Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Hills: Audrina and Lo's 60 Second Fight

Cue the applause, cue the applause. The Hills is BACK! Applause, applesauce, applesauce, applause! Not only is today IBBB's birthday, but it's Hills recap day too. It's like Santa planned my birth specific to this momentous day.

I was a little surprised that the Season 4 premiere was only 30 minutes, but I guess tool bag beggars can't be choosers. Ok, so I just finished watching it. Alright, so you know how when it's a really warm day out you're looking forward a nice fruit salad, and you see one that you really like because it has raspberries and pineapple on the top and you can see that there are some blueberries and grapes on the bottom, but then when you open the fruit salad the entire middle is really just honeydew and cantaloupe? Still with me? Yeah, well that's what the episode was like for me. I'd been looking forward to it all summer, but then there were like 3 commercials that were, no joke, 5 minutes each and they jam packed about 15 songs in the episode and a million screenshots of the Hollywood sign and other landmarks. Lots of filler, not a lot of pineapple. Anyway, here's what went down on last nights crapisode, We'll Never Be Friends, of The Hills:

  • Ah yes. Fast forward 3 months and Whitney and Lauren are right where we left them; hanging up jeans at Pubic Revolution. Lauren is simply telling Whitney that she has a date tonight and Whitney is reacting like Lauren just said she had sex in the middle of a busy intersection while bunnies watched. Whitney seems to think that it's a small world that Lauren ran into this guy from high-school. Yes Whitney, it's a very small world. Laguna Beach is about 1.5 hours from LA and the script is telling this dude to date Lauren. It's a very small world.

  • Yes! Whitney is bringing back her speech impediment! She keeps calling Lauren's date, Doug, DouK. She even repeats it twice like she's practicing flash cards Douk. DouK. Then she looks like she just ate a lemon. This will be a great crapisode!

  • Sweet Kimberly is back with her bangs from last season. Heidi and Kimberly are walking into "work" at Bolthouse and they just sit down in the lobby. Honestly it's like they're not even trying anymore. They're like, "F it. Everyone knows Heidi's office and job (and boobs and nose and chin and hair and lips and tan) are fake so, F it, let's just sit in the lobby and shoot this scene.

  • And cue Holly Montag! Hahaha. Seriously, she can hardly keep her teeth in her mouth. I love it. I love every second of it. Looks like someone got the "Darlene" genes in the Montag family!

  • Now why doesn't Steve Sanders like Holly? I mean, I know that's supposed to be "the thing" this season, but still. It's stupid. With Holly, Heidi, and Steve Sanders all living under one roof you can only imagine the hijinks that will ensue. I give it one week until Holly accidentally sees Steve Sanders naked in the bathroom (gross, Santa white pubes). Where have I seen all this before? Oh yeah, once again The Hills is turning into Three's Company.

  • Whoa. Where did LC get all that extra hair from? It's halfway down her back. LOser tells LC that she would date her and for one quick second I actually start to like LOser but mostly because I'm picturing them having a pillow fight in their underwear. The doorbell rings and LOser thinks she has to hide. Is she an illegal immigrant?

  • Ok wait. I hate when they do this. Doug is asking Lauren what she's been up to for the past 4 years. Really, Doug? You have no clue? Honestly? Like you didn't know that Lauren has been on a show called The Hills and you haven't heard anything about her and Jason, her and Brody, an alleged sex tape, a fight with Heidi and Spencer, a shit-bag clothing line, not going to Paris, going to Paris, oh and those pesky little cameras that have been following you around all night. Oh, and you're wearing a microphone, you know, because you're on a television show right now. Geesh.

  • I think Doug is kinda a douche-bag until I discover that he drinks the same beer I do. Now I'm the douche-bag. Clearly. This dude is so cheesy. And watching LC trying to flirt is like watching an old woman take off her bra. I mean, you sort of sit there and watch it because she's still a woman, but then you cringe when it's off because, you know, she's old woman.

  • Lauren orders a "fuzzy dragon" for her drink. Grab your nap mats boys and girls, because it's story time with IBBB. You see, LC ordering a "fuzzy dragon" means that she's going to be playing the "head bob" game on Dougie's knob. She may even put her moo-goo-gai-pan on his face to which he may even place his Chinese tea-bag on her chin. It's really a whole Chinese restaurant thing. You'll understand when you're older. Now go play hop-scotch. Actually, that's a whole other thing. Just got to bed. Story time is over.

  • Oh kids. Holly is not too good with the cue cards yet. Even asking if Steve Sanders wants breakfast is sounding a little to fake. Seriously this Heidi/Steve Sanders/Holly thing is f'n stupid.

  • Woo hoo it's Audrina's birthday party and it's filled with the douchiest party go'ers ever! Frankie and Doug are there in their Lakers jerseys. Yup, we know how that ended now don't we? There's a dude with a sky-high pink mohawk and a ton of people dressed all in black. At least Justin Bobby makes a cameo.

