Monday, June 30, 2008

...In Other News...

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore white-trashed up their weekend by doing a little go-kart racing with the kids. Shouldn't Demi be tested before being allowed to drive that go-kart? She's old. That was clear, right? In other news...

~ What Tennis Douche Hates Anna Kournikova? ~ AgentBedHead
~ Gossip Girl Sideboob Friends ~ DSF
~ Check Out An Olsen on Letterman ~ Websters
~ Celebrities in 1993! ~ CS
~ American Idol Ghosts of the Past ~ DListed
~ The Real Housewives of Atlanta ~ POTP
~ Holy Shoulderpads Batman! ~ Ayyyy
~ Angelina Jolie Has Been Spotted ~ Yeeeah
~ A Kardashian Birthday ~ IDWYL
~ Where is Amy Winehouse Today? ~ PopBytes
~ Samantha Rotten is a Blogger Now Too ~ Bricks
~ So is Jennifer Garner On or Off the Market? ~ Fatback
~ Kanye is Pissy Again ~ NinjaDude
~ What's the Deal with Rob Lowe's Nanny? ~ Celebitchy

Give Britney Her Kids Back, Y'all!

Time to oil the screen door on the trailer because August is going to be a big month for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Britney and KFed had gone into mediation recently over custody issues with their two kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One," but they couldn't really agree on anything (except the fact that their both white trash with money). KFed wants sole physical and legal custody of the kids and he wants Britney to stick with her 3 days a week visitation program. KFed also took a minute to talk about a new song he's working on called, "Daddy's Home." It should more appropriately be called, "Daddy's Home Because of Mommy's Money."

In other Britney news, it's also that time of year when the "Britney Spears may perform at the MTV VMA's" rumors go into first gear. The President of MTV states that they're not ruling anything out and that everyone deserves a second and third chance. I think it would be more fun watching Jamie Lynn Spears and Britney Spears taking care of their kids for 3 minutes 50 seconds live on stage. I'd like to see that instead. I'll write a letter.

Britney is pictured above over the weekend crying.....again. Maybe it's because her hair still looks like there's a family of chipmunks living in it or perhaps it's because her shorts look like the backdrop of the opening credits of the TV show "In Living Color." Or maybe, just maybe, the bra that she actually remembered to put on this time is cutting into her rack attack. The possibilities are endless.

An Olsen vs. Spencer Pratt? It's like "Sophie's Choice" for Me!

What does one do when their two favorite worlds collide? You first pray to your Santa and then you write a letter to your Jesus. That's what I do and it always seems to provide me with a sense of peace. An indistinguishable Olsen and Spencer Pratt are getting into a bit of a faux-fight thanks to David Letterman.

To quickly catch you up, the Olsen in question was on Letterman the other night and disclosed that she went to high school with Spencer and he had quite the temper whilst on the soccer field. The Olsen also mentioned that he stomped off the field a few times (like a little bitch, I will add). I'm hoping that Spencer still has the temper issues and forced Heidi to either accidentally answer the iron from time to time or gave her a good shiner due to her burning the roast. While I don't condone violence, I do in this case and I'm sure you all agree.

Moving forward, once Spencer caught wind of this Olsen-diss, he immediately told Us Weekly (once they finished blowing him) the following:

"I don't really care why she used my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin."

Oh sookie sookie! You told her. Let's clear one thing up, though. They are both equally less cute.

So who do I side with? Steve Sanders from The Hills or an Olsen Slut? Why must I decide? Why would God do this to me? Haven't I suffered enough by not having The Hills on right now? Sometimes life really is so unfair. It makes me question God.

Hey! That's My Attention Whore!

I love attention whores. I also love whores. What a delightful combination those two make. Christina Aguioejrelslklajfoewjwla likes to lead a low-key life so she figured her best bet to get a quiet bite to eat was to head out to his hidden gem of a restaurant called The Ivy. The Ivy. Have you heard of it? Probably not. Most people haven't. Somehow the paparazzi just happened to be there and were ready to attack her for a photo and possibly even her lobster risotto in a doggie bag.

