Thursday, August 28, 2008

...In Other News...

Oh hi there, dear IBBB readers. IBBB (that's me) will be off for the next week(ish) and playing reindeer games in LA. I of course will be tracking down Lindsay No Pants freckle by freckle, trying to capture my arch nemesis, Diane Keaton, and spend as much time as I can looking for anyone and everyone from The Hills, this includes Jessica the chick who just got fired from Pubic Revolution by Kelly CUNTrone.

Now the sad news. I'm not sure if I'll be able to recap The Hills on Monday night, but if I can convince my friends to stay in for 30 minutes and drink whilst I recap, perhaps it can be done. In the meantime, check out some of my blogging friends as they will be much more updated them me for the next few days. Although feel free to check back here because you never know when I'll send a message from LA. Also, happy Labor Day. Try to get knocked up if you can.

Hills Bless,

~ AgentBedHead
~ WebsterIsMyBitch
~ CelebritySmackBlog
~ DrunkenStepFather
~ Ayyyy
~ FatBack
~ PopBytes
~ PopOnThePop
~ IDontWantYourLife
~ JustinBobby

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Harriet Carter Wednesday: The Best of Failure Model Chick

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Today boys, girls, boys with girl parts, and girls with boy parts do I have a treat for you! I figured since the Harriet Carter Crapalog is a little thin on white-trash products this week I'd come up with a Best of Failure Model Chick: Volume 1. Looking back at the past 2 years of Harriet Carter write-ups I noticed that at the beginning I would tee off on good old Failure Model Chick and hadn't even named her yet. I mean, what a real treat for me. It's like looking at my baby book, but instead of a baby book it's more of a "stuff I wrote that is likely to send me to hell" book. Anyway, FMC catches a lot of crap around here at the IBBB headquarters so I thought it would be fitting to create an entire post dedicated to her. Ode to FMC! Oh, and pay no attention to the numbering. I failed math. Let's go!

Product # 1 - You should know by now how badly I want to model for the Harriet Carter catalog. No joke, it would be a dream of mine. Look at this chick with the pig hat on her head. Yes, pig hat. Seriously, what? Why would you ever need to wear that? You wouldn't. Not even for a Halloween costume. When you pull the strings the wings flap and then guess what? Pigs fly. Very funny Harriet. I love it when you state the obvious. They should have a hat in the shape of a horses ass that only Harriet is allowed to wear. Oh, and the look on this girls face is priceless. First off, she has "man face" but second of all you know she's thinking, "I quit school and moved to LA to become a model and I'm wearing a pig on my head." Yeah you are sweetie! Now go call you parents and tell them how you got your big break! Just think, this could be the biggest thing you ever do. Wearing a pig hat. Pig. Hat. I'll help you write the suicide note.

Photo # 2 - It's a new year and you probably want to get in shape, right? Of course! But, does the gym seem like too much work? Have you ever hoped that you could get into tip-top physical shape by just using your doorknob and some string? Well, guess who's in luck?? You! That's right, now you can shed a ton of pounds by hooking up this, what I can only assume is a marionette contraption, to your bedroom door. I know! Once this string workout system is set up just lay on the ground and kick and punch and push and pull like nobodies business! Make sure you wear your spandex shorts too because when you pull the door right off its friggin' hinges and it comes crashing down on you, you're going to want to look your best for the paramedics. Once you outgrow this technologically advanced "fitness machine" you should totally try out the newer workout system from Harriet Carter that consists of an elastic, your car, two steak knives, a glass of wine, your coffee table, and (of course) your spandex. It's basically like "do-it-yourself" gastric bypass surgery at home!

Product # 3 - Woo-hoo! Look who's back! It's "failure model chick!" You may remember her from older Harriet Carter products such as, "trapped in the car and need to break free," and also, "ouch I have back pain and need lightning bolts to straighten me out." Oh, and who could forget my personal favorite, "wearing a pig hat on my head." Yup, "failure model chick" is back and this time she is the life of the party with a little drinking problem. Now you too can sport the good old fashioned "Is it 5:00 Yet?" t-shirt. Lucky you. Look how hysterical that shirt is. Do you get the joke? Let me explain it to you. You see, this t-shirt is supposed to let people know that you've had such a hectic day that you are ready to get your drink on. Funny, right? Yeah, didn't think so. Not only is "failure model chick" wearing the shirt with the martini glass on it, but look....she's also holding a martini. "Failure model chick" is so funny. I suspect she is about 3 more martini's away from taking a permanent dirt nap. Good luck "failure model chick." We'll miss you. Now go into the light.

