Friday, May 30, 2008

...In Other News...

What's Different About Molly Sims?

I'd like to buy a vowel. I'd like to buy a "U." I'd like to buy another vowel. "E." I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat. Is it, "What The Fuck Happened To Molly Sims Face?" Woo-hoo!

I'm going to totally enjoy my 18 foot catamaran! Molly Sims attended the God-for-saken Sex and the City free-for-all the other night in NYC and I couldn't help, but notice she's looking a bit different. Now don't get me wrong, I've always been a fan of M. Sims, but something is looking a bit jacked up on her face. Did she always have so much forehead? Also, did she always dress like Vanna White? Fine, she's still hot, but in that "I'm 5 years away from totally hitting the wall" kind of way. Oh well. We'll deal with that in 2013.

This is Just a Simple Mistake, Really

While many sources are claiming that Clay Aiken is going to be the father of his producers, Jaymes Foster, baby there are some that are saying this story is completely false. I'm sure this is just a simple mistake and that facts were just accidentally mixed up. Perhaps Cynthia Nixon's lesbian life partner is the one who's knocked up and they just assume she was standing with Clay Aiken. Eh, they're both butch bitches. It's a common error.

Anyway, Jaymes Foster is the 50 year old sister of producer David Foster...while little Clay is only 29 small years old. I don't even think he can get an 29. Ask your parents what that means, kids. The story goes Clay artificially inseminated Jayme (who may be due in August). Oh, and by "artificially inseminated" I actually mean "Clay had a wet dream and then Jayme did splits on his sheets." That's how that works, right? Go on girl!

Audrina's Teeth and Boobs Go Shopping

Audrina Patridge, in her IBBB blue dress, decides to take her teeth and boobs on a little shopping spree. Now, I'm pretty up on all things "Hills" as I am quite the loser, but is anyone talking about Audrina's new boobs? Is it just me? They are new, right? I hope they are because I have a plan. I will take Audrina's old boobs, Heidi's old chin and old nose, Lo's old nose, and Jenn Bunney's old nose and I am going to mold myself a brand new Hills character, in which I will call "Shecky Olsen." Now, Shecky Olsen will start out as a dog walker and will be hired to walk LC's dog and then will become friends with Lo. Shecky Olsen will then going on a banging-spree all over the likes of Justin Bobby, Brody, Spencer, and Brent Bolthouse. The Hills will rue the day they ever allowed me to build Shecky Olsen! Seriously, what? Remember how at the top of this post I said I was quite the loser? Well let's echo that. Good day. Oh wait, these photos were taken of Audrina on Robertson Boulevard. Good day.

Tori Spelling: Weebles Wobble, But They Don't Fall Down

So is Tori Spelling 12 months or 13 months pregnant now? I'm not sure how all that works. She may have given birth already and just having the new baby live inside her. If it's good enough for the kangaroos it's good enough for the Spelling's. Anydonna, Tori Spelling and her wife (Dean), headed out with their son (David Silver) to Pink's Hot Dogs (The Peach Pit) to see how Kelli, Brenda, Brandon, and Dylan (the paparazzi) are all doing. It wasn't long before Tori fed her son some of her hot dog (gave her husband some of her money) and a few pictures were secretly snapped (strategically planned out and paparazzi were called in advance) and they jumped (wobbled) into their car (ghetto SUV) to head home (to sell out more).

This Time Last Year: Sally Field

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with my open letter to Sally Field this time last year...

Dear Sally Field,
Please stop. No really, stop. I personally don't think I can take another minute of watching one of your "Boniva" commercials. I get it, you have osteoporosis. Wait, do you though? Or are you just "acting?" I see you talking to the camera and telling me all about your friend that has to set time aside once a week to take her osteoporosis medication. What the hell does that entail? How long do you need to set aside once a week to take a pill and why are you making it seem like your friend is a caveman for doing so? If this person is truly your friend, I bet she's pissed. Also, is that really your house in the commercial and is that really you cooking? I also don't care to see you buying fruit at an outdoor market. Am I supposed to think, "Wow Sally Field is buying apples, I bet she's on an efficient and easy to follow osteoporosis pill regimen!" Are you getting free pills? Has the Gidget money disappeared? I'm concerned Sally, but I'm glad that if you were to not get any more work after "Brothers and Sisters" and you were to throw yourself down the stairs, you probably wouldn't break a bone.

P.S If you see Valerie Bertonelli, please tell her I don't care that she can eat anything she wants while on Jenny Craig and please ask her why her and Kirstie Alley can't seem to appear on the same set of the same commercial. Are either of them really that busy that they can't film at the same time?

