Friday, November 30, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
- Ding-a-ding-ding.....ding-ding-ding!!!!!!!!!!! The girls are in China. I hope nobody gets a Shanghai Surprise. Whatever that is.
- The girls have "go sees" this week. They hop into cabs, along with another passenger who is speaking all kinds of Chinese. I hope these translators don't give the girls the old moo-goo-gai-pan.
- Heather says she can't understand the map because it's all in Chinese. "It's all Greek to me" she says. Ummmm, yeah. Or it's all CHINESE genius.
- Only Bianca and Saleisha make it back to the agency in time. Jenah and Chantal are late and Heather can't even find her cabbie-san. All three are disqualified.
- Bianca wins the challenge and appears in the ad campaign for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. Her picture is displayed on a boat in the harbor. The girls squeal with delight.
- I am SO annoyed with Jaslene and her "Thees iz ma life az a cow-ver garl"commercials.
- It's photo shoot time. This week the girls have to stand out in a crowd. The "crowd" consists of dudes waving Chinese dragons on sticks. The dragon wavers look like this is the last place they want to be. Scorpion bowls anyone?
- Jenah is a witch.
- Miss J's hair should be illegal.
- Tyra is Dim Sum. What?
- Jenah and Heather are in the bottom two. Who is NOT going to Beijing?
- Heather is eliminated. She looks shocked.
- Looks like Heather got the Shanghai Surprise. Sorry Heather, no substitutions.
America's Next Top Model Hates Autism
Photo # 5 - Who wants send grandma into cardiac arrest? If your kids are yelling, "I do! I do!" then this is the perfect gift to give grandma. Simply place her gift card (I'd assume to the Harriet Carter store) into this plastic-locked maze and just sit back and watch grandma lose her mind while she tries to figure this puzzle out. Considering grandma typically answers the door when the phone rings, this should be a real hoot to watch. If you wanted to really get creative, simply replace the gift card with her heart medication and see how determined she is to crack the code. Oh, and with the arthritis she suffers from the laughs will be endless this holiday season. Please make sure to check her pulse and immediately dial 911 when grandma says she smells burnt toast and then falls out of her chair. Thanks again Harriet for making plastic even more fun than we could have ever imagined!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
~ Marilyn Manson is Still Keeping That Goth Thing Alive ~ CelebritySmack
~ A Celebrity BedHead Off ~ AgentBedHead
~ Kate Walsh is 40. She Likes to Kick and Stretch ~ FatBack
~ Rihanna Let Herself Go ~ POTP
~ A Mini Hudgens ~ Ninjadude
~ Brooke Hogan in a Bikini Just Because ~ EvilBeet
~ Wait, Another Terminator? ~ PopBytes
~ Steven Segal: Still Alive ~ Ayyyy
~ Brendan Fraser's New Weave ~ Yeeeah
- I love how Lauren and Audrina legit seemed scared of Sandy Sanders. Yes Lauren, she will hit you, although we are waiting for conclusive DNA tests to decipher whether or not she is, indeed, a female.
- Lauren tries to go all "IBBB" and nickname Emily Valentine "She Pratt." Nice try Lauren. That's my job. You may either call her Sandy Sanders or Emily Valentine. Here's a helpful hint. When she is being a douche-bag you should call her Emily Valentine. When she is just existing in the crapisode you should call her Sandy Sanders. You're welcome.
- Sandy Sanders shows up at Steve Sanders and Heidi's apartment and wants to know where the jellyfish are. Huh? I want to know what happened to Heidi's puppy and Heidi's cat from older seasons of The Hills. My educated guess is that she's killed these animals only to use some of their features for her own physical enhancements (i.e nose, chin, and boobs). You do the math.
- Why does Heidi ask Sandy Sanders if she and her parents know about the wedding? Do they not have TVs or read magazines? My parents, who don't even watch The Hills or know what it is, know that Heidi and Steve Sanders are getting married.
- Where is Heidi's wedding ring during this conversation? Perhaps it's with the jellyfish...and puppy....and cat....and old nose.....and old chin.....and old boobs.
- When these three are talking it's like they're having a "Teeth Off" Competition.
- Alright alright the gangs at Opera in LA. Brody, for some reason, is dressed like Eminem and when he asks Justin Bobby how he's been Justin Bobby replies, "I don't even know how I've been." Sweet. How's your drugs Justin Bobby? Good? Please share.
- Why does Justin Bobby always wear that scarf over his head? He looks like that chick that was on the cover of National Geographics. You know the one.