Product # 4 - A moment of silence please......."Failure Model Chick" is back! This time around she is sporting a plush dog around her neck that can be heated up in the microwave. I shit you not. Brrrr it's cold. I wish I had a cooked dog around my neck. Viola! Now you can! And you know that "Failure Model Chick" was all "I'm not putting a stupid cat around my neck for this picture...I'm a successful catalog/crapalog model." "Failure Model Chick" must be quite the diva on the set. As a side note, let's just say much of a douche bag does the model in the picture above look like? Also, besides just teeing off on "Failure Model Chick" and crew, why does one need a heated animal around their neck to keep warm? I have an idea...turn the heat on. Nothing will confuse a child more than watching "Mommy" putting a dog in the microwave. Watch out Sparky, you're next!

Product # 5 - Trying to get out of having to "make sex" with your partner this Valentine's Day? Well try no longer because just by simply strapping on this "Sexless Sleep Bonnet" you won't have to come up with excuses any longer! The Sexless Sleep Bonnet comes in the delicate color of pink and will more than likely go up in flames on a hot summer night when a light breeze sweeps across the room. It also looks like it stinks and itches. This Sexless Sleep Bonnet can also work in your favor other ways as well. Want to look your best for that late night booty call and don't want to show up at your "callers" house at 3am with bedhead? Well it looks like Failure Model Chick is going to look fresh as a daisy when she gets her call. She even goes to bed with a face full of makeup on. Sexy! Happy V-day Failure Model Chick! If Harriet won't be my Valentine, you certainly are in a very distant second.

Product # 6 - Oh no you didn't. Oh no you just did not! You did NOT just bring Failure Model Chick back into the Harriet Carter catalog and make her model old man eye glasses!? This, perhaps, is the best day of my life. Where to begin? Well, first and foremost she is absolutely doing her best "Don Knotts from The Incredible Mr Limpet" impersonation and she has it down to a science. As a sidenote, looking at Failure Model Chick in these molester prisoner eyeglasses makes me "Mr. Limpet" if you know what I mean...and I think ya do....because I'm 12...and a pervert. No joke, I think her lips are photoshopped in and I'm pretty certain that half of her has been animated. Don't get me wrong I'd love to watch a full feature Failure Model Chick cartoon, but this is a little too much. And why the hell isn't she looking through the eye glasses. They're not bifocals, right? Seriously she looks like an 85 yr old man who's going thin on top. That's a pretty sweater too. Very youthful. What could she be thinking when they're shooting her? I assume she's praying that bullets come flying out of the camera instead of flashes. As a sidenote, 2 Minute Chef hasn't had any new crapisodes in a while. I hope she's not out of work. Eh, maybe she'll turn to porn. Thanks Harriet for making this Wednesday a little extra special for me!

A Hitch-Hiking Gutter Olsen Slut

How come there's never a hitch-hiking gutter Olsen Slut on the side of the road when I'm driving by? Life is so unfair. I blame the terrorists, global warming, and the underground railroad for this. Anyhouse, an indistinguishable Olsen was sporting her best Danny Tanner button-down flannel shirt as she was leaving a Radiohead concert at the Hollywood Bowl in LA the other day.

Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen tried to quickly wave off the paparazzi in hopes that they'd mistake her for Wilson from Home Improvement. I don't think so, Tim.

Look Who Hit the Wall Again!

How's that wall taste, Pam? Yowza! Pamela-Anderson-Lee-Hep-C-Rock looks like she hit the wall, went through it, dropped about 50 feet through the basement floor and then had a combination washer/dryer with wrinkle release fall on her. I don't think it would be that bad if she updated her face from that 1991 look. Oh, and by the way we know that your lip line isn't real. And I'm pretty sure you're regretting that barb-wire tattoo since those are about as cool these days as a fart in a heatwave. While Pammy's rack-attack usually looks good, this time around it looks like an Olsen Twin mooning the camera back when this Olsen Twin was playing Michelle Tanner. Basically, Pam has kiddie porn on her chest.

This photo was taken while Pam was promoting her show "Pam: My Skin is Loose" for E! Entertainment.

2 Minute Recaps: You Totally Know Rachel is Getting Trashed

Back by popular demand is "2 Minute Recaps." A spinoff of "Harriet Carter Wednesday," watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you're new to this, check out the explainer by clicking here. Now that we're all settled, here's my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Ghetto Watermelon Mojitos.
  • This 2 Minute Chef isn't even that great, but the fact that my favorite FMC, Rachel, is "cooking" mojitos is, well, more than I as a loser blogger can take. Therefore, I will be stooping to a new level of "low" and basically just picking Rachel apart. Thank Christ I am perfect.

  • This time around, Rachey-Poops is sporting a very fancy cooking dress and I'm almost certain she stole this dress pattern from a 1982 Howard Johnson's Motel on Rt 1, Saugus, Massachsettes. Clearly, wearing bedspreads is all the rage.

  • Why won't Rachel cut her Dina Lohan hair? It looks like she showers, let's half of it air-dry, and then brushes the rest with a pitch-fork. Luckily her ginormous rack-attack takes away from the hair area. I ponder if the downstairs hair is as long as the upstairs hair. I consider writing in a letter to 2 Minute Chef, but have already hit my monthly quota on restraining orders.

