Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Hills Recap: Darlene Montag Totally Sweats Spencer

My fellow Americans (sorry Canada) I address you today as our economy has hit tilt on the "Oh-Shit-o-Meter," the stock market is literally in the toilet and covered with that blue stuff that makes your water a nice color, and my 401K is basically at $0.14. The good news is that I'm not entirely sure what my 401K is for, so I'm not really missing the money. The point is, is that with all of the terrible things happening it really puts into perspective what really is important in this world. The Hills is important. Darlene Montag is important. LOser being a bitch is completely important. Trying to figure out exactly what Steve Sanders does during the day is important. Heidi's new chin is important. Heidi's new boobs are important. Heidi's new fake lips are important. Heidi's new nose is important. The strange and premature aging lines under Lauren's eyes that the light always seems to hit just right when she's out to dinner are important. These are all things that are important. The economy? It'll fix itself. The Hills? It's not going to watch itself, so it is up to us, as Americans (mostly illegal I'm sure) to watch The Hills and forget about who's running for what and who can see what country from their own backyard.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program.....here's what went down, last night, on The Hills.

  • Jarret is back! How did he and Whitney never make it work? They're perfect for each other. They're like the same person. Jarret is giving advice about Sandy Sanders and DouK to Lauren and you know that Whitney was thinking, "Hey wait, that's my line!" Meanwhile Lauren is throwing punches like she's swatting fruit-flies away from her hoo-ha and Whitney is doing about 11 oz curls with her dumbbells, which I will now call "Whitbells."

  • Wait. MTV is blowing Britney Spears the same way that Us Weekly blows The Hills. They're playing Britney's new song, "Womanizer" that just premiered on the radio about 12 hours ago. Wow and they're playing about 2 minutes of the song. Now, is the song called Womanizer? I wasn't sure. I mean, she says, "Womanizer" about 34 times in the first 14 seconds so I wasn't entirely sure I understood.

  • Why does Sandy Sanders tell Lauren, at school, that she's so "pink" while looking down towards her crotch? I hear that girls share a lot with each other, but this brings it to a whole new level. Regardless, Lauren's mustache is back! Hooray!

  • Holy editing machine! What in the holy hell is Sandy Sanders and Lauren talking about? I can't follow this conversation to save my life. LC is confronting or "fauxfronting" Sandy Sanders about her filmed and televised date with DouK and Sandy Sanders is stumbling over her words, stuttering, and making no sense whatsoever. She sounds like a little girl that was caught cheating on her Social Studies test and is trying to explain the the teacher that is was all a misunderstanding.....meanwhile you can totally still see the answers written all up her arm.

  • Just to recap: Sandy Sanders deleted DouK's number from her cell, then he called her a bunch of times and she had many missed calls, then he invited her to his party (which she is going), but that was a long time ago before they became friends. This, kids, is a lesson on why doing meth at any time in your life is not a good idea. You will become Sandy Sanders eventually and that's not a good thing. Jodie Sweetin just got lucky.

  • Surprise! Darlene Montag is in the mother-f'n hizouse! Steve Sanders is thrilled, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is making cupcakes, and Heidi is excited that it's her birthday all while reflecting on the concept that she's turning 22 yet half her body is only 2 years old.

  • Meanwhile, DouK and Sandy Sanders are grabbing a drink and hatching a plan about what to say to Lauren about their fauxlationship. Again, perhaps they don't realize that they are mic'd up, there are cameras around them, and they're on a show called The Hills that will air their conversation and plan. The "date" ends with DouK asking Sandy Sanders what she's doing after this and if it's a movie night or a DVD night. That's code word for "Can I drop my Blockbuster video down your 24-hour return hatch?" If Sandy Sanders gets pregnant they're going to have the f'n stupidest kids who, in the end, will end up working at Blockbuster Video. Just a thought.

  • Poor Whitney. Not only does she have to report to Kelly CUNTrone, but she also has to listen to all the craptastic details of Lauren's life. At least we get to see Whitney make awkward faces and mispronounce words. I can't wait for her spinoff!

  • Woo hoo it's the lunch date with Steve Sanders and Darlene. Darlene sits exactly like Heidi does. Dude, even though this crap is scripted and staged Steve Sanders is a complete douche-bag to Darlene. It makes it even worse that Darlene, as a human, would agree to be treated like a coke-whore on national television. Darlene calls Steve Sanders rude, condescending, very hostile, and manipulative. Oh God. Darlene totally wants to get in his pants. It all makes sense now! Seriously, if someone was talking to my mom like that she wouldn't be so calm. She would have ripped them a new one. Darlene could have scored way more point with the viewers if only she had dropped an f-bomb or two and threw her water in his face and trotted off. This episode was so close to being good.