Seriously, I've been to The Ivy on every trip I've ever taken to LA because, like Christina, I too am an attention whore and whenever I show up with my Red Sox hat on people always take a second look as they figure I am either someone from New Kids on the Block, Matt Damon, and well, that pretty much wraps it up. For me, this is as close to celebrity as I'm ever going to get. Anyway, the food there sorta blows. Well, it doesn't blow as much as you need to blow in order to pay the check as it is way overpriced. Either way, you only go there to be seen and I am one of the losers that goes just to check out the celebrities. However, I would like to go on the record as saying that even though I make fun of these celebrities in the unlikely event my life ever turns into that I will totally be the type who goes to these places just to be seen. I will also spend a ton of time at local malls in random states so I could get swarmed by tons of people. I think that's a healthy goal to have.

Kristin Cavallari Makes Golf Watchable

I know you guys are rolling your eyes and dotting your t's, but I still love me some Kristin Cavallari. Sure her voice is annoying, but have you ever heard my Boston accent? It's a match made in heaven and by "heaven" I really mean "jail." Kristin Cavallari was taking her best put at a random celebrity gold tournament in Miami, Florida just the other day. Finally, golf is watchable. I like the fact that she's wearing high heeled skank shoes whilst on the course and a dress short enough that she could have easy access to one of those little mini-golf pencils, should she choose to store one up there. I think it's efficient.

Anyway, when are those rumors going to start up again that Kristin is to appear on The Hills. Did I start those rumors? One may never know. Regardless, she should "put on pause" those direct-to-dvd movies that she's so good at and come back to what she does best: Looking hot and acting like a total "C" on fauxality TV shows for MTV.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Getting to Know YOU!

Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU! Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingBack. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the past week and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.
  • brody breaks bathroom stall promise (he totally did, liar.)
  • freckles and tanning (too late dina/lindsay)
  • what sluts wear (slutty clothes)
  • woman who dug up her dead boyfriend to drink the beer that was burried with him (she sounds like my kind of gal!)
  • does a green porch light mean drug use (no it means the lady has been dead since christmas)
  • don't you want to see these clothes on me (no, heidi, we don't)
  • dump in her pants (doris?)
  • "how to send hate mail" and not get caught (let me know what you find)
  • "i look a bit like sarah jessica parker" (ouch! man hands and all?)
  • "looking right at the camera" cock mouth (pervs)
  • african american girl nurses rinse poop in dirty underwear in hospital public patients toilets (wait, what??)
  • audrina's beaver teeth (that's like two birds with one stone)
  • bette midler diet plan (non-existent)
  • check out the hook while my (dj revolves it)
  • comeback sayings about whores and skanks (you've arrived at the right place)
  • dakota fanning wet the bed (chris hanson is here to see you)
  • did the celts perform circumsisions (only on the Lakers)
  • don't live in a house with bird droppings all over the walls (yeah, don't)

This Time Last Year: Michael Lohan

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyone's favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Michael Lohan spelling like his daughter drinks...this time last year...

Michael Lohan is a wicked good speller. Now look, I definitely have more words spelled incorrectly on this blog than spelled correctly, but at least I know how to spell the names of the people in my family. By now you've seen Michael Lohan's press release where he spells his own daughters name incorrectly:

"I look forward to order being restored to the chaos that our family life has become. Lyndsay, Michael, Ali and Cody need stability and both of their parents in their lives. I am anxious to spend time with them and end this cruel, needless separation."

Old news, right? Sure. However, IBBB has got another letter written by Michael Lohan to Lindsay. Let's see how he did...

Ohhh not bad. He got some of them right. Insert applause here ________

Thursday, June 26, 2008

...In Other News...

Audrina Buys Stuff Off Her Rack

Audrina, her teeth, and her rack were all out shopping yesterday at DDCLAB in LA. There's not really much to talk about with Audrina, but I'm wondering if Tori Spelling is wondering who stole her 90's boobs?
While at DDCLAB, Audrina and her rack bought a bunch of bikinis and some dresses. While leaving the store, the creative paparazzi asked her if she liked surfers or the paparazzi better. Audrina, who is the Lucille Ball of our generation, quickly answered back, "You are multi talented. You are eating lunch while you shoot." Applause, applause. Oh Audrina! You should be one of the writers on The Hills!
The Hills is still currently shooting their latest season which will debut on MTV in like 55 more sleeps.

