Thursday, January 31, 2008

...In Other News...

Mamma-say-mamma-sa-mamma-makusa! Michael Jackson and his kids were frolicking at the Luxor Hotel and Casino in Vegas recently. Now I'm not sure which one is Blanket and which one is Sean Preston, but I'm pretty sure that you don't have a chance in hell of survival if Michael Jackson is your dad...or your aunt. In other news...

~ Clay Aiken Doesn't Want to Make Sweet Sex ~ AgentBedHead
~ Tila Ready For Round 2 ~ CelebritySmack
~ Rihanna Has a Little Something Over There...Right There...Up a Little ~ PopBytes
~ Paris and Elisha Cuthbert Make Out ~ Yeeeah
~ Halle Berry Has Ghost Everything ~ POTP
~ Avril's Pool Party ~ FatBack
~ Hayden Panettiere and the Harry Potter ~ NinjaDude
~ Read All the Rest ~ WeSmirch

Britney Goes to the Crazy Hospital

Yeeeeee haw! Even more Britney news! Seriously this is turing into the "boy who cried wolf" for me. It's like take a dirt nap or don't. I'm tired of reading, hearing, seeing, and learning about Britney's crazy antics. But, since I am a reporter (I'm not) I will recap the crap out of what, allegedly, went down with Britney late last night. Buckle up.

  • Britney's psychiartist stopped on by Britney's crazy house to see just how crazy Britney was. She felt Britney was a danger to herself and others and called the cops. I feel that Britney's fake British accent is a danger to England.

  • The cops knew this was coming and labled Britney, "The Package." I would have labled it "Operation Crusty Stringy Pink Wig." It has a nice ring to it.

  • According to the crazy bastards at TMZ, the psychiatrist told Britney she was heading back to the crazy hospital and Britney was fine with it. She made hot chocolate and sat on the floor writing notes to her mom and dad (who were at the house). If I'm ever committed I'm going to make Lemonade and sit on the floor playing hang-man with my family. Just a thought.

  • Britney's friendager, Sam Lufti, tried to visit Brit-o-palooza at el hospital, but they wouldn't let him in and Brit's dad flipped out on Sam for trying to control her. I'd assume a lot of "yeeeee haws" and "hay chewing" were involved in the argument.

  • Britney has been the ideal crazy patient and has even been granted a cigarette break. Being crazy is a full-time job so you really need a break every once in a while.

  • In the first 72-hours of her stay Brit-o-palooza can't be forced to take medication so her psychiatrist may try to have her committed for 14 days. 14 days without Britney roaming the streets? Boring. I demand more crazy immediately.

  • You are now officially all caught up. You're welcome.

  • Somewhere in the world right now Dina and Michael Lohan are hi-fiving.

Who Claims This!?

Britney Spears: That 'Drug Store Lady'

There really isn't much more you can say about Britney. It's all been said. Literally. Britney was out and about the other night, sporting her e-coli crusted pink wig and making yet another trip to the drug store. In this case, Rite Aide. Besides the normal crazy that I typically think about Britney, after looking at these pictures I finally realized exactly who Britney Spears is now. Britney is that "drug store lady." You know who I'm talking about. The "drug store lady" finds the reasons why she needs to be at the drug store each and every day. Sale on sliced pink salmon in the can? Head out to the drug store. Need that box of clear plastic bandaids at 11:47 PM? Head out to the drug store. Find the need to purchase a set of 100 multi-colored blinking Christmas lights and it happens to be midnight on Christmas Eve? Head out to the drug store. You get the point.

I am proud (and by that I mean horrified) to admit that when I was 15 I worked at Walgreens and these "drug store ladies" came in morning, noon, and night. They were also famous for buying multiple cartons of Misty 120's and passing me their $100.00 bill with their yellow and brown fingers AND they always made me smile when they tried to buy bags of birdseed with their food-stamps. Sorry "drug store lady," only people food...not animal food. My point being, Britney is about 2 nights away from buying bags of birdseed. Trust me.
Britney Spears: That 'Drug Store Lady'

2,100 Accidental Beatings

There's about 2,100 excuses for black-eyes that kids are going to need to start explaining to their friends! A school in my hometown of Boston (yeah PATS) accidentally sent out 2,100 automated phone messages to parents claiming that their kids had skipped school. Oh, and it gets worse. A first-graders parent called the local newspaper and described the scene as, "It was quite a scene. There were parents who didn't speak English who didn't understand."

Luckily for those particular parents, they typically tend to slap around their kids anyway so at least they can finally have an excuse now! i just hope that the next day was "class picture day." All the kids with cuts and will look like a police line up. Good going Boston! I miss you and your crazy antics!


Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Harriet Carter: Extenders and Ease

Why Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday you sick sons-a-bitches. Just when you think the crap well has dried up and there is no more crap left, Harriet continues to provide us with an endless pile of crap to help us, hurt us, and heal us. I also have no idea what that just meant. Regardless, let's see what Harriet is forcing us to buy this week and, trust me, people are still buying. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Don't bother putting down that extra slice of pie, fatass. Nope, keep on shoveling it in because now you have these handy dandy waistband extenders to get you and your rolls right through the winter. Take that 4th helping of candied yams and laugh Diabetes right in the face. "You can't hold me down obesity related illness such as high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and clogged arteries!" Apparently Harriet Carter thinks that fat people who need waistband extenders only wear two pants colors. Cartoon Red. Cartoon Blue Clearly, these are high-fashion and, trust me, the pleats in the red pants certainly aren't helping your cause. Actually I did just do a little research and fat people do only wear cartoon red and cartoon blue pants. Who knew!? I'd love to see these waistband extenders in action. Out on a second date? Ate a little too much at dinner? Believe me your date will love nothing more than to see you undo your pants and head to the bathroom without having your pants fall right to the ground. She's a keeper!

Product # 2 - Haven't been able to master the remote control since it was invented in 1955 and then reached mainstream status in 1984? I don't blame you. It certainly takes more than 24 years to understand the complexity of "brightness," "contrast," and the biggest head scratcher, "picture in picture." Well if you've thrown your hands up in frustration (after socking your wife in the eye for buying the original remote control in the first place) then do we have a treat for you. Introducing a remote control classically titled, "The World's Easiest Remote!" Although I like to call it, "Hey Dumbass, the Blind Don't Even Need This - Remote Control." Now I see the on/off button, the volume up, the volume down, the channel up, and the channel down buttons. I also see the mute button. If they are really trying to keep this simple do you really need the mute button? You can't just hold down the volume down button for an extra 2.5 seconds? No? Ok fine, but when the "e" in "mute" starts to wear off and the button is left saying "mut" don't blame me when you have no idea what to do. I tried to warn you. Oh, P.S Good luck getting to those high-definition channels that are always located in the 700's or 800's. You're going to be hitting the "channel up" button for a loooooooong time. Still thinking this remote was making your life easier? Wait until you attempt to watch a DVD (of VHS in your case, probably). You can thank Harriet for that numb feeling in your left arm. By the way, that's a stroke. Best wishes. xoxo, Harriet.

Product # 3 - Want sexy hair like the girls in the shampoo commercials? Do you long for the days of wavy hair that blows in the wind? Well I may not be a hairologist, but I'm pretty sure you don't get that type of hair when you brush it, with what I can only assume, is a toilet brush. But, hell, I'll go with it. Just finished scrubbing 4-week old crap stains out of the good old porcelain pooper? Great! Now's the perfect time to take that brush and comb the knots out of your hair. The feces and e-coli really will give it that sun-kissed look that all the kids are wild about these days. Oh, and if you're a lazy ass and don't feel like taking a normal brush to the back of your head you can thank your lucky stars that there's a 6 foot handle on that brush that allows you to hardly have to move at all. Because remember, every brush needs a handle and every head needs a toilet brush. Wow, that was just brilliant. I'm taking that quote to some fancy marketing company that will likely pay me for it. I'm not going to lie, I completely lost my train of thought with this one. Oh well, pip pip. Good day!

Product # 4 - Help save the time of strangers trying to pick-pocket you while your traveling on vacation. Now lightly place your camera on this "muggers stick" and hold it right out for the muggers. If you hold it far enough away from you, you'll hardly have to even interact with the person who's going to run by and snatch it (haha, snatch). By the way, does this douche-bag couple know that the Eiffel Tower is just to the right of them? Yeah, well it is. I'm sure everyone will be psyched to be flipping through hundreds of photos of these two and never get to see any of the outstanding landmarks that they visited. However, I do think it's great that Justin Guarini and the lady who was in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" finally found work again. I must admit, I'm jealous that they made it into the Harriet Carter crapalog before I did, but they are well established entertainers and I, well I'm just a little tiny blogger with hardly any street cred.

That's all for this week folks! See you next week if the world hasn't imploded.

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Harriet Carters of Yesteryear

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

...In Other News...

Britney Spears: Millionaire Tears

The ugly cry was in full effect last night when Britney and her friend/manager or her "franager" as I like to call him, Sam, got into a bit of a brawl right out side her mansion gates. Britney gets out of the car crying, while holding onto her dog (Toto?) for dear life. Luckily, there were thousands of cameras capturing her every move. While the brilliant paparazzi tried to compliment Britney while she was having her mini-breakdown by telling her they liked her hat and she had a great sense of style, I immediately was thinking, "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiegho?" Apparently the act of crying and holding a dog can certainly make you exhausted, so Britney took her shoes off and sat down for a rest. Yeeeee haw! Bare feet and walking with a dog! All she forgot to do was it into a tin cup.

Anyway, the crazy train express kept going full steam ahead for the remainder of the night. Apparently, Sam tried to comfort a trashy/crying Britney and finally left. Britney went into her house where her parents ended up showing up. Go figure! Her ex-boyfriend, Adnan, tried to get into the mansion, but was unsuccessful. Britney continued to make good decisions and got in the car of a random paparazzi dude and they, apparently, went to Ralph's Supermarket (because, you know, that makes perfect sense). Britney ended up hopping out of his car on the street and getting into the car with Adnan and they sped of reaching speeds of over 100 mph. Safe!

