Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Hills: Welcome Back Justin Bobby!

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To Justin Bobby: Thanks For Everything, ImBringingBloggingBack. Justin Bobby is back en la casa and The Hills just got interesting again. My only question is that once Justin Bobby and Audrina start hanging out again will Lauren hit Audrina with a closed fist or an open fist? Let's see just exactly what went down on this latest episode, A New Roommate, of The Hills:
  • How come Lauren can't follow simple directions? Weren't they told they whilst working at Pubic Revolution they needed to wear black at all times and not show their "bobbies?" Well Lauren is in all white, like the angel she is, and I'm seeing a little cleavage right off the rack.
  • Audrina's like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. Her closet is a shittin' mess, like her life, with clothes jammed in all over the place and falling off the hangers. When she throws one of her outfits at token friend, Lo, Lo replies "is it c-o-t-t-o-n" making sure to pronounce all the t's in "cotton." I'll give Lo a break since she is still a little new to the script and is still trying to work with her new nose and all.
  • Lauren apparently goes to Clown University because she got an A+ on her computer assignment. Do they grade things "A+" while you're in college? And I love how she keeps calling it her "computer class." What's the class, really? I bet she's just playing Oregon Trail on that computer anyway. Hopefully she's the banker from Boston and doesn't die of diphtheria or lose any of her oxen.
  • Heidi is back on her victory tour of "A Girls Night Out." I can't take it anymore. We get it. You're fake single and want to play up your fake singleness by going out for a fake girls night out on your fake reality show. Why Sandy Sanders tells Heidi she looks the best on Thursday nights and that "everyone" goes to this one club in LA (when there are 1 million clubs to choose from) is beyond me.
  • SCRIPT EDIT: Heidi reads off "It's old water under the bridge." Really, Heidi? Really? Old water huh? Under what bridge, baby? And how old is that water? Now stop, take a breath and rethink that saying that you just said because it's incorrect...that's why you laughed after you said it because you know you are about 2 more incorrect sayings away from being forced by a team of medical professionals to wear Audrina's helmet.
  • There's so much to discuss about the "girls night out" at Goa. First off, Heidi actually tells Audrina that Justin Bobby is at the club and she calls him Justin Bobby....like she knows him, which she doesn't. I mean, I'm sure they got to know each other at the weekly table read for The Hills, but she doesn't know him know him. Then Heidi wants to play "bouncer" and make sure that Justin Bobby doesn't come near Audrina...because that's cool. Then Justin Bobby shows up and Heidi and him greet each other. Do they know each other really? I mean I'm sure they know each other from the covers of Us Weekly, but did they ever meet on the show? I'm confused.
  • Well it's finally here. The Apocalypse. Stephanie Pratt (Sandy Sanders), Lo, Lauren, Audrina, Heidi, and Justin Bobby all sitting at the same table together. I'm pretty sure this is a sign that the end of the world is upon us. If only Cami from Laguna Beach was there as well I would head into my underground bunker.
  • Lauren decides to go home because there are too many people at her table that she can't control.
  • So, um, when is Heidi going to correctly pronounce Audrina's name. She keeps calling her "Uh-dreena" all in one breath. Isn't it pronounced more like "Aww-dree-na?"
  • Holy Script Batman, Moment: We get it, Lauren, you guys are going to buy a house together. We don't need you and Lo telling the cameras how often Lo stays over and how much more convenient it would be if you all lived together a house. We know you already bought the house. We saw the 15 page spread in Us Weekly 2 months ago. I do find it comical though that you think it's a good idea to move so that you can go through all of your stuff and clean. Oh, I have an idea....maybe just clean your apartment and save yourself, oh I don't know, $2.5 million because....um....that's what you spent on your new house. That's kinda a lot to spend when you're just an intern, Audrina is basically a receptionist, and Lo does nothing. Just sayin.
  • Justin Bobby is back baby! And, it's date night for him and Audrina....just like old times, but this time he doesn't seem drugged out....and his teeth are as blindingly white as Audrina's. It's like he's having a teeth-off dance-off with her. And the horrible "Hills" lighting makes him look 42.
  • Why does Justin Bobby keep bugging out his eyes after every sentence? Ok can we just say what neither of them will actually come out and say? Justin Bobby is off drugs, right? He went to rehab, right? And now he cleaned up his life, right? Sure the bugged out eyes lead me to believe all this, but I just want them to say it. Say "drug rehab" Justin Bobby Say it, damn it!
  • As a sidenote, I'm pretty sure Justin Bobby is wearing Lo's "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" hat from last season. It's nice to share whilst on the set of The Hills.
  • When J Bob asks Audrina what she's doing later in the night and Audrina says, "I don't know," Justin Bobby says "uh-oh." Kids under 18, this basically means your favorite Hills character, Audrina, is going to get plowed like she's never been plowed before by dear old Justin Bobby. Presumably there will be a lot of leather involved, perhaps some helmets (for protection) and possible a teeth whitening kit. Basically, Audrina is going to become a woman (again) tonight. Bom chica bom bom.
  • The morning after Audrina and LC are discussing Justin Bobby and Lauren has a knife so I'm pretty sure she's going to use it on Audrina. Actually, I'm missing the majority of their conversation because I am sitting here in shock and grossed out watching that nasty cat sitting on the counter exactly where Audrina is making her breakfast. Seriously, that's gross. I'll have my grapefruit without cat hair please, thanks! Oh, and hold the cat saliva. Thanks.
  • Boring. Heidi and Steve Sanders have another scripted fight. Yeah, we see you guys all over the place so we know you're still together. How about between seasons you all go into hiding and stop whoring yourselves out so that we can find The Hills a little more believable.
  • In conclusion, Lauren and Lo together are even douchier then one could imagine. I actually feel bad for Audrina as they basically tell her that they've been house hunting together and they ask her what she plans on doing. Such douche-bags. It's like they're those high-school bitches that just stay high-school bitches even 10 years after they've left high-school. I say Audrina moves in with Heidi. Doh! I just fell for the trap.

