Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Hills Recap: Nothing Happens. No Really, Nothing. Well, Actually, There Was an Old Lady Eating a Salad in the Background in One Scene.




  • Does anyone else feel like The Hills commercials that we see are basically the entire episode itself? The rest of what we see on Monday night is just boring filler. HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag tells Steve Sanders and Heidi that she may want to see Lauren and we are all shocked that Steve Sanders isn't cool with that idea. In fact, he tells her that while she's living under his roof there will be no hanging out with Lauren Conrad. This got me to thinking, Steve Sanders would be a horrible father. No really, he would. Terrible. He and Heidi as parents would probably get their kids taken away. They are both terrible horrific people.

  • Just like every crapisode this season, we start with LC and Whitney sitting together face-to-face at "work." At one point I'm pretty sure Whitney asks Lauren what kind of book that is and LC says it's just a work book. I have no idea. What a surprise, LC gets a text message from HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag and Whitney has to sit there and pretend she cares who it's from. HEMM wants to get together with Lauren and, of course, she is all nervous about seeing her because she is the sister of Heidi, her enemy. Oh Lauren, you have so many huge life altering problems in your life. Oh, and by the way, Lehman Brothers basically exploded yesterday and disappeared, gas prices are about $50.45 a gallon, and Tina Turner's ex-husband Ike just beat the ever loving piss out of Texas. So, yeah, meeting HOlly for coffee should be a big deal.

  • Audrina is actually being filmed at work at her cubicle, which not only is actually decorated with posters, but she also has a legit boombox on her desk too. The MTV props department spares no expense.

  • Hmmm, where have I seen this seen before. Audrina goes into her bosses office who is acting eerily like Lisa Loveless. She's all business talking about Audrina being her "right-hand man" during a White Tie Affair show. Audrina even gives the same blank stares that Whitney would give Lisa Loveless. At this point, the only difference between Audrina and Whitney? Teeth. Big white huge teeth. Blinding teeth. Beaver teeth. Big white huge blinding beaver teeth. Haha, beaver.

  • HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag meets up with Lauren for coffee and Lauren tells HEEM how pretty she looks, even though technically LC wasn't looking at her while she was saying it. They, of course, talk about lame Heidi and retarded Steve Sanders. Blah blah blah....HEEM has bug lights hanging off her ears....blah blah blah they have eachothers phone numbers now....blah blah blah. I was more interested in the old lady in the background with the thick eye glasses eating her salad and looking outside. Give her some lines. Hell, give her her own show because this one sucks.

  • Audrina and J Bob are out for dinner and Justin Bobby tells Audrina he likes her dress, to which Audrina (and her teeth) tell him it's really a skirt. And then she sorta lifts up the skirt and pulls it down at the waist all at the same time. So basically she's like, "So, J Bob, this is my vagina. Remember that? Perhaps if you splurge for the chocolate molten lava cake for dessert I'll let you see it again. Hell, if you basically let me get croutons on my salad I'll show it to you again."

  • Audrina invites LC to the White Tie Affair show and after party. LC says she'll go, but the look on her face makes it seem like Audrina asked her to go to Iraq with her and fight in the war. I believe it's at this exact moment that you can actually see it in Lauren's eyes that she realizes she's making $75,000 an episode to deal with this. Suddenly going to the show doesn't seem so bad.

  • Yowza. That's all I have to say about the White Tie show. They're not that bad, but watching Audrina and her boss jump around to the music makes me so embarrassed that I want to deny my US citizenship. Ugh, then Lauren tells Audrina that the band is really good....kinda like how you tell a 4 year old that their drawing of a firetruck is really good....even though you didn't really know it was supposed to be a firetruck.....and that 4 year old who's drawing it probably really isn't your kid anyway....and you're just waiting for the DNA results to come back in....or a response from the producers of Maury letting you know if you made the show or not. Kinda like that.

  • Justin Bobby never made it to the show, even though Audrina showed him her vaginastein at dinner the night before. LOser officially had no lines in this scene, which is good for us, although she did appear to look douche like and make faces like a true douche. Thanks LOser, please collect your check on the way out.

  • Meanwhile back at Casa de Chin, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag and Heidi are having a talk about HEEM and LC going out for lunch. Heidi is dressed in a beret and such huge purple hoop earings that I'm waiting for Tweety Bird to perch himself onto one of them and just sit there and swing. Hopefully he'll take a bird dump on her shoulder. Anyway, Heidi continues to use her favorite buzzwords this season: you're my sister, you're by best friend, loyalty. HEEM tells Heidi that she can tell that LC misses her. Yeah, kinda like how you miss your Herpes between outbreaks. Just saying.

  • Back at the White Tie after party, Sandy Sanders is grossly flirting with some dude from the band. She asks him if he was a rebel growing up and then she whispers to him that she "secretly" used to have her tongue pierced. Well, looks like the secret is out because there are about 4 cameras around you, and you're wearing a microphone, and there's a boom over your head, and you're on a television show called, "The Hills." It airs Monday's at 10 EST. Seen it?

  • Poor Heidi. She has no friends. She's at Toast having breakfast with her work events coordinator, Kimberly. Heidi is telling Kimberly that she basically misses Lauren and hopes that "Holly will peace everything out." Use your words, Heidi, use your words.

  • Meanwhile back at "school" Sandy Sanders asks LC is seeing HOlly makes her miss Heidi and while LC does "say" yes we actually see her shake her head "no." Looks like the editing machine is acting up again.


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21 comments:

kasey said...