  • Meanwhile back at DouK's party Frankie is hammered as usual and Lauren is on her way to slurred word city! Finally! Watching these fools any other way than drunk is just boring.

  • Whitney is literally wearing my grandmothers bathing suit and she's even sporting some type of suede ankle warmers of some sort. DouK cannonballs his drunken ass into the pool which totally drenches Whitney and the gang and Whitney reacts like she's just been hit by a bullet during a driveby shooting. She then spits out the water in her mouth onto the pool deck. Totally hot. DouK tries to fauxpologize to Whitney, but she's says she doesn't know him and doesn't want to know him. Rude. He should have been like, "Oh yeah, well my name is Doug not DouK, retard."

  • How appropriate. Darlene and Heidi are having lunch at a place called, "Tart" Hmm, fitting. Darlene and Heidi are fighting about Steve Sanders and their relationship. OH YEAH HERE IT COMES!!!! Darlene is starting to cry about losing Heidi. Can I say that I actually think that this part is real because the camera literally zooms into her face (which they NEVER do) and Heidi says, "mom" in a way that's kinda like, "wow you must be a real good actress because your cue cards don't even say to cry." I mean, I'm sure there's a producer standing behind Heidi showing Darlene pictures of her horse from Crested Butte getting its head cut off and being turned into glue, but she's still crying nonetheless. I'm sure she's not crying as much about losing Heidi to Steve Sanders as she is crying over the fact that her daughter is complete joke that most people in America and overseas think is an actual money-hungry-whore. That's something to cry about. Well, that and horse being turned into glue. Unless it's Elmer's glue. Then it should be a celebration of the horses life, not death. What?!

  • Meanwhile back at DouK's douche-party, DouK has pictures of himself all over his place. Oh, and not like photographs, I'm talking actual pencil sketches, oil paintings, etc.

  • DouK throws Sandy Sanders under the bus and now they're fighting over whether they went out for two dinners or 1 dinner and 1 coffee. Clearly, 2 dinners is not ok, but 1 dinner and 1 coffee is acceptable. Young children, are you taking notes on this?

  • So DouK's a dick, but let me say that I liked him about 99% better when he actually said to Lauren, "You're like my ex-fling....wh-wha-what is that!?" Sweet! I'd say that part was not scripted. Basically, like we all knew, DouK was just banging LC and wouldn't even give her the title of "dating." I love it. While Lauren peaces out, all of a sudden you see LOser sitting next to Brody. Where the hell did she come from? It's like when that little kid ghost appeared in "3 Men and a Baby." Remember that kid?

  • Sandy Sanders cues the waterworks and continues tripping over her words to LC. LC is dumb enough to try and dry her tears. Now is Sandy Sanders crying over what happened or is Lauren's mustache really starting to scare her? It's a real toss up at this point.

  • Sandy Sanders starts telling tall tales about why she and DouK went for coffee and then Lauren (and the editing machine) stop her from continuing the pointless lies and Sandy just blurts out, "I'm so sorry." You know that if they're watching this episode they're both like, "Did we even have a conversation about that? None of this happened. In fact, half of this crap is animated." Ohhh I want to see a cartoon hills!

  • Lauren storms off...probably to head to her electrolysis appointment. End scene.

Monday, September 29, 2008

...In Other News...

~ So When is Katy Perry Going Away? ~ ABH
~ Scar Jo Off the Market ~ Websters
~ More Heather Locklear Updates ~ CS
~ Superhero Fashion Trends ~ Ayyyy
~ Jenny Garth in Santa Red ~ IDWYL
~ Britney Sex Tape? ~ POTP
~ Tina Fey Does Palin: Part II: ~ PB
~ What Ate Victoria Beckham's Legs? ~ BS
~ Mindy McCready Back to the Slammer ~ BB
~ Borat Crashes the Party ~ ND


Crap! Aniston Sees Us!

First of all, let me just say that me gusta Jennifer Aniston. Also, me gusta Churros y Chocolate. A lot of people give me crap for liking Jennifer Aniston and you wanna know what I tell those people? I tell them that their mothers are whores. That typically quites them down. Anyfriends, Jen (that's what I call her) was just trying to enjoy a little rest and relaxation while in Mexico when she spotted a paparazzi dude that was probably hiding behind a Churro stand or a banana boat and what's the first thing she does? She covers her vagina. Good move. It's a good lesson to all the young celebrity girls out there. If you discover someone trying to take your picture, it doesn't matter if you have clothes on or not, just cup your vagina like it's leaking oil and you'll be fine.