Britney can try to outrun the crazy, but the crazy will always catch up with you no matter how fast you go. Britney's still rich though, right? Why can't the money make her happy? Geesh! If she doesn't know how to use her money then give some of it to me. I'm more than comfortable with using all that money to fill many voids in my life. I'm completely fine with it.

Well, that's all the info I have from the Britney show. I suggest that the newspapers start proof-reading their obituaries.

Someone, Take a Note

There has been a ton of talk about Heath Ledger's masseuse calling Mary-Kate Olsen several times before actually calling 911. Now there are rumors that if she had called 911 first he may have been saved. I'm not going to lie, I couldn't care less about that particular rumor. However, this really wanted me to make some plans for myself. Someone, take a note.

God forbid I am ripped from this earth early, but if I am I want a few things to be done. First off, please someone alert (via the phone or email) Kimmy Gibbler FIRST. I want her contacted before anyone else, including my family. Second, please contact TIVO and immediately cancel my monthly membership. Third, please set up multiple Mr Potato Heads in various poses around my lifeless body. I feel that Mr Potato Head will definitely bring on a bit of mystery surrounding my death and I would love him named in my obituary and/or police report. Next up, please put "Whoomp There It Is" on repeat on my CD player, as I would like many to speculate that the song may have lead to my untimely death. I'd also like someone to make sure that my death is somehow incorporated into a scene in an upcoming Sesame Street episode and, please, make sure that Guy Smiley plays the role of me. I'd like to live out that dream from beyond the grave. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, please make sure to place a pig hat (the one where you pull the string and the pig hands clap and/or the wings on the pig move) onto my head and snap multiple photos. Please then send these photos to the Harriet Carter Catalog (c/o Harriet Carter) in hopes that I will finally make it into the catalog itself.

Thanks, in advance, for your cooperation. Oh, and please make sure that I'm not in skid-marked underwear. Please chisel off the skid-marks and/or place clean underwear on me. Don't peek though, you pervert.

Pam Anderson's Son 'At That Age'

It's nice to see Pam Anderson Lee Rock Hep C Solomon out and about with her son and a bag and ball, perhaps a ball-bag. Regardless, this really got me to thinking, which never is a great thing. Pammy Pant's son is now officially "at that age" where he's slowly starting to discover that his mom has had a bit of a slutty-skanked-out past. I'm sure his "good friends" at school are bringing in vintage Playboy issues of Pam (which were probably bid on and purchased on eBay) just to torment poor Brandon. You figure that wouldn't be so bad, but then you know the same kids are bringing in their portable DVD players and Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tapes. Now that is exactly what all kids want to see. Enjoy watching mommy going to town on a boat with a dude with tattoos all over his body. I'm sure he'll be beaming with pride, but at the same time he is rich from all his mothers sluttiness and money does make everything better. Everything. That and booze. Booze and money make everything better. Oh, and fame. Fame, booze, and money make everything better. Well, and a tan. A tan, fame, booze, and money make everything better. Good looks too. Good looks, a tan, fame, booze, and money make everything better.

Monday, January 28, 2008

...In Other News...

Hey! Britney's Boobs. Gin!

For those of you perverts playing at home and have already collected the Britney Spears "gentleman greeter" card and the Britney Spears "bare ass" card and the Britney Spears "see-through shirt" card, you can now add the Britney Spears "boobs to the wind" card. Hooray! Your collection is now complete. Now somebody go and photoshop all those cards together and make a quilt so you can wrap yourself in crazy and keep warm this chilly winter.

Thanks to crappy and extremely shady camera footage (possibly a cell phone), Britney was captured while practicing her slick dance moves at Millennium Dance Studio. First she's brilliantly dancing and then next thing you know her top pops off! Uh-oh, you sunk my battleship! Pretty tricky sis! Maybe Britney is practicing this because she plans on performing it in front of the judge at her next child custody hearing. No really, it may work. Dance your kids back, Britney. Dance your kids back! If Paula Abdul could dance and make a cartoon cat appear then you can certainly use these same skills to make your kids reappear. Clearly it's the circle of life.

Heidi Montag Graduates!

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da CCC-CCCC. Yup, that's my intro song to 90210. It's a hard "c." Try it again. Anyway, Mrs. Teasley is going to be pissed because Heidi Montag will graduate after all! I've received some emails last week asking me what the hell happened to Heidi Montard's face recently. As always, I just assume she's spent too much time at Crested Butte and has began to take over the characteristics of her parents dumb-ass horse, but this time she is looking a bit different. She's not looking as horse-like, but more Spelling-like. I mean, it's really like splitting hairs, but you know what I mean.

Anynose, this glamor-shots picture of Heidi was taken as she was leaving a random club in LA the other day. I think she's almost completed her Donna Martin transformation, which I believe is great news. This way, I get to hit all of my goals which consist of transforming the entire cast of The Hills into characters from 90210. We clearly already have Steve Sanders, as well as Emily Valentine (Stephanie Pratt). Audrina could easily become Valerie. I'm struggling with Whitney, but I'd assume she could mutate into Kelly Taylor. Oh and, of course, Lisa Loveless would be transformed into Jim Walsh.

