Friday, October 31, 2008

...In Other News...

Looks like their multimillion dollar created minds banded together and decided on being firefighters for Halloween.

Happy Halloween to all the IBBB readers out there! I'll be passing out apples with razor blades inside of them, as I love this holiday. Be safe, scare kids, and crap your pants!

In other news....

~ Top 10 Scaretastic Halloween Movies ~ ABH
~ Katie Holmes, For Halloween, is Katie Holmes ~ Websters
~ 10 Celebrities Who Don't Need Halloween Masks ~ CS
~ Is Katie Prices Dressed for Halloween? ~ Ayyyy
~ No Candy for Halloweenie Sex Offenders ~ POTP
~ Gwen Stefani's New Kid ~ PB
~ One Lonely Olsen ~ IDWYL
~ Samantha Rotten's Restaurant Party ~ FB

This Time Last Year: Heidi, the Fugly Mermaid

Happy Halloween and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Heidi and Spencer's Halloween costumes...this time last year...

I wanna be where the chins are. I wanna see, wanna see Heidi dancing. Walking around with those -what do you call 'em? Oh - fake boobs! Flippin your nose, you don't get too far. Talent is required for singing, dancing. Up where she walks, up where she runs. Up where she sells-out all day in the sun. Talent free. Wish I could be, part of her world!

Bonus points if you got any of that. Heidi and Steve Sanders got their Halloween costumes off the rack in the Halloween aisle at Walgreens. I can almost smell the plastic and felt from here and I'm not even talking about Heidi's nose and boobs. Oh! Stop me if you heard this!

Heidi looks simply beautiful with her little mermaid outfit and Steve Sanders looks like the real spiderman! It really is a special day. I mean, Steve Sanders clearly permed his hair for his costume and Heidi clearly washed up on shore for her Halloween costume. The saddest part? At some point these two both looked in the mirror and said, "Perfect. Let's go."

Getting to Know YOU!

Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU! Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingBack. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the past week and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.
  • audrina farts (and stays smiling)

  • midgets and unicorns (Webster riding My Little Pony?)

  • loose sluts (sink ships)

  • "poop in her pants" pleasure (it is a treat)

  • "excuses for a black eye" (I burnt the roast)

  • "sell your sex tape" crystal and john (yeah, you guys should totally sell it)

  • 'bottle on snowmans back' (naturally)

  • bindi sue irwin getting her award (for the biggest little bitch)

  • dr. moore kicked out vagina (where is vagina staying now?)

  • hep c vanilla (it comes in flavors now? i'm holding out for cookies and cream)

  • holiday camel toe (ho ho toe!)

  • i like her to show me her genitals (it's nice when you ask politly)

  • is spencer pratt really steve sanders (to me he is, yes)

  • make tyra fat (she can do it on her on thank you very much)

  • mickey mouse sticking middle finger up (oh no! why mickey? why??)

  • what's wrong with amy winehouse (nothing. she's fine.)

  • where is harriet carter (in my heart)

Because My Niece Loves Grover!

Grover is quite the mover and shaker. It's not every day that I see Grover gracing the pages of Getty Images. My niece loves loves loves Grover. Always has. And I love how she loves him because Grover isn't the most mainstream character that every other kid likes. She does love Elmo, don't get me wrong, but Grover is her best pal. I grew up wanting to be Guy Smiley, so if this is any indication of what she has to look forward to.......

Grover and crew were in NYC at the "Let's Get Ready!" Bilingual Outreach Initiative doing a little self promotion. Awesome!

Happy Halloween Anya!

P.S Screw all of you who are making fun of me for this.

Us Weekly Picks on a Little Girl

Oh sure, Us Weekly calls Suri Cruise "grumpy" and they get millions of readers a day. I call Bindi Irwin a little bitch and I'm the bad guy? That's racist.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

America's Next Top Model Recap: Prostitutes in an Amsterdam Window!

