Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Harriet Carter: Snotty Kids & Bad Teeth

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It's time to attack the kids again as well as poor people with bad hygiene because, let's face it, that's what this is all about. This week Harriet show some little bitch being a bitch, shows us how to smile, casts some more ugly kids in an ad, and classes up your wine tasting party. It's an action packed week. Check your soul at the door and let's go!Product #1 - Ugh. F you Dora. First off if I wanted some Spanish chick making me slush I'd buy it from the homeless senorita who seems to be parked outside of my apartment with a rusty shopping carriage and a set of spoons. And keep your gross monkey friend the hell away from the ice dispenser. That shit may meet your "tough" health code regulations in Purerto de las Montanas en las Sluts or wherever the hell you're from, but I'll take my frosty treat without the feces, thanks. Even these kids are pissing me off. The little boy is about two cherry slush's away from being jumped on the playground for practicing his "Dancing in the Rain" routine during recess and that little beast of a girl is ready to declare jihad on the entire kitchen. No joke, if I were her parents I'd watch her to see if she has a keen interest in roadkill because she's totally going to be a serial killer. Seriously, these two rich spoiled bitches certainly aren't making their own slush at home. Their cheating parents, I'm sure, would go out and buy them slush to make up for putting them in 24/7 daycare followed by 4 years of boarding school, I'd assume. Did anyone teach her some manners? I'd slap her upside the head with a wooden spaghetti sauce ladle for holding her spoon like a f'n caveman. And wipe that "little slut" smile off you're face. You're not being cute, you're being a bitch. There's a difference. And when you realize that you can't get that slush for your slush walking brother you'll start to resent men overall in your life and will, more than likely, develop a sex addiction and suffer from some form of eating disorder. You can have your slush WITHOUT the flavor juice, fatass. Too many calories. Wow. See you in hell for sure.
Product # 2 - Hey Sloth! Let me ask ya, how many rocks must you chew on a daily basis for your teeth to look like that? No really, 10 buckets per day? That's f'n disgusting. That shit doesn't just "happen" overnight. No no, you may chip a tooth here or there, but you get it fixed. You don't wait for all of your teeth to "break" before getting them looked at. And who the hell still has their baby teeth as an adult? Now I'm not a certified dentist, but you know what I heard can prevent this from happening to your teeth? Brushing them. I know! Too bad Harriet didn't zoom out on the face of this nasty ass person because I'm pretty sure if they did zoom out it would be Corky from "Life Goes On." When I have kids I'm going to show them this picture and tell them that's what happens to your teeth if you touch yourself in your "naughty places." What? If people believe half the crap that's in the Bible, surely they'll believe my parable. I'll even tell them that it's a historic picture of Mary Magdalen. And you know that whore was touching her biblical box for years. Where was I? Oh yeah. If you do have this tooth problem and you haven't already tossed your sorry ass off of an 18 story building you can totally get them fixed and for cheap! I'm pretty sure these are standard Mr. Potato Head teeth, which is great because if you buy the whole Mr Potato Head bucket you'll also get some cool yellow eyeglasses and sporty blue sneakers. This will totally be life changing. You'll probably finally be able to get a new job because they don't need people with "good teeth" at the movie theater any more. Hell no you're moving on up. You're heading straight for the DMV! Anyway, good luck with the smile Rocky Dennis.
Product # 3 - So, um does anyone know the name of the game those two kids are playing, because I don't. I'm too hypnotized by that kid's hairdo in the top of the picture. No joke, why are his parents combing his hair like those pale Polygamist Sect mothers that have been on TV lately? Seriously, if that hair goes any higher I'm going to be forced to call DSS and ask him if he's been sleeping in the "new wives bed" at the Polygamy compound in Texas. Gross. And how many foreheads does that kid have? Geesh. Save some foreheads for everyone else, selfish. Oh, and Ben Franklin would like it if you would kindly take off his bifocals and return them to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington. Jesus, I'd check to see if he needs stronger glasses for cripes sakes. The friggin game card is like 4 centimeters from his eyes, which are squinting by the way. He looks like one of those British judges that have to wear those big puffy white wigs and wears white face makeup. Really Harriet? There were no other kids in line at the audition? This was the one you chose? I'm sure it was all a mistake anyway. His parents probably saw a line formed outside and told him to stand in it and then hopped in the 1979 wood-panel station wagon and sped off. But no, you HAD to actually book the job, so now they're stuck with you. I'm sure the $100 Harriet paid you for the gig is going to your mother's crack habit anyway. Oh well, good luck to ya. You've officially been more successful than me. Oh, P.S. I'm pretty sure the other kid in the picture is picking his nose. No, no. No need to yell "cut" and make sure you get a good picture on the set of this photo shoot. No, just do it all in one take and hope for the best.
Product # 4 - Honestly. Why even bother buying it? There's not a chance in hell you have any friends who are coming over and will see it. And who the hell has "toy cheese" laying around the house? Why does everything always have to be funny? You know what, how about just having a door mat that is just a, oh I don't know, a door mat? And really, you'd place wine on the ground outside of the door? Really? On the ground? Classy. I mean, not that the message itself isn't classy. "You Open the Wine. I'll Cut the Cheese." Yeah. Funny. How about something like, "You Open the Wine. I Will Spray Explosive Diarrhea All Over Your God Damn White Kitchen Cabinets." Now that has a ring to it! Or, feel free to cater towards the women buyers as well. Maybe something like, "You Open the Wine. I Just Had My Period on Your Dining Room Chair. Will This 'Tide to Go' Stick Help With That?" Yeah, maybe that ones a little too long. Never mind I'll keep going. "You Open the Wine. I'll Pay For the Abortion." And then instead of cheese on the ground you can put a Cabbage Patch doll on the ground covered with ketchup. I'm gross. Ok, how about sending a message to your loved one. "You Open the Wine. Baby Tiffany Isn't Yours." Aww, that's sweet. How about something that rhymes? "You Open the Wine. I've Been F*cking Your Husband Every Monday/Wednesday/Friday Since We Were Juniors in College." That rhymes right? And finally, for the classy lady who's inviting her date over for the first time. "You Open the Wine. I Swallow." I mean, really, the options are endless. Thanks Harriet for calling me out on your carpet, literally.


