Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Hills: Stephanie's Birthday Looked Like It Sucked. Just Sayin.

Bad news guys. I didn't get to watch The Hills last night because I ended up watching the Democratic National Convention. Psych! Just kidding. I don't care who wins President as long as they don't take The Hills off the air....because that's what I assume President's are responsible for. I'm not even sure who's running. Ronald Reagan? Probably. Anyhills, so what will go down at Sandy Sanders birthday party? Will LOser continue to allow America to view her as a complete douche for under $50K an episode? Will Whitney go back to adding K's to the end of words that end with "ing?" Will Audrina's boobs combust in the LA heat? Will Lauren acknowledge that there's a camera crew following her around? All this and much much much less for this weeks Hills crapisode recap! Here's what went down in the, Drama Follows Them, crapisode.
  • Wow Sandy Sanders and LC are in basically every class together. This time around they are both taking "Market Research." Yikes sounds difficult especially when the "professor," who is probably really the boom mic operator, says to them "Take out your magazines." I guess that's a good way to help settle down the students before they start nap time. P.S Lauren's ring that has her name across her hand wasn't cool in 1989 and it's not cool now.

  • Sandy Sanders tries to tell Lauren that she hasn't spoken with Steve Sanders and Heidi in weeks and that drama follows them, to which LC replies that drama doesn't follow them as much as they chase it. They're both wrong. Camera crews follow them and they do, in turn, chase camera crews. There's a difference.

  • So Doug is the new Whitney. When he pulls out Lauren's chair at the restaurant he literally says, "This is you" and then he makes her sit there. Yeah how's that cave you're living in, Doug...or DouK as Whitney would say. He's like, "Me DouK. We at restaurant. You Lauren. This is you. You sit here. I douche."

  • HOLY CRAP. TIVO ALERT! I'm not kidding at all about this (ok well maybe a little). DouK wants to hang out with Lauren for the rest of the day, but she says she can't because she has to "work" to which he replies "take it off" and while she starts to say she can't, I swear to God...I SWEAR TO GOD I'm pretty sure he just blurts out, "I'm gonna take my cock off." Seriously, rewind it. I did, about 15 times and each time I'm pretty sure he either said, "I'm gonna take my cock off" or "I'm gonna take my cock out." Brilliant.

  • So let's take a minute to discuss "Chiara" Audrina's co-worker. I actually want to say that I think she really does work at Epic. To me, she's like the shit-bum sister of Whitney or something. Now what road-kill-animal-carcass does Chiara have on her head? Is that possum or beaver? Haha beaver. You think someone would have told her not to go for the Alanis Morrisette haircut since it's no longer 1993. Too bad the Hills props department couldn't put a party hat on her or something. Instead, we'll just have to settle for her Walgreens $14.99 Halloween Fright Wig.

  • Audrina and Chiara discuss actual work for 14 seconds and say such business buzzwords as "mastered" and "recorded" and then switch right over to discussions about Audrina's life. Chiara tells Audrina that she'll kick LOser's ass. First off, I believe it. Second, I start to ponder the fact that all co-workers on The Hills seem to have jacked up bangs. Chiara has them and so goes Heidi's fauxsistant Emily. That's all.

  • Ding Ding Ding! We have ourselves a winner. While LC and Whitey are supposed to be working they are talking about Stephanie's horrific birthday party to which Whitney responds, "Are Spencer and Heidi cominK?" Sweet! If I were Lauren I would have totally messed with her and kept saying, "What? Are they what? What do you mean? What's cominK mean?" Then I would have walked outside and kicked an orphan on the street because I'm a badass. Sidenote: aren't they supposed to be wearing all black at Pubic Revolution? Whitney's wearing my Nana's Sunday church dress.

  • Seriously, when I get to LA this week I'm burning down Don Antonio's. Gross, Steve Sanders and Heidi are talking baby talk about chicken tacos. I'm this close to changing the channel to the Democratic National Convention. This close! These two crack-asses are still talking about never talking to Sandy Sanders again if she invites LC to her birthday party...blah blah blah....she's rolling with that crew....blah blah blah....where are your loyalties....blah blah blah....these lights in this shit-bag restaurant make my beady eyes look creepier....blah blah blah these same lights really make Heidi's lips glow...blah blah blah commercial break.