Luke Warm Regards,

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Brody Jenner Thinks Malibu is Rough

It's like The Hills Gods are answering my scripted Hills prayers! Remember how I recently wrote about bumping into Brody Jenner at STK in NYC over the weekend? Yeah, well apparently STK is the only place Brody visits because at about 12:30 AM the other night I got a text message from two of my friends who are in STK.....and talking to Brody Jenner.

You wanna break your bathroom stall promise to me Brody? I'll send my friends out find you and, well, they're loud mouths. Two of my friends, Lauren and Erica just wanted to grab a quick picture with Brody so they could send it to me for IBBB. Sadly, or not so sadly, things took a turn....for the worse. First I'll recap some of the highlights of their conversation. Below that will be the actual conversation as told by my friend. This shit is great!

Brody is clearly a Lakers fan and grew up in rough and scary Malibu where he had like 25 friends die due to gangs. Malibu gangs.....scary. Tip your 40. To no surprise, Brody is a psychology major. He must go to the set of that school that Lauren goes to on The Hills. Maybe he even takes that difficult "Computer Class" that LC and Stephanie Pratt take.

Here's what went down direct from the source. E = Erica, L = Lauren, B = Brody. Make sense? Let's go:

L: Hi there, would you mind taking a picture with my friend?

E: Yeah my friend would really get a kick if I could get a picture with you.

B: Oh is that right? Do you see what I'm wearing right now?

E: Yeah, you're wearing a Kobe Bryant jersey

B: No, it says LAKERS. This shirt represents all of the LAKERS. Where are you from? (to Erica)
E: I'm from Boston

B: (sports talk abbreviated) blah blah blah blah Celtics blah blah blah blah blah Lakers, blah blah blah blah blah Celtics

E: Mmm Hmmm okay (she's paying attention to him, but doesn't really care about sports)

B: I'm sensing a little attitude or something from you?

E: Attitude? No I'm just listening to you and I think you come across as really aggressive. I just wanted to get a picture with you is all.

B: Oh well you can have a picture with me if you do a shot, come on lets do a shot.
(then somehow the conversation turned into something else, and I started to chime in, i was pretty quiet up until this point...just watching the two of them. )

E: Where are you from?

B: I'm from Malibu

L: (to Erica) Yeah that's a rough hood

B: See that's how I know you're not from there, by what you just said.

L: You're right I am not from there.

B: I've had 25 close friends die from there. There's gangs and drugs, you have no idea.

L: Really?

B: See now you're being condescending, by how you just said that. that's really disrespectful. I'm talking about close friends dying.

L: I am? I just made a sarcastic comment about Malibu...before you said anything about friends dying. Really sorry if you can't handle my sarcasm.

B: No I'm a psychology major I know exactly what you're doing.You're condescending. Don't make comments about things you no nothing about. There's no need for sarcasm.

L: It's called a sense of humor. You're so defensive, I didn't even say anything. But you're a psychology major so you have me all figured out I guess.

B: You know what, I don't like you you're totally disrespectful.

L: That's fine, you don't even know me, you can think whatever you want to. (and then it was like blah blah blah wah wah wah, who knows what the hell that was!! His buddies came over to rescue him and his friends so they could go sit down at their table and eat $45 steaks because they've had such a rough life growing up in MALIBU apparently.)

Seriously, this crap is great. Suck it, Us Weekly! You may have Heidi on your cover (week after week), but I have some great Brody stories.

I Dream of Tyra

Tyra. The woman who once said, "Modeling is looking hoochie, but making it fashion" is now on the cover of New York Times Magazine this weekend. Tyra. I couldn't be happier as anything "Tyra" typically brings a smile to my mouth and eyes. Tyra. You'll have to pick up the latest copy, but from what was sent over to me from some random PR agency is that Tyra discusses such things has herself, Tyra, Tyra herself, all sorts of smiles, all sorts of Tyra smiles, Tyra, and my favorite the fact that like her hero, Martha Stewart, Tyra wants people to immediately think of a distinct point of view when hearing her name....which is 'girly TV with a punch.' Tyra. Oh, and Tyra.

Tyra. When I hear Tyra's name I immediately think of many distinct bad accents from various distinctly bad episodes of America's Next Top Model. Tyra.

Tyra. So pick up a copy of Tyra's magazine this weekend or just lift up your nearest homeless person and remove it from under their head. They should be using newspapers as pillows....not magazines. Tyra!