Source It Up!

Nicole Richie Gets Non Reality TV Work

Nicole Richie had to bring her bony ass back to traffic school (pictured above) the other day which stems back from that one time when she used her SUV as a war missile and drove it the wrong way up the highway. Wait, is that typically frowned upon? She looks psyched to be there. And fat.

In other Nicole Richie news (that doesn't have to do with her baby) she is set to guest star in the NBC show "Chuck" next season as the old high-school bitch bag of one of the main stars of the show. Very fitting. It's good that Nicole is getting some acting work. I mean she is totally qualified to do so. She said "that's hot" in about 3 seasons of The Simple Life, so what more credentials do you need? Clearly, Chuck is jumping the shark....the very skinny shark.....with alien like toes.....and really really big sunglasses......and a shark father who's Lionel Richie.

Meet Olsenkowasaki!

I've been hitting the Olsen lottery lately! An indistinguishable Olsen was at The Cinema Society and Sony Cierge Host a Screening of "The Wackness" the other night. Who cares, right? Exactly. Except this is one of the best Mary-Michelle-Ashely-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen sightings of ALL time, for me, because this Olsen is dressed all Japanese and stuff AND it reminds me of that one Full House episode when Michelle calls Japan and just says "Moshi Moshi dude!" That was a defining moment in your life it was in mine, right? Right??

Anyway, this Olsen is almost ready to show teeth, but not quite yet. Ever since I read that article that states that instead of saying "cheese" when their picture is taken they say "prune" so they get that shit-smile I can't look at them the same. They should be saying "Uncle Jesse is it ok to cry" when their picture is taken. At least I would crack a smile. Whores.

Brad and Angelina are Totally Giving Me Money!

Jackpot! According to Us Weekly, who have taken a week off from blowing the cast of The Hills, Brad and Angelina are giving $1 million to kids affected by the war! Finally the war is working in my favor! I have no idea what I'm going to spend the on, but I know it's going to be on something big like a kegerator or something. I deserve it as I am affected by the war. The war has really ruined my television viewing experience since every time I turn it on there's always another story about it. Blah blah, Osama bin Laden....blah blah blah, oil.....blah, blah, blah Baghdad Bob. Enough. Now give me my money!

Oh wait, there's one stipulation I guess. I must be a child living in Iraq. Ugh. I knew I should have moved once they took Laguna Beach off the air. The Jolie-Pitt Foundation will give $500K to Iraqi kids and $500K to American kids who lost a parent while fighting in Iraq or just have a parent who is currently in Iraq. If I ship my dad off for a "vacation" to Iraq does that count? I'm just kidding, dad, there is no vacation planned for you.

Source It Up!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

...In Other News...

We Almost Lost Paris Hilton

This Clip is in Quicktime. If You Don't Have Quicktime, Too Bad.
You really find Jesus at a time like this. Folks, we almost lost our national treasure (besides Heidi Montard) as Paris Hilton was leaving the Kate Somerville Skin Care Experts Salon in LA yesterday and almost fell down a flight of stairs. She must have had a guardian angel on her bony shoulder because she maintained her balance after she only slid down a few steps. Reminiscent of when Whitney Port (from The Hills) slid down the stairs on live television during a Good Morning America segment, Paris remained composed at all times and continued on with her pointless life.
Once Paris completed her near death experience she tried to get into her Bentley, but was unable to open the door. Opening doors is tough. Her boyfriend, Benji Madden, tried to help her, but was unable to and random black SUV picked them up. Note to self: There is an abandon Bentley in front of the Kate Somerville salon.
Thank you, my baby Jesus, for protecting Paris Hilton. I don't know what I would write about if your took her to heaven and by "took her to heaven" I actually mean "deservedly sent her to hell." I'll see her there.

Britney, Dressed Like Camp Counselor, Gets Granted Overnights With Kids "What's His Face" and 'The Other One."

Beverly Hills what a thrill, Beverly Hills! It's cookie time, it's cookie time! Britney Spears, dressed like a camp counselor, was allegedly granted overnight visits with her two kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One" while in court with K Fed yesterday. Is Britney allowed overnights with herself yet? I thought she was being watched like an old Italian lady with a big purse in a deli? Anyway, after the good news came from the court Britney went for a little celebratory shopping at Fred Segal and was, to no surprise, hounded by the paparazzi.

