Friday, February 29, 2008

Jamie Lynn Spears Was a Mistake. Awwww.

Poor Jamie Lynn Spears. First she was named partially after her father and partially after her mother, then she got knocked the hell up, and now her uncle is coming forward to talk with In Touch about how Jamie Lynn was actually a mistake. That's sweet as pie, but he should have waited until the holidays to tell her that. Perhaps jotting it down on her Christmas card? That's always an option.

Anyway, Uncle Spears, William, (or as I like to call him 'Uncle Billy Spears') tells In Touch Magazine that Jamie Lynn's dad, Jamie, was concerned when is wife Lynne told him she was pregnant because Jamie had a vasectomy right after they had Britney. Um, sprinkling a mix of powder and bleach on your winky isn't a vasectomy. Maybe that's how things roll in Louisiana, but that doesn't cut it elsewhere.

Uncle Billy Spears continued by telling the magazine that "Jamie got awfully mad. He said it couldn't be his." Wow. He must have been so mad that he could barely chew straws of hay on his porch and drink moonshine while shooting his guns in the air. Times are tough. Very tough.

Who Claims This!?

Oprah's Reality Show: Oprah's Big Give

I cannot wait for Oprah's new reality show to start up, called "Oprah's Big Give." I was hoping they'd title it "Oprah's Big Hips," but after many letters I sent to ABC requesting this were returned I guess they decided to stick with the original title. Boring. Anyway, I'm not really a big fan of Oprah's as I feel that people who came from nothing and had to overcome many horrific obstacles in their lives should not be rich later in life. Nope. The only people who should be rich are those that had privileged upbringings without struggle...especially none filled with dirty molestation - but I digress and digest as I am eating whilst I type.

Moving on. I'm pumped about her new show because I KNOW it's going to chock full of Oprah yelling and repeating herself and then yelling again. And I saw in the preview that John Travolta is making a cameo so I will be sitting by with a beer and some popcorn just to hear Oprah yell, "JOHN TRAVOOOOOOOLTA!" I'm hoping the focus is mainly on Oprah, though, and not the contestants. Actually, if someone could just film Oprah all day long (perhaps by using one of those fancy helmet cameras) I would quit my job and dedicate my life to watching Oprah just live life.

Alas that will not happen, so here's how the show will go down. Each contestant is given a photo, directions, and $2500. In five days you must change the lives of the needy and less fortunate. What they "don't" know is that in the end, the person who raises the most money actually wins $1 million. Or as Oprah will probably say, "$1 MILLION DOLLLLAAAAAAAAAARS!." I can't freakin' wait. I'm beside myself with excitement. The only thing that would make this better was if Della Reese was Oprah's co-host.

This Time Last Year: The Hills

Memories, like the corners of my useless mind. I'd like to reintroduce a new little segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with The Hills and IBBB this time last year...
  • Is it just me or is this season of "The Hills" like 549 episodes long? This episode really pulls from the bottom of the barrel and gives random Laguna Beach friend turned random The Hills friend, Jenn, a little camera time. It's Jenn Bunny's (??) 21st birthday and that can only mean one thing: Get drunk, say wicked stupid stuff that you don't think the cameras picked up on (they did pick up on it), and be as annoying as possible (almost as annoying as this site...I said almost). Will Jenn screw over Lauren? Will Heidi make herself look like even more of an ass? Will Steve Sanders create a new catchphrase this episode? Will Lauren do the "ugly cry?" So many questions, so little time. Below are some real philosophical thoughts I've had while watching this train-wreck of an episode.

  • Audrina actually thinks Steve Sanders put a spell on Heidi. Yup. She actually said that. Audrina, do you know you're not in a Mighty Mouse cartoon?

  • With all the money that Jenn's family has you'd think she would have gotten a nose job. No one is that comfortable with themselves. Yeah, I went there.

  • Is Whitney retarded? No, like I don't mean dumb, I actually mean physically challenged.
    Is MTV forgetting to hit the "censor" button? At one point Steve Sanders actually says to Brody "Chucks" Jenner that he needs to get in Jenn's back door. No really, he said that. Can you say that on TV? Jim Walsh would not stand for this, Steve.

  • Uh-oh "girls night out" at The Geisha house means "and cue the stereotypical "sake" shots and girls screaming."

  • Oh, by the way Jenn and Heidi are evil whores.

  • Who actually says the words, "he'll mack you ASAP"?? No really, who? Give me their names and addresses.

  • Um, does anyone know that Brody and Lauren were "fake dating?" Why do they all keep trying to hook him up with Jenn?

  • What's a "Jenn Bunney?"

  • Does Myspace pay MTV to have them reference Myspace in every episode?

  • Why do Lauren and Whitney always have to set up the flowers in a straight line at work? Is that work?

  • Jenn hooked up with Brody. Lauren seems surprised. Does she not know she's on a semi-scripted reality show?

  • Best line of the show, "He's a sucky person, he's a sucky person" ~ Lauren about Steve Sanders.

Will Lauren and Heidi be able to fix their friendship after the fight at the end of this episode? Will Jenn ever appear on another MTV California reality show? Tune in next week. Oh, P.S if you haven't read this entire post with a sarcastic overtone you have done yourself a disservice.

This Time Last Year: The Hills

Thursday, February 28, 2008

...In Other News...

32 more sleeps until the new season of The Hills starts. In other news...

~ Big Brother Contestant Fired, But Doesn't Know It Yet ~ AgentBedHead
~ If Whitney is to Sing for Charity, Where are the Receipts? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Hulk Hogan Skanks It Up ~ NinjaDude
~ Right from Fashion Week, You'll Be Wearing This ~ Ayyyy
~ Jessica Simpson to End War ~ Yeeeah
~ Gwen Stefani Gets Kinky ~ PopBytes
~ It Starts With Ketchup, Miley Cyrus ~ POTP
~ Get Caught Up on American Idol Before It's Too Late ~ AmericanIdol411
~ More Hollywood News ~ WeSmirch

America's Next Top Model. It's GREAT to be Homeless!