- Shocker. Emily Valentine and her friend "Roxy" surprisingly are at Opera too. Also, does the name "Roxy" really exist? Anyway, Emily Valentine scriptedly confronts Brody and Lauren and tells Brody that he's on the evil side and he should come home with them. Huh? When did this turn into Star Wars?
- AWESOME! Lauren turns this confrontation into one of those old Sally Jesse Raphael episodes when they have "troubled teens" on and the the audience boo's the "troubled teen" and the "troubled teen" yells back at the audience, "You don't know me. Do you know me? You don't know me!" Yeah, well, Lauren said the same thing to Emily Valentine, "You don't know me. Do you know me?" Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki!
- Oh and you know that when Lauren yells out, "Don't fight other peoples battles" you know that Emily Valentine and Roxy were like 50 feet away."
- I'm a little disappointed that drinks weren't thrown and the term "meat curtains" wasn't used, but what can you do. You can only ask for so much.
- However, the scene gets even better when Justin Bobby calls over the red headed chick like she's a $2.00 whore. Brilliant.
- Here's the thing. I don't believe that these two kissed. Here's why. There are cameras everywhere. You mean to tell me that the cameras weren't on a drugged/drunken Justin Bobby and the random red-headed slut while Audrina AND her teeth were just one table over? No way. The kiss was the only thing that wasn't filmed. I don't buy it.
- I'm now taking bets at how many times Audrina and her teeth will say, "Seriously, I'm done." I'm going for 12.
- Justin Bobby may not have kissed her but he definitely walked out of the bar with her grabbing her boobs and then trying to hide from the camera.
- HOLY CRAP! This is when The Hills takes a turn for the better and, in my opinion, should be nominated for an Emmy. All of a sudden it's like I'm watching "Cops." Camera people are shooting from a distance, subtitles are being used, the footage is a bit grainy because they're outside, and you truly feel like Audrina and Justin Bobby are seconds away from a fist fight near a dumpster. I love the Fox show "Cops" and I love The Hills. I never thought of combining them, but brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
- Perfect. Audrina just said, "I'm done" about 3 times so far.
- Whoa, they really are standing next to a dumpster now. How trashed is Justin Bobby? Is he developing some sort of accent? I may not be a psychologist, even though I am, but it seems that Audrina's low self esteem is making her not able to allow herself to really get mad that Justin Bobby kissed another girl. Wow. I just got wicked deep.
- Wait, is this not scripted? Usually when Audrina cries she smiles. This time, just tears. No smile. No teeth. Ok, well a little teeth, but not a full smile.
- Sandy Sanders stops by Steve Sanders and Heidi's apartment again to tell the tale of the events of the night before with Lauren and Brody. Why does her story not really match up with what we actually saw and what she said? By the way, they're having another "teeth off."
- Heidi seems less than thrilled at the conversation. Maybe she's seen some of her earlier episodes this season where she looks like douche-bag-a-palooza.
- Justin Bobby heads over to Audrina's apartment and he is all business because he has his hair in a bun. Yes, a bun. His hair is in perfect placement for judging panel at America's Next Top Model. That's just how Tyra likes it. What? Yeah, I can mix two bad reality shows together.
- Anyway, J Bob denies kissing that ugly girl. I believe him. I mean, I also don't give a crap, but I do believe it. It's just tricky work of the producers.
- Bonus points for Justin Bobby's eyes starting to fill up when Audrina tells him it's over.
- This better not be the last we see of Justin Bobby, as my other website (http://www.justinbobby.com/) will suffer miserably.
On next weeks episode, Sandy Sanders talks to Heidi about the wedding and tells Steve Sanders that Heidi may not want to get married. Steve Sanders and Heidi get into an argument and Steve Sanders leaves while Heidi throws a magazine at the door.....followed by world implosion.
Wanna Become MYSPACE Friends with the Jackass Behind These Hills Recaps? Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends with IBBB and Let the Hijinks Begin!
The Hills: Introducing Stephanie Pratt
Monday, November 26, 2007
~ Poshortia to Make Sex and the City Movie Even Worse ~ CelebritySmack
~ Demi Moore is Old and Happy/Sad With It ~ AgentBedHead
~ Jessie Spano is Alive ~ EvilBeet
~ Tara Reid Finally Lost the Baby Fat ~ FatBack
~ Heidi Klum and Her Boobs ~ NinjaDude
~ Martha Stewart Still Has a TalkShow? ~ PopBytes
~ Is Joe Francis a Prison Bitch? ~ POTP
~ A Very Lohan Thanksgiving ~ DListed
Breaking Paris Hilton News
The Hills Goes to Paris
In other Britney news while I was on vacation it appears that Britney may be adopting Chinese twins. Sorry Britney, no substitution.