Zac and Grace

The 14th Annual SAG Awards took place last night and let me tell ya, those guys are tricky and pretty funny. Sure, there wasn't any real entertainment, but it was pretty funny that they paired up Zac Efron and Debra Messing to present an award. Zac and Grace. Very fitting. Irony? Comic timing? Two women with a face full of make-up on? All of the above.

The Hills Does the Hawaiian Tropic Zone

Lauren Cockring and her sidekick, "Teeth," were living it up in quiet Las Vegas at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone. The Hawaiian Tropic Zone is located inside of the Planet Hollywood Hotel, which apparently has done so well as a horrific restaurant that they decided to make an entire hotel out of it....kinda like the original Howard Johnson's. Anyway, LC and Teeth were, obviously, all smiles as their picture was taken hundreds of times. Now I checked it out on a bunch of different websites and no one will officially name the girl that's also in these photos, but I'm pretty certain that it's Spencer's sister, no? Now my "Hills" eye may be a little rusty since it hasn't been on in over a sad month, but I'm pretty sure that's everyones favorite douche-bag sister, Sandy Sanders. If it's not her then I totally passed this chick the other day on the street trying to sell me a scarf, necktie, and cologne. Regardless, good luck to her.

It has also been rumored that LC will be in sunny NYC during fashion week and, if this is true, I will do my best to bump the Olsen Sluts off my stalker list for the week and add LC to it. And, you know, where there's LC there's typically a Whitney...and an Audrina...and a Lo....and, I pray, a Lisa Loveless. Dreams can come true.

Oh, I Wanna Dance With Somebody

Don't you wanna dance, say you wanna dance, don't you wanna dance. And I'll officially kill myself now. Halle Berry was out and about on Robertson Boulevard the other day buying some expensive crap for her unborn bastard child. Halle is rocking her brand new home perm inspired by, always entertaining, Whitney Houston. I say, if that perm was inspired by Whitney Houston where are the receipts? Show me the receipts of that perm. Thank you, Diane.

Anyway, I realized that I hadn't written about Halle Berry in a while but when you mix some of my favorite things; unwed knocked up mothers, home perms, old Whitney Houston jokes, and a keyboard you really have no choice. Good luck with the baby Halle, I'm sure that your "gentleman greeter" must be looking a little bit more like your new perm each and every day. Cheers.

Friday, January 25, 2008

...In Other News...

Operation Sellout continues to make strides and go off without a hitch (whatever that means). Yesterday, your favorite dirt-bag blogger (IBBB) got to live out one of his dreams (non-Olsen related) and shoot a commercial! I got to play the main guy in this gum/tv show commercial and got to smile a ton, which I truly felt watching endless episodes of The Hills really helped me out. I mean, clearly, Audrina alone was pure inspiration to show my teeth. I'll fill you all in with more details, what the commercial is, and when it will start airing (I believe Feb 7th). Let me tell you though, if a national commercial can't get me in the Harriet Carter catalog, nothing will. I will not give up. I will never give up. Ok enough about me (for now). In other news...

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Brit Cam: The Return

Alright alright! So Britney swung by court yesterday for her visitation hearing and I believe she made it into the building, but never into the actual court. Oh, and who cares. I was psyched because that means that the crazy cats of had their cameras streaming a live feed from outside the courtroom. Now, they weren't live for that long (unlike the last time), but it was nice to seem some additional characters walking by. Let's take a look.

"Man Who is Ok With Crossing Legs" was outside for a while. He just kept on cross his legs and switching leg positions for a good 5 minutes. He's smiling, warming his nuts with his hot coffee and is completely comfortable with being a man, crossing his legs, and crushing his sex weapon. He, too, is easy and breezy.

Why hello "Lost Asian Businessman!" Lost Asian Businessman looped the block about 4 times before he finally found his destination. "LAB" typically looks quite confused by all the cameras, but deep down wishes he was standing out there with his camera too. Hell, his camera is almost guaranteed to be packed in his briefcase for that "just in case" opportunity or to have someone take a photo of him alone at the mall in front of the food court. Good luck in your meeting Lost Asian Businessman!

The Camera Yeller fits right in with the rest of the crazies standing there because I caught her more than once looking directly at the camera and yelling. About what, you ask? It makes no difference. The typical Camera Yeller may look familiar to you from such events as "background person during a live newscaster report on the streets of your hometown" as well as "that drunken girl who is screaming swear words directly into the camera at her cousin's wedding." The Camera Yeller is likely to be a repeat offender, even after witnessing her own behavior.