  • Back to the task at hand. Chef Mario really classed things up and brought out the 1987 white blender. I'm certain the blade at the bottom is all rusty, so hopefully they provide tetanus shots with each drink.

  • Ok no joke, Chef Mario LITERALLY pours in about 16 cups of sugar into the blender and then tells Rachel that he's added about 1 1/2 to 2 tablespoons of sugar. Rachel, of course, believes him as they covered "measurements" in 4th grade and Rachel dropped out of school halfway through 3rd grade....allegedly.

  • They finish off the ghetto mojito with a can of Sprite. Seriously what white-trash drink recipe is this? You know Rachel is getting shit-house off of these at the next family Christmas party. Everyone else will, of course, be dressed up and sober and Rachel will start grinding with old Uncle Pete and squeezing Auntie Petunia's boobies and asking if they're real. All in a days work at a Platt family holiday.

  • Rachel wants to stick a straw in the blender and drink directly from it. Honestly, is anyone surprised? I'm not. I also wouldn't be surprised when Rachel farts up a storm after each drink.

  • Rachey tries to be all sexy when she asks Chef Mario how much he wants (in regards to alcohol). The way she says it is totally the same way she probably negotiated her deal with the Harriet Carter catalog. She walks into Harriet Carter's corporate offices and asks them how much they want. She is, of course, tits-to-the-wind whilst asking.

  • The drink is finally prepared and has chunks of ice it that I'm sure Rachel won't choke on as she is experienced with swallowing. Read into that any which way you'd like.

  • Sure this recap crapped the bed, but if the tape kept on rolling imagine the things we would have seen. I would have placed both hands into the blender to stop the pain.

When Heidi Dies, This is the Video My Jesus Will Show Her

I've made more crap videos than I know what do with. I'm not quite sure what that means, but perhaps you've seen them. Heidi Montard has a music video out that she made herself for her wonderful dance ballad "Overdosin." You saw the pictures earlier this week and now you get to enjoy the 10 minute music video.

I know Heidi's been talking a lot about Jesus and her faith recently, but I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't create her vaginastein so that she can cover it with tights and spandex and then lift her leg over her head. Perhaps he did. It's hard to tell with Jesus. Speaking of which, when Heidi dies, before she is sent directly to the fiery pits of hell for all eternity, Jesus will make her watch this video. I'm sure he'll strike up a deal in which if she can watch the whole thing without turning red in embarrassment she can bring her horse from Crested Butte with her to hell. Maybe he'll even let her ride it there.

Honestly I don't even recommend watching this. I've taken one for the team. I watched the full 10 minutes and I'll never be the same again. I'm almost certain I'm sterile.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Hills: Stephanie's Birthday Looked Like It Sucked. Just Sayin.

Bad news guys. I didn't get to watch The Hills last night because I ended up watching the Democratic National Convention. Psych! Just kidding. I don't care who wins President as long as they don't take The Hills off the air....because that's what I assume President's are responsible for. I'm not even sure who's running. Ronald Reagan? Probably. Anyhills, so what will go down at Sandy Sanders birthday party? Will LOser continue to allow America to view her as a complete douche for under $50K an episode? Will Whitney go back to adding K's to the end of words that end with "ing?" Will Audrina's boobs combust in the LA heat? Will Lauren acknowledge that there's a camera crew following her around? All this and much much much less for this weeks Hills crapisode recap! Here's what went down in the, Drama Follows Them, crapisode.
  • Wow Sandy Sanders and LC are in basically every class together. This time around they are both taking "Market Research." Yikes sounds difficult especially when the "professor," who is probably really the boom mic operator, says to them "Take out your magazines." I guess that's a good way to help settle down the students before they start nap time. P.S Lauren's ring that has her name across her hand wasn't cool in 1989 and it's not cool now.

  • Sandy Sanders tries to tell Lauren that she hasn't spoken with Steve Sanders and Heidi in weeks and that drama follows them, to which LC replies that drama doesn't follow them as much as they chase it. They're both wrong. Camera crews follow them and they do, in turn, chase camera crews. There's a difference.

  • So Doug is the new Whitney. When he pulls out Lauren's chair at the restaurant he literally says, "This is you" and then he makes her sit there. Yeah how's that cave you're living in, Doug...or DouK as Whitney would say. He's like, "Me DouK. We at restaurant. You Lauren. This is you. You sit here. I douche."

  • HOLY CRAP. TIVO ALERT! I'm not kidding at all about this (ok well maybe a little). DouK wants to hang out with Lauren for the rest of the day, but she says she can't because she has to "work" to which he replies "take it off" and while she starts to say she can't, I swear to God...I SWEAR TO GOD I'm pretty sure he just blurts out, "I'm gonna take my cock off." Seriously, rewind it. I did, about 15 times and each time I'm pretty sure he either said, "I'm gonna take my cock off" or "I'm gonna take my cock out." Brilliant.