Dare I say that Britney looks almost good in these photos? It has everything I like, pants almost tight enough to expose some cameltoe, a tight shirt where her boobs could pop out at a moments notice, and that pissed off look that makes her look like she's a pig in bed and also a pig not in bed, but for different reasons. Britney almost looks decent until she ties back that stringy hair and all of a sudden her hairline looks like the inside of a baseball. How the hell long does it take for hair to grow back?

And I Am Telling Youuuuu, Those Boobs Are About to Pop Out and You're Gonna Love 'Em!

I'm guessing this is what Dora the Explorer will sorta look like when she grows up and sprouts a rack? Yes? Jennifer Hudson and her pushed up smooshed down bombs were ready to bust the buttons off that dress, but still maintained to partially stand up while on the red carpet at the BET Awards in LA last night. It was nice that Jennifer really dressed things up with her bowl cut. It really makes her thick neck pop.

In other Jennifer Hudson news, J Jugs also debuted her new music video, "Spotlight," on BET last night which was directed by Chris Robinson. If you live music videos you should watch it. If you don't like music videos you should not watch it. That's basically the only 2 options I'm ready to give you at this time.

Oprah Talks All Crazy While on Diet

So, uh, Oprah is all tweaking out and junk from her 21 day detox diet. Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey completed her diet and then took to her blog to write down some thoughts that I kind of have no clue what she's talking about. Let's take a look into the detoxed brain of Oprah, shall we?

"Day 21...yes I want some wine. Bordeaux 82. Just one glass at sunset, almost broke down and had a glass. I didn't, mostly because of my commitment to fellow VCTers. Tomorrow Scarlet...tomorrow is another day. That's my mantra for now. This has been exactly what we intended: enlightening. I will forever be a more cautious and conscious eater. That's my commitment for now. To stay awakened. "

Yowza. That's almost word for word what the drunken homeless dude I walk by on my way to work said to me this morning. What in the holy hell is Oprah talking about? Why do I feel that all of a sudden at the Oprah compound she is reenacting that Bugs Bunny episode when those two guys are shipwrecked and keep looking at each other like they're a pork chop and hot dog? And you know Gayle is the hot dog. You just know it.

Oh well, hopefully Oprah sticks to her detox plan and goes completely insane. At least her show will be watchable then.

Source: Oprah's Blooooooooog!

Harriet Carter: Smile for the Deaf Bitch!

Harriet Carter Wednesday is a special day, mainly because I say it is. In this weeks installment, Harriet takes pictures that differ from the reality, helps some old lady bother everyone, and makes sure a little bitch gets her way. All in a weeks work! Let's go!

Product # 1 - Trying to get a snapshot of your ugly family, but are afraid to ask someone to take your picture in fear that they'll steal that $19.99 camera you bought for your trip to the beach in, apparently, the winter? What a beautiful setting for a family photo. Now is that technically swamplands behind them? And why the hell is the dad in short sleeves, the mom about 10 buttons undone, and the kid in a full white wool sweater and matching hat? I'm calling DSS. Oh, and real nice job protecting your daughter's (??) eyes from the sun. The poor kid is practically blind in one eye and you both have your '80's shades on. Good parenting. Why not just light matches in her eyes? So, the picture is finally taken and it doesn't match up with how they're posing at all. In fact, I don't even think that's the same kid. Looks like they're trying to pull the old "Olsen Switcheroo" on us. The kids face looks more in pain in the "after" than the "before." Hopefully he/she is taking the cutest little dump on mommy's arm.

Product # 2 - Oh please it's hardly emergency when you can't open the pickle jar. What an inconvenience this lady is. From the looks of her I'm sure she pushed all her family and friends away from her which is why she's alone. Now she's forced to bother the poor people who answer the "phone" at Life Alert. Hopefully this bitch is getting a busy signal when she presses the button. Ugh. She doesn't even look hurt. She looks like she's ready to complain that her morning paper was delivered at 9:02 instead of 9:00 like it has been for the past 214 yrs. Here are some "issues" I'm sure she's bothering these people with:

  • I've been sitting with shit in my pants since Monday. Can you send someone?

