Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Fall Into New Crap!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday you crack whores! Oh, have you ALL read my Chelsea Handler Interview?? Ok, moving on. I'm as excited as an Olsen in heat because there are finally some new Harriet Carter products for me to review. And, with the products I've found this week it's like Christmas morning. I wanted to add all the new products, but must pace myself so I don't have Carter overload. This week Harriet basically gives me a kiss with the first product, helps women to pick up their rack, and keeps you warm and penislike this winter. Let's go!Product # 1 - Honestly. Really. No, I'm serious. It's almost like I don't have to say anything. I could have just posted this picture and continued on with my day. Seriously? It's Failure Model Chick holding up a blanket that says "Dogs" on it! There are two things I know for certain. 1. Harriet and her head people in charge totally made FMC model this so for me. I just know it. 2. You totally know that as FMC was holding up the dog blanket she was thinking, "IBBB is totally going to tee off on me for this." I don't care, I know she must read this site. Well, I hope she does. Anyway, if you read IBBB you know that I LOVE FMC and I love dogs. The thought of combining these two things almost gave me a stroke (and not the good kind). This dog blanket doesn't even make sense. It barely rhymes. I hardly even understand what it means. Here are a few excerpts: "Woofs and Barks They Enjoy, For Them the Kitchen Never Closes." Ok, fine it rhymes with the word "noses" above that, but still. What the hell do they mean "the kitchen never closes!?" Who's kitchen closes? Does this dog work in a deli? Then, towards the end you know they totally just completely gave up and barely decided to make it rhyme at all. It says: "Loyal Companions and Faithful Friends, Give Us Handshakes of a Paw, I Could Not Find a Better Friend." Wait what!? That's it, I'm making a blanket for Failure Model Chick that's about her. It'll go something like this:

Oh Failure Model Chick You Are a Trooper,

Without a Doubt, You Take it in the Pooper

Your Friendly Smile and Witch Like Eyebrows,

Makes Me Think You Like to Bang Cows

I'll Always Want You in Harriet Carter

And Say Hello to Harriet Carter

There. I think that's a nice poem that makes as much sense as the dog poem. Now, feel free to write a poem of your own. I'd love to hear it. Thanks, Harriet, for my early Christmas gift.

Product # 2 - Hey there knockers! Like Harriet Carter herself, is your rack wrapped around your waist? Or worse yet, are your knockers tucked into your socks? Do you want them lifted? How about pointing skyward? Do you want to poke your friends in the eyes with them? If you've answered "I don't care" to any of these questions, well, do we have the product for you! Introducing the "Chic Shaper" or as I like to call it the, "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out....Lifter." I don't think this "shapes" as much as it "lifts." There's a difference. And look at the chick in the top right corner? She's like, "Yeah this is my rack. Jealous?" It appears that you basically just flop your Honky Tonks into this contraption and instantly your boobs are pointing out constellations in the sky. Look Mom, there's the Big Dipper! Oh, and there is, by no means, any way in hell that this is what this lady really looks like in the "before" picture. They probably dug up Harriet's rotting body and propped her up like Weekend at Bernie's with string and duct tape and then took the picture. Of course, they probably placed oranges in her bra. I mean, she may be dead, but she's should still be propped up with pride and grace. Just a guess. Thanks, Harriet, for bringing boobs to a whole new level. Boobs.

Product # 3 - Hey guys. Have you ever wanted to look more like a penis, but wasn't really sure what that would entail? Like tens of other men you're not alone. Do you shave your head? Lift your shoulders? Lower your chin? Well you're not a caveman! Now all you need to do is buy this handy dandy "face hat" from Harriet Carter. Presto! Instant penis head! This is a great stocking stuffer for any pedophiles you have on your Christmas list this year. Oh, and you pedophiles know who you are. Let me also ask a question. Where are you going that it's this cold? Pussy. Suck it up. Ohhhh don't let the cold wind hurt my hair. If you're going to wear it skiing, that's fine, but perhaps this guy should be standing in front of a snow scene or, I don't know, a ski lift or something. That's why I'm convinced that Harriet Carter is marketing this specifically to burglars. It makes total sense. You can still see, but no one can tell any of the features of your face. If someone sees you and reports it to the cops they'll basically just explain that a giant penis robbed them. You're as good as free if you wear this whilst burglarizing your shit bag neighborhood. Thanks for the tip, Harriet! You are officially an accomplice.


Driving in reverse said...

Let me think now........ yes the Germans where the original makers of this type bra. They called them, are you ready????


How's that your funnyness?

kasey said...

This installment was like the Harriet Carter Wednesdays of yore

Gourry said...

I want that mask so I can be a ninja!

Anonymous said...

A witty young guy wrote a blog
bout a failed model chick and a dog (blanket)
His celebrity stalking
will ensure fame comes knocking
with maybe an Olsen to snog.

cnap786 said...

"does this dog work in a deli?" hahahaha

we know that FMC's kitchen never closes (along with her legs) for chef mario or chef will