  • So let's take a minute to discuss "Chiara" Audrina's co-worker. I actually want to say that I think she really does work at Epic. To me, she's like the shit-bum sister of Whitney or something. Now what road-kill-animal-carcass does Chiara have on her head? Is that possum or beaver? Haha beaver. You think someone would have told her not to go for the Alanis Morrisette haircut since it's no longer 1993. Too bad the Hills props department couldn't put a party hat on her or something. Instead, we'll just have to settle for her Walgreens $14.99 Halloween Fright Wig.

  • Audrina and Chiara discuss actual work for 14 seconds and say such business buzzwords as "mastered" and "recorded" and then switch right over to discussions about Audrina's life. Chiara tells Audrina that she'll kick LOser's ass. First off, I believe it. Second, I start to ponder the fact that all co-workers on The Hills seem to have jacked up bangs. Chiara has them and so goes Heidi's fauxsistant Emily. That's all.

  • Ding Ding Ding! We have ourselves a winner. While LC and Whitey are supposed to be working they are talking about Stephanie's horrific birthday party to which Whitney responds, "Are Spencer and Heidi cominK?" Sweet! If I were Lauren I would have totally messed with her and kept saying, "What? Are they what? What do you mean? What's cominK mean?" Then I would have walked outside and kicked an orphan on the street because I'm a badass. Sidenote: aren't they supposed to be wearing all black at Pubic Revolution? Whitney's wearing my Nana's Sunday church dress.

  • Seriously, when I get to LA this week I'm burning down Don Antonio's. Gross, Steve Sanders and Heidi are talking baby talk about chicken tacos. I'm this close to changing the channel to the Democratic National Convention. This close! These two crack-asses are still talking about never talking to Sandy Sanders again if she invites LC to her birthday party...blah blah blah....she's rolling with that crew....blah blah blah....where are your loyalties....blah blah blah....these lights in this shit-bag restaurant make my beady eyes look creepier....blah blah blah these same lights really make Heidi's lips glow...blah blah blah commercial break.

  • Can I say that I'm shocked that LOser can actually see her reflection in the bathroom mirror?

  • Uh-oh! The Hills editing machine is in overdrive. Seriously, at this point peoples facial expressions and looks aren't even matching up with what anyone is saying or the situation. At the end LOser just looks in the bathroom mirror and shakes her head yes. You know the people in charge of editing are just like "Screw it...push it to live."

  • Well it's official. There will never be an occasion or place fancy enough to make Kelly CUNTrone shower, change her clothes, or wash her hair...or brush it for that matter. The work gang is at a fancy restaurant and Kelly CUNTrone looks like she just finished washing her car and then just put down the hose, got in her car, then got out of her car and decided to run to the restaurant. Yuck.

  • Yay! Jessica is back. What the hell is she all about? More importantly, what the hell is she talking about? Kelly CUNTrone is talking about something and then Jessica starts saying something and using her hands a lot. I officially am lost. Kelly CUNTrone tells Jessica to stop talking because it's her company and Jessica should just be "pretty pretty happy happy and pitch stories." That's so not fair for poor Jessica. I mean how is Jessica supposed to be pretty? She can't control that. It's like a disability for her. She should be able to collect long-term disability for this situation. If she wears that crazy feather thing in her hair while she goes to collect her long-term disability I bet they'll give her even more money. It's a win-win.

  • Yowza! How's your face full of makeup, LOser?

  • Is it bad that when LC and LOser are driving to Sandy Sanders birthday party and LC says to LOser "can't we all just get along" I secretly wish that police officers would pull over LOser, pull her out of the car, and beat her ass like they did Rodney King? What? What's the big deal? I'm almost certain LA wouldn't riot after that happened.

  • Ok, so it's time for Stephanie's party, which looks pretty boring. Everyone shows up and hugs people. No really, that's about it. All of a sudden DouK is BFFs with with Frankie and Brody. Clearly they're the Three Douchekateers.

  • The editing machine must be smoking and ready to combust because LOser is talking to Audrina and Audrina is just sitting there not saying anything to her. Also, the lights are making LOser literally look like a monster. No joke. She looks like she's 75 yrs old.

  • Hahaha right as Audrina is about to grab her coat, watch for the little dude with the hat and missing teeth right behind her. Hahaha brilliant.

  • Steve Sanders and Heidi show up "unannounced" to the party with about 50 balloons and a birthday cake because, you know, that's what you bring to a bar. They love it especially when you bring your own food.

  • The rest of the gang actually look shocked that Steve Sanders and Heidi (and her new chin, new nose, new boobs, new lips, and fake tan) are there. Brody pitches a fit like a bitch and leaves with "I'm Not Sure What His Nationality Is, Frankie." LOser looks like she is literally scared for her life. She asks to leave like 10 times. They all leave and while walking out DouK looks like he's walking with a dump in his pants.