2 Minute Recaps: RACK IS BACK!

Back by popular demand is "2 Minute Recaps." A spinoff of "Harriet Carter Wednesday," watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you're new to this, check out the explainer by clicking here. Now that we're all settled, here's my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of
  • So, Hmmmmph. Hmmmm. Ummm. Errrr? Hmmm. Hmmmmmph. So, like, uh, Rachel went out and bought herself a brand new rack with all that Harriet Carter modeling money I assume. Holy pigs in a blanket! I didn't even notice that there is a NEW CHEF because I was literally lost in Rachel's rack-attack that is not only hanging out of her shirt, but can easily be burned by the pan. Boobs in the pan alert!
  • This new season of 2 Minute Chef brings us new camera angles, new camera shots, new host boobs, and a new chef. What happened with Chef Will? Who the hell is this dude? Wait, is that The Rock? I'm pretty sure that's just a skinnier version of him.
  • Wow will ya look at Rachel. She's all easy and breezy this time around and she's slurring her words a bit more. I like her better already.
  • So, uh, did Chef "Mario" literally just come off the soccer filed before he filmed this or does he have practice right after this segment is over? And did Rach go into her hairdresser and say "Give me Dina Lohan's hairstyle...STAT!" I'm so confused. It's like when they replaced Darren on Bewitched and just never said anything. I feel betrayed. Thanks "Will." Jerk.
  • At least the new boobs haven't made Rachel any smarter because she's already back to asking such questions as, "This is on the stove?" and "What cheeses, what cheese is this?"
  • Oh, I forgot to mention they're making Artichoke Dip...although I'm pretty sure they're actually making "Birthing Juice." Gross.
  • For the love of God her boobs are huge. I'm sorry. I'm shocked.
  • Seriously, that dip looks gross. They dig right into it and it's as soupy and watery as Rachel during "ladies days."
  • Ok so that ends another random ass segment. There were some technical difficulties throughout this, but clearly Rachel's new rack kept us all preoccupied. Chef Mario will have to do for now, but why does she keep calling him honey? For some reason I'm assuming this isn't a sexual thing.

Until next time!

Ashlee Wentz Knocked the Holy Hell Up!

In news that I thought was confirmed 4 weeks ago, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have announced on Pete's website,, that they are in fact "with child." Just when Ashlee thought she'd never have to see her old nose or chin again, looks like she'll be giving birth to it around December 2008.

Here's what the shotgun couple had to say:

"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family."

While Pete certainly wreaks of day-old douche, I guess they're right for waiting for the first trimester to pass before making it public. This got me to thinking. I think I'm going to follow a random person on the street that has a little bit of a stomach and shout at her "I think you're pregnant." Then I'm going to take pictures of her every day and put them on IBBB with arrows that say "baby bump?" I wonder if it's just as fun when it's not a celebrity. Stay tuned.

Source It Up!

The Lohan Sisters Need a Bath

The jet-setting Lohan's arrived in NYC yesterday with their sidekick, Samantha Rotten, and apparently some chick that I'm pretty sure is a Sarah Jessica Parker stand-in. Lindsay and Helen Hunt were even hand-in-hand at one point as the paparazzi followed their stank asses around town.

Seriously I look at those three and think they look like they all need a good scrubbing. Lindsay and Ali look like they have self-tanner buildup and ring around the collar. Oh, and I'm pretty sure Ali caught a whiff of her own stank in the second picture. And you know Dina is PISSED that she wasn't there for that photo opportunity. As a sidenote, I bet Sam licks the subway floor. Just a thought.

Rachael Ray's Terrorist Commercial, Yum!

Apparently when you're trying to sell Iced Coffee and donuts, it may not be the best idea to dress up your "celebrity" spokesperson as a terrorist and placing her in front of a fake background. Dunkin Donuts was forced to pull their latest commercial with that rotten douche, Rachel Ray, after she was wearing a scarf that looks like a keffiyeh, which is a traditional headdress worn by Arab men (check your World Book Encyclopedias). I guess people were up in arms because some say the keffiyeh has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Wait, I thought jihad was like a big party, no?

After the first set of crazy-train complaints came in, Dunkin Donuts wasn't going to pull the ad because she is only wearing a black and white paisley silk scarf, but over time they decided it was better to pull the ad due to misinterpretation. Yum and delic...or whatever that whore-bag says.

I don't see it as such a big deal. I'd be more concerned with the background. It looks like the fake backdrop that Bin Laden uses when he sends us one of those funny little videos of him in a cave saying he's planning another strike. Oh that wild Osama!

Source It Up!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

...In Other News...

Damn! That Boniva is really making Sally Field look younger and younger! In other news...

~ Dude from Sex and the City Says Ex Girlfriend Stinks ~ AgentBedHead
~ When Did Jessica Biel Turn 42? ~ Websters
~ Listen to J Simpson Sing...I Dare You ~ DSF
~ Jennifer Hudson and Her Rack Attack ~ Ayyyy
~ Lauren Cockring and Audrina Still Fighting? ~ IDWYL
~ SATC Round Up ~ PopBytes
~ Hilary Duff's New Duffs? ~ POTP
~ Olsen Tooth Alert ~ NinjaDude
~ Angelina Jolie a Magician? ~ INO
~ Scripted Heidi Ready to Get Scriptedly Married ~ DListed

Why Ruthie Camden, You Little Slut!