Jen then grabbed her own camera to pull the old, "I'll take a picture of you, how do you like it" trick to the paps. However, she then sat back down after she realized those pictures would get her a dime.

Someone Take a Brush to Sweetin

Jodie Sweetin, her rack, and her baby were all strange facial expressions and awkward poses whilst on the brown carpet at the "Celebration of Babies Benefiting the March of Dimes" at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills over the weekend.

You'd figure if Stephanie Tanner knew she was going to be photographed she would have brushed that rats nest of a hairdo. Although her rack was looking quite perky. It really balances out her chin. Wait a second. When you think about it, Jodie Sweetin is totally the original Heidi Montag. So this is basically what Heidi Montag would look like fast-forward 8 years if she never had any work done. Suddenly Heidi doesn't seem so crazy anymore. Chins and racks. It's the way of the future!

I can't wait for Jodie's reality show to get picked up. I don't care if a network picks it up or not. Jodie, you can post Youtube clips right here on IBBB and I'll still recap it. It's going to be a great fall! I know, I know, I sound like a geek-burger with cheese. How rude!

Teef and Tats Patridge Hit the MGM Grand Pool

Luck be a dead-eyed lady tonight! Teef and Tats Patridge hosted the Bombay Sapphire event at the Wet Republic pool at the MGM Grand in Vegas over the weekend. What a real treat it must have been for the guests by the pool to experience double the Audrina for 4 whole hours. Audrina hosted this event by doing such things as standing, sitting whilst holding a drink, flashing her blindingly white teeth (that actually helped bring in a few planes overhead), and sticking her chest out at just the right times. This, my friends, is all you really need to be a successful host of any party. Take a note.

Tats Patridge was also a sight to be seen. All those tattoos really bring that bikini to life and I'm sure she'll never regret them. I also know that this time of year in Vegas is frighteningly cold so it makes total sense that she's wearing that knitted hat while at the pool. This way she won't catch a cold. Since she, clearly, likes things permanently attached to her body I saw we force her to cement that dumb hat do her dumb head. Who's with me? Forget the Doublemint Twins, these two are the DoubleDouche Sisters.

"What's His Face" Makes Funny Face at Paparrazi

Britney, her dad, and her two kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One" all enjoyed a nice dinner the other night in sunny Los Angeles. Speaking of angels, "What's His Face" really let the paparazzi know what he thinks of them by sticking out his tounge, presumably followed by shitting his pants. "The Other One" just kinda hung out there while "What's His Face" pitched an absolute fit while some random lady held him like football.

Regardless, I'm officially on the "Britney Spears Bandwagon" again, but strictly based on the fact that she looks good again. Some people call that "superficial" but I call it "Really Superficial." I mean, I'd still need Britney to take a bath in tub filled with bleach and Pinesol just to make sure she was cleaned up from whatever the hell she did to herself at the beginning of the year, but I'd still play reindeer games with her.


Sunday, September 28, 2008

Heather Locklear Arrested

Heather Locklear, according to People Magazine, has been arrested last night and held in Santa Barbara County jail. As of today she has been released from the slammer-lama-ding-dong and, at this point, no one is talking about why she was arrested. Therefore, I will make the following guesses until the real reason comes out:
  1. Massive littering whilst having mom-face
  2. Public intoxication whilst having mom-face
  3. Jaywalking whilst having mom-face
  4. Trespassing the old set of Melrose Place whilst having mom-face

Please note the above picture is not Heather Locklear's official mugshot, this is just simply creative and future award-winning photoshopping from IBBB. Also, somewhere Denise Richards is high-fiving Irv.

UPDATE: Heather was allegedly arrested for suspicion of driving while under the influence...all whist having mom-face.

UPDATE # 2: Ch-ch-check out Heather Locklear's official mugshot. Were they shooting this through a screen? How come she didn't pose it out like Paris, Lindsay, and Nicole? She could have at least smiled. Rude.


Friday, September 26, 2008

Britney's New Song, Womanizer, Makes the Rounds

Britney was caught rocking a black Halloween fright wig after she shot part of her video for her new single, Womanizer, the other day in LA. I'm not sure if she ripped Rihanna's old wig right off of her head or asked to borrow it, but either way Britney is back in a wig and that's all that matters.

According to US Weekly, while shooting the video Britney sported this wig, tattoos, and would basically dry hump the kitchen counter in the restaurant they were filming the video in and had to make out with a dude in a business suit all while eating cherries. She sounds busy. I hope she wore a hairnet and gloves while Operation Restaurant Humpfest commenced.

