Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Hills: Season 3 Finale

Oh Hills. Why have you forsaken me? What am I supposed to do now that you are over until August? I didn't really plan on spending the summer without you. I feel my emotions of last nights episode of The Hills can best be described in song (Kenny Rogers, 'Through the Years'):

I can't remember when you weren't there
When I didn't care for anyone but you
I swear we've been through everything there is
Can't imagine anything we've missed
Can't imagine anything the two of us can't do
Through the years you've never let me down
You turned my life around, the sweetest days I've found I've found with you
Through the years, I've never been afraid, I've loved the life we made
And I'm so glad I stayed, right here with you
Through the years!!

Ok well I feel better.

Here's what went down on last night's crapisode of The Hills:

  • Audrina and Justin Bobby are checking out Audrina's possible new apartment, which I assume is a dance studio. The large space really make Audrina's teeth pop. J Bob gives some great advice by telling Audrina that an apartment like this allows her to come home at night and go in her refrigerator. That's always a good reason to move. J Bob is supportive and Audrina is a walking corpse...with a tan.

  • Sandy Sanders finally spills the scripted beans that scripted Heidi is in scripted Vegas for scripted work buying a scripted casino. Steve Sanders tells Sandy Sanders that Heidi has scriptedly made Steve Sanders scriptedly lose his mind. They are both following the script and heading to scripted Vegas to make a scripted ass out of Heidi whilst she's in her scripted meeting having scripted drinks. What 21 year old who dropped out of fashion school can land a sweet job where she gets to help decide if her company should be a casino....a casino....A CASINO....is beyond me. No wonder why other countries hate our asses.

  • Speaking of asses, Heidi and crew are at the Sahara Hotel and Casino is Vegas, which if you've been is a shit hole. Perfect for them. Seriously, what the F is Heidi taking notes for? The dude, Sam, is giving a tour of the floor plan of the casino and is like "...and over here we'll put the bar..." and Heidi is writing that down. What is she writing? "Bar goes in middle of casino." This is the worst. Let me see that piece of paper. I bet it says, "Get more plastic surgery, dye hair whiter than Spencer's beard, send carrots to my horse in Crested Butte, practice walking with my shoulders not so high."

  • Yay! Whitney's back! Whitney's back wearing what I assume is a bedspread from a Boca Raton hotel from the early 80's and she's also back to help butcher the English language! Whitney continues to add the "K" sound at the end of every word that ends with a "G." For example when talking about Audrina she says: How's she doinK? She continues on by saying, "Maybe you guys are just driftinK?" Oh Whitney. It's time to practice your letters again because you're killinK me!

  • However, I do give Whitney bonus points for holding up a dress on a hanger and telling Lauren is reminds her of Audrina. Yes, me too. They're both lifeless objects and blinding in color. Season Finale Bonus Points are also awarded for the "Whitney Repeat" in which she repeates back something Lauren says and adds a word or two:
    Whitney: How's the house and being with her?
    Lauren: Honestly, I don't see her that much.
    Whitney: How do you guys not see each other much...in the house?

  • While Sandy and Steve Sanders were driving through Vegas to find Heidi I almost fell asleep. Then I saw a family of Spanish people in the background waiting for the bus and I smiled to myself because I realized The Hills really is all about diversity. Go green!

  • I'm not following the argument between Heidi and Steve Sanders at all. I'm not even sure if they're in the same room. They were probably photoshopped in together or some other type of "tv magic." They're kind of yelling at each other, but none of it's making sense. I'm forced to notice that the lighting is making Steve Sanders eyes all beady and Heidi looks like a raccoon. I bet she has rabies. That would explain the high shoulders at least.

  • In the end, Steve just wants Heidi to go back to LA with him. I assume he wants to give her rabies treatments and also needs someone to perm his hair for the summer.

  • Brent is all "brent" out of shape and tells Heidi she needs to get this under control and that it's no joke. Oh Brent. It's such a joke. The whole thing is one big f'n joke. If there was an Emmy for "Biggest Joke" this would be it....but The Hills wouldn't win because that award would have to go to Kathy Lee Gifford for her 4th hour of The Today Show. Sidenote.

  • Lo and Lauren are making dinner in their prom dresses because that's what you do when you are 21 and live in LA. They make crab cakes in honor of Lauren's case of crabs.

  • Audrina dissed out the girls dinner and you see her walking up the side of the house...kinda like she's a burglar.....a burglar with blindingly white teeth.