I can already hear two people laughing at these pictures. (1) My sister. (2) My good friend Maria. Why Ruthie Camden you little skank bag slut (who is officially 18). Where did it all go wrong? I'll tell you where it all went wrong. I'll tell the precise moment it went wrong. From the moment you were "dancing sexy" to Spirit in the Sky on 7th Heaven I knew it was all down hill....not only because that entire episode your family members kept saying "Ruthie's dancing sexy" but because I knew you were way into it. So all of America can finally give 7th Heaven the appreciation it deserves for making Ruthie into what she is today...a skanky Myspace whore. I mean that with respect.

Not only is Ruthie (I refuse to call her by her real name - Mackenzie Rosman...damn it) sexing it up for the camera in her bra and undies, but she is seen later giving a little tongue to her friend in front of some very classy wood paneling. Now if I didn't know better I'd say it was Stephanie Tanner who was shoving her tongue down Ruthie's Christian mouth. How not rude!
Now a little clip of Ruthie practicing her sexy dance. You're welcome.

Source It Up!

Charlize Theron Keeps Em Locked

Where in the sweet trenches of hell has Charlize Theron been lately? I've missed her. I was concerned. I forgot about her. Well she's alive and well and attending the 2008 Seattle Film Festival recently and, from the looks of her, appears to be possibly doing a little "boom boom" in her dress and hoping no one notices. I'm fine with it. She's hot enough that I'll allow her to do Shasta McNasty in her dress and not even pass judgement.

Charlize was recently interviewed by W Magazine and stated, "I always knew that I didn't want to get married....but always known that I'd be a mom from the time I was a little girl."

Wait, really? How could she be a mom from the time she was a little girl? Doesn't the tooth fairy have to show up at your house, let down her hair in order to see her shadow, and spin the dreidel on your forehead all while singing Christmas carols so that you can get your period in order to have a child? That's how that happens right? That's what the nuns taught me and nuns never lie....or shave their whoopty-doo! Ok, this post has gone right down the tubes. I'm done.

Harriet Carter: It's Like Deja Vu

This Harriet Carter post is like deja vu. This Harriet Carter post is like deja vu. That's weird. Anyway, this Harriet Carter post is like deja vu. This week, Harriet cuts my meat with a fancy tool, gives her rack-attack wings, and makes sticking toothpicks into your junk a really fun time. Let's go!

Product # 1 - This is perhaps one of my new favorite products in the Harriet Carter Catalog. I present to you "The Knork." Yes, the Knork. Just say it out loud, it's fun. What is the Knork you ask? Well, it is a combination of both a fork and a knife. I know, you must be wondering, "but how has Harriet invented such an innovative piece of equipment?" Harriet is brilliant and that's all you need to know. Clearly cutting has become a task that is much to difficult to do. And, who the hell as time to use a knife? You're not an animal! You need a Knork! The Knork has a a sharp edge that cuts. In fact, the description states, "An easy rocking motion is all is takes to slice through anything from pizza to steak!" Yup, I only buy products that have descriptions that rhyme. The good news is that it's for people who are either right handed or left handed. What brilliance! Even us retarded left-handers can use it too. We're lucky. Thanks Harriet for making eating pizza a real hoot!

Product # 2 - Um, what's going on in your chest area that you need this type of clothing contraption? Well if you sweat like a whore in church, boy does Harriet have the bra for you! This bra comes with netting for your "lady areas" and then it apparently has ears or something because it also pads under your arm. It's almost like it gives your boobs wings. I mean, and who doesn't want to see flying boobs? Let's face it, this is a million dollar idea. Oh and by "million dollar idea" I actually mean "whoever invented it should get the electric chair." Seriously if you're sweating that much go see a doctor. And why is that lady grabbing her stomach? She's trying to look all sexy. Yeah, nice try looking all hot with that thing on. I'd love to see the expression on the face of the person who you undress for. I bet Harriet totally wears one of those. Only since she is much older and things tend to "fall" a bit I bet she uses those underarm pads as pants pockets. Wow. Bad mental image.

Product # 3 - Have you ever wanted to really spice up your toothpick collection? Yes, collection. Why not freak out your guests by using this handy dandy toothpick holder that actually is in the shape of a person. Nothing says, "enjoy the cheese" quite like pulling a toothpick out of the eye of the holder. It's like voodoo for your dinner party. I, of course, would tape a little picture of Harriet on my toothpick holder, but that's just me. Oh, and why in the picture are there a bunch of toothpicks sticking out of the guys "private area?" Harriet is one angry woman! Frisky too!