  • Ugh. The next day Steve and Sandy Sanders are having the same fight for the 15th time about her being friends with LC. I don't know. They're talking about jumping ships and having two ships and that's called jumping ships. Then Steve Sanders relates their situation to Iran and Israel trying to get along. Wow, looks like all that reading on the couch last season is paying off! While Steve Sanders is going on his rant I notice that you can see Sandy Sanders fake tan marks on her wrist and bottom of her hand. That'll be all.

  • So Kelly CUNTrone fired Jessica and gave Whitney her job. Haha. I'm sure Jessica is psyched that she was asked to appear on The Hills again for 15 seconds only to get fired. Someone get me in touch with Jessica. I want to interview her. Stat. Whitney will be bi-coastal in this new position. I'm so psyched that she'll be swinging both ways!

  • LC and Sandy Sanders are back in class and talking about the party. Sandy is throwing Steve Sanders and Heidi under the bus, but LC isn't having it and tells Sandy Sanders that her friends (i.e LOser) are telling her not to trust Sandy Sanders.

  • No really, that's the end of the episode. Now can somebody clear something up for me? Did anything actually happen in this episode? I'm starting to slowly slip off The Hills bandwagon.

Monday, August 25, 2008

...In Other News...

We get it, Madonna, you're 50. In other news...

~ Dane Cook is Scientifically a Douche ~ ABH
~ Who Wants to Fight KFed? ~ Websters
~ Buy Paris' Nasty Hair ~ CS
~ More Photos of Retarded Heidi Montard ~ DSF
~ Celebrity Couple Puzzle ~ Ayyyy
~ What is a Selena Gomez? ~ IDWYL
~ Lohan's Rack is Back ~ FB
~ Winehouse Snorts on Camera ~ ND
~ The 4th American Idol Judge ~ POTP
~ Cher to Play Catwoman? ~ PB

Heidi's New Video, Now Cameltoe Free!

Wow! It looks like someone used some of their Hills money to actually make a music video that included such things as "extras," "work-out clothes," and "hair and make-up." I'm actually pretty sure this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I also thought that when I heard Heidi's last song, "Fashion." Fasion, put it all on me, don't you wanna see these clothes on me? Nope.

This time around Heidi is filming a video for her new "song" called Overdosin'. I'm really hoping that this is one of those times where life imitates art. Only time will tell. I am a little disappointed, however, that with all the old work-out clothes we are not seeing any form of Montag Cameltoe. For me, that is the ultimate goal. I am pleased, though, that the headbands are really making Heidi's chin pop!

Is it ironic that the "backup dancers" behind Heidi are many different nationalities, yet we don't see any of these nationalities represented on actual Hills episodes? Heidi really is a pioneer. She's like Eli Whitney, the inventor of the cotton gin. I mean, I don't know how that relates, but any time I can toss in an Eli Whitney references, well, all the better.

The Red, White, Random, and Blue Summer Oasis

I love it when there's an event so random that you get a complete mixed-bag of fauxlebrities. You can usually make an educated guess on how bad the fauxlebrities will be based on the host themselves. For instance, at the Red, White, and Blue Summer Oasis event that took places in Hollywood, CA the host was Christina Milian. Now I like Christina Milian especially after her record label gave her the major shaft, but let's face it, if she's hosting there's not doubt in my mind that the following fauxlebrities made it out for the event:
  • Omarosa: Clearly fresh from a long run, Omarosa made sure her right boob was placed much higher than her left. Sunglasses on her head really say, "I'm breezy and a bit of a douche...and I need to douche.....someone remind me later."

  • Tamera Mowry: Sister, Sister. Where's the other one? I thought they were Siamese twins, no? What's up with her face? Has she had some face work done? She looks Hawaiian. That remind me, I'm in the mood for Chinese. No idea.

  • Stephanie Pratt: $10.00 you pull her wig off and it's totally Spencer under there. Another $10 that you lift up her dress and Heidi's swinging from his Donkey Kong Jr.

  • Beverly Mitchell: If she's not showing photos of Ruthie dancing sexy to Spirit in the Sky or if she's not talking about the episode where Ruthie was dancing sexy to Spirit in the Sky I have no need for Beverly Mitchell to be there. Is 7th Heaven in reruns and, more importantly, did Beverly Mitchell literally just get out of the pool?

  • Jamie Chung: Yeah, I didn't either at first. Then I recalled that this was the chick from Real World San Diego that basically didn't have a story line, except I'm pretty sure she discussed not liking her eyes and wanting to look more like an American girl. I'm not even joking. Are there any fact checkers out there? Someone find that out.

Jon Bon Jovi Helps People

Jon Bon Jovi and his wife, Dorethea, are wicked good helpers and stuff. They were both at the "Music for Mercy Corps Hamptons Benefit for Darfur" in the Hamptons over the weekend. Wait, Darfur is a real place? I always thought it was like some location in one of those irritating Harry Potter books or like the North Pole or something?! I'm joking. Darfur is real and those people desperately need our help (I think).

