Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Outdoor Fun With Harriet Carter!

By the constant itching of my eyes I can tell that Spring has sprung and by "sprung" I mean "declared jihad on my eyes, nose, and throat." This Spring, Harriet tricks mom and dad into a stylish burial, reminds us of our love for plastic animals, and helps us to make sure we don't break our backs with pointless digging rituals. Let's go!Product # 1 - Looking for a cost effective way to bury mom and dad this Spring? Luckily since Mother's Day and Father's Day are so close together you can purchase their "gardening gift" and tombstone all at the same time! What a treat from Satan herself! Simply buy these gardening rocks that say "Dad's Garden" and "Mom's Garden" and place them spaced out 2-feet apart in the backyard. Mom and Dad will be squealing with delight at their gift and your wallet will be squealing with delight when Mom and Dad kick the bucket and all you have to do is paint over the word "garden" on the stone. Presto Chango! You've got yourself a fully functioning tombstone. If you really want to go the extra mile you can carve little lines at the top of each tomato to make it into a heart and place a picture of yourself in the center of the sunflower to transform it into the actual sun itself. You're pretty much all set with the Mom tombstone as Mom was always a giver and required little work. Now you can either paint over the word "garden" on her stone or just add the word "eternal" above it so it reads "Mom's Eternal Garden." I've just saved you thousands of dollars and helped you with a Mother's Day/Father's Day gift all at the same time. Thanks, Harriet, see you in hell!
Product # 2 - Boy do I love animals. More importantly, I love animals who typically carry the rabies virus. What better way to celebrate my love of all things "animal" then with some real neat plastic squirrels that I can nail up to my tree! For added effect, feel free to drill little holes in the sides of their mouths and add one cup of baking soda and 1 cup of vinegar. Have your kids watch in amazement when these squirrels start foaming from the mouth just like the real ones that actually do have rabies and are sure to attack your kids any chance they get. It's strange that these squirrels are brown because where I'm from they are dirty and grey and usually have slash marks on the sides of their disease infested bodies. It's fun to listen to them fight with skunks in the middle of the night. Nothing says "animal of God" quite like the voice of a squirrel being attacked. Amen. Anyway, these cute nail-on plastic squirrels will send the right message to your impressionable kids, which is: Look how friendly squirrels are and they typically don't ever move, so why not go up to one and split half your sandwich with them. They'll show their appreciated by clawing at your face and biting your neck. No big deal, a series of rabies shots is a fun process overall.
Product # 3 - Digging for no reason at all in the summer? Well if you're an adult and still believe that you can dig your way to China, why does Harriet Carter have the product for you! Now go and put on your tightest jeans and get ready to dig without bending over at all. You'll reach a nice sushi restaurant in China faster this way. Luckily Harriet is using helpful yellow arrows to show how bent her back was before and then how straight her back was after. Before, it looks like the only way to straighten out this chicks back is through a series of complicated surgeries. But the after has her well on her way to recovery all while smiling as she digs for her dreams. Looks like it may take a little longer actually, because on the before picture she has a nice pile of dirt going, but in the after she only has a little. I'm actually pretty sure this chick isn't digging to China, but instead has located the ideal spot for tossing the body of her dead boyfriend. It's vital that you don't hurt your back while disposing of the body because once you need to explain to the authorities how you pulled out your back you might as well start practicing your prison songs. Thanks Harriet for keeping us out of prison and standing at attention!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Freaking hilarious!! I love the tombstone one... one suggestion is that you might want to place those tombstones two feet apart and get mom and dad to go ahead and start digging and working on their "gardens." Then by the time they kick the bucket they will have dug a good six feet down, don't ya think?!

Not Easily Pleased said...

"Freaking hilarious!!" might be how Tom Cruise would describe this week's entry. For me, it's the first time in MONTHS that I have opted not to forward the Harriet Carter write up on to others... I didn't laugh at all.

Pop Culture said...

No laughy laughy, Not Easily Pleased? I liked the plastic squirrels myself, but oh well.

Anonymous said...

Why don't you go buy one of those headstones with your name on it and start digging, not easily pleased..????
Love ya! Mean it!

Shannon said...

Everyone can have their own opinion, but IBBB's Harriet Carter is consistantly funny and this one was too. Sure it may not have been his best but did you write to NBC when a certain Friends or Seinfeld episode wasn't your favorite? Of course you didn't because you know it's good 99% of the time. And yes I did compare IBBB to Friends and Seinfeld. It's one of the best hidden blogs out there and I'm glad that I've been reading it since day 1. When IBBB makes it big hopefully he'll remember us little fans.

Not Easily Pleased said...

Nope, sorry: My opinion is "this one isn't as funny as past columns," and I've been reading for months now and went back and read all the archives when I started visiting this site. It is only my opinion, so implying I should dig a grave for myself because of it is a smidge extreme, as is the idea that I am not entitled to my opinion unless "Friends" or "Seinfeld" is on my resume. -?- Maybe those who feel I shouldn't express any thoughts that cannot be classified as "praise" are the same people who brought us "every kid gets a trophy" in little league. But nonetheless, since I write for a living and am paid rather nicely for it, and since I have a page-long list of writing awards in the advertising industry spanning the past nearly 20 years -- and, of course, only if this still is America (I haven't checked lately to see how far Dubyah's gotten with obliterating our all personal freedoms -- maybe you're more up to speed on that than I am), I'm gonna go ahead and stand by my personal assessment. Also, just FYI "real" writers know how to accept criticism and don't really require a cadre of blog fans rushing in to help ease the crushing blow of one person saying "hey, you can do better" -- so I think IBBB's gonna be ok without your insistance that he's never written anything that wasn't gold.

Pop Culture said...

kids, kids let's not fight. the white-trash Harriet Carter products should be bringing us together, not tearing us apart!

Not everyone is going to like everything I write every time. That's the way it goes. "Not Easily Pleased" don't sweat it AND more importantly, you are a professional writer??? Um, how can you help me get out of this sweatshop I call a blog and get me to write for something good?? S.O.S Please help!

-IBBB