IBBB writer, Jenny, is back again this week to recap the crap out of America's Next Top Model Cycle 10. I must say I honestly think this is one of the funniest ones she's EVER written. Brilliant. Check out Jenny's thoughts on last nights episode below:
  • It's season 10 and I notice that there are MANY more shots of Tyra in the opening credits. They used to show past contestants/winners. She has no shame.
  • I really don't understand Marvita Grace Jones. Now I am not saying I myself am a supermodel, but I am pretty sure she is not.
  • Kim explains to us that she is not the dumb blond people think she is....Then she uses the word "exspecially."
  • The girls check out their new living situation and it seems as though several of the girls will be sleeping in one big bed. Nice. Just like cats!
  • This week they are staging a runway show in Times Square. Um, hello....Mr. IBBB? Don't you think you should have sent me on location to cover this? I could have reported live from your office window on the 40th floor via satellite webcast.....
  • Marvita Grace Jones walks the run way as though it is the Green Mile.
  • The girls head to Elite Modeling Agency to meet with Paulina Porizkova. She tells each of the girls their flaws....including bad skin, drag queen qualities and a smooshed face. Wow. And I thought IBBB making fun of little girls on Harriet Carter Wednesday was mean.
  • They all hop into a cab hummer. What?
  • Fatima tells Martiva she has a small, squishy face...This is after she whacked her in the head at the runway show. Marvita calls her the only mean African she has ever met. I officially hope Marvita kicks her ass.
  • This week's photo shoot has the girls posing as homeless people. That's good Tyra. But I'm pretty sure that homeless people don't travel with professional makeup artists, stylists and photographers.
  • Tyra has gone all high-tech on us gang. Her Tyra Mail is now electronic. No more old fashioned paper and envelopes. I don't think the interweb will catch on though.
  • "Mean-a Paulina" is the new celebrity judge.
  • Tyra takes this opportunity to tell us that she chose the homeless motif because it is an issue that is close to her heart. She says "On MY show, the Tyra BANKS show, I was homeless for a day." Yeah, a day....not for nothin' Tyra, but it's not very believable when you get to "take off" your homeless make-up and homeless clothes and jump into your Mercedes to drive home to your penthouse.....But I digress.
  • Tyra gives the girls advice when reviewing their pictures...This advice consists of Tyra saying "you should have done this" while straightening her shoulders and turning her head.
  • Kim announces that she doesn't find fashion interesting. They act as if she just announced that she is in Al Qaeda. Tyra asks her if she would like to go home. Kim says "yes" and literally turns and walks out the door. Um, I don't think Tyra meant right this VERY second...but she did use the word "exspecially" so we really shouldn't expect much.
  • Atalya gets the boot. I wonder if she'll run into Kim in the hallway because Kim is lost and can't find the exit. Til next time.....

Previous ANTM Recaps

Olsen Twins Coffee Table Book. Ironic?

The Olsen Sluts are in the process of writing a coffee table book that will feature "the most interesting, challenging, creative people we know" - said one of the Olsen's. It doesn't matter which one said it. What's ironic is that I'm currently in the process of writing a coffee table book about how I suspect that coffee stunted the Olsen twins growth. It will be more of a "who shot JFK" approach where I will try to trace back Uncle Jessie, Ant Becky, and Uncle Joey sneaking cups of coffee to Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen on the set of Full House. Now I haven't found anyone who wants to publish it or anyone who will read it, but I plan on sending it to Oprah and once she names it as the "must read" for her book club, my life will be changed for ever.

Anyway, some people that will be in the Olsen's book are: shoe guru Christian Louboutin, actress Lauren Hutton, photographer Terry Richardson and writer Bob Colacello. The book titled, Influence" will be out in the Fall. If you've ever dreamed of having an Olsen or two sitting on your coffee table, now's your chance!

Oh and, by the way, my book will be called, "The One Where Michelle Fell Off the Horse and Lost Her Memory." Catchy.

What Has Tyra Done!?!

What has Tyra started!?! It seems like everywhere I turn there is another celebrity that has the official Tyra Banks hairdo. It's even crept its way into poor little Suri Cruise and her den mother, Tom Cruise. I don't understand it. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it. Maybe it's just over my head. Regardless I'm tired of seeing all these Tyrabots roaming the streets and on the cover of magazines. It starts with the Tyra cut and then next thing you everyone is "smiling with their eyes" and "acting hoochie, but making it fashion." What will become of Tyra? Will she just disappear into a crowd of bangs? Wait, is that her plan? And, more importantly, why is everyone ashamed of their foreheads? They'll get out of a limo airing out their "gentleman greeter" while the paparazzi snaps pictures of it, but they're careful to cover up their foreheads. Unless they have vagina's on their forehead there really is no reason to cover it. Let it breathe! Air it out! Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, Tyra please stop mass producing Tyrabots. Thanks.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

...In Other News...

Harriet Carter: Bird Poop. Exactly.

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! I'm thinking that Harriet Carter should start her own reality show. It would be a cross between The Apprentice and America's Next Top Model. You'd have to model the most ridiculous products while also trying to sell them to white-trash viewers. Who's in? Anyone know how to make/pitch a reality show? I think I'm onto something. Anyway, this week Harriet is helping us do a sexy exercise, clean up bird mess that apparently is all over the place, have a trippy piss party, and teach a little bitch to bake brownies. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Having bird shit problems? Don't have access to water? Well now you can say goodbye to the bird crap that is, apparently, not only all over your car but all over your walls as well! I'm not sure if those are birds on the bottle or flying ghosts, but either way they are crapping their way to freedom. I'm not sure why they're showing the car though because I'm pretty sure that's not bird crap, it's actually a starfish on the windshield. Do they sell anything to get rid of starfish stuck to your windshield? If so, let me know because I have a windshield covered in starfish. Now why would one need this remover for bird crap on their walls? Walls. What in the holy hell must your house look like if you have bird crap on the walls? If this sums up your house and you know me, please do not ever invite me over for dinner. If you have bird shit on the walls you are more than likely to have cat piss in the rug and rabbit poop on the counter. If you have bird crap on the walls problems why not just close your door and windows? This way....wait for it....wait for it....the birds can't get in. I know, brilliant concept. This product is, however, like body wash for the homeless. Pick up some bird droppings remover for your favorite neighborhood homeless man or woman this holiday season! Thanks, Harriet, for letting us know what your living room probably looks like.

Product # 2 - When I piss I want to have a party, a real party! I'm not going to walk into the bathroom and just pee in a boring white toilet like a caveperson. Nope. I want to celebrate my bathroom break with flashing lights all over my toilet because peeing, after all, really is a party in itself. Finally a reason to bring my glowsticks and pinata into the bathroom with me! I take a few swings of the pinata, pee into my glowing toilet, snap some pictures, and immediately add it to my Myspace page. But don't just stop there. Let the party continue with other fun ways to celebrate too. Enjoy bobbing for apples at Halloween? How 'bout bobbing for e-coli in your very own sparkly light up toilet! Bring the kids! Want to heat things up with your wife/husband? Well dim the lights, drop some rose petals (and some acid), grab their hand, and walk them into the bathroom. Dancing by the light up toilet will bring back memories of your highschool "Under the Sea" dance. Romantic and bright! Thanks, Harriet, for inventing the pee party! Filth.