Better hurry quick because this dude is on a mission to deliver Mr. Brady's plans. He's learned the art of running quickly with Mr Brady's plans from the episode of The Brady Bunch in which the bratastic kids are trying to deliver Mr Brady's plans whilst enjoying themselves at the amusement park. Therefore I am just going to name this guy, "Mr Brady's Plans." He's quick with the plans, can run with them, and can easily and accurately hand them off to the next "runner" when needed. Escalators and/or moving walkways do NOT slow down Mr. Brady's Plans as he is quite the professional.

Hey Chandler! Where's Monica and Rach? We're all glad you're showing your support for Britney and her court appearance, we just ask that you take the appropriate measures to stop looking like the fat Elvis.

Well that concludes another installment of "Brit Cam." Hopefully TMZ keeps this crap up as, to me, it never gets old.

Brit Cam: The Return

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

...In Other News...

Tyra had John Edwards on her show to discuss presidential politics and by "presidential politics" I actually mean discuss "Tyra" and eat Wendy's. Tyra. I'm sure Tyra tried to convince him that she was the inspiration for the original Wendy's girl. Tyra. Hopefully Tyra also have John Edwards pointers on how to smile with his eyes. Tyra. That may help him win. Tyra. It worked for some of the skanks on America's Next Top Model. Tyra. In other news...Tyra...

Harriet Carter: She Just Won't Die

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It seems like just 7 days ago it was Harriet Carter Wednesday. Funny the way the calendar works. It's all tricky and stuff. Anyway, this week Harriet continues to try and sell us crap that 100% confuses me, yet keeps me entertained. I'm still going strong on my campaign to be in the Harriet Carter crapalog...maybe posing with a child? I'm just kidding, a court order prevents me from doing so. Anyway, enough about me. Let's go!Product # 1 - Hey crazy! Are you trying to get yourself all purdy but your dang-dung glasses keep getting in the way? Well now you no longer have to suffer thanks to eyeglasses that apparently come apart so you can put on some white-trash eye makeup. I'm not even sure what this lady has in her hand. It looks like a scalpel to me. Just do it lady! Do us all a favor. I'm also not too sure how this contraption works. Do these attach to your existing glasses? Is this a whole new pair of glasses? One may never know. Also, is that Meredith Viera wearing these? Hmmm can't be. This chicks teeth are too white. Ok, so I've been studying this picture for about 10 minutes and I can't figure out the eyes. If she is putting makeup on her left eye (my left) why would she have both eyes pointing to the right. Oh wait, that's where the mirror comes in handy. Anyway, I say once your makeup is on just right don't even take these glasses off. Keep them on and wear them as you run all your errands. Hell, make a game out of it. See how many "special" discounts you can get. Up the ante by carrying an empty mug with you and see how many people just start tossing spare change in it. For even more bonus points, carry a blind persons walking stick and see if you can get one of those awesome seeing-eye ponies donated to you. If you get it, can I have it? I want to ride one of those to work, right up 7th Ave! Thanks Harriet for selling broken glasses to the dumb public.

Product # 2 - Easy there fella. Don't be so down in the dumps because you haven't had "adult relations" (I try to keep things clean, as you know) with an actual woman in a while. I know, I know you're just in a rut. Maybe it's because you're eating bowls of popcorn on the couch and look a little to excited to be watching TV? I won't judge. Well gentlemen, don't let your sex weapon get too rusty or you'll never never get to use it and it will totally fall off. It will, trust me. I've been close before. Now, thanks to Harriet Carter (and possibly several Indian children chained to a sewing machine of a hot and dusty sweatshop) you don't have to be alone anymore! Rejoice! Rejoice! You too can now have your very own Girlfriend Pillow with old lady grandma fingers attached! Snuggle up with "Headless Pillow Girl" on those extra lonely nights and you'll never find the need to go out to meet a real live woman again. Rest your head on her fake pillow boobs and wrap your sexless hand around her cut-off waist. Next, simply place her only arm (with bracelet) around your neck and let the magic really start flowing. Hell, go crazy and even place her the popcorn bowl and let her feed you. Oh yeah, that's the stuff. I mean, let's face it, a one-armed, headless, legless woman. What's better than that? God bless you Harriet Jasmine Latoya Carter. God bless you! There really is someone out there for everyone!

Product # 3 - Brrrrrr. Shit it's cold out. I wish I had my very own heated ice scraper so that I could scrape the fake ice off my cartoon car that's covered in fake cartoon snow. Hopefully it's not too windy so that fake cartoon tree doesn't fake fall on me! Oh, and fake. I say bravo to this chick who is working her many acting talents that include "cleaning non-existent car." She's like the weatherman of photoshoot acting. Oh well, just another bullet point on her acting resume. Wait though, I have a question. How come they couldn't demonstrate this on an...oh I don't know....actual car? I typically don't buy products that are demonstrated on cartoons (except for that one time I bought a "pin the boobs on the Jessica Rabbit" but that's clearly another story for another time). And you know that "Failure Model Chick" is PISSED she didn't get cast for this shoot. It's right up her alley, as she is used to covering half of her face for the Harriet Carter catalog. Perhaps she just isn't as well versed in "cartoon demonstration." She might as well just stick to back scratchers, oversized blankets, and eye cream. We can't all be the Meryl Streep of the catalog now can we?

