Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Harriet Carter Wednesday: So This is What the 50's Were Like?

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! This week will conclude IBBB's look back at Harriet Carter of yesteryear. It's been a real treat for me to see what white-trash crap was being sold in the 1950's and, clearly, it was a real treat for you too since crickets were chirping in last weeks comments. Screw it, I like it and I'm sticking to it. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Have you ever been in the shower and found yourself wishing that you could be washing yourself with a carrot? Well of course you did, you whore. Nothing says cleanliness quite like soaping up your dirty-bits with tomato soap and other vegetable goodness. Well for $1.98 you could have been rubbing yourself with all sorts of vegetable soaps because, you know, that makes all kinds of sense. People in the 50's must have been retards because the description alerts you that while these vegetable soaps look luscious, please don't eat them! Oh, and getting things from England must have been all the rage back then because Harriet is bragging that these soaps are from from England. Ooh la la! I guess things haven't really changed that much over the years. When I'm in the shower I love to get head....of lettuce.....and toss in some tomatoes, mushrooms, and make myself a little salad while I'm in there. I'm big into multitasking. While there's shampoo in my hair, I have a salad being prepared on one end and a chicken on the rotisserie on the other end. Sometimes I have to choke the death before I put it on the rotisserie. Seriously, I've hit a new low. Damn the Harriet Carter products of yesteryear! Damn them!

Product # 2 - IBBB is proud to introduce to you the very first Failure Model Chick! This "Traveling Wig Rest" looks much more lifelike than the actual Failure Model Chick that we know and love/hate in today's crapalog. Were a lot of people wearing wigs back in the day? And cheap looking wigs to boot! I don't even understand the end of the description. It says, "Made of inflatable tough vinyl, it comes in a gift box that serves as the base. Let out the air, it's purse size." Seriously, what does any of that mean? Do you blow up the head like a pool raft and then hang your dandruffy skank wig on it? Wow, what a real pistol you must me. At least let your husband have some fun with it and cut out a hole in the inflatable mouth. And who cares that it's purse size? Is your wig purse size too? What the hell else do you have in your purse besides a wig and an inflatable head? Yeah, good luck explaining that while you try to pass through security at the airport. I'd freak people out while on the plane by blowing up the inflatable head and placing it on the seat next to me while asking, "Is anyone sitting here?" Thanks, Harriet, for inventing pool rafts.

Product # 3 - As if your dog isn't the biggest bitch in the neighborhood already. As if your dog isn't normal getting dry-humped by every other dog in the neighborhood while it tries to go for a walk. Now you can bitch up your dog even more by simply forcing him to wear this snazzy doggie bonnet from Harriet Carter. I know you can't see what color it is since the crapalog didn't believe in colored ink at the time, but this comes in "holiday red." They call it holiday red, but today it would be called, "slut red" or "streetwalker red." Little Sparky is sure to get his ass kicked all over town when you dress him in this. But wait, it gets better. Somehow this bonnet can be turned into a tasseled beret for the warmer weather. Phew! I was afraid my dog would only be attacked in the winter months, but I feel much better knowing he will have bite marks all over him throughout the year! Even this cartoon dog looks pissed he has to wear this. They could have at least drew a smiley face or something. Perhaps a French mustache and a cigarette coming out of his mouth so that the "tasseled beret" would look a little more authentic. Ole!


Anonymous said...

I like it

Michele said...

Hahahaa! I love your blog, I look forward to reading it instead of working every morning! I love Harriet Carter Wednesday and the ones from the 50's have been especially funny!

Jess said...

Hahahaha, omg. Can I just say that you are by far the funniest f'in person ever?! The first two products that you wrote about had me laughing so hard I was crying. No blog can even compete with yours!

Anonymous said...

I send this to all my friends becasue you are hilarious! Thanks for the yesteryear products. MORE! MORE! MORE!

Kim said...

I can't believe you didn't address the fact that the vegetable soap basket will "permanently" adorn your bathroom sink or vanette (whatever that is). Will it cement itself to any surface thus causing you to have to have it professionally removed?

PS - love your site! My co-workers and I always look forward to Harriet Carter Wednesday.