Product # 3 - Can you get pregnant from this? I think you can. Now this is either a security system or an innovative way of running indoors. Whatever is hidden behind that door must be priceless because this chick (who may be Failure Model Chick) will stop at nothing to try to get into that room. I'd say just turn the doorknob, but this looks like a fun way to try and open the door too. Practicing your puppet skills has never been easier. How many calories does one burn by doing this? Wait, is this some sort of sex machine? Bingo! I think I just guessed it. Harriet is selling sex to her customers. Finally this is all making sense to me. Now I always figured you needed two people to use a sex machine, but apparently Harriet is on to some new form of sex that I don't know about. It all makes sense. The bungee cords, the spandex shorts, the door knob. S-E-X M-A-C-H-I-N-E. Got it. Be careful, though, not to accidentally place your foot in the hand strap because you are sure to "become a woman" that way. I'd love for someone to open that door from the other side and have this "exercise champ" go flying right into the other room. Remember folks, always wear protection. In this case that consists of a helmet and elbow pads. You'll thank me later. Thank, Harriet, for reinventing sex!

Product # 4 - What happens you mix the DNA of Bindi Irwin, Abigail Breslin, and Dakota Fanning? You get this little bitch, "Grandma's Helper." Oh yeah, she's helping alright. She's helping you to an early grave. She's trying to act all cute with her plate of homemade brownies, but she has that sassy little smirk on her face because only she knows that she really cooked you up a batch of shit-bricks. The apron comes with two helpful front pockets. One pocket is for her Ritalin prescription and the other pocket is for her "stabbing stick." As soon as you turn your back you totally know that "Grandma's Helper" is smearing butter all over the stairs and banister and is cutting her little brothers hair, but not before force-feeding him her shit-bricks. Ugh. Look at her with her clenched fist. Go to close to that plate and she's likely to clock you right in the chin, pull your hair when you fall, and scream obscenities directly into your face as the tears are flowing down your face. You think of crushing up all of her Ritalin pills and mixing it into her applesauce as the thought of spending time in prison away from this little hellion is like a tropical vacation for you. But, don't do it. Look at little face! It's saying, "I made these shit-bricks and I'll suffocate you in your sleep." You need someone like that on your side. Trust me.

Well that concludes another segment of "Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday." I'm sure to go to hell!

CLICK HERE to Become MYSPACE Friends With the Mastermind Behind Harriet Carter Wednesday!

Rihanna & Chris Brown: Who's Holding Who?

The Interweb is on fire and people are legit losing their shit like Jesus has come back to earth for a little victory tour when a photo of Rihanna and Chris Brown was discovered of them playing in a pool together. Now I don't really want to write about this, but I feel like since everyone else is talking about it....I should too? It's kind of like when you're walking somewhere and everyone is stopped and looking up at the stop and look up at the sky too just because you don't want to miss out on whatever they are looking at, but you don't really see it, but you pretend you do and then once you see it on the actual news later that night you tell people you know that you were on the street and saw it...even though you didn't. Well, this Rihanna/Chris Brown story is kinda like that for me.

Anyway, Rihanna and Chris Brown were Jamaican Me Crazy in Jamaica over the weekend and spent some time together in a pool, that I can only suspect tests positive for high amounts of piss. Just a thought. Moving on, these two crazy cats arrived in Jamaica after being in Barbados for the Smile Jamaica Africa Unite Bob Marley celebration in which Rihanna performed. I'm not sure if Chris Brown is holding Rihanna or if Rihanna is holding Chris Brown. Either way I added the umbrella with my slick photoshopping skills. You're welcome.

Source It Up!

Heidi and Steve Sanders "Film" at Kitson

Busy busy busy! Heidi Montard and Steve Sanders were "working" while at Kitson on Robertson Blvd in Hollywood recently. I say they're working not because they will eventually be retail clerks at Kitson, but because they were in process of filming for an original episode of "The Fit" which will air on Myspace. You can check out these two characters on April 15th (tax day??) and, trust me, I will be sure to recap the piss out of it.

I think the name "The Fit" is fitting (no pun intended. no wait, it is now). Are they talking about "the fit" of Heidi's new chin? Her new nose? New boobs? New lips? Sky is the limit. It's stories like these that get me pumped for the new season of The Hills. How many more sleeps before it starts!?!

Paris Hilton Shoe Shopping Cameltoe

Ah good times. Clearly, it's time to play everyones favorite game The ImBringingBloggingBack Cameltoe Rating the Stars! You know the rating system, you can be awarded up to 5 camels. Paris Hilton and one of the male versions of The Olsen Twins were out and about doing a little pointless shoe shopping when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Paris was struck down with a case of camelitis. I am awarding Paris 3 out of 5 camels. Originally I was going to give her 2.5 camels, but then I thought, "You know what? Paris' pants are the color of camels so let's award her another half camel to make it a whopping 3 camels." I really thought all that. I have problems. Many problems.

In other Paris Hilton news she is reportedly getting her own reality show again. This time she's looking for a new friend and will film her challenging journey. The writers strike is over. Do we really need this?

Special thanks goes to Shira from cyberspace who emailed me this photo just to show me the cameltoe. Now that's dedication to the cause. Thanks Shira! You win nothing.

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Gary Busey Calls Britney Spears a Loser While Yelling at 11 Year Old Girl. Cha-Ching!

For some reason Gary Busey is my new hero. It all started with him on the Oscars red carpet the other night and now a clip has surfaced of good old Gary basically yelling at a little 11 year old girl who is trying to interview him. It gets really awkward right from the beginning and I can tell I'm turning red while I'm watching it. Anyway he calls Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears losers, but then calls them children of God because, you know, that makes sense. He then continues on calling Paris Hilton a liar and says she does nothing. Ok, that I agree with. However, one of my most favorite moments is when they simply ask Gary to give a shout-out to the website that the little girl works for and Gary freaks out, covers the camera, and says he doesn't give shout-outs. Does he know what that means? They just want him to say hi to the website. They're not asking him to donate his kidney right there on the spot.
Thank God I'm not skilled and/or qualified to interview "celebrities" on the red carpet. I would have jumped over the red velvet rope and strangled him. Tool. I'm not sure who the 11 year old girl is, but I'm assuming she is a mix between Bindi Irwin and Abigail Breslin. I also have no idea what that means.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

...In Other News...