Anyway, a bunch of celebrities and non celebrities were at the charity event to show their support as well, like Jill Zarin from The Real Housewives of New York City, Sarah Silverman, Chef Rocco DiSpirito, and, um, that's about it. Wow, that's pitiful. You know Bon Jovi totally donated the most then.

I Don't Care What Every Single Person in America Says. Jennifer Aniston is NOT Going to Die Alone.

Jennifer Aniston was looking all hot and junk whilst walking her fine ass all around New York City over the weekend. Figures, she was out in public while I wasn't there. That's so how mine and Jen's relationship is.

People say that Jennifer Aniston is going to die alone and I don't agree. I'll totally marry her for a variety of reasons. First, she's hot. Second, she's rich. Actually let me swap those. First, she's rich. Second, she's hot. Third, she's in insane shape for being like 52. I mean, at the end of the day, those are really the only qualities you need in a successful relationship. I'm sure she's mad-cow-disease crazy, but I'm fine with that because the hotness and the money cancels that right out. As long as she doesn't mind waking up with me every morning asking if the Friends are really friends, then I think this is going to work out for the both of us. I'll be beginning my major facial reconstruction surgery on Tuesday.

Lindsay's Life Changing Moment

It was at this exact moment that Lindsay Lohan was deciding if she was ready to commit to a lifetime of lesbianism. She never even took into account how this choice would impact her shoe collection. I'm sure she hasn't even thought about flannel shirts for the winter yet.

Lindsay Lohan was shopping at a boutique in LA called Satine over the weekend shopping for boots and jail-striped shirts, probably for reminiscent reasons.

Time to Play: Who's Who?!

Ok I'll give you a hint. This is Tom Cruise, the actor, and Katie Holmes, the actress. Ok that's all the clues I'm giving. Now, you need to guess which of these people is Tom and which is Katie. Don't let the open toe shoes fool you. Don't let 'em fool you.

Tom and Kitty-Kat-Katie sported matching haircuts and "sports-coats" as they left Katie's rehearsal in NYC over the weekend and then stopped for a bite to eat. Speaking of bites to eat, I stopped for a bite to eat while I was in Boston this weekend. It was good. Thanks for asking.

Are They Kidding Me With This?

I love advertisements. I was on a website over the weekend and saw this ad pop up asking me if I knew who this politician was. If I guess correctly I could win dinner for two (and a night on the toilet) at Chili's!

This is so stupid. Obviously it's John McCain.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Brandy is Alive and Hasn't Killed Anyone Today. It's a Good Day to be Brandy.

Brandy, you're a fine girl, what a good wife you would be. But, my heart belongs to the sea. Anyway, it's about 8:47 AM and Brandy has yet to kill anyone. Not ready to laugh at vehicular homicide jokes so early? I don't blame ya. Brandy was at that God-forsaken "American Girl Place" right here in sunny NYC yesterday looking for a doll with a five-head like hers. Ding ding ding! She's found it.

Did you know Brandy also has a new single out? She does. Why would I say it if it weren't true? Her new song is called "Right Here." You should buy it at your local record store. Perhaps buy the tape of it so you can listen to it in your tape-deck or on your walkman or something.

To me, Brandy should just keep singing "Sittin' Up in My Room" and "The Boy is Mine." She shouldn't sing anything else. Just those two songs.

So Who Isn't "With Child?"

It's baby palooza in the celebrity world these days. While I never care about celebrity children, I figured I'd give you all a quick run down on the baby situation since I am, of course, a credible news source. I figure it this way: If Anne Curry is going to quickly mention it during her Today Show news updates then I should too. Here's the baby run down:

  • Matt Damon and his wife Luciana just gave birth to a baby girl named Gia. I love this name as it reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of Full House where Steph went to Gia's "make-out" party and was too afraid to start making out. That didn't stop Gia. Oh no it didn't. If Danny didn't show up at the last minute Gia would have been going through her moms medicine cabinet looking for the morning-after pill. Anyway, Matt Damon's daughter's name is Gia.

  • Angie Harmon and Jason Sehorn just announced they are expecting their 3rd child, to which the homeless man they announced it to responded, "So do you have any spare change or what?"

  • Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have confirmed they, too, are expecting their second child, although they wouldn't reveal their due date. Jennifer joked that she wasn't pregnant, she just had a lot of carbs for breakfast. Ok. Let's hope this new baby doesn't have the same sense of humor as Jennifer.

  • Ricky Martin has had twin boys via a surrogate mother a few weeks ago and is "elated" to spend the rest of the year with them out of the spotlight. Once the year is up, expect to see Ricky back in the spotlight the same way he has been in our faces since 1999.

Well folks, that's the baby wrap up. I'm a little disappointed that I can't report that Bindi Irwin is pregnant, but what can I say, she's not on her period yet and boy is she fast.

Kathy Lee Gifford at "The Ivy" Because, You Know, That Was Expected?