Mariah Allowed to Play Baseball

Mariah threw out the first pitch at Japan's baseball game between the Yomiuri Giants and the Rakuten Eagles in Tokyo. I'm pretty sure the Japanese baseball fans saw Mariah and assumed the Hello Kitty came to life. I think it's official that Mariah has become an actual caricature of herself. She's a complete goon, dressed like a $2 dollar whore (who does $5 dollar sucky sucky) and throws like a girl. In an ironic twist all three pitching poses above are actually 3 of Mariah's best dance moves. If you edit out the baseball you wouldn't know if she were throwing a pitch or filming one of her horrific music videos.

Confirmed For the 17th Time This Month, Tori Spelling Get Actual Acting Work

In a true biblical sign of the Apocalypse, Tori Spelling will be heading back to an actual acting job in which she will need to not only memorize lines, but wait for it....wait for it....act out those lines. What a concept. This is bitter sweet news for me as I will truly miss watching Tori scoop ice-cream for publicity, run a bed and breakfast for publicity, paint a pig for publicity, etc. On the other hand, Tori will bring Donna Martin to life, which increases the chances of seeing Ray Pruit toss her down a flight of lifelong dream/goal.

Donna Martin will be making several appearances on the new 90210, as the owner of one of the coolest stores in Beverly Hills that all the kids go to. Um...does that store have a flight of stairs? They better because if not how is Tori gonna get tossed down them?

Anyway, the bottom line is that I'd like to be invited to the premiere party no matter what it takes. I'll make sex to whoever gets me into that. I'll also dress up as Aaron Spelling and show up and scare the piss out of everyone. Come on, it's a win-win!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

...In Other News...

Big Tipper Brody Jenner Breaks Bathroom Stall Promise

First off, I need to say that the title of this blog post is probably the most brilliant that has ever been written. Sadly, I did not make that title up, my buddy Mike did, but it's still brilliant. So here's the deal. Two of my great friends, Michele and Mike from Boston, came to visit me in the Big Orange for the weekend. We head out to STK (pictured above) for dinner and a drink or 15. I am positioned in the best seat available, which is directly in front by the window in which I can see every person enter the restaurant. Big mistake putting me there. We're about 4 vodkas into dinner when all of an f'n sudden Brody Jenner and his posse come strolling into the restaurant. Shut the F up. I quickly said a prayer to my little baby Jesus that a camera crew and Lauren Conrad would be following him, but sadly they weren't. No joke, I was like this is my chance to get on The Hills. I'll have to wait on that.

So we finish dinner, which was excellent, and head over to the bar area for more drinks, which I like to call "confidence juice." We chat up the waitress who informed us that someone was kicked out due to taking pictures of Brody. My buddy Mike then spots Brody heading to the bathroom so, like a good stalker-in-training, he decides to take a trip to the shitter too. Whilst in the bathroom Mike talks up Brody and, of course, asks him if he's ever read IBBB. Brody, of course, said no (hurtful), so Mike asked Brody to swing on by our table to say hello on his way out as we are big fans of The Hills, etc. Brody was like "definitely" and before they both peaced out of the bathroom, Brody tossed $10.00 into the bathroom attendants tip basket (to which Mike told the bathroom attendant that was from him too....brilliant).

So me, Mike, and Michele are all drunk and Brody (who apparently changed his shirt while he was there) was heading out and walks by our table and we're all like 10 year old school girls like "Hey Brody!" We are complete tools. Yeah, not so much because he blows past us going about 45 mph. We totally got the brush off, luckily the alcohol numbed the pain and suddenly we had a fun story to tell.

We legit had a conversation about what Us Weekly would put on their cover if they experienced this ridiculous run in with Brody Jenner to which Mike immediately said, "Big Tipper Brody Jenner Breaks Bathroom Stall Promise." And you know what, he did break his bathroom stall promise.

So, note to self - all you reality star fauxlebrities out there - if you ever run into me it won't just be a simple hello. We'll be watching you and if I can't get to you, I'll send my friends in after you.

As a side note, my friends Mike and Michele asked me to do a reading at their wedding next year. So, I'm pretty sure IBBB will be the main wedding sponsor. A reading from the book of The Hills to the Corinthians....

Chase Crawford, Urine Laced Hair?

Hey ladies, ever wonder how your favorite Chase Crawford gets his hair so stylish, stylish and highlighted just right? Well the secret may be in the urine and the feces. However, before you ask your husband to take a dump on your head (again) you may want listen to this story first, Dirty Sanchez.

So, in the same night that me and my friends ran into Brody Jenner at STK in NYC on Friday night we also saw Chase Crawford come into the restaurant as well. He rolled in around 8pm, which was kind of early since we were all making fun ourselves for having the early bird special. Anyway, he was surrounded by a ton of girls and a few dudes to which we will later see him eating dinner with just at the bottom of the stairs that take you up to the bathroom. What's odd is that upstairs there are a few private rooms, so good for him for sitting with the rest of us second class citizens.

