

Katie Holmes F's Up Fans Photo

Katie Holmes was nice enough to take a picture for a fan while she was in Paris, but she really f'd it up. Hey Katie, why not have one of the 6.5 million people on the streets of Paris take the photo for you. The poor guy wanted his picture take with you in it. He doesn't need you to just take a picture of "just him." Nice try. However, I will give you bonus points for that steller "photo-taking-technique." I mean look at how inventive you are by using your free hand to keep your "picture taking arm" steady. Brilliant. You're like a human tripod. And by that I mean you probably have a penis.

Who Shot That!?!
Katie Holmes F's Up Fans Photo

Nigel Barker Does Not Want Tyra Banks in a Headlock

Yeah that's right. A-list. Ok fine, P-list. Anyway, IBBB was invited to the GQ Fashion Show and after-party at the Gansevoort Hotel in New York on Monday night. The GQ show was being hosted by Nigel Barker from America's Next Top Model. Normally I wouldn't care less, but now was my chance to achieve one of my life's goals (as you know): Getting a picture with Tyra Banks in a headlock. Yes, one may dream. Sadly though Tyra wasn't there, but that didn't stop me from telling Nigel Barker about my dream. In more unfortunate news, Nigel did not think that was funny and to loosely quote him, "Huh? That isn't funny." Fine. One person nearby who did overhear that comment did laugh so it was a real win-win night for me.

Other celebrity (yes singular) that was spotted at the fiesta was Sean-William-Scott (Stiffler from American Pie). There could have been other celebrities there, but I wasn't focusing on them. I was focusing on hunting down both Tyra Banks and The Olsen Sluts. They can run, but they can't hide. Fine, they can hide.

Nigel Barker Does Not Want Tyra Banks in a Headlock

The Hills: Lauren's Random Date, Audrina's Teeth, Justin Bobby Returns, and Heidi Gets a Promotion

Fine, so this recap is late. Sue me. The Hills episode "Second Chances" really delivered this week and by "delivered" I mean "made me lapse into a pleasant and restful coma." Here's how I lost more braincells:

• I love seeing Audrina and Lauren working out at Equinox gym. What the hell are they doing? Why are they lifting one 3 pound weight in the air?


• Is Lauren's personal trainer retarded? Just checking.


• Jason called Lauren.....only because the script told him to.


• I have a question. Why does Heidi want to get a promotion at "work" when she makes $25,000 an episode on The Hills? I mean, at that point do you really need the promotion? As a side note, why does Heidi dress like a newscaster at work? This still puzzles me.


• How much time does Steve Sanders spend on his "Apple" laptop and his "Apple iPhone" and his "Apple iPod?" Yeah we get it. Apple has given you a crap load of money to use their products.


• Yeah! It's date night! Lauren's date "Derek" and the other dude are both equally mentally challenged. They are talking about mullets before Lauren and Audrina show up. Ok fine, that was cool.


• "Derek" spends 20 minutes talking about his 40 cent t-shirts. This kid can't get worse.


• Ok, he can. "Derek" then tells Lauren at Le Deaux that he likes her more than any girl he's known and then he said he murdered some people. Hey MTV, can we grab a quick background check? Thanks.


• What are Whitney's actual responsibilities. I want to see her job description. Wait, what is Lauren's job responsibilities? She is just taking clothes off of a rack and placing them elsewhere on the rack. Where can I get a job like this?


• Again, why does Heidi want this job? It must pay minimum wage and she makes $25,000 an episode. She's getting close to "Friends" money.


• Lo's new nose has arrived. Why is Lo the only one who brings up Justin Bobby?


• Congrats. Heidi got the promotion. Elodie is going to have to move out of her apartment and live in a dumpster. She can share the space with Steve Sanders. It's great the Heidi can elevate her "douche bag" status on an episode by episode basis.


• Lauren meets up with Jason for "scripted coffee" and it makes me miss Cami from Laguna Beach. Is that a normal reaction?
  

The Hills
Justin Bobby

...In Other News..

Absolutely no comment needed. In other news...