Product # 4 - What kind of demon had to exit your ass for you to need this power drill (??) to clean your toilet bowl. If you need actual motorized equipment to clean your toilet you need to see a specialist. And, if you need something like this because you "shat" out your entire weeks worth of dinners don't you think you should be wearing special plastic gloves and perhaps a HazMat suit? Goggles? I'd think so. I would, however, like to thank the people of Harriet Carter for not actually showing us what's in that toilet. Although, I wouldn't mind seeing a little cartoon sludge with squiggly lines coming out of it that represents "the stink" but I am grateful of not showing the real thing. I bet Harriet takes some mean mean mean dumps or "Shasta McNasty's" as I like to call them. At that point I would just buy a new toilet. Maybe keep a few extras in the garage for that "just in case moment." At the very least, at least make sure you hide that equipment when company comes over. I mean, save that surprise for the yearly family Christmas letter. Don't ruin it! Thanks Harriet, you shitty-pants beast!

Well, that concludes another installment of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday, the weekly gift that keeps on giving. It really does give until it hurts. And it hurts bad.

Mariah, Boobs. Boobs, Mariah. Repeat.

What in the hell? Mariah Carey was relaxing on the beach somewhere in the Caribbean when someone (paid or not paid) snapped a photo of Mariah and, of course, her rack-attack. Luckily (for her, not us) she has both a magazine and a glass to cover the girls so that she's not completely tits to the wind. While this, in fact, is disappointing I am appreciative of whatever Mariah's diet is that has removed her fat ass and mother-bearing hips. Oh, and she's 37. Good for her and/or whoever photoshopped this. Although I am missing the cameltoe that she seems to sport 4 times a week. I hope that reappears in the coming days.

Mariah has a new album, "That Chick" and a new movie coming out soon, so you know what that means. If both of these projects tank you can kiss those boobs (let me finish) goodbye and sit patiently as the fat ass comes back. Regardless, I'm still wishing for the "toe" to make a guest appearance. Good day.

Breaking News: Britney Still Alive

With all this talk of the death of Heath Ledger, in my opinion, no one is more psyched to have dodged the death bullet train quite like Britney Spears. Therefore I think that each day somebody should be breaking news that Britney is still alive. Maybe I'll do it. Scratch that, that's too much of a commitment. Anyway you know that even Britney herself is shocked that death snuck up on Heath Ledger and not her. She's all, "Yeeee Haw (spurs clicking, gun shots in the air) Try and catch me now, Death!"

Last night in California, Britney's car was hit by a motorcycle. Was Death there? Nope. She escaped that one as well. Britney was paying her cell phone bill at an AT&T store (pictured above) and it's like she's taunting Death, yet again. Tricky minx.

This would, of course, be the perfect time for Britney to really let loose and start living life. She could go out late, drink her face off, stop by several Starbucks, swing by court, drive by KFed's, etc, etc. No one will notice. That's not true. I'll notice. I'm always watching Britney. Well, that's not true either. Ok, when I'm not watching out for the Olsen Sluts, I'm watching out for Britney.
Oh well, you may have won this time, Britney, but Death is watching and waiting.
Britney - 6,489
Death - 0

MSNBC Wastes No Time

Nothing says, "Let's make some extra cash money off the death of Heath Ledger" quite like MSNBC purchasing If you can hear that crackling noise right now that's actually the sound of the fire sizzling in hell. I can, however, understand why they would need this website. Clearly MSN is in desperate need of money and as they always say, "every little bit helps."
Oh well, best wishes MSNBC, I'm sure this is awesome karma and this is coming from someone whose heart is already burnt and blackened and writes about Bindi Irwin being a bitch and also write open letters directly to Britney Spears' crotch. Perhaps my heart has grown today. I best snap out of this...STAT!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Heath Ledger Dead?

Breaking News: is reporting that Heath Ledger has been found dead in his SoHo apartment. and MSNBC are reporting that he was found dead by police surrounded by pills. Crazy. I'm not really a fan, but it's always crazy when a young celebrity dies all of a sudden. It's kind of like that "Anna Nicole Smith" factor, but I guess you kind of expected it from her. Well, that's a buzz kill.

Update: NY Times claims a masseuse stopped by his apartment for an appointment and when they knocked on his bedroom door no one answered so the housekeeper and masseuse opened the door, tried to make him, couldn't and then called the police.
I'm still a buzz kill.

...In Other News...

Lauren Conrad was captured in an "action shot" as she was leaving her new $2 million home yesterday. It's in Hollywood and it looks like the # is 1627. So, Hills fans, I would just start going to EVERY street in Hollywood and stop at #1627 and just start screaming "LC" and/or "Teeth" at the front door until someone comes out. Let me know how it goes. In other news...