  • Hahaha why is Holly getting a "Hollywood makeover?" And when is Heidi going to get her makeover? Seriously it's like the same crap every season now. Holly is asking Heidi if she misses the relationship with Lauren. Nice try, Holly, but your mom asked the same thing on a mountain top at Crested Butte. I didn't care then and I don't care now. I miss Heidi's horse. Poor thing.

  • LOser is such a whore. She's locked herself in the house during Audrina's birthday and is playing with her dumb dog. Maybe if Lo just had a little sex she'd mellow out. She's the worst.

  • Holly's trip has come to a scripted end and she randomly, yet scriptedly, tells Heidi and Steve Sanders that maybe she'll just move out to LA. Heidi's just like "oh really?" This is the fakest thing ever. I'd believe it more if Holly said she was hiding weapons of mass destruction in her new weave. Sidenote, Steve Sanders gelled his curls for this season. Nice matted down perm.

  • The moment we've all been waiting for. LOser goes to "talk" to Audrina in her backyard tree-house. LOser is such a bitch. She's trying to put Audrina in her place and Audrina is having no part of it. Her teeth aren't having any part of it either. I kinda wonder if LOser is wondering why Audrina is looking up at the ceiling the whole time.
  • Wow. Audrina is sassing back every time LOser tries to sass her. It's like a major sass-off. It's like a tennis match, back and forth, of losers fighting. I, of course, am the biggest of the losers because I am both watching and typing.

  • Audrina tells LOser that she doesn't care anymore and doesn't want to try being friends with her because they'll never be friends. Sweet! I didn't think old dead eyes had it in her! LOser kinda looks stunned, but I assume it's just because she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and with her new nose she still hardly recognizes herself. But that's just me.

Overall, a little disappointed. Hopefully this season shapes up soon. So what did you guys think? Good? Bad? Indifferent?



Amy said...

Did you also notice that Doug and Frankie 'went to the Lakers' game together? Didn't Doug just move to LA? How is he already hanging out with Frankie? Maybe I misinterpreted or maybe in order to date Lauren you have to be a a) Brody Jenner or b) Friends with a second-rate Brody Jenner. I felt like The Hills was trying to fit every hit song of the summer (and some super trendy 'unknowns) into one scene. There was more music then dialogue. And 2 seconds into their date, Doug was like, can we do this again? (Apparently that one sip of beer really calmed his nerves).

Shannon said...

I'm so glad your recaps are back! Is it wrong that I was thinking of you the entire time The Hills was on last night thinking what would IBBB be thinking right now? LOL.

LOser really does suck. I don't even care if I'm falling for their trick. She sucks.

Anonymous said...

one of the worst episodes ever... and yet I can't wait for next week. something is seriously wrong w/ me.

crestedbutte said...

Did anyone see after one of the commercial breaks later they had Heidi and Spencer on? Heidi seemed completely out of it. Hopefully she has some form of drug addiction or something!

melissa said...

Gahhh!! So right, PC, No pineapple at all. I almost yacked when Doug was all, "So, Audrina....is she a good friend of yours?" Hey doucheface! We know you've been watching for four seasons!

Audrinas party side note: Reason #467 this show is annoying. Doug shows up with Frankie? Just went to a Lakers game? Really? Because I just thought LC "bumped into him" and it was a "small world" and it was a big deal she was inviting him to Audrinas party. Why do I have a feeling they had been dating for 6 months and Douggie had been douching it up with Frankie for sometime. They were just recreating the start of their relationship...fake fake FAKE!

I laughed when Lo gave the "Ive done all that I can do speech." Right, Lo. You've done soooo much!

I was pumped to see that LOser wasnt in the opening credits. Thats gotta burn her up. And somebody get me a "TEAM AUDRINA" T-shirt, because Teefs McGee really stuck it to her. I was shocked LO actually removed her head from LC's ass for five minutes to go talk to Audrina. We've all dealt with a LO. The old friend that hovers and is so scared of losing their meal ticket they send out those crazy non-verbals to make everyone who hasnt known "Their friend" longer uncomfortable...Audrina tried to explain that to her but I think Lo is like OJ. Completely convinced of her innnocence.
I agree, this episode was a lot of fluff...

Great recap, as always.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday IBBB!

Holly is the worst. She adds nothing to the show.

xoxoxo said...

i LOVE these recaps! It makes my whole week. You are so fuckin funny I love it. Thank you ;)

IBBB said...

Hahaha...."Why do I have a feeling they had been dating for 6 months and Douggie had been douching it up with Frankie for sometime"


And The Hills did try to fit all top 25 songs on itunes into a 15 minute crapisode.


breastedcutte said...

Happy Birthday IBBB!

Thanks for the recap, I've been waiting TOO long! I am such a loser that when my alarm clock went off this morning I actually jumped out of bed to get to work to check the recap. WOW.

Anyway, so I'm thinking Whitney is pretty damn cool. She wants to say so much but she's too smart to lay it all out there on national television. I liked the "That's a funny name" in reference to Douk. Why is that funny? You know she wants to make fun of people but she has to keep it all sweet and innocent....
And I loved seeing the old episodes where Heidi looks like a totally different person. And yeah, I used to love Stella Artois, but Douk ruined it for me.
And I'm soooo team Audrina. That was freakin' awesome!! The only thing that would have been better is if she had punched Lo straight-eyed.