Britney's Boston Boyfriend
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Product # 1 - Hey cheap ass! Are you too cheap to spend $10.00 to go get your haircut at Supercuts? Why not just figure out a ghetto way to cut it yourself. Well now you can thanks to Harriet Carters haircutting comb. All you need to do is just comb your hair like normal and this comb that has a razor in it will slice the piss out of your head/scalp. What a treat! I'm sure it's going to look great. Just remember how many times you combed one side of you head because you'll need to comb the other side the same amount of times. Oh, and best wishes with the back of your head. I'm sure that will turn out wonderful. For me, the best thing about this product is the description. I think someone was drunk when they wrote it. It actually says, "Hair Cutting Comb gives you \r\na perfect cut..." What the hell is \r\na? Are they trying to say that the razor will cut the DNA out of you? It continues by saying, "Simply wet hair and comb away until desired length is achievedoitis quick..." "Achieviedoitis?" Is that a disease? It's like comb your hair until you get a horrible disease. Oh, and nice job following the simple directions jackass. This guy didn't even wet his molester hair. Blah.
Product # 2 - Can your cartoon old lady not see over the steering wheel? Sometimes it is difficult for cartoons to drive. Are they kidding with this? How little is the lady not using this seat booster and more importantly why is the lady who's using the seat screaming bloody murder? Seriously, take a look at her. She looks like she just witnessed a murder. What do you see once you sit on the seat? Perhaps once she actually used this she realized she was 100 years old was was endangering the lives of thousands of others on the road? Perhaps this is a "truth seat?" Also, what in fact is she driving because that doesn't look like a car. Is she piloting an airplane? Maybe that's why she's screaming? Who knows. Maybe she's freaked out because there are dotted lines coming out of her eyes. Jeesh. Getting old must be tough.
Product # 3 - Merry Christmas sweetie! Now go and play with your bag of trash. Santa was really busy this year and mom and dad have no extra money because they spend all their income on ridiculous Harriet Carter products so you hug that bag of trash. This looks like a safe gift too because I'm pretty sure that people say that kids should be, not only, playing with plastic bags but they should be learning to love them as well. When this little bratty bitch gets tired of just hugging the bag hopefully she'll try out jumping into the bag and seeing what happens. Ho-ho-ho! Santa will see you in the ICU!
Product # 4 - There was something that I always seemed to look over in the Harriet Carter crapalog. Blanket Models. Yes, blanket models. There are a ton of them. And look who's "modeling" this Elvis blanket? Why it's none other than "Failure Model Chick!" What an honor this must be for her. Now typically she has some sort of mask on hiding parts of her face. That must be good for the ego. Well now Harriet Carter is allowing Failure Model Chick to show her face, but hide her entire body. Good call, Harriet. This ain't no smut magazine! I have a question however. How long are Failure Model Chick's arms? It kinda looks like her hands are about 10 feet to the left and 10 feet to the right. Are those cartoon hands? Hmmm could Failure Model Chick model for the circus one day? I bet! Also, is this Elvis Presley? It sorta looks like he autographed it as "Elvis Pushy." Maybe that's why this blanket costs about $2.00.
Wanna Become MYSPACE Friends With the Maniac Behind These Harriet Carter Posts? Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends with IBBB
Harriet Carter Wednesday: Gobble Gobble
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
It's about time Whitney got some real airtime. Will Whitney spout out greeting card sayings during her date? Will Heidi and Steve Sanders end their fauxgagement? Will Audrina's teeth implode? How drunk will Lauren be? Justin Bobby anyone? Let's see what goes down on this episode, With This Ring...
- Yes! The girls are all at the gym working out with 2 pound weights. For me, this is very reminiscent of the Saved By the Bell episode when the girls made a music video and were at the gym singing, "Put your mind to it, go for it, you got to break a sweat; rock and roll you ain't seen nothing yet." Brilliant. This is like an 80's montage.
- Now I'm not 100% sure when it comes to what personal trainers are supposed to do, but should Jarrett be drinking a tall Starbucks Espresso in a can while the girls work out? Also, why is Audrina starting to remind me of Kelly Kapowski? Many questions, many questions.
- Yeah, so when the workout is over the girls go outside for stereotypical protein shakes. They're outstide still wearing their gym clothes which consists of tank-tops. Suddenly, when it's over Whitney puts on a coat....a coat that has fur around the collar and the sleeves and has a hood. Brrrrr that 80 degree weather must feel brisk when you get out of the gym.
- I bet my bank account that the church would burst into flames once Heidi and Steve Sanders entered. Looks like I'm out $10.00.