  • I'm sorry, what? What? Come again?

  • No, you called me. No, you just called me. Pretty bird, pretty bird.

  • ..and then I said to Christopher, "No, I'm driving the Nina, you go in either the Pinta or the Santa Maria."

  • I smell burnt toast and just fell off my chair. Is this problematic?

  • What's that noise is?

  • If you won't bring back The Honeymooners let me talk to your supervisor.

  • No, you called me.

  • How short is too short for a ladies haircut?

  • BINGO!

  • What time are my stories on?

  • Would you like a hard candy?

  • My boobs are caught in my belt, can you send someone?

  • No, you called me.

Product # 3 - Oh this bitch again? Didn't we just see her baking brownies with that same smug look on her face a few weeks ago? How old is too old to give your kid up for adoption? Because the first time I see my kid make that little bitch face I'm packing up all her shit immediately which probably will only consist of that lollipop, a barbie doll, and birth control pills (I want to make sure she never reproduces). I'll also be sending Grandma for a little "dirt nap." Grandma is totally to blame for this little bitch probably taking the morning after pill like it's tic-tacs. Sidenote, I'm craving those orange tic-tacs now. Anyway, back to this skank. Do all little bitches suck lollipops? Well I guess we should just be glad she's only sucking on a lollipop. It starts with this and next thing you know she's signing up for "Amature Night Monday's" and doing $2 dollar sucky sucky on Tuesday's and Thursday's for a little pocket money to support her weekend meth addiction. Just a guess. Anyway, if this bitch was my kid she'd be punished until she was at least 18, assuming the adoption agency gave her back since she'll be such a terror there no one will want her. I can't wait to have kids!

Rihanna and Chris Brown Not Dating

Tale as old as time, Beauty and the Beast. Rihanna was showing off her new Pinocchio haircut at the BET Awards red carpet yesterday while in her Beauty and the Beast outfit. It really was a Disney day for Rihanna.

Rihanna was on The View the other day and when asked about her relationship with Chris Brown, Rihanna stated, "We hang out a lot. We are very close. But we are not dating. We are very close, very, very close." However, Barbara Walters must have been smelling burnt toast because she then asked the difference between dating and how they see their relationship to which Rihanna replied back, "There's a big difference and I think you know that."

Whether or not these two are dating makes no difference to me. The point is, kids, is that Rihanna is dressed like a Disney character. That's all.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

...In Other News... is reporting that Heather Locklear has gone all 6's and 7's and checked her ass into a treatment center for depression and anxiety and a full evaluation of her medication. My thoughts and prayers will not be with Heather as the focus of all my recent thoughts and prayers are for an outstanding Heidi Montag "Fashion" music video. All IBBB readers, please pray for that instead. It means more. In other news...

Heidi's Song "FASHION" is Pure Magic!!

Full URL

Oh wait, I'm sorry, what? I think, I think this was sent to me as Heidi Montard's new song, but I pressed play and listened to it and I'm pretty certain that Mother Mary and all the angels and saints are singing this song. Just when I thought Heidi couldn't technically get any worse she fell through the shit floor, fell into a bunch of shit, busted through that shit, and then picked up that shit, ate some of that shit, flossed her teeth with that shit, garggled with that shit, and then sang this song. Clearly, this is the highlight of my week.

Heidi's new song, "Fashion" sounds similar to that beautiful and talented singer "Shauna" who sang "Never Gonna Be, the Same Again" from the movie Teen Witch. Still with me? Anyway, just when I'm like what in the holy hell is Heidi singing I think she started going all Chinese or some shit. Is that French? Yuck.

Now keep in mind that according to Us Weekly, Heidi said about the song "It's the greatest song of my life." It really is. I'm thinking they should start up the Olympic games with this song....or at least the Special Olympics with it. Yeah, I went there.

I'm really looking forward to the music video. My money is on it being Heidi singing in the petite department at Sears while Specer tapes it with his cell phone. Yes/No?

Oh well. It's never gonna be, the same again. It's never gonna be (never gonna be) the same again.

Fashion Put it All on Me

Sad Source

Did Colin Farrell Catch the Anorexia?