Being rich is a real hoot! In other news...

~ The Keira Knightley and Cousin Balki Connection ~ AgentBedHead
~ Who May Paris Be Making Sweet Intercourse To? ~ CelebritySmack
~ Brooke Hogan Can BenchPress Me ~ NinjaDude
~ Kate Moss Keeps Getting Work ~ PopBytes
~ Kendra Looks...Different ~ FatBack
~ Now You, Too, Can Look Like Winehouse! ~ POTP
~ Jamie Lynn Beat Book Learnin' ~ Yeeeah
~ Celebrity Tattoo Puzzle ~ Ayyyy
~ Even More News! ~ WeSmirch
~ Gisele Does the Naked ~ CityRag

Dina Compares Lindsay to Scarlett

I won't lie I don't like it when Dina Lohan quotes get past me. Like a stamp collector, I like to see and hear all Dina Lohan quotes and then place them in a sticker book because that's what I assume stamp collectors do. Huh? Anyway, my biggest celebrity crush, Dina Lohan, was talking to E! Online about her daughter, Lindsay No Pants, and then got all hell bent on Scarlett Johannnson. Here's what the Dinasaur said:

"Scarlett Johannson goes to clubs and no one cares about it. But if Lindsay goes to a club, it is world news."

Oh my dearest Dinasaur. I'm pretty sure Lindsay is not in the same league as Scarlett. First off, Scarlett is, thank God, not covered from head to toe in freckles. Second, I do not believe that Scarlett appears to be a club crack whore. She could be, I just can't be sure. Third, Scarlett performs wonderfully in movies that are nominated for real awards and Lindsay films movies that win razzies. When Scarlett goes out to "the clubs" (as the kids call it) she does not get photographed doing the following: falling into her car, falling out of her car, passed out in the passengers seat, screaming into the paparazzi cameras, chasing her friends and friends mothers up and down the Pacific Coast Highway, crashing her car while under the influence, and most importantly again - covered in freckles. Once those things happen then we can start to compare them. Until then, it's like comparing apples to freckly oranges (which Lindsay sometimes does appear as...freckly and orange).

I still love you though, my little tanned Dinasaur!

Dina Compares Lindsay to Scarlett

Jodie Sweetin Pregnant. Uncle Jessie, Where Were You?

Update: Even though I linked multiple times to the source of a sweet Jodie Sweetin story, they contacted me and requested I remove the pictures and shorten the story. Lame. I've decided to remove all of it, including their links, but I added a photo of Stephanie Tanner in her bee costume, just because. Geesh. Papouli would be extremely disappointed in them. Feel free to discuss your favorite Full House moments here. Boooo to them.


Oh I hope Jodie does a reality show. I totally want Ant Beck's to make guest appearances along with DJ's old boyfriend Steve, and that kid that played Stephanie's friend "duck lips." Then, on a bi-weekly basis they could specifically discuss the episode in which Papouli died and Michelle tried to cry, but looked like she was taking a crap while hugging Uncle Jessie. Hmm, speaking of Michelle, who's going to explain to her how Stephanie got pregnant? Maybe Uncle Jessie and Ant Beck's can demonstrate. They'll call it "doing their taxes." Bonus points for those of you who remember that episode.

2 Minute Recaps With Rachel Platt

Back by popular demand is "2 Minute Recaps." I can honestly say that this was such a success last week that I'm looking forward to doing this over and over again. I got a ton of emails about this and so, well you fed my ego, and I'm happy to continue this new weekly segment. A spinoff of "Harriet Carter Wednesday" watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you're new to this, check out last weeks explainer by clicking here. Now that we're all settled, here's my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making "Apple Tart." Hmm, fitting. Let's go:

  • Honestly, I can't love this any more than I already do. Rachel tells us that there's a trend lately that desserts "instantly give you diabetes." Seriously, what? I've NEVER heard of that trend before in my life.

  • Rachel asks the "chef" about what desserts she can make that won't overwhelm or kill her guests. I think that's actually pretty nice. I mean, I'm not sure how you technically "overwhelm" your guests with a dessert, but I'll take her word for it.

  • Please note Rachel has yet another glass of wine. This one is hardly even filled so you know she was tossing a few back before the director yelled "action!"

  • Rachel continues her assault on the word "ok."

  • Chef Will tells us to skin the apples using a carrot peeler. Now I, clearly, am not a chef but could I use an apple peeler to peel the apples or is using a carrot peeler better?

  • Question of the Episode Award: "Some dishes you want to keep the skin and some dishes you don't want to. Why?" Hmmm, well Rachel that's because that's called "a different recipe." Some recipes have ingredients like garlic while others don't. Make sense now? Good question though.

  • After Chef Will explains why the apple skin should be removed for this particular recipe, Rachel says a high-pitched "Ok." Let me translate that "Ok" for you. What Rachel really means by that is, "I don't believe you and I think you're wrong and I'm on my period, but I'm not going to argue with you, asshole."

  • Yuck. The finished product looks like someone did "#2" in a mini crockpot.

  • How does one pronounce the fruit, "apricot?" Isn't it "ahhh-pricot?" Why do they keep saying it like, "ape-ricot." Wow they won't stop saying it.

  • Question of the Episode Runner Up Award: "Now you're using apricot. Could somebody use their favorite jam?" No Rachel, they could not. In the state of Louisiana this is actually punishable by law. There is currently someone on death-row for using raspberry jam, but you take that chance.

  • Is Rachel a bit bipolar? She freaks out and yells for Chef Will to put down the plate so he doesn't burn his hands. Then she's all back to smiles a second later. She's a wild one.

  • Rachel's acting class skills pay off in 3....2....1 when she takes a bite and says, "Mmmmm."

  • For some reason she's still on her kick of how desserts can kill you because she ends the segment (right before she messes up and they decide to not edit it out) and says, "Remember a dessert doesn't need to land you in the hospital for 2-weeks...." Uh, does that really happen because now she's starting to freak me out. I'm about to eat some brownies, but I can't afford 2-weeks off of work because I'm in the ICU. Stick to the facts Rachel.

That concludes another segment of 2 Minute Recaps, the spinoff from Harriet Carter Wednesday. What a real treat. I heart Rachel.

Meet Skanky McWhore-Wife!

Hi everyone! I'm pleased to introduce you to reality televisions newest star, Skanky McWhore-Wife. It's nice that she hyphenated her last last name. She's, clearly, a class act. Skanky McWhore-Wife was recently on the new game-show on Fox, "The Moment of Truth" in which you must answer personal questions about your life in order to win money. You were hooked up to lie detector so these sick bastards know if you are telling the truth or not. If you're honest you win some money, if you lie you lose it all. Let's watch Skanky McWhore-Wife answer such fun-loving questions as: Would you rather be married to your ex-boyfriend than current husband, Have you ever cheated on your current husband, and do you think you're a good person. I wonder how she does? She seems nice.