- The church won't be available for 6-months. I'm hoping this means there will be a season 4 of The Hills. And by "hoping" I mean "I am sitting here with my rosary beads praying to my sweet Jesus."
- Seriously is it 20 degrees out because now Whitney is getting ready at Lauren's "apartment" with a blanket around her shoulders. Why is Whitney my Nana?
- Lauren is such a good friend that when Whitney leaves the room Lauren goes through her bag looking for make-up. Hopefully she'll find something for the wrinkles under her eyes. No dice.
- The girls are heading to Big Wang's to meet up with their trainer Jarrett (because that makes sense) and Whitney is apparently wearing Peg Bundy's lingerie to this sports bar. She has a scarf on too. Of course.
- Hmmm, Lauren drinking a beer has somehow made her even hotter.
- Whitney and Jarrett play pool and Jarrett basically asks Whitney out. Where are they going, you ask? Oh, on a "workout" date. No really. He is going to train her for their date. Why not just say, "Hey fatass wanna go out this Saturday? The movies? No way. You're working out and I'm going to watch you to make sure you do it." I'm totally trying that sometime, but I refuse to workout too.
- Whitney doesn't seem desperate at all when she says she wants to go as soon as possible. Ahhh young love. Young scripted love.
- Watching Whitney do jumping jacks and "wind punches" makes me content as a human. I could watch this all the live long day.
- Bonus points for Whitney sporting a little cameltoe during her workout. That's right I saw it.
- Heidi wants to wear a crown at her wedding. Fitting. Steve Sanders should wear one too. They can be the King and Queen of Douchebagland.
- I've decided no more side profiles of Lauren. Only straight on shots from now on.
- Sweet! It's time for Whitney and Jarrett's date. The second they sit down they are brought their drinks. Efficient. Jarrett looks like he's drinking a kamikaze and he's drinking it out of a little tiny straw. Manly.
- Oh my God. It's hit me. Jarrett is Whitney. Whitney is Jarrett. They are the same person. The SAME person. This is a match made in heaven. There is no way this relationship won't work out. I'd love to have a conversation with both of them together. I can only imagine the crap that they would spew out. Oh and I want to have "game night" with them. I wonder how they'd do playing Scategories?
- Cheers to that? Really? Why not just clink glasses and yell "Woo-hoo Spring Break!!!"
- What the hell is this line of questioning? Jarrett asks Whitney what her sign is and then Whitney asks Jarrett what his dreams are. Really? You felt that was the next logical question? Good transition. That's like someone asking how your food is and then you ask them about their thoughts on abortion. Smooth.
- Heidi and Steve Sanders are in a fight because he plans a surprise trip to get married in Vegas that night. Heidi is pissed because she wants a wedding as big as her chin. Steve Sanders doesn't want the pressure of family and friends there as he wants it to be just him and her.....and the MTV camera crew....and then America and the world watching it 2 weeks later.
- Heidi follows close to the script and takes her ring off and Steve Sanders looks at it without blinking and with his mouth ajar, of course. Bonus points for my use of the word "ajar." Thank you. Steve Sanders grabs his suitcase and peaces out. Hopefully he's leaving to go and take a dirt nap.
- Heidi is busy at work and talks to Kimberly, the new Elodie, about her fight with Steve Sanders. Kimberly is all into the conversation. Elodie would have been better in this situation. Damn her for leaving us.
- Later on Heidi and Steve Sanders made up. Steve stayed at his parents house for the night, just like an old episode of The Flintstones.
- The folks at MTV really stuck it to us, the viewers, by playing Alicia Keys new song "No One" while Heidi and Steve Sanders hugged and they faded to black.
On the next episode of The Hills....OH MY HOLY GOD! Steve Sanders has a SISTER! This, perhaps, could be the BEST day of my life. I'm not kidding. I already have a name picked out for her, as my friend Maria text messaged me her thoughts on her name last night. This name will be revealed next week. Steve Sanders sister looks like a complete cracked out trainwreck. Thank you MTV! Thank you! Justin Bobby kisses some random chick at the bar and Audrina sees it and then pushes the girl....she smiles while she pushes her, but she pushes her nonetheless. Next week will rule.Become Friends With the Maniac Behind These Hills Recaps. Click Here to Become IBBBs MYSPACE Friend. Good Times.
The Hills: Whitney's Date is Kinda Whitney
Monday, November 19, 2007
Have a kick-arse Thanksgiving week. For those of you in other countries that don't know what Thanksgiving is, it's basically a day in November that we in the United States spend time with family giving thanks for Jesus seeing His shadow and allowing us to have 6 more weeks of summer and less Global Warming then last year. It's a wonderful day.