  • Can I say that I'm shocked that LOser can actually see her reflection in the bathroom mirror?

  • Uh-oh! The Hills editing machine is in overdrive. Seriously, at this point peoples facial expressions and looks aren't even matching up with what anyone is saying or the situation. At the end LOser just looks in the bathroom mirror and shakes her head yes. You know the people in charge of editing are just like "Screw it...push it to live."

  • Well it's official. There will never be an occasion or place fancy enough to make Kelly CUNTrone shower, change her clothes, or wash her hair...or brush it for that matter. The work gang is at a fancy restaurant and Kelly CUNTrone looks like she just finished washing her car and then just put down the hose, got in her car, then got out of her car and decided to run to the restaurant. Yuck.

  • Yay! Jessica is back. What the hell is she all about? More importantly, what the hell is she talking about? Kelly CUNTrone is talking about something and then Jessica starts saying something and using her hands a lot. I officially am lost. Kelly CUNTrone tells Jessica to stop talking because it's her company and Jessica should just be "pretty pretty happy happy and pitch stories." That's so not fair for poor Jessica. I mean how is Jessica supposed to be pretty? She can't control that. It's like a disability for her. She should be able to collect long-term disability for this situation. If she wears that crazy feather thing in her hair while she goes to collect her long-term disability I bet they'll give her even more money. It's a win-win.

  • Yowza! How's your face full of makeup, LOser?

  • Is it bad that when LC and LOser are driving to Sandy Sanders birthday party and LC says to LOser "can't we all just get along" I secretly wish that police officers would pull over LOser, pull her out of the car, and beat her ass like they did Rodney King? What? What's the big deal? I'm almost certain LA wouldn't riot after that happened.

  • Ok, so it's time for Stephanie's party, which looks pretty boring. Everyone shows up and hugs people. No really, that's about it. All of a sudden DouK is BFFs with with Frankie and Brody. Clearly they're the Three Douchekateers.

  • The editing machine must be smoking and ready to combust because LOser is talking to Audrina and Audrina is just sitting there not saying anything to her. Also, the lights are making LOser literally look like a monster. No joke. She looks like she's 75 yrs old.

  • Hahaha right as Audrina is about to grab her coat, watch for the little dude with the hat and missing teeth right behind her. Hahaha brilliant.

  • Steve Sanders and Heidi show up "unannounced" to the party with about 50 balloons and a birthday cake because, you know, that's what you bring to a bar. They love it especially when you bring your own food.

  • The rest of the gang actually look shocked that Steve Sanders and Heidi (and her new chin, new nose, new boobs, new lips, and fake tan) are there. Brody pitches a fit like a bitch and leaves with "I'm Not Sure What His Nationality Is, Frankie." LOser looks like she is literally scared for her life. She asks to leave like 10 times. They all leave and while walking out DouK looks like he's walking with a dump in his pants.

  • Ugh. The next day Steve and Sandy Sanders are having the same fight for the 15th time about her being friends with LC. I don't know. They're talking about jumping ships and having two ships and that's called jumping ships. Then Steve Sanders relates their situation to Iran and Israel trying to get along. Wow, looks like all that reading on the couch last season is paying off! While Steve Sanders is going on his rant I notice that you can see Sandy Sanders fake tan marks on her wrist and bottom of her hand. That'll be all.

  • So Kelly CUNTrone fired Jessica and gave Whitney her job. Haha. I'm sure Jessica is psyched that she was asked to appear on The Hills again for 15 seconds only to get fired. Someone get me in touch with Jessica. I want to interview her. Stat. Whitney will be bi-coastal in this new position. I'm so psyched that she'll be swinging both ways!