Next week on The Hills, Stephen is back to visit LC and it's like Laguna Beach all over again! Oh, and apparently LC bought her house in 2 days and is all ready to have a house-warming party. It must be fun to live in the world of make believe.

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shannon said...

LOL! This is my MOST FAVORITE hills recap you've done to date. You were in rare form with this one! Luvs it!

GammaGirl said...

I was so turned off by the last 5 minutes! It was one thing when LC was fighting with Heidi and pretending to date Brody, but the Queen Bee attitude has gotta go.
And don't even get me started on Lo!

I call shenanigans on this whole thing.

Taylor said...

LOVE IT !! I haven't watched yet, but I feel like I already did. You know J Bob got the Carmen Diego hat from the 'prop closet' come on,, its right next to the 'reading' room. I love the use of the word 'plowed'.. very nice. I read that they make Audrina sleep in the 'guest house' at LC's, and that she has 'use' of the kitchen. How nice they are huh ?

Anonymous said...

I HATE LAUREN!!! She is such a little bitch, I really wish something bad would happen to her. And Lo... I don't even know what to say here....

Melissa said...

Holy $hit I almost spit coffee out of my mouth when I saw that you remembered to comment on Justin Bobby bugging his eyes out everytime he made a comment. As I was watching that, i was thinking "Damn, I hope he catches that."....

Also...LC ordering champagne? At a bar? I didnt even know you could do that.

Im with Shannon...this is definitely a primo recap.

Anonymous said...

I love lauren why she invited audrina to move in is beyond me audrina is so dumb and fake. Lo is kinda annoying she has a snobby air about her. Justin bobby is still gross and heidi well she sucks can't wait for next week.

Elizabeth said...

haha Kudos and major Probs, double agree on of ur best to date!! This one so extra scripted esp the end. Lo keeps getting uglier and more annoying, and I wanted to smack her when she said "yea we have been looking at some" you can feel the tension (sorry scripted tension)...they all just awkwardly stare at each other and Lauren keeps giving everyone the bug eye like "hey hey its YOUR line come on im waiting"

one thing u failed to mention was Justin Bobby's new do!! I think it was in the previews but he was rockin the buzz cut, lookeed a million time better but now he will wait 5 weeks to shower vs his normal 3

Anonymous said...

Whats the deal with these episodes only be 20 min long once a week...they must have more footage lets get real...I mean you could make a full hour show of my nights out..

I wanna see more drunken scenes, and LATE NIGHTS...maybe LC gorging on pizza at 4 am?? shotgunning a beer or two...c;mon hills lets get it together...

and why do they never show ppl coming up and recognising them??? Clearly they must pay every person in every scene as an extra cause any club they went to they would be noticed..

I for one would LOVE to see some psycho drunk girl run over to the table and knock over the drinks and all the hills girls to be like omg WHAT was that

melissa said...

Two things:

What the hell is this Alicia Keys commerical/Sitcom BS they're playing at the breaks? I haven't had to endure this much cheese since Full House.

Is it too much to ask people who post to use some punctuation? Good God! Is that how you speak in real life? One big annoying run on sentence? When I read those posts I read them to the voice of Vicki from Small Wonder - its the only way I can tolerate it.

Anonymous said...

hahaha. def agreeing with shannon that this is the best one yet.

i watch the show with my boyfriend and i laugh during the entire show because i start imagining the things you will say the next day. he thinks there's something wrong with me; which there probably is.

tomtom said...

I don't know whether I just read your re-caps too much, or we think too much alike, but I was going to ask you about the "old" water under the bridge...seriously Heidi?! Glad you noticed it too! and I also was grossed out by the cat on the counter. Also, lets point out the fact that Uh-dreena is soooo scared of LC...like pee her pants scared. It's hilarious! Lastly, can we all get together and start a fund to get Cutrone some V8, Ovaltine, or something?

Marcy said...

I think the all-black is only for when they do shows.

Is it me, or does Lauren have a bit of a mustache? I've noticed it twice so far, look closer when she looks down.

Um, I let my cat hang out on my kitchen counter, too. I guess I'm gross. Yummy cat hair.

Wasn't Spencer implementing some grand master plan to win Heidi back? Didn't he tell his sister that a couple episodes ago? What was his plan, act like the Crappiest Boyfriend in History?

LOVE the LV belt, Spencer. Way to waste Daddy's money.

I also love how Heidi expects Lauren to just forgive her by walking up to her table and sitting there.

Anonymous said...

actually its ahh-drina if youre from middle america and its aww-drina if yer from boston/nyc, same goes for cot-ton or cah-in.

Melissa said...

I just wanted to tell you that these Posts are HILARIOUS!I'm sad it took this long to find this blog, oh well, I have emailed about 20 people that watch this trainwreck-of-a-show also, and already they are loving THIS! Great sarcasm and great writing!!! Thanks for the entertainment!