Friday, November 16, 2007
~ The Craziest Lohan Story, Ever ~ AgentBedHead
~ Heidi Klum Does "The Naked" ~ DSF
~ A Vegas Birthday. How Original. ~ EvilBeet
~ Heidi Montard to Win an Oscar ~ FatBack
~ Kardashian Ass and Produce ~ NinjaDude
~ Gwen Stefani's New Video ~ PopBytes
~ Who's Babysitting Britney's Kids? ~ POTP
~ Britney Bangs Another Paparazzi Dude ~ DirtyDisher
Breaking News: An Olsen Has Teeth
"There have been some rumors in the press about The Hills being fake. Many of you have been asking me if the rumors are true. There are false rumors every week about me and I can’t address every rumor out there, but I feel like this was important for me to respond to. The show is not fake and this is really my life."
Hmmm that sounded scripted. Also, this really is your life? That's sad (See Ya!). Seriously, who issues a statement like that? She should have had a press conference. And what does she mean that there are false rumors about her every week that she can't address? I think there are two rumors each week: (1) The Hill is fake and (2) Lauren had a sex-tape with Jason Wahler. That basically sums it up, no?
According to Lauren, what are some other things that are real?
- Tooth Fairy
- Jack and the Beanstalk
- Results from a Oiuja Board
- Easter Bunny
- Global Warming
Who Shot That Sober Snooze?!?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
- This week the girls head to FIDM. I find myself looking for Lauren Conrad...or LC as her friends call her. But I don't see her anywhere.
- This week, the challenge is to "inspire" the FIDM students. The students will be creating individual outfits out of a dress that my mother wore to work in 1983.
- The girls model these outfit-type creations on the runway, while commentating on themselves. Heather totally blanks out and says nothing....then spews complete nonsense. Bianca couldn't be happier to see Heather bite it.
- Saleisha wins the challenge. The big prize is to model jewelry in Seventeen Magazine. Saleisha chooses Bianca and Lisa to join her, and I realize that this show is absolutely boring unless Tyra is in it. It was so much more enjoyable last week, when Tyra showed up in the first 15 minutes and declared Jihad. I mean, taught the girls to model.
- Ok, this just took a left turn. Heather "calls" the shower when they get home and completely loses her shit when the other girls jump in there first. She rips off all her clothes and gets in the shower anyway. This frightens the other girls. I also think Heather just put the Malocchio on the rest of the girls. Good luck.
- Now the girls are in the middle of the desert. Jay rolls up onto the scene like a tumbleweed and tells them they will be posing in front of a burning car. This seems a little Iraqish to me. Don't they set cars on fire? Aren't they in the desert? Maybe this makes Tyra feel like she is helping to fight the war. I'm sure she will spin it that way.
- It's judging time, and for the one jillionth time, Tyra reminds us of the prizes and introduces the judges.
- There is a loud gong, and I just assume this is for Tyra. However, a Chinese dragon comes out, and Tyra has a one-sided conversation with it (her side of course). She then announces they are going to CHINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
- Immediately, all hell breaks loose. Tyra busts out a large Chinese fan, the dragon dances and Samurai's show up to have a sword fight. The girls are jumping up and down and shrieking with delight. I am not sure why they are so excited, what with SARS and all? Wait, has that been eradicated? I think it has.
- After telling the girls they are going to China, Tyra knocks them all down about 8 notches by announcing that one girl will NOT be going to China. Way to go Tyra. After this you should stop by a pre-school and tell them there's no Santa.
- When Tyra critiques Saleisha, she tells her that she should have been going "Uhhh....Uhhhhh......Ugh....." Seriously, what?
- Anyway, somebody ain't going to China. Ambreal and Lisa are in the bottom two. Tyra asks "Who will be the one NOT going to China, a country I have never been to and am excited to see." Way to make it about YOU Tyra. Hilarious. Ultimately, Ambreal gets the gong....See you all in Shanghai! I hope someone asks Dong for his AUTOMOBILE.
Jessica has said, "I was like, 'How do I move to New York?' It's a great city (and) everywhere you look there's art and restaurants and people are, like, on the move, it's very progressive.
People talk to you, they interact. It's not like that in L.A. In L.A. everyone's in their car and they're honking at you or spitting their cigarette or their gum out at you."
Yay! I can officially add Jessica to my Stalkers List. Oh, and I'll still spit out gum at her when I see her so she doesn't feel homesick.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I'm not sure if I'm part of an Amber Alert, but keep an eye out. As they say on The Today Show, "Shifting gears to a lighter topic"....in other news...