Nicole Richie better step it up on the treadmill because these recent photos of Colin Farrell running on the beach are showing him close to her pre-pregnancy weight. Colin is in the process of filming his upcoming movie, Triage, in which he plays a war reporter in 1990's Bosnia. Sounds riveting and by "riveting" I really mean "suck bag."

Colin insists that he's lost the weight to make his character more authentic and has done it in a very healthy way. I guess coke is healthy, but I thought I read somewhere that it's addicted. Meth worked best for Jodie Sweetin. I would try a mix between Meth and laxatives. I'd like to tweak out while I'm performing explosive diarrhea on the toilet. Now where was I? Oh yes.

So just a helpful suggestion for Kirstie Alley, Raven Simone, Queen Latifah, John Goodman, and Kim Kardashian's ass: You guys should totally sign up to do one of those Bosnian war movies. Right?

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Ashanti & Nelly. My Time Machine Works!

Ashanti and Nelly are apparently relevant again! Ashanti, in a Barney purple prom dress, and Nelly, minus his trademark bandaid on his face, were quite the 2001 power couple at the pre-BET Awards dinner at Vibiana in LA last night. Nelly was honored to be the co-host of the BET event.

So I'm going to pretend I sort of care for a second. Are these two really a couple? Seems like they're always pictured together and I'm pretty sure they've been going out for years now, but Ashanti recently gave this statement to People Magazine:

"Me and Nelly, we're good friends. We Kick it - hang out a lot. No engagement, but definitely in the future."

Does she have one of those "deals" with her friend that says if we're not both married by the time we're 35 let's just get married? I've one of those. I actually have about 6 of those deals. At first it just seemed like really good planning, but the more girls I have enter into this deal the closer I will eventually get to start my own Polygamy Sect and move to Texas and have everyone wear blue, green, and pink paper dresses. Ahhh, one can dream.

An Olsen in About 20

All the A-List stars were out the other night for the premiere of "The Butler's in Love." Well, it wasn't so A-List and about half of the people walking the red carpet were related to the films director, David Arquette. Technically, by law, Courtney Cox had to be there. Jesse Spano was there because, basically, she had a green leather jacket to wear and figured it had been a week since she made people nervous with her freaky eyes. Anyway, you'll notice in the first photo that Rosanna Arquette was there to support her brothers film. I figured it was important to post this picture in order to allow the Olsen Sluts a glimpse into their future. This is exactly how they'll both be looking in about 20 more years. I know, that's mean. I'm just kidding. They're not going to look like that in 20 years. They'll be dead in 20 years. Good day.

Monday, June 23, 2008

...In Other News...

Ebony and Retardory

Heidi Montard, who apparently is taking hairstyling tips from Dina Lohan, was not only showing her support (and horselike features) at the Boost Mobile Rock Corps concert at the Gibson Amphitheatre in CA the other night, but she also really showed her talent while on stage with 30 Rock's Tracy Morgan. What a match made in heaven and by "heaven" I mean "hell." It's Opposites Day here at IBBB!

Steve Sanders was also there and remained extremely low-key while Heidi took to the stage and performed her ass off. What a real treat this must have been for everyone involved. I'm still wishing that her horse from Crested Butte would make a cameo every once in a while. It's not fair to that horse and, as you know, I am a major animal lover and feel that the horse is being unjustly punished.

In other Heidi and Steve Sanders news, Stephanie Pratt (Sandy Sanders) has been telling people lately that supposedly Heidi and Steve Sanders will be getting married in the next few months. I find that hard to believe. And, there is NO WAY they would EVER film it for an episode of The Hills or for a spinoff....or for a special. No way. These two would never sell out like that.

Lindsay Lohan is Sidewalk Camouflage

I don't know why Lindsay No Pants will never listen to me. She's always about 2 inches from Freddie Krueger and just doesn't seem to care that she's about to get slashed at a moments notice. Anyway, Samantha Rotten and Lindsay No Pants were reunited over the weekend after Lindsay was busy filming more scenes from her upcoming film "Labor Pains" which I hope they change to "Growing Pains" and just hire the actors from the show Growing Pains and call it a day Moving on.