Ok what was that whole 3 musketeers bull about? WHEN were Holly and Lauren friends exactly? I hate how the producers conveniently forget that Lauren's life has been taped since she hit puberty and that we expect to know if she had yet ANOTHER "best friend"!

p.s. i loved when spencer used the word fraternizing.

elaine said...

I thought you would dedicate an entire post to Heidi's birthday and shenanigans or surgery she would be enjoying!!!

Anonymous said...

Dangit, Ike beat the ever-loving piss out of Cincinnati too and we've been without power since Sunday (might be all week). I feel satisfied though. (Yes...in Ohio....complete freak of nature, 76 M/H winds...In Ohio.)

Ok....Im 30, and maybe Im an old fart, but these kids are making up new words and I cant keep up! I heard a youngin' the other day say they were "Peacing out" its become quite the active verb hasn't it?

Shannon said...

You missed the part where LOser asked dead eyes where Justin Bobby was and Lauren called LOser a buzzkill.

Your recaps are a million times better than the show itself. I look forward to reading these more than I do seeing the actual show. MTV should somehow incorporate you into the show or the after show or just give you your own show.

IBBB said...

Yeah, I never knew LC and HOlly were friends. Where there ever any pictures of them anywhere in the real world that we can all see?

Oh, and sorry about the lack of Ike love for Ohio. Looks like Ike lightly bitch slapped you as well.

-IBBB

Anonymous said...

Awesome recap.
You didn't mention Lauren's mysterious moustache though. I couldn't stop staring at it the entire show? Am I the only one??

Anonymous said...

I SAW LAUREN'S MUSTACHE!!!!

IBBB said...

I, sadly, missed her mustache. I think I'm usually either watching her smile with her tongue or, if she's talk with Whitney, I'm trying to figure out of Whitney is actual real or if they're trying to pull that "Weekend at Bernie's" trick with me.

Long live Lauren's mustache! I hope she never shaves it. I bet it tickles when she's playing dirty games. Ok, I'm done.

Gourry said...

Hey! Where is the shot of said old lady eating a salad?!

Old Lady Eating the Salad said...

It's on this link:

http://imbringingbloggingback.blogspot.com/2008/08/meet-holly-montag-no-really.html


Last picture. Looks like she's eating a sandwich and salad on the side.

Anonymous said...

haha like Shannon said, my favorite part was when Lo gets called a buzz kill, I wasn't sure if LC was referring to Lo or JBob as the buzz kill but thanks for clarifying...Lo is such a b*tch, i'm glad LC called her out.

Also wasn't it last episode during the mascara cry-a-thon that LC told Audrina that she HATES going to see random bands and awkwardly bobbing her head...

Ashley said...

IBBB should do a modern "Pop Up Video" but with the Hills instead of cheesy 90s music videos. Does anyone else remember that, or am I just old? I think it would be a hit!

Anonymous said...

OMG her mustache! Watch it again, its basically throughout the ep, but you can really see it in the first scene with LC and Whitney. She's got a serious case of bed head and there's an interesting shadow over her lip...

kasey said...

pop up video is the best. i second that motion.

Trac3 said...

I couldn't take my eyes off Lauren's moustache either. Noticed in the opening scene between Lauren and Whitney, and spent the rest of the episode following it around the screen. Thank god for your recap otherwise I'd have to back and watch it again.

Anonymous said...

Holly was actually the 3rd roomate when LC & Heidi lived together, yet she was not apart of the show. The writing on this show sucks!!!!! 3 Muskateers?? Lame! I hate that every week LC gets a "random" text in front of Whitney when they are "working". It's getting old. And you know that LO asks about JBob in front of Audrina just to be a bitch, she knows he didn't show up. Ughh, this show sucks, but I love it.

robyn said...

I'm surprised you didnt comment on sandy sanders greasy looking pigtail braids at school. i always thought she was ugly (spencer with a wig and makeup) but that last scene in class she looked atrocious! her face looked really f*cked up. oh and when she admitted she 'secretly' had her tongue pierced, mtv had some bad editing, and wrote "secretely" haha. i wonder if in future episodes, she will uncover other secrets, like when she was caught shop lifting at saks fifth avenue, TMZ has the mug shot! LOL...but i agree that nothing really happened in this episode. its like a broken record and can't get over the lauren/heidi feud. oh and how the hell can Holly Ethel Mertz afford to live in LA?! she has no job, unless heidi is giving her cash which i doubt, and yeah just when were lauren and ethel mertz BFF? i thought ethel lived in the crested Butte before her "move" to LA....oh and the look on spencers face that u have posted is hilarious. i paused my tivo and laughed my ass off, those eyes are the deviL!! Anyway, keep up the great work , love reading IBBB, and look forward to it every week!

robyn said...

oh, and kimberly was not sportin' her usual bangs! LOL im gonna have to rewatch the episode to catch lauren's mustache..didnt notice it lol

Anonymous said...

Holly did live with Lauren and Heidi. Im not sure what season though. Lauren and Heidi have both said that in interviews, but that Holly wasn't apart of the show at that time.

Maro said...

LOL. your recaps make my day IBBB!
They are WAY better than the actual show.

"LC says she'll go, but the look on her face makes it seem like Audrina asked her to go to Iraq with her and fight in the war." and

"Yowza. That's all I have to say about the White Tie show. They're not that bad, but watching Audrina and her boss jump around to the music makes me so embarrassed that I want to deny my US citizenship. "
Made me crack up so bad, that I couldn't stop laughing!

Sadly, I missed the mustache too!
Must go and rewatch, if I can bear it the 2nd time round!

Taylor said...

The mustache was present in the episode prior to this as well, if you watch it, its hard to miss in the LC / Whitney ' face to face' when LC comes in dressed like an overweight Olson twin.