Anyway, my buddy Mike and I head up to the bathroom to which we are talking out loud about a plan to get into a brawl with Brody Jenner and get ourselves on the cover of Us Weekly. Let me tell ya, after a ton of vodka and wine it really sounded like a brilliant plan. When we were putting this plan together we were alone in the bathroom with the exception of the bathroom attendant (who was laughing with/at us and our plan).....and Chase Crawford who comes out of the side bathroom stall while we are washing our hands. He legit stands in front of the mirror for a good 10 seconds and keeps playing with this hair and rubbing his hands down the sides of his hair.....and he turns around to leave....without tipping the bathroom attendant....OR washing his hands. I followed him down the stairs hoping that I would have the chance to ask him if he was doing number 1 or number 2, but no luck. I'd assume # 2 b/c what dude goes in the stall for # 1.....unless you're Lindsay Lohan and getting your fix of coke. Just pondering. Look if you're not going to wash your hands, that's your deal but if you're famous and you know 2 drunken retards are not only looking at you, but are also crafting a plan on a way to get into Us Weekly, don't you think you'd at least rinse one hand under the faucet?

As a side note, there's a little thing call bathroom etiquette. Sure you don't talk to someone while they're going to the bathroom, but if you're both at the sink area a simple head nod is is not rubbing piss in your hair. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. I love living in New York. I'm hot on your trail next, Olsen Twins!

That's My Nana Lohan!

So time to confess. Who tuned in to watch "Living Lohan" last night? You know you did. So did I. While most people were ready to trash it, I was ready for it to be my summer filler until The Hills comes back in August. Here are my thoughts on what went down on the first crapisode of "Living Lohan" which I will now be calling "That's My Nana Lohan!"

I'm not going to lie, I'm sorta not impressed with their house. Don't get me wrong, it's nice, but I figured they would be in this gaudy mansion that was filled with gold and marble and funded by Lindsay. It's kinda like an extra large house decorated in 80's chic. We learn a lot about Dina in the first 5 minutes, such as she has big nostrils, has a personal assistant, and reads the tabloids every morning because "she's forced to" so she knows who to sue.

Why is everything in this episode blurred out? Everything on the kitchen counter is blurred out, the TV shows they're watching are blurred out, the magazine Dina holds up is blurred out, the websites they're looking at are blurred out. Legit, everything is blurred out.....everything except, Nana Lohan, who is my new favorite character on TV. I wouldn't F with her. She's like Yo Jong Kim.....only tougher.

You know how Tyra makes it a point on her show to always talk about herself? Yeah, well this show is sorta like that, but instead of talking about themselves they all constantly being up Lindsay. Constantly.

So is anyone going to mention that Ali looks like Helen Hunt or should I just do it? I don't care that she's 14.....she's annoying. Her voice is killing me just when she talks so why would I want to hear it sing? Ugh, and listening to Dina confront the "record label" who also co-produce the show "Living Lohan" makes me want to slap Dina with a dead fish across the face. Ali wants to sing hip-hop and Dina wants to basically bang Jeremy the "producer" who she also manages and by manages I mean "does dirty boom boom with."

Speaking of "Jeremy" what the hell was Dina talking about when she said she was online and he just randomly IM'd her and had no clue who he was. Uh, do you know how IM works? I doubt he just"guessed" Dina's IM screen-name, although I'm sure it's on every bathroom stall across LA and Long Island. This show is so staged. It really is like The Hills!

We get to follow Dina out to a restaurant to eat with some random judge, follow Dina taking random items out of her car such as cases of water and a bag of groceries, and basically just follow Dina around her life. Oh, and Ali is kinda in it to. For me, the highlight of the entire episode was when they announced that they Google themselves every day and read all the blogs. The good news for me is that IBBB is the #1 image search in Google when you Google "Nana Lohan." Score! Hopefully Dina will be reading this and if she is, I love the show and want your IM screen-name. Can I interview Nana Lohan? I love her. How many freckles does Lindsay have? Why does Ali sound like Tony Danza? These are just some of the questions I would IM to Dina and ask Nana Lohan.

Oh, and other stuff happened in the show, but it's pointless to write about...kinda like the show.

Britney in the Middle of a Smirk Sandwich

Remember from those old Highlight's Magazines where you would have to look at a picture and figure out all the things that weren't correct. For example, there's a toaster in the tree or the dog has an ice cream cone on his back instead of a tail? Yeah, well looking at Britney Spears pictures is like that, but for adults. Britney ventured out for Christian Audigier's (owner of Ed Hardy) 50th birthday in Los Angeles on Saturday night. Britney was there with her supposed new boyfriend, Jason Trewick. You might remember him as that dude on the 4-wheeler with Britney in Costa Rica. Regardless those terrible UK news sources are claiming the two have been dating for a little while now and Britney's dad approves of Justin and sees him as a "stabilizing influence."