~ Sarah Silverman's Jokes About Britney ~ AgentBedHead

~ Kanye West Won the "Sore Loser" Award, No? ~ CelebritySmack

~ Paris Congratulated Christina, Stupidly ~ DListed

~ Is Sweeney Todd Edward Scissorhands? ~ PopBytes

~ Tommy Lee and Kid Rock Bitch Fight ~ EvilBeet

~ Foxy Brown to Do the Prison Shuffle ~ MollyGood

~ More Britney Thoughts ~ NinjaDude

~ Paris and 50 ~ POTP

~ Jennifer Lopez Channels "The Ropers." Brilliant! ~ DirtyDisher

~ Katharine McPhree and LockJaw Willis Eat on the Street ~ Allie



Celebrity Gossip

Britney Spears: VMAs Performance: Gimme More....Boniva

Uh, now does Britney know that we know that she doesn't sing live? She may know some of us know, but does she know we all know? All of us. Everyone. Even Helen Keller can see and hear this fraud-show coming from a mile away. Anyway, Britney opened up the VMAs with a lifeless performance of her new song "Gimme More." She should change the song to "Gimme More Boniva" because Britney was moving like a 75 year old woman with osteoporosis. Seriously she was barely moving and didn't even look like she cared she was there. Look, I'm not saying she needs to get herself down to Olsen weight, but I am saying that if she is going to wear Paula Abdul's old "Vibeology" costume from the 1991 Grammy's then I really think she should lose a couple more pounds.

As a side note, my favorite part of the whole performance was when they cut to shot of Rihanna and Venus Williams (or Serena) having a full on conversation paying no attention to Britney singing. Brilliant.

Britney Spears: Gimme More...Boniva

Oh Yeah, Lindsay Lohan is Still Alive

I almost completely forgot that Lindsay Lohan was actually still alive until I saw these pictures. Then I was like, oh yeah she is. I should post these. That was my thought process. Anyway, Lindsay was allowed into Utah society (i.e the rehab parking lot) for a quick smoke and coffee break, but then it was right back to being handcuffed to her bed and forcing her to watch clips from Hilary Duff movies. Once Lindsay can make it through an entire Hilary Duff clip without begging for coke and/or vodka she is deemed officially cured and can be released. At least I think that's how her rehab works. Lindsay was rocking her Top Gun t-shirt and apparently the air in Utah is a little chilly (side note, 6 more weeks of autumn). As you can see in the second photo, while Lindsay's spirits are said to be "high" she barely has enough energy to give her trademark "peace" sign. Stay strong, Lindsay, stay strong. America (just North America, not South America) is praying for you.

Oh Yeah, Lindsay Lohan is Still Alive

Nelly Furtado Sells Out and It Works!

Since year 2 of IBBB is all about selling out, I fully support others who like to embrace the spirit of selling out, i.e. Nelly Furtado. Nelly dragged her ass to the pre-VMA party at the Mirage hotel in Vegas the other day and surprised everyone with her new blond hair and eyebrows. While many people are up in arms about this change I say "good for her" in quotes. When push comes to shove I think everyone should go blond. Hopefully the next step will be for Nelly Furtado to change her name to Nelly Smith or Nelly O'Brien. I'm looking for something extra generic. First thing starts with the blond hair and a few steps forward we can all hope to see Nelly Furtado's "gentleman greeter" stepping out of a limo. Perhaps rehab after that? One can only hope. Life isn't as fun when there's not a train wreck to watch. Fingers (and eyes) crossed...but not for too long. You can go blind from that I think. I don't know. Someone try it out and tell me what happens.

Nelly Furtado Sells Out and It Works!

Vanessa Hudgens Does "The Naked" for Drake Bell

When nakedy-nakederson pictures appeared out of nowhere of Vanessa Hudgens people immediately wondered who she was sending them to. Could she have taken them for Walt Disney himself? The ghost of Anna Nicole? Jesus? Nope. Allegedly she took them and sent them to Drake Bell who was in the show "Drake and Josh." Drake is claiming that he never received the photo in question. So uh...er...Vanessa is 18 yrs old now. This means that she was under 18 when the picture was taken. Underage whore.

Vanessa has issued an apology stating that she is sorry for the pictures. Drake hasn't officially issued a statement, but I'm sure he's sorry he never received them.

Vanessa Hudgens Does "The Naked"

...In Other News...