ANTM recapper, Jenny, may be trying to get out of recapping this horrific season of America's Next Top Model, but she's under contract until the end of the year. Nice try. Here's what went down last night when the skanks were in Amsterdam:
  • Time to settle in for another award winning episode of ANTM. That reminds me...hey IBBB, I think it's time for a raise. This 6 cents an hour crap is for the birds. Scratch that...even the birds would tell you to piss off.
  • The girls are greeted by Daphne Deckers, host of ANTM Amsterdam. Everyone curtsey to the queen.
  • The girls have to find their own house...whoever gets there first gets 50 extra frames. This is a total rip off of the Amazing Race. Tyra you can copy that show all you ain't gettin' an Emmy.
  • Side note, my "r" key isn't working correctly and I have to slam it to get an "r" to come out on the screen....further pissing me off.
  • Elina and Sam arrive at the house first, winning the challenge.
  • How clever, Tyra now puts her Tyra Mail in a pair of Dutch shoes. Too predictable...I think it would have been better if she pinned it to some chick's ass cheeks in the Red Light District. Or maybe when they are done reading it, they could roll it up into a joint. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
  • Challenge number 2 has the girls posing in a window in the Red Light District...Red Light Fashion Amsterdam. Winner of this one gets to attend the International Fashion Week...courtesy of the city of Amsterdam. I say the winner of this one gets pimped out (by Tyra) for the remainder of their stay in Amsterdam. Sam and McKey win this one.
  • Meanwhile back at the whorehouse, the girls get into an argument regarding prostitution and whether or not it should be respected. I can't get past the fact that when the girls do their commentary, they are sitting in front of a Windmill blue screen.
  • This week's photo shoot is on a ship. I can't believe none of these girls shouted "I'm the king of the world!" I would have bet 6 pesos on that.
  • It's panel time, and one girl will be packing up her bongs and heading back to the good old U.S. of A....
  • Elina and Sheena are in the bottom two. So who stays? The girl who loves Europe and legalized prostitution? Or the girl who said she doesn't have breast implants, but said she does have breast implants?
  • Elina gets to stay and the other girls look like they want to kill themselves. The truth is, I really want to kill myself as there are 3 more weeks of this. See you when I see you.

So Anyone Watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta?

I don't care, I'll admit it. I may or may not have seen an episode or two of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I'm fine with it. I mean, to me this is like a remake of my old favorite 80's sitcom 227, so I was looking forward to it.
I have two favorites already. One, of course, is NeNe Leakes. You know how in between scenes they show the "show stars" posing with their family or something? Yeah, well NeNe does "air z-snaps." I was hooked. My other favorite, of course, is Kim. No idea what her last name is and it doesn't matter. She's the white one. Actually, scratch that. She's the white one who pretty much looks like she does $2 dollar sucky sucky on the streets of Atlanta. Oh, and she wears what I will now refer to as a "Whores Wig." Isn't she rich? Can't she afford a better haircut? Even in Britney's "crazy days" when she was wearing all sorts of fright-wigs she still looked classier than Kim.

I do love Kim though. She's trying to be a country singer, but I'm pretty sure she's originally form Jersey. Oh, and she drinks and smokes in almost every scene she's in. She's a delight.

Anyrot, NeNe has recently said in an interview that she wants her own reality show, wants to be an actress, and would like to be "the black Lucille Ball." No really, she said that. Well good luck to her.

Anyone out there watching? Discuss.

Newsworthy Statements from Mariah Carey. Thanks US Weekly!

Leave it to US Weekly to get the hard hitting entertainment stories. I am sad to report that as of Thursday, October 30th in the year of 2008, Mariah Carey and her husband are still undecided on a Halloween costume. I know. Give me a minute to pick up the pieces of my shattered existence. Although there is a glowing light at the end of this dark tunnel. You see, Mariah and Nick are considering being either sexy firefighters, Egyptians, or chocolate chip cookies. What wonderful choices. How 'bout Mariah just goes as something really her actual age. Ohhhh! Stop me if ya heard it before! Tip your waitress. Try the veal! End scene.

Ugh. As if The View Couldn't Get Worse!

I mean it doesn't get any better than the women of The View dressed up as dead men. What a real treat this will be for the viewers on Friday when this crapisode airs. I know when you see a penny you're supposed to pick it up, but good luck with Sherri Shepard's body dangling from it. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is supposed to be Ronald Regan, but she looks more like a sissy Regis.

Finally, even good old Barbara Walter got all dressed up as one of the ex-presidents (Washington?), but that seems kind of pointless as she could have just dressed up as herself....the wife of George Washington. Good day.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

...In Other News...

The Olsen's Sign Copies of "I'm the Cute One" in New York City

Oh, no? That's not what they were signing? Well thank Jesus Claus I didn't end up calling in sick from work to go see The Olsen's because I almost considered it. My friend thankfully alerted me that both Olsen Sluts were going to hold a public signing at Barnes and Noble in NYC and I just assumed it was a signing of their old single, "I'm the Cute One," but it wasn't. They were signing copies of their new coffee table book, "Influence." How old are these two now? Are they signing with crayons?

