Tuesday, September 09, 2008

The Hills Recap: Lauren Cries Ugly

Ok so it finally hit me. Finally. I was watching The Hills and kept on trying to figure out who HOlly Montag reminded me of. Of course! The answer was with me the whole time! She is totally Ethel Mertz from I Love Lucy. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Anymertz, here's what went down on the latest crapisode of The Hills....BUT FIRST, (a little plug) don't forget to check out IBBB's Chelsea Handler Interview!. Now, back to The Hills....
  • Phew! Brody was never in jail. He and DouK were just in Hotel Lobby Jail just as I had predicted. Some drunk dude supposedly punched DouK in the chest (although he started to say stomach) and then Brody and DouK spent 5 hours pressing charges. Please. You know the guy just probably asked them for a picture and then they pressed charges. Douches.
  • Aww The Douche Bag Bunch are packing up and leaving Vegas and Audrina wants to "have a talk" with Lauren.....not now, but later. Why do I think that this "unscripted" conversation will take place the last 3 minutes of the episode?
  • Gross. Why do we need to see a shot of HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag painting her toes? I'd rather see the inside of Heidi's horse's asshole that lives in Crested Butte. Eh, they're both basically the same thing.
  • Seriously, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is the worst actress. It's like she's a robot. She's like. H-o-w a-r-e y-o-u-d-o-i-n-g. I'm waiting her for to be like, "oil can" out of the side of her mouth.
  • Steve Sanders finally (in 2 seconds of him arriving) tells HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag that he and Heidi want her to move out. HEMM stands up and says, "fine, I'm out right now" and she just grabs her purse and leaves. Um, don't you have any clothes to pack or did you really just show up at Casa de Chin with the clothes on your back and your nail polish? Either way, adios. Take care. Brush the horse for me when you get back to The Butte.
  • When HEMM leaves, Steve Sanders does this weird shaking thing with his hands. I'm pretty sure that hand movement allows his white beard to grow and extra inch each time he does it. Well, it's either that or it allows his balls to drop. It's 50/50 at this point.
  • Lauren shows up to "work" at Pubic Revolution like she just finished filming a marathon gang-bang video. Of course, they immediately start talking about Lauren. Blah blah blah I need to talk to Audrina.....blah blah blah make these jeans look worn.
  • Justin Bobby is a real stand up kind of guy. Whilst out at a dinner in which you cook your food at your table (lame), J Bob tells Audrina that if she ever needs anything or a place to stay while the stuff with Lauren goes down, he's there for her. For some of you newer kids, let me translate that for you. He's letting Audrina know that he's available for "mustache rides" morning, noon, and night. And then morning again. And then noon. Oh, and then night. Oh, and a dirty sanchez is negotiable. Justin Bobby's a helper.
  • Did anyone see the dude in the background during their conversation keep looking at their table? That would have totally been me in the background, except I would have been yelling over to their table, "What? Can you guys talk louder? I can barely eavesdrop on your conversation when you're talking at a regular level and I'm all the way over here. Thanks!"
  • Ok, so I'm over the whole "MTV edits the crap out of this show." I really am. It's known. I'm fine with it. Let's move on. But before me move on, let's discuss the scene where LC and Whitney are "working" at Pubic Revolution and Audrina just happens to text message LC. When LC tells Whitney that Audrina text messaged her, Whitney's head is up at attention. Then when they show LC again, Whitney's head is all the way back down writing something. Then it's back up. And then it's back at that starting position again. It's really so bad, it's actually kind of funny. Funny, like clubbing baby seals is funny. You don't want to laugh, but you're like whoa that seal just got hit on the head like a cartoon. Next time you watch it, look for it. It's weird. That'll be all. Class dismissed.
  • Kelly CUNTrone lets Whitney style Lady Gaga at Area that night and Lauren gets to be Whitney's bitch. You know that killed Lauren, except the fact that Lauren knows she makes more money than Whitney. Oh and Lady Gaga? Seriously? Worst ever.
  • The scene where Heidi gets home and is looking for HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag at the apartment and Steve Sanders and her fight is so staged I can't even take it. I think it pisses me off because it's stupidly staged. Like who cares if HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag lives there or not? Who cares if Heidi and Steve Sanders are fighting over it? It's all pointless. Stage something good. Stage something like Heidi choking Steve Sanders or Heidi getting pregnant or something. Don't stage a pointless fight over crap that no one cares about.
  • LOser is a retard. Fill in the blank with the rest.
  • So, uh, Whitney got to style Lady Gaga. So, is Whitney to blame for Lady Gaga looking like a complete horses ass? Lady Gaga's fat ass almost breaks the zipper, but Lauren comes to the rescue and fixes it. Thank God she was there or this situation really could have gotten out of hand. Hell, Area probably would have had to file for Chapter 11 and close its doors for good.
  • When HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag and Heidi are talking about their issues they keep jumping from HEEM to Heidi and then back from Heidi to HEMM. It's like a constant "before and after." This is what Heidi looked like before and this is what Heidi looks like now. The two douche-bag sisters say I love you, hug it out, and all is well with the world. Their fake blond hair combine and I feel a sense of inner peace.
  • Ok, so the moment we've all been waiting for (or not really). And I was right, Audrina and LC are having their "talk" with about 4 minutes left in the show.
  • Lauren thinks she's been trying to talk to Audrina and Audrina thinks she's been trying to talk to Lauren. Sweet, here comes the tears! You know the producer is standing in the background and holding up pictures of Lauren's parents with ropes around their neck and her family dog in a headlock just to get those tears steaming down her face. It's working! It's working!
  • LC is pissed that Audrina never asks her to hang out and Audrina says that LC doesn't like to do anything Audrina does (i.e Justin Bobby mustache rides). Oh crap, now Audrina is starting to cry. Amazingly enough when she starts to cry her upper lip gets even smaller. Didn't think it was possible, but apparently it is.
  • Lauren is right about one thing. She's lost another friend. I think she should be having that "Be My BFF" show, not Paris Hilton.
  • Audrina doesn't want Lauren to focus on the past and they both need to start fresh. Audrina, with tears in her dead eyes, says that it's like everyone doesn't want them to be friends. No, Audrina, not everyone...just me. I don't want you two to be friends. However, don't do this for me, do this for you. I now think you guys should be friends because, let's face it, this story line blows.
  • Lauren begs for the friendship back to which Audrina replies, "Ok let's just do it." Yeah, that's something you say when you're drunk and someone says, "Let's go skinny dipping" or "Let's get a tattoo." You don't really say that when someone says "Let's be friends again."
  • Well Lauren and Audrina hug it out and they are friends again. Sleep well America, another crisis diverted!