Well folks that concludes another classy Harriet Carter Wednesday segment. See you next week...or in hell....whichever comes first.

7 comments:

Taylor said...

I like the doormat, klassy.

Shannon said...

LOL I love this Harriet Carter. You are your best when being mean to children. Bravo!

DebilDog said...

I heart you....I really do! Thanks for always making me smile!

Fan Of IBBB said...

Haha, great HCW! You remind me of a younger version of George Carlin. Are you his great-great grandson?!

Anonymous said...

I really think this was the best yet. I am screaming laughing. I heart you too.

kasey said...

your door mat bit takes the (cheese) cake. best in months.

Affordable Teeth Whiteners said...

Ok, first off, it looks like that man's diet consists of rocks cigarettes and coffee, i assume everyone would agree?

Dentists are inexpensive and they are miracle workers of teeth. Nevertheless, some people seem to steer clear of theses geniuses due to... well, i don't know.

At least whiten them if you don't like the dentist. Your teeth are chipped? then for god's sake have them fixed and i cannot even begin to imagine the cavities and the germs building mansions in that germville.

On the subject of Dora, I honestly am beginning to believe that people are running out of ideas. Why don't we just sell daisy duck ice cream machines and mickey mouse cotton candy makers for 2 year olds and chocolate toys to 1 year olds? Or no, lets just all stop eating healthy foods and eat crap all day from the day we are born, no breastfeeding how about chocolate milk dispensing breasts made of white chocolate?

-Gem