Wanna listen to Britney's new song? Well click on the link below and you will be able to enjoy it in all its nasally glory.


Martha Will Try Anything...

Martha Stewart is relentless in her attempt to lure Lindsay Lohan back over to the heterosexual side of life.


This Time Last Year: Brady Bunch Lesbianism

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with the Brady sisters...this time last year...

First off, this is some of my finest photoshopping to date. This, my friends, will win awards. Anyway, bom-chika-bom-bom....Maureen McCormick and Eve Plumb may have played lesbian reindeer games in the 70's. Even more exciting is that Marcia Brady and Jan Brady may have been lesbian 1970 lovers! Hot. I hope Jan kept the black wig on the whole time. Oh and you know that cousin Oliver was all over that shit.

Maureen McCormick has written a new book in which she allegedly talks about her drug use (cocaine) and how she had a crush on Eve Plumb and how that lead to some "lesbian hijinks." I love lesbian hijinks. It's basically the best kind of hijinks there is, next to jihad. While jihad can be considered hijinks, it's in a complete different league then lesbian hijinks.

While Maureen is claiming that she is not a professional muff-diver and/or lesbian, she and Jan may have gotten a little frisky. How come this wasn't on the E! True Hollywood Story? They're going to need to update that STAT. Oh, and you KNOW that Sam the butcher was totally handling the meat when this was going down (insert applause and sympathetic laughter here).
Marcia, coke? Lesbianism? Jan, wigs? Lesbianism? Mike and Carol have a lot of explaining to do.
God bless Sherwood Schwartz, that sick son-of-a-bitch.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

...In Other News...

America's Next Top Model Recap: Isis Gets Snipped

Spoiler Alert! ANTM jumped the shark 10 seasons ago! ANTM recapper, Jenny, has checked in yet again to recap the crap out of last nights America's Next Top Model. Here's what she said went down:

  • The girls show up at Lucky Strike, and are handed bowling high heel shoes by Miss Jay. The bowling alley is their runway. Hannah walks like she is 5 years old and someone just stole all her Barbie dolls.
  • For this week's challenge, the girls will be portraying cat burglars. Personally, I would have had them portray the "Ham Burglar." Winner will appear in Seventeen magazine...(or in my version, the dollar menu), and will get to bring two friends (or two fry guys).
  • Dun dun dun......this is it. There is no photo shoot or panel. The worst walker gets sent.........home..........Walk like your life depends on it ladies. You better act as though Tyra is behind you showing you pictures of herself on repeat.
  • Joslyn wins the competition, and in the next breath Hannah gets sent home. Thank God. That voice makes me want to hurt myself.
  • It's 8:30 and there is no sign of Tyra. I'm getting worried.
  • Richards Simmons, I mean Jay, wakes the girls up for their photo shoot. They are getting into the pool and will be shot from the eyes up (not literally). Every one of you better smile with your eyes. This is Tyra's area of expertise...so you better bring your A game. I don't want to hear Tyra say, "You did this....and you should have done this....do you see what I did there?"
  • Random home videos of Tyra drinking water.
  • Tyra starts up with all the math again, explaining that there are 10 girls here because there was 11 and 1 was sent home. Tyra is legally a genius.
  • Tyra enlightens us on how this photo shoot came to be. She and her friend were talking pictures of themselves on vacation and started snapping themselves from the eyes up. Now if this shoot was a result of a vacation with MY friends and I, the girls would have been posing in a Mexican bar while local bartenders named Flavi pour tequila down their throat while shaking their head and blowing whistles. Wait, what?
  • "Smile with your eyes" count: 4
  • Isis and Samantha are in the bottom two. So who stays? The girl who Tyra thinks was disgusting? Or the girl who Tyra thinks look sleepy? Miss Disgusting gets to stay. Tyra says goodbye to Isis and tells her she is an inspiration to gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders. What about the rest of America Tyra? Also, my spell check always wants to replace transgender with transponder. Good day.

And You Know the Homeless Are Like, "Eh, I'll Pass Thanks"

Heidi and Steve Sanders are continuing on with their "We Help People" press tour. This time around they're scooping mashed potatos and toilet water sundae's (I'd assume) at the Union Rescue Mission House.

I have a question. Why are Heidi and Steve Sanders wearing white gardening gloves WITH plastic gloves over their gardening gloves? They're probably afraid they'll "catch homeless" if they accidentally brush hands with the housing impaired. How come 2 sets of gloves, yet no hairnet? It doesn't matter that these people typially eat out if dumpsters, I'm sure they don't want to choke on Heidi's Barbie hair that's stapled to her head or Steve Sanders Santa pubes that are glued to his face. They've suffered enough. Let them alone.