Taylor said...

You had me at Santa Pubes.

As usual, I haven't watched this yet. I tivo then watch AFTER reading IBBB ONLY.

Bravo and Happy Birthday !!!

Stacey said...


Anonymous said...

I totally agree with everyones comments on the "what have you been up to for the last 4 yrs" question...like GET REAL...I dont care who u are, if u "dated/went to the prom" with someone right as they were filming a "reality show" you totally watch it..

I also have been wondering what the deal with Chiara is...she seems so awkward and none hillsy...in fact I think she has a striking ug-resemblance to Breanna Conrad...

Kelly said...

Love the re-cap as usual. I dont even have to watch the show anymore! :)

HAPPPPPPPPY BIRTHDAY as well. Many thanks for all the laughs.

elaine said...

for a sec i thought it was bromance brody in the lakers jersey but it was doug. sheesh!

I also couldn't help staring at lauren's flapjack boobs during the intro scene on the beach blehhhhhhh

that's what she said...

Wayyyyy too many commercials. If I wanted to watch commercials, I would watch the Sound of Music on the family channel.

Happy Birthday you blogging fool!

Anonymous said...

--}I also couldn't help staring at lauren's flapjack boobs during the intro scene on the beach blehhhhhhh{--

Haha. Yeah. Thought the same thing. What, has she already nursed 7 brats or something? What happened?

LOser is completely annoying. Her only purpose on the show is to be Lauren's faithful asslick. Other than that, she brings absolutely nothing to the table.

Seriously, can you imagine hiding in your room the whole freaking party, and then going to Audrina and claiming you had done all you could. Freakin joke. So glad when Audrina was having none of it.

The only way Lo would be interesting is if they filmed her therapy sessions. That could be a treat worth watching.

Anonymous said...

hilarious recap. i'm still not sure why the entire episode was about 8 minutes long, why heidi still "works" at bolthouse after she left her bosses in vegas, or why JB decided to wear a leather OUTFIT to a pool party. ehh at least he cut his hair. thats all.

happy birthday! :)

Stepholicious said...

Your recaps are money!
So glad to see the return of Lauren the Snorin, Lo the Ho and Audrina Beaver!
Heidi has serious zombie face, Spencer has officially sucked the life outta her!


Check out my blog!

Anonymous said...

I couldn't stand looking at Lauren's boobs in that yuckie dress (that she prob designed herself--duhh!)either. Audrina looked like something the cat dragged in with that knotty hair. Whitney, poor Whitney, she seems the most "normal." I observed something & I'm shocked that no one else picked up on it but I DO NOTTTT for 1 second think that Audrina said "We'll never be friends" to LOser in the last scene! The camera totally wasn't on her as she was saying it! It seemed totally dubbed in there to me--kinda like when Tyra says things on ANTM in a diff voice at the weekly elimination and we never see her say it. It sounded 2375897% different sOo someone please re-watch and back me up! MTV has balllllls to make us wait months and then to have 7 mins of show and like 25 minutes (b/c it went to 10:32pm if u remember correctly) of commercials! F MTV!!

Anonymous said...

I definetely noticed that the" we'll never be friends" sounded totally dubbed in. It actually made me laugh because that was the title of this episode. It was very reminicent of Newport Harbor when they dubbed in something at least twice an episode. This show continues to get more stupid as they continue to not only refuse to aknowledge the fame of the characters but also put stupid scenes with Doug pretending not to know what's been happening the last 4 years or someone continuing to ask Heidi about her and Laurens relationship like they can't just read about it in US Weekly.

Anonymous said...

Good point... why is Heidi's ass not fired??

kasey said...

I also totally agree with the theory that the last line was dubbed. Whenever the camera is not on someone who is talking, the line is ALWAYS dubbed. It's so obvious. And the fact that Frankie and Doug were already bffs drove me CRAZY. At first i thought it was Brody in the matching Lakers jersey and that he got a makeover with Holly or something. Anyway awful episoide and can't wait for next week.

p.s. happy birthday IBBB.

Anonymous said...

Happy Belated Birthday!!

I forogt how I found you in the first place, but you sure do have a great sense of humor which continues to make me laugh everytime you recap this show!!

Maro said...

First of HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! :)
I am a HUGE fan of your blog, hands down your are the funniest blogger I know. The hills recap are the best part of my day ( pathetic I know!) and to make the whole situation sadder, I don't think I have even finished watching season 1! ( my blood pressure couldn't handle it!) But finding this blog, and reading your recaps, I must say I am very motivated to start rewatching it again!

p.s You did a wonderful job with this recap! :)

D said...

I know I'm like a day late and a dollar short on this one but perfect recap, as always and Happy Birthday.

I would have stopped watching this show years ago if it weren't for your recaps, they make it all worth it.