If you paid me $10,000 to guess who was at The Ivy yesterday and gave me 45,839 guesses, I would have never guessed Kathy Lee Gifford. I'm so pissed. I'm going to be in LA this time next week and like the celebrity stalker I am I will, of course, sit my fat ass down at the over-priced, under-tasty, restaurant. Why couldn't Snatchy Lee be there when I was there. Imagine if I was sitting next to her? I would have constantly asked if I could build a tree-house for Cody and Cassidy. I don't care how old they are. They need a tree-house.

Now that my Snatchy Lee chances are busted, here are some of my other top choices for people I hope I run into at The Ivy:

  1. Jodie Sweetin (duh)

  2. Bill and Cassie (the two old people who lived in the basement of "Webster's" house - you'd take the ladder that was behind the clock to get there)

  3. The lady who co-hosted America's Funniest People

  4. Sally Jesse Raphael

Kendra Looks Like She's Over It

While rumors are swirling that the girls from "The Girls Next Door" are hating Kendra and want her ass out of the house, these pictures certainly don't help. I'm not sure how exactly, but when you're trying to find something interesting to write about when the topics aren't that interesting, and it's a slow news day, you really start grasping at straws. Either way, Kendra looks pissed and like she couldn't give a crap to be there. However, something tells me that Kendra would be up for giving a crap, literally, on the red carpet. She's still hot though. I can say that. We're friends. No really, we are. I mean, we're myspace friends, but that's good enough for me.

Anyway, rumor has it that Kendra is moving her ass and grill out of the Playboy mansion and will be getting her own reality show that will follow Kendra around as she tries to rebuild her life and make it on her own. Um. Sure. Good luck to her. She'll be in that crappy condo her mom lives in, in San Diego. Best wishes.

Kendra, Holly, Bridget, and Hef were all awkward smiles at the premiere of The House Bunny in LA.

Ne-Yo Thinks Lindsay Lohan Doesn't Suck as Bad as He Originally Figured

R&B singer, Ne-Yo, has apologized for thinking that Lindsay Lohan was going to suck (and not in the good way) while he was producing her single "Bossy." Personally, I had assumed that the share number of freckles covering ones body somehow negatively impacted ones vocal chords, but apparently I was wrong as well. I'm sorry too Lindsay.

According to an MTV report, Ne-Yo has said, "Straight up and down I thought it was gonna suck. I was like, Lindsay Lohan are you joking? Are you serious? What the hell am I going to do for Lindsay Lohan? I took it as a challenge. And we put together a record for her. It's a quality record. One that I didn't think she was going to be able to pull off. Again, I will admit that. Straight up and down. I had to eat my words. I tried to call her and apologize for the assumption."
Yeah. Straight up and down. What the hell does that mean? And what does he mean he "tried" to call her and apologize. Did he apologize or not? Perhaps his phone broke while he was dialing. It happens.
Anyfreckle, the photos above are recently take of Linds and Samantha Rotten shopping around Malibu. Sam tries to hit as many lesbian stereotypes she can by sporting her little boys haircut and wearing a red flannel the summer.....because that makes sense. Take a bath!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

...In Other News...

~ Celebrity Twitter ~ ABH
~ Kate Beckinsale Snorkels ~ DSF
~ Will Jen and Brad Cross Paths? In Hell Maybe ~ Websters
~ Britney Needs to Pay People ~ CS
~ Why is Everyone Playing Amelia Earhart? ~ Ayyyy
~ Brody and Spencer Still Sassin' ~ POTP
~ Lily Allen Pulls a Winehouse ~ PB
~ Audrina's Pool Party ~ IDWYL

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Reason #4,562 Why Cats Should Be Flushed.

