Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Sluts on the Run

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! And I'd like to say a special "hello" the the Harriet Carter employees that are now reading this every single Wednesday. Yes, I have been informed that you have been reading. Stop by and say "hi" sometime. It will be nice to put a face with the name when I see you all in court. Anyway, this week Harriet makes slutting much more efficient, risks scaring away a rabid dog with what I'm assuming is an air-horn, and markets a candle-holder to some people who don't speak English, or any language, for that matter. Let's go!Product # 1 - Hey there "Sluts on the Run!" How are you? I bet you're pretty tired since you always seem to be banging and leaving. That's very understandable. If you're a proper skank-bag you know what it feels like to try to get a quickie whilst balanced on the top of a cold metal dumpster, pushed up against the toilet, and staying as steady as you can while on a conveyor belt. Well Sluts on the Run you don't have to be like those Caveman Sluts because now Harriet is making it easier for you to bang bang bang wherever your whore-like heart desires thanks to this handy dandy 5-way carry away sofa bed! Your date for the night might think you're just bringing a stylish backpack with you, but little does he know that you're ready to go at it at a moments notice. Turn this contraption into a sofa for light petting, turn it into a lounge chair for some shirtless action, or pop the headrest down when you're, apparently, ready to experiment with things "from the back" as it delicately shows in the above photo. This class act slut doesn't even seem to mind that her "date" for the night hasn't washed his nasty feet for what looks like weeks. Apparently the photographer doesn't seem to mind either. So, my friends, have a little class when you're out and about and bring your own bed with you, but always remember the pioneer sluts that had to bump uglies in dumpsters and in the back seat of their cars so that you could, one day, have your one-night stand with a little dignity, class, style, and inflatable pillows. Thanks, Harriet, for making my slut comfortable and when I toss her out the window when I'm done with her I can rest easy knowing she will land on her blown up 5-way carry away "slut raft."
Product # 2 - Know what dogs with rabies like right before they go for your neck? They really like you taking the time to take out you "air horn" and blow it directly in front of their face. Oh yeah, they love that. Rabid dogs love loud noises. They like it so much that they'll probably start to bite of your arms well before they ever go in for your neck. It's a respect thing. Anyway, this dog looks as sweet as can be and, by the looks of him, he probably listens to commands such as "sit" and "roll over." If this dog is about to attack you, you should try that first and then bring out the air-horn. Oh, actually come to think of it know what works better than an air-horn? Oh what's that thing called again? Oh yeah, a gun. Guns work well when vicious dogs try to attack you on the street. Sometimes I don't have place to store my "dog killer" so I walk the streets of NYC with a crossbow and arrow strapped to my back. Yeah, I like to pretend I'm Robin Hood while fighting off rabid animals. It really brings me back to my roots. Seriously, this "air-horn" looks like it will work just as good as bitch-slapping that dog with your purse. Good luck with that. Press the horn, but make sure you have a backup plan when it pisses of this dog even more. Perhaps an elderly woman with rollers in her hair will be walking by during this confrontation. Use her as a shield and just start ramming the dog. Try calling the dogs girlfriend a "2-bit whore." Insult its puppies. Throw hot dogs in the air and when it looks up at them kick it in the face and run like there's no tomorrow. Be sure not to accidentally "dance" like there's no tomorrow as Paula Abdul instructs. In the meantime, think up some innovative and practical ways to out-smart a rabid dog on your own. Just keep in mind though that carrying hot dogs with you and a bow and arrow will come in handy more than you think. I'm sure PETA would agree. Arf!

Product # 3 - So this product isn't the worst, but since everyone loves to send me hate mail on how bad my spelling is I figured it was only fair to take a crack at Harriet. Go figure. Anyway, apparently Harriet is marketing to those who speak made up languages or languages that are a combination of Spanish and German? Check out a few of my favorite lines from the description above: "Dinosaurs may be extince." Extince? I knew a few Dinosaurs who were "Extince" but they kept that shit quiet. You couldn't talk about it way back in those days. Did you know that this dinosaur is also "dishwasher daft" too? Spreken zi douche!? I love things that are dishwasher daft, it just makes me feel more comfortable with placing my "daft extince" into the dishwasher. Look, my site is a ghetto little website that is spelled checked (thanks to the spell check tool) but is never grammar checked. Also, I make about 11 cents a month on my ads. At the end of the day I'm allowed to spell things wrong and use incorrect words because, well lets face it, who cares. But Harriet Carter is a multi-million dollar company. Yes I said multi-million. Shouldn't someone be checking the spelling/grammar mistakes. God knows it shouldn't be me, but it should be someone. As a sidenote, what the hell are they talking about that you can use this candle-holder for big birthdays like 30, 40 or 50 where each candle represents a decade? Really? You know you'd still have to explain that to your guests, right? At that point you wouldn't need the dinosaur and could just as well place 4 candles in the cake and tell people each candle represents 1 decade, no? Nice try Harriet. You know my weakness is math (and spelling, and grammar, and love), but you can't trick me this time!

This concludes another craptastic Harriet Carter Wednesday. Before you send me hate mail I only chose 3 products this week because I couldn't find anything else funny to write about. Harriet better refresh her crapalog...and quick!

Please note, no animals were harmed during the writing of this segment.

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Anonymous said...

Wait a minute- Did Harriet's people really contact you? Does that mean FMC is possibly a reader? hahahaha!

Pop Culture said...

Not her "people" but some employees have. I'm trying to score an interview. Wow, I'm a tool.

Chris said...

I think Harriet Carter is hiding the good stuff from us because they know what we'll say about it. Wimps.

Anonymous said...

No kidding...This is really so exciting. One day I will repay you with a REALLY funny story. REALLY REALLY REALLY funny story that you will love. Until then you keep all of my friends and I very entertained. Thanks!

Fan Of IBBB said...

LOL slut raft....great! Love Wednesdays! Maybe your court trial with HC will be aired on Court TV! Keep me posted!

Kasey said...

nothing like "colebrating" a birthday with harriet carter merchandise. maybe you could apply to be her proof reader.

cnap786 said...

haha .. before i even read the typos i was dying about the dinosaur candle holder. nothing says trailer trash like a candle holder. normal people would call that, ummmmm .. a cake. sorry kids, we don't have no cake, but let's just sing happy birthday, blow out the candles and call it a day!

what a whore harriet is.