Then to make matters worse, PETA was outside of the book signing not only protesting The Olsen Sluts, but they also kinda stole my nickname for them. See the picture below? Yeah, that's PETA calling them the Olsen Tramps. I've put a call into my lawyer to see if I have options.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Because Every Day is Like Christmas

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday and too all a good night! It may be the week of Halloween, but I'm already in the white-trash-crappy-useless-products-Christmas-spirit! This week in the Harriet Carter crapalog, Harriet reallllly F's with Nana, makes you uncomfortable under the mistletoe, and reinvents the Christmas tree. I blame gas prices. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Happy 82nd birthday Nana! We got this bottle of your favorite Scotch, as we know you like to kick a few back and then yell obscenities out the front window at the neighbors at 2:00 in the afternoon! Well, folks, nothing f's with Nana's dependency on the bottle quite like a Liquor Puzzle! A Liquor Puzzle you ask? Yes, a Liquor Puzzle. Liquor? I hardly know her! Nana will be squealing with delight while she uses her arthritic fingers to try and get this bottle open. If she clutches her left arm whilst trying to solve the puzzle, feel free to give 911 a quick call because Nana may be close to meeting her maker. I say put this "puzzle lock" on all of Nana's belongings like her pill box, the toilet seat, and her bag of yarn. Watching Nana squirm and fidget is only half the fun. Wait until he completely loses her mind, smashes the bottle up against the wall and drinks the liquor right off the floor mixed in with all the broken glass. Make sure you're camera ready because nothing says "memories" quite like Nana smiling with a mouth full of cuts and blood. I love you Nana! May you live for another 82 days.

Product # 2 - Do you love it when your Mistletoe yells filthy slurs at you while you're kissing your whore? I know I do. I always think, "Hmmm, if only something was yelling at me." Well you are now in luck thanks to the "Nasty Talking Mistletoe." Thanks to two AA batteries, you can hear such scandalous phrases as: "Get a room, why don't ya," and "Mmmm check out THOSE ornaments!" and "Hey, hey...let's see some action down there!!" Wow. I hope this comes with an XXX rating. I'm going to make my own Nasty Mistletoe that will say the following: "Wow I thought we were just going to kiss, but now I see your pussy. I'm talking about your cat." And other holiday favorites like, "Wanna see my balls? I mean my kissing balls? Wanna kiss my balls. Ho ho ho?" And finally my personal favorite, "Santa went down the chimney. You wanna go down my pants and give me hand pleasure? Tis the season!" See, if you add a "Tis the season" in there it doesn't seem so bad. I'm loving a filthy Christmas. Merry Christmas to all and to all a skank-filled night!

Product # 3 - Thanks to me being a Catholic, also known as "the right religion" I get to experience the joy of Christmas, especially since Santa technically gave birth to Jesus. It actually wasn't Mary who did. It was just a misunderstanding. Oh, and that whole "in a manger" scenario was a bit exaggerated. They were just a little ticked off because they didn't get a room with a balcony. Anyway, Christmas has become very ho-hum and really needed a change. So, thanks to the scientists in the Harriet Carter lab they've decided to start selling upside down Christmas trees. I shit you not. The tree is literally put together upside down because, you know, that makes complete sense. But don't fret, white trash customers, you can still hang your ghetto I Love Lucy ornaments and M&M Santa's on the upside down tree. Phew! I was scared for a second because what would you have done if you ended up losing literally 10's of dollars on your complete ornament collection!? Just think of the precious look on your kids faces when they wake up and run downstairs in their pissed stained pajamas and you tell them that Satan (not Santa) F'd with their house on Christmas morning! What joy! You can even kick it up a notch by having your local priest come over and perform and exorcism on the kids right after they open their gifts. I'd tell my kids that they were so bad all year long that Santa said "F*ck the coal in their stockings" and he decided to just flip the god damn tree right the hell over. For an added bonus see how many verses of "Noel" you and the family can sing before the entire tree bursts into flames! Ole!

You Know What? I'm Going to Let This One Write Itself.

Raven Symone ladies and gentlemen.

Paranormal State's Exorcism Makes Me Want to Be a Better Person

So I just finished chiseling the skid marks out of my underwear. Who's watching Paranormal State and, more importantly, who's seen this weeks episode of the chick from Illinois who was possessed and needed an exorcism? Holy hell! I literally was awake for hours after watching Monday nights episode.