Happy Craptastic Harriet Carter Wednesday! This week Harriet helps you scoop up that pussy on your keyboard (layup joke), reminds you to clean your desk, 1950's housewife, and dresses you up like the complete and utter asshole you really are. I mean, you really are. Really. Asshole. Let's go!Product # 1 - Finally, a product out there that caters to the 2 people out of a 65 billion person population that are having a problem with cats sitting on their keyboard while they try to type.
Seriously who has this problem? No really, who? In the before picture that cat is basically dry-humping "qwerty row" and the dumb bitch that's at the desk has no clue what to do. I have an idea, flush that disgusting cat down the god-damn toilet. Gross. I know I've said it before but this is the same lady who brings brownies into the office work party and then as I take a bite she tells me that her cat "Cuddles" helped make them. Really, lady? The cat helped? Sounds like I could get worms by even talking to you right now. You know that cat totally licks the egg beater and then she lets it lick the bowl because she's a putrid f'n whore-faced cat lovin' skank. She probably cleans out her ice cube trays with that cats tail. Oh, and that tail? Yeah, that cat probably sticks it in its "sleepy hollow" while you're not around. Luckily, Harriet Carter now has a wooden cat bed that fits right onto your desk so that your cat can watch you while you drill yourself while looking at free porn. Yes, free. You're too cheap to pay for it. Tramp. I wouldn't spend a dime on this wooden bed, unless it was a wooden box for my dead cat. I'm just kidding, it wouldn't be dead. My cat would be alive. And it wouldn't be a wooden bed as much as a wooden box. A casket, actually. Who needs a cat running the show? I'd feed it Pop Rocks and Coke and wait for it's dumb head to explode off its flee-infested neck. Meow. Product # 2 - Oh hey there feminist movement! How are you today? Glad you're going back to work after that short maternity leave? Yeah, I'm sure you are. You must be all proud of yourself for going back to work and getting involved in those high powered business meetings and multi-million dollar merger decisions. Well, just to knock you down a couple notches I bought you a vacuum for your desk. Yes, vacuum. Because remember ladies, at the end of the day you should never stop cleaning. All you need to do is plug this handy dandy vacuum (that kind of looks like two pieces of bread) into your USB port and vacuum up that green glitter that is apparently scattered all over your desk. Not sure what a USB port is? I figured you wouldn't since you've been out of the work force for so long. That's a place where you can plug things into your computer. Computer. A computer? Um, I'd just go back to the days of the typewriter if I were you. Now all the vacuuming is going to take a lot out of you so be sure to swap out that vacuum for the fan when you're all done. Then kick you feet up onto your glitter free desk and rest it out. It's been a long day. I mean, so far you've answered your phone once and vacuumed. We can't ask much out of you than that. You wanted equal rights, well you got 'em! Thanks Harriet for reminding women that cleaning isn't just a duty that you are required (by law) to be doing at home. You must be doing it at your job as well. It's about time someone took a stand on this. All we need is for women to try to get out of office vacuuming and the next thing you know they'll want to vote and get abortions and junk. Time to go back to the good old days.

Product # 3 - Hey there f'n stupid! Trying to figure out additional ways to look like a friggin jackass? Well you may have thought you've hit "tilt" on the "dumb-ass-o-meter" but thanks to the stylist department at Harriet Carter you can really kick up your retardation a notch or two. Introducing the HC Fire Wig. Originally inspired by Lindsay Lohan's crotch, this red wig will make you the life of the party. First off, it's battery operated the way that every wig should be, and second it lights up almost as bright as Rudolph's alcoholic nose. It actually looks like a family of Rudolph's were slaughtered on your head. Well, it looks like a mix between that and what I can only assume Santa's sperm would look like if he went radioactive. Confused kids? Go and ask your parents, teachers, or camp counselors about radioactive sperm from Santa Claus. They'll be able to explain. Regardless what this wig is for I'm not sure what the point of it is. If it's supposed to be sexy it's not. Funny? Nope. Actually, if this is one of those trick wigs that overheats and then bursts into flames whilst on your head then it's totally funny. I'd be laughing the hardest when you're running around the Halloween party with your head ablaze. Helpful fire safety wig tip: If head catches fire during Halloween party simply dunk your head in the "bobbing for apples" cauldron. Sure you're likely to get electrocuted, but what would you rather, feeling like lightning is striking your over and over and over again or like you're french kissing the sun? It's your call. Thanks Harriet for making my hair glow because, you know, people demand that.

The Dog Looks Better and Has Less Fleas

First off can we change Aubrey's self-appointed nickname from "Aubarella" to something more appropriate like "Syphilicious." Someone told Aubrey from Danity Kane to pose sexy and this is what she came up with. Apparently she's making the same mouth movements that got her ass into this business in the first place. Aubrey and that other chick who's 40% less annoying than Aubrey were posing up a storm at the Dollhouse Jeans line at a NYC showroom.

Look I'm not trying to be mean, really, but Aubrey is the worst. If she didn't come across like she didn't have 14 various STDs then I would like her a little more. Even with a face full of Halloween makeup on she's still not that hot. And, she can't really sing. And at times her stomach hangs over her cameltoe-sprouting jeans. How she's managed to stay in the public eye is beyond me. Oh wait, because dip-shits like me write about her. She looks like she itches all over and you totally know that her "downstairs tenet" stinks to holy hell. I liked Danity Kane the first time around when they were called En Vogue. I also have no idea what I meant by that.

Take a bath, Aubrey, and then scrub the ring around the tub.

Cindy Crawford is No Joke

Seriously Cindy Crawford is no joke. How old is she now? 40's right? She looks insanely good, insanely. I don't know what Tyra is talking about saying that after you're done modeling you go back to a normal weight and blah blah blah. Cindy is like 10 years older than Tyra and looks like she could be Tyra's daughter.....if she was black....or if Tyra was white.....or if Tyra adopted a little white girl. You get the point.

Cindy and her husband were spotted the other day in Malibu, California walking hand in hand. This dude is crazy lucky and, possibly, also just crazy but that's another story for another day and another blog about other stuff.