  • Meanwhile in Vegas, Brent and Sam are leaving for the airport and Heidi is nowhere to be found. They keep calling her, but she won't answer....just like a good employee. So they leave while 80's music beats are playing in the background. And cue Heidi, Steve Sanders, and Sandy Sanders with their luggage at the airport. Wow. That Heidi is truly defiant....and like Gem she's truly outrageous truly truly truly outrageous. Seriously, I hope she doesn't think she's going back to work after this. I'm sure she'll be able to find the same job somewhere else. I mean, she is very qualified to help make decisions like purchasing casinos. Maybe there are some territories in the United States that haven't been discovered yet. Put her ass on a boat and have her go explore. These are just some examples.

  • Well here's the moment we've all been waiting for and I'm pretty sure we've all seen it in the commercial already. Lauren goes back to Audrina's secret guesthouse to "talk" about the distance between them.

  • Lauren compliments the wonderful job Audrina did with her 2x4 guest house. It's like she's living in the tree-house in the backyard.

  • Audrina starts to backtalk to Lauren and Lauren will not have it! Audrina thanked Lauren for inviting her over for crab last night. No really, she said that. I now start thinking of Lauren and Audrina getting it on and I have no clue why Lauren is crying right now. Ok, so I rewind it and it's because Audrina told Lauren that Lo was pushing them apart.

  • Lauren cries over this and uses her man-hands to wipe away the tears. I'm pretty sure Lauren is crying because she can't keep a friend to save her life. While Lauren cries, Audrina just sits there and says "ok." I'm torn between figuring out if this scene is scripted and I'm leaning towards it's not. I know, go figure.

  • Lauren leaves Audrina's tree-house and heads back into her mansion....nothing has been resolved, nor does it really matter as it's boring as hell.

  • Meanwhile, Steve Sanders and Heidi head back into their apartment....nothing has been resolved, nor does it really matter as it's boring as hell.

  • No joke, this was a terrible season finale. I mean, I'm definitely watching the next season in August, but there better be some good crap going on. Hopefully Heidi will get pregnant and perform plastic surgery on her unborn child in her womb. Maybe Audrina will get arrested for beating the piss out of Justin Bobby. Perhaps Lo will realize she's borderline pointless and play "murder suicide" with her and Lauren. Then, and only then, can they bring back Lisa Love, Elodie, and Heidi's dog from Season One and start a whole new show. I should write for them.

Well, that's all folks. Thanks for sticking with me each week for these craptasic recaps. Hopefully you won't leave this little blog, only to return in August. There's plenty of other crap you can read here each and every day! What did you guys think of this Season Finale? Good? Bad? Indifferent? What did I miss?

Past Hills Recaps

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Anonymous said...

OK, why was Heidi, Steve Sanders, and Sandy Sanders at the airport. Didn't Spencer drive, wouldn't Heidi ride back with Steve Sanders??? When they pull up to the apartment they're in his car. OK I forgot its the scripted Hills.

Another great recap, Tuesday will not be the same.

Shannon said...

LOL I luv this! Why can't The Hills be on every day?

Did you notice how proud Lo was of herself when she said that all fish cooks fast. That schooling is really paying off.

Anonymous said...

I didn't think that Spencer and Heidi were at the airport. I thought when they were going down the escalater they were leaving the hotel...to get into his car to drive home.

So, Spencer moved back in, big shocker! I can't believe that's how they ended it. They should have ended it with Brent firing Heidi.

A few of the scenes from season 4 look good though. I hope Lo kicks Blahdrina's a$$!

Anonymous said...

No Jen Bunny. Not once. I don't think.

KC said...

Lo is crosseyed.

Katie said...

"Whitney continues to add the "K" sound at the end of every word that ends with a "G." For example when talking about Audrina she says: How's she doinK? She continues on by saying, "Maybe you guys are just driftinK?""

Thank you for writing about this. It has been pissing me off since Whiteney the first time Whitney spoke.

Anonymous said...

I hate Lo! I want Audrina to beat her ass... I was pretty proud of Audrina for semi-standing up to Lauren... Lauren was bullying her and saying "when did I do that? When?" And Audrina gave her a mom-warning look and said "Laaauuuuren." Good for her!! And did anyone catch that when Lauren called Audrina to dinner, she was really loud, and then Lo kinda semi-whispered..."Audrina, dinner..." So funny... Lo hates Audrina.

Anonymous said...

Audrina sucks, I hope she moves out. When Lauren asked her what she did to Audrina, she couldn't even state one instance that Lauren wronged her. If Audrina has a problem with Lo, she should take it up with her and stop being so whiny and bitchy to Lauren. Audrina shouls stick to what she knows best- porno pics and douchebags like Justin Bobby!