P.S--> Before you send me hate mail saying I never do anything to help people you'd be right 99% of the time, but I recently donated some cash to Stand Up to Cancer and I did my good deed without a photoshoot. I mean, mainly because no one would want to take my picture, but still....


Lindsay Got a Perm!

Carrot Top looks like he just left the beauty parlor with Midge, Honey, Perl, and Mildred after the girls all got their hair set in rollers and then blown out. They have a big night at the BINGO hall and some new Troll dolls to test out for good luck. B5? Is there a BINGO in the hall?

Seriously, what in the holy F is a matter with this guy? Carrot Stop was photographed leaving Regis and Kelly yesterday and made sure to frighten all those who asked him for his picture. Ironically the Iranian dude in the background holding the red satin purse doesn't seem to be phased by the fact that Carrot Stop is standing there, the paparazzi are flashing their cameras, or that he is actually carrying a red satin purse. Wait, is he signaling jihad? Ok, I think I hit all the major stereotypes I needed to. That'll be all.

Hey Tom Brady! Hope You're Having Fun Not Playing Football and Banging Your Supermodel Girlfriend!

Tom Brady and his supermodel girlfriend, Gisele Bundtcake, were hand in hand walking through the streets of New York City yesterday. As you know, Tom Brady's knee is basically being held together with gum, sugar-water, 3 popsicle sticks, and hope. Therefore, he's out of commission for the entire Patriot's season. Oh don't worry, we're doing fine. Gulp.

Being originally from Boston many people have asked me if I'm pissed at Tom Brady for missing out on the season. Pissed? No. Nervous? Sure. Ready to jump off the bandwagon? Never. Keep in mind the Pats sucked for good 2,054 years before they ever actually got good. Even though Brady doesn't get to play I am still jealous of him as he is still rich and able to bang his supermodel girlfriend on a regular basis now. Brady is still winning in the end, football or no football.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Ohhhh Tyra is Going to be PISSED!

If you don't know by now because you're too busy reading about gas prices, banks closing, businesses filing for Chapter 11, and political bullcrap, Britney Spears will be releasing her new single soon called, "Womanizer." With that comes all sorts of crazy people trying to leak the song and show what the cover will look like. Just wait for it. Who the F cares?! Well, the latest leak was the above cover, but it has now proven to be fake and, more importantly, it's been a rip-off of Tyra Banks from America's Next Top Model. You wanna be on top? Well don't F over Tyra. That's the rule. You totally know that Tyra will find a way to incorporate this into a future episode of ANTM. She'll tell the model girls about how she was a victim of identity theft or some shit.

I wonder what the actual promo cover will look like? I think it would be AWESOME if it was of Britney with the shaved head and umbrella attacking that SUV. She should totally do it. I'm sure she can laugh about it now. No? Not yet? Ok, well give it another year. Maybe for her Christmas album in 2009.

Why is Janet Jackson Dressed Like a Cartoon Spy?

Janet Jackson was with her fauxband, Jermaine Dupri, for his 36th birthday fiesta at TenJune the other day in NYC. There have been many rumors lately that Janet was fat again, but obviously these pictures put those rumors to rest. She's doesn't look fat at all, she just looks stupid. There's a difference. Ok fine, she looks good and looks the same as she did when she was singing Escapade in that Mexican village. I just don't understand the leather gloves. I mean, I'm sure those are the same gloves that daddy Joe Jackson would use on the kids when he felt bad for making them walk outside in the cold to get a switch from the tree, but why would Janet want to wear them and bring back all those memories? Because she liked it, that's why. Good day.


Harriet Carter Wednesday: So This is What the 50's Were Like?

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! This week will conclude IBBB's look back at Harriet Carter of yesteryear. It's been a real treat for me to see what white-trash crap was being sold in the 1950's and, clearly, it was a real treat for you too since crickets were chirping in last weeks comments. Screw it, I like it and I'm sticking to it. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Have you ever been in the shower and found yourself wishing that you could be washing yourself with a carrot? Well of course you did, you whore. Nothing says cleanliness quite like soaping up your dirty-bits with tomato soap and other vegetable goodness. Well for $1.98 you could have been rubbing yourself with all sorts of vegetable soaps because, you know, that makes all kinds of sense. People in the 50's must have been retards because the description alerts you that while these vegetable soaps look luscious, please don't eat them! Oh, and getting things from England must have been all the rage back then because Harriet is bragging that these soaps are from from England. Ooh la la! I guess things haven't really changed that much over the years. When I'm in the shower I love to get head....of lettuce.....and toss in some tomatoes, mushrooms, and make myself a little salad while I'm in there. I'm big into multitasking. While there's shampoo in my hair, I have a salad being prepared on one end and a chicken on the rotisserie on the other end. Sometimes I have to choke the chicken...to death before I put it on the rotisserie. Seriously, I've hit a new low. Damn the Harriet Carter products of yesteryear! Damn them!