~ Solid Gold Victoria Secret Models ~ CelebritySmack
~ Saint Britney Spears de las Whore ~ FatBack
~ I Think Jennifer Aniston Misses Me ~ PopBytes
~ Pink Has Gas. Ok, Not Funny. ~ NinjaDude
~ Hurtful Oprah? ~ POTP
~ Damn It! I Missed Jessica Alba Again! ~ AgentBedHead
~ IBBB is the Second Sexiest Man Alive and Dead ~ Yeeeah
~ Vince Vaughn: The New Fat Elvis ~ Ayyyy
Product # 1 - You know what's really heavy? Eyeglasses. You know what's light as a feather? A jumbo magnifying glass that hangs from your neck and is the size of a bathroom window. Really? This makes it easier for you to read then just putting on a pair of eyeglasses? No joke, that's my computer screen hanging from this skanks neck. My thoughts? If your eyesight gets this bad just go for an eye transplant. I'm sure Harriet sells an "eye transplant" contraption. Perhaps just go for those "books on tape" because you look a little ridiculous. I mean, I'm not sure if a book called "Mom's" will be on audio tape, but it's worth a shot. If all else fails you should literally try playing the piano and/or harmonica. What? It worked for both Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles. You never know. I'd try it. P.S, nice purple wall. Do they film 80's porn in that room when you're not sitting there? Thanks Harriet for being a literal pain in the neck. Sidenote, that was the cleanest joke I ever told and, perhaps, the worst.
Product # 2 - Hey Disgusting! How are you? Are you kidding me with this. THIS is exactly what I'm talking about when I say that dogs are gross and their owners just don't see it. I don't care what you say, it's true. This "lady" is washing her filthy dog that licks other dogs bums (haha dog bums), drinks out of the toilet, and eats its own puke right in the sink. Then, it's time to wash the baby....in the same tub. Mmmmm clean and sanitary. My favorite! But the fun and disgust doesn't stop just there. Next up this lady apparently gets naked and then washes her hair over the sink because, clearly, walking her fat ass to the shower is too much work. Although it looks like she's missing her hair and is just washing her eye. Maybe she got dig shit or baby piss in it. It's a tough call, really. She probably is also washing the fleas off that baby. Actually, that baby looks like it has rabies. Is that how you get rabies? Probably. Anyway, thanks Harriet and best wishes to this lady not having her kid ripped out of her home by DSS because I'm absolutely calling them. Gross.
Product # 3 - Uh-oh! Is your porcelain chipping? Who gives an F. The real issue is why in the hell is your refrigerator in the bathroom? Actually, another important question is who in the sexy hell has a porcelain refrigerator? Do they even make those anymore? And by "anymore" I really mean "since 1925." This does bring up an innovative idea. Sometimes when I get out of the shower I would love some breakfast but then I have to walk alllllll the way to the kitchen. That's not efficient at all. Instead, I'd love to be in the shower and just reach into the refrigerator and grab some milk for my cereal (I'll keep the box of cereal under the sink). Also, how small is the bottle? It seems like it'll take about 300 hours to fix that bathtub. It's kinda like painting your car with a bottle of White-Out. Stop. I just thought of the last time I saw a porcelain refrigerator. Remember that episode of Punky Brewster when Cheri got trapped in the refrigerator? Yeah, then.
The house may have been decorated for Halloween, but you know that police tape on the front door was the remains from the last fight that Dina and Michael Lohan got in. The cobwebs on the bushes, you ask? My money is on the cobwebs being from Dina's crotch. Yup, I absolutely went there. If Lindsay is going to remain sober then this is the crap that you're going to have to read. Blame her, not me.
A Couple of Lohans
Besides being a consistent douche-bag or "bagadouche" as my friend Janine says, Paris Hilton would like to set the record straight that she is not helping raise awareness of the binge-drinking elephants of India. Therefore, Paris Hilton must be in support of drunken elephants. I know I am. I like everything and everyone drunk as a skunk. I see a person, I want them drunk. I see see a dog, I want it drunk. I see a chair, I pour vodka all over it and try to get it drunk. Then I take chair rides. It's a long story. Regardless, Paris Hilton is a retard. Good day.
Who Shot that Ho Bag!?!
Here's a little trivia fact for you? Did you know that at one point Raven Symone and Lindsay Lohan were roommates? Yes, they were. Perhaps I read that on a Snapple cap. Perhaps I had a dream about it. Perhaps I'll just say perhaps. Perhaps.