Britney actually didn't look too shabby at this party and she must be a real laugh-riot because the dude to the left of her and the dude (??) to the right of her are busting a gut. Britney remembered to do such things are smile whist showing her white gum, drinking Coca Cola (without liquor), and keeping her legs closed while photos were being taken. It's like a whole new opposed to a hole and Britney.

Source It Up!

Me Gusta Gabrielle Union. Gracias!

I feel like there's never enough talk about Gabrielle Union. Well, there should be. And there will be from now on. Take one giant step the right, Olsen Sluts, because I'm pushing some focus Gabrielle's way. Gabrielle Union was one of the many celebrities in Vega$ (like what I did with the dollar symbol?) over Memorial Day weekend. She was hosting some random party at Tao and, well, that's about all. The point is that Gabrielle Union is hot and she should, somehow, be declared a national holiday. Maybe December 25th? I think that day is available.

A couple of months ago I was in a building in NYC and Gabrielle and "her people" were walking by me. No joke, it was like one of the moments you see in a movie where all of a sudden everything went in slow motion and people just stopped what they were doing to watch her walk by with the wind blowing in her hair. She legit smiled at me as she walked by, but I'm sure it was because she assumed I was one of those kids who has mental problems or something. Either way, I took it.

Uh Kristi Yamaguchi Can We Rethink This?

Hey there, Kristi Yamaguchi. So, um, congrats on your Dancing With the Stars win last week. Yeah, it opens up a lot of doors for you so that's, er, great! Can I ask you for a quick favor though? Yeah, so um, would you mind slowly putting down that green flag? I know you've been asked to be there and start the 92 Indie 500 and all, but how do I say this? Ok here it goes. Um, as a "people" I don't think you guys have the best track records in regards to your driving abilities and, so, you're making me a little nervous starting this race. Oh, and the race is behind you. No no that's ok. Common mistake. Now put down that flag, come on down the stairs, and perhaps pick up a camera or something. Thanks for your cooperation Kristi.

I'm Showing Picutres of Whitney Port Again Because It's My Blog and I Make the Decisions...Well, Me and Jesus, and Jesus Likes Whitney Too. Cool?

The Hampton's just got a little more exciting, thanks to Whitney Port. Did that sound fake? Anyway, everyones favorite Hills character has made it onto the cover of Social Life and was in the Hampton's to celebrate. Now these photos aren't as exciting as the other day when Whitney's boob popped out of her dress while eating at The Ivy, but they're still decent.

Anyway, Whitney is indirectly laying the smackdown on Lauren, Heidi, and Audrina when she was talking with Social Life. When asked about letting her complete personal life airing on The Hills, here's what good old Whit had to say:

"I've seen what it does. It's ruined a lot of relationships and friendships. That's why I don't expose people that I am close to that. My friends and family mean too much to me to get them involved. I told producers on the show that I want them to focus on my career. I tried going on a date once on the show, and it was the most uncomfortable two hours of my life."

Yeah, well it was uncomfortable for us to watch too, Whitney.
Ugh, anyway why do all these people always ask the same old questions!?! I would have been like: "So Whitney, did Lisa Loveless ever try to touch you inappropriately over your sweater or south of the border?" Or I would have held up Flash Cards with words ending with "G" and asked Whitney to read them. From that I could ask her why she always pronounces it with a "K." RunninK, SwimminK, JumpinK. You either get a funny answer from Whitney or you get punched in the face. Either way, it makes for a good story. Just saying.

Parital Soure It Up!

Kim Kardashian's Fat Ass. Again. Yawn.

Blah blah blah Kim Kardashian. Blah blah blah big ass. Blah blah blah host the White Party in the Hampton's blah blah blah. Pictures of her fat ass. Blah blah blah. Scripted reality show. Blah blah blah. Sex tape. Blah blah blah. Reggie Bush. Blah blah blah.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Oh Kids, Good Times

A fancy question mark can only mean one thing. Which cast member of The Hills did IBBB run into while out with friends in NYC on Friday night? Oh, and you know it wasn't just a "hey what's up." Come back tomorrow for the unveiling and the comical story that goes with it.

Friday, May 23, 2008

...In Other News...

Alice Cooper threw out the first pitch at the Winnipeg Goldeyes home game yesterday. Enjoy Memorial Day Weekend, everybody! I'll be fighting the war on terror and by "war on terror" I mean "adding booze to my liver." In other news...