Enjoy the new promo from Tyra for the new season of America's Next Top Model. Tyra looks bery natural. There is no doubt in my mind that this picture will be plastered all over the house that the models live in this season. Tyra. In other news...

~ Ashlee Simpson Looks Lifelike ~ CelebritySmack
~ Kate Moss Shows Teeth ~ AgentBedHead
~ J Wahl Defends Lauren's Honor ~ EvilBeet
~ Does Money Make Angelina and Bradelina Happy? ~ PopBytes
~ Usher's Wedding Album ~ POTP
~ Aubrey Day of Danity Kane is Officially Orange ~ DListed
~ Saint Jennifer Lopez Continues to Make Videos for Some Reason ~ NinjaDude

Celebrity Gossip

Wait, Nicole Richie Has a Sister?

Wait, Nicole Richie has a sister? Did we know this? Is this a own fact? Am I the last to have known this? Nicole and her sister, Sophia Richie, spent a little quality time together in Hollywood the other day doing things that sisters typically do such as being followed around by the paparazzi and being famous for nothing. I'm not so convinced that it's her sister as much as it is Bindi Irwin with some dreadlocks. That little bitch Bindi is relentless. There's nothing she won't do for a little extra camera time.

Wait, Nicole Richie Has a Sister?

Jodie Foster is Looking For Dina Lohan

Uh oh! Grab your Misty 120's, bottle of self-tanner, bottle of pills, and bottle of cheap vodka and make a run for it, Dina, because Jodi Foster is looking for your ass! And my money is on Jodi! Jodi Foster was recently interviewed by Gotham Magazine and when asked about teen stars and Lindsay No Pants, Jodi responded by saying, "Can I just ask, where is her mother? I mean really, where is her mother?"

Ok ok Jodi we get it, God! Stop yelling at us! You're looking for Dina. So am I, but for different reasons. And don't say, "can I ask" and then just ask anyway without permission. Rude. Jodi continued on by saying, "When I was their age there were no big 18 year old stars...Now, we want the 17 year olds so we can bleed them for all they're worth and squeeze as much money as we possibly can out of them and then their career will be over in something like three years."


Um, don't be jealous Jodi just because no one wanted to snap pictures of your "gentleman greeter" when you got out of a limo when you were 18.

Who Said That?!

Jodie Foster is Looking For Dina Lohan

Jenna Fisher and Her Husband Split Up, But Keep Their Myspace Page and Myspace Fans Their #1 Priority

Jenna Fischer, or Pam from The Office, and her husband James Gunn, or Random McRandomerson, have decided to split up. I bet Jim Halpert has something to do with this. While this is sad, I guess, I find it hilarious that they have also issued a statement through their Myspace page to instruct their Myspace fans on how to react to this situation. And I quote,

"You might be tempted to make one of us 'feel better' by putting the other one
down in a post. Please don't – we still have the utmost respect for one another,
and we'd have to delete you."

Awesome! When my marriage hits the skids I'm going to definitely make an announcement on Myspace! Seriously, what?

Jenna Fischer and Her Husband Split Up

Newport Harbor: The Lame BBQ

It's amazing how horrific this season is and I don't mean horrific like, "it's actually pretty good and a train wreck and I need to see it." I actually mean horrific. This crew of crackheads are so boring. Who found these people? Maybe they should have tried another beach. Is there a beach in Compton? Anyway, here's how the episode, "Sealed with a Kiss" went down:

• Chrissy runs like a retard. Seriously during the high-pitched conversation between Chrissy and Sasha I feel like only dogs can hear them at this point.
• How can a camera crew fit on the boat when Clay is wakeboarding?
• Why does Allie's brother care about what goes on with Clay and Chrissy? He actually looks interested and not just because the script told him.
• How come every time one of the girls calls a guy they sit on their bed lying on their stomach with their legs bent in the air and their feet crossed? No joke, it's like that in every crapisode. Who does that?
• Sweet, Clay and Allie go on a "date" at apparently the only place to go in Newport Harbor: Miniature Golf. I know Newport Harbor is supposed to be really nice, but I'm not impressed. It doesn't look like a beach town at all like in Laguna Beach.
• It's now time for my obligatory "I miss Cami" statement. I miss Cami.
• When we make it to the first commercial break, I pray that there are only 5 minutes left of the show. I tear up a bit when I realize there are at least 20 minutes left.
• What the hell is up with the "Hamtpon High Revealed" commercials? Why do I need to vote for what happens next? I'm confused. What are they selling?
• Awesome! Hot Allie and hot Samantha laying out on a boat. That was sarcasm. I may have lapsed into a coma.
• Ok let's cue the BBQ. They all give each other awkward hugs when they arrive. Chrissy's parents aren't home for the night which means she can really whore it up.
• Seriously Grant really is Steve Sanders Jr (aka Spencer Pratt). I'm convinced there is some time of relation there.
• Realizing how bored I am during the conversation between Clay and Chrissy, do you think they're bored even talking about out? You are no LC and Jason, my friends. Not at all.
• Damn the mini golf again! Why does Chrissy have this in her backyard?
• Clay and Chrissy go on a dumb dinner date and end the night with a kiss that I'd bet my bank account that the MTV crew made them do. They probably took 6 takes of it too. Perverts.

I'm not kidding, this episode was painful. This season is painful. Although they hooked me for next week because now I need to see how these tools ask their dates to the prom. That's always a big f'n production.

Newport Harbor: The Lame BBQ

...In Other News...

Beyonce lets paparazzi know that she hasn't had a stroke even though her shorts are up to her neck. Yes shorts. These aren't for everyone Beyonce. I'd go with JayZ's style of shorts next time. It's more flattering. Just kidding, fat ass. In other news...

~ Jessica Biel's Latex Arse ~ FatBack
~ Ryan Seacrest is Ready for The Emmy's and 15 Other Jobs ~ PopBytes
~ Maggie Gyllenhaal Just Made Me Throw Up in My Mouth a Little ~ Yeeeah
~ Kim Kardashian Just Says No to Pee ~ DListed
~ Paris Still Forgets to Close the Legs ~ DSF
~ Jerry Lewis Apologizes For Being Old and Ignorant ~ CelebritySmack
~ What a Psychic Claims About Princess Diana ~ AgentBedHead
~ When Brad Pitt Fans Attack ~ NinjaDude
~ Kelly Clarkson Tries the Tour Thing Again ~ POTP
~ Keira Knightley's Toga Party ~ EvilBeet
~ Matt Dillon's New Nose of Yesteryear ~ CityRag
~ Nicole Kidman is a Blabber Mouth ~ AlliedIsWired
~ Funniest Site on Earth: It's a Trick ~ IBBB
~ Justin Bobby

New Harriet Carter Crap, Yay!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday or as they've been calling it in China, "I'll Hump You on Harriet Carter Wednesday!" I think that's what the translation means. Anyway, I'm always happy when Harriet adds some new product crap to her catalog. I knew I was in trouble a few weeks ago when I decided to review the "People's Choice Award" that Jesus won. But now Harriet has us covered with a fun book about war, what I can only assume is "Failure Model Chick's" mother, and fun pillows with inspirational sayings. Let's go...or as they say in China...Ming Dung! (no clue)

Product # 1 - Who doesn't need an entire book dedicated to "War Slang." I'm sure there's been millions of times when you've been wondering just what the soldiers are talking about as they're playfully ducking bombs and sidestepping land mines. Well wonder no longer friends because now Harriet has captured all of this "war slang" and is now selling helping to decode it. Apparently Harriet has been spending time fighting for our country and/or delivering Harriet Carter catalogs to Bin Laden! Anyway, who can forgot some classic war slang such as:

• Holy sh!t there's a bomb in my bed!


• Son-of-a-b!tch here come the Nazi's!


• Mother F**ker there's another bomb in my bed!


• Ouch, that $#%$# just shot me in the $%#$@ foot!


• I've been looking for weapons of mother f%#%$ mass destruction and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!


• Hey F**k face that's MY camel that you just tossed a grenade at!

And let's not forget everyone's favorite "war slang"

• Hey President Bush, if you wanted this war so much why don't you get your mother $#%$@ lazy stupid #$#*^ unintelligent f%#^$@ hillbilly @SS over here and $%$# fight this war yourself you son-of-a-b$#ching mother $#&* jackass!

I would recommend reading this one to your kids at bedtime. Goodnight!