Thanks to all of you that continually send me pictures of cameltoe and ghost boobs. I feel like I'm really doing my job well when I get emails from all of you and end it with, "is it weird that when I see cameltoe and/or ghost boobs I think of you?" No, it's not weird...not weird at all. It's healthy, very healthy. I mean, you'll burn in hell for being a bad person and looking at smut, but whatever. We'll be friends in hell.
Raven Symone's Ghost Boobs
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
~ Kim Kardashian's Ass Lucked Out ~ AgentBedHead
~ Dumpy Duffs ~ NinjaDude
~ Janice Dickenson Looks Grrreat! ~ Ayyyy
~ Rihanna Hides Some Forehead ~ POTP
~ Courtney Love is a Blogger. Sweet. ~ PopBytes
~ Lindsay and Her GF Are Back ~ Yeeeah
- Why is Kimberly trying to be the new Elodie? She'll never compare. It's great that Heidi has a new "friend" to go to the Declare Yourself party, although I am shocked that she isn't bringing Steve Sanders.
- Nice try Lauren, but you have a microphone on which means even when we can't see you we can still hear you. Whitney and Lauren are walking into the party talking about how Lisa Loveless told them to have a good time. Cut to the next scene where you hear Lauren say, "that chick that was in The Devil Wears Prada." Yeah we know what you're talking about Lauren. Leave Lisa Loveless alone. LEAVE HER ALONE YOU BASTARD!
- Ok can everyone stop referring to this as an "event." This event is the first event where we didn't have to work. Who will be at this event. This event looks amazing. We get it, it's an event. Damn the effects of the Writers Strike. Damn it!
- My favorite scripted moment of the episode (besides the entire thing) is where Lauren and Whitney walk out to get a table and at the same time Heidi and Kimberly are walking in. They miss each other by like 2 seconds. Actually, I'm wrong. They miss each other by 2 scripted seconds. That's better.
- Seeing Audrina in a helmet is like seeing a baby smile. It's just natural.
- How come nobody will say exactly what Audrina's new promotion is. I know she was a receptionist before, but now she's just saying she's "more involved." Really? Is that your title. Add that to you business cards. She's all psyched she has a cubical to sit in now. Great. Cubicles suck. Let's put it this way, you're famous, on TV, make like $25,000 an episode, and now you're in a cubical. That's about 740 steps down. Congrats on being "more involved" though. Damn the Writers Strike for not thinking up a real title for you Audrina. Damn them!
- Justin Bobby looks like he leaves a ring around the bathtub.
- Sly Heidi. We saw you look right into the camera when Whitney and Lauren were sitting at the table. Smooth.
- Stop. Halt. Stop everything. What in the holy hell does Heidi mean when she says to Kimberly, "Remember that girl I told you about, she's right over there." Wait, what? Is Kimberly deaf and blind? All Heidi needed to say was, "Lauren is over there. You know Lauren. We're on this show called "The Hills" and are on every magazine cover for the past 2 years. Our fight made international news and there is a camera crew filming her and us right now. Are you familiar?"
- Way to make it better, Whitney, by telling Lauren how horrible this is for her. Great friend.
- I love how they keep talking about the sex tape. While the fight between Heidi and Lauren is a bit uneventful (mainly because we saw all of it in the commercials throughout the week) I do think it's great how they keep using lighting that seems to give Lauren all wrinkles under her eyes. Heidi may seem like the asshole, but Lauren kinda is looking like one.
- Bonus points, however, for The Hills not waiting to show this fight in the last 5 seconds of the show.
- Wow! Audrina's teeth really seem to pop with the grey wall behind her. Technically her teeth are whiter than the couch cushions.
- Audrina is working with Sean Kingston because, apparently, answering phones for 2 years makes you qualified to help develop an artist. This is boring me.
- Stop. Wait. Stop everything. Why are they playing the music from "America's Next Top Model." They totally are. The scene directly after Audrina is talking to her co-worker about when she can see Justin Bobby, they then play the music from America's Next Top Model when the girl gets eliminated and they show her picture disappearing. How do I know this? MTV plays marathon episodes of ANTM about 5 days a week.
- Ok so, what time do interns normally start the day? 9am? 8am? 8:30am? Well not Lauren. She starts her day at 5:34 PM. She comes in and sits down at her "computer" and gets an IM from Heidi which is timestamped 5:34 PM. Does Lauren do any work at all? And whose IM looks like that? Where's her little Wee-person?
- Whitney shut the F up and be patient. She's asking Lauren every 2 seconds what's going on. Relax. Jeesh. Read the script Whitney, that should fill you in.
- What does Whitney mean she "just wants to help?" What is she going to help with? Help type for Lauren?
- And cue Steve Sanders sitting on the couch, per usual.
- Hey creepy, stop reading your girlfriends instant messages and get a job.