  • LC and Sandy Sanders are back in class and talking about the party. Sandy is throwing Steve Sanders and Heidi under the bus, but LC isn't having it and tells Sandy Sanders that her friends (i.e LOser) are telling her not to trust Sandy Sanders.

  • No really, that's the end of the episode. Now can somebody clear something up for me? Did anything actually happen in this episode? I'm starting to slowly slip off The Hills bandwagon.


Shannon said...


I can hardly understand a word that DouK is saying ever. He is cute though LOL.

LUV your recaps. You are the best part of the show. Mean it!

Oyster Girl said...

I was pretty sure that Feist was now working at Epic with Audrina. Maybe all Canadian singers have that messed up bang style.

I also loved how Jessica got canned and that the job was given to Whitney...WTF?!

D said...

You're correct that absolutely nothing happened in this episode. I'd be way off the Hills bandwagon if it weren't for your recaps, seriously.

JJ said...

you totally missed something, I can't believe it! as I was watching last night I thought for sure you would comment on the 2 women that were sitting in the entrance to the club (the lobby??) The gave Lo and LC the once over and one of them just had this look of disbelief on her face, a "wtf is that white bitch wearing look"...

melissa said...

I am bowing down to you once again, for catching DouK's walk while leaving the bar. I was just thinking, "he's tanked!"....but yes. "Walking like he has a dump is pants" is way more accurate.

Bravo LOser. You're single handedly making America hate Spencer less. Im so focused imagining Audrina (or myself) jacking you in the face I have no time to ponder what a doucheball Spencer is. And I never thought that could happen.

Is anyone catching LC's discouraging looks at LO when vomits rudeness all over the cast? I know, I know, its all clever editing, but Im convinced LC's gotten smart and dropped her from the social network.

Im on chemo right now and Im wondering if the Make A Wish Foundation would let me get in the ring with LO. My hemoglobin is a little low but I would destroy her.

Anonymous said...

Why is LC always bossing everyone around? Did anyone catch her telling Frankie to "wish Stephanie a happy birthday" followed by him obeying her like a puppy.

I highly enjoyed watching LC and Doug leave the club hand-in-hand with their grandmother, i mean Lo, trailing behind. Seriously, was she wearing a wig? I had to turn away when she starting making demon/creep faces at Audrina and mouthing "im glad we talked." i thought she was going to whip out a gun and kill her. or knit her a sweater.

that's what she said...

i totally noticed the "fake tan" marks on sandy sanders wrist. ewwwwwwwah! can't they get someone to buff that off? maybe lauren and whitney's old personal trainer could do it?

CB said...

Kelly is gross. I love how they're setting up Whitney goinK to New York. I hope they cut her loose from The Hills and give her her own show.

Ashley said...

I didn't even know that Iran and Israel are fighting. I've hit a new low in my life when I get my current events from The Hills.

Valerie said...

you forgot to mention that Sandy Sander's bangs are horrific. She doesn't always wear them, but when she does it looks like they are going to eat her face. Gross!

Anonymous said...

Another great recap!!! Did anyone else count the number of times LOser told LC haw GLAD she was that Douk was going to the party. Was it LCs date of hers. She seemed more excited than LC.

Anonymous said...

You are right that nothing happened in this episode. my tv channel guide said that Audrina would choose between Justin and new guy Colin and that Whitney would meet a new model in NY. Neither of those happened! WTF!

elaine said...

I'm glad we talked....

audrina's non-response was brazilliant!

C'mon Jenner (tattooed across his abdomnen)... no one gives a flying fack who you are and that you're pulling a bitch fit at a club that apparently doesn't care and lets douchebags wearing baggy crap pants and hair like David Hasselhoff into their establishment.

I'm inviting the entire Hills cast to my wedding 08-08-09 hahaha

Jeannette said...

I waited for you to post abour LO's face at the party, I had to go back to that scene over and over again. It seriously scared the shitnazz out of me. You forgot to talk about when "LC" and Douk were at dinner, LC tells dock that she doesn't get along with stephanie's brother, when Douk asked " Why don't you get along with her brother?"