So here's the deal. This random 26 year old chick was being literally terrorized basically by Satan himself. She was almost drowned and raped (by a ghost) in her bathtub. She has things written on her. And finally she has convulsions when someone pours holy water on her. Half of these things are filmed.

They say that people can do things that open up evil directly into their lives. Some say it can actually start by getting certain tattoos. This made me think. I don't have any tattoos, but this blog is basically the portal to hell. And now I'm scared to death.

While I'm a dude, I still don't want to get raped in my bathtub by the ghost of Patsy Cline or something. I don't know why I thought of her, but I did. I mean, maybe I'd go to second base with the ghost of Patsy Cline, but I'm not going all the way with her. I joke because I'm terrified.

My favorite Psychic Kids psychic, Chip, was called to the house to see if he could feel or hear anything. Holy crap. Basically every room he went into all he heard was someone yelling obscenities at him. I assume in my case I'll also be haunted by the ghost of Sam Kinison. Being yelled at by Sam Kinison and raped by Patsy Cline is not my idea of a good night.

They then have to call in an actual priest to perform an exorcism on this chick that literally takes hours and hours and hours. The girls voice keeps changing and "the devil" tries to trick them all by pretending she's really just a little girl. The whole time Chip keeps clutching his pearls and is like, "Girrrrrrrl" every two seconds. When Chip loses his cool, so do I.

Can I remind you that all of this is filmed. It was the craziest thing to see. I'm pretty sure I peed twice. I'm kidding. 4 times. Finally the exorcism is over and the next day all is right with the world. You know how at the end they give you a quick update and it's usually like "The family no longer is being visited by ghosts and can rest easy." Yeah, not this time. This time they're literally like, "The girl had a horrible reaction when holy water was poured on her and she has been taken to the hospital." That's it. WHAT!?! No happy ending?!

Well let me tell you I was awake until about 2:30 in the morning thinking I was as good as dead. I didn't want to be awake at 3:00 AM because that's what Chip calls "Dead Time" in which the spirit world is most likely to show themselves to you. No thanks!

Please did anyone else see this episode? I'm scarred for life. I've been saying prayers all day. At one point my cell phone just started beeping (no lie) and I was like, "Chip? Girrrrrrrl!"

So That's Olivia Palermo, But, Uh, That's Not Me Standing Next To Her

Geesh! Olivia Palermo has been my imaginary girlfriend ever since I've seen a clip of her in the new Hills spinoff, "The City" and she's already cheating on me. I bet Whitney's not a cheater. Just sayin'.

Olivia Palermo was at Dylan's Candy Bar on 3rd Ave in NYC the other day. I'm not sure why she was there or why people were taking pictures, but I'm totally pissed that she didn't ask me to go and she hasn't even reached out to greet me yet. A couple of more disses like this from her, I may not be so nice to her when I recap the absolute piss out of The City when it premieres soon. I mean, I may have to make fun of her anorexic legs. What? I said, "I may" I didn't say I definitely was going to.

Clean it up, Olivia, or we may have to end our fauxlationship.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Hills Recap: Brandy Adds Color to the Cast

Remember how much you loved playing Super Mario Brothers and you would play all the time and you were so excited when Super Mario Brothers 2 came out in stores and you would call Toys R Us 20 times per day seeing if they had it in yet and they were always sold out and after weeks you finally got Super Mario Brothers 2 and started to play it and you didn't love it because it was so different than Super Mario Brothers 1, but you played it anyway and realized the only real good thing about it was that you could pick up turnips from the ground and throw them, but you kept wishing for Super Mario Brothers 3 to come out and you prayed that it was more like Super Mario Brothers 1 because Super Mario Brothers 2 just really wasn't doing it for you and you faked how happy it made you because all your other friends seemed liked they liked it so much? Yeah, well that's what this season of The Hills is like for me. I'm waiting for the next one.