~ Katie Holmes From Yesteryear ~ CelebritySmack
~ Bon Jovi Rocking Some Mullets ~ AgentBedHead
~ Oscar Nomination Palooza ~ PopBytes
~ Denise Richards Can't Whore Anymore? ~ Yeeeah
~ God Bless Victoria's Secret ~ POTP
~ Keira Knightly Wears All Her Jeans ~ Ayyyy
~ Charlize Theron Got Herself Some of Them There Smarts! ~ FatBack
~ Amy Winehouse is Cured! ~ DListed
~ Vanessa Hudgens Srubs the Skank Off Her Face ~ NinjaDude
~ I Spotted a Lohan ~ EvilBeet

J Lo: Just a Girl From The Bronx

Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx really is just a simple girl from the Bronx who's attending her simply Bronx-like baby shower at the Gramercy Park Hotel. Oh, her baby shower was thrown by Elaine Goldsmith-Thomas who produced J Glow in the "hit" movie "Maid in Manhattan." Other simple people that were in attendance were Leah Remini, Roberto Cavalli, Diane Sawyer, and Lupe Lopez. Keeping with the simple theme, the entire place was decorated in blue and pink and Swarovski crystal. One drunken eye witness claimed that J Lo looked "very pretty and very pregnant." Well let's hope so, as J Lo is pregnant. If she wasn't she'd basically just be having a party and stealing some gifts. Now THAT'S more Bronx-like. Just assuming.

Anyway, Saint Jennifer showed up wearing a black coat that kinda looks like those accordion folders and Marc Anthony really classed things up by apparently wearing grey Adidas running pants with black shoes, a see-through black sweater, and a coat that resembles what the crazy dude from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wore. Way to go that extra mile.

Who Said That!?

Britney Spears: A Braless Wonder

Britney actually made it to her deposition yesterday (too bad for her kids). I believe the word "deposition" is Latin for "No Bra Needed." I mean it is just court, so why not let your knockers swing in the wind and show everyone what you're really about. It's good to see Britney trying to cut back on her smoking too. I believe Marlboro Reds are the healthiest on the market at this time. Anyway, I would have loved to been a fly on the wall at that deposition. You know that when Britney walked into the room everyone, including Britney, all started to laugh. She's like, "I know, I know I'm here!" What slapstick hijinks. I'd be waiting for Mr. Furley to stick his head in the window and make his eyes bug out.

Sidenote, why does it look like her purse it's frowning?

Wanna Be on Top? No? Wanna Kill Yourself?

Dear Someone in Charge,

There is nothing I like more than an MTV marathon over the weekend to help cure a hangover. However I can no longer take 24 hour Tyra Bank's America's Next Top Model marathons. These aren't even marathons. I sometimes need to check to make sure that there really isn't a channel called, "ANTM." I don't understand it. Why? Why every weekend? Why the constant marathon? Sure, maybe a marathon every once in a while, but I don't think I can take this Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon crap. I'd be open to even watching old reruns of Singled Out and/or Punk'd Ok, I don't mean that. I'm just talking out of anger. Anyway, please stop at once.

The American Public

Friday, January 18, 2008

Bindi to Brit: Bring Your Bush to the Bush

Well well well. Bindi Irwin, that wretched little bitch, is at it again. Always trying to "help." Yuck. Do-gooder. Bindi and her bowl-cut-mullet sporting mother, Terri Irwin, are offering to give Britney some good old fashioned Australian help to get her through her troubled times. What troubled times? Britney's just having some innocent fun. Anyway, Terri doesn't admit to whoring out her brat-bag daughter, but she does admit that she and her family have been watching all the drama unfolding with Britney Spears in the past few months and she thinks that Britney should stop on by Australia for a little quality time with mother nature.
Terri has said, "Bindi's the one who said, 'People who are having trouble should go in the Bush with us when we do our crocodile research work.' If Britney and her family want to go in the Bush with us, we'd love to have them."
First off, now does Britney not technically qualify since she does not currently have "the bush." Must you have it to enter the Bush? I mean, she has time to grow it out (and style it) before she enters the Bush. God knows she doesn't do a lot with it when others try to enter her Bush. Just sayin'. Second, there is basically nothing I would love more in all of life than to see Britney, Bindi, and Teri in the Bush. I'm not even kidding. If someone could film that and make that into a reality show I would dedicate my life to watching it. I would quit my job and just watch it over and over and over again. You can only imagine Teri getting off of a Rhino and exposing her "gentleman greeter." Oh and then Bindi and Britney could have a "sing-off." Watching the animals react to that is basically the reward in itself. I hope this happens. Pray to your Jesus!

Who Said That!?!
Bindi to Brit: Bring Your Bush to the Bush

This Time Last Year: Dina Lohan

Memories, like the corners of my mind. I'd like to reintroduce a new little segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Dina Lohan and IBBB this time last year...

Yeee-haw! Dina Lohan is fightin' mad and she's gonna tip over her trailer in anger (...and cue the shotgun sound effect). Dina Lohan, friend and mother of Lindsay No Pants, recently spoke with Entertainment Tonight and blamed the media for being relentless in pursuing poor little Lindsay. Dina said,

"Lindsay is under a microscope. The media puts this ridiculousness out there. The helicopters are outside of our apartment. I mean, this child can't even go out to Starbucks without someone saying, 'Oh her hair looks..."