Seriously...he doesn't know? THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS, EVEN BUSH KNOWS...but no douk...

IBBB said...

I seriously feel like they're not even trying any more. Let's bring some of the past favorites like Cami from Lagina Bitch, Kristin from Lagina Bitch season 1, and perhaps Chrissy from Douche Bag Creek.

I'm also up for seeing Lisa Loveless box Kelly CUNTrone.

I mean, at the end of the day I'm the biggest tool bag and that's all that really matters.

Viva la Hills,

Taylor said...

IBBB, I agree, then need Kristin to show them how its done. She is far from boring, I don't know how LC got a show and not Kristin, she MADE LB the great show that it was.

Please try and throw in a litle more about the santa pubes now and then, that just kills me.

Anonymous said...

Don't you DARE jump off the bandwagon. These re-caps make me go to the Hills website and re-watch it every time.

I couldn't quite define what was wrong with Doug as we got a shot of his rear- now I am certain that you are right...

Nice work!

Anonymous said...

I do have a theory though - I think the episode before this was seriously edited. When Lo went to talk to Audrina, you'll notice that the camera didn't show them together in a shot. It was just back and forth- I don't think Audrina actually told Lo she didn't care about their friendship.

In this episode, when Lo says, "I'm glad we talked", I think she is being sincere and referring to the talk they had last episode in Audrina's little guest house.
Anyone with me on this?

Anonymous said...

Does anyone else think that LOser looks like Chris Crocker in her closeup? Thats seriously who I thought it was at first! I was like holy shit that kid is getting alot of attention!

LEAVE AUDRINA ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

My magazine had an "are you over the hills" blurb and recommended

"The Hills of James Franco and Mila Kunis" funnyordie.com
"Over the Hille" heavy.com
"Beirut Hills" funnyordie.com

Becca said...

You must stay on this bandwagon!!! I don't know what I would do on Tuesdays without my recap. You are right, DouK totally threatens to take his cock off. What else could he be saying? The previews look good. I totally love Brody Jenner even though he totally dissed you...

Anonymous said...

This is by farrr my fave recap EVER! Holy Shit LOser--wtf?! She's not a day older than 22 & those wrinkles?! People in Cali don't believe in a little thing called sunscreen? How about the title of this crapisode should have been "Can't we all get just along?!" b/c that was said a dozen times throughout this (life-sucking) 30 minute show!

Who goes into a club with 2957893 balloons like they were attending a 3yr old's b-day party? And Brody effin Jenner--the balllllls on him to make a spectacle of himself & leave abruptly; he is suchhhh an over-actor. Hopefully he's half as attractive as his father in 40yrs & gets as many face lifts!

Moving on--ummm how about the 'rules' that Kelly CUNTrone set at People's Revolution of employees wearing dark colors & Lauren breaking the rules in her white dress at "work?"

LOser and Whit are def in competition for the 'Nana' title. Stay tuned folks...

Anonymous said...

"I'm glad Spencer and Heidi are not coming, that would have make me nervous"

"Let's go, come on let's go, let's go. Seriously let's go".

LMAO when LO saw Spencer I tought she was about to pee on her pants !

Anonymous said...

LOL I just found you by googleing that ridiculous statement by steve sanders about Iran and Israel, I haven't laughed so hard at this show. You basically say what I say in my head only funnier. LC is such a cunt, she can't put LOser in place. Also, why the hell does everyone want to be her friend? By the way she loses friends anyone would know that she's toxic. I also hate the way she told DouK that a boy she hates is coming to the party. Like his ass doesn't know, I'm sure he reads perezhilton and ONTD like DAILY for his The Hills fix.

Anonymous said...

Frankie's race is Mexicsn, hailing from the beautiful s-hole of Tijuana where it cost about uno pesos for a bj. Apparently his "job" is to lure hot chicks into hollywood clubs? I had no idea he was even hot enough to do that. Maybe it's the ricky ricardo accent, or maybe he just takes Brody everywhere he goes. And Douk.