Pop Culture said...

Yeah it wasn't until this epsiode that I really noticed Whitney pronoucing her "k's" at the end of every "G." Good for her, it's clearly time to change up the Enlish language.

Good call Anonymous on them leaving the hotel and not the airport. I guess I just assumed it was the airport. I'm just a "the glass is half empty" kind of guy.

I actually didn't think Audrina sucked this season. I mean, she was boring but she seemed nice. Yes I just said that. I'm hoping Audrina jumps ship soon in order to make room for Kritin Cavallari. That's just hoping.


cnap786 said...

you can't tell me that in that mansion they have, there are only 2 bedrooms. SCRIPTED!!!

tomtom said...

THANK THANK THANK THANK YOU! for pointingk out the k's at the end of every word that ends with an 'ing' that comes out of whitney's mouth!! I have been tellingK all my fellow Hills watchers about it and they either don't notice it, or it doesn't bother them!! WTF! It's soooo noticeable! It's been drvingk me nuts all season...and NO...that "episode" last night, was not a complete episode...it was like 10 minutes longk...and you're right (as usual) nothingk was reslovedk...

Anonymous said...

I thought it was an airport tOo!! That mansion, worth well over $2 million, DEF has more than 2BR's. Does any1 wonder who is paying for all of this (DUHH prob Lauren w/ the $25,000 and episode) but what about Lo and "Blahdrina" (LMAO I love her new name). Maybe Blahdrina lives in the tree house b/c shes a receptionist and can't afford to pay (Lauren?!?) what Lo pays every month b/c Lo does________________ (<--fill in the blank, your guess is as good as mine!). Season 4 with Lo and Blahdrina yelling at each other does look good. 1 last question--WHY did Lauren chop her locks if she just wear extensions alllllllllllllllll the time now?!?

blahblahblog said...

What a completely forgetful, anti-climatic season endink!
Finally Blahdrina dig stick up for herself, but barely. When Lauren shed tears and Blahdrina put on her usual "just stare straight ahead and everything will be okay" face I wanted to shake her.
Lo's turning into the Heather Locklear of cast. Shady.

I liked your whole scripted Vegas commentary. So true. Heidi having that job is such utter bullshit.
I was wondering what she was writing too.
I wonder what she'll do???!!!
And if Lauren will ever get a boyfriend again???!!!
Oh, the drama!

Anonymous said...

A craptastic recap of a truly craptastic finale! Here are my thoughts:

o Bonus points for noticing Withey's super annoying K's. That has been bugging me the whole friggin season.

o Is it just me or has Brent had some work done lately? He must be at least 40, but now looks like a 41 year old trying to pull off the style of a 20 year old. Come to think of it - Lauren looks decent to. Maybe they got a discount from Heidi's plastic surgeon. Wait...LC still has traces of unmaskable sun damage under her eyes (The face of Avon mark, yeah right). Maybe they all just had a facial.

o Hell yeah Audrina! The true finale of this show was that the puppet that is Audrina finally stood up to the puppetmaster that is Lauren. With her comment "Lauren..." she marked the end of an era where she no longer will put up with shit. I'm sure the writers have been planning that from the beginning. Lo is officially the new head sidekick, i.e puppet.

o Now that Audrina has risen as a phoenix, who will enter as the new douche? Sadly, it can't be Cami, because she has bigger balls than Lauren. And it can't be Kristin, because she knows better and is cuter than Lauren. My bet is on Stephen!

Pop Culture said...

Oh good call with Cami! Wouldn't that be a treat from Jesus if she showed up though, although I do think that goes against The Hills All White Cast All the Time.

I do like the name "Blahdrina." Bonus points for whoever made that up.

Time to nickname Lo. LOser. Yeah. I'm cool.


Oyster Girl said...

I am so glad you mentioned Whitney's speech impediment...it has driven me to distraction since day one!

And I am all for CAMI joining the cast---she would rock their worlds!!!!!

tomtom said...

I just love that not only do we watch the show religiously and probably get crap from our friends, esp. since most of us are probably really close to 30...but the fact that we all watch with such a critical eye, that we notice things like 'Blahdrina'(love it by the way)...addingk k's to everythingk she says, but...also things like sun-damage, dead eyes...million dollar homes owned by 20 year olds that atleast 2 of them don't have jobs...I think my friends, despite aht our friends may say...we are simply cooler and more observant than them...keep up the good work kids!

tomtom said...

ps: it would be so fun if you changed this blog to be:

I'm BringingK BloggingK Back