Product # 2 - No joke, this might actually be "Failure Model Chicks" mother modeling this cat t-shirt. If so, this lady's new nickname shall be "Madre de Failure Model Chica." What a wonderful shirt and look how happy "Madre de Failure Model Chica" is to model it. It says, "Cats are Proof that God Loves Us and Wants Us to Be Happy!" Yeah, no it actually doesn't. The t-shirt should say something catchy like this: "Cats are Proof that God Has Pitty For You Because You Are All Alone and Is Hoping That You Get So Desperate That You Actually Start Thinking The Cats Are Talking to You. In Fact, God Thinks It's Funny That You Have So Many Cats That He Has Instructed Harriet Carter to Create and Sell a T-Shirt That Will Force People To Make Fun of You on a Daily Basis." That all rhymed, right? As a side note, cats are also proof that the hair that was in the brownies you made and brought to work from someones surprise baby shower actually was not your hair, but your cats filthy lice infested hair that accidentally got into the bowl when you allowed "Whiskers" to lick the egg beater.

Product # 3 - Awesome! New pillows with confusing sayings! This prized pillow says, "Family is a Gift that God Gives You, Then Laughs." Awwww that's sweet. Wait, what? Hey Harriet why don't bring those pillows to the childrens cancer unit at the local hospital and pass them out to their parents. I'm sure they'll simply be laughing for hours! Ok was that crossing the line? I kinda thought it was, but it wasn't like I was making fun of the kids, just the pillow. By the way, that last sentence appears on the back of the pillow.

Product # 4 - This pillow is actually this weeks "bonus product." It says, "My Hero Wears Combat Boots." I chose this product because I know that without a shadow of a doubt as my sister reads this she is 100% absolutely thinking, "Your Mother Wears Combat Boots." That's right people I went with a personal product this time. It can't all be about you. Sometimes I need a little Harriet for myself! Anyway, I'm going to start selling a pillow that says, "My Hero Sells Crap in a Catalog to White Trash Middle America." I'll sell tens of them!

New Harriet Carter Crap, Yay!

Harriet Carter

Eva Longoria's Best Smile Yet!

This is Eva Longoria's best smile yet and by "smile" I actually mean "ass shot." I make that mistake all the time. Maybe it's because Eva's ass makes me smile. I actually don't have any Eva Longoria news to talk about. Just these pictures should be enough. I say the skinnier the better. I won't be happy until she's a walking skeleton. That way I can take her out with me for Halloween and by Halloween I actually mean....Halloween. Sorry couldn't think of anything.

The pictures were allegedly taken of Eva on the beach while she was vacationing in Spain. I say "allegedly" because I don't want Spain to sue me if it's not true. That's how that works, right?

Eva Longoria's Best Smile Yet!

Justin Bobby: Justin Brescia? Male Model?

Da-da-duuuuuun! The mystery of Justin Bobby from "The Hills" has finally be solved. I've received a crap load of emails asking me to find out who, in fact, Justin Bobby was, what is Justin Bobby's last name, what Justin Bobby does for work, and is Justin Bobby really a male model? I didn't answer any of those emails. Frankly because I was too tired to figure it out, but then I did some major top notch detective work and unveiled the mystery behind Justin Bobby. Oh, and by "major detective work" I really mean I saw this info on another website so I figured I would share for all the Justin Bobby fanatics out there, or shall I say Justin Brescia fanatics. Yes, that is Justin Bobby's real name, or last name at least. And "yes" he is in fact a male model.

Justin Bobby is shown above in an older version of Italian Vogue in which the photo shoot was supposed to show what happens to models who enter rehab. Somehow a tribute to the Britney/Lindsay/Paris crotch shots were added to this shoot. Good for them. Seriously, Justin Bobby should just run with this "Justin Bobby" schtick. It's gotta be a goldmine. I may change the name of this blog to ImBringingBloggingBobbyBack. I really felt like it need some more "B's" in it.

Thanks to some random at Oh No They Didn't for discovering this information. America (and parts of Canada and Eurasia) will be able to sleep better now.

Justin Bobby: Justin Brescia? Male Model?
Justin Bobby from The Hills

I Said Halle Berry Was Pregant 1 Year Ago!