Product # 2 - IBBB is proud to introduce to you the very first Failure Model Chick! This "Traveling Wig Rest" looks much more lifelike than the actual Failure Model Chick that we know and love/hate in today's crapalog. Were a lot of people wearing wigs back in the day? And cheap looking wigs to boot! I don't even understand the end of the description. It says, "Made of inflatable tough vinyl, it comes in a gift box that serves as the base. Let out the air, it's purse size." Seriously, what does any of that mean? Do you blow up the head like a pool raft and then hang your dandruffy skank wig on it? Wow, what a real pistol you must me. At least let your husband have some fun with it and cut out a hole in the inflatable mouth. And who cares that it's purse size? Is your wig purse size too? What the hell else do you have in your purse besides a wig and an inflatable head? Yeah, good luck explaining that while you try to pass through security at the airport. I'd freak people out while on the plane by blowing up the inflatable head and placing it on the seat next to me while asking, "Is anyone sitting here?" Thanks, Harriet, for inventing pool rafts.

Product # 3 - As if your dog isn't the biggest bitch in the neighborhood already. As if your dog isn't normal getting dry-humped by every other dog in the neighborhood while it tries to go for a walk. Now you can bitch up your dog even more by simply forcing him to wear this snazzy doggie bonnet from Harriet Carter. I know you can't see what color it is since the crapalog didn't believe in colored ink at the time, but this comes in "holiday red." They call it holiday red, but today it would be called, "slut red" or "streetwalker red." Little Sparky is sure to get his ass kicked all over town when you dress him in this. But wait, it gets better. Somehow this bonnet can be turned into a tasseled beret for the warmer weather. Phew! I was afraid my dog would only be attacked in the winter months, but I feel much better knowing he will have bite marks all over him throughout the year! Even this cartoon dog looks pissed he has to wear this. They could have at least drew a smiley face or something. Perhaps a French mustache and a cigarette coming out of his mouth so that the "tasseled beret" would look a little more authentic. Ole!


Clay Aiken is the Gay

Clay Aiken took to People Magazine to let people know that he is, in fact, gay. Well you could have knocked me over with a feather boa. In other news, water is wet and bullets hurt.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Hills Recap: Even While Lauren's in Italy, Douchebaggery Will Ensue

Similar to the Three's Company episodes where Chrissy Snow would be "visiting her aunt in the mountains" and, therefore, would barely appear in the episode, Lauren Cockring is heading out of the country and the rest of the cast is tasked with carrying the show. Will LOser and Audrina exchange awkward blank stares? Will Heidi's new chin, new boobs, new nose, and new lips get more camera time? Will we be fooled that DouK really wants to date Stephanie Pratt? All of this and much less will be answered. Here's what went down last night on The Hills:

  • LC is peacing out and going to Italy where she was told, by someone, not to pack high-heels. I'm not quite sure who instills that rule, but Lauren is following it like she follows the weekly script. LOser and Audrina hug Lauren and say goodbye and wave goodbye to her about 15 times before she finally drives off. You know the producers are like, "We're having a hard time filling the full 30 minutes, so if you could guys could say goodbye about 10 times and then stand there almost lifelike for an extra 6 seconds that would really help us out."

  • Sandy Sanders stops by LC's house and had to have Audrina buzz her in. Somehow this intercom is synced up to Audrina's phone. Seriously, why is there a code to get in? And you know that Audrina's code is like "1" because she can't remember anything else.

  • Sandy Sanders tells Audrina that she looks so tanned. That tan really makes Audrina's teeth pop! As the song goes, the darker the berry the whiter the teeth. At least I think that's how the song goes.

  • Why is Lauren "phoneless" in Italy. I would believe that if Lauren jumped in a time machine and went to Italy in 1955, but there is something now called, "International Phone Service." All they can do is email her. Email? What did Lauren pack her desktop computer with her? I mean, I pack my Apple IIc with me on all my trips, but that's just so I can always play Oregon Trail no matter where I am. I try not to lose as many oxen as I can, but I always seem to have my wagon robbed while ready to ride my wooden raft on the good old Mississippi. But that's just me. I'm a banker from Boston. That's how I roll.