Well said Dina, well said. Your statement makes me think that you read my blog. Now if someone said, "her hair makes it look like the carpet doesn't match the drapes" then that was actually probably me. Yeah, that was definitely me. By the way, the "media" may put this "ridiculousness out there," but the media is also helping to put a ridiculous amount of cash-money in your daughters pocket and by 'daughters pocket' I actually mean your pocket. First, because your daughter doesn't have pockets since she never seems to wear pants and, second, because you know some of that money goes to you too.

Dina continued her rant by saying she thought the tabloids broke up the marriage of Nick and Jessica too. There's a lot of blame out there, Dina, but who do you blame for painting "witch-like" eyebrows on your face?

This Time Last Year: Dina Lohan

Getting to Know YOU!

Like Britney's southern and British accent, it's baaaaaack. Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU! Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingback. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the past week and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.
  • xmas boobs (because there isn't anything you can't ask Santa for)
  • tanning your boobs in the south of france (bring 2 passports)
  • how toi not have a spoiled asshle kid (teach them to spell)
  • "dump in her pants (valentines day gift ideas?)
  • beyonce singing on i wonder if the heavens got a ghetto (oh I hope it does, I really really hope it does)
  • britney church box (one of those words doesn't belong. you can guess which one)
  • can a 12 year old girl get her teeth whiten after getting her braces off (Audrina as a child?)
  • hot porn whores eat eggs on piano (again?)
  • how to send hate mail to jamie lynn spears (haha, glad I could help)
  • i did a line of coke off the toilet at burger king (either way, they're still not bringing back the Whopper)
  • i'm a teenager and i'm a slut (no, Dina Lohan, you're not a teenager)
  • i'm tired, could i be pregnant (yes, and if you sneeze you're having twins)
  • is julie chen anorexic (no, asian)
  • kidnapping little girls for ransom (i've already alerted Chris Hanson)
  • nuns gargle (and shave their beards)
  • pop up trailer (yeee-haw the Spears' are movin')
  • reba mcentire "nice rack" (really? reba? really?)
  • steve sanders started the sex tape rumor (wow, what have i started with that nickname?)
  • where are all the white people (idaho)
  • where did steve sander's brother come from? (his mothers "gentleman greeter")
  • white guy who watches Sabado Gigante (you found me!)
  • will a gas station attendant be fired for selling beer to a underage person in georgia (someone's feeling paranoid!)
  • you got jamie lynn spears pregnant (na-uh, no i didn't)
  • who is the guy from imbringingbloggingback (one day, one day)

Well that concludes another segment of "Getting to Know YOU!" Clearly many of you are still perverts, still paranoid, and still into white-trash. Clearly, you found the right place.

Getting to Know YOU!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

...In Other News....

Hey there - looking for a "hottest ticket in town" as quoted by the New York Times? Are you in the LA area? Will you be in the LA area on Saturday Feb 9th at 8pm? Well then go and check out "The Kinsey Sicks in Condoleezzapalooza." Learn more about the show by visiting and buy your tickets over at The show sold out last time so be sure to get your tickets NOW!

Pheeeew. Selling out is exhausting. In other news...

~ New Ashlee Simpson. Does it Match the Drapes? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Kate Moss Shows a Little ~ AgentBedHead
~ Dr. Phil Pissed Off Oprah ~ PopBytes
~ Paris Hilton, More Bird-Like Than Ever ~ POTP
~ More Tom Cruise Crazy! ~ Yeeeah
~ Paula's New Lover ~ FatBack
~ Lindsay Lohan, Every Color of the Rainbow ~ NinjaDude
~ Janet Jackson Kinda of Alien-like ~ EvilBeet
~ Britney Smells and is Loving It ~ DListed

Cloverfield Premiere. Uh, Ok.

Now, can you tell if a new movie is going to suck based on the people that show up to the premiere? Well the premiere of the new movie, Cloverfield, had a real cast of characters walk across the red carpet. I believe Cloverfield is a movie about New York City being destroyed. Hmm, sounds safe. Anyway, every random celebrity under the sun stopped by for this premiere. First and foremost, my personal hero (next to Guy Smiley), Joel McHale walked the red carpet and even did a little "pretend pissing" near the Statue of Liberty. Brilliant. Joel rules and I am completely comfortable admitting that I have a man-crush on him.

Next up, of course, Heidi Montard and Steve Sanders (aka Spencer Pratt) made sure that Heidi's new nose was camera ready. Uh-oh, look who's wearing their reality engagement ring again! That was me pretending I actually cared about it. I did that one for the kids.

Then, there's my second crush, Kristin Cavallari. Why does her face look different? Perhaps it was mandatory plastic surgery in order for her to appear on The Hills. Regardless, me gusta Kristin Cavallari.

Finally we have everyones favorite, Lindsay No Pants. This was Lindsay's first red carpet event since she gave up the booze and Lindsay apparently took her best hair out of moth-balls for the night. Does anyone tell her that crap doesn't look close to real? Oh well, if it keeps her off the bottle....