Seriously I said that Halle Berry was pregnant over 1 year ago and see I was right! I mean that would technically make Halle Berry 15 months pregnant, but I still feel like I was right. Halle was chatting it up with Access Hollywood when she did confirm that she was knocked the hell up with potentially the cutest bastard child this side of the Mississippi. Halle told Access Hollywood,

"Yes, I am 3-months pregnant. Gabriel and I are beyond excited, and I've waited a long time for this moment in life. Now the next 7-months will be the longest of my life."

Halle continued on by thanking Dorothy Dandridge and sobbing uncontrollably. Ok she didn't, but that would have been more entertaining.

Celebrity Gossip

Halle Berry

Other Knocked Up Celebrities

...In Other News...

She'll give you the red light special all through the night. Britney is looking like hot sex as she drives to her dance studio in Hollywood. Oh, and by "hot sex" I mean "a prostitute who just cut her rates in half because the summer didn't pay off quite like she thought it would." In other news...

~ Owen Wilson Let Back Into Society ~ CelebritySmack
~ Amy Winehouse Invited to Snoop's ~ AgentBedHead
~ Rihanna's Boobs Want to Escape ~ DSF
~ Christina Ricci Rocks the Bowl-Cut ~ Yeeeah
~ Michelle Williams Not Ready to Be Back on the Market ~ DListed
~ Gisele, Not the Smartest Gift Giver ~ POTP
~ Ellen and Hillary: Same Person ~ EvilBeet
~ Beyonce Declared Jihad on the Staple Center ~ PopBytes
~ Mick Jagger's Granddaughter Likes Marijuana Cigarettes ~ NinjaDude
~ Bill Murray is 152 ~ MollyGood

The Hills: Jen Bunney: The Nose Job

Poor Whitney. She's been basically MIA all season. Is it because she isn't quite as douchey as the other girls? Is it because she is a high-powered intern manager now at Teen Vogue? One may never truly know. Here's how the latest episode, "Rolling With the Hills" went down:

• Ok no joke, in the opening scene with Lauren and Audrina I honestly have no idea what they are talking about. Something about Justin Bobby, something about Steve Sanders, and perhaps the war in Iraq.
• Alright! Heidi is filming a scene back at her office, Bolthouse! Is it normal that at their company meeting Heidi's boss, Brent Bolthouse, asks her if Lauren and Brody are going out again? Is that really something would be on the meeting agenda? Also, why is Heidi dressed like she's a newscaster for the 5:00 news?
• Can Audrina please stop talking about her helmet that was left at Brody's BBQ? I feel like Audrina's helmet is the 3rd roommate. Ok, the fourth. Her teeth are the 3rd.
• Is Steve Sanders growing a white beard? A few more weeks and he'll actually have Santa's beard. Actually that will be perfect for the Christmas episode and it'll make more sense once I start calling him "Sanders Claus." Brilliant.
• Oh. Time to go to apparently the only bar/club in LA: Les Deux.
• AWESOME! Lauren's friend, Ryan, is there. No clue who this dude is, but the fact that he literally has the same hairdo as Sideshow Bob makes me like him already.
• Lauren seems shocked that she saw two girls making out in the bathroom. Isn't Heidi and Steve Sanders making out technically "two girls making out?" Oh! Stop me if you heard this! Try the veal! Tip your waitress.
• I'm glad Lo is back from the dead. Although I'm a little pissed that she isn't in the opening credits. I mean, she's basically been in every episode this season. And, I'm glad that we live in a world where to people like Whitney and Lo can coexist.
• YEAH! Whitney is back and she and Lauren are actually doing "work." Whitney and Lauren stay real busy by having a full on conversation about what they would do if their names were Tiffany and Crystal. They even change their voices to act like Tiff and Crystal. Do they get paid to work? Just checking.
• Audrina is getting ready to go to dinner with Justin Bobby. What is that tattoo on her neck? Is it of her teeth?
• Sweet. Justin Bobby's car is a throw back to the 60's. That's perfect for his laid back persona. These two star-crossed lovers have a little dinner at Toi. Does Justin Bobby do drugs? My favorite part is when he tells Audrina he doesn't like to put "statements" on things like their relationship. Doesn't he mean "labels." Come on, think Justin Bobby, think!
• Justin Bobby continues to ramble about society and their friends putting pressure on their relationship. Yeah, it might just be their friends putting pressure on their relationship. I think society is too busy trying to figure out who Justin Bobby is and what Justin Bobby does for a living more than if he and Audrina are officially girlfriend and boyfriend.
• Uh-oh the girls are fighting. Steve Sanders and Brody are bitch-fighting over the phone. Steve Sanders tells Brody he has no loyalty because he hangs out with Lauren. At one point Steve Sanders says that Brody is his enemy and then hangs up on him. Can you be in your twenties and technically call someone your enemy? Arch Nemesis maybe, but "enemy" not so much.
• Please enter my favorite scene so far this entire season: Jen Bunney's nose job.
• Heidi and Jen Bunney have a little breakfast in LA and something is very different. Jen Bunney's nose is almost completely gone. No joke it's like they cast a completely different Jen Bunney. Basically it's like that time that Bewitched cast a different "Darren" or Roseanne cast a different "Becky."
• Jen Bunney looks waaaaaay better with less nose. Good for her. The only thing is that her voice sounds a little different, almost like she has a cold. Hopefully she does have a cold or that would suck. I mean it would all be worth it, but still kind of suck.
• As a sidenote, are they eating literally in the middle of a major intersection?
• Their conversation, of course, is about whether or not Heidi and Lauren will be friends again. Blah blah blah.