True NYC Story

Sometimes I forget how entertaining New York can really be. This is a true story as I was walking to work yesterday.

So, as I was walking to work yesterday I passed many store fronts. Most of them have some type of mannequin in the window. As I was walking by one of them this lady, who I honestly didn't think looked that crazy, goes running up to the store window is pointing directly at the mannequin and starts yelling at the mannequin, "I'm going to f*cking kill you, you f*cking bitch!" I, of course, could not have been more psyched that I got to walk by exactly at the time that this lady went to town on the mannequin. I legit laughed the entire rest of my walk to work. I truly felt blessed. Hours later Flavor Flav and Snoop Dog walked directly by me with their "entourage" of like 15 people when I ran out to grab a coffee. I love New York.

Monday, February 25, 2008

...In Other News...

Mariah is Technically Frolicking

You may remember the picture of Mariah Carey with her boobs to the wind a few weeks ago on the beach, but now even more pictures of Mariah have been released. I believe these are photos of Mariah technically frolicking on the beach. More people should frolic and should say frolic. Anyway, Mariah is looking really good. There are rumors floating around that Mariah dabbles in cocaine everyone once in a while, but I say good for her. If it keeps the weight off then that's just a diet plan that works for her. Maybe Kirstie Alley wouldn't have to start up her own diet program if she just got back into coke. Just a thought.

In other Mariah news, her song, "Touch My Body" has debuted at Number 57 on the Billboard Charts. Isn't "We Belong Together" still at 56? Regardless it's good to see her doing well. Remember when people thought she was all crazy because she was passing out ice cream on TRL and then checked into the psych ward? Yeah, well compared to the likes of Britney and Lindsay, Mariah didn't seem so crazy after all. That'll be all.

Jimmy Kimmel is Fcking Ben Affleck

After Sarah Silverman went on Jimmy Kimmel's show to let him know that she was f'ing Matt Damon, Jimmy Kimmel retaliated last night after the Oscars to let Sarah know a little something too. Jimmy Kimmel is f'ing Ben Affleck and he may have won this celebrity f-off because he had half of Hollywood appear in his video singing about f'ing Ben Affleck such as Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt as a Fed-ex delivery guy, Harrison Ford, Cameron Diaz, Josh Groban, Robin Williams, Christina Applegate, Meat Loaf, Joan Jett, Don Cheadle, Macy Gray, Huey Lewis, Lance Bass, Rebecca Romijn, Pete Wentz, and more. Random, but good. I won't lie, I can barely make out what they're singing, but I get the overall message. Good day.

Tori Spelling: Reasons I Like Her

Seldom to I discuss celebrities that I like, but every now and then one slips through the cracks and warms up my blackened, burnt, and tiny heart. After seeing Donna Martin everywhere lately in the "news" it really got me to thinking....this sick bastard isn't so bad after all. Here's why I discovered that I actually kinda like Tori Spelling. Tori has just finished writing a book and is using her pregnant time to promote the piss out of her it. Hmmm, is that selling out? I admire that, really. Speaking of her book, Tori talks about her plastic surgery saying:

"If I knew the styles were going to be the way they are now, I wouldn't have gotten my boobs done in the '90s. The clothes now wear so much better when you're smaller. In the '90s it was all about big boobs in halter tops."

Ahhhh, big boobs in halter tops. Brilliant. As a side note, if I ever started a band the name of the group would absolutely be, "Big Boobs in Halter Tops." Thanks Tori!

Next up, Tori discusses how she delicately broke the news to her first husband that she was leaving him. Here's how that went down:

"I told him that I'd never been in love with him. I loved him and he'd been a friend to me, but I married him because he was a great guy, a guy who took care of me. Charlie didn't want to hear it. He kept saying, "Where's all this coming from? We have a perfect relationship." Then he turned to me. "Did you cheat on me?" I said yes. He said, "It was with Dean, wasn't it?" I said yes. He said, "I should have known."

Awww that's sweet. I guess no reason to beat about the bush. "Hi honey, wanna order out for dinner tonight?" "Sure and, oh, I never loved you. Let's do Sushi!"

Tori also talks about the crazy reindeer games on the set of 90210, including the pleasant Shannon Doherty. I can only hope there is an entire section dedicated to the episode when Ray Pruitt tossed her down the stairs and, of course, how she felt when Mrs Teasley caught her drunk at the prom and Donna Martin almost didn't graduate.

Source It Up

Hey There Creepy Gary Busey at the Oscars!

The Oscars couldn't be more boring, but that changed tonight when Gary Busey crashed an interview with Ryan Seacrest and Jennifer Garner. Luckily someone already tossed crazy Gary up on the "YouTube" that all the kids are wild about for your viewing pleasure.

Anyway, to recap the absolute crap out of Gary Busey's crashing, Ryan Seacrest was asking Jennifer Garner craptastic questions about what she was wearing (a dress, I'd assume) when Gary comes running over to tell Ryan that he's been looking for him for years. I believe it's at that point when Jennifer Garner look like she's in the process of doing "the poop" in her pants or dress for that matter. Assuming she's wearing underwear she is sure to have a nice sampling of skid-marks in that pair.

Gary comes back for more in a few seconds and gives Jennifer a bear hug and a kiss on the neck because, you know, that makes sense. In conclusion Ryan tries to interview Seth Rogan, but not before that crazy minx, Gary Busey, comes back for more and Ryan treats him like you would treat that dorky kid in your gym class by telling him you'll meet him "at the party later." Like a crack-whore in heat, Gary falls for the trick and this will now make it into Oscar history. Oh yeah, and the Oscars on too.

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They're Not Buying the Next Kid

There may be some financial troubles for the Jolie-Pitt's because it looks like they're getting more kids the old-fashioned making them. Sources close to Angelina (and my eyes) are telling us that Angelina and Brad are expecting a new baby and they are "very, very happy."
Uh-oh, way to rain on J. Lo's parade. How dare Angelina try to trump the baby news of Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx!
Angie and Bradly were all waxy smiles on the red carpet at the Independent Spirit Awards over the weekend and Angeluney made sure to pose to the side so that everyone could see and take pictures of the human that was growing inside her stomach. It's great that they've adopted in the past and it's also nice that they have kids by "making sexy" in the bedroom. They really are a well-rounded couple. I also don't know what that means.
Poor Jennifer Aniston. She's just trying to get a date to bring her to Easter Dinner, nevermind a 4th kid.

