Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Harriet Carter Wednesday Presents: Harriet and the Gizzer.

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! I was thinking. What do you think they give out as gifts to the employees at the Harriet Carter Christmas party? I have 4 more months to work on getting an invite to that. Oh, and by the way, I believe the answer to that is "decorated corn husks." This week Harriet pisses in our cup, tosses her pussy in the toilet, and becomes the most annoying person on a fake plane. Let's go!Product # 1 - Wow what a stressful day I had. You know what I could really go for? A nice cup of warm piss. Yum. If only there was some type of contraption I could purchase in which a statue of an old man with a base of a cheese grater could somehow piss right into my glass. If only. If only. Wait. There is, you say? Rejoice! So here's the thing. Do you really think the best name for a product in which liquid comes out of a penis should be called the "Gizzer?" No joke that's what it's called. Now it's an old man so at first I figured they meant "Geezer" but apparently if you add a pina colada to this contraption it really turns into a Gizzer. Oooh la la. Fancy! Your guests will be squealing with delight and making a stop off at the free clinic on their way home just to quickly get tested for some of your standard STD's after drinking out of this thing. And you know this party starts with people laughing and pouring the "gizz" into their glasses and after a few shots of gizz the host is using his own "drink maker" and just pissing all over the guests. For an extra fun treat, pour Bloody Mary mix into the Gizzer and teach your kids just exactly what you meant when you said "Grandpa was having a hard time passing his kidney stones." Then, of course, tell them that you're only kidding. Grandpa is dead. He killed himself to get away from you. Regardless your kids certainly won't be asking any more dumb questions. Ahhh the Gizzer. It's not just for sexual innuendos any more. Gizz sold separately. Ladies, consult your doctor before taking gizz shots to the face. Offer not valid in Delaware.
Product # 2 - Uh oh, did you fall for the old "My wife's pussy is stuck in the toilet again!?" I know, I know. She got you with that trick for the past 4 April Fools Days, but you keep falling for it. Now you can trick your stupid kids the next time they need to do tinky winky in the toilet. Start the joke off early in the day by asking them if they've seen "Whiskers" today. Hours later even though they originally went in to pee once they open up the toilet seat they'll surely be shitting their pants when this life-like cat pops out of the toilet. Clearly this a-hole in the picture is completely shocked by what he's found. Just look at that expression on his face. I believe that's the same expression his "girlfriend" gave when he told her he was more into her brother. And who in the hell goes that close to the toilet when opening the lid? He's 3 inches away from bobbing for apples. Pervert. He's probably one of those sick bastards that has a piss fetish. At least you know you can buy him the Gizzer for Christmas (like he already doesn't have one). You know what I would do if someone played that trick on me? I would take a crap directly on it and then never mention to anyone that I even noticed the damn cat. Then I'd take the cat out of the toilet and smear it all over the walls, ceiling, and floor. Then I'd burn the entire house to the god damn ground. Then I'd piss on the fire to put it out. Then, of course, I'd check myself into the psych ward, which, of course, I will be doing after I'm done typing this. What the hell was the product again?
Product # 3 - Hey obnoxious! Don't feel like you're quite obnoxious enough? Really want to bring it to the next level? Well now you can by bringing this footstool right on the plane with you! I know! It isn't small, convenient, attractive (like you, or your ugly mother), practical, comfortable, or meeting FAA regulations, but bring it anyway! That flight you're going to be on for no more than 3 hours will be so much better when you get to fall asleep on the side of your face. Let's just hope the person in front of you doesn't want to recline or I'm pretty sure that your footstool will somehow crush your lungs. If it doesn't crush your lungs you're at least likely to be given 3rd degree burns. No, no, not from the footstool, but from me sitting next to you. I'll be the one pouring my scalding cup of coffee over your face because the way you're positioned makes me not only feel like you're staring at me the whole time, but you're also breathing directly on me with your hot/gross breath. And where the hell is this chick flying to anyway? 1981? I'm almost certain that there are zero planes in existence that still look like that, have those type of seats, no windows, and an all blue background. Perhaps you're missing an entire side of the plane and you're sleeping through it. Eh, hopefully you'll be sucked out of the plane and will plummet to the earths surface in which you can pleasantly land on that footstool. Oh, pretty sweater by the way. Sluts wear red!

2 comments:

melissa said...

Look who's ridin the P*SSY WAGON!

You were feelin extra filthy this week werent you?

Anonymous said...

That was, by far, the funniest thing I have ever read.

Keep up the good work!

Amanda