- Steve Sanders did not blink once during his scene.
- Is Heidi going on a date with Lauren? Why is she bringing her flowers?
- Nice of Lauren to take the flowers and toss them on the counter. Way to be an adult.
- Ouch. Awkward small talk. I'm embarrassed.
- Why does Lauren keep blaming Spencer for the sex tape? I don't think Heidi is lying...technically. Spencer didn't start the sex-tape rumor. Steve Sanders started the sex tape rumor. See how that works? You're welcome Heidi.
- What the hell is Lauren talking about? Uh-oh her voice is turning into that loud and high-pitched squeak again. This is the same as the last time Lauren and Heidi fought on their couch. Now we just need Lauren to declare something pointless.
- Oh, there it is. Lauren says, "Sometimes when you love people you want to believe they're good." Yes Lauren that's how it works. Thanks for stating the obvious. Damn the Writers Strike. Damn it!
- Wait, there's another one. Lauren says, "Sometimes when you do something or don't do something, it's just as bad." Huh? Are you just pulling these sayings out of fortune cookies or something? No wonder why Heidi can't really respond. She probably thinks you're having a stroke.
- Nice! Almost fake tears.
- Forgive and forget. I want to figure you and I want to forget you. Nice Lauren. I want to forgive myself and I want to forget myself for watching this crap.
- Heidi leaves, but makes sure to compliment Lauren on her apartment and wishes her a great life. I hope this show never ends. I hope it outlives me.
Next week on The Hills, Heidi and Steve Sanders go look at a church for their wedding that won't burst into flames when they walk in and Steve Sanders want to go to Vegas to get married, which Heidi doesn't want to do and she puts her $11.00 ring on the table. Oh, and Whitney practices punching into the wind. Should be a good show.
Become MYSPACE Friends with ImBringingBloggingBack and Feel Connected to The Hills. Click Here!
The Hills: Heidi and Lauren Fight and IM?
Monday, November 12, 2007
~ Who Wouldn't Use Jessica Alba in the Promo? ~ AgentBedHead
~ A Very Special Jessica Simpson Movie ~ PopBytes
~ Olsen Sluts on the Beach ~ NinjaDude
~ People Want Paris to Sell Stuff ~ FatBack
~ Natalie Portman: Sluts Wear Red ~ EvilBeet
~ Sarah Michelle Gellar Alive and in Maxim ~ POTP
Teri was in the traditional color of a streetwalker while attending the opening of Dr. Suess's How The Grinch Stole Christmas: The Musical in NYC. As a sidenote, due to the stagehand strike, there was no show the day after this picture was taken. Could Teri Hatcher be the reason behind the WGA strike and the Broadway stagehand strike? Probably. I'd even go as far to double check that she isn't wearing a mask and it's not really Osama Bin Laden hiding in that red dress. You never know.
Audrina was finally no longer blinded by her teeth when she saw Justin Bobby doing something at a night club that "he shouldn't have been doing." Was he perming hair, Audrina? Wearing a winter hat in the middle of the summer while indoors? Wearing too much leather? Were his pants too short? Combat boots and a bathing suit? What was it? Time to be specific, skank.
Audrina told Us Weekly, who clearly blow "The Hills," that "I don't feel like he was giving it his all. I'm always there for him no matter what and sometimes I don't feel it's mutual." Yeah whocareswhateverthatsdumb.
Well thanks for nothing, teeth. I made my rent each month by owning JustinBobby.com. Now what? Am I supposed to just forget about that? Doubtful. You better hope he goes OJ on your ass because I'm looking to upgrade my living situation.
Who Claims This!?!
Audrina & Justin Bobby Break Up. Thanks
Be Very Quiet, I'm Hunting Britneys'
Who Claims This?!
So It's Happened. Thanks Sirius Radio
Friday, November 09, 2007
~ My So Called Life: The Review ~ AgentBedHead
~ Hallmark Aint Afraid of No Paris Hilton ~ CelebritySmack
~ Pickler Tears, Pickler Rack ~ FatBack
~ Jessica Biel Looks Miserably Friendly ~ NinjaDude
~ Vince Vaughn Hearts Photoshop ~ PopBytes
~ Britney Forgot a Few Tests ~ POTP
~ Conan O'Brien's Stalker ~ Yeeeah
Roseanne Wants Ellen to Strike
To the left, to the left,
Everything you own in a box to the left.
In the closet that's my stuff,
Yes if I bought it, baby, please don't touch.
And keep talking that mess, that's fine,
But could you walk and talk at the same time,
And yes that's my name that's on that Jag,
So remove your bags, let me call you a cab.