Lindsay is totally sidewalk camouflage. If it wasn't for her trillions of red freckles I wouldn't have even noticed her. At first I was like, "Why is that bag floating?" I assumed the freckles were stars and the bag was a planet, but after further investigation it turned out to just be Lindsay. Samantha was looking as elegant as ever and I'm pretty sure that if she were to take off her little boys t-shirt we would quickly discover some sexy yellow pits stains and some crispy ring around the collar. From the side you can almost see the outline of boob. She really should use duct tape when trying to hold those bad boys down. Masking tape won't do diddly squat in the heat.

When are these two going to come clean and admit they're doing the "greeter bump" with each other? I'm highly anticipating Dina Lohan's stroke (in every sense of the word).

Britney Looks Cured to Me!

Britney Spears made her way back from Ass-Backwardsville USA to glorious LAX and I think she looks cured! The paparazzi, of course, were photo-rapping her and one "fauxtographer" in the background is even using his/her shoes to help balance the camera. Now that's professionalism and dedication all wrapped up into one!

Meanwhile, why Britney got all choked up, her entourage got into a bit of a scuffle with the paparazzi and, in particular, one specific fauxtographer. Allegedly one of Britney's bodyguards pushed a camera into their face. The fauxtographer complained to police that they were shoved and the camera left a mark on their cheek. Awww, that's cute. Just think of it as a little kiss from Britney herself.
Now don't jump out your window because Britney was unharmed, but just a little shaken up. Phew.

Hey That's My Olsen!

What a great way to start my Monday! I'm not sure how old these are, but here are some killer photos of an indistinguishable Olsen from someones party that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden also attended. Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen had on a traditional Winehouse headpiece that I believe is native to the land called "England." The Olsen in question took a crack at the pinata, sipped on some Amstel Light, kept a cigarette in her mouth, and borderline dry-humped a little defenseless dog. With ripped nylons and an oversized flannel shirt to boot, this was an Olsen party that would rival Michelle Tanner's 5th birthday when DJ, Stephanie, Uncle Joey and crew dressed up like the Flintstones. I am a little disappointed I wasn't invited. I mean, I like Amstel Light and Olsen's. And, I'd even love that dog for the night and by "love that dog" I really mean "would make intercourse with it until the collar popped off" if that would get me any closer to an Olsen fiesta.

Not Really a Jennifer Aniston Story

Jennifer Aniston was caught at London's Heathrow airport yesterday and didn't look too psyched that her picture was being taken....although her left boob did as it is technically smiling for the camera. Look close.

Ok, so there isn't really a good Jennifer Aniston story with this picture, but it's a great segway for me to tell my quick and equally boring story of bumping into David Schwimmer on Saturday night at the Waverly Inn in NYC.

My friend Maria was in the Big Orange to visit her favorite blogger so we decided to really celebrity-tourist-trap it up and check out Ye Waverly Inn. F it. I'm fine with admitting we went. We were both looking forward to overpriced drinks, a long wait to be seated, and we were also playing our favorite game "If ________ (insert celebrity name) walked in here tonight would you go to jail over them." What a hoot that was. I admitted that I would go to jail if the Olsen sluts showed up, or Tyra Banks, or anyone from The Hills. Anyway, the Waverly Inn is about the size of my apartment and we were at the bar having a drink when David Schwimmer showed up. As he walked by me it took EVERYTHING in my willpower to not yell out "Are the Friends really friends?" I always said if I ever ran into anyone from Friends I would yell that to them. That's runny right? However, my friends, I am sad to announce that I did not yell that out. I blame the lack of vodka in my system as I was only on drink number 1. I feel like I failed you. I'm ashamed.

Anyway, to wrap up, my sister text messaged me and instructed me to ask him where Marcel was, followed by a text message from my brother-in-law requesting that I tell David Schwimmer that, and I quote, "he is just a pussy who was just standing in the right line at the right time." While these were all great suggestions I did not do any of them. Clearly I was the pussy who was in the right line at the right time and didn't take advantage of the situation. Oh well. Long live celebrity stalking.

David Schwimmer was a lot shorter and skinnier in person than I would have thought. He was with some chick in a dress and some dude who had some cowboy bandanna around his neck. It was all odd. The waiters kept sending them over bottles all night long. Meanwhile, we paid about $77,000 on our drinks. Thanks for nothing Ross.