New York's Flavor of Tequila's Rock 2

Question. These are all the same show, right? Carry on.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Hide the Moonshine and Ripped Fishnets, Britney Can See Her Kids Again Y'all!

The noise you hear is Britney celebrating with 2 shotguns in the air because "the law" has decided that Britney can have visitation with her two kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One." There are a few rules that Britney had to follow though. Britney has to have her dad Jamie (not to be confused with her sister Jamie Lynn or her mother Lynne) and the wacky psychiatrist with her when the kids come over to play white-trash reindeer games and it has to be in a "therapeutic" setting. Perhaps she can just light a few candles and crank some Yanni on the boombox?

In case Britney and her "team" some ideas on what she can do with the kids, I've thought up a few additional therapeutic, yet fun ideas:

  • Getting cherry and/or grape Kool Aid mustaches
  • Spitting tobacco into a tin cup
  • Chewing straws of hay whilst sitting on a wooden rocking chair that's on the front porch
  • Figuring out a way to make mint-flavored moonshine
  • Similar to Pin the Tail on the Donkey, the kids can play "glue the tracks on Momma's new hair weave"
  • And finally, just shouting out "y'all" into a hollow sounding room

Who Claims This Smut!?!

Friday, February 22, 2008

...In Other News...

The Olsen Twins enjoyed some time together at a Candies party at Hyde in sunny Hollywood. I know. In other news...

~ Do-It-Yourself Hannah Montana ~ AgentBedHead

Saint Jennifer Lopez Gives Birth

Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx just gave birth. Ay! Ay! Ay! Looking at the recent size of her, I'm assuming she gave birth in a cardboard box underneath the basement stairs, but regardless she pumped out 2 kids. Un muchacho y una muchacha. That's Spanish for "a boy and a girl." Thanks for teaching me Spanish, Dora the Explorer!
The girl was born at 12:12 am (while I was sleeping) and weighed in at 5 lbs 7 oz and is rumored to be trying out to be a fly girl. The boy was born at 12:23 am (while I woke up to go to the bathroom) and weighing in at 6 lbs.

Rumor has it that when it was taking the kids a long time to come out, J. Glow belted out such wondrous tunes as "Waiting for Tonight" and "If You Had My Love" until the babies bolted out kicking and screaming (similar to the way I react when I hear those songs).

We don't know these names of these two yet, but I'd like to make the recommendation that we name the girl "Richer than Rich" and we name the boy, "Set for Life." Anyway, congratulations Saint Jennifer and Ricky Martin on the birth of your kids. Me gusta la ventana!

Who Claims This!?

American Idol Recap: Who Goes Home

Ah yes, the Idol is back and is just about ready to kick off 4 people so I thought it was the perfect time to recap that absolute piss out of last nights episode. Who stays? Who goes? How many times will Simon ask Paula what Ryan said? How many peace finger signs will Randy throw up? How many different ways will Paula clap during the show? All this and much much less is answered below. Here's how the shitstorm went down:
  • Perfect! Simon already asked Paula what Ryan just said and Paula whispers that she can't hear him. Really? He's standing about 5 feet from you and is talking directly to you. Why is Paula all normal during the first few audition episodes, but then turns into everyones crazy medicated grandmother during the live shows?
  • Randy's dressed like he's heading to the sock-hop right after the show.
    Paula is trying to say that these kids should have tried to get record deals before they tried out or they shouldn't be on the show. At least I think that's what she said. She may have been discussing a recipe for chocolate chip pancakes with a side of home-fries. I've lost track.
  • Is Ryan fat this season?
  • Oh crap. Now's just about the time when I get embarrassed for myself. The guys are singing as a group and are dressed in suits. That one kid looks like Vanessa Minillo. I forget his name. And the kid with the long blond curly perm looks like Farrah Fawcett.
  • Great, here come the girls. Many of them have scarves on their heads. They are now officially dressed for their 60's routine?
  • Wow, it's only been 12 minutes and I already hate myself more this time this year then last year when Idol was on. This must be a record.
  • David Archuletta is officially the Melinda Doolittle from last year.
  • Oh, the kids name is Danny Noriega. He's the one who looks like Vanessa Minillo.
  • Jason Castro, for sure, will shoot the place up if he's kicked off. For sure.
  • The kid who looks like Farrah Fawcett just got the boot.
  • Garrett, clearly, did such a good job the other night that he got the boot and gets to sing his crappy song again. Why is his mom on stage? He's totally gonna get stuffed into a locker for that on Monday.
  • Amanda Overmyer. Not only does she look like my old lunch lady, but I believe this chick is currently on Big Brother. Is that possible? Maybe they let her out of the house 3 times a week for the Idol?
  • Katie Malloy is the skank of the season...I hope. Someone check myspace.
  • They tried to pull the old switcheroo with Kristy. She gets to stay, but Amy Davis gets the boot. Good luck with the porn career Amy!
  • Paula just told her to "paint that door and that knob." Huh? She really said that. Does Paula smell burnt toast? Is she having a stroke?
  • Holy Mc Skat Cat! They're playing Paula Abdul's new music video, which I believe it titled, "Dance Like There's No Paula Abdul." I'm already turning red. Oh crap Randy is playing the guitar. Is that Tila Tequila in the background dancing? Oh God this would be like watching your parents singing on stage. Gulp.
  • Remember when they stretched out Paula Abdul's body for the "Promise of a New Day" video? That was brilliant. I miss those days.
  • What is the point of this show? Paula is just basically selling herself. I'm confused. Is this still a singing competition?
  • Joanne got the boot and looks like she couldn't care less. I know I couldn't.
    All the other girls are crying like they are spraying Joanne with bullets as she sings. There's a war going on. This is ok.
  • Colton gets the boot. Vanessa Minillo is already crying in the background.
  • Simon tells Colton to get a job and sing on the side because he'll never make it as a singer. Awesome. This kid should be on dirt nap watch.

This is finally over. It's painful. Wanna read more about American Idol? Check out this site: American Idol 411

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Katie Mocks Tom, I Mock Both of Them

It's nice to see the visual definition of "shit eating grin." Katie "Curly Sue" Holmes and Tom Cruise were robotic hand in robotic hand at the "First Annual Essence Black Women In Hollywood" event at the Beverly Hills Hotel the other night. This is fitting as I've always viewed this couple as 2 strong black women.