We are halfway through the season and still no Lisa Loveless. What a waste. Anyway, I'm not really sure what this episode was about. Until next week....

The Hills: Jen Bunney: The Nose Job
Justin Bobby The Hills Recap.

I Smell Olsen Lung Cancer

What's that smell you ask? Why it's just one of the Olsen's new signature perfumes called "Rotten Lung Cancer: For Tweens!" Mmmmm smells nice. Very "woodsie." I feel like I'm camping. Ok, so are they kidding me with this? Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen was clearly ready for battle in Venice, CA over the weekend and couldn't get enough cigarettes. Luckily the tree of a woman behind her is happily ready to place a second cigarette in the mouth of the minuscule Olsen. Seriously how short are the Olsen's? I added a ruler to the first picture to try and figure it out, but it wasn't drawn to scale, so we're out of luck. The Marlboro's are a nice and feminine touch. They really make her smell like a delicate flower. Seriously if I had the money that they had I would not do anything that would increase the chances of me dying early. That includes running near the pool area. I'd want to be around for 200 years so I could spend that money.

I Smell Olsen Lung Cancer

Mariah Carey's Boobs Go To a Party

Diddy was throwing a party and Mariah and her boobs were all invited! What a treat! Diddy was having his "The Real White Party" in the Hampton's. Thanks for inviting me, Diddy. Nothing brings back "equality for all" quite like a "Real White Party." Rumor has it the Laurie Ann Gibson was passing out white pointy hats at the door. Oh, and don't even try to pass off any other color for white. Nope. Not off-white. Not eggshell. Not khaki. Not cream. Not even whipped cream. Diddy literally won't let you in. Other random party goers included Lil Kim (and her eyebrows), Christie Brinkley (because that makes sense), Ryan Seacrest (because he was probably working the party), Star Jones (no comment needed), and Lorraine Bracco (because 75 is the new 72). So to sum up, everything was white. Somewhere that day executives at NBC were smiling.

Who Said White!?
Mariah Carey's Boobs Go To a Party

Heidi Montag Lives in an Alley

Breaking Heidi Montard news: Heidi drinks root beer and, even with money, still dresses like white-trash. Perhaps this is the what the homeless wear in the alley? I'm just going to assume that the Styrofoam container on the ground in the background is for Spencer/Steve Sanders. Sorry, I had to write "Spencer." I've gotten ridiculous emails letting me know that I call him "Steve Sanders" but his name is really "Spencer Pratt." Yeah, thanks for the "red alert" retards. Steve Sanders is the joke that I've beaten into this blog over and over again way back in season 2. Anyway, Heidi Montard belongs in the alley that she paid the paparazzi to follow her through.

Side note: That may not be a Styrofoam container in the background. That could actually be Audrina smiling while laying on the ground. It's a tough call.

Heidi Montag Lives in an Alley
Justin Bobby: The Hills