Here's what went down last night on The Hills:
  • Wow someone turned the lights on at Audrina's job. Whatdaya know! Alanis/Chiara alerts her that Brandy is going to be in the studio today. She can't mean the singer Brandy because Brandy isn't white and The Hills does not allow non-white people on the show. It's like the first 6 seasons of "Friends." Frankie is lucky he even gets to be Brody's sidekick.
  • Lauren and Sandy Sanders are in a fabric store holding a yardstick and talking about Sandy Sanders and her new lame boyfriend and how Cameron will protect her against Brody if he ever says anything to her. Boring. I get up to heat up some pizza from Saturday. Sure there's a risk I will be poisoned, but I'm up for the risk...especially if it will put me out of my misery instead of watching this.
  • Brody Forgets He's White Alert!!: Brody and LC are sitting poolside discussing world events. Just kidding, they're talking about themselves and Sandy Sanders and Cameron. Brody is so angry about all of this, kinda like a big bitch on her period, and says that he wants Cameron to say something to him at the bar tonight so he can say to him, "Listen homie, why don't I pull you outside....." Really? Still thinking you're not white, huh Brod? Homie? Really? You're a rich kid from Malibu. I'm pretty sure we can stop the "street act." And who gives an F about Sandy and her BF, really? Stop being a huge girl over this or I'm going to start calling you "Broady." That's it. That's your name now. No turning back. Broady it is.
  • LC pushed Broady in the pool. Damn it LC, Broady has her period! That's just gross! Now he's probably going to get a yeast infection. Thanks for nothing LC.
  • Oh my God you guys...this episode is horrible. Help me. Someone help me! If anyone is out there, please help me!
  • Oddrina and Corey are on a date. She talks about J Bob. Corey says "awesome." I die a little more inside.
  • The D-Bag Bunch head out to Crown Bar. Sandy Sanders and Cameron show up first. Cameron looks like he's been either punched in the face of attacked by a cat. Cameron is a complete dud. He's actually a complete mix of Spencer and Justin Bobby. No joke. Creeptastic. He also looks like he's ready to mug Sandy Sanders any minute now. Serves her right, though, since she used to shoplift. It only makes sense that her boyfriend would rob her. I hope we get to see that.
  • LOser shows up with some dude? Is that her boyfriend? Seriously what guy is putting up with LOser on a regular basis? She must have agreed to give oral pleasure to him 4 times a day. There's gotta be some contract she signed.
  • Anyboredom, Broady shows up dressed like he's a backup dancer for Christina Aguilera and sits right in the middle of all the actionless action. Cameron, who was all talk earlier in the night about wanting to confront Broady is now sitting there in silence. Maybe they'll just have a dance-off and call it night. Sandy Sanders looks not only pissed that Cameron isn't randomly defending her, but also like she's ready to smoke a ham.
  • Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! Viewers of the show, I must warn you...The Hills has not been hijacked. You are still watching an episode of The Hills, however, there are people in the scene right now who are not white. I repeat, they are not white. If you are going into convulsions, please dial 911 immediately.
  • Singer/Song Writer/Actress/Driver Brandy is in the studio with Rodney Jerkins and crew recording some songs. Uh, unless she's singing "The Boy is Mine" with Monica or reenacting scenes from Moesha, I'm not interested. Ok, I'm a little interested. I'm a little interested because Audrina looks panicked. Imagine if when Oddrina was talking to Brandy all of a sudden she was just like, "Yo yo yo, Girrrrrrl!" I'd love it. Oddrina is a character actor so it wouldn't surprise me.
  • Sidenote, why isn't Brandy's new album doing better? That first song was really good. That's it, I'm downloading Sitting Up in My Room when I'm done watching this and that's final.
  • You have to be SHITTING me! Brandy is literally singing, beautifully might I add, and Audrina turns and starts talking to Alanis about Justin Bobby.....and then she LEAVES the studio to go see J Bob outside. Are you kidding me. Please tell me this is a joke. Brandy totally got the shaft. Who leaves an opportunity/experience like this? Oddrina does, that's who.
  • So is Justin Bobby in a play? He looks like he's dressed for a skit. And what's up with his motorcycle helmet? I think that color is technically called, "Silvery Bedazzled." J Bob tells Oddrina that he didn't want to be "that guy" in Cabo. To translate for all you out there, that means that he relapsed and is now getting "help" again. He then tells Oddy that 90% of the time it's "right on" and he pretty much wants to be with her. Oddrina then hugs him because a girl suffering from such low self esteem can totally settle for some douche who tells her that he "pretty much" wants to be with her. After the hug I assume J Bob drives away with his sparkly silver helmet and heads off to robot dance camp.
  • Ugh. This is all so f'n boring. I wonder if you can force yourself into a coma.
  • Yowza! Chiara/Alanis is all wrapped up in this Oddrina and Justin Bobby situation. She won't let up about Oddrina not going back to J Bob. Seriously, Alanis? Why the hell do you care so much? Move on. Oddrina's dead inside.
  • Wow, 3 minutes left in this horrific crapisode and all of a sudden Heidi and Steve Sanders show up for lunch with Sandy Sanders.
  • Clearly the wind is pissing of Heidi because she fixes her hair the whole time like she's having withdrawals from meth. Sandy? Give her some advice, will ya?
  • Ugh. Another boring date with Oddrina and Corey. She's a f'n idiot. He gives her a koala bear and in turn Oddrina basically gives him blue balls because she dumps him. Although I'm pretty sure they're dubbing in half that conversation because it sounds like any time Oddrina talks about "it not working out" it sounds like she's saying it from a hollow bathroom.
  • Oh dear Jesus Claus! Does Corey shed a tear over this? Please tell me that didn't happen. I deny my citizenship. Someone just take it. Don't get me wrong, I'd be crying too, but I would be screaming, "No I want to still be on The Hills! Please! I don't want to leave The Hills!" Then I'd leave and go to Sandy Sanders because she, my friends, is what you call a "sure thing."
Finally it's over! I made it! I'm not dead! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I would have to say that this was the worst episode ever. Ever. Although, next week Heidi gets "drunk" and fired from Bolthouse. Uh oh! What ever will she do without a job in today's tough economy? Hopefully she'll get by on the $65,000 an episode she makes filming The Hills. Pray for her in her time of need.