  • Anycrap, Sandy Sanders informs Audrina that DouK asked her out on a scripted date. She then is seriously puzzled how Lauren would ever find out. Oh, I know, I know! I know the answer to that! Um, you just told her scripted best friend AND you're on a national television show. Again, those cameras, the boom mic over your head...oh, and you're mic'd up. Yeah, all of those things are taking place because you're on a television show. So, my guess is that if Lauren watches her own show she may find out. Just a guess though.

  • Heidi's on the set of her "job" and wearing her Prairie Dawn dress and talking with d-bag Kimberly, who was kind enough to clip back her dirty bangs in this crapisode. She must read IBBB.

  • LOser and Audrina are out having lunch at Fred Segal. What the F is wrong with LOser? She literally has a coke, a lemonade, and a bottle of water on her tray. And then she's like, "I'm soooo thirsty." Yeah, I don't know how any of this works, but I'm pretty sure you can get a yeast infection from drinking those three things all at the same time. Kids, ask your parents how you get a yeast infection.

  • Audrina's aviator sunglasses are falling off her face and she needs to fix them about 15 times. I think the power of her teeth are pulling the glasses off her nose and towards her mouth. Her chicklets are like magnets!

  • The two discuss Sandy Sanders and DouK going out on a date. LOser has a scripted heart attack over the situation and Audrina asks why someone would want "sloppy seconds." Right, Audrina, who would want sloppy seconds? Like for example, who would want to go out with someone who was technically on a date with you and then was caught kissing some other chick and then was caught grabbing this other chicks boobs while leaving the club? Who would want that? Oh that's right, you did. You did when Justin Bobby did all those things. So don't use big words like "sloppy seconds" if you don't know what they mean. P.S fix those damn sunglasses.

  • Uh-oh, Audrina and LOser put on their best ice-skating costumes and headed out to GOA. What do you know, Heidi and Steve Sanders are there too and sitting directly behind them. We haven't seen a scripted setup like this since LC and J Wahl were at Ketchup when Steve Sanders and Heidi walked in. What a treat.

  • LOser looks visibly terrified. She just sits there with this look on her face like she just did #2 in her pants and she doesn't know what to do about it. Heidi and Audrina shoot the shit and LOser looks scared shitless. If my TV was scratch and sniff you totally know this scene would smell like poop from LOser's pants. I end up farting and yelling at my TV that LOser did it. I must self-entertain whilst watching. Heidi invites Audrina and J Bob to go to that retarded skateboarding event that Heidi is "working" at tomorrow. Oh, if Lauren knew what was going on right now she'd have Audrina in a headlock.

  • At the X Games event Heidi and Steve Sanders are taking pictures of themselves that are totally going on Myspace. Audrina and Justin Bobby arrive and J Bob looks like he's slept in a dumpster and stole clothes from the homeless man he slept with in said dumpster. Audrina suggests that she and Heidi get lunch, just the two of them. Lauren's ears must be ringing like the phone she doesn't have.

  • Ugh. The "date" starts with DouK and Sandy Sanders. She's a real pistol. She sits her fat ass in the chair and is like, "Ugh, what's going on in your life." Then she asks about Brody and Lauren. Blah blah blah. DouK then scriptedly wants to bang Sandy Sanders because he asks her what's she doing after this scripted date. Uh, yeah, DouK totally looks like he wants to bang her. He'd been squinting and shaking and saying, "Is it in yet? Are we done now?" OH MY GOD......so what porn set did Brody's mom just walk off of? No joke, Brody's mom just showed up at the restaurant and says hello to Sandy Sanders and DouK. I LOVE THIS. Brody's mom shares the same 1984 facelift as her ex-husband Bruce Jenner. They must have got a 2-for-1 back in the day. I feel like the Solid Gold theme song must be playing wherever his mom walks.

  • Audrina and Chiara (her co-worker) are chatting outside at work. Does Chiara know that she's on a television show? I get more dressed up to watch The Hills and there aren't cameras around me. Chiara's hair is a fright wig and she looks as pale as a ghost. Sitting next to Audrina it's like Ebony and Ivory.

  • Du du duuuuuuun, Lauren is back from "Italy." She was gone for about 2 days and claims she saw all that Italy has to offer. She's the worst. Oh, it gets worse. She then says Italy is like one big "construction site" and all the guys whistle at you like they're construction workers. This is simply wonderful marketing on Lauren's part. I'm sure Italy is now dying to buy her new ghetto clothing line. She's such a douche, really. Who says that. Yeah, I'm sure every guy was whistling at her. One homeless dude on the street probably asked her for spare change and she was in a huff thinking he was hitting on her. Ole!