They do say that couples start to look like eachother after a while. I actually think Katie has replaced her old teeth with a little something more "Tom tooth-like." I would also like to take this time to state that Katie Holmes is 29 years old. 29. No, not 49. 29. She looks like she's about to shoot a commercial for Boniva.

Source It Up!

Hey Heidi! Why the Long Face?

We wouldn't be able to close out the week without a little Heidi Montard, now would we? Heidi called the paparazzi and they all headed out to try on some clothes and take pictures of Heidi at, where I can only assume is, Sears. Not that there's anything wrong with Sears, but I just feel that Heidi's hair would more than likely smell like a Sears Bed-in-a-Bag. No? I think you know I'm right.

I'm not quite sure why Heidi's new boobs look like the plastic He-Man chest that I used for my Halloween costume when I was little, but I digress. Regardless it's great that Heidi has the paparazzi "following" her around wherever she goes. I can only hope to get to that status at some point in my life. Although I would be much more interesting than Heidi as I would have the paparazzi filming me ordering a medium iced-coffee with extra milk and a plain bagel, toasted, with plain cream cheese on it from Dunkin Donuts. I think people will really want to see pictures of that and, hell, I want people to see pictures of that. Someday.

Hi Janet Jackson! Please Stop That.

Hi Janet Jackson. How are things? For a 72 year old woman you still looking amazingly hot, but I have a bone to pick with you. I had my boombox cranked up to 7 yesterday when your new song "Feedback" came on. I had heard it a few times before so I figured I would give it a chance. Here's what I heard and here's what I think.

You sing: Strum me like a guitar, blow out my amplifier. When you hear some feedback keep going take it higher. Crank it up, give it to me come on. Crank it up, give it to me come on.

I think: Janet must be singing about making sweet sex to someone. Perhaps a guitar. Perhaps a car jack. It's hard to tell. Regardless, she's singing about porking her way to freedom.

You Sing: Flyer than a pelican, find another chick better then I don't see her. Cause my swag is serious. Something heavy like a first day period.

I think: For the love of all that is good and holy in this world, please stop. Look Janet, clearly Ms Jackson at a time like this, but you're still hot. You could be clubbing baby seals and artificially inseminating a cow with your hand, but if you were topless while doing this you'd still be hot. Wanna know what makes you not hot at all? Saying things like, "something heavy like a first day period." Now I've tossed some smut around on this site from time to time, but the thought of your heavy first day period is just about, well, all I can really take.

What's with these people lately? First Jane Fonda drops the c-word on the Today Show and now Janet is singing about "that time of the month." What ever happened to the simpler says of the Olsen Skanks singing, "I'm the Cute One?"

Anyway, in closing, please stop this at once. Thanks, in advance, for your cooperation.

Um, Christmas is Over, No?

I haven't had a rant in a little bit, so now is the time.

I may not be the best with math (or spelling, or grammar, or politics, or science, or religion, or cats) but I'm almost positive that Christmas ended over two-months ago. How do I know this? Well, I checked my calendar and counted the days. You see, Christmas ended at midnight on December 25th. "Little Christmas" ended on January 6th. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that Christmas is over because it seems that wherever I drive around, some houses are still decorated for Christmas. How so? Well, some people still have their wreaths hanging on their front door and over their front windows. Some still have lights on their bushes AND they're still turned on at night. Many still have their electric candles in their windows and they, too, are still turned on. It's one thing to "forget" to take these down, but you are intentionally turning them February...your lights....your Christmas February...on. Why would one do this? Every time I see this it makes me crazy. Sometimes I am tempted to get out of my car and knock on their door and ask them what they are thinking. Sometimes I want to just take their lights and wreaths down myself and just leave a note on their front door that says, "You're welcome."

Seriously? These people that own these homes better be dead inside and that's why their stuff is still up. No joke. Whenever I still see their lights on I always think that they must be on a timer and that the owners are passed out on the kitchen floor. That has to be the only explanation. Look, I'm not trying be the Grinch, but Christmas is clearly over. How would you like it if I kept my house decorated for Halloween all year round? Same thing. Better yet, for every additional day that I see your Christmas stuff up I am going to go to your house and sing Christmas carols in front of it until you either shut your stuff off or give me money. Oh, and I'll ring your doorbell every day and ask if you want me to shovel your driveway. I can do this well into the summer.In closing, please take down your Christmas crap. Christmas ended months ago and you're confusing the kids in the neighborhood. Thanks, in advance, for your cooperation.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

...In Other News...

America's Next Top Model Season 10 Recap

Alright alright! America's Next Top Model Cycle 10 is back in action and so is ANTM recapper Jenny. I've given her a raise to recap each episode of ANTM so she is not making $0.19 an hour. Thank God the writers strike is over. Let's take a look at Jenny's thoughts on last nights episode of America's Next....Top....Model....
  • It's another cycle of ANTM and I bet this will be dramatically different than the other 9 cycles. There probably won't be any bitches, cry-babies or psychopaths this time. I bet Tyra won't talk about herself at all, and Miss Jay will have a man's haircut.
  • Ok, I don't know what just happened, but the girls are taking photos in catholic school uniforms. This reminds me of when I went to catholic school and the nuns would make us say Hail Mary's out loud as a class every time we heard a siren go by.
  • One girl looks suicidal and talks like she has a bottle of pills in her mouth.
  • Everyone shows up at a football game and ex-ANTM's are dressed up like cheerleaders. They scream some ridiculous cheer and are going to crown a homecoming queen.
  • When Jay announces they are crowning a homecoming queen, all the girls squeal nervously as they HOPE and PRAY that they are the victor. But you little hussies just got Punk'd because Tyra bursts onto the stage and as it turns out SHE is homecoming queen. If you have been following this show at all, you are not the least bit surprised by this. This is officially an acid trip.
  • Eeeeeewah! Some girl just asked the group if they wanted to check out her pubic hair. At this point I think she should be registered as a Level 3 sex offender
  • .....Cue the obligatory plus size model.....and cue the chick who gets in front of the judges and starts the "you don't know don't know what I've been through....I've been abused.............."
  • I'm not sure, but I think I just saw Grace Jones in this group.
  • For what seems like the next 6 hours, Tyra and the judges interview roughly 800 girls....or maybe 35 girls. Whatever.
  • One girl is drinking her own breast milk. In a surprise twist, Tyra and the judges also pretend they are drinking it. What a hoot. Shoot me.
  • It's time for the girls to run and scream like headless chickens to see if they are one of the finalists.
  • The finalists have to do their own hair and makeup and pose for class pictures. This is the final cut.....Winners get to move into the house in New York....and that WAS Grace Jones that I saw.
  • "Suicidey" is one of the finalists....great.
  • Ohhhhhh Tyra is sneaky....At the last minute she tells the girls that there will not be 13 finalists....there will be 14. Who cares? I am not impressed that since the last cycle Tyra finally learned to count to 14.
  • And so begins another season of America's Next Nightmare.