Monday, October 27, 2008

...In Other News...

Brandon Walsh and Tootie! There's a Sentence I Never Thought I'd Say.

So what brings Brandon Walsh and Tootie Ramsey together? AIDS. Brandon and Tootie were just some of the stars on the red carpet at the AIDS Foundation's 15th Annual Dream Halloween Benefit in Santa Monica, CA over the weekend.

There were some other celebrities there, but to me, these two were the most important. I am, however, angry that Tootie wasn't on rollerskates. Rude.

Brandon was dressed up as some sort of British park ranger? And Tootie was dressed up as Kim Fields. She nailed it.

Hey So How 'Bout Her!

Hey so that lady that's in that show got to dip her hands in cement so that Plant Hollywood, which apparently also still exists, can hang it on their wall.


Hey so that lady that's in that movie got to dip her hands in cement so that Planet Hollywood, which apparently also still exists, can hang it on their wall.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I make this joke only out of jealousy. I'd dip my ding dong in cement at the "Burger King with Internet" up the street from me if they asked.

So has French Onion Soup Just Disappeared?

Dear Every Place in the World,

How are you? What's up? N/M/H. I have a quick question for every place in the world. Uh, where in the holy hell has all the French Onion Soup gone? I capitalize French Onion Soup because it's that important to me...and I also think it's its full name. I have been trying to find your basic run of the mill French Onion Soup in New York for the past 3 weeks. My work had it once, but only because it was on "special." Special? Really? Wow, French Onion Soup must be fancy. I always thought it was just water, salt, brown food coloring/rust and some rotten onion bits. It's magic. But it's nowhere to be found. Duane Reade doesn't have it. The corner shit-bag deli doesn't have it. The actual "Soup Restaurant" doesn't have it. My grocery store doesn't carry it. I even went to K-Mart to see if they have it. They don't.

You know what every place does have though? Chicken Noodle Soup. It's on the menu every day. It's the staple soup no matter where you go. Really? Every day? What adult is eating this much chicken noodle soup? Grow the hell up, everyone. Take a stand. Demand French Onion Soup. I'm tired of searching for it. Every shelf in every store has all kinds of crazy soups. I've legitimately seen "Pot Roast Soup" and "Steak and Potato Soup." Because at the end of the day you really need to dump your three course meal into boiling water and "soup" the ever loving piss out of it?

Bring back the basic French Onion Soup or offer me nothing at all.

No Name Needed

Friday, October 24, 2008

...In Other News...

Hey Stupids! Gotta Question for IBBB?

A spinoff of "Spencer's Busy...Let IBBB Take a Message," IBBB is proud to present you with "Hey Stupids! Gotta Question for IBBB?" Here's how this works. You have a question or need advice, you send me an email. I read it. I advise. Sometime, depending on my mood, I advice as well. Here are some recent questions/comments I've received. The names have been changed to protect the trashy.

Dear IBBB,
I love reading your blog and read it every day, but sometimes you get a little too mean, especially when you write mean things about kids. Be nice!