Now don't forget to check out IBBB's Chelsea Handler interview!. Leave some comments, pass it on to your friends, print it out and frame it and maybe, just maybe, I'll get to do more of these in the future.



Anonymous said...

OMG...there are some awesome new products in HC! Check out FMC!

Anonymous said...

LOVE the recap! OK, but can I say again what a bitch Lauren is? Did you catch her little comment when she and Audrina were "talking it out?" She's like "I try to be your friend, I go to those weird shows and nod my head because I'm your friend!" I mean... she's the queen of the quick cut...she just threw that one in there, basically calling Audrina a weirdo freak for going to shows. DIE LAUREN DIE!

Anonymous said...

Oh whatever! how is lauren the bitch? She's right hello audrina is werid and they don't have anything in common but she loves audrina and tries to be involved in her life. How is that being a bitch? I'm personally sick of listening to audrina complain about lauren not being her friend when it seems like lauren is trying I agree with brody audrina needs to get the f*ck out of lc's house.

Anonymous said...

anyone care to comment on how heidi and spencer have all of their serious relationship conversations in spencer's car? and the scene always ends with him speeding away. they definitely have a tape of him peeling off that set saved. and could they have been any ruder with their dinner plans the second her sister arrived? assholes. im so sick of them. i hope holly and lauren become best friends..which im sure they well, they need material for season 5.

Missy F said...

Did any of you guys notice that the cat, from like 2 seasons ago, showed up in the background when Lauren and Audrina were having their talk?? Where in the hell has that cat been????????

melissa said...

I too, kept looking at Holly thinking she looked EXACTLY like someone from television. I know I never would have thought of Ethel, but is that who I was thinking of? you really nailed that one. I am incredibly impressed. Screw Handler's people....Topanga never would have put those two together. VIVA LA PANEL!!! Keep fighing for it. They put some real UNFUNNY Dbags on that show.

You've got some serious intestinal fortitude to keep pumping out these great reviews after such lackluster shows. I missed last weeks and fell asleep for the second half of this weeks one....That NEVER Happens.

Corey g said...

When are the producers going to acknowledge that they know Speidi's storylines are totally made up? I mean I know the other ones are probably made up too,but I'm sure the producers are behind the LC storylines and Heidi and Spencer are left to their own devices for the past two seasons. nobody gives a damn that Holly is there and they are fighting over it. *yawn* Get off my show you twats.

Jeannette said...

i seriously thought that when spencer looked back after heidi was walking behind the car and he started to accelerate...I thought he was going to hit her... but he didn't....it didn't happen, that would have been such a great scene

Anonymous said...

this show is getting worse and more desparate each season. That "jail" scenario was insulting even for regular hills viewers.

Anonymous said...

Haha. I love your recaps. I just wanted to point out a small thing you forgot. Did anyone noticed that when LC and LOser was sitting on LOser's bed and talking about that LC needs to talk with Audrina, LOser was checking out Facebook?? Ha, as anyone will poke her anyways..