Super Heidi Boobs Brothers!

We're sorry Heidi, but your chin is in another castle! Steve Sanders (Spencer Pratt) continues his incestuous relationship with Us Weekly and tells them that there is a Heidi and Spencer video game in the works. Steve Sanders says, "We're definitely developing the Heidi and Spencer video game. It's top secret. Let's just say that everyone will be addicted. You can definitely play as us or you can play against us. You can even torture me."

Please, my sweet Jesus, let me help develop the scenarios for this game. I'm not even kidding, this is right up my (Kirstie) alley! Here's how it would go down:

Heidi would be searching for her old nose, old chin, old lips, and old boobs in every level of the game. Steve Sanders would be similar to that random fox that would follow around Sonic the Hedgehog (in the second version). Steve would be able to defeat enemies by eating them without blinking or moving his mouth. The princess, of course, would be Lisa Loveless and would give Heidi powers such as the ability to sing and perform beautiful arm and hand movements. Of course Elodie would we found in each of the warp zones and could power up Heidi by creaming her up with products by Jolie en Rose (

Other enemies that would be after Heidi would include, but not be limited to: talent, Audrina's teeth, Audrina's sisters tattoos, Lo, Lo's old nose, Justin Bobby, Audrina's helmet from Justin Bobby, Brent Bolthouse's combover, Emily the super intern (of course), Jen Bunney, Jen Bunney's old nose and new nose, the lines under Lauren's eyes, and Sandy Sanders (Stephanie Pratt) bad Emily Valentine perm.

Oh I pray that I get to work on this. Someone, for the love of God, write a letter to someone. Santa, perhaps?

Michael Lohan Not to Look at Daughter's Freckly Rack

With all the smut talk about daughter Lindsay No Pants and her newly exposed rack attack, Us Weekly asked Michael Lohan if he was going to take a sneak peak her Marilyn Monroe inspired knockers. Michael, the noble man he is, stated, "I'm not going to look at those photos - that's my daughter!" Like zoinks Scoob! Michael did not, however, comment if he would indeed motorboat Lindsay. As a top notch celebrity reporter I am in process of emailing that question to Michael as we speak.

Michael continued on by saying, "Lindsay is an adult, and she knows the direction she wants to take her career. It's her decision. The fact that the photographer [Bert Stern] who did Marilyn Monroe's pictures would ask Lindsay to re-create them...that's an amazing thing."

Yes Michael that is amazing. You know what else is amazing? The fact that your daughter is covered in red freckles, yet you do not seem to have any. Clearly she can blame that on Dina (the love of my life). I will try to reach Dina for comment too, but will assume she is in the process of tanning....and I don't want to disturb her.

Who Said This!?

Singer JoJo Says Sassy Things

Remember the little singer JoJo who sang, "Too Little Too Late" and "Leave (Get Out)?" Of course you do because these songs were played on repeat in the summer of 2006. You may also remember her from the open letter I wrote to her in 2006 letting her know that she was on her to becoming pregnant. I thought it was a touching letter, which you can read here.

Anyway, J. Jo is taking to her myspace blog and setting the record straight about the rumors that 2 people have heard about in regards to her passing up the opportunity to have played the role of Hannah Montana due to her crazy "busy" schedule. Well, that's not the case at all according to J. Jo. Here's what Skanky McSaggy Pants had to say:

"I was not interested in doing a television show like that because I did not want to be that kind of artist. I am more concerned with being a legitimate artist; not one created for the captive tween audience, from a television show. They were going to use the same formula that they did with Hillary Duff and her show, and I did not want to be a manufactured artist. I wanted to do it on my own; the old fashioned way; with talent, determination, and hard work, and without a television show, which is fed to the tween masses. This is the same reason I have turned down every reality show that has been offered to me, since I signed my record deal. For me, it is about integrity."

Uh yeah. I would have sold out in a second, clearly. I must admit, I'm liking how J. Jo is calling out Miley Cyrus and Hilary Duff. I think I could really help JoJo bring it to the next level though. She could have easily tossed in a joke about Miley's busted teeth and Hilary's sisters banged up nose. I'll cut JoJo a little slack though since she is still about 16 years old. It takes a little time for the heart to turn completely black, like mine, and you go straight to evil. Good day.

Crap! I Just Got Trumped By Rachel Platt and Harriet Carter!

What a world we live in. I try to sellout big time and eventually get myself into the Harriet Carter catalog and my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Pratt (also known as "Failure Model Chick) just trumped my recent success and stars in her own online 2-minute cooking show.

Someone left me this in my comment section, but never left their name so thanks "anonymous" for the tip. After further investigation I found all of Rachel's cooking segments. Now I always thought she could only model pig hats, neck braces, and oversized blankets, but obviously she has proved me wrong. I'm still not changing her nickname though.

Check out Failure Model Chick teaching us how to make a panini. She mentions that when she goes out to buy one it costs thousands of dollars and she has to put in on her American Express card. New York is pretty expensive, but I don't think there's a sandwich out there that costs thousands of dollars. Let's just stick to the fact, Rachel, shall we? Here's a quick recap (with fancy bullet points) of other things Rachel did:

  • When the "chef" shows her bread she actually asks, "what is it?" This is why she was stuck in a Harriet Carter catalog for so long.
  • Clearly a booze hound (awesome), Rachel takes a swig of wine. Hot.
  • She asks to smell the bread and then says, "Ok" after she smells it. Ok, it's bread....and such as.
  • Rachel constantly says "Ok" in this episode basically every time the "chef" says something
  • I think I almost see tears in her eyes when he talks about a pesto mayonnaise and Rachel kind of yells out all frustrated, "Ok, but how do you do that!" Uh oh....p-s-y-c-h-o!
  • I am literally crying laughing watching this.
  • Rachel then asks if you can make the panini on a regular grill or just "use anything." Yes, Rachel, just use anything. Make your panini in your washing machine.
  • I think that little minx is flirting. She better not be cheating on me.
  • Rachel never eats the damn sandwich because it's too hot. I don't see any steam coming from it. Failure Model Chick is a liar.

Ok, so this may be some of the best stuff I've ever seen. Hell, if they keep coming out with episodes I may keep recapping them. Watch out for 2 Minute Recaps from IBBB!