Dear Roberta,
Stop being a big whore baby and loosen the F up. Jesus! We're at war right now and there's about $14.00 left in the stock market. Whose is it, by the way. Anycrap, I once saw this wooden sign in someones white trash kitchen that said something like, "Live, Love, Laugh Often." Let me ask you something, Roberta, if you take out the "Laugh," the "Live" and the "Love" what are you left with? That's right. "Often." Just "Often" as much as you can and everything else will turn out right. Oh, by the way, from the sounds of your email to me you sound like you need to have some of "the sex" that people are having. Just don't get knocked up and have a kid because I'll probably make fun of that stupid kid too. Thanks for the email and I hope this helped.

Go F Your Mother,

Dear IBBB,
How come you never make fun of politics on imbringingbloggingback?

Poopy Pants

Dear Poopy Pants,
Please capitalize ImBringingBloggingBack. Thanks. Back to your question. Politics is something that can't always be joked about due to the severity of the effects that each individual politician may have to endure. With an American Crisis (I just coined that) on our hands sometimes making light of it can actually make things worse. Oh, I'm totally kidding. I'm way too stupid to come up with anything funny in regards to politics. I typically just vote "Yes" on #2 and write in "Your Mother" on the ballot on election day. Sometimes I even call it "erection day." I'm charming like that.

Stupid Question,

Dear IBBB,
Do you have any other blogging friends?

Tootie Ramsey

Dear Tootie,
Of course I do! I added an exclamation point to the end of that to show intensity and excitement in my answer. Now, I mean I've never met any of the other bloggers but there are a handful that I enjoy emailing with on a regular basis. I consider myself in the "ghetto blogger" category. I'm the kind of blog that gets no love from the "bigger" bloggers since they are all out to make money and I'm, well, I'm out to just make some people laugh....and myself laugh. I tend to mix better with the other bloggers that share the same feeling. However, I will sell my wretched heart to Satin Claus to reach a bigger audience. Oh, and stop being so nosy.

Never again,

Gotta question for IBBB? Email it. Or don't. Either way, I'm not losing sleep over this.

Stop Teasing Us and Just Use the Gun Already!

First of all if you're not going to play "Murder/Suicide" than I don't want to see these pictures. Second of all, I don't care why these pictures were actually taken...there is no part of me that believes that Heidi Montag can read more than 4 words (boobs, nose, chin, lips). Third of all, I'm waiting for the pictures in which Spencer/Steve Sanders finishes that 6 pack of WhiteTrasheiser bottles and pummels the ever living pee pee out of Chin Montag.

Stuff her body in that blue bag and then the both of you can jump off that cliff behind you.

I'm just playing. Keep doing The Hills. Thanks.

Kristin Cavallari Still Kicking Around

My backup girlfriend, Kristin Cavallari, was all smiles and open mouth on the red carpet at the launch party (not to be confused with Lunch Party) for "Rare" from Nicole Maloney. I'm not sure what 3 of those words in that last sentence mean. Alas, who gives 6 craps?

Remember the good old days when Laguna Beach was on and it seemed real? Or at least I thought it seemed real. And I would feel like a Diddler in Training because I used to sweat Kristin and LC. I mean, sure they were about 15 but in some countries 15 year old girls are prostitutes and tap dance for gum. Well, that's my argument at least. That'll be all.

Heidi Klum Bakes Stuff

Well F me! Heidi Klum bakes stuff. Wow. Heidi has recently said, "Last night I made my first pumpkin pie." To which the other person responded, "Your boobs, Miss, show us your boobs."

Fine, that part I made up, but if you love hearing about Heidi making a pie you should totally check out the entire action packed article over at Us Weekly.

P.S --> We're at war.

This Time Last Year: Paris Hilton and Halloweenie

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Paris Hilton and Halloweenie...this time last year...

Happy Skankerween! A walking STD never looked so spookstacular! Paris Hilton has the most creative Halloween costume. Ahoy, whories! The SS Hilton is sure to go down at every house she stops by this Halloween season. Being on her knees bobbing for apples has never come in handy more than for this time of year. I mean, how she stuffed her little boy boobs into that anchor bra is a treat in itself. It's the great whore-bag, Charlie Brown! Ok, I am 100% out of bad Halloween jokes.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

America's Next Top Model Recap: Who's Going to Amsterdam!?