  • It's official. Audrina and LOser are 100% terrified of LC. They try to tell her that they ran into Heidi and Steve Sanders at GOA and they're basically shaking while they tell her. And then Audrina goes, "oh, and we said 'hi.'" Yeah, you said more than "hi." You had a full on conversation. Lauren is now about a 4 on the "Pissed-o-Meter."

  • Then Audrina tells LC that she and J Bob met up with Heidi and Steve Sanders just last night. She follows her statement by saying "surprise!" LOser immediately turns on Audrina and tells LC that it's very shocking. At this point, LC is now registering at a 6 on the "Pissed-o-Meter."

  • Audrina then tells LC that Sandy Sanders came over to ask her if she should go on a date with DouK. Well, LC just hit tilt on the "Pissed-O-Meter." Both LOser and Audrina will be sleeping in the guest house tonight!

  • Later that night (in "Hills time," so that probably means 3 months later) Brody and LC went to grab dinner and Brody tells LC that DouK and Sandy Sanders went out for dinner together. Brody spills the scripted beans that his mom called Brody to tell him and Brody said to his mom, "come again?" Yeah, I'm sure Brody's mom heard that line once or twice before.....earlier that day, I'm assuming, when she was on the porn set.

  • Oh, poor Lauren. Sandy Sander betrayed her. Has Lauren lost ANOTHER friend? Forget Paris Hilton's new show about finding a new BFF, give the people who are eliminated to Lauren.

So, next week, I could hardly careless about the Sandy Sanders/DouK thing. After seeing the previews I am beside myself with excitement because Heidi's mom, Darlene, is in town and then does this horrifically ugly cry why she and Heidi are at lunch. I can't wait. Oh, I hope she brought Heidi's horse from Crested Butte! That equals world implosion!

Jodie Sweetin's Reality Show: Jesus Claus Has Answered My Prayers!

Dust off the meth on Mr Bear because Jodie Sweetin and her husband, Cody, are in the process of filming their very own reality show. I've prayed to both Jesus Claus and Santa Christ that this reality show would, in fact, happen and it looks like we are so close to seeing it. The only minor problem is that a network hasn't picked it up yet. Network schmetwork. Put it on YouTube and I'll still recap the ever loving piss out of it.

According to Stephanie Tanner the show will follow Jodie, her husband, and their new baby. Sounds riveting. However, then Jodie really put the nail in the coffin when she said that her new show was kind of like "Tori and Dean" but with a little more rock and roll. Ugh. More rock and roll than Tori and Dean? Doubtful. Perhaps Jodie hasn't seen Tori and Dean's music video?

While Jodie is in talks with "many" networks, she did namedrop VH1 as one of them. Please just don't let it be the Hallmark Channel. I made a personal vow to myself to never turn it on.

Hopefully this show will also show Stephanie Judith Tanner dressing up, again, as Connie Chung and dropping the "how rude" bomb every 4 minutes. Also, any way to incorporate Mr Bear, Gia, Gia's makeout party, and possibly "The Jess Man" into the show will surely win it an Emmy next year. I. Can't. Wait. To. Recap. This. Show. I am a complete loser and I love it.

Looks Like Someone is Camera Ready to Be Tossed Down a Flight of Stairs by Ray Pruit!

I know I'm going to get crap for this, but I think Tori Spelling is looking good. Ok, I must confess something. Who reads the book The Secret? Me too. So they say you should put positivity out there then you can get things you want in return. I want Donna Martin back, ok. I said it. I want Donna Martin back in the new 90210. I want more Donna Martin graduates. I want more Donna Martin getting tossed down a flight of stairs by Ray Pruit. I want more Donna Martin in sexy lingerie with red hair whilst laying on the bed waiting to give it up to David Silver. I want more Donna Martin catching her mom having an affair. I want more Donna Martin wearing crazy prom outfits that don't allow her to sit down. There are all the things I want. So, I'm putting positive Tori Spelling vibes out there so that this happens. We'll see if it works. Scratch that. We'll see WHEN it works.

Anymartin, Tori Spelling and her husband spent a little time on rojo carpet at the TV Guide Emmy Afterparty. I'm not sure why there are half-dead flowers on the ground behind her, but I'll let that slide. Although, I'm almost certain that flowers do fall out of Tori's vaginastein. Uh-oh, that doesn't hurt her chances of coming back to 90210 does it? Drat.