Wednesday, October 08, 2008

A Harriet Carter Christmas Comes Early!

Happy HCW! Halloweenie may be a few short weeks away, but that doesn't mean that we can't be force-fed Christmas stuff from the Harriet Carter crapalog. And "yes" I said Christmas. I'm not saying "holiday" and you can't make me. Christmas is a time when Jesus Claus comes down the chimney, gives birth to his mother Mary, and then rings in the new year with Valentines hearts and shamrocks.....just like it states in the Bible. Let's see what Harriet has up her polyester sleeve this week....skank.....let's go!

Product # 1 - Give me a minute. Ok, ready. Well, well, well. Look what the slutty rabies infested cat dragged in. It's Failure Model Chick, everybody! FMC loves to look like an absolute sexpot when she showers and she never wants her ratty, knotty, Dina Lohan lookin' hair to get wet. Well now she doesn't have to worry any longer about not having sex in the shower because she can cover her stylish hairdo with this stylish and sexy black shower cap bonnet with red rose stapled right on the front of it. Some lucky guy gets to experience FMC this way, let me just state that. He may be banging on the bathroom door because he's experiencing explosive diarrhea, but once he makes it into the bathroom and spots what's behind the shower curtain he's sure to forget all about his droopy drawers and hop right on in to have a little "Mr Clean" time with FMC. Sure, moments after he's in the shower the explosive diarrhea will come back and he'll let loose, but that's also a benefit of the shower cap. FMC can use it to catch all of her mans juices, as you know she's a pig like that. Golden showers are taken to a whole new level thanks to this beautiful shower hat. It's like banging someone in one of those silent movies way back in the day. I'm sure her flapper gear is hanging on the back of the door. Thanks, Harriet, for making the shower fun and sexy again!
Product # 2 - Let me tell ya, with today's tough economic climate the first thing I would cut back on would be anything relating to my dog. In fact, I'd probably sign my dog up to box other dogs (or donkeys) in Tijuana for rent money. Santa Christ may be making his list and checking it twice, but little Sparky is sure to get the shaft this Christmas season. However, if you have a heart, unlike me, you can give your dog some delicious doggie cookies in all of his favorite flavors such as, Balls, Cat Crotch, Other Dog Balls, Doggie a-holes, the Toilet, the Kitty-Litter Box, More Balls, and special this Christmas season is "Owners Vaginastein with that Familiar Peanut Butter Flavor (and you know what I'm talking about, pervs). Act now and you'll also be sent some Valentine's Day Doggie Cookies in such great flavors as, Doggie's Own Vomit, Other Dogs Vomit, The Piss Trickling Down the Fire Hydrant, and Fresh Tinsel Hanging From Doggie's Anus. Yum! Nothing says Merry Christmas quite like this. It's like tea-bagging little Sparky all year round! Thanks, Harriet, for taste-testing each cookie before it's delivered!
Product # 3 - Ho ho ho, stupid! You better hurry up your dumb ass and write your illegible letter to Santa Christ because he can't wait to get your "Urgent" letter so early in the year. I mean, sure there are other more pressing things going on but your letter should be pushed right to the top of his pile. I think it's great that Mommy and Daddy are spending the time with you on how to address envelopes. I'm sure it'll get there ASAP especially since you've appropriately labeled it "To Santa Claus - North Pole." Maybe Jesus Claus will be as thoughtful to you when he delivers your gifts to "To Jimmy - USA." Oh, and Jimmy? Yeah, I'm not sure if you knew that the price of stamps continues to rise, but I'm pretty sure sticking a picture of a candy cane where the stamp "should" go really will qualify as the price for urgent "air mail." At this point you're better off rolling up your letter and putting it in one of those beer bottles that your drunken father threatens your cheating mother with every Saturday and Sunday night. Then just toss the bottle into the ocean or flush it down the toilet when you "bury your fish" because I'm confident the path to "Fish Heaven" starts in your drain pipes. Finally, Jimmy, I hope that you weren't a greedy bastard this year when writing your letter and asked for all toys because since Mommy and Daddy have to help cover the $750 Billion Dollar Bailout you're better off asking Santa Christ to bring you oil, gas, and electricity. Hope you like home-schooling, Jimmy, because that's what I see in your future. Ho ho ho! Love, Harriet Claus.

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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tea bagging Sparky!! LOL! x

Gourry said...

That Santa mailing thing is already postmarked, meaning it has already been used and the Post Office won't accept it. Sorry Jimmy

Maro said...

I seriously cannot believe such products and ads truly exist!
On the otherhand, I am grateful as it as has allowed IBBB to make fun of it on a regular basis and provide us with an endless amount of entertainment! :D