Poor Jenny is still being forced, by law, to recap America's Next Top Model. It's mandated community service hours. Here's what went down last night on ANTM:
  • The show opens with the girls fighting over the European chicks. They say nobody understands what it's like to be European. One of the other girls calls them out and says "didn't you move to America when you were eight?" This leads to tears. Mine.
  • The Bobbsey Twins show up to teach the girls how to work accessories. Evidently, you don't just wear them. Per James St. James, (what is this guy?) you wear green spandex over your face and body (kinda like green man from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia).
  • What a cast of characters we have showing up today...I can't type fast enough to keep up with this. Nony Tochterman is here. She has the hair of a 76 year old woman who just got her hair "set" for the week at the salon---except it's pink. She seriously looks like a character from an SNL skit. Remember that crazy lady with all the medication that Cheri Oteri played? Yeah.
  • For the challenge the girls are going to model Crazy McNutcase's clothing line...with special effects...The girls are going to disappear, revealing only the clothes. I hope these effects are better than the cartoon lightning bolts from Tyra's Megatron machine in the season opener.
  • The winner gets to be in a holiday photo shoot in the December issue of Seventeen Magazine. I say the winner should be allowed to reappear after the fashion show, while all the losers remain invisible for the remainder of the season.
  • PS- James St. James is literally wearing a white stegosaurus blazer.
  • Time for the s#it show! I mean, fashion show. Marjorie's dress fell off and she didn't even notice. This tells me quite a bit about Marjorie and what she's like on a Saturday night.
  • Elina wins the challenge. Ok. Boring.
  • Another fight breaks out at the house because a girl is using teriyaki sauce and someone else uses a Chinese accent. It's not the Asian girls that gets angry though, it's the European girls. Why are they involved in this? No substitutions!
  • Whitney, the cycle 10 winner pops up for the Cover Girl commercial. Analeigh is psyched...She says "This is huge!" Better not let Tyra hear you talk about plus sized models like that Analeigh, or she will tell you to KISS HER FAT ASS!
  • I still don't understand why they are allowed to show people's puke on TV. When did this happen? Disgusting.
  • What the hell? Tyra just busted out wooden clogs for the girls to runway walk in. They are seriously like clown shoes. The wheels have officially fallen off this show.
  • Oh God. They are wearing clogs because they going over to seas to AMSTERDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!! All hell breaks loose as a cartoon windmill and kissing dutch boys/girls show up on the screen. Tyra is waving flags and the Bobbsey Twins are dressed up as windmills and prancing across the stage.
  • After the gleeful festivities, Tyra announces that not everyone is going to Amsterdam. Couldn't she have had the Amsterdam party AFTER elimination? That's like taking the cake and ice-cream out of the kid's hand and kicking him out of the birthday party.
  • Which of the girls is NOT going to Amsterdam? Alina (a European chick) and Joslyn are in the bottom two. Tyra starts up with the trigonometry, telling us that there are 2 girls and only one photo in her hands. European chick is going to Amsterdam and Joslyn is going........home......
  • See y'all in Amsterdam. Konichiwa bitches!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

...In Other News...

Olivia Palermo from The City.....Peace Out Lauren!

Ugh! Stalking people is absolutely exhausting! After seeing a craptastic pukeview of Whitney's new reality show, "The City" I immediately fell in love with a new "character" who had about 4 seconds of airtime. There haven't been sweeter words ever whispered than "Hi, I'm Olivia." After I picked up my perverted jaw I immediately took to "The Google" to find out just who this chick was. Here's what I discovered:

Her name is Olivia Palermo and she's considered some sort of New York City socialite. Sweet. I immediately assume she's a complete douche bag, but let's just call it like it is....I always fall for people with douchey qualities. Always. She's right up my alley and, hopefully, I'll be right up hers. And by "hers" I am, of course, talking about her "Hoo Hee Hoo Ha Ha Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang."

I've taken the following stalking steps. I found Olivia Palermo's myspace page and requested her as a friend. Cha Ching. Get in early and get in often. I have now set up this blog post as a trap in hopes (and assumptions) that she is d-baggy enough to Google her own name and hopefully she will find me. She will, of course, fall for my charming writing style and wonderful wit, and then will cruise on over to my myspace page and send me a delightful message. I mean, sure she has a boyfriend, but what the F ever. I can hold out.

So, talk to you soon Olivia....or should I call you by your future name....Olivia BloggingBack. It has a nice ring to it.

P.S--> I'm broke as a joke and blog for I hope your expectations aren't too high.

P.P.S --> I've added a photo of Kelly CUNTrone for all the Olivia haters who will email me to tell me that "she's not that hot." Kelly only makes Olivia BloggingBack even hotter. Tilt!