~ Kate Moss is Back...For Now ~ AgentBedHead
~ Madonna Looks Good Enough to Cook ~ Websters
~ Uma Thurman Lost Her Ass ~ DSF
~ Everyone is at Cannes ~ PopBytes
~ Mariah's New Wife is On Call ~ POTP
~ Wait, Who is Minka Kelly Dating? ~ FatBack
~ How 'Bout Some Kristen Bell Cameltoe? ~ NinjaDude
~ Nicole Richie Wins a Parenting Award ~ INO
~ A Madonna Pop Quiz ~ Ayyyy
~ Ghosts Spook the Wig Off of Winehouse! ~ CS

Lauren, Audrina and Teeth at Maxim Party

Audrina "Teef" Patridge and Lauren Cockring were all bright white smiles and wrinkly eyes whilst enjoying their time in the spotlight at the Maxim Hot 100 Party. I don't care what people say, I'm totally convinced that Audrina got herself some store-bought-boobs. These are important topics in life that I investigate and I'm thinking this is the case. It's just too bad that if she did get new boobs she didn't go with Heidi's "Buy One Get One Free" plan and get a little something put in her top lip. What? Just saying. No one wants to kiss a pencil. Moving on, Lauren Cockring was there looking creepy like she's ready to lure a couple of kids into the back of a station wagon with a stuffed animal puppy and pink and blue cotton candy.

Ugh. How many more sleeps until the new season of The Hills starts :(

Hey Dasani, You Sure About This?

I'm not one to throw a stone, although I am, but Britney was working out a Bally's Total Fitness in Studio City again yesterday and, she losing any weight at all? I mean, you figured she'd look a little slimmer, but not so much with Britney. Maybe this is because she walks on the treadmill with sunglasses on? Anyway, Britney was shot enjoying some Dasani water and I'm pretty sure the folks over at Dasani are cringing kinda like when Lindsay was shot drinking Coke about 24-hours before she headed off to camp rehab.

In other Britney news updates that are either true or aren't true:
  • Britney is is talks to perform a major comeback show in Las Vegas, in which she'll earn $10 million.
  • Britney is back in the studio working on her next album and producers are saying she is great to work with and has that "it" factor
  • People working out at Britney's gym are pissed at her because she's been kicking them out of classes that they're taking so she can enjoy a private class. Do you really need to see Britney sweating and dry humping while at the gym? Actually, I would. I'd be pissed to.

Lindsay Ponders New Things to Steal

Like a drug addicted whore on a field trip to a meth lab, Lindsay No Pants put on her best Girl Scout costume and went shopping yesterday while in Cannes. She, of course, brought her pal Samantha Ronson who looks she she leaves a thick black ring around the tub and she also brought that random Asian kid who always seem to be in the background with either Lindsay Lohan or Lauren Conrad. The whole crack-head gang shopped at such discount stores as Dolce & Gabbana and, from the looks of Lindsay, Tello's....and from the looks of Samantha, the boys department at Bradlee's.

You almost forget that in order for us to see such award winning pictures as these that about 600 people must be following Lindsay at all times, so I tossed in a picture of that. I remember a little over a year ago I was in LA and spotted Lindsay leaving an AA meeting that was upstairs from a bar on Sunset Blvd (no joke) and there were about 40 paparazzo surrounding her car and then sitting on it. I'll never forget what I thought that day. "Damn, that poor poor Lindsay. She has so many God damn freckles."

Oprah's Going to Detoooooooox!

Surprise everyone! It's IBBB's Favorite Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiings! On the top of my favorite things list is Oprah and detoooooooooooox! Blessed Mother Oprah of the Winfrey's is tossing her ass on a 21-day detox plan, in which she says goodbye to such food as: animal, caffeine, sugar, gluten, alcohol, and small snacks in Gayle's booooooooooox! I hope they're filming this shit because I feel like I'm going to need to see Oprah in food detox. I have images of her strangling her audience members and that makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.

Oprah is going to be blogging (aka her staff will be logging into Oprah's blog pretending to be Oprah) to let people know all the ups and downs of her diet. Blessed Mother Oprah of the Winfrey's has said, "This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I'm willing to do to change. Don't know if I'm going to feel better or worse, but I'm willing to try to see if my body at least feels differently."

She still has a little time to get into bathing suit shape for John Travollllllllttttta!

Source It Up!

George Clooney Pulls a Matt Lauer

You guys are always giving me crap for only talking about the racks of celebrities and the girls showing their "gentleman greeters." So, on this Friday before Memorial Day, I thought I'd give something to the lady readers of IBBB. You asked for it, you get it. Enjoy a blury picture of George Clooney and his friend (who I believe is Kid Rock) vacationing in Puerto Vallarta without his blouse on. If you like seeing grandfathers at a 5 year olds pool party then this is the